Black Dynamite (2009) s01e04 Episode Script
The Dark Side of the Dark Side of the Moon or A Crisis for Christmas
He's Dynamite So dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh Ahhhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Oooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! This week BULLHORN: Bitch, get your hands off my sack.
I got to deliver to Santa, and I'll be right back.
Special delivery Bullhorn is the name, And laying pipe across the whole North Pole is my game.
Ain't no letters worse than the ones that come from orpheens.
Their stories break your heart and make you want to shoot that morphine.
"All I want for Christmas is some parents with no arms and no legs so they can never shoot smack and run away.
Little Orphan Penny.
" But this year, not only have these orpheens lost Their holiday excite, they also lost their like for their sole legal guardian, Black Dynamite! BLACK DYNAMITE: Check them hos, but keep them jolly Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la It's Christmas, so don't choke nobody Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la No, we don't do gay apparel No, no, no, no, no, no Hell, no, no Uh, can't think of shit that rhymes with apparel Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la All right, who wants to help Black Dynamite spruce up this Douglas fir? [cricket chirping.]
I'm starting to get the feeling that me and that cricket are the only ones with any Christmas spirit.
What gives? It ain't Christmas, Black Dynamite.
It's you.
Me? I've been giving these children the Christmas of their miserable, little lives.
Do you mean like yesterday, when you took them to see Santa? Ho, ho, ho.
What do you want for Christmas? [gun cocks.]
Dynamite! Dynamite Little motherless Penny ain't no ho-ho-ho, Santa Claus! She's a goddamn orphan! Now say it! [screams.]
Least I apologized.
I think you might be missing the point.
The point is I spent the rest of the day doing what they wanted to do.
Snowball fi-i-i-g ht! [laughs.]
- Suey! Suey! Suey! - [screams.]
Dynamite! Dynamite [laughs.]
Black Dynamite, you ain't shit.
I gave him some ice for his little ruptured spleen and broken pelvis.
That shit was in the spirit of seasonal fun, which brings to mind the amazing job of decorating we did! Now, little orphan Arnold, plug it in! [electricity crackles.]
[screaming.]
See right here -- This is what Christmas is all about! This is not what Christmas is all abo-o-ut! Hmm, you're saying all the time, care, and effort I put into Christmas was really just a selfish ego trip in which I tried to project some fantasy of a happy childhood I never had? Mm-hmm.
Damn.
Self-awareness is a cold mother.
[sighs.]
I know this ain't gonna be fair on y'all, but here goes.
Scram, I say! Scram! Split the scene, you turkeys! Get out of my Christmas! GIRL: Girl, don't worry.
He gonna see us in a few minutes.
BLACK DYNAMITE: I'll see y'all in a few minutes.
GIRL: Told you.
[slurps.]
Black Dynamite, I'm gonna give it to you straight with no shit in a crock.
You might cop hos by the flock, but sometimes you ain't the most likeable motherfucker on the block.
CREAM CORN: Hey, man, you can't help it if you just unlikeable, B.
D.
You got to blame that on Mama and your Daddy.
If I can't even get them to like me on Christmas, then what's the point of feeding and sheltering and Putting clothes on these little motherfuckers in the first place? Speaking of little motherfuckers, little orphan Arnold, if you could have anything in the world for Christmas, what would it be? Little orphan Arnold, I don't know what the fuck this is.
It's O.
J.
Simpson.
Haven't you heard? He's going to the moon on Christmas.
What you talking about, little orphan Arnold? We love him more than anything in the world.
And if you was anything like O.
J.
, we would love you, too.
BULLHORN: Man, O.
J.
will be the biggest, blackest monolith in outer space since Stanley Kubrick made "2001" in 1968.
He's that great.
Bullhorn, now, don't tell me you all on O.
J.
's rocket, too.
Black Dynamite, I ain't bone-jacking The Juice or fag hagging at all, but this feeling in my balls tells me you got a heavy history with old Orenthal.
Well, Bullhorn, now that you dragged the shit out of me that I didn't want dragged out, I might as well take it out all the way.
You see, me and O.
J.
Simpson grew up together in our childrenhood back when I was a children.
The truth is I had likability issues even back then.
WOMAN: please spell "White" and use it in a sentence.
"White" -- H-o-n-k-y -- "White.
" "The man is a honky devil" -- "White.
" WOMAN: No, I'm sorry.
That is incorrect, Black Dynamite.
True, but incorrect.
Orenthal James.
"White" -- W-H-I-T-E -- "White.
" "I would love to be an honorary white" -- A "White .
" [applause.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
When it came to O.
J.
, on the other hand, everybody liked him -- White people, caucasians, honkeys, Crackers, snowflakes -- you name it.
[man coughs.]
Truth is if it wasn't for me, he could have never pranced his way to victory time and time again.
Ohh! [screams.]
Oh, there it is! Touchdown! Where the white women at?! [camera shutter clicks.]
But even though he wouldn't even exist if it wasn't for the man behind the man -- A.
K.
A.
me -- Black Dynamite -- all anybody ever cared about was O.
J.
Simpson -- A.
K.
A.
him -- Number 32, "The Juice.
" WOW! You know O.
J.
?! Correction -- O.
J.
Simpson knows Black Dynamite.
Can you get O.
J.
Simpson to bring us back some moon rocks for Christmas? Moon rocks? Now, what kind of dumb-ass -- Please, please, please, please, please, please! All right, all right.
Since you little orphans are getting all wet in the underoos over O.
J.
Simpson going to the moon, I will get O.
J.
to bring you orphans back a moon rock for Christmas.
[children cheering.]
Now, who is the most likeable motherfucker that ever lived?! ALL: O.
J.
! O.
J.
! O.
J.
! Dynamite! Dynamite MAN: Now, O.
J.
, there's no need to worry, but if you secure your helmet incorrectly, you may experience a major malfunction.
Damn! O.
J.
Orenthal motherfuckin' Simpson.
Black Dynamite! What's happening, man?! I always said you'd go to the moon for the white man, but I never thought you'd go to the moon for the white man.
Well, B.
D.
, I've already broken several NFL records, had a pretty decent part in "Roots, " and my name is damn near synonymous with a very lucrative and popular rent-a-car industry.
I've pretty much conquered the Earth.
So I guess the moon was just the next logical step for me.
But I'm surprised to see you here, bro.
Me too.
But don't get the wrong idea.
I ain't here to congratulate you or no shit like that.
I'm here because these motherless and fatherless orphans want a damn moon rock for Christmas.
Dumb shit I know, but since you was going that way, I think you might be able to help me out.
[watermelon explodes.]
[groans.]
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you come with me, Black Dynamite? What you talking about, O.
J.
Simpson? You and me could be the first black men on the moon -- together! Hmm.
Now, Black Dynamite don't normally go to the moon Because of O.
J.
Simpson asking him to, but since this seems like a coincidence or opportunity to accomplish the unrealistic goal of getting moon rocks for Christmas, and I'm trying to be more likeable, Black Dynamite says okay, O.
J.
In a surprising last-minute move, M.
A.
S.
A.
has announced that the very likeable and universally appealing O.
J.
Simpson will be joined by the much more controversial and far less likeable black revolutionary vigilante pimp antihero Black Dynamite.
And, yes, folks, that is his government.
If you time the staging of our rocket improperly, you may experience a major malfunction.
Aah! Uh! [breathing heavily.]
[whimpering.]
[grunting.]
Suey! Suey! ["Monday Night Football" theme plays.]
If you miss your re-entry trajectory, your capsule may experience a major malfunction! [gasps.]
This is gonna be one little, Biddy, small step for Black Dynamite, and one giant leap for the rest of you turkeys.
And it looks like mission control is ready to begin counting down.
And we are a go for launch.
T-minus 10 [sighs.]
I don't know if you realize this, Black Dynamite, but being O.
J.
Simpson is a lot of pressure, man.
White folks expect so much from you.
You keep trying to outdo yourself, and you keep smiling 'cause, well, that's what a hero is supposed to do.
But to be honest, man, I'm tired of being a puppet for these white folks.
The last few weeks working with you made me realize something.
I got to be true to myself, man.
Thank you, Black Dynamite.
You know, O.
J.
, I resented you for a long time, but now I'm seeing you different.
For the first time I'm actually starting to like you, O.
J.
O.
J.
? What the [marching band playing.]
Now who's going to the moon for the white man? Good luck finding those rocks, sucker! Ignition! O.
J.
Simpson, you jive-ass motherfucker! [screams.]
Dynamite! Dynamite BULLHORN: Now Black Dynamite is literally out of sight! O.
J.
Simpson, if you think Black Dynamite can't put his foot in your ass from the moon, you better not think it again! Now, what kind of spacely sprocket bull snot is this here? Calm down, Black Astronaut Dynamite.
This is a simple science mission from M.
A.
S.
A.
Everything will be just fine, as long as there isn't a major malfunction.
[alarm blaring.]
What the hell is this? Hey, man, your red light is on! I said your red light is on, man! Don't worry, Black Astronaut Dynamite.
M.
A.
S.
A.
's designed a special program to translate technical jargon to you people of your kind.
Your rocket wiring is getting hotter than a motherfucker and your Heat shield ain't worth two damns, neither.
[laughs.]
What the hell do you mean, stereotypical black-jargon light? And what are you saying? Say, man, if I was you, I'd get the hell up out this rocket, man.
Goonie-goo-goo! Now, that's a fire! [laughs.]
CREAM CORN: Is it normal for a rocket ship to be on fire like that? I mean, I watch a lot of movies.
That usually means that somebody about to die.
MISSION CONTROL: Look, Black Astronaut Dynamite, M.
A.
S.
A.
appreciates your sacrifice.
Sincerely, he does.
Man, you better sincerely get Black Dynamite's ass out of this damn rocket! Aw, your shit's about to blow up in 765 aw, damn, I counted wrong.
[laughs.]
ALL: [gasp.]
Oh, Lord, I'm fainting.
Oh! Aah! Black Astronaut Dynamite.
Come in, Black Astronaut Dynamite! Ohh! Don't you die on me! [alarm blares.]
Well, that's all M.
A.
S.
A.
can do.
Who's up for some Roscoe's'? Dynamite! Dynamite 'Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the place, there were no bitches in bed nor honkeys being chased because Black Dynamite's ass was lost in space.
[echoing.]
Space, space [women weeping.]
Today on this wonderful snow-white Christmas eve, our nation mourns another almost-was that could have been, but was never meant to be.
Good night, sweet Dynamite.
Your blackness will never be forgotten,.
Lord, no! Jesus, Lord, why him?! You could have took anybody but him or me.
Does this mean we're not getting moon rocks? You! Y'all did this! You killed Black Dynamite with your moon rocks and your dreams and your hopes for a better future! And now he's dead! Right before Christmas! [screams.]
I-I'm sorry.
I guess I went too far.
It's a stressful time of the year.
I mean, y'all burnt the turkey.
Uh, Black Dynamite's burnt up.
Let's deck the halls, fuck it.
Man, I ain't never done no crying.
I ain't lying.
Are you okay, Bullhorn? I guess the shock and disbelief will stick with me for a while because getting killed in the line of duty just wasn't Black Dynamite's style.
I know.
But for the sake of those whores and those orphans in that there whorephanage and for Black Dynamite up in heaven, We're gonna have to pull together to honor his big, black memory and make this the best Christmas ever.
Now, how the hell are we supposed to do that? [horn blares.]
[car door opens.]
It's O.
J.
Simpson! Oh, ho-ho-ho! Who's O.
J.
? My name is Santa Simpson! It's like big Black Dynamite is looking down and giving us a big, black blessing from above.
[static.]
Say, man, there goes an abandoned Soviet space station.
[laughs.]
If I was you, I'd get on the motherfucker.
[laughs.]
[screeches.]
Look, monkey! Black Dynamite ain't never fucked up no space chimp at zero G's before, but I'm trying to be more likeable, so I'm offering a truce.
Now, are there a barrel of you motherfuckers or are you the only one? [chattering.]
Just like I thought.
You a monkey all alone up in space with no monkey pussy or nothing.
And now you done lost your monkey mind, huh? [chatters.]
Somehow I feel like I know the feeling, but I don't.
How'd you get up here, anyway? [chattering.]
[Russian anthem playing.]
[alarm blaring .]
[chattering continues.]
So your brother monkey and your monkey government abandoned you to die and spend the holidays all alone, too, huh? [chatters.]
Well, I need to contact those space honkeys at M.
A.
S.
A.
so they can get your monkey ass and my man ass up out of here.
[static.]
O.
J.
Simpson, hero of the doomed moon mission, who somehow miraculously survived the explosion, visits the whorephanage of deceased space martyr Black Dynamite to give comfort to his friends, orphans, and whores.
I just want these orphans to have a real Christmas, even if I have to step into Black Dynamite's shoes and do what he is tragically unable to do now, nor at anytime in the future.
Is it any wonder why O.
J.
Simpson is the most likeable and therefore the most respected black man in American history now? And I'm willing to predict forever.
Walter Cronkite, mark my words, there will come a day when America no longer likes O.
J.
Simpson.
You can mark my words.
[chatters.]
What's that, boy? You know how to get to the moon? [chatters.]
And it has the rocks I need on it? Well, that's amazing, monkey, 'cause you didn't even know I needed any rocks.
Well, where is this moon, and show me where I can find it.
[chatters.]
Come on, monkey! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! All I know, monkey, is if they all out of moon rocks, I'm gonna be pissed.
Can you dig it? Amazon bitches on the moon.
Ain't that some shit.
Silence, black muscle man! Look, I'm only here to collect moon rocks for Christmas, then I'll be on my way.
Likely story! Just like a man to come to the moon in order to infiltrate our base, find our secret weapon and interrupt my evil master plan to destroy the Earth at the last minute! I would ask how you amazon bitches got here, but I ain't got the time.
I got to get back to Earth with these moon rocks for Christmas before there ain't no Christmas.
Oh, go ahead and go back to Earth, Black Dynamite.
You'll get there just in time to see it destroyed! [laughs evilly.]
Now, that's some real bitch shit literally.
Try and stop us, Black Dynamite.
Now, beating up on amazon moon bitches ain't Black Dynamite's style and would make me very unlikeable as a character, but my Soviet monkey friend here ain't as evolved as me.
[screeches.]
[screeches.]
Oh, you done fucked with the wrong bitch, monkey! Now how am I supposed to get back to Earth in time for Christmas? All these moon rocks and not a goddamn orphan to give them to! Monkey, I was wrong.
This ain't looking nothing like Christmas.
Fuck you, O.
.
J.
Simpso-o-o-n! [bells jingling.]
Hos, hos, and more hos! Merry Christmas, sucker! Black Santa Claus? What the fuck are you doing on the moon? Amazon moon bitches got children, too, Black Dynamite.
Shit.
Santa, you got room on that sleigh for Black Dynamite, A Soviet Russian monkey friend, and a flock of amazon moon-bitch orphans? Dynamite! Dynamite We'll be [slurps.]
We really do appreciate all you've done for us, O.
J.
Simpson, especially in the light of our recent and ongoing tragedy.
You are one righteous dude.
[slurps.]
That's what they say -- nobody's more righteous than The Juice.
Good old O.
J.
-- Orenthal motherfuckin' Simpson.
O.
J.
, you all right? You know, Black Dynamite did always say that I would go to the moon for the white man, and he was right.
I would have.
But that was the old O.
J.
The new O.
J.
says fuck the white man, the moon, and his mama! O.
J.
, you better be careful with that knife, or one day you might write a book about how you allegedly took some white bitch's life.
Shut the fuck up! O.
J.
, you scaring us.
Oh, what's wrong, little orphan Arnold? You not a white woman.
You ain't got nothing to worry about.
[laughs.]
[bells jingling.]
[rumbling.]
Whoo-hoo! Black Dynamite! Man, please tell me this ain't no jive! Black Dynamite made it back from the moon alive! O.
J.
: Uh, merry Christmas, Black Dynamite.
[groans.]
Huh? [rumbling.]
Ohh! [groans.]
Ha ha! I threw that rock before I left the moon! Dynamite! Dynamite You know, Black Dynamite, while you were gone, we had a lot of time to think about things.
We learned to just be happy with who we are and what we got.
Like you always told us -- A ho mama is better than no mama.
And a less likeable Black Dynamite is better than no Black Dynamite at all.
Less likeable my ass! I just went to the moon for y'all kids! The moon! I'm flushing these moon rocks down the toilet, you bunch of ungrateful, non-appreciative, no-good mother -- Dynamite! Dynamite [toilet flushes.]
Black Dynamite may not be jolly like old Saint Nick, but he's the one you call when you need somebody's ass kicked in the dick.
Well, Santa helper hos, let's get our asses in flight.
[whip cracks.]
A merry Christmas to all, and to all a Black Dynamite! Dynamite Dynamite! Dynamite
I got to deliver to Santa, and I'll be right back.
Special delivery Bullhorn is the name, And laying pipe across the whole North Pole is my game.
Ain't no letters worse than the ones that come from orpheens.
Their stories break your heart and make you want to shoot that morphine.
"All I want for Christmas is some parents with no arms and no legs so they can never shoot smack and run away.
Little Orphan Penny.
" But this year, not only have these orpheens lost Their holiday excite, they also lost their like for their sole legal guardian, Black Dynamite! BLACK DYNAMITE: Check them hos, but keep them jolly Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la It's Christmas, so don't choke nobody Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la No, we don't do gay apparel No, no, no, no, no, no Hell, no, no Uh, can't think of shit that rhymes with apparel Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la All right, who wants to help Black Dynamite spruce up this Douglas fir? [cricket chirping.]
I'm starting to get the feeling that me and that cricket are the only ones with any Christmas spirit.
What gives? It ain't Christmas, Black Dynamite.
It's you.
Me? I've been giving these children the Christmas of their miserable, little lives.
Do you mean like yesterday, when you took them to see Santa? Ho, ho, ho.
What do you want for Christmas? [gun cocks.]
Dynamite! Dynamite Little motherless Penny ain't no ho-ho-ho, Santa Claus! She's a goddamn orphan! Now say it! [screams.]
Least I apologized.
I think you might be missing the point.
The point is I spent the rest of the day doing what they wanted to do.
Snowball fi-i-i-g ht! [laughs.]
- Suey! Suey! Suey! - [screams.]
Dynamite! Dynamite [laughs.]
Black Dynamite, you ain't shit.
I gave him some ice for his little ruptured spleen and broken pelvis.
That shit was in the spirit of seasonal fun, which brings to mind the amazing job of decorating we did! Now, little orphan Arnold, plug it in! [electricity crackles.]
[screaming.]
See right here -- This is what Christmas is all about! This is not what Christmas is all abo-o-ut! Hmm, you're saying all the time, care, and effort I put into Christmas was really just a selfish ego trip in which I tried to project some fantasy of a happy childhood I never had? Mm-hmm.
Damn.
Self-awareness is a cold mother.
[sighs.]
I know this ain't gonna be fair on y'all, but here goes.
Scram, I say! Scram! Split the scene, you turkeys! Get out of my Christmas! GIRL: Girl, don't worry.
He gonna see us in a few minutes.
BLACK DYNAMITE: I'll see y'all in a few minutes.
GIRL: Told you.
[slurps.]
Black Dynamite, I'm gonna give it to you straight with no shit in a crock.
You might cop hos by the flock, but sometimes you ain't the most likeable motherfucker on the block.
CREAM CORN: Hey, man, you can't help it if you just unlikeable, B.
D.
You got to blame that on Mama and your Daddy.
If I can't even get them to like me on Christmas, then what's the point of feeding and sheltering and Putting clothes on these little motherfuckers in the first place? Speaking of little motherfuckers, little orphan Arnold, if you could have anything in the world for Christmas, what would it be? Little orphan Arnold, I don't know what the fuck this is.
It's O.
J.
Simpson.
Haven't you heard? He's going to the moon on Christmas.
What you talking about, little orphan Arnold? We love him more than anything in the world.
And if you was anything like O.
J.
, we would love you, too.
BULLHORN: Man, O.
J.
will be the biggest, blackest monolith in outer space since Stanley Kubrick made "2001" in 1968.
He's that great.
Bullhorn, now, don't tell me you all on O.
J.
's rocket, too.
Black Dynamite, I ain't bone-jacking The Juice or fag hagging at all, but this feeling in my balls tells me you got a heavy history with old Orenthal.
Well, Bullhorn, now that you dragged the shit out of me that I didn't want dragged out, I might as well take it out all the way.
You see, me and O.
J.
Simpson grew up together in our childrenhood back when I was a children.
The truth is I had likability issues even back then.
WOMAN: please spell "White" and use it in a sentence.
"White" -- H-o-n-k-y -- "White.
" "The man is a honky devil" -- "White.
" WOMAN: No, I'm sorry.
That is incorrect, Black Dynamite.
True, but incorrect.
Orenthal James.
"White" -- W-H-I-T-E -- "White.
" "I would love to be an honorary white" -- A "White .
" [applause.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
When it came to O.
J.
, on the other hand, everybody liked him -- White people, caucasians, honkeys, Crackers, snowflakes -- you name it.
[man coughs.]
Truth is if it wasn't for me, he could have never pranced his way to victory time and time again.
Ohh! [screams.]
Oh, there it is! Touchdown! Where the white women at?! [camera shutter clicks.]
But even though he wouldn't even exist if it wasn't for the man behind the man -- A.
K.
A.
me -- Black Dynamite -- all anybody ever cared about was O.
J.
Simpson -- A.
K.
A.
him -- Number 32, "The Juice.
" WOW! You know O.
J.
?! Correction -- O.
J.
Simpson knows Black Dynamite.
Can you get O.
J.
Simpson to bring us back some moon rocks for Christmas? Moon rocks? Now, what kind of dumb-ass -- Please, please, please, please, please, please! All right, all right.
Since you little orphans are getting all wet in the underoos over O.
J.
Simpson going to the moon, I will get O.
J.
to bring you orphans back a moon rock for Christmas.
[children cheering.]
Now, who is the most likeable motherfucker that ever lived?! ALL: O.
J.
! O.
J.
! O.
J.
! Dynamite! Dynamite MAN: Now, O.
J.
, there's no need to worry, but if you secure your helmet incorrectly, you may experience a major malfunction.
Damn! O.
J.
Orenthal motherfuckin' Simpson.
Black Dynamite! What's happening, man?! I always said you'd go to the moon for the white man, but I never thought you'd go to the moon for the white man.
Well, B.
D.
, I've already broken several NFL records, had a pretty decent part in "Roots, " and my name is damn near synonymous with a very lucrative and popular rent-a-car industry.
I've pretty much conquered the Earth.
So I guess the moon was just the next logical step for me.
But I'm surprised to see you here, bro.
Me too.
But don't get the wrong idea.
I ain't here to congratulate you or no shit like that.
I'm here because these motherless and fatherless orphans want a damn moon rock for Christmas.
Dumb shit I know, but since you was going that way, I think you might be able to help me out.
[watermelon explodes.]
[groans.]
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you come with me, Black Dynamite? What you talking about, O.
J.
Simpson? You and me could be the first black men on the moon -- together! Hmm.
Now, Black Dynamite don't normally go to the moon Because of O.
J.
Simpson asking him to, but since this seems like a coincidence or opportunity to accomplish the unrealistic goal of getting moon rocks for Christmas, and I'm trying to be more likeable, Black Dynamite says okay, O.
J.
In a surprising last-minute move, M.
A.
S.
A.
has announced that the very likeable and universally appealing O.
J.
Simpson will be joined by the much more controversial and far less likeable black revolutionary vigilante pimp antihero Black Dynamite.
And, yes, folks, that is his government.
If you time the staging of our rocket improperly, you may experience a major malfunction.
Aah! Uh! [breathing heavily.]
[whimpering.]
[grunting.]
Suey! Suey! ["Monday Night Football" theme plays.]
If you miss your re-entry trajectory, your capsule may experience a major malfunction! [gasps.]
This is gonna be one little, Biddy, small step for Black Dynamite, and one giant leap for the rest of you turkeys.
And it looks like mission control is ready to begin counting down.
And we are a go for launch.
T-minus 10 [sighs.]
I don't know if you realize this, Black Dynamite, but being O.
J.
Simpson is a lot of pressure, man.
White folks expect so much from you.
You keep trying to outdo yourself, and you keep smiling 'cause, well, that's what a hero is supposed to do.
But to be honest, man, I'm tired of being a puppet for these white folks.
The last few weeks working with you made me realize something.
I got to be true to myself, man.
Thank you, Black Dynamite.
You know, O.
J.
, I resented you for a long time, but now I'm seeing you different.
For the first time I'm actually starting to like you, O.
J.
O.
J.
? What the [marching band playing.]
Now who's going to the moon for the white man? Good luck finding those rocks, sucker! Ignition! O.
J.
Simpson, you jive-ass motherfucker! [screams.]
Dynamite! Dynamite BULLHORN: Now Black Dynamite is literally out of sight! O.
J.
Simpson, if you think Black Dynamite can't put his foot in your ass from the moon, you better not think it again! Now, what kind of spacely sprocket bull snot is this here? Calm down, Black Astronaut Dynamite.
This is a simple science mission from M.
A.
S.
A.
Everything will be just fine, as long as there isn't a major malfunction.
[alarm blaring.]
What the hell is this? Hey, man, your red light is on! I said your red light is on, man! Don't worry, Black Astronaut Dynamite.
M.
A.
S.
A.
's designed a special program to translate technical jargon to you people of your kind.
Your rocket wiring is getting hotter than a motherfucker and your Heat shield ain't worth two damns, neither.
[laughs.]
What the hell do you mean, stereotypical black-jargon light? And what are you saying? Say, man, if I was you, I'd get the hell up out this rocket, man.
Goonie-goo-goo! Now, that's a fire! [laughs.]
CREAM CORN: Is it normal for a rocket ship to be on fire like that? I mean, I watch a lot of movies.
That usually means that somebody about to die.
MISSION CONTROL: Look, Black Astronaut Dynamite, M.
A.
S.
A.
appreciates your sacrifice.
Sincerely, he does.
Man, you better sincerely get Black Dynamite's ass out of this damn rocket! Aw, your shit's about to blow up in 765 aw, damn, I counted wrong.
[laughs.]
ALL: [gasp.]
Oh, Lord, I'm fainting.
Oh! Aah! Black Astronaut Dynamite.
Come in, Black Astronaut Dynamite! Ohh! Don't you die on me! [alarm blares.]
Well, that's all M.
A.
S.
A.
can do.
Who's up for some Roscoe's'? Dynamite! Dynamite 'Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the place, there were no bitches in bed nor honkeys being chased because Black Dynamite's ass was lost in space.
[echoing.]
Space, space [women weeping.]
Today on this wonderful snow-white Christmas eve, our nation mourns another almost-was that could have been, but was never meant to be.
Good night, sweet Dynamite.
Your blackness will never be forgotten,.
Lord, no! Jesus, Lord, why him?! You could have took anybody but him or me.
Does this mean we're not getting moon rocks? You! Y'all did this! You killed Black Dynamite with your moon rocks and your dreams and your hopes for a better future! And now he's dead! Right before Christmas! [screams.]
I-I'm sorry.
I guess I went too far.
It's a stressful time of the year.
I mean, y'all burnt the turkey.
Uh, Black Dynamite's burnt up.
Let's deck the halls, fuck it.
Man, I ain't never done no crying.
I ain't lying.
Are you okay, Bullhorn? I guess the shock and disbelief will stick with me for a while because getting killed in the line of duty just wasn't Black Dynamite's style.
I know.
But for the sake of those whores and those orphans in that there whorephanage and for Black Dynamite up in heaven, We're gonna have to pull together to honor his big, black memory and make this the best Christmas ever.
Now, how the hell are we supposed to do that? [horn blares.]
[car door opens.]
It's O.
J.
Simpson! Oh, ho-ho-ho! Who's O.
J.
? My name is Santa Simpson! It's like big Black Dynamite is looking down and giving us a big, black blessing from above.
[static.]
Say, man, there goes an abandoned Soviet space station.
[laughs.]
If I was you, I'd get on the motherfucker.
[laughs.]
[screeches.]
Look, monkey! Black Dynamite ain't never fucked up no space chimp at zero G's before, but I'm trying to be more likeable, so I'm offering a truce.
Now, are there a barrel of you motherfuckers or are you the only one? [chattering.]
Just like I thought.
You a monkey all alone up in space with no monkey pussy or nothing.
And now you done lost your monkey mind, huh? [chatters.]
Somehow I feel like I know the feeling, but I don't.
How'd you get up here, anyway? [chattering.]
[Russian anthem playing.]
[alarm blaring .]
[chattering continues.]
So your brother monkey and your monkey government abandoned you to die and spend the holidays all alone, too, huh? [chatters.]
Well, I need to contact those space honkeys at M.
A.
S.
A.
so they can get your monkey ass and my man ass up out of here.
[static.]
O.
J.
Simpson, hero of the doomed moon mission, who somehow miraculously survived the explosion, visits the whorephanage of deceased space martyr Black Dynamite to give comfort to his friends, orphans, and whores.
I just want these orphans to have a real Christmas, even if I have to step into Black Dynamite's shoes and do what he is tragically unable to do now, nor at anytime in the future.
Is it any wonder why O.
J.
Simpson is the most likeable and therefore the most respected black man in American history now? And I'm willing to predict forever.
Walter Cronkite, mark my words, there will come a day when America no longer likes O.
J.
Simpson.
You can mark my words.
[chatters.]
What's that, boy? You know how to get to the moon? [chatters.]
And it has the rocks I need on it? Well, that's amazing, monkey, 'cause you didn't even know I needed any rocks.
Well, where is this moon, and show me where I can find it.
[chatters.]
Come on, monkey! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! All I know, monkey, is if they all out of moon rocks, I'm gonna be pissed.
Can you dig it? Amazon bitches on the moon.
Ain't that some shit.
Silence, black muscle man! Look, I'm only here to collect moon rocks for Christmas, then I'll be on my way.
Likely story! Just like a man to come to the moon in order to infiltrate our base, find our secret weapon and interrupt my evil master plan to destroy the Earth at the last minute! I would ask how you amazon bitches got here, but I ain't got the time.
I got to get back to Earth with these moon rocks for Christmas before there ain't no Christmas.
Oh, go ahead and go back to Earth, Black Dynamite.
You'll get there just in time to see it destroyed! [laughs evilly.]
Now, that's some real bitch shit literally.
Try and stop us, Black Dynamite.
Now, beating up on amazon moon bitches ain't Black Dynamite's style and would make me very unlikeable as a character, but my Soviet monkey friend here ain't as evolved as me.
[screeches.]
[screeches.]
Oh, you done fucked with the wrong bitch, monkey! Now how am I supposed to get back to Earth in time for Christmas? All these moon rocks and not a goddamn orphan to give them to! Monkey, I was wrong.
This ain't looking nothing like Christmas.
Fuck you, O.
.
J.
Simpso-o-o-n! [bells jingling.]
Hos, hos, and more hos! Merry Christmas, sucker! Black Santa Claus? What the fuck are you doing on the moon? Amazon moon bitches got children, too, Black Dynamite.
Shit.
Santa, you got room on that sleigh for Black Dynamite, A Soviet Russian monkey friend, and a flock of amazon moon-bitch orphans? Dynamite! Dynamite We'll be [slurps.]
We really do appreciate all you've done for us, O.
J.
Simpson, especially in the light of our recent and ongoing tragedy.
You are one righteous dude.
[slurps.]
That's what they say -- nobody's more righteous than The Juice.
Good old O.
J.
-- Orenthal motherfuckin' Simpson.
O.
J.
, you all right? You know, Black Dynamite did always say that I would go to the moon for the white man, and he was right.
I would have.
But that was the old O.
J.
The new O.
J.
says fuck the white man, the moon, and his mama! O.
J.
, you better be careful with that knife, or one day you might write a book about how you allegedly took some white bitch's life.
Shut the fuck up! O.
J.
, you scaring us.
Oh, what's wrong, little orphan Arnold? You not a white woman.
You ain't got nothing to worry about.
[laughs.]
[bells jingling.]
[rumbling.]
Whoo-hoo! Black Dynamite! Man, please tell me this ain't no jive! Black Dynamite made it back from the moon alive! O.
J.
: Uh, merry Christmas, Black Dynamite.
[groans.]
Huh? [rumbling.]
Ohh! [groans.]
Ha ha! I threw that rock before I left the moon! Dynamite! Dynamite You know, Black Dynamite, while you were gone, we had a lot of time to think about things.
We learned to just be happy with who we are and what we got.
Like you always told us -- A ho mama is better than no mama.
And a less likeable Black Dynamite is better than no Black Dynamite at all.
Less likeable my ass! I just went to the moon for y'all kids! The moon! I'm flushing these moon rocks down the toilet, you bunch of ungrateful, non-appreciative, no-good mother -- Dynamite! Dynamite [toilet flushes.]
Black Dynamite may not be jolly like old Saint Nick, but he's the one you call when you need somebody's ass kicked in the dick.
Well, Santa helper hos, let's get our asses in flight.
[whip cracks.]
A merry Christmas to all, and to all a Black Dynamite! Dynamite Dynamite! Dynamite