Blunt Talk (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Your Therapist And His Pussy Are Here

1 Previously on Blunt Talk CORNELIA: I think I'm being followed.
A colleague of mine, he was on to something very corrupt here in LA with the water.
He's dead.
I haven't done anything wrong lately, have I? HARRY: You've yet to respond to Vivian and Moby's wedding invitation.
This is all my fault.
Oh, don't beat yourself up, Walter.
Not everything is your fault.
MARTIN: How do they do that? I mean, is there a hole under the desk and they're all climbing up a ladder? CELIA: Ready, Jim? We have to go to the hospital now.
- Okay.
Did I just swallow mescaline? - Yeah.
Celia, will you marry me? I love you so much.
I really do.
- This is terrible.
- Herschel, where's Cornelia? You know, I heard her talking on the phone.
She's meeting somebody at the old depot.
It seemed serious.
This can't be good, Harry.
Blunt Talk Harry! Sit down and try to relax, Major.
I'm not a major, I'm a captain.
And why do I need to relax? Sorry, I was referring to the major, Major.
- I mean captain, Captain.
- What? - Who's the major? - He's the major, Captain.
Uh, that's right, I'm the captain, Major.
Uh, I'm the major, Captain.
Christ, Harry, you got me all muddled.
I think you're both drunk.
I smell alcohol.
I take offense to that statement, Captain.
I am perfectly sober.
Maybe it's witch hazel you can smell, Captain.
We use it for dry skin and, uh, other more private ailments.
- Mr.
- Yes? We've located your missing person.
She's at Cedars-Sinai.
Somebody gave her a good working over, but she's conscious.
: Dr.
Shapiro to Cardiac I'll wait here, sir.
Thank you, Harry.
Oh, oh, oh! - Walter.
- Poor dear.
I can't believe this has happened.
Are you in pain? Not too bad.
Good drugs.
Almost makes it worth it.
[laughs] But how did you find me? I went to the police.
Oh, Walter, I'm so sorry I worried you.
If you had waited till the end of the broadcast, I would have come with you.
I could have protected you.
But I was set up.
Somebody is making a lot of money off of this drought.
And they don't want people to know.
Here we go.
Oh! Tony.
Walter, this is Tony.
Tony, Walter.
- Hello.
- Walter Blunt.
- I used to read your column years ago.
- Oh.
Why did you use so many exclamation marks? Tony, could you give us a minute? Okay.
There's a clown in the hallway.
I'll pick his brain for a good restaurant.
: Tech to Radiology.
Imaging tech to Radiology.
So, um, who's Tony? We've been seeing each other for the last six months.
He flew here to surprise me.
I wanted to say something sooner.
It was just such a shock to see you.
Just tell me how I can help you.
There's nothing for you to do, Walter.
This is a fight I can't win.
Tomorrow, I'm going back to England.
I'm so sorry our timing has never been right.
[Martin laughs] Jesus Christ, Jim's proposal's been reposted half a million times.
Where are all the Shelly Tinkle GIFs? I know.
And I can't believe we didn't think of Jimelia.
I guess we've been distracted by work.
It I mean, it's even better than Brangelina.
Or Kimye.
Or, uh or Billary.
Or Sacher-Masoch.
Who's Sacher-Masoch? Oh, I just threw that in there.
He invented masochism in the 19th century - and was a friend to the Jews.
- Oh.
But do you think, uh, maybe Celia will change her mind and marry Jim? Oh, I hope not.
I'd still like to get in her pants just once.
What is it about her that makes you so mad with desire? I think it's her long legs.
She's like a tree I want to topple.
But I don't have an axe.
I always want the ones who don't want me.
I have an axe.
Shut up.
Walter's not gonna like this, Bob.
Not at all.
No fucking way.
You think I give a shit? Listen, this Jimelia thing is huge.
We've never had a response like this.
Who gets 10,000 emails? Walter won't put them on-air to discuss a private matter.
He'll say Blunt Talk is not a telenovela.
Rosalie, lonely hearts all across this country are going nuts.
It is a romantic story.
People want to know why Celia won't marry him.
- You want to know, right? - Oh, yes, Mr.
- But Walter won't have it! - All I want is a follow-up segment.
They let our viewers know that they are okay.
Or not, which would be even better, right? I I think it's huge.
I love it.
I love it.
Mammy! Did you know Al Jolson, aside from being one of the greatest singers of his time, was also a huge civil rights activist? No, I didn't know that, Bob.
I like to sing.
I love to sing.
I actually could have been a star.
I went to the same high school as Lenny Kravitz.
You know, we should do a bio piece on Al Jolson.
If Walter gives you a hard time about Jimelia being on the air, you bring him to me after my facial.
Major, anything I can do? Nothing, Harry.
Those bastards.
But she doesn't want my help.
She wants nothing from me.
I'm sorry, sir.
And I know that I am ridiculous, but I am heartbroken again.
And it's all just projection, Harry.
Most love is, sir.
What did Proust say? "It is our imagination that is responsible "for love, not the other person.
" I don't give a shit about Proust, Harry.
What pains me is that she's with that ass with the flowing hair.
You have a beautiful head, sir.
Like an artillery shell.
So there's no need to compare yourself unfavorably to that dickhead in the hospital.
It's not about hair, Harry.
I was never, ever good enough for her.
[phone chimes] [sighs] Walter, what's up? It's early.
I I want to come and see you, Vivian.
It's really important.
What's wrong? You're not coming to the wedding? Oh, Moby will be so disappointed.
- He loves you.
- It's not about Moby.
Hey, Walter.
It's Moby.
What's not about Moby? Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Jim, please, it's just a break.
I need some time to think.
I need to breathe.
You can think and you can breathe and still be with me.
I'm really sorry I asked you to marry me while having a hallucinogenic experience, okay? I really am.
I'm sorry.
It's not just that, Jim.
I'm not good at relationships.
I feel like I get erased.
I only think about you.
Well, thinking about me is good.
- No, it's it's not.
- It's good.
But if I hadn't asked you to marry me, you wouldn't be doing this.
It may have pushed me over the edge, yes.
Over the edge? [scoffs] I hate myself.
Jim, it's just a break.
Just some time for us to, you know, think.
This break might give us perspective.
- It's just a break - Stop saying "break.
" A break is just the first step in breakup.
This is a breakup.
Jim, please.
Let's be positive.
Let's be grateful that your your polyp isn't cancerous.
I don't care about my stupid polyp.
[sighs] This has happened to me before.
It starts with a break, then it's breakup.
It's a break-up.
A break-up.
- This is a break-up.
- Jim! [sighs] When will this separation be over? I don't know.
You have to be patient.
I really need you to do this if you want to hold on to us.
[sighs] - Is it over yet? - Jim.
- Now? - Don't be silly.
Now? You know the break restarts every time you ask that.
I don't understand.
We covered this in couples counseling for three years and two months.
Yeah, but I I never really grasped what went wrong why it didn't work out.
What in me was lacking? Nothing.
Uh, well, maybe it was the late nights, the drinking, your bathroom issues, Harry.
But deep down inside I just knew I wasn't the one for you.
- Daddy! - Hey, Bertie.
Give us a hug.
Ah! Hey, why are you wearing a yarmulke? Moby wants everyone at the wedding to wear a yarmulke.
Hey, but Moby's not a Jewish name.
MOBY: Ready or not, here I come! - Bertie! Walter, hi.
- Hi, Moby.
- It's so good to see you.
- Yeah.
- Family.
- No.
Your show last night was amazing.
- Thank you.
- But are those two actually gonna get married? I don't know what's happening with Jim and Celia.
But, Moby, why are you getting everyone to wear yarmulkes at your wedding? So I have this idea that all of us are gonna wear these shiny yarmulkes and there's gonna be an aerial drone circling over the wedding and with our yarmulkes we're gonna spell out "Moby loves Vivian.
" Oh.
Well, I'm sorry to add to your miseries, Walter, but I do have three pieces of bad news.
In what order do you want them? Oh, start with the least painful and work your way up.
Okay, one the jail is on lockdown with a lice outbreak.
We have to reschedule Duncan Adler.
Fine, bump him.
We've done it before.
That wasn't too bad.
Two we heard from the lawyer.
Blunt Cock may be harder than we think.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I think we just may have to swallow this one, legally speaking.
We have a meeting with the lawyers next week.
- Coffee, Major? - Oh, yes, Harry.
And three Gardner wants Jim and Celia on air tonight to discuss last night's marriage proposal.
- What? - Did you see this? Jimelia is on the front page of Reddit.
What the hell is Jimelia? It's Jim and Celia's power couple name.
Although Celia has already asked for a separation.
The Today Show, Good Morning America, they all had a good laugh about it this morning.
But we were trying to raise consciousness about colon cancer.
Thank you, Harry.
I'm afraid it's been overshadowed, Walter.
And this is because Jim went berserk.
Where is he? He went to run an errand at the Dollar Shop.
- And Celia? - She's in the ladies' room crying.
And Shelly's consoling her, if we can trust her motives, which I think we can.
- I think I've finished crying.
- Okay.
Poor Jim.
I once broke up with someone and he killed himself three years later.
Oh, I I doubt there was a connection.
Wait, wait, wait.
Some more still needs to come out.
[sobbing] Celia.
Please, it's gonna be okay.
I feel terrible for hurting him.
I'm an awful person.
Just awful.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're not awful.
Jim's gonna be all right.
He'll survive.
- But he's so fragile.
- So are you.
Listen if I do something funny right now, will you stop crying? Like what? Guess who I am.
[speaks French] [gagging] Did you figure it out? It's so easy.
I've got no idea.
Get off the floor.
You're covered in micro-feces.
Can't believe you didn't get it.
Isadora Duncan.
Her scarf got caught in the wheel of a car in the south of France and she broke her neck.
[sobbing] Okay, sorry, sorry.
Okay, look.
Jim's gonna be all right.
I know it.
He is a lot stronger than we give him credit for.
[blows nose] Bob, I cannot stress strongly enough how much I do not want to do this.
You know, I should be in front of the camera.
My mother tells me when I walk into a room, people take notice, they always have.
Bob, please, why is this Jimelia nonsense so important to you? Because our audience wants to know and it's a good story.
But I don't think Jim and Celia's love life is newsworthy.
I don't think anyone's is.
A private heartbreak should remain that private.
Blunt Talk is not a Telenovela.
How did you know I was gonna say that? I know everything.
Oh, Bob, please.
Oh, you know who will have Jim and Celia on air? Don Lemon.
- He would not.
- Yeah, he called earlier today.
He wants to do a satellite interview with our Jimelia.
- What? - So if you won't have 'em on, I'll give them to Don.
Don and I did a capella back at Emory.
In the jungle, the mighty jungle The lion sleeps tonight - [slaps] - [whispers] Fuck! He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he.
Bob won, Walter lost.
Jim and Celia are doing a two-minute segment.
Well, you were never gonna win anyway.
He was only indulging you.
Walter, your therapist and his pussy are here again.
Do you think she put special extra emphasis on pussy just to antagonize me? I do.
It's good to have another bitch in the office.
- Besides you.
- [chuckles] [sobs] No! [grunts] Do you hear mewling coming from Jim's office? I do, but I am using Al-Anon.
Detach with disinterest.
I think it's detach with love.
I went to Al-Anon because of my college roommate.
He drank beer every weekend.
I'm detaching.
I have work to do.
Hey, um, I was thinking.
Uh, if we were a power couple, our name could be Shartin.
- Oh, Shartin? - Yeah.
A shit you thought was a fart.
- Uh - Cool.
You're right.
That doesn't work.
Um, uh, what about, uh, Martinelly? [chuckles] You know, that way, we'd have our own apple juice.
Uh, I found one in the fridge.
Do you wanna share it? No, Martin, I don't want apple juice.
I'm not a baby.
Get back to work.
Jim and Celia are useless morons today and Walter needs us.
I have so many regrets.
My first wife, my third wife, my second wife, Cornelia, Vivian.
I've loved too much or I've loved too little.
Troubled people love in a troubled way, Walter.
Perhaps, then, this is a time to help others.
You know, it's often at our own nadir we can be our most useful.
I was thinking, perhaps if you Beth? Doctor? I will check on you every hour, Dr.
Thank you, Walter.
I won't bill you for the full session.
I hope he'll be all right.
Poor Beth.
First Dr.
Weiss, now Dr.
You're killing off all your Jewish shrinks.
Their being Jewish, Rosalie, has nothing to do with it.
JIM: Help! I think it's Jim, Major.
JIM: Help! [sobbing] Help.
Walter, what are you doing here? You were crying for help.
- I was? - Oh, my God, he's hoarding again.
Harry, Martin, help me.
Come on, Jim.
Sit up.
There we go.
Harry, commanding officer.
- Jim, you all right? - Oh, no, no, no.
Don't look at me.
I'm ugly.
Rosalie, get her out of here.
- All of you.
- I'm so sorry, Jim.
What's going on, Jim? Celia broke up with me 'cause I'm perverted and I'm ugly.
You're not perverted and ugly.
Anyway, I was under the impression this was just a break.
That's what they all say, Walter.
It starts with a break, then it's break-up.
- It's a breakup.
- Uh, stop it, Jim.
I'm sorry.
[sighs] I know you're in pain.
And I also understand the wretched sting of rejection.
But we have to accept we cannot control another person's heart.
- We can't? - No.
And everything's gonna be all right.
You're gonna be all right.
- I am? - Mm-hmm.
Will I get Celia back? Uh, that I can't promise.
Sometimes we lose people.
CELIA: The past 24 hours has been an emotional roller coaster and we're both very touched by the outpouring of concern after last night's broadcast.
But it was premature of me to ask Celia to marry me.
We've only been dating for three months.
So we're going to take a little break to figure things out.
But let's not forget why this happened.
If you're over 50, you should get a colonoscopy.
- It could save your life.
- Or break your heart.
We'll we'll send it over to Walter.
Thank you, Celia.
Thank you, Jim.
I applaud your courage and your honesty.
Now, let's get back to the news.
They shouldn't be alone tonight.
I agree.
I'll take Jim, you take Celia.
At least Martin and Shelly are stable.
Yeah, my beautiful Martin.
What about you, Walter? - Stable? - No! Not stable.
Not at all.
I'm unglued.
[chuckles] What's Harry say? Oh, Harry.
He's off in Sylvialand.
[chuckles] Oh, I'm so frustrated, Rosalie.
Tonight's broadcast was humiliating.
And I do nothing while Cornelia is terrorized and chased out of LA.
So do something.
Show this woman you love her, but expect nothing in return.
- Hmm.
- Can we flip over now? With Teddy away, I need some affection.
Yes, Rosalie.
Oh, yes.
[chuckles] "To put it concisely, "we suffer when we resist the noble "and irrefutable truth of impermanence and death.
" - Well, I think we'll stop there.
- [clapping] Thanks, Harry.
And thank thank you guys for tucking me in.
I was hoping Walter would, but I guess he's too busy.
I'm sure you'll see him in the morning, Jim.
He cares about you very much.
That's right, Jim.
And if you have night terrors, just scream and we will come running.
What? Now, be a good lad and get some rest.
Oh, I'm not quite ready to close my eyes now, Harry.
Time to sleep, Jim.
Yeah, but, Harry, I just I wouldn't fight him, Jim.
He's very strict about bedtime.
It's true.
Oh! Okay, okay.
[grunts] Now, there's a good lad.
Herschel! [piano music playing] What's the use of wonderin' If he's good or if he's bad? Or if you like the way he wears his hat BOTH: Oh Oh, what's the use of wonderin' If he's good or if he's bad? He's your fella and you love him That's all there is to that.
- [laughs] - [chuckles] It's okay.
You're drunk.
I know I am.
We're fantastic together.
You know that lyric "He's your fella and you love him"? I hope Jim knows I am thinking of him.
I'm sure he does.
He's probably hearing you singing in his dreams.
Now, come on, let's try again.
[playing] Common sense may tell you That the endin' will be sad And now's the time to break and run away BOTH: But What's the use of wonderin' [faint singing] I want to take this on.
I want to find those men who murdered your friend and who assaulted you.
Walter, please, let it go.
I can't let it go, Cornelia.
I have to do this for you and for me.
You understand? I still need to be a journalist.
All right, Walter.
A memento? It's a jump drive.
It has all my colleague's files.
But please be careful.
This drought is deadly in more ways than one.
Thank you.
[elevator bell rings] Lobby.
You must be joking, I deny Tears are forming in my eyes I'm oversensitive I'm hypersensitized And it makes me feel like I am alive And there's nothing to dislike I don't need lights on my pushbike My light comes from inside Oh, yeah, it makes me feel like I am alive When the ice turned into water And the water turned to gases Steaming glasses on the frosty afternoon And her lips were warm, her hands were cold I never thought I'd feel this old This isn't gray hair, just the first light of a new dawn I saw you at the embassy.