Bizaardvark (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bernie's in Charge

1 (rock music playing) Both: Everything's better with pyro! Piñatas are better with pyro! Stuffed pandas are better with pyro! Thanksgiving is better with pyro! Pyro, pyro, pyro, pyro, pyro! Not the smartest song we've ever done, but I like it! And I think our pro-pyro message really comes through.
Nice work, Steve.
Hey, it's Pyro Steve.
I didn't take a three-hour online certification course to be called just Steve.
You're right.
Please don't pyro me.
Less talk, more boom.
What am I blowing up next? Both: Pyro is better with Pyro! Pyro on pyro.
I like it! Double noise, double fire, boom! Infinity awesome.
Let's do this.
Oh, uh, hey, could you not mention this video to anyone? Explosions at Vuuugle are "totally allowed.
" Oh, I "get it.
" Do you think he understands how air quotes work? I'm guessing that guy doesn't understand how a lot of things work.
Bizaardvark, we need to talk.
Oh, uh about that guy? Uh, he's my Uncle Steve visiting from the Army.
(chuckles) Thank you for your service! Very good.
Anyway, as the boss, I am required to ask you every three months how you're enjoying your time here at Vuuugle.
Oh! Actually, we're Great.
Talk again in three months.
So what kind of explosion are we looking for? More of a pa-pow, or a, "Oh, the humanity"? Your online coupon covers either one.
Explosion? Yeah, I was told they were "totally allowed" here.
Explosions are not permitted at Vuuugle.
You've lost your studio privileges for the next two weeks.
That is one angry vacuum cleaner.
So you guys want me to, uh (imitates hissing fuse and explosion) Both: Eh We probably shouldn't.
(theme music plays) Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I Ah, I missed it.
Two weeks of no studio time? How are we gonna finish our video? Pyro Steve, you got any quiet pyro? What are you, a cop? Oh no.
You found another agent.
I knew this day would come.
You better watch out, bub! I've been takin' Pilates! Bernie, he's not an agent.
Name's Pyro Steve.
You got the room, I got the boom.
I also deejay weddings.
(imitates record scratching) Liam banned us from the studio for making a pyro video, so we're having an emergency Bizaardvark meeting.
You're having a Bizaardvark meeting without me? You didn't do the cheer without me, did you? Hey Bizaardvark! No.
Your office is the only place we could think of where no one would bother us on account of the rats and, you know, everything else.
Well, I'm here now and I'm ready to help.
Time for the Bernie Schotz big File of Fixes.
I've been putting this together for months.
It has the answer to every problem Bizaardvark might run into.
Let's see what we got in here on pyro.
Prescription deodorant Oh, that one's for me.
Pyro! Here it is.
Bernie, really, we don't need your help.
- We got this.
- You're right.
I should just go talk to Liam directly and smooth this whole thing over.
No! I mean No! Bernie, please don't talk to Liam.
You've done it a hundred times and it's never worked.
So, what you're saying is I'm due.
What she's saying is not everyone around here takes you seriously.
What do you mean? Well, you don't make videos, your office is in a closet Don't forget that whole prescription deodorant thing.
You guys take me seriously though, right? Of course we do.
Yeah, I figured.
All right, let's get this meeting started.
All: Hey Bizaardvark! Bizaardvark! Aw.
I'll get you guys next time.
(laughing) Oh, that's so funny! Oh, oh! (laughing) And Amelia enters! And Amelia enters and everyone looks up! Sorry.
I was just watching Horse Face Guy's new Gliiink.
- Do you Gliiink? - (gasps) I'm a lady.
Even if I did, I wouldn't admit it.
It's a new app where you share one-second videos.
Everyone's on it me, Horse Face Guy, your friends Paige and Frankie (singing) (both gurgling) Both: Wow! I'm surprised someone as hip as you doesn't know about it.
I mean, it's been the hottest app for like three days now.
I know about Gloink.
- It's Gliiink.
- That's what I said.
With my accent, it's impossible for me to say "Gliiink.
" - But you just said - Fear not, fellow Vuuuglers.
While there may be a social media platform I have temporarily not conquered, it is only a matter of time before I master this app and become queen of the Gliiinkosphere! How did I get up on this table? Well, I have a vacation planned.
What do you mean you can't fill in for me? What, do you have Taylor Swift tickets? You do.
Do you have any extra? I thought you handled that beautifully.
How I needed that vacay.
Two weeks in Maui, beaches spearfishing in a loincloth.
Story of my life.
Can't you find someone else to cover for you? Not this last minute.
It's not easy to run this place.
Everyone expects you to make the big decisions under pressure.
They respect you.
Respect you.
Respect you.
Respect you.
Sorry, I think my monitor just glitched out and repeated "respect you" over and over.
Was that weird or what? Liam, how about I run Vuuugle while you go on vacation? Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
On the one hand, you're a little kid with absolutely no qualifications, on the other hand Maui.
If it helps, I once babysat my neighbor's cat and learned taxidermy in the same day.
Hey! Hey! Wonder what Liam's big announcement is.
Maybe they're adding another 'U' to Vuuugle.
I feel like it needs one more.
Attention, please.
You all know Vuuugle is my number one priorit (laughs) Sorry.
I couldn't get through that.
Oh, no, no.
I'm going on vacation.
Uh, but don't worry, my replacement is more than capable (laughs, snorts) Sorry.
It's Bernie.
Bernie's in charge.
See you in two weeks.
(monitor beeps) Both: Bernie? Hey-hey! It's Bernie Schotz, your new boss, the coolest boss you've ever seen.
- (feedback whines) - Ah, that's a heavy mic.
Hey! Hey! All right, we're about to enter a world where Bernie's in charge.
Prepare for madness.
Something's wrong.
There's nothing wrong.
Give it a second.
- (Marge screams) - There it is.
Oh, oh Bernie listened to my suggestion! We're getting fancy marshmallows! I don't have to put cotton balls in the hot chocolate anymore! That's awesome! I mean, what? Are all these people waiting to talk to Bernie? Our Bernie? Yeah.
He actually listens to people.
Do you have an idea? He wants to hear it.
Like Bernie says, every idea deserves a Schotz! (chuckles) 'Cause Schotz is his last name.
We get it, Marge.
Bernie's actually helping people? He should be helping "us" people.
Let's go get our studio time back.
- What if he says no? - It's Bernie.
We just shower him with compliments.
Okay, but let's not take advantage of the fact that we're his friends.
Friends of the boss coming through! Automatic cutsies! Next time someone gets on your back, you tell me.
That shouldn't be happening.
You're not a real horse.
You're a guy.
Amelia, sweetheart, come in.
Bernie, if I'm gonna become queen of the Gliiinkosphere, then Vuuugle needs to buy me this new lighting package.
It's only $75,000.
I'll tell you what, I can't do that, but I can give you this compliment: Amelia, you glow enough just being you.
That's really all I needed.
Hey, just because I'm your boss doesn't mean we can't date.
What? I said I'll look into the lighting package.
She'll come around.
(number machine chimes) Forty-two! Forty-two! (number machine chimes) Forty-three! Hey, Mr.
Please, call me Boss.
Bup-bup-bup! We were thinking you could, uh, hook us up with some perks.
I mean, as long as it doesn't break any of Liam's rules.
I'm taking the job seriously and people are taking me seriously.
Why wouldn't they? You're a smart, smart man.
Now, I wish we could make a video about how smart you are, but, you know, Liam put us on probation.
Both: Aww! Hey, I have an idea! - You do? - I'm the boss now.
Probation over.
(screaming) You did not just do that! Yes, he did! Yes, he did! I did just do that.
Now, if only we could get those high-speed cameras.
Well, I guess I (screaming) How do you do it? - Oh! - How do you do it? Well, I'm the boss, I guess.
Yeah, it's just too bad the big studio is taken all week, 'cause that's the one we could really use.
(sighs) Yeah, that's too bad.
Except you're the boss Mm-hmm.
and can get us Mm-hmm.
the big stu - Dio! - The big studio?! (screaming) Oh, what a great idea! Bernie, you are a true hero! By the way, did I ever tell you - how manly you look in that jacket? - Mm-hmm.
Well, this is a medium.
Hey! Hey! Thanks for agreeing to be my Gliiink coach, Marge.
Well, actually, I gotta pick my boyfriend up from the hospital For my first Gliiink, I thought I'd tell the Gliiinkosphere a little about myself.
When I start talking, you start recording.
I guess he could take a taxi.
- Hi, I'm - (camera beeps) Time's up.
Let's try this again.
- And now for the story of - (camera beeps) Wow, that's fast.
You only get one second, sweetie.
You know what might help? In your brain, count to one.
That sounds easy, but nothing I say is one second.
I mean, even when I say hi, it's still - hey! - (camera beeps) Well, beep you! Thanks for coming back to help us finish our video, Pyro Steve.
You're lucky you got me.
I've been busy.
I took a cooking class and I started working on my memoirs.
Ha! I'm just messin' with ya.
I've been blowin' stuff up.
Seriously, where did you find this guy? Hey, ladies! Whoa, it just got smarter in here.
Love that green shirt.
Hey, is that pyro? Even better: Pyro on pyro.
Just a heads up, this explosion is much more suited to an open field or an already burned-out city.
But we can make it work.
Liam left me clear instructions.
No pyro allowed.
It's right here between "Don't call me" and "Feed the fish.
" Oh shoot.
But you're not Liam.
You're our friend.
- Let's do this, Pyro Steve! - No! No pyro.
Rules are rules.
You're right.
You're a smart and very effective boss.
Thank you.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go tape some googly eyes on a bunch of dead fish.
With a tear in my eye, I'm shuttin' it down.
What? No, start the countdown.
- But the boss man - Don't worry about it.
That was just Bernie.
Frankie: Just toss him a few compliments and we can do whatever we want.
Now let's blow that thing up.
Mama want big boom! - (Frankie and Paige laugh) - Pyro Steve: Nailed it! - Mama like big boom! - (all laugh) (all laugh and cheer) (lively chattering) What is going on? This place is out of control.
Marge, what happened? So things got a little weird.
Where's Bernie? He's supposed to be in charge.
I don't know.
He seemed awfully upset, and then he did mention your two names and that's all I heard.
Now please, tell the king of Furniture Mountain to grant me my freedom! Seems like a merciful leader.
I'm sure he'll listen to reason.
Excuse me.
Gliiinking in progress.
- Hair toss.
- (camera beeps) - Hair fluff.
- (camera beeps) - Hair flip.
- (camera beeps) - Hair toss, hair fluff, hair flip! - (camera beeps) (chuckling) Oh, these are gonna blow up real nice! Pa-pow! I can't believe Bernie quit.
I can't believe the boss has been away for five minutes and everyone's losing their minds.
Right, Frankie? I'm queen of Furniture Mountain! (chuckles) Frankie, we need to find Bernie.
You're right.
Ha-ha, you fell for my trick! Now I'm the queen! I don't care who the queen is.
Can someone untie me? What are you doing? It's chaos up there.
That Marge is tied up, people are fighting, there's a furniture mountain, and I'm the queen.
For now.
Anyway, we need your help.
Oh, now you need me? What are you talking about? You didn't need me for your secret Bizaardvark meeting.
You didn't you didn't need my File of Fixes.
You think by throwing me a few compliments, you can just walk all over me.
Yeah, I heard.
You know, it's funny, you told me no one here takes me seriously.
The truth is, you don't take me seriously.
Bernie, that's totally not wrong.
Yeah, but in our defense we're terrible people? We're sorry for taking advantage of you.
We wanted to finish our video and completely forgot about your feelings.
You work your butt off for Bizaardvark.
Paige: You've always been there for us.
And if it means anything, you were doing a great job running Vuuugle.
Frankie: People really took you seriously.
So what can we do to get you to be the boss again? There is one thing.
All: Hey Bizaardvark! Chills.
Let's do this! Hey-hey! Your boss is back and ready to listen to your concerns! Number 88! Eighty-eight? Vuuuglers: Boo! Ow! Ow! Ow! Bernie, your old ways aren't working.
You need to do something big.
Get me Pyro Steve.
(whirring) It's Liam! Who's Liam? My name is Bernard Miriam Schotz, and I'm the boss.
Do I have your attention now? You! Get off Horse Face Guy! He's a man! Amelia, lay off the marshmallows! - I'm making a Gliiink.
- (camera beeps) People of Furniture Mountain, tear down these cushions! It's like the song says, everything's better with pyro.
(whistles) It's good to have you back in charge, Bernie.
And I think I can speak for all of us when I say that everyone takes you seriously.
Liam: You cannot be serious! What an appropriate time to check in.
Bernie, you're fired.
Vacay over.
Time to return to my life of garbage.
(beep) Well, until he gets back from Maui, I can ride this robot and no one can stop me.
Bad news everybody, I just could not get my head around Glink.
I'm sorry I let you all down.
That's okay, Amelia.
Nobody cares.