Black-ish (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - 40 Acres and a Vote

1 How do I say goodbye To what we had? The good times that made us laugh Outweigh the bad So, this is why you took a sick day from work To make a slide show? Do you know how hard it is to choose just the right song? You know, I tried it at first with "I'll Make Love to You.
" It felt okay over Obama but got a little weird over Sasha and Malia.
Yeah.
That's where it got weird.
Okay.
All right, then.
Dre: She doesn't get it.
With Obama leaving office, it's made me think.
Obama was more than just the first black president.
He was the culmination of years of struggle to make sure our votes counted.
1869 Congress passes the 15th Amendment, giving black men the right to vote.
1896 Louisiana passes the Grandfather Clause to keep former slaves and their descendants from voting.
Registered black voters drop from 44% to 4%.
Through the 1940s, poll taxes, literacy tests, and violent threats prevent blacks from voting.
1964 the 24th Amendment makes poll tax illegal, and over 250,000 new black voters are registered.
2008 Obama.
2011 three states pass restrictive photo I.
D.
laws to try to stop us from voting again.
Where we are is so tenuous and can be so easily taken away.
That's why this current election is so important.
No, not this one.
This one.
Junior is running for student body president against this guy.
It may seem a little crazy that I'm investing real time into a high-school election, but the world's losing one black president.
And I want to make sure to give it another.
The future of our entire race rests on Junior.
Okay, which one's more believable? This one? This one? One more time.
This one? This one? This one? This one? Yep, this is my guy, and getting him elected was going to be harder than tricking America into putting a black man in the White House twice.
Why aren't you answering? Why do we keep getting this magazine Black Braids? I don't know.
Why are you asking me? Uh Okay, it's mine.
Too damn old to be ashamed of my proclivities.
Yeah.
Okay.
Keep an eye out for Tax Evader.
It won't have my name on it, for obvious reasons.
Ooh, ballots came today.
- Huh.
- What? - They changed our polling place.
- Of course they did.
They want to make it harder for us to find them.
That there's the reason I don't vote in the first place.
[Chuckling] You're kidding, right? You vote.
You have to vote.
[Clicks tongue] Of course you vote.
You don't vote, do you? Why should I? The election's rigged.
He's right.
Why else you think Bernie isn't the candidate? Because Hillary got more votes.
- Or did she? - She did.
Maybe that's just what they want you to believe.
- Because it's the truth.
- Whose truth? - I'm not doing this with you.
- And I'm not voting this year.
What's wrong with you? We weren't raised that way.
[Chuckles] We were raised to boycott non-hemp fibers and use leeches as Band-Aids, so that argument's not great.
Sideshow Bob here's got a point, Rainbow.
The system is broken.
No, you're broken.
And you are setting a bad example for my son.
No, they're right.
- They're rigging the vote at school.
- What are you talking about? We're "supposedly" voting for a new class pet.
They say it's between a parrot, a snake, and a guinea pig.
But who are they kidding? They're not gonna let us get something cool like a snake.
Damn right, 'cause that's a free-thinking animal.
And it's not like they want our vote anyway.
They're having it during lunch on chicken stars day.
Yeah, no one's gonna show up for that.
- Classic voter suppression.
- Okay.
You need to suppress your face.
So aggressive.
Ooh, is that the new Black Braids? All right, guys, I'm gonna need all hands on deck for this campaign.
- Zoey, public liaison.
- Nope.
Copy that.
Jack, you are on snack duty.
- Huh? - Uh never mind.
Diane, accounts manager.
I will do everything in my power to make sure your candidate loses.
You know, I appreciate your candor, but I'm gonna need that button back.
Oh, let me see this, Junior.
"A new day with Andre.
" Okay.
"Friend to some, acquaintance to many, unknown to most.
" - Huh.
- Don't worry.
I've been preparing for this day since I started high school.
If elected, I would be the most qualified president ever.
- Mm-hmm? - Perfect attendance, stellar grades, every committee allowable, and I hit every janitor retirement party.
Why? You sound like my opponent.
There are three keys to the perfect election-day outfit Breathability, walkability, sensuability.
We didn't fight for civil liberties so Grandma could vote in sweat pants.
Who are you voting for? Whoever the Democrat is, baby.
Without knowing where they stand on any issue? Seems ignorant.
Would it seem ignorant if I slapped the taste out of your mouth? Oh, sweetie.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
Sometimes Grandma forgets she's been saved.
[Chuckles] Listen, precious.
Listen.
Ignorance is being unaware of the dangers of the kitten heel.
[Heel snaps] Oh! Oh! Oh! No! [Ding] No! Not Buchanan! 90% of Buchanan votes were because the elderly picked the wrong shoe.
- [Chuckles] - Your priorities seem off.
God, Idris, alimony.
My priorities are just fine, darling.
[Chuckles] Lord, why is this child testing me today? Zoey, guess who I saw at the store.
- No.
- Cara's mom.
She said Cara got early admission into Princeton.
- That's incredible.
- Well, not really.
Cara looks like somebody who needs to be smart.
Okay, you know what? Say what you want to say.
She's going to Princeton.
Hey, how is your application coming? You want to bounce any essay ideas off your mom? I mean, I know I'm a doctor, but I'm also kind of a wordsmith.
You know, God gaveth with both hands.
I'll be fine, Mom.
I have a 3.
6.
3.
6? Pssht.
Those are army grades.
Excuse me.
I had a 3.
6, and I went to Brown.
Yeah, back when Coke was a dime.
Good luck, soldier.
Outweigh the bad [Man sobbing] Everyone needs to see this.
We can get him a third term.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Mm-hmm.
I will pay my own money to take this around the country.
Or we could just put it on YouTube.
I kind of wanted to see America.
Okay.
M-Maybe we can take it to the YouTube office.
Is it in America? - Yeah.
- Okay, cool.
I'm cool with that.
Hey, what are you guys watching? [Laptop closes] Dre's Obama memorial.
[Gasps] Did he die? - No.
- Oh.
He's just leaving office.
So he can go and die? His term is over.
Oh.
You mean, his his life term? What is your deal with Barack? My deal is that there are thousands of children out there who have never had a white president.
How are they gonna know that they have opportunities? This is crazy.
Barack Obama is the best president we've ever had.
- [Laughs] - Uh, yeah, if Reaganomics never took root and saved the western world from living in caves.
Fact.
Boom.
You both know my son Connor.
Never seen him before in my life.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You probably know him as the New Haven Ripper.
Excuse me? It's just a silly name that the "victims" gave my baby boy for crimes they couldn't prove that he was aware that he had committed.
Anywho [chuckles] Obama's a bad guy.
Yeah, you want to talk about strangling, just look at what he's done to our economy.
Who's talking about strangling? We're not per the settlement with the families.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
As soon as Barack leaves office, they're gonna forget all the good he's done.
Well, I'm not gonna forget that Barack Hussein Obama is a foreign-born Muslim, and he also let Bin Laden sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Okay, Connie, now, that's just home talk, - but, yes, fact.
- Yeah, right? Talking to Stevens and the New Haven Ripper made it clear that there are a lot of Americans who can't wait to get rid of Obama, which meant it was more important than ever for Junior to win this election.
Hey, son, how'd your speech go today? If you can get past all the projectiles and the booing, it went great.
Okay, looks like your speech needed a little help.
Let's roll up our sleeves.
Let's do this.
Yah-ah-ah, are you wearing a flared pantsuit? Yep.
Hugs my frame.
Um, sweetheart, I-I think that's a woman's suit.
What? No.
The lady at the thrift store said it was European.
They have women in Europe.
Yeah.
There were clues The hard candy in the pockets - Yeah.
The shoulder pads.
The fact that it's a woman's pantsuit.
I can't recover from this.
I'm doomed because of one bad speech in an unflattering pantsuit.
Oh, my God.
You're being Hillary-ed.
Hillary-ed.
That's it.
- We are done.
- Wha And to think, I would've been the school's first black president.
What? What did you just say? Your school has never had a black president? No.
And just like that, I knew how Junior was going to win.
What's Ortho Tri-Cyclen? It's birth control, sweetheart.
So many clues.
Junior being one of the only black kids at school was finally gonna pay off in this election.
Pea coat, New Balance, and Frisbee.
They all go in the trash.
- But that's who I am.
- Not anymore it's not.
We are in the last days of disco of it being cool to be black, son.
They are coming for our coolness.
Pitbull is out there, Bieber is right around the corner, but for now, it's still ours.
And we're gonna use it to get you elected.
Okay.
I think I understand.
- Do you? - You know I don't.
I'm just saying this because I want you to leave so I can get my Frisbee out of the trash.
What about a ferret? You need to stay out of this.
A ferret? What is this, a damn joke to you? We're talking about a class pet here.
The boy needs something realistic, like a shark or a bald eagle.
- There it is.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what? Doesn't even matter.
I got a detention for talking in class, and now they won't let me vote.
Classic felony disenfranchisement.
Are we still talking about a class pet? No, we're talking about the rules.
You get in trouble one time in this country, you don't get to vote in it for the rest of your life.
Unless you're in Maine or Vermont.
You could be in jail and vote there.
Oh, yeah, the whitest states in America let their white felons vote.
So messed up.
W-What would you even call that? That is white justice.
You got that right.
Preach.
Hey, girl.
- I'm busy.
- Awesome.
So [clicks tongue] I was just thinking about your application, and yeah, okay About the fact that a big part of your college essay is gonna be the activities that you do outside of school.
So what are you thinking of listing? Nothing.
Sweetie, come on.
[Giggles] There must be something.
I mean, um, drama? Newspaper.
Oh, debate team.
Quit.
Nope.
Ew.
Okay, so when w-when I ask you what's going on and you say "nothing," do you actually mean nothing? Relax.
Everything I've been reading says the essay is the most important part - Uh-huh? - And I'm gonna nail it.
Okay.
Okay.
That's great.
So what's it about? Instagram filters and how they capture my hourly moods.
[Chuckles] I'm gonna lose you in Iraq.
Dre: So, black cool was going to be Junior's ticket to victory.
And that's what's up, y'all.
Junior 2016.
[Feedback] [Rolls tongue] I got broads in Atlanta lean, and the Fanta Credit cards and the scammers Hittin' off licks in the bando Black X6, Phantom White X6, look like a panda Going out like I'm You would not believe your eyes If 10 million fireflies Siri, "Panda.
" Play "Panda.
" [Laughter] Siri: I found a Panda Express on Ventura.
Is this the one you mean? No.
Play "Panda" the song.
"Panda.
" Come on, Siri.
Don't do this to me now.
I'd like to make myself believe Stupid device.
- Play "Panda.
" - Ugh.
"10 Million Fireflies" is hard to recover from.
Yeah, the boy's gonna lose.
Maybe not.
Desperate times, Dre.
He's gonna have to throw down the big domino on this one White guilt.
You know, like I do around here.
Charlie, I've never seen you use white guilt around here.
So Popeye's Friday wasn't enough to convince you? Hmm? [Chuckles] You ungrateful son of a bitch.
- Huh? - Watch this.
With third-quarter revenue reaching an all-time high, I think we can all I'm out.
Hm, I bet his cousin got killed in a drive-by.
Agreed.
You know what? Let's give him all of next week off, okay? Everybody, kick in $20 for flowers.
- What? - Not you, Dre.
I'm sure you paid for more than your fair share of murder flowers.
- [Cellphone chimes] - And, uh, when he comes back next week, nobody talk about it either.
We can't begin to understand what he's going through.
So, I just have to answer a few questions? Yep.
Then the app will tell you which candidate you line up with.
Oh, sweetie, I know which candidate I line up with.
Whoever's Democrat.
[Chuckles] What is your ideal candidate's stance on global warming? Global warming doesn't exist.
Next.
How do you feel about building a wall on our border with Mexico? You mean there's not a wall between us and Mexico? [Scoffs] No wonder they keep coming over here, taking our jobs.
Hm.
Should local police increase surveillance and patrol of Muslim neighborhoods? Only if we don't want the terrorists to win.
- It's just yes or no.
- Put yes.
But say it's because we want to make America great again.
- Okay.
- Great again! That's a crybaby argument.
You saying just because Bernie's out, you're not gonna vote.
That's just sour grapes.
Nope, nope, it's about fairness.
The U.
S.
needs a coalition government like Europe.
Right now if you lose the vote 51 to 49, you get no say in the system.
- That's idiotic.
- Europe's idiotic.
[Gasps] How dare you? Dre: So, black cool was out.
White guilt was in.
And Junior ran with it.
As the son of a former slave, I think I have solution to the vending machine issues that have been plaguing our school.
- [Audience murmurs] - Oh, sorry.
I don't know how that got in there.
But it did happen.
[Murmuring continues] Now, where was I? Right, snacks.
So, as you can see right here, we have chips, uh, candy bars White guilt works.
I'm up 12 points look.
- Let me see that.
- It's true.
He's winning.
Ha ha, nice going, son.
I did it.
[Chuckles] What's that? "Andre 'Son of a Slave' Johnson.
Election rigged"? And just like that, when we were so close to keeping at least one black man in office, they snatch it away.
That is white justice.
How could they say I rigged it? I didn't rig anything.
Of course you didn't, son.
They co-opted rigging.
Rigging happens to us.
Housing, politics, medicine, education rigged.
White folks, they created the system, and the one time it doesn't go their way, they claim it's rigged.
I blame Bernie.
All my years of hard work, and now my good name is ruined.
Look at this.
Look how much darker that picture is than your yearbook one.
They O.
J.
'd you! And finally, the death penalty should be Celebrated with a parade.
Well, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, let's see.
This says your perfect candidate is Trump.
No, baby, I'm a Democrat.
Not according to this test.
It thinks you might actually be Trump.
Son, I've come up with a game plan to combat those rigging lies.
"Who're you calling a rigger?" Hm.
"Rigger, what?" - Dad, stop.
- No, no, no, son.
There's more.
"Rigger, please!" "I wish a rigger would" Stop.
I'm dropping out.
I've already pretended to be someone I'm not, and I don't want to do that anymore.
I just want to be me, nectarine pantsuit and all.
- You'll never get to be - Head rigger in charge? No.
No, I won't.
The good times that made us laugh - Dre, come on, stop.
- What? You are addicted to making mediocre slide shows.
Look, I'm sorry.
I can't believe Junior just quit like that.
We could've won.
By white-guilting people into voting for him? Dre, that's disgusting.
Oh, as disgusting as claiming to be Samoan? Huh, to steal Samoan scholarship money from real Samoans? Prove that I am not Samoan.
Prove it.
Okay, Bow, look.
I know it was just a school election, but we've struggled so hard, and we finally got there with Obama.
And And now that he's leaving, I don't want things to slide back to the way they were and for people to forget how far we've come.
We're not gonna let people forget.
We just have to accept that our kids are growing up, and we have less say in their decisions.
Which means accepting that Zoey is not going to college.
Was her essay that bad? Oh, my God.
Damn.
So bad.
Look, you can't judge me.
You won't eat at Chick-fil-A because of what their CEO says about gay marriage.
Why should I validate a system that doesn't validate me? You don't eat at Chick-fil-A? Hold up.
Why are we arguing? We can all agree we should not vote.
We need a political party for not voting.
Call it the Non-Voting Alliance, the NVA.
- Hm.
- How will we make decisions? Not by voting.
We sit down to stand up.
That should be our motto.
The NVA Sitting down to stand up.
I like it.
So, in this election, we cannot sit back and hope that everything works out for the best.
We cannot afford to be tired or frustrated or cynical.
No, hear me.
Between now and November, we need to do what we did eight years ago and four years ago.
We need to knock on every door.
We need to get out every vote.
We need to pour every last ounce of our passion and our strength and our love for this country I can't believe you weren't gonna vote.
I never said that.
So, let's get to work.
I won the election.
- What? - Yeah.
Congratulations! Yes! How did that happen, son? I thought you dropped out.
Well, I was going to, but then I saw my opponent yelling at the janitors to clean up his rally confetti.
I can't have a person in power who doesn't respect everyone.
So I stayed in the race and won.
[Laughs] Come on.
Congratulations, son.
Valley Glen's first black president.
It isn't all good news.
- They told me some real truths today.
- Uhh The student government is $8,000 in debt.
The new soccer field isn't to code.
And several teachers can't read.
What? They can't It's a real crap-fest.
That's awful.
That's just what Bush did to Obama.
Yes, we can.
- Hey, I finished my essay.
- Oh.
- I think you should read it.
- Oh.
"Imagine living in a home" where your mother can't stop having children Both: where you are constantly Zoey: taking in another mouth to feed, a home where grandparents, uncles, siblings all huddle together in one room, where only the strongest will survive, a home where you'll never know where you next meal is coming from.
Chipotle or Katsuya? A home where your mother is in and out of the hospital, where men don't vote, where the man who may or may not be your father often skips work Both: to feed his addictions.
"I don't have to imagine this because this is my life.
" So you are using white guilt for your college essay? - Yes.
- Uh-huh.
Okay.
Well, someone's getting into college! - Yes! - Yes! [Laughs] By the way, we're part Samoan.