Bizaardvark (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Best Friend Tag

1 (laughing) Let's recap today's PE class.
We see Frankie Wong in deep right field, a made up position created especially for her! Here's the pitch! It's a high fly ball! Wong is under it but she's facing the wrong way! And we've never seen this before! She catches the ball! With her face! (laughs) That was so funny.
I want to remember this forever.
I'll e-mail this memory to myself, then I'll start a shared document that we can both update whenever we And you're just writing on the wall.
The Wall of Memories.
Not to be confused with the Wall of Aggression.
Wow.
Your parents really don't have any rules about the walls here, do they? Three years worth of priceless memories and inside jokes.
(both sniff, sigh) Smells like friendship.
And semi-toxic markers.
(gasps) Oh! The time I lost at baseball but won at faceball.
Oh! Remember the faceball theme song? Faceball play it with your face Faceball Hurts a lot to play Faceball Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow Faceball I'm extremely un-athletic We should have made that song rhyme.
Agh, you're right! Don't your parents ever get mad at you for doing that? No.
I have a system.
Paige did it! (theme music playing) Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I Aah, I missed it.
Hey, Amelia.
Wanna go grab some lunch? Do I look like someone who could eat lunch right now? Oh no, she answered a question with a question.
Let's go before she ropes us in.
My fans requested a Best Friend Tag.
Agh! And I have to upload it this week.
In my seven years of making videos, I've never missed posting one.
Not even during The Great Eyeshadow Shortage of 2012.
How hard is it to do a Best Friend Tag? You just grab your best friend and answer questions about them.
Watch.
- What's my favorite - Arbor Day, penguins, ugly babies, and the smell of pizza when you're not expecting it.
Nailed it! I've been trying to get my best friend Becky to shoot the Best Friend Tag with me, but she's been super busy.
Becky? I've never heard you mention a Becky before.
Oh, yeah.
We've been friends forever.
I mean, I'm sure I've mentioned Megan before.
I thought you said her name was Becky.
Oh.
Yeah, it is.
Well, her name's really Megan, but she just goes by Becky.
Suspicious.
So where does this Becky-Megan live? Um, she moves around a lot.
Right now, she's in What's that island? - Uh, Fiji? - Yeah! I miss her so much.
So do you have a picture of Becky? Of course.
Here's a picture of her and her cat.
All I see is the cat.
Well, that's Becky's thumb.
Aww I miss her thumb so much.
Hey! Hey! All right, Dareheads, we've souped-up a ball return machine and signed all the legal paperwork! It's time to launch a bowling ball directly into my man-belly.
Here we go! I didn't hear the launch word.
My bad.
Launch word! Fire in the hole! Yes! What I do is important! (quietly) Aah! I don't remember ordering an infernal racket with my lunch.
I am trying to enjoy my chimichangas.
"Chimichangas.
" That would have been a good launch word.
Fire in the hole! - Aah! - (glass shattering) This is bad, man.
We just killed the boss of Vuuugle.
I'm not letting you go like this, you big, beautiful, English machine! Wow.
This looks pretty bad for you.
You could get in a lot of trouble for this.
What are you gonna do? You.
Hey, we're in this together.
You fired the ball that took him out.
I think you mean the ball that now has your fingerprints all over it.
I think you mean the ball that has "Property of Bernie Schotz" engraved next to these tiny finger holes.
I didn't even know they made three-pound bowling balls.
It's so light.
Lighter balls are more forgiving off the bumpers.
I mean, doesn't matter.
No one's ever gonna find out about what we did.
We're gonna get rid of the body.
(laughs evilly) If you're not joining in the laugh, I'm gonna stop.
It's awkward with only one person.
I'm telling you, Becky doesn't exist.
But why would Amelia make up a person? Also, more sprinkles.
She made Becky up because her Best Friend Tag is missing a key ingredient: a best friend.
Well, this hot chocolate's missing a key ingredient: more sprinkles! - Yeah, girl! - Yeah! Trust me, I'm right about Amelia.
I know all about fake best friends.
Story.
Now.
Also, whipped cream.
Now.
When I was seven, I made up a best friend.
Was her name Frankie Wong and that's how I magically came to be? Her name was Wendy Butterfly-Pants.
Wendy Butterfly-Pants? I said I was seven! I had to lie about her for an entire year.
Once you dig yourself into a fake best friend hole, it's hard to dig yourself out.
So how'd you get rid of this Wendy Butterfly-Pants? I told people she was allergic to Earth and had to go live on Mars.
- And they believed you? - Everybody was seven! I don't get it.
Why would someone with over three million fans have to make up a best friend? That's exactly why.
Have you ever seen Amelia with friends? She's always making videos.
She has fans, not friends.
I have a crazy idea.
Oh no, it's your smiley thinky face.
I'm gonna go before you roll me into s Let's do the Best Friend Tag with her! Agh! Do we have to? I mean, we're not even totally sure Becky's fake.
Becky canceled again.
She's at bobsled practice.
Here's a pic.
She's the one in the back who you can't see.
Fine.
Hey, Amelia, why don't we do the Best Friend Tag with you? We can't do that.
It's a best friend tag.
I mean, yes, we're close.
If someone asked me who my favorite people at Vuuugle are, I'd say Frankie Wong and Paige Wong.
Sure.
Let's go with that.
But a BFT has to be authentic, and it's not like we can become best friends overnight.
- Unless - (both gasp) - Sleepover! - Paige changes her last name to Wong! Oh.
Okay, sleepover.
Sleepover checklist.
- Cheesy Doodles? - Check.
- Cheesy movies? - Check.
Anything else with cheese in it? Only these ankle boots designed by Antonio Marcheesmo! - Hey, Amelia! - Come on in! That's a lot of stuff for one night.
Oh, it's not just for me.
It's for all of us.
I brought snacks.
(bowl shatters) And I made sleepover schedules broken down into 15-minute increments.
- Schedules? - Increments? And most important perfectly perfect pajamas! Both: Yay.
There.
Your closet's organized.
How fun was that? Half my wardrobe's on the driveway.
You're welcome.
Up next, we can test out my new DIY cleaning products.
As much as we love cleaning, why don't we skip ahead on the schedule? Ooh! Make up a dance routine.
That actually sounds fun.
That's a great idea! Oh! Sad robot! Both: Boop, beep (whines) That's the best you can do? Uh, even sadder robot? Both: Beep, boop (whines louder) No, no, no, I'll show you how it's done.
Becky and I do dance routines at all of our sleepovers.
Ah yes, Becky's moves must be unreal.
They are.
We'll start off with somethin' fun and easy.
(dance music playing) You're killin' me, people.
We'll do this till we get it right.
Shoulders back, chin up, smiles bright, and a five, six, seven, eight! Passé, battement.
Passé, battement.
Whoo! Whoo! Kick the moon! Kick the moon! Kick that moon a little closer to me and I'll kick it something good! (panting) Chattanooga! Chattanooga! Chattanooga! Ankles breaking.
Ankles breaking.
Ankles breaking.
Ring, ring.
Oh, who could this be? Why, it's Paige and Frankie because they're phonin' it in! Chattanooga! Chattanooga! Chattanooga! Okay, the quicker we chop Liam up, the quicker we can dispose of the body parts in various local rivers and drainage ditches.
(gags) I'm not feeling so good, Bern.
I've never seen a dead body before.
It's not a real dead body.
It's a machine.
Okay, we can start by sawing through Liam's neck, then we can move on to chopping off his legs.
(sputters) You can handle this, Dirk.
You're tough.
Okay.
(screams) He's still alive! It's just a glitch.
He's a goner.
Pay no attention to his eyes staring directly at you.
Whoa! You sawed right through his guts.
Uh-oh! We've got a gusher! That makes two of us! (both groan) I think you girls have earned yourselves a snack.
Who's ready for some delicious s'mores? Food! Starving! I make my own special s'mores.
Instead of yucky melted marshmallows and chocolate, I put soy cheese in between two kale leaves unmelted.
Mmm.
We're gonna need some refreshing seaweed juice to wash it down.
Paige, can you show me where the kitchen is even though this is my house? Hurry up and eat before she catches us! Mmm! Corn, cheese, and other artificial ingredients.
That's the stuff.
I say we go back in there and tell her we know Becky's fake and end this whole thing.
No! You can't expose a fake best friend.
It would crush her.
Come on, we can do this.
It's not so bad.
I'm sitting on a toilet eating Cheesy Doodles while wearing Amelia's face.
This is the lowest moment of the night.
And my life.
- Are you done? - Yes.
Good.
Now shove those in my mouth! We don't have a lot of time! Okay, we just need to get to the dumpster without looking suspicious.
- Yeah, okay.
- No one has to know we've got Liam in this rug.
Uh-oh.
It's the two dudes from the Two Dudes With a Metal Detector channel.
Nothing to see here, boys! Look! Dimes! (metal detectors beep) Those were pennies.
I see what's going on here.
(gasps) You're obviously fans of my channel: Talking Rugs with Rug Doug.
Seriously? Can anything be a channel at this place? Oh my, is that a Persian carpet from the Safavid era? Uh-huh.
- It's a that from then.
- (gasps) - Please unroll it.
- No! - We can't! - I must see it in all its splendor! - No! - Dirk did it! This is obviously a fake.
Thanks for wasting my time.
I thought you put Liam in here.
I thought you did! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Oh, my New curtains! A pink shag rug? (gasps) You gave my yeti a makeover? I understand if you never speak to me again, Dennis.
Frankie! The Wall of Memories! It's gone! What'd you do? I tested out my new DIY cleaning products.
They worked, obvi'.
Didn't you even read what was on that wall? Well, I didn't want to overstep my boundaries.
That wall was our lives.
It had three years worth of inside jokes and special moments from our friendship, - and you ruined it.
- Just like you ruined this sleepover.
Oh.
Well, if that's the case, I think we can skip to the conclusion of our schedule: Amelia leaves with her dignity.
Hey, Dirk.
Have you seen Amelia? Liam? No.
Why? What have you heard? Uh, nothing.
We're just looking for Amelia.
We kind of had a rough night.
At least your soul isn't heavy with the sins of your past.
- What? - What? - Do we even want to - No.
Girls, I'm really sorry I erased your Wall of Memories.
Wow.
Thanks, Amelia.
I know if Becky and I had a memory wall and someone erased it, I'd be devastated, especially considering Becky and I have so many more memories than you two.
Okay, I can't do this anymore.
Amelia, we know the truth.
There is no Becky.
Amelia? Becky? Both: Becky? (Amelia and Becky scream) Both: Chattanooga! Chattanooga! Chattanooga! (both scream) Is this really happening? I'm so happy to see you, A-me-me-pie! "A-me-me-pie"? Hi! I'm Becky Megan.
But you can call me Becky.
Or Megan.
"A-me-me-pie"? Are you ready to make the best Best Friend Tag ever? Wait! I need to grab my things! Both: Uh I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, right, Becky's not real.
Please, continue.
We're sorry we doubted you.
We just thought that I had to make up a best friend? No, no, no, no, no.
Well, yeah.
We thought there was no Becky and we didn't want to embarrass you.
Oh, right, because being called a liar isn't embarrassing at all.
Becky, I thought you were staying one night.
I am, but this is all they would let me bring on the plane.
All right, we'll just have to work with what you've got.
(both scream) Hey! Hey! - (garbage truck humming) - And there goes the dumpster.
Wow, we're actually gonna get away with this.
I don't know, Bern.
I've got a bad feeling in my stomach.
Not here where the bowling ball hit me, but here.
I think we did a really bad thing last night.
That's not how I remember it.
Pretty sure I was hanging out with my friend John last night.
- Oh look, he left me a voice mail.
- (phone beeps) Bernie's voice: Hey, Bernie.
This is your buddy, John, uh, Alibi.
Just wanted to confirm you and I were together lifting weights last night.
A normal night where nothing happened except for you benching two-fiddy.
You are yolked, brah! I have to confess.
Maybe the judge will go easy on me.
Guys like me don't do well in prison.
You know, 'cause I like to post videos and the Wi-Fi is not good.
Dirk, no! You can't confess.
I've worked too hard for this.
The DareMeBro code is very clear on its stance toward robot murder.
It's only allowed after all peaceful avenues have been explored.
I've got some serious thinking to do.
(ominous music plays) Looks like it might be a gettin'-rid-of-two-bodies kind of day.
(laughing) Hey, guys.
Amelia? What are you doing here? I had somethin' I needed to fix.
If your face is on my sheets, - I swear I will - Frankie! The Wall of Memories.
It's back.
It's exactly the same as it was.
How'd you do that? I took 400 selfies at our sleepover and the wall was in the background.
But my smile was always in the foreground.
Why would you do this for us after what we said to you? Becky and I tried to do a Best Friend Tag, but it was a disaster.
We haven't seen each other in so long, we barely know anything about each other anymore.
Then I read what was on your memory wall and I realized I want a friendship like you guys have.
But now, I don't even know if I have any friends at all.
- Amelia, we're - You're right! I have two friends right here! Hey, Amelia, do you, uh, want to do another sleepover? Tonight? But I don't have any pajamas.
I haven't choreographed any dance routines.
I think we can take care of both of those things.
Beep, beep, beep (small whimper) Aw, you call that a sad robot? Show me sadder! Sad-anooga! Sad-anooga! Sad-anooga! Beep, beep, beep (whimpers louder) Hey, big guy.
I know you've been having a hard time, so I built you this sleep chamber to help you get rest and put this whole Liam thing behind you.
Wow.
Thanks, Bern-man.
I don't know what I'd do without a friend like you.
I also set up some soothing sounds of waves crashing and ship horns, so expect to hear those.
Hello, boys.
(screaming) Ghost Liam! Please don't eat me! Good luck, buddy! I know what happened yesterday I am so sorry.
up until I came in to see you and Bernie, and then my screen suddenly went black, and I have no idea why.
Huh? I mean, what? I mean, huh? The IT guys said it would take a few hours to fix, so I took the rest of the day off.
I ate scones by a pond and I met a duck! It was the best day of my life.
And for some reason, they upgraded my robot.
Do you have any idea why? Uh 'cause you're more handsome now? Ah, I like you, Dirk! Let me buy you a hot chocolate.
Okay.
Here we go? Indeed! (muffled rock music playing) Bernie: Hey! What's happening? There's someone in here! Dude! Dude! Dude! (phone dials, line rings) Grandma, I'm in a box.
Again.
Can you pick me up at the docks? Okay, Amelia, what's my favorite Tie-dye, ripped jeans, ironic T-shirts, and old sneakers.
Those are her favorite clothes (quietly) that she should never wear again.
I can hear you.
Yeah, I'm not doing this.
First question for our Best Friend Tag.
What's the worst thing I've ever done? This one time, you shot a bowling ball What did I say? We take that to our grave!