Black-ish (2014) s02e12 Episode Script

Parents.
They're how we got here.
But none of us want to think about what they had to do to each other to get us here.
Especially me.
Because in my mind, my mother's the Virgin Ruby.
Now, my pops was a different story.
After the divorce, he got right back into the dating game.
Actually, according to the show "Cheating Husband," he might've jumped it by a week.
We're too gangsta for TV That's why you don't see us - Earl! - And still want to be us - Get out of that car! Get out of the car! Don't make me act a fool in this sizzler parking lot! Hold my purse, baby.
When Mama's done, we'll get you some cheddar biscuits, okay? Aah! Outside of some local fame, Pops and the single life got along very well.
Dre, this is Sharon.
She might be your new mama.
This is Cathy.
She might be your new mama.
This is Janice.
She might be your new mama.
My name is Cheryl.
Cheryl's needy.
When it came to my dad, I went with the flow.
But my moms was so busy being my mom she didn't date much.
And when she did, I was not a big fan.
Now, Dre, be a good boy and say hello to Frank.
Ohh! Not in my house.
You may think I overreacted, but as a man, I know what men think.
I know what men want.
So as a son, the worst thing your mom can say is Andre, I have a man in my life.
He's a passionate and firm lover.
I stand corrected.
The second worst thing.
I wonder what type of guy would be into Ruby? Deaf maybe? Or crazy.
I can totally see crazy.
Crazy loves crazy.
Yeah.
Dre, what are you doing? I'm self-soothing.
Stop talking.
I don't know what you're freaking out about.
I mean, we literally know nothing about this guy.
You're right.
We know nothing.
He could be a freak with a dungeon in the basement.
He's definitely a freak if he's into Ruby.
- Eh - Do you think it's a sex dungeon or a murder dungeon? Is it bad that I hope it's murder? No.
I was thinking the same thing.
So, Ruby, you said you met a new friend.
Yes, a new friend who is my lover.
Oh.
His name is Davis.
He owns several restaurants and a general store.
He's a good old-fashioned man.
- Yeah.
- Come on, now.
So, where'd you meet him? On one of those online dating sites Ratch.
Do you mean Match? Mnh-mnh.
Ratch.
RatchOnly.
com.
It's for women of that certain ratchet lifestyle.
Oh.
Online dating? How? You don't even understand how a drive-through works.
What about the fillet of the fish?! - Ma'am, I can't hear you.
- Oh, my god.
Could you repeat your order, please? Listen, you think I'm playing with you, boy?! And a large budweiser! You want anything, baby? - Yeah, get me get me a fry, Mama.
- _ He wants a large fry! Thank god I've got grandchildren who are more helpful than you.
- _ - All right, Grandma.
Let's get you back out there.
What kind of man are you looking for? Oh, Idris Elba, Tom Selleck, Al Jarreau, Jesse Jackson on the balcony Uh, grandma, you're being too specific.
Fine.
Jesse Jackson on any platform.
No, we need to figure out who you're compatible with.
What are your likes and dislikes? Likes Elizabeth Taylor's white diamonds, filene's basement, intimacy.
Dislikes Satan.
Mm.
Demons.
Cilantro.
Ruby, I cook with cilantro all the time.
Cook? Psh.
Dislike.
Now, look, I know you won't understand, but sometimes I just need a good hug.
I can hug you, Mama.
Oh.
Not the way I need to be hugged.
Oh, my Lord! Lord, Lord, Lord Andre.
Boy, stop all that carrying on.
Andre! Davis has invited us to dinner tomorrow night, and I want you there.
Understood? Yes, ma'am.
Mm-hmm.
And, bow, if you've got work or whatever, that's fine.
Mm-hmm.
What what did she just say to me? What why are you back on that dating site? Monitoring Grandma's profile.
But this is a picture of you and your profile.
"I have 5/8 of my grown-man voice"? I haven't had the best luck meeting girls.
It could be because you call yourself the "Fortress of solid dude.
" Because girls love puns.
Just so you know, tank-top selfies are not your strong suit.
Well, Kiersten disagrees with all of you.
Not only is she cute, but she's a fan of comic books and message boards.
No, she isn't, because she's not a real person.
You're being played.
At best, this is a middle-aged Nigerian man who wants your money or your kidney.
You think I'm being catfished? Absolutely.
I'm trusting to a fault, and even I know this screams Nigerian scam.
Yeah.
Have you ever FaceTimed Kiersten? No, but only because she's got spotty wireless.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Yikes.
So, this is how we're gonna get to the bottom of this.
Next time you chat, say something that no geek would agree with.
Greedo shot first.
"Lost" finale killed it.
Val Kilmer was the best Batman You don't have to convince us you're a geek.
We know.
Just save it for Kiersten.
A.
K.
A.
Babatunde Adebayo.
Hey.
What are you doing? Stalling.
I don't want to go meet my mama's homie-lover-friend.
Dre, go get dressed.
What does one wear to meet the man that's smashing his mama? Get it together, Dre.
Probably khakis.
Hey, bow.
Dre, this is Julie.
She might be your new mama.
Hey, Julie.
Pops.
- Hm? - It started.
Mom is dating.
Oh.
Sweetheart, would you meet me in the guesthouse? And, uh, start the bath.
Oh Look here, boy.
Your mama been dating.
Which crusty old crypt keeper we talking about this time? What are you talking about? Earl, I'd like you to meet my friend from Bible study, Lamont.
Oh, hey, Lamont.
So, how old were you when you started writing Leviticus? Earl, this is my bridge partner, Nathaniel.
Nice to meet you, Nate.
Oh.
Have a cigar.
Earl, have you met chester? No, I haven't.
But you might want to check on him.
Wait, you mean an old man died on our couch? He stopped breathing on your couch.
He died in the hospital.
How come nobody's told me that my mama has boyfriends? Or that you have guests over when we're not here? I didn't tell you nothing because there was nothing to tell you.
Besides, she only parades these chumps in front of me hoping I'll get jealous and put her on my Medicaid.
So, these guys really aren't boyfriends.
Oh, not at your mama's age.
- Which is your age.
- It's different for men.
- Uh-huh.
- Older women just want companionship.
You know, somebody to eat soup with.
So They're not Uh Uh? - You know - Bangin' it out? - Bow! - Hell no! Strictly against doctor's orders.
These guys are just technically alive.
Except for Chester.
He's he's dead.
Okay.
Well, why don't we step out Of this '50s time machine, shall we? This guy is very important to Ruby, so we are going to be nice to him no matter how old he is.
Dre, this is Davis.
I know they say black don't crack, but damn! Dre, great meeting you.
Let's have a seat.
Okay.
Oh, my Lord! Lord, Lord, Lord! Well, Davis seemed really nice.
- Nice? - Mm-hmm.
He's a sick, perverted sex monster who couldn't keep his hands off my mama.
Let's all join hands for grace.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay.
- Dre? And an inconsiderate jerk who talked over everybody.
I'd like to make a toast to Ruby and her wonderful family.
Oh.
I don't trust him.
Well, I thought he was super handsome.
And really sweet, and your mom really liked him.
Why are you defending this guy? I'm not defending him, I just I enjoyed talking to him.
And he said a lot of things that really landed on me.
You know, there's nothing that would make me happier than taking Ruby on a trip around the world.
- A around the world? - Mm-hmm.
That takes a really long time.
A really long time.
Would you fly or sail? - Oh, sailing is so nice.
- Yeah, that's a great idea.
And take that lucky lady with you, huh? - Yeah.
- Far away.
I just thought he was really great.
Really, really great.
He was a great guy.
He was sweet.
Bow was out of her mind.
I needed to talk to people who would see things from my perspective.
Men.
Hey, drinks tonight? My treat.
- No.
- Oh, sorry, I can't make it.
I'm dealing with my mother and her new boyfriend.
Whoa-ho! Ruby's dating? 'Bout time.
You have got one curvy mom, there, Dre.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- He's not wrong.
- Just sayin'.
- Even I see it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's my moms.
What is up with guys and their moms? So what if she's dating? Maybe she's lonely.
My mom's not lonely.
She gets plenty of love from her wine club and grandcat.
Look, my mother is not lonely, all right? She has grandkids and and hobbies, probably.
She doesn't need anyone else.
And you know the worst part of this is is the guy is basically my age.
Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
See, I almost exclusively date older women.
Listening.
They know how to take care of a brother.
You see this watch? You see this shirt? You see this jacket? Ethel Watkins all day, every day.
O okay, so so you saying it's not really physical.
It's mainly about companionship and gifts? Oh, no.
The Golden Girls like to get down.
And the great thing about it is that they can't get pregnant, won't get pregnant, and will never get pregnant.
Oh, that's menopause right there.
Okay, curtis curtis, what do you mean? What he's talking about, Dre, is that your mom and this younger man are having really risky, unprotected, skin-on-skin sex, the most intimate kind of sex there is.
Stay with us, Dre.
Tha tha that's it! You know what? I got to put an end to this right now.
Rachel, call for my car.
Oh, my god.
No.
What? I told Kiersten I thought the best Marvel movie was "The Incredible Hulk," and she agreed.
Do we live in a world where "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" doesn't exist?! See? Whoever that is is definitely scamming you.
No.
There has to be a reason.
Maybe she's a big Ed Norton fan, or Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe "Hulk" is the best one.
Or maybe Kiersten is actually a 40-year-old Nigerian man living in an empty swimming pool in Lagos.
So, this is what we're gonna do.
We are going to get even and catfish the catfisher.
But I'm not being catfished.
You'll see.
We're gonna meet Kiersten for a date and see what "she" is really after.
Any luck, you'll be abducted.
I realized the best way to confront the enemy was head on.
- Ooh! - Yes! So I went to pick a fight.
Oh! Come on! Dad! There's like two minutes to go in the game! Sorry about that, bro.
We're not a big TV family.
Since when? There's one in every room.
You put one in front of your toilet like at a hotel.
Nope.
Just not into screens.
Hey, man, I understand.
Mm-hmm.
Kids, tell you what.
Next time, you won't have to watch it on TV.
Got these Clipper tickets from one of my regulars.
Oh, so you think you can just take my kids to a Clipper game? Man, I don't even know you.
No, no, no.
There's six tickets.
One for you, Bow, and the kids.
So you can just stay at home alone with my mama at night? No thanks.
Why are you hassling Pop-Pop, Dad? It's "Pop-Pop"? Yeah.
Because he's twice as strong as Pops.
Well, I just started going to crossfit.
Got some extra passes, Dre, if you want to get in there and, you know, mix it up.
I am not for sale.
But for the sake of my children, I will take these Clipper tickets.
Hey, son.
Who's that? Some manny that you hired to give your kids a decent male role model? No.
That's Mama's new boyfriend.
Say what? Him? - Mm-hmm.
- Wait a minute.
What's he doing raising the roof with my grandson? Because he's twice as strong as you.
That's why the kids call him Pop-Pop.
Say what? Davis is here to replace you.
No, Davis got to go.
Ohh, there he is.
Why didn't I think of this sooner? Who knows more about destroying mom's happiness than you, Pops? Well, she does bring out the artist in me.
So, what are you thinking, hm? You gonna scare him? You gonna show him where Mama shot you? Cut his brake lines.
Pillowcase-bat beating.
It's not about what I'm gonna do to him, son.
It's about what I'm gonna do to her.
Ooh.
I'm about to unleash the power Of the South African krugerrand.
I suggest you take the family to the movies tonight.
To the movies? Oh, yeah.
A double feature.
All set.
"Kiersten" will meet us tomorrow.
Stop saying "Kiersten.
" It's going to be Kiersten.
Sure.
You keep thinking that.
Anyway, I told Kiersten you'll both know each other because you're both gonna be wearing now, get this white denim jackets.
Like, what?! And then we'll post the whole thing on youtube so that the world can laugh at the catfisher in a white denim jacket.
You're wrong.
She's going to be there.
We're soul mates.
But in general White denim.
That's not something I should be trying to pull off? Your son asked me to bring up your plate, Quasimodo.
What's up, baby girl? Just poured myself two glasses of cutty sark.
Would you care for one? Well, you know I've never been one to let a cutty sark go to waste.
Mm.
Maybe we can dance a little bit.
Your lasagna's getting cold, Earl.
Well, maybe I should heat things up a bit.
Okay, now.
Not the South African amulet.
I thought you would've pawned that by now.
Waiting for gold prices to get back to 2010 levels, baby.
Earl, you don't fight fair.
But I'm spoken for.
And as much as the krugerrand gets me going, it's Davis that gets me there.
Ugh! Hey, Ruby, I was am I interrupting something? No.
No, no, baby.
Just a jackass in leggings that's too cheap to spring for Cutty Sark Golden Jubilee.
Come on, baby.
So, Pops had failed.
I had failed.
Maybe I could find an answer in the fridge.
Mm, you're so bad, Davis.
Yeah.
Unh-unh.
This was too much.
I couldn't let it happen in my own home.
I knew what my 10-year-old self would do.
Aah! Not in my house.
But I knew I would be tried as an adult.
So this time around, I decided to do the more mature thing.
Mama! I'm having a heart attack! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Baby! I got you, baby! Mama! Call an ambulance! Oh, no, they'll never get here fast enough! Get on my back! I'll carry you to Cedars! I'm not a doctor, but I don't think he's having a heart attack.
I am a doctor, and he's definitely not having a heart attack.
I see a white light! Oh, my god! There's demons in the light! - Stop! Stop! Dre, enough.
- Don't go! Don't go into the light! I'm so sorry, Davis.
You know what? I think this family's got a few issues to work out, so I'm gonna I'm gonna leave you to them.
Mm.
Good night, Dre.
Ruby, I'll call you.
Oh, no, don't go, baby! Oh, Mama! I see the light again! Oh, no! I see the light again! Devil, come out! Devil, come out! Okay.
I'm going back to sleep.
Was I proud of what I had done? Well, I got rid of Davis and kept his Clipper tickets.
You tell me.
That fake heart attack inspired.
The moment just came, and I ran with it.
Well, you did her a favor, 'cause she looked ridiculous with that young dude.
Yes, she did.
- Earl.
- Hm? We're gonna be late.
Okay, baby.
Got to go.
- Hm? - Going to soulcycle.
Good morning, Andre.
Huh.
And how are you feeling? - Stronger.
- Mm.
Yeah, it turns out it was only heartburn, but I really did think I was having a heart attack.
No, you did not.
But I understand why you had to fake one.
Ever since you were a little boy, we've always been like this.
Mm-hmm.
You never wanted a man to come between what we had.
Mnh-mnh.
Which is why, out of respect for you, I snuck around.
It's you did? The gardener, the chimney sweep.
Oh, baby, wake up.
We didn't have a garden, and we sure didn't have a chimney.
It did seem weird they had Christmas dinner with us.
But I thought, now that you're 40, with four kids and a wife, of sorts, that you might be able to handle the idea of me being in a real relationship.
I really should be.
Yeah, and it's a shame that you're not.
But you know what? Doesn't matter anyway.
Davis and I are over.
- You are? - Yeah.
It would've been fun to travel around the world with my boyfriend and maybe see New Jersey.
I guess I'll just buy a selfie stick and take the Amtrak to Albuquerque.
Mm.
Hm.
- Rainbow.
- Huh? You got any shampoo? I got I I I got a situation.
Oh, my god.
Look, I I thought I washed it out, but 10 minutes into soulcycle, I started leaking oil.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be laughing.
But hair dye? Really? Oh, my god.
Pops, you look ridiculous.
I was trying to help my son.
- Oh, you were trying to help your son.
- Mm-hmm.
'Cause it seems like you went to very great lengths to come between Ruby and her man.
- Oh.
- Too much.
Yeah, I've been told that before.
Admit it, Pops.
You like your floozies, but deep down, you want Ruby to wait for you.
- Oh, she waits for me.
- Mm-hmm.
In shadows with a brick or a bat.
One time a tube sock full of batteries.
You know why you're joking, right? 'Cause you know I'm right.
Yeah.
Ultimately, you know that Ruby is the only one for you.
- I'm not saying you're wrong.
- Mm-hmm.
Just give me the shampoo so I can go take a shower with my 25-year-old.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Oh, hey.
Hey, Davis.
Dre, hey.
Uh, what are you doing here? I want to apologize to you for last night.
Nah, we're cool, man.
Nothing more to say about that.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
There is more to say.
Man, I almost pushed you down the stairs.
What's that? Look, you clearly make my mother happy, and I just need to grow up and let her be her own person.
Hey, that's great, man.
But I'm a little busy right now, so if you could come back - Okay, not - Davis? Baby, if you find my drawers Ma? Oh.
Andre.
Uh, listen, th this is not what it looks like.
Uh, there was a there was a hornet that came toward my drawers, and then Mama, this is exactly what it looks like.
And and I'm okay with that.
Okay, I'm not really okay with it, but if it makes you happy, it's Thank you, baby.
I am happy.
I'm very happy.
Very, very happy.
Oh, my Lord! Lord, lord, lord! Oh, white jacket.
Boom.
She is a he.
Who is definitely not pulling off that white denim.
Well, I'm going to put an end to this.
Yeah.
We're gonna want to film this.
Yeah.
Okay.
Your attention, please.
This man tried to catfish me.
What? He was going to try to trick me into giving him money, an organ, and worst of all, my heart! Which is also technically an organ, but in this case, heart means affections.
As you can see, I'm flummoxed.
People of the coffee house, boo this man! Dude, seriously? Booo! Why are you not booing? Come on.
- Boo! - Junior? Kiersten? You're real! See, Zoey? I told you she was real! My selfie game is strong.
She came here for this.
And this.
And all of this.
Kiersten, tell 'em whose milkshake brought you to the yard.
Ah Kiersten? - Did we get all that? - Oh, yeah.