Bob's Burgers s05e04 Episode Script

(birds squawking, gobbling) Whoa.
Those are the birds? W-why they making that noise? Hell if I know.
They've been screeching that way for the last eight hours.
Where are they from? They came from a horrible crappy farm, okay? Just sign the form.
I want to get out of here.
Those birds give me the creeps.
Come on, how bad can it be? They're just a bunch of cute little birdies.
They're probably hungry.
Yeah.
Here you go, buddy.
You want some pretzel? (screams) My hand! My hand! Not your beautiful hand! (shrieking) TINA: Whoa.
Look out, everyone.
Dangerous curves ahead.
Turkey trot, looking hot Do you like these pants I got? Ha-ha! Do you? Bob, do you? Yes.
I like them.
They're fine.
I love them.
Wait, wait.
Let me put my belt on.
You sure you got enough water, Mom? Hey, you got to stay hydrated.
Plus, look how little they are! So tiny.
Aw! Ooh, can't wait to get out there.
running with us.
Mm.
It's gonna be like the running of the bulls but cute and safe! Mm-hmm.
And we'll be on the half-priced rides having full-priced fun.
Dad, are you still mad at us for going to the festival? Mad!? No, I'm thrilled! Because you were kind of mad the other day.
What? No, I was I wasn't.
Oh, right! 'Cause that's what Thanksgiving is for, running around with a bunch of birds and going on rides! Well, fine! Go! But you know what? I'm not making dinner! He's taking this pretty well.
No, you're crying! I just calmly said that if you all go to Fischoeder's dumb festival instead of spending the day here, I will not be making dinner.
Day off for old Bob.
No big deal.
No big deal! The turkey baster is in the drawer, probably pretty happy not to work, and so am I.
All right, come on.
Don't want to be late for the Turk-tacular Turkey Town Festival and Turkey Trot.
(kids cheer) (whoops) Fine! You all go have a Turk-tacular time.
So, we'll bring home some Chinese food? Yup! Or whatever you want for Thanks I mean, regular dinner.
Okay, don't start a brothel while we're gone.
Just kidding, you can.
And no making a fort out of the couch cushions.
Just kidding, you can.
But don't turn that fort into a brothel.
Just kidding, you can.
Oh, my God, just I mean, it's illegal, but I know.
Just leave.
Nice stems! Thank you.
I'm wearing hose to compress my varicose veins.
Teddy! I didn't know you were gonna run.
Oh, I'll probably walk.
I just wanted to see the turkeys.
I worked on a turkey ranch one summer, when I was 14.
I learned a lot about life.
And a lot about turkey feces.
Sounds like a magical summer, Teddy.
Now let's hit the rides! We're not gonna get whiplash just standing here! Good luck, Mom.
Bob at home, cooking away? Nah.
He's boycotting Thanksgiving this year.
(gasps) What? Yeah.
But Bob loves Thanksgiving.
I know.
He's mad that we all wanted to come here instead of sitting around on the couch all day, waiting for food.
Poor Bob.
What a tragedy.
Well, the real tragedy is that I don't have time to get nachos before we start.
You know what? Maybe I do.
So, I say we start on the Scramble Pan and work our way back through Violent Mountain and then the Bruise Cruise.
I wouldn't mind a trip on the Tickle Boat.
But, Gene, they closed it, remember? That guy died.
Oh, right.
But what a way to go! Yeah.
Scramble Pan it is! This is great? Not celebrating Thanksgiving is kind of great.
I like it.
I'm alone.
I can do whatever I want.
I could sit in my not-usual spot on the couch.
I could even cross my legs, and no one would make fun of me.
Felix? Yes? Have all the turkeys been fed? We aren't going to have a repeat of the unfortunate finger nibbling incident? No, Calvin.
The turkeys are fine.
And the chickens.
And the ducks.
And the geese.
"Geese"? You were supposed to get You had one thing to do! - One! - I tried! Turkeys are scarce right now, for some reason! Oh, I wonder why that could be! Oh, I'm sorry I let you down again by buying a bunch of dangerous birds that (amplified): (gasps) Oh, my God! The mic is on.
- Hi! - Oh, ho! I hope you all enjoyed those Thanksgiving jokes we were just making.
(both laugh uncomfortably) A little light Thanksgiving humor.
Oh, I love humor.
I do love to laugh! Now, on behalf of myself and my brother Calvin, we'd like to welcome you all to the first annual Turk-tacular Turkey Town Festival! All right! Is everybody ready for some poultry in motion? (gobbling) Those birds don't sound right.
Hey, Regular Sized Rudy.
I didn't know you were a scramblin' man.
I'm not usually, but since my parents are divorced, I gotta have two dinners, so I'm trying to make myself throw up breakfast.
One time I had two dinners because Ollie was too sick to eat his.
I had malaria! Let's quit yakkin' and get crackin'! Mickey, come on, let's do this! Set it to maximum! Okay, hold onto your heads like this so your necks won't break! And now, the beginning of a new Thanksgiving tradition that's fun for the whole family.
The Running of the Turkeys etcetera.
On your mark get set go! (gobbling) (crowd clamoring) (laughing) Ow! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Linda! Run! Run! Run! (woman screams) Oh.
Oh (runners screaming, clamoring) Pretty good, pretty good.
I'll try right over left now.
Mm, yup, yup.
Also good.
(runners yelling, clamoring) (man screams, chicken squawks) Oh, ah, no! Birds! Birds! Birds! Birds! Excuse me! Excuse me! Make way, make way! Sorry.
Hey Coming through! Here we go, pardon us.
(panting) Oh! (squawking) (Linda grunting) (yelling) (groans) What? What happened? Aah! I'm short and wiggly! Ooh! I'm tall and wiggly.
Oh, oh, it's a fun mirror.
It's a fun mirror.
Aah! Linda! Aah! Linda, it's me, Teddy! From your town! Teddy? Wha-What's going on, Teddy? How did I get in here? When the birds attacked, most people got away, but you got knocked out by this freaky one-eyed cyclops turkey.
So I picked you up and carried you here.
- Whoa! How long have I been out? - A lot's changed.
We don't have to start repopulating the Earth yet, but eventually we might have to do just that.
- I don't know - Teddy! How long have I been in here? - Five, maybe six minutes.
- Oh.
Oh, my God, the kids! Where are the kids?! But I'm a vegan! Aah! LOUISE: Ugh! I can't believe Mickey left us here! Those birds are getting awfully close.
I hope they don't have tickets for this ride! We got to get off this thing.
Andy, Ollie, you seem like you're up for a challenge of getting off the ride and shutting it down.
We'll try anything.
Yeah! I tried shrimp at my aunt's house! Great.
Go get 'em! (both grunting) Oh, what happened? We travelled through time! I guess I'll give it a whirl.
Literally.
(grunting) whoa! Hey.
Welcome back.
We're gonna die like we were born.
Spinning around in an egg! That really makes you think.
This is great.
Don't have to keep getting up to baste.
Baste not, want not.
You get it? Yes.
I don't have to storm the Baste-ille.
Eh.
Get it? Kind of.
It was a prison in France.
The Bastille, and I said "Baste-ille.
" Oh.
I'm here live at the wharf where today's Turkey Trot turned into turkey terror.
What exactly happened in there today? I assure you it wasn't that bad, really.
I mean, people overreacted, that's all.
Those birds went crazy, man! They tried to kill us! (grunting) Hey! That man is clearly insane.
You saw his outfit! So, you closed the gates to keep the birds in? That's right.
Their wings are clipped.
Mm-hmm.
That means that they're contained.
But what about the people? Was anyone left inside? No, that would be a PR nightmare.
Which we are not having today.
No, thank you.
No, today was nothing less than a total success.
There's your headline! Yes.
Write that down.
We're on live television.
Then make it into a graphic.
A fun one that spins in.
(whooshing) Total success! - Yeah.
- We'll get right on that.
Okay.
Well, that went well.
Yes.
I think it did, too.
Should we go home for dinner? - Yes, I am starving.
- Yeah.
Did everyone get out, by the way? - Uh no.
No, no.
- Ooh.
I mean, they were screaming when I closed the gates, so I don't think so.
(laughs) But who's gonna believe them, right? Oh, ooh, we're still recording! - Oh, dear Lord! - Well, look at that.
- Yep.
- Happened twice now.
Oh well.
Look at 'em.
Where'd they come from, poultry prison? Yeah, this is bad.
Their pecking order's all messed up.
What? "Pecking order"? What are you talking about? Every turkey group has one guy who can peck everyone, then the guy below him who can peck everyone except for the top guy, and so on until the sad sack who can't peck anyone.
Oh, that's terrible-- it's like the ladies on The View.
Yeah, with all these birds and people mixed in, they don't know what to do.
They're pecking everything! It's chaos! Well, we still got to go find the kids.
Let's just tiptoe past them.
Ready? Ready.
(both yelling, turkeys gobbling) Run! (both grunting, panting) It's him-- Cyclops! That's the one who knocked you down earlier.
Oh, God, he hates me! (gasps) Oh, my God! - I know what's happening! - What? We rejected Thanksgiving and now it's attacking us! That's crazy, Lin-- these turkeys are just all mixed up.
They were keeping them with other birds.
It's biology, not hocus pocus.
Oh, I love that movie! Oh, how are we ever gonna find the kids? MICKEY (over P.
A.
): They're on the Scramble Pan.
Oh, my God! The birds have learned to talk! No, no! - It's me, Mickey.
- Mickey? Mickey?! The kids are on the Scramble Pan? What? I-I can't hear you.
- I said the - Turn on your microphone.
- What? - Here.
(amplified over P.
A.
): Uh, da.
My kids are on the Scramble Pan? Yeah, I, uh, saw them.
As I was leaving them there, and, uh, running over here to hide.
You abandoned my kids? Eh sort of.
But, uh, you know, they're safer on the ride, so I kind of did the right thing, if-if you think about it! (gobbling, squawking) Oh, man.
You can only eat an animal for so long.
It's the turkeys time to rule the Earth now.
We had our chance and we blew it.
No, it's the pecking order! It's the spirit of Thanksgiving! - That's crazy talk! - Don't call me crazy.
- That's not crazy talk.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys! - I didn't say you were crazy.
- We got to stop fighting! We're turning on each other.
This is exactly what they want! We gotta get the kids, Mickey.
You gotta come with us.
We need your help to turn off the ride.
I would love to do that, Linda.
But I'm actually really comfortable here, hiding in these stuffed animals.
I just feel safe with these guys, I'm sorry.
- That looks nice.
- Oh! That gives me an idea! Mickey, we're coming over! Hey, daytime whiskey.
Want to meet my CD collection? I feel like you guys would hit it off.
Donna Summer? It's Summer time.
(slow, sultry pop intro plays) DONNA SUMMER: Dim all the lights, sweet darling 'Cause tonight it's all the way Hey, baby Turn up the old Victrola Gonna dance the night away Gene, Tina, Louise! Hey, wait, is that Mom? Yes! She said my name first! Mom! Help! - All right, Mickey, turn it off.
- Can do.
Oh, shoot-- I threw the key into the ocean.
- You what? - I didn't want the birds to get it.
We can't let this technology fall into their hands.
Is there another way to turn it off? Wait! There's a drunk operator override switch on the ride! - What?! - MICKEY: All the rides in the park have them.
In case the operator gets drunk and goes on the ride, leaving no one to turn it off.
Oh, smart.
Okay, here I go.
Just like turning off a bicycle.
Oh, God, I'm gonna barf.
Guys, I can do this.
Oh, God.
So dizzy.
Oh, God, this is bad.
Aah So nauseous! Whoa Seriously?! We've been on this thing for a freaking hour, and no one's barfed.
Gene even had a snack.
Looks like it's up to Mama.
(Linda retches) Holy moly, this thing cannot be safe for children.
But you adults seem to be doing really well with it! If only I had something to throw at the switch.
Oh, my God.
My water babies.
(gags) Good-bye, baby bottle.
Little Karen.
LINDA: Okay, no problem.
I-I got nine more.
Okay, this is the last one.
Little Timmy, you were always my favorite.
Please let someone else do it.
I can do it! (buzzes) - Yay! - Nice! Way to go, Rudy! Rudy-- one, asthma-- zer (gasps) Are you okay, my babies? Yep, I'm probably always gonna move in little circles like this, though.
Uh-oh.
Looks like we've got company.
Bad company.
And not the band! Probably.
(gobbling, squawking) (siren wailing) Everyone relax, we're here.
Those birds are crazy-- look what one of them did to my nightstick.
Please step aside.
Let us take care of this, all right? Who's in control? - Animal Control! - Animal Control! Open 'em up! (screaming) DONNA SUMMERS: It's all the way BOB (singing along): Oh, baby Turn on that old Victrola Gonna dance the night-- it's so bright Okay, here we go! (siren whoops) LINDA: Oh, God, we're surrounded.
REGULAR SIZED RUDY: Who wants to be in charge of my epi-pen? I'm allergic to geese and ducks! I will not invite you to my duck-duck-goose party, then.
Understood.
(whooping, hollering) LINDA: Teddy, what are you doing? I'm whooping and hollering.
This is how I used to get the turkeys to follow me on the farm.
(whoops) Save yourselves.
(hollers) Honor my memory, Linda! - Remember my name! - Teddy! Don't try to stop me, Louise.
I just remembered your name, it's Teddy! Right.
I'll never forget his incredible legs.
They looked like hotdogs.
We have to get to the front gate.
Help must be there by now.
Whew! Great dancing, Bob.
Time to reward myself with some beer.
Oh, hello, uh, turkey baster.
How-how-how are you? Good, good.
Uh, yeah, good.
I-I-I'm doing really good.
Yeah.
That's funny, I was just, uh I was, I was just talking about you.
Uh, well, uh It was good to see you.
I-I should get back to Yeah, it was (chuckles) It was nice to see you.
You look great.
(grunts) What? I-I I-I-I see you, okay? You-You've made your point.
Fine.
(chuckles) Is this what you want? A-Are you happy now? Yeah, yeah? That good? Do you want it to come out? You want to do this right now? You want to do this right now? That's a cl that's classic.
That's classic you, turkey baster! Classic you.
Not fitting in the drawer.
Deliberately not! (laughs) That's great.
Oh, come on.
Don't look at me like that, turkey baster.
Don't look at me like that.
I I didn't want this! You think I wanted this?! But I didn't! I didn't.
This isn't what I wanted.
I-I never wanted to be apart from you.
It was all an act.
It was it was a lie.
(sniffles) Oh, God.
That's so much snot.
(sniffles) You know what? I'm gonna do it.
You're right, turkey baster.
I'm Bob.
I make dinner.
It's not too late.
The grocery store's open for another hour.
We can still do this! Let's go! Let's go! Get up! Get I can't get Oh, my God! I (straining) Let's get up, drunk! I am dizzy! I'm really dizzy.
Oh, my God.
I gotta sit down.
Give us give us a minute.
COP: Please remain indoors.
(siren whooping) I repeat, there's been a poultry-based disturbance.
Please remain indoors.
Poultry! Oh, come on! Everyone, get behind there.
(moans) There's no one here.
No one came for us.
(moans) No one even cared.
(moans) We're all gonna die here.
We're all gonna die.
(gibbers) - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
Well, I've decided to go join the birds.
I eat lots of bread already, and I'm tired of fighting.
Good-bye.
I'll miss you, but I understand.
(motor rumbles) What is that? I know that sound.
Wait a minute It can't be.
It is.
The old Tickle Boat.
I hope you guys aren't ticklish.
Because of the boat Tickle Boat.
Son of a bitch.
I was thinking of that line the whole way here.
Pretty good, right? Pretty good.
Hey, can we get in? LINDA: We're coming, Bobby.
(chickens clucking) "Went to store real quick.
Love forever, Bob.
" That's a perfectly good note.
That doesn't sound drunk at all.
LINDA: We're almost there.
Hey, look-- I'm giving those birds the bird.
(laughs) Mom, Mom, can we do it, too? Uh, yes.
Just today, 'cause it's a holiday.
Like this.
(grunts) (cheering) LINDA: Up, up, higher, higher.
Whoa LOUISE: Oh, I feel it.
It's so insulting.
Never do that again.
(humming casually) (turkeys gobbling) This is fun, the two of us.
We should go on more walks.
(horn honking) Happy Thanksgiving friendly guy.
(man shouting) Hey, careful.
I think that guy was drunk.
Hello? Huh, that's weird.
Okay, just gotta grab every single thing for dinner.
That's no problem.
(turkeys gobbling in distance) Bye, Andy.
Bye, Ollie.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Go, go, go, go, go! I'm thankful that you saved Ollie's life.
I'm thankful you saved Andy's life.
Now, get out of here! LINDA: Bob? Bobby, we're home! We're sorry! We didn't mean to leave you all alone - on such a big - TINA: Dad? If you're hiding, that's fun.
He's not hiding.
Aw, giblets.
We're going to get Daddy at the store.
Rudy, honey, are you sure you don't want us to drop you off at home? I'm going with you.
I kind of want to see how this one ends.
(inhales) Oh, sweet Rudy.
You probably won't live to see the end.
Oh.
There you are.
The one that almost got away.
Hello.
Oh, whoa.
You're an actual turkey.
That's standing there.
And you have only one eye.
Not that that's bad.
He-he was like this when I found him.
'Cause it's a grocery store.
W-What are you doing here? (whispering): Okay, everyone follow me.
(Tina moans nervously) (Bob screaming) - Dad! - Run! Run! Oh, my God, it's Cyclops! (Teddy shuddering) What the hell is happening?! We didn't do Thanksgiving right, and we didn't listen to you, and now Thanksgiving's attacking us! - That makes sense.
- No, it's biological! No it's the beginning of a turkey revolution, Bob.
We got to pick sides.
Ow! He pecked me! Holy crap, that hurts.
(nervous moaning) Oh, God.
The final "peckoning.
" Pecked! That's it-- pecked.
I think Teddy was right! - I was? - And I know what to do.
- You do? - Teddy was right?! (grunts) Ow! Lin, what are you doing?! I'm getting to the top of the pecking order.
Linda, you're a genius.
- Right? - Ow! Damn it.
Son of a bitch.
- Ow.
- Oh! Aah! (yells, grunts) Whoa, did that actually work? Stand back, let's see.
(gasps) I'm the alpha turkey.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Go stuff each other.
To the Tickle Boat! Wait, the Tickle Boat that killed that guy? Yeah.
Let's go.
Go, go, go, go.
- Come on, go.
- All right.
Move, move, move, out, out, go, go, go.
BOB: Well, everyone, here's to us.
We've been through so much in the last here's to us.
Wait, stop, wait, wait.
Uh-huh.
I want to say: Here is to Bob on his favorite day.
Bob! Yes! LOUISE: Bob! - Yay, great.
- Yes! - Thank you.
- Yes! And here's to Linda, queen of the turkeys.
She really knows how to peck people.
- Yay! - Aw - Hear, hear.
Queen of the Peckers.
- Aw - Nice.
And speaking of turkey-- who wants some? Wait, no one wants turkey? - Not so much.
- I just don't think it's appropriate.
Probably never ever again.
I can still smell 'em, Bob.
They're inside my mind nose.
- I'll make spaghetti.
- Yeah! I can't have pasta, but I'll eat a bowl of sauce.
I'll make sauce.
Fine, I'm putting on Donna Summer, though.
Who's Donna Summer? Oh, Rudy, you are gonna love her.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Well, Felix, should we do the wishbone? Yes, I guess we shou (clattering) - What was that? - What was what? Come do the wishbone.
Come, come on.
No, no, no.
I heard something outside.
You didn't hear that? What was that? Come I wish you would come do the wishbone.
All right I guess I win.
(screaming) There's been a change Inside my life And I just wanna let you know I've got my finger on the trigger Love is in control Yeah, ho! I've got my finger on the trigger I ain't lettin' go Mama used to tell me Girl, you better load your gun up right She said, "You, you gotta come out smokin' Hit it with your best shot every time