Black Dynamite (2009) s01e00 Episode Script
Trouble on K-Street (Pilot)
1 1x00 - Pilot He's Dynamite So Dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh, ahhhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Oooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! Welcome to Massa's Fried Chicken.
How may I take you your order? Now, why don't you tell Black Dynamite what that secret formula is.
You know I can't tell you that, daddy.
Mr.
Massa would fire me.
- Hmm.
- Whoo! Salt, white pepper, black pepper, parsley, rosemary, thyme, savory sage, garlic powder! Yeah, mama.
Just one more.
Give me that 11th herb and - spice, baby.
Come on.
- I feel like my whole world is shaking! Wait a minute, mama.
It ain't me shaking your world this time.
Damn it, I was one spice away.
Who is this interrupting my seduction? That's what I'm talking about! Black Dynamite, you haven't changed a bit, man.
Dennis Flynn! The only cool cracker I ever met in the C.
I.
A.
- What are you doing here? - Is there somewhere quieter we can talk? We're inside a chopper! And I can't stop looking at your dick! To what do I owe this visit, Dennis Flynn? And why are you here? 15 years ago, the school system in this country was totally in the bomb dropper.
- You mean the [bleep.]
.
- Exactly.
- Go on.
- Personnel was scarce, and funds were tight, so the C.
I.
A.
started a covert op designed to educate kids with hardly any money or people.
- Hmm.
"The puppet show.
" - That's right, Black Dynamite.
This is T.
F.
Kurtis A.
K.
A.
That Frog Kurtis, one of the most outstanding educators this country ever produced.
That Frog Kurtis made me the moral citizen I am today.
He taught me all the important [bleep.]
like, "polluting is not giving a hoot," and, "if anyone can prevent forest fires, it's me.
" I know that, Black Dynamite.
That's why I'm here.
Now, our intel suggests that that Frog Kurtis has gone rogue.
We don't know what he's planning, but we do know it's big, and it's scheduled to go down tomorrow at 7:00 A.
M.
from the C.
I.
A.
no more" is it you honkies from the C.
I.
A.
don't understand? This isn't about the honkies, Black Dynamite! It's about the children.
You know what, Dennis Flynn? I never told nobody this.
But I used to be a children.
Now, I could lie to you and say I'm just going out for a pack of cigarettes, but the truth is I'm leaving you to raise 8-year-old Black Dynamite by yourself.
Now, dig it while you can, because the light just turned mother [bleep.]
green.
- Bye, bitch.
- Three minus one equals two.
Snap out of it, Black Dynamite.
Dennis Flynn, I just got one question.
Can you tell me how to get to Puppet Street? Cream Corn, Honey Bee, Bullhorn, I appreciate y'all making the time to roll with me on such a short notice.
You know I'll do anything for your sexy ass.
It's cool, B.
D.
I needed to get out my mama's house anyway.
She was cold tripping.
She talking about some, "Cream Corn, take out the trash.
Cream Corn, clean out your room.
" I'm like, "mama, bitch, pimps don't do chores.
" Black Dynamite, I know you got the warm and fuzzies for Puppet Street, but tonight, we might be wearing their asses on our mother [bleep.]
feet.
Fuzzy pimps, furry hustlers, and hairy hoes.
Looks like puppet street done gone grimy ghetto.
Oh, no! Bullhorn, I'm starting to get the feeling that that puppet show we see on TV is just a show.
- That's right! You on puppet turf now, bitches! - Crenshaw the slime - the puppet that loves to hate.
- Yeah, that's me, Black-ass Dynamite! And if there's one thing I really hate, it's a big-ass, shiny-ass, greasy-ass action-figure negro like Cream Corn, lay a grenade on me! Oh [bleep.]
! I hate grenades! Ohh, Black Dynamite, you ain't [bleep.]
.
Now, we need to split before these puppets - That Frog Kurtis? - No, it's That King Pimp Kurtis now, mother [bleep.]
ribbet, mother [bleep.]
ribbet! And I guess you're supposed to be that super [bleep.]
Black Dynamite.
So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, it's not true? No, it is true.
It's just that no puppet ever called me [bleep.]
before.
Now, what kind of diabolical dirt are you planning with these kids? Oh, I got your diabolical dirt right here! Diabolical these nuts! In your face! I know you hear me snapping.
I know you hear me snapping.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute, ho.
What's this? You know my money supposed to be folded, not rolled-ed, bitch.
- Aah! - Man, you ain't pimpin'! Those little, itty-bitty children are kids.
Where your bitches at? These kids my [bleep.]
damn bitches, huh! And I'll make you my bitch, too, you keep running your mother [bleep.]
mouth.
You ever been slapped across - your [bleep.]
face with a frog dick, huh? - Oh, hell no.
- You ain't gonna aah! - What was that? I-I-I couldn't hear you that time.
It sounded like you had a frog dick in your mouth.
- Why, that Frog Kurtis? Why? - Why? Why? You know, I think it's time for big Black Dynamite to learn a little lesson.
Listen and learn, Black Dynamite, 'cause That Frog Kurtis is a straight-up pimp! Ribbet! Ribbet! 30 years on public TV Yeah! Raisin' these [bleep.]
damn kids for free! That [bleep.]
is over now that's not happening.
Now I gets my green from Hustlin' kids My arm is skinny, but I'll slap your face! Pimp hand strong so damn strong I have the power of persuasion give me a kid! Girl, boy, black, or whitay Come and rob your mamas and daddies for me Rob your mama, jack your daddies When you leave your mother [bleep.]
kids to froggy Raised by the TV, haven't you heard? They'll do what I say when I give the word! You won't believe, they're so naive that frog's a pimp He's about to rob the nation when the kids tune in to the public TV station.
I'm about to be on top of the world! Green is the new black, baby! Ribbet! Ribbet! Now, in five minutes, I'm gonna show you what kind of power a frog really got, jack.
Whoever said the revolution wasn't gonna be televised didn't know what the [bleep.]
- they was talking about, sucka! - Man, Black Dynamite ain't nobody's sucka, - you fly-soup-eating mother [bleep.]
.
- Who you supposed to be? Dr.
Seuss? Huh? We have the black-ass Dr.
Seuss in here.
Now, quiet on the set, jack! I mean it! Shut the [bleep.]
up! After the broadcast, kill their asses, please.
Please.
Please.
Hey, kids, I want to thank you for tuning in to a very special episode of "the Puppet Show!" I hope you all remembered to bring one of your mama's stockings, guns, gloves, like I told you last week, 'cause it's gonna go down this week! Now, the word of the day is "money.
" As in "King Pimp Super Kurt needs you to bring all the money.
" - Say it, kids, with me.
"Money.
" - Money! - You want some of this?! - Yeah, sucka.
You don't mess with the Honey Bee! I will sting you! I will sting your ass! Come on! Let's go, little jack.
I got you, sucker.
Daisy kick.
Take that! Now, listen to froggy, baby.
'Cause y'all know you know and I know - that That Frog Kurtis is a - Jive-ass mother [bleep.]
.
Wait, Black Dynamite.
Come on, now.
Come on.
I'm part of every lesson you ever learned.
I got you I got you I got you out of peeing in the bed.
Your daddy wasn't there for that, Black Dynamite! Your daddy wasn't there for that, Black Dynamite! I'm leaving you to raise 8-year-old Black Dynamite by yourself.
Bye, bitch! You and me are like one.
Don't let the man pit us against each other, okay? Black Dynamite, thank you for coming on "the Puppet Show," as my special guest and best friend.
And you kids can forget about everything that Frog Kurtis was saying.
I was in make-believe land, but Black Dynamite took me out of it.
Right, kids?
How may I take you your order? Now, why don't you tell Black Dynamite what that secret formula is.
You know I can't tell you that, daddy.
Mr.
Massa would fire me.
- Hmm.
- Whoo! Salt, white pepper, black pepper, parsley, rosemary, thyme, savory sage, garlic powder! Yeah, mama.
Just one more.
Give me that 11th herb and - spice, baby.
Come on.
- I feel like my whole world is shaking! Wait a minute, mama.
It ain't me shaking your world this time.
Damn it, I was one spice away.
Who is this interrupting my seduction? That's what I'm talking about! Black Dynamite, you haven't changed a bit, man.
Dennis Flynn! The only cool cracker I ever met in the C.
I.
A.
- What are you doing here? - Is there somewhere quieter we can talk? We're inside a chopper! And I can't stop looking at your dick! To what do I owe this visit, Dennis Flynn? And why are you here? 15 years ago, the school system in this country was totally in the bomb dropper.
- You mean the [bleep.]
.
- Exactly.
- Go on.
- Personnel was scarce, and funds were tight, so the C.
I.
A.
started a covert op designed to educate kids with hardly any money or people.
- Hmm.
"The puppet show.
" - That's right, Black Dynamite.
This is T.
F.
Kurtis A.
K.
A.
That Frog Kurtis, one of the most outstanding educators this country ever produced.
That Frog Kurtis made me the moral citizen I am today.
He taught me all the important [bleep.]
like, "polluting is not giving a hoot," and, "if anyone can prevent forest fires, it's me.
" I know that, Black Dynamite.
That's why I'm here.
Now, our intel suggests that that Frog Kurtis has gone rogue.
We don't know what he's planning, but we do know it's big, and it's scheduled to go down tomorrow at 7:00 A.
M.
from the C.
I.
A.
no more" is it you honkies from the C.
I.
A.
don't understand? This isn't about the honkies, Black Dynamite! It's about the children.
You know what, Dennis Flynn? I never told nobody this.
But I used to be a children.
Now, I could lie to you and say I'm just going out for a pack of cigarettes, but the truth is I'm leaving you to raise 8-year-old Black Dynamite by yourself.
Now, dig it while you can, because the light just turned mother [bleep.]
green.
- Bye, bitch.
- Three minus one equals two.
Snap out of it, Black Dynamite.
Dennis Flynn, I just got one question.
Can you tell me how to get to Puppet Street? Cream Corn, Honey Bee, Bullhorn, I appreciate y'all making the time to roll with me on such a short notice.
You know I'll do anything for your sexy ass.
It's cool, B.
D.
I needed to get out my mama's house anyway.
She was cold tripping.
She talking about some, "Cream Corn, take out the trash.
Cream Corn, clean out your room.
" I'm like, "mama, bitch, pimps don't do chores.
" Black Dynamite, I know you got the warm and fuzzies for Puppet Street, but tonight, we might be wearing their asses on our mother [bleep.]
feet.
Fuzzy pimps, furry hustlers, and hairy hoes.
Looks like puppet street done gone grimy ghetto.
Oh, no! Bullhorn, I'm starting to get the feeling that that puppet show we see on TV is just a show.
- That's right! You on puppet turf now, bitches! - Crenshaw the slime - the puppet that loves to hate.
- Yeah, that's me, Black-ass Dynamite! And if there's one thing I really hate, it's a big-ass, shiny-ass, greasy-ass action-figure negro like Cream Corn, lay a grenade on me! Oh [bleep.]
! I hate grenades! Ohh, Black Dynamite, you ain't [bleep.]
.
Now, we need to split before these puppets - That Frog Kurtis? - No, it's That King Pimp Kurtis now, mother [bleep.]
ribbet, mother [bleep.]
ribbet! And I guess you're supposed to be that super [bleep.]
Black Dynamite.
So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, it's not true? No, it is true.
It's just that no puppet ever called me [bleep.]
before.
Now, what kind of diabolical dirt are you planning with these kids? Oh, I got your diabolical dirt right here! Diabolical these nuts! In your face! I know you hear me snapping.
I know you hear me snapping.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute, ho.
What's this? You know my money supposed to be folded, not rolled-ed, bitch.
- Aah! - Man, you ain't pimpin'! Those little, itty-bitty children are kids.
Where your bitches at? These kids my [bleep.]
damn bitches, huh! And I'll make you my bitch, too, you keep running your mother [bleep.]
mouth.
You ever been slapped across - your [bleep.]
face with a frog dick, huh? - Oh, hell no.
- You ain't gonna aah! - What was that? I-I-I couldn't hear you that time.
It sounded like you had a frog dick in your mouth.
- Why, that Frog Kurtis? Why? - Why? Why? You know, I think it's time for big Black Dynamite to learn a little lesson.
Listen and learn, Black Dynamite, 'cause That Frog Kurtis is a straight-up pimp! Ribbet! Ribbet! 30 years on public TV Yeah! Raisin' these [bleep.]
damn kids for free! That [bleep.]
is over now that's not happening.
Now I gets my green from Hustlin' kids My arm is skinny, but I'll slap your face! Pimp hand strong so damn strong I have the power of persuasion give me a kid! Girl, boy, black, or whitay Come and rob your mamas and daddies for me Rob your mama, jack your daddies When you leave your mother [bleep.]
kids to froggy Raised by the TV, haven't you heard? They'll do what I say when I give the word! You won't believe, they're so naive that frog's a pimp He's about to rob the nation when the kids tune in to the public TV station.
I'm about to be on top of the world! Green is the new black, baby! Ribbet! Ribbet! Now, in five minutes, I'm gonna show you what kind of power a frog really got, jack.
Whoever said the revolution wasn't gonna be televised didn't know what the [bleep.]
- they was talking about, sucka! - Man, Black Dynamite ain't nobody's sucka, - you fly-soup-eating mother [bleep.]
.
- Who you supposed to be? Dr.
Seuss? Huh? We have the black-ass Dr.
Seuss in here.
Now, quiet on the set, jack! I mean it! Shut the [bleep.]
up! After the broadcast, kill their asses, please.
Please.
Please.
Hey, kids, I want to thank you for tuning in to a very special episode of "the Puppet Show!" I hope you all remembered to bring one of your mama's stockings, guns, gloves, like I told you last week, 'cause it's gonna go down this week! Now, the word of the day is "money.
" As in "King Pimp Super Kurt needs you to bring all the money.
" - Say it, kids, with me.
"Money.
" - Money! - You want some of this?! - Yeah, sucka.
You don't mess with the Honey Bee! I will sting you! I will sting your ass! Come on! Let's go, little jack.
I got you, sucker.
Daisy kick.
Take that! Now, listen to froggy, baby.
'Cause y'all know you know and I know - that That Frog Kurtis is a - Jive-ass mother [bleep.]
.
Wait, Black Dynamite.
Come on, now.
Come on.
I'm part of every lesson you ever learned.
I got you I got you I got you out of peeing in the bed.
Your daddy wasn't there for that, Black Dynamite! Your daddy wasn't there for that, Black Dynamite! I'm leaving you to raise 8-year-old Black Dynamite by yourself.
Bye, bitch! You and me are like one.
Don't let the man pit us against each other, okay? Black Dynamite, thank you for coming on "the Puppet Show," as my special guest and best friend.
And you kids can forget about everything that Frog Kurtis was saying.
I was in make-believe land, but Black Dynamite took me out of it.
Right, kids?