Black Dynamite (2009) s01e10 Episode Script
Seed of Kurtis aka Father is Just Another Word for Mother
Previously on "Black Dynamite" Hey, you know and I know that Frog Kurtis is a Jive-ass mother[bleep.]
Wait, Black Dynamite, I'm part of every lesson you ever learned.
I got you I got you out of peeing in the bed.
Your Daddy wasn't there for that, Black Dynamite.
Your Daddy wasn't there for that, Black Dynamite.
Okay? Black Dynamite, thank you for coming the puppet show as my special guest and best friend.
And you kids can forget about everything that Frog Kurtis Ribbit, mother[bleep.]
ribbit.
This week 1x10 - That Seed of Kurtis AKA Father Is Just Another Word for Motherfer! Hooray, hooray, hooray, war horse # that little [bleep.]
can't open up doors hooray, hooray, hooray, war horse That brings back good and bad memories, but - memories nonetheless.
- These orphans are so excited about going disco skating with you, Black Dynamite, that their little asses slept with their skates on.
Honey Bee, these orphans have spent their whole lives being orphans.
Sometimes they need a break.
And there's nothing like some good disco skating to take the misery out of being an orphan.
Lord knows I can use a break, and I got a mama.
It's hard being a grown-ass pimp living with your mama.
Oh yeah, Black Dynamite, I forgot to go potty before we left.
Cream Corn, hold your horses and your wee-wee, please.
Looks like the traffic done jammed and squeezed with tasty freeze.
- Black Dynamite.
- You kids sit tight.
Don't worry, this traffic jamming's not going to interrupt our disco jamming.
Hooray, hooray, hooray, war horse Man, I'm glad to see you, Black Dynamite! Some preaching-ass fool is having church right in the middle of all my [bleep.]
I can't make no money.
- My camel toe need water.
- Reverend Daddy Dynamite? My long-estranged Daddy's name was "Reverend Daddy Dynamite," and he was a Reverend.
Get along, everybody, cooperation is the key.
Now, I could lie to you and say I'm just going out for a pack of cigarettes, but the truth is, I'm leaving you to raise mother[bleep.]
green.
Bye, bitch.
I never thought I'd see the day when I'd get to meet my Daddy face-to-face as grown Dynamite.
This total coincidence might just give Black Dynamite a sense of wholeness that has eluded him for most of his childhood life.
- I'm just saying.
- Wait, please, don't leave.
I I was just about to send the collection plate around again.
- Daddy Dynamite? - I know, I know.
- Here's your tithes back.
- No, Daddy, it's me, - your son, Black Dynamite.
- Son, a lot of people have that n Boy, I can't believe it.
You got the same mustache you had when you was 8 years old.
You know, I never forgave mama for running you away.
Till this day I have yet to put - a flower on her grave.
- Well, actually, son, I just did a little cool spin and walked the [bleep.]
out on my own.
Oh, well, I guess who left who don't matter no more.
But what brought you back here after all these years, anyway? I read in the classifieds that there was great preaching opportunities in the black community.
So I came here to spread the word.
But I don't know, son.
God's words don't seem to pay like they used to.
Well, you can't give up Daddy.
You're the only preacher I know That tells it like it is.
I mean, you could have lied to my mama and said you was going out for a pack a cigarettes, - but you didn't.
- Yeah, well, son, those were the good old days.
Been nice chatting with you, but Daddy Dynamite shall be going.
Maybe I'll see you in another 25 years, son.
But Daddy, we just reunited, and it feels so good.
Why don't you just stay around for a while? Maybe I could help you out.
- Well, if you insist.
- Uh, I didn't.
I mean, all I just need is a place to freeload for a while.
You know, somewhere I can [bleep.]
shower, and shave, and not pay nothing, just until I get my congregation up.
Well, we got plenty of toilets to [bleep.]
in and enough whores to shower and shave you for a lifetime.
You can stay at the whorephanage.
- Whorpha-who? - That would be perfect, son.
It will also give us an opportunity to catch up, do some of that father-and-son [bleep.]
you always dreamed about.
Honey Bee, call the whores at the whorephanage and tell them to pick up about 3,000 razors and enough shaving cream to keep my Daddy in my life for good.
But Black Dynamite.
This is gonna be like living at home together again, just like when I was 8.
But this time, I'm a grown man with whores and orphans and a bunch of other [bleep.]
, but you you get the picture, Daddy.
Now, this won't mean a damn thing to me until I get to know you a little bit better, Black Dynamite.
Maybe even then it still won't.
But in the meanwhile, give your - Daddy a hug, son.
- Now, I hate to bring down this whole room with a frown, but I just remembered we left a whole load of orphans on wheels in a bus Downtown.
Black Dynamite, you ain't [bleep.]
Come on, boy! Come on! You call this fun in the sun? [bleep.]
that bag.
Dynamite, Dynamite.
Mm, you looking mighty sharp, Black Dynamite.
Hadn't seen you in a while.
Well, at least not without your Daddy.
Honey Bee, I know this has been a big transition for y'all, but a Daddy is what I've been missing my whole life.
Well, yeah, well you just got to be careful, Black Dynamite.
Remember, he didn't come back here for you.
And by the way, you know you missed little orphan Willis' birthday party yesterday.
Not little orphan Willis' birthday! Nooooooo! How was it? It was good.
But he missed you.
They all did.
I don't know if you realize this, but you're a daddy too, Black Dynamite.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man whose life I walked out of when he was an 8-year-old children.
The one that has not only provided us with a place for whores and orphans, but also for the word of God.
Give it up for my most beloved son, Black Dynamite! - Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"? - Dynamite, Dynamite.
You know, when I look around this room, I see nothing but - players, pushers, pimps, and pros.
- That's right.
That's what we are.
- Preach, Daddy Dynamite, preach.
- Now, God's just got one thing for me to lay on you cats and one thing only.
Daddy Dynamite and Black Dynamite are declaring holy war on anybody hustling, pushing, pimping, or selling - hoes in this community.
- But but Daddy Dynamite, Slick Berg Ice, Master Fly, Pimp Slick Micky, Black Zeus, and myself, we all sell hoes to the community.
I know you're selling hoes.
But the problem is you're not giving the proceeds to God.
Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"? - Dynamite wait, what? - And hoes, stop dragging your funky moose knuckles up and down the street every night, only to give all your money away to these pimps of sin.
And if you're gonna sell your [bleep.]
sell that [bleep.]
for God.
If you're gonna pimp that [bleep.]
pimp that [bleep.]
for the lord.
You think that [bleep.]
belongs to you? That is God's [bleep.]
he created it, didn't he? Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"? Whoo! Dynamite.
So I say to you all! Bitch, bitch, bitch y'all better have, y'all better have God-d-d-d's money! Oh.
Can I get a "Dynamite"? What the hell Is going on? Why you doing this, Daddy Dynamite? Why? Why? Why? Listen and learn, Black Dynamite, because that God who art in heaven is a straight-up pimp.
Dynamite, Dynamite.
That's right.
Bring your money to me, Daddy D.
The only way to heaven is through my pockets, baby.
Dynamite, Dynamite.
Now everybody gimme that money-y-y-y! Oooooh! Take this [bleep.]
now, lord, and fill it with your holy spirit.
Y-your life meant everything to me, Dad.
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-and I'm gonna pick up where you left off.
But there's just one thing I got to do first.
And that's teach B-B-B-B-B-B-Black Dynamite that puppet blood ain't cheap! Ribbit, mother[bleep.]
ribbit! Ribbit, mother[bleep.]
ribbit! There he is, my son.
Look here, Black Dynamite Dynamite! I'm thinking about moving them whorephans/orphans, or whatever you call them to the basement and turning their bedroom into a gambling den for the lord.
What do you say, son? Look here, Daddy, I'm not gonna stand here and let you take advantage of my community's sins.
- Now enough is enough.
- Hold on a second, son.
- Will you hoes please excuse us? - Ooh, praise God.
Uh, yeah, your Daddy was just giving them some anointing.
Cut the bull[bleep.]
Daddy.
You're robbing the people.
Now, Black Dynamite don't believe in [bleep.]
up his own Daddy, but I'm about to anoint my foot in your ass, can you dig it? What the devil has gotten into you, boy? I don't know who's been raising you, but it damn sure ain't been me.
Now you will show me and the lord some respect.
Son, I might be making a dishonest living, but at least I'm doing it honestly.
Now, when these mother[bleep.]
stop giving me all their money and [bleep.]
I'll stop taking it.
Now, you're the one who wanted me to stay.
That's because I wanted you back in my life, Daddy.
But I guess nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
You don't know what it's like to grow up with nobody to teach you how not to pee in the bed or how to make green from yellow and blue.
Is that how they make it? Well [bleep.]
I couldn't have taught you that anyway.
That's not the point.
Look, all I hear from you is what you didn't have 'cause your Daddy wasn't there to raise you.
What about how, Dynamite, you turned out because I didn't raise you? I think it's time for you to go, Daddy.
- I beg your pardon? - You heard me! I said scram! Split the scene, my Daddy.
Your Daddy walking out on you made you the man you are today, and this is the thanks I get.
- Now, I could lie to you and say - Daddy! Bye, bitch.
Excuse me, b-brother Daddy Dynamite.
Daddy Dynamite is no brother to no puppets.
- Now, who the hell are you? - Allow me to introduce myself.
I am brother minister That Bastard Kurtis, son of the late That Frog Kurtis.
And I must say that I was truly touched by your message the other night.
Su-su-su-su-such a powerful word, my brother.
- You really think so? - Oh, yes.
You see, brother, I'm a minister, too.
I run a very successful temple spreading bean pies and incense all over Pu-pu-pu-puppet street.
So I can respect a man that's - out there getting God's money.
- Yeah, well, I thought that was the way to go, too.
But apparently I can't even make - a believer out of my own son.
- You and I have a lot in common, brother Daddy Dynamite.
We should go for a ride.
You see, people are like diapers.
They're like diapers, yes.
Hard to change and full of [bleep.]
bu-bu-bu-but puppets, on the other hand, are full of cotton.
Once your hand goes up they ass, you can make them believe anything.
I-I-I-I believe puppets need a master, a-a-a-a somebody to control the strings of their lives.
And if that don't float the [bleep.]
in your toilet, they got a whole lot of money, br-br-br-brother Daddy Dynamite.
Well, brother That Bastard Kurtis, if you possess so much profound insight, why don't you reach these puppets and get - their money yourself? - Do you hear this [bleep.]
st-stutter? Nobody will listen to a-a-a-a stuttering frog puppet, Daddy Dynamite.
But you got that gift and that gab, just like my Daddy had.
Now, I got a st-st-studio where my Daddy used to shoot his Puppet shows at.
I want to bring it back so we can do the first human Puppet show ever on TV.
With your message and my show, you can be the biggest TV puppet - evangelist in the w-w-w-world! - Brother Reverend Daddy Dynamite and brother minister That Bastard Kurtis.
Sounds like a match made in - heaven, right here on Earth.
- Like Martin and Malcolm.
Now, what do you say we start promoting our new show, D-D-D-Daddy? You don't mind if I call you "D-D-D-D-Daddy," right? Well, nobody ever called me "D-D-D-D-D-Daddy" before.
But I guess I could get used to it.
- Bean pie, my Daddy? - Don't mind if I do, son.
Wait, what? "Daddy Dynamite and brother That Bastard Kurtis.
" Hmm.
I don't know about this, man.
We [bleep.]
with Black Dynamite.
You know what? You acting like a little bitch right about now.
Now, we gonna roll up in the rink, find these little marks, and smoke them.
Hey, that's my song.
I'm about to shake what - my mama gave me and boogy.
- Man, what I wouldn't give to have a normal Daddy under some normal circumstances.
At least you had a Daddy to leave you when you was 8.
My Daddy was a test tube.
Cream Corn, this moment is about Black Dynamite's father issues.
Now, you gonna have to save that test-tube-Daddy b-story - for another day, you dig? - Sorry, Black Dynamite.
Here's the give-back, bitch.
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Now, tell me who sent you puppet [bleep.]
and why are you here? Brother minister That Bastard Kurtis is a very hateful puppet, Black Dynamite.
He set this whole thing up.
He brought your Daddy back into your life just to tear him away from you.
But your Daddy is in trouble.
Honey Bee, Cream Corn, Bullhorn! I need you to round up these orphans and get these wheels off them quick, fast, and in a hurry.
My Daddy's in trouble, and he needs me.
Black Dynamite.
Black Dynamite! Black Dynamite, you ain't [bleep.]
As you all know, I am the brother minister That Bastard Kurtis, and I want to thank you all for coming out to the all new God's Dynamite Puppet sho-o-o-ow! Uh, can I help you puppets? - Daddy, it's me, your son.
- Now, hold on, puppet.
Daddy Dynamite has bumped a whole lot of uglies in his day, but I know for a fact I ain't never laid no pipe in no puppet poontang.
- No, it's me, Black Dynamite.
- Boy, what the hell are you doing disguised in a damn puppet costume, looking like a damn puppet? Well, that's why it's called a dis Look, Daddy, there's something you need to know about this That Bastard Kurtis.
He can't be trusted.
He's trying to kill you.
Impossible.
That Bastard Kurtis has been more of a son in these last few days then you've been your whole life, Black Dynamite.
That's because you walked out on me when I was 8.
- Oh, yeah.
- N-now it is time, brothers and s-s-sisters, to give a warm welcome to Reverend bro-brother Daddy D-D-D-D-D-Dynamite! Well, that's me.
Maybe I should scram.
- But Daddy - Bye, bitch.
Brother That Bastard Kurtis Kurtises? Look at your face, Black Dynamite.
What what you thought I was the only one, Black Dynamite? Huh? Oh, yeah, I was the only seed, Black Dynamite? Huh? These brothers here are my F.
O.
I.
brothers the frogs of incense.
Ribbit, mother[bleep.]
ribbit.
And by "brothers" I mean biological, not black.
Cut the toad [bleep.]
That Bastard Kurtis.
- You and I both know what this is about.
- That's right.
Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"? Now, next time I ain't gonna use no gun, 'cause us Kurtises are packing in more then just one place, brother.
You ever been smacked across your face by 50 [bleep.]
frog d-d-d-d-dicks? Huh?! I have.
It ain't a good look, Black Dynamite.
Don't flinch.
It ain't coming yet.
The [bleep.]
ain't coming yet.
When it's coming, I'll let you know, and I'm not coming at you from one side.
I'm coming at you from both sides, from up, from under.
You ever have your face uppercutted by a a frog dick? You try to rope-a-dope like Ali, but it's it's too many dicks! You mother[bleep.]
Black Dynamite.
Kill they assess! P-p-p-p-p-please! Please! Everybody shoot! Everybody shoot! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You mean to tell me n-n-n-n-none of y'all mother[bleep.]
know how to shoot a gun? Huh? Are you kidding me right now? I'm try I'm trying not to get upset.
Bitch.
Bitch.
Oh, lord.
Bitch.
You killed my [bleep.]
Daddy.
You ripped my Daddy in pieces, mother[bleep.]
I'm-a kill your ass right now.
You're dead, mother[bleep.]
Now everybody gimme that money-y-y-y! Bitch! Bitch! Aaaah! Like my Daddy used to say, "r-r-ribbit, mother[bleep.]
r-r-ribbit! And like my Daddy used to say, "dig it while you can, 'cause the light just turned mother[bleep.]
green.
Bye, bitch!" Dynamite! The buck stops here, son.
Don't you see he's got tadpoles in his shoes? You kill him and this [bleep.]
will never stop.
In 13 weeks, we will have another little angry frog puppet seeking revenge.
Look, your Daddy's messed up, son.
And if I wouldn't have left you, this frog's Daddy wouldn't have raised you to be the man you are today.
You'd probably be out there polluting and not giving a hoot, not preventing forest fires.
And who knows what colors you would have been trying to mix together to get green.
And even though leaving you made you a better man, it doesn't make it right.
I'm sorry, son.
And I'm sorry I killed your Daddy on national TV, That Bastard Kurtis.
But he was destroying the minds - of the children.
- [bleep.]
the minds of the children.
He was slapping people in the face with frog dicks.
I know, brother Black Dynamite, I know.
Well, he's gone now.
So maybe you and I can share your Daddy.
He can be like both ours, but we can keep him at my house.
- But he still both our Daddys.
- You two are grown men and frogs now.
You don't need a Daddy like me in your life no more.
Besides, you got your own daddying to do.
And do me a favor if you ever feel like walking out on your kids, just go get a pack of cigarettes instead.
Well, I know this ain't the storybook way to end the scene, but once again it seems like we done left the mother[bleep.]
orphans.
Wait, Black Dynamite, I'm part of every lesson you ever learned.
I got you I got you out of peeing in the bed.
Your Daddy wasn't there for that, Black Dynamite.
Your Daddy wasn't there for that, Black Dynamite.
Okay? Black Dynamite, thank you for coming the puppet show as my special guest and best friend.
And you kids can forget about everything that Frog Kurtis Ribbit, mother[bleep.]
ribbit.
This week 1x10 - That Seed of Kurtis AKA Father Is Just Another Word for Motherfer! Hooray, hooray, hooray, war horse # that little [bleep.]
can't open up doors hooray, hooray, hooray, war horse That brings back good and bad memories, but - memories nonetheless.
- These orphans are so excited about going disco skating with you, Black Dynamite, that their little asses slept with their skates on.
Honey Bee, these orphans have spent their whole lives being orphans.
Sometimes they need a break.
And there's nothing like some good disco skating to take the misery out of being an orphan.
Lord knows I can use a break, and I got a mama.
It's hard being a grown-ass pimp living with your mama.
Oh yeah, Black Dynamite, I forgot to go potty before we left.
Cream Corn, hold your horses and your wee-wee, please.
Looks like the traffic done jammed and squeezed with tasty freeze.
- Black Dynamite.
- You kids sit tight.
Don't worry, this traffic jamming's not going to interrupt our disco jamming.
Hooray, hooray, hooray, war horse Man, I'm glad to see you, Black Dynamite! Some preaching-ass fool is having church right in the middle of all my [bleep.]
I can't make no money.
- My camel toe need water.
- Reverend Daddy Dynamite? My long-estranged Daddy's name was "Reverend Daddy Dynamite," and he was a Reverend.
Get along, everybody, cooperation is the key.
Now, I could lie to you and say I'm just going out for a pack of cigarettes, but the truth is, I'm leaving you to raise mother[bleep.]
green.
Bye, bitch.
I never thought I'd see the day when I'd get to meet my Daddy face-to-face as grown Dynamite.
This total coincidence might just give Black Dynamite a sense of wholeness that has eluded him for most of his childhood life.
- I'm just saying.
- Wait, please, don't leave.
I I was just about to send the collection plate around again.
- Daddy Dynamite? - I know, I know.
- Here's your tithes back.
- No, Daddy, it's me, - your son, Black Dynamite.
- Son, a lot of people have that n Boy, I can't believe it.
You got the same mustache you had when you was 8 years old.
You know, I never forgave mama for running you away.
Till this day I have yet to put - a flower on her grave.
- Well, actually, son, I just did a little cool spin and walked the [bleep.]
out on my own.
Oh, well, I guess who left who don't matter no more.
But what brought you back here after all these years, anyway? I read in the classifieds that there was great preaching opportunities in the black community.
So I came here to spread the word.
But I don't know, son.
God's words don't seem to pay like they used to.
Well, you can't give up Daddy.
You're the only preacher I know That tells it like it is.
I mean, you could have lied to my mama and said you was going out for a pack a cigarettes, - but you didn't.
- Yeah, well, son, those were the good old days.
Been nice chatting with you, but Daddy Dynamite shall be going.
Maybe I'll see you in another 25 years, son.
But Daddy, we just reunited, and it feels so good.
Why don't you just stay around for a while? Maybe I could help you out.
- Well, if you insist.
- Uh, I didn't.
I mean, all I just need is a place to freeload for a while.
You know, somewhere I can [bleep.]
shower, and shave, and not pay nothing, just until I get my congregation up.
Well, we got plenty of toilets to [bleep.]
in and enough whores to shower and shave you for a lifetime.
You can stay at the whorephanage.
- Whorpha-who? - That would be perfect, son.
It will also give us an opportunity to catch up, do some of that father-and-son [bleep.]
you always dreamed about.
Honey Bee, call the whores at the whorephanage and tell them to pick up about 3,000 razors and enough shaving cream to keep my Daddy in my life for good.
But Black Dynamite.
This is gonna be like living at home together again, just like when I was 8.
But this time, I'm a grown man with whores and orphans and a bunch of other [bleep.]
, but you you get the picture, Daddy.
Now, this won't mean a damn thing to me until I get to know you a little bit better, Black Dynamite.
Maybe even then it still won't.
But in the meanwhile, give your - Daddy a hug, son.
- Now, I hate to bring down this whole room with a frown, but I just remembered we left a whole load of orphans on wheels in a bus Downtown.
Black Dynamite, you ain't [bleep.]
Come on, boy! Come on! You call this fun in the sun? [bleep.]
that bag.
Dynamite, Dynamite.
Mm, you looking mighty sharp, Black Dynamite.
Hadn't seen you in a while.
Well, at least not without your Daddy.
Honey Bee, I know this has been a big transition for y'all, but a Daddy is what I've been missing my whole life.
Well, yeah, well you just got to be careful, Black Dynamite.
Remember, he didn't come back here for you.
And by the way, you know you missed little orphan Willis' birthday party yesterday.
Not little orphan Willis' birthday! Nooooooo! How was it? It was good.
But he missed you.
They all did.
I don't know if you realize this, but you're a daddy too, Black Dynamite.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man whose life I walked out of when he was an 8-year-old children.
The one that has not only provided us with a place for whores and orphans, but also for the word of God.
Give it up for my most beloved son, Black Dynamite! - Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"? - Dynamite, Dynamite.
You know, when I look around this room, I see nothing but - players, pushers, pimps, and pros.
- That's right.
That's what we are.
- Preach, Daddy Dynamite, preach.
- Now, God's just got one thing for me to lay on you cats and one thing only.
Daddy Dynamite and Black Dynamite are declaring holy war on anybody hustling, pushing, pimping, or selling - hoes in this community.
- But but Daddy Dynamite, Slick Berg Ice, Master Fly, Pimp Slick Micky, Black Zeus, and myself, we all sell hoes to the community.
I know you're selling hoes.
But the problem is you're not giving the proceeds to God.
Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"? - Dynamite wait, what? - And hoes, stop dragging your funky moose knuckles up and down the street every night, only to give all your money away to these pimps of sin.
And if you're gonna sell your [bleep.]
sell that [bleep.]
for God.
If you're gonna pimp that [bleep.]
pimp that [bleep.]
for the lord.
You think that [bleep.]
belongs to you? That is God's [bleep.]
he created it, didn't he? Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"? Whoo! Dynamite.
So I say to you all! Bitch, bitch, bitch y'all better have, y'all better have God-d-d-d's money! Oh.
Can I get a "Dynamite"? What the hell Is going on? Why you doing this, Daddy Dynamite? Why? Why? Why? Listen and learn, Black Dynamite, because that God who art in heaven is a straight-up pimp.
Dynamite, Dynamite.
That's right.
Bring your money to me, Daddy D.
The only way to heaven is through my pockets, baby.
Dynamite, Dynamite.
Now everybody gimme that money-y-y-y! Oooooh! Take this [bleep.]
now, lord, and fill it with your holy spirit.
Y-your life meant everything to me, Dad.
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-and I'm gonna pick up where you left off.
But there's just one thing I got to do first.
And that's teach B-B-B-B-B-B-Black Dynamite that puppet blood ain't cheap! Ribbit, mother[bleep.]
ribbit! Ribbit, mother[bleep.]
ribbit! There he is, my son.
Look here, Black Dynamite Dynamite! I'm thinking about moving them whorephans/orphans, or whatever you call them to the basement and turning their bedroom into a gambling den for the lord.
What do you say, son? Look here, Daddy, I'm not gonna stand here and let you take advantage of my community's sins.
- Now enough is enough.
- Hold on a second, son.
- Will you hoes please excuse us? - Ooh, praise God.
Uh, yeah, your Daddy was just giving them some anointing.
Cut the bull[bleep.]
Daddy.
You're robbing the people.
Now, Black Dynamite don't believe in [bleep.]
up his own Daddy, but I'm about to anoint my foot in your ass, can you dig it? What the devil has gotten into you, boy? I don't know who's been raising you, but it damn sure ain't been me.
Now you will show me and the lord some respect.
Son, I might be making a dishonest living, but at least I'm doing it honestly.
Now, when these mother[bleep.]
stop giving me all their money and [bleep.]
I'll stop taking it.
Now, you're the one who wanted me to stay.
That's because I wanted you back in my life, Daddy.
But I guess nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
You don't know what it's like to grow up with nobody to teach you how not to pee in the bed or how to make green from yellow and blue.
Is that how they make it? Well [bleep.]
I couldn't have taught you that anyway.
That's not the point.
Look, all I hear from you is what you didn't have 'cause your Daddy wasn't there to raise you.
What about how, Dynamite, you turned out because I didn't raise you? I think it's time for you to go, Daddy.
- I beg your pardon? - You heard me! I said scram! Split the scene, my Daddy.
Your Daddy walking out on you made you the man you are today, and this is the thanks I get.
- Now, I could lie to you and say - Daddy! Bye, bitch.
Excuse me, b-brother Daddy Dynamite.
Daddy Dynamite is no brother to no puppets.
- Now, who the hell are you? - Allow me to introduce myself.
I am brother minister That Bastard Kurtis, son of the late That Frog Kurtis.
And I must say that I was truly touched by your message the other night.
Su-su-su-su-such a powerful word, my brother.
- You really think so? - Oh, yes.
You see, brother, I'm a minister, too.
I run a very successful temple spreading bean pies and incense all over Pu-pu-pu-puppet street.
So I can respect a man that's - out there getting God's money.
- Yeah, well, I thought that was the way to go, too.
But apparently I can't even make - a believer out of my own son.
- You and I have a lot in common, brother Daddy Dynamite.
We should go for a ride.
You see, people are like diapers.
They're like diapers, yes.
Hard to change and full of [bleep.]
bu-bu-bu-but puppets, on the other hand, are full of cotton.
Once your hand goes up they ass, you can make them believe anything.
I-I-I-I believe puppets need a master, a-a-a-a somebody to control the strings of their lives.
And if that don't float the [bleep.]
in your toilet, they got a whole lot of money, br-br-br-brother Daddy Dynamite.
Well, brother That Bastard Kurtis, if you possess so much profound insight, why don't you reach these puppets and get - their money yourself? - Do you hear this [bleep.]
st-stutter? Nobody will listen to a-a-a-a stuttering frog puppet, Daddy Dynamite.
But you got that gift and that gab, just like my Daddy had.
Now, I got a st-st-studio where my Daddy used to shoot his Puppet shows at.
I want to bring it back so we can do the first human Puppet show ever on TV.
With your message and my show, you can be the biggest TV puppet - evangelist in the w-w-w-world! - Brother Reverend Daddy Dynamite and brother minister That Bastard Kurtis.
Sounds like a match made in - heaven, right here on Earth.
- Like Martin and Malcolm.
Now, what do you say we start promoting our new show, D-D-D-Daddy? You don't mind if I call you "D-D-D-D-Daddy," right? Well, nobody ever called me "D-D-D-D-D-Daddy" before.
But I guess I could get used to it.
- Bean pie, my Daddy? - Don't mind if I do, son.
Wait, what? "Daddy Dynamite and brother That Bastard Kurtis.
" Hmm.
I don't know about this, man.
We [bleep.]
with Black Dynamite.
You know what? You acting like a little bitch right about now.
Now, we gonna roll up in the rink, find these little marks, and smoke them.
Hey, that's my song.
I'm about to shake what - my mama gave me and boogy.
- Man, what I wouldn't give to have a normal Daddy under some normal circumstances.
At least you had a Daddy to leave you when you was 8.
My Daddy was a test tube.
Cream Corn, this moment is about Black Dynamite's father issues.
Now, you gonna have to save that test-tube-Daddy b-story - for another day, you dig? - Sorry, Black Dynamite.
Here's the give-back, bitch.
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Now, tell me who sent you puppet [bleep.]
and why are you here? Brother minister That Bastard Kurtis is a very hateful puppet, Black Dynamite.
He set this whole thing up.
He brought your Daddy back into your life just to tear him away from you.
But your Daddy is in trouble.
Honey Bee, Cream Corn, Bullhorn! I need you to round up these orphans and get these wheels off them quick, fast, and in a hurry.
My Daddy's in trouble, and he needs me.
Black Dynamite.
Black Dynamite! Black Dynamite, you ain't [bleep.]
As you all know, I am the brother minister That Bastard Kurtis, and I want to thank you all for coming out to the all new God's Dynamite Puppet sho-o-o-ow! Uh, can I help you puppets? - Daddy, it's me, your son.
- Now, hold on, puppet.
Daddy Dynamite has bumped a whole lot of uglies in his day, but I know for a fact I ain't never laid no pipe in no puppet poontang.
- No, it's me, Black Dynamite.
- Boy, what the hell are you doing disguised in a damn puppet costume, looking like a damn puppet? Well, that's why it's called a dis Look, Daddy, there's something you need to know about this That Bastard Kurtis.
He can't be trusted.
He's trying to kill you.
Impossible.
That Bastard Kurtis has been more of a son in these last few days then you've been your whole life, Black Dynamite.
That's because you walked out on me when I was 8.
- Oh, yeah.
- N-now it is time, brothers and s-s-sisters, to give a warm welcome to Reverend bro-brother Daddy D-D-D-D-D-Dynamite! Well, that's me.
Maybe I should scram.
- But Daddy - Bye, bitch.
Brother That Bastard Kurtis Kurtises? Look at your face, Black Dynamite.
What what you thought I was the only one, Black Dynamite? Huh? Oh, yeah, I was the only seed, Black Dynamite? Huh? These brothers here are my F.
O.
I.
brothers the frogs of incense.
Ribbit, mother[bleep.]
ribbit.
And by "brothers" I mean biological, not black.
Cut the toad [bleep.]
That Bastard Kurtis.
- You and I both know what this is about.
- That's right.
Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"? Now, next time I ain't gonna use no gun, 'cause us Kurtises are packing in more then just one place, brother.
You ever been smacked across your face by 50 [bleep.]
frog d-d-d-d-dicks? Huh?! I have.
It ain't a good look, Black Dynamite.
Don't flinch.
It ain't coming yet.
The [bleep.]
ain't coming yet.
When it's coming, I'll let you know, and I'm not coming at you from one side.
I'm coming at you from both sides, from up, from under.
You ever have your face uppercutted by a a frog dick? You try to rope-a-dope like Ali, but it's it's too many dicks! You mother[bleep.]
Black Dynamite.
Kill they assess! P-p-p-p-p-please! Please! Everybody shoot! Everybody shoot! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You mean to tell me n-n-n-n-none of y'all mother[bleep.]
know how to shoot a gun? Huh? Are you kidding me right now? I'm try I'm trying not to get upset.
Bitch.
Bitch.
Oh, lord.
Bitch.
You killed my [bleep.]
Daddy.
You ripped my Daddy in pieces, mother[bleep.]
I'm-a kill your ass right now.
You're dead, mother[bleep.]
Now everybody gimme that money-y-y-y! Bitch! Bitch! Aaaah! Like my Daddy used to say, "r-r-ribbit, mother[bleep.]
r-r-ribbit! And like my Daddy used to say, "dig it while you can, 'cause the light just turned mother[bleep.]
green.
Bye, bitch!" Dynamite! The buck stops here, son.
Don't you see he's got tadpoles in his shoes? You kill him and this [bleep.]
will never stop.
In 13 weeks, we will have another little angry frog puppet seeking revenge.
Look, your Daddy's messed up, son.
And if I wouldn't have left you, this frog's Daddy wouldn't have raised you to be the man you are today.
You'd probably be out there polluting and not giving a hoot, not preventing forest fires.
And who knows what colors you would have been trying to mix together to get green.
And even though leaving you made you a better man, it doesn't make it right.
I'm sorry, son.
And I'm sorry I killed your Daddy on national TV, That Bastard Kurtis.
But he was destroying the minds - of the children.
- [bleep.]
the minds of the children.
He was slapping people in the face with frog dicks.
I know, brother Black Dynamite, I know.
Well, he's gone now.
So maybe you and I can share your Daddy.
He can be like both ours, but we can keep him at my house.
- But he still both our Daddys.
- You two are grown men and frogs now.
You don't need a Daddy like me in your life no more.
Besides, you got your own daddying to do.
And do me a favor if you ever feel like walking out on your kids, just go get a pack of cigarettes instead.
Well, I know this ain't the storybook way to end the scene, but once again it seems like we done left the mother[bleep.]
orphans.