Bob's Burgers s04e17 Episode Script

Good morning, Chariot.
Good morning, Peggy-Sis.
Do you want to run into town? No.
It's too hot to trot.
Xandar! Equestranauts, I've cast a spell on Horse Valley Farm that will bring a thousand years of darkness.
Oh, no.
We have to stop him.
To the stable.
Peggy-Sis.
Headhorn.
Chariot.
And Minnie.
The Equestranauts! Do I like this show? Neigh I do not.
I told you we should have watched reruns of Melrose Place.
So, Chariot, are you as excited about going to the Equestranaut convention today as I am? Maybe even more excited.
Well, it's not a contest, Chariot.
You ready to go, honey? I was born ready.
Let's giddyap, people.
Wait, you guys are going, too? Uh, we're not not going to a toy-pony convention.
And Chariot's gonna get a new saddle.
Finally.
Chariot? That's kind of a weird name for a horse, isn't it? Why is that? It's like, "Hey, who's pulling the chariot? It's Chariot.
" Oh, my God.
Why am I analyzing this show? Anyway, you guys can't all go.
Who's gonna help me with the restaurant? Not me.
I traded shifts with Antonio.
Never mind.
Never mind.
Just go.
Yay! Guess I'll be here with Antonio, the employee Gene made up.
You should know, he thinks you killed his father, so he may seek revenge.
Good luck.
Hey, Bob.
You going to EquestraCon? Uh, no, Teddy.
Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses.
Uh, beg to differ, Bob.
It's for guys that like toy horses.
They're called Equesticles.
"Equesticles"? Yeah.
'Cause they got testicles.
'Cause they're men.
I'm really here.
I'm really here.
I'm Where am I? This isn't a community of my peers.
Does anyone else think these girls all look like men? I think they are men.
This is a kind of man.
We discovered a new kind of man.
Do you think they're dangerous? Mmm no.
Oh, God.
Poor Tina.
I know, right? Why do men have to ruin everything? I don't know.
But we kind of do.
What's with us? Aah! All the war.
All of the war.
And this, too.
It is a good show, though.
It is? Yeah.
It's pretty good.
Well, some episodes before the reboot.
So, I guess we should jump on in there.
Oh, no.
I said I wanted to "see" it, not, like, walk around in it.
On my legs.
Yeah, Tina.
What do we look like to you? People that walk on their legs? Well, I'm gonna go check out the food court.
Oh, yeah.
Let's watch them eat.
And watch me eat.
You guys should see what I can do with nachos these days.
What? You'll see Okay.
I guess I'll just take a lap.
Meet you back here in 12 hours? Ooh.
I like this one.
That's hand-stitched.
They're $95.
$95? You could buy an actual saddle for that.
Okay.
Never mind.
I guess I can't get you a new saddle, girl.
Don't look at me like that.
Nice Chariot doll.
Is it your dad's? No.
It's mine.
Wha What's, what's the matter, little lady? I guess I just feel a little out of place here.
Maybe because I don't have enough money.
And I'm not a grown man.
Oh.
You can barely tell.
Listen, why don't you hang out with us? This is Sunpuddle.
Ta-da.
Horseplay.
Pleasure.
Pony Danza.
Neigh! And I'm Bronconius.
Great.
I'm Tina.
I was starting to feel like I didn't belong.
Are you kidding? Everyone belongs here.
That's what the Equestranauts is all about.
You can be anything you want to be.
No judgments.
Well, some judgment by me, like this.
Hot mess.
Hey.
Are you okay? You're a cute mess.
I want to talk more about that pony, Tina.
When'd you get it? I came out of the womb with it.
Just kidding.
I got it on my fifth birthday.
I didn't recognize it as a joke at first.
Well, my theory is the original series and the reboot take place in the same multiverse.
Yes! That totally makes sense.
Then how do you explain the Incepticon? Come on.
Were they Incepti-kidding? I guess they were.
Say, Tina, have you ever thought about, uh selling that pony? Oh, no.
Why, Bronconius? Oh.
Just Bron-curious.
So you're the original owner? Yeah, but I hate to say I'm her owner.
I prefer mother, caretaker, best friend and role model.
And she couldn't ask for a better role model.
Look at all you've accomplished Tina, with your bangs and your socks.
Thank you.
Oh.
Hey.
Oh, my gosh.
What's this? Why, it's the new Cosmic Twinkle Chariot doll.
Gee, and I don't even really need it.
Want to just trade straight up? Yeah I-I don't know.
Tina.
Tina.
Tina.
Face it, your Chariot doll's looking a little giddy-yuck.
Me and the guys here think you deserve an upgrade.
Right, guys? Right, guys? Ye yeah.
Right.
Yeah, I think that.
Sure.
Treat yourself.
See? This is gross.
But this Oh so pretty.
It is pretty.
Everyone will envy you.
Um okay.
Great! Well, got to gallop.
What? Oh.
Guys, let's pick it up.
Bye.
B-Bye.
The rarest Chariot doll is mine! And all I had to do was swindle little miss Tina-bopper.
She had no idea what it was worth! What the? Uh, great, Bronconius.
Good job.
Tina, did some guy just swindle you out of your toy horse? What? No.
I mean, kind of.
Why did you say that? He just said it.
Wha? Who? Wha What's going on? Wha? Tina got swindled! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Ah! I told you, we should never have left the food court! How could I be so stupid? Bronconius played me for a fool.
I can't believe someone cheated you out of your doll.
Equesticles! Can't trust them.
Why would somebody do that? What's so special about your horse? "The rarest Equestranaut.
" Only six in the world! My Chariot was rare? She never even mentioned it.
She was so humble.
It has a rare production defect.
It has camel toe.
It has camel toes? No.
Camel toe.
Oh Well, this is ridiculous.
She's just a kid.
And I bought that the night before your fifth birthday when your mom remembered we didn't have anything else for you.
I'm going down to that convention and I'm getting that doll back.
Bronconius isn't gonna just give it back, Dad.
Wake up! He tricked Tina! We got to fight trick with trick! Like what, Louise? Dad's gonna waltz in there disguised as an Equesticle with a complete knowledge of the show, earn their trust, infiltrate their inner sanctum, then steal Chariot back? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! And yes! No, no and no.
Oh, come on! We've always wanted to give you a makeover.
And I've always wanted to make you a silly costume that you have to wear in public.
And you love me and would do anything for me.
Yeah, do it for us.
Okay.
Fine.
Yay! Undercover Horse Dad! I love a good picnic after completing a mission.
And I love a good picnic after completing a picnic.
Minnie! So, Minnie's power is, she's small? Yes, Dad! And it comes in extremely handy in many of their missions.
Focus, damn it.
I'm sorry, Tina.
I'm trying.
Dad, you have to be perfect.
These people know everything there is to know about the Equestranaut multiverse.
One slipup, and it's over.
Okay.
So, I'll just watch this a few more times, take notes and And all these.
Okay.
And read all of this.
Uh, that's a lot.
And when you brush your teeth tonight, use this Chariot toothbrush.
Seriously? We can't take any chances.
Fine.
I'll use it.
So, the mane is the bristles.
Right.
Right.
I got that.
Well, you're doing it backwards.
Oh.
Oh.
Right.
It has two manes.
Oh.
That's the tail.
No.
That's Yes.
I got it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Wow! Amazing.
I, uh I have no words.
Dad, pop quiz: Who did Horsana marry in season three? Prince Horson.
No.
It was King Horsely.
Correct.
And what's the capital of Horse Valley? Well, a lot of people would say Horseterdam, because that's the largest municipality, but it's actually Salt Lick City.
That's right.
Ha! I would have said Horse-pelier.
And finally, who would win in a fight between all four Equestranauts? Oh, my God.
Um trick question.
Because the Equestranauts have a bond of friendship greater than any force in the universe, so they would never have a fight.
You're ready.
Bobby, this whole thing is turning me on.
You're like a sexy spy.
Yeah.
I kind of am.
Whoa.
Except I'm wearing a horse costume.
Yeah.
Remember, you're Bucephala.
She's their favorite minor character, so you'll have something to talk about.
Your pony name is Bob-cephala.
Why do I even need a name? Do you have a pony name? No! I'm a girl.
Girls who watch the show are just girls.
But you're a man.
So act like a man and use your pony name.
Wait! I think I see them! Where? Where? Right behind you.
Abort! Abort! Take your cyanide capsule.
Gene, get off the phone.
Hey, nice Bucephala.
Thanks.
She's, uh, my favorite minor character.
Well, have a great 'con! I was just gonna walk in this direction as well.
So, yeah, I-I oh, man, I love the Equestranauts.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Very much.
All the different ponies interacting.
It's my phone.
One moment.
What is it? Dad, you're tense.
I can tell from here you're tense.
Just relax.
Do it! Do it! Relax.
Do it! And, Dad, you walk funny.
Not helping, Gene.
I'm just saying, work on that.
Okay.
Anyway, have you guys ever heard of this rare Chariot doll that Look! There's Bronconius.
What now? Dad, that's him.
That's the guy that took my pony.
Do not let him see you walk.
Hi, Bronconius.
Have you been having a super great time today? Up-bup-bup-bup-bup.
Who's this fella? This Bucephela.
Uh, it's actually Bob-cephela, but you can call me Bob.
It's a shortened form of the name.
Nice costume.
Oh.
Thank you.
No.
I was being sarcastic.
It's ridiculous.
Uh what's wrong with it? Actually, it's like 50% the costume and 50% the way your body looks in it.
Well, season five, episode 12 called, and it wants your costume back after you wash it.
Got a little bite in you, huh? Little kicky? Um I like it.
Oh.
Question: What's wrong with our faces? They're not painted.
Face painting booth! Bob-cephela? Yeah! Def uh, yeah.
Count-count me in to that.
Look at Bob.
He's so happy.
What a playdate.
He's so deep undercover, he's forgotten who he is.
Oh, my God! What if he becomes a double agent and starts spying on us for them? What a day.
Phew! After all that fun, it would be great just to sit down and chat about, like, what rare collectibles we've gotten recently, right? You go first.
Well, I'd love to, but I got to go primp for the party.
You going to the party? The party? Uh, yeah uh, yeah, sure.
You primp? You groom? Yeah, I-I primp and groom.
Good.
So we'll all go primp and groom and meet back up at the party.
So we'll talk at the party? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got to go, got to primp! See you there, Bob-cephela! Tina, clear some space on your bookshelf.
Chariot is coming home.
I don't keep Chariot on my bookshelf.
It's a saying, Tina! I could clear some space on my dresser.
Forget it.
Okay, bookshelf.
Hey, guys! Bob-cephala! Drink? Sure.
We were just talking about which Equestranaut has the best power.
Oh, I'm not getting in the middle of this one.
Oh, come on, Bob, you have to answer.
Well, it's definitely not Headhorn.
What?! What?! Hold on! I was just kidding, Horseplay.
Relax.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I really like Headhorn.
Wow.
Ugh! What is in this? It's a cocktail, designed by and for Equestranaut lovers.
It's called Horse Medicine.
This will really help you get into character, Bob.
Great.
Bob-cephela! Did you primp? Yeah.
I mean, I thought I did.
But you didn't groom.
I did, Bronconius! Please.
Sunpuddle.
Shh.
Can I refill your trough? I-I, um, I have one.
Thanks, I'll Two, please, maestro.
I'll have another.
I'm impressed with all the studying Dad did.
He has a real mind for Equestranauts trivia.
The most useful skill in the world.
I know, right? How did this get in here? It's non-canonical! It's what? Are you trying to say nautical? Non-canonical! Non-canonical! She's gone crazy! Let's put her down! Dad, call me as soon as you get this! You're in trouble! Non-canonical! Non-canonical! So, great party.
I mean, really good dancing.
Oh, God.
Except for that guy.
You're such an Equestrabully.
It's refreshing.
Sometimes it gets a little too happy in Horse Valley, you know? Sure.
I feel that way, as well, all the time.
Hey, uh, can I ask you something? I know you're the expert around here on Equestranaut stuff.
Oh, well, it's just something I've proven time and time again.
Well, I heard a rumor that there's this really rare Chariot doll with, like, major camel toe.
Do you know if that's true? Oh, it's true.
Course, I'd never seen one myself until Bronconius! Come dance with us! Mmm, Bob, come, let's show them how it's done! Mom, Dad's in danger! Oh, what are you talking about? He's surrounded by men who play with toy ponies.
He's in the least amount of danger possible.
No! When I gave him all the stuff to study, I accidentally put in some of my Equestranaut fan fiction! That means he thinks certain zombie-horse-related things happened that didn't.
And if he says the wrong thing, they'll know he's not an Equesticle! We have to go find him! Tina, I love you, but please don't make me go back there.
It smells bad.
We have to go! Oh, man, this is powerful stuff.
Whew! This is great! Almost as great as when the Equestranauts had a dance party and met that girl from Earth with dark hair and glasses that had three boyfriends.
What? Nothing.
Uh, I feel good! Where are we going? Gentlemen, the after-party.
This looks scary.
I mean, fun.
I like it.
Sunpuddle, no, no, no, no.
That's Bob's seat.
Are you named Bob? Oh.
I was just Bob, come.
Sorry, Sunpuddle.
Oh, he's always doing that to me.
All these Equesticles.
We both know they're weak, pathetic.
I-I don't think that.
Yes, you do.
I do sometimes, yeah.
We're tougher than them.
We don't fear death.
What? That's why we're best friends, Bob.
We're best friends? Are you asking? Because I accept.
And I'm going to let you in on a little mind-blowing Equestra-miracle I've discovered.
You were inquiring about the camel-toed Chariot? Yes, uh, yeah, yeah.
Follow me.
Ugh! Where's Dad? He could blow his cover any second! We got to find that Bronconius guy! But how?! Who wants a ride to Bronconius's party? Oh.
Good.
Mom? Mom? We're following him.
But I want to dance.
Go, girl! Mom! Ooh, ah.
Fine.
You kids never take me dancing! I want to show you something extraordinary.
Oh, my God, this is it.
What? Uh, nothing.
Just that, um, that's a great-looking safe.
Oh.
Uh, thanks? It's the hotel's, but, Bob, feast your eyes upon the rarest Equestranauts ever produced.
The Scottie Pippen Special Edition Headhorn.
Estonian Version Peggy-Sis, Peggy-Stroika.
This thing brought down the wall.
A gold-plated Minnie previously owned by Jon Hamm.
And my greatest treasure of them all the ultra-rare camel-toe Chariot.
Yes! Yes! Oh, God, that's a great collection you have there.
Uh, can I take a look at the Chariot one? Oh, this is more than just a mere collection, Bob.
You see, the Equestranauts are eternally young.
They have a power.
And the rare ones more power still.
But I can harness that power and take youth from them.
Do you know how old I am, Bob? I'm 49, but I look Or 20.
Yes.
Yeah, or younger.
Bob, my best buddy, you could join me.
We could live forever.
All you have to do is merge mouths like this.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, I'm getting younger.
I can feel it.
Can you tell, Bob? Uh, yup, mm-hmm, yup.
Look around the side of the eyes.
You see it? Yeah, yeah, uh, looking good.
Do you still recognize me? Do you? Immortality! Equestranauts never die.
Uh, you know, except for Zombie Horse.
I beg your pardon? Zombie Horse, the fifth Equestranaut.
He died, and then became a zombie.
Zombie Horse.
Why am I telling you? You've seen every episode.
Indeed, I have seen every episode.
Anyhoo, uh, let me plant my lips on that Chariot, uh Why don't we get back to the party? But I-I, you know, I want to I really want to kiss the doll.
Later.
So, you're a real Equesticle, aren't you, Bob? Yeah, of course.
W-Why wouldn't I be? Well, then, Bob, you'll have no problem getting the official unofficial Equesticle "tuh-too.
" Uh, I no.
No.
I Not-not a problem to get a tattoo.
Maybe not, but maybe I would think I would think about it.
Remove your shirt.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, no! What are they doing to my Bobby? I think he was getting a back massage with a needle and men holding him down.
A tattoo! They're tramp-stamping our tramp! How's my best buddy doing? Um, very excited, but I'd sure love to check out those dolls again real quick, and, um, I think I have to pee.
Should I pee now? Right after this.
Um guys, maybe just a little tattoo? How about just a little one? Oh, uh-huh.
Mmm.
Like, really little, like, tiny? Little tiny little one? Yeah, that'd be great.
Mm-hmm.
Sure, Bob.
Sure.
Do this that size.
Bronconius, I-I don't think we should Quiet! Okay, sounds good.
Of course, Bob, if you've never had a tuh-too before, sometimes a really small tuh-too feels like you're getting a big giant tuh-too, but that's just an illusion of the senses.
Oh, God, I wish you would call it "tattoo.
" What am I saying? "Tuh-too.
" It's fine.
Let's just get this over with.
Let me in! It's Tina! The girl whose pony Bronconius stole! Don't tattoo my dad! Counterpoint do tattoo him! Make it say "I love Linda.
" Or give him some more nipples! You can never have enough! Ask a cat.
I knew it! You never were a real Equesticle, and you lied to me.
My best friend! Oh, please! It would go Sunpuddle, then Horseplay, then Pony Danza before you.
Oh, Bob, we could have had everything.
We could have had the whole world to ourselves.
And you threw it all away, and for what? Your daughter?! Um yes.
You're crazy.
Tuh-too him! Stop! Oh, the door was unlocked.
Yeah, it's so we don't have to get up every time someone else arrives.
You, be gone! I'm done with you.
But I'm not done.
Look at what you've all become.
You've betrayed the meaning of the Equestranauts.
And I don't mean the sexually-charged, awkward, confusing vibe at this party.
I like sexually-charged, awkward, confusing things, too.
Like, for instance Tina.
Sorry.
But being an Equesticle means no judgment, right, Horseplay? I mean, you accepted me, and I don't even have testicles.
Bronconius hijacked this thing you all love and tainted it.
He's the real Xandar.
I know who that is.
He's the bad guy.
Hush! Get her out of here! Like, now! The Eqranauts would never turn against a fellow pony.
The Equestranauts have a bond of friendship greater than any force in the universe, and you know that! She's right.
Here, get up.
What?! I'll tuh-too him myself! Mm-mm! Mm-mm! You were never nice to us! You never even took the time to get to know us, and we're all really terrific! Oh, phew.
Put a shirt on! Wait! Dad did get a tattoo! I did? What-what does it look like? Is it is it cool? It's not cool.
No, it's cool sort of.
Someday you will all die, and I will still have the body of a 20-year-old! All right, great, let's open that safe.
Ha! You'll never get into that safe! The combination is based on an Equestranauts reference so obscure that only the smartest, most knowledgeable Equesticle in the world could figure it out! That Equesticle is me.
Front desk? There you go.
Oh, well, that was actually easy.
Thank you.
Chariot, I missed you.
So, good party? So fun.
Okay, well, bye, everyone.
Sunpuddle, I'll call you.
You better.
Hey Tina, you must be enjoying having Chariot ba Hey.
What's going on? I'm packing up Chariot.
What? Why? Oh, I'm just getting a little old to play with dolls, you know? But thanks for getting her back.
Hurray.
Tina What? Play with the doll.
But I'm too old to Tina, play with the doll! Play with the doll, Tina! Come on, do what Daddy says.
Mmm Play with it! Okay! I'll Neigh! Make it jump! Uh, well, the she doesn't actually jump.
I know it doesn't jump! You know how I know that? 'Cause 'Cause I read 1,200 pages of Equestranaut crap! Mmm - Keep playing with it! - Okay.
Good night.
Good night.