Breaking In (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

What's up, my muggle? Hey, I got something for you.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doin'? Oh, me and my boy-- We're gonna get together this weekend and have a "Harry Potter"-thon.
We're gonna kick back, pound down some butterbeers, watch Hermione blossom into wizardhood, but not in a creepy way.
I have no idea what you just said, but how about we grab some real beers and watch the Laker game? No, well, that's cool, man.
I don't have a dad.
Maybe some other time.
Lose yourself, baby.
Lose yourself.
Just you and me.
And me.
Here's the specs you wanted, Mel.
Oh, jeez.
Sorry.
I gotta get back to work.
Baby, that was crazy good, though.
Yeah? Yeah.
You know what's crazy gooder? This sweet j-o-b.
I mean, now that we work together, it's like we're being paid to hang out 24/siete.
If you need me, I'll be right in here.
Sweet, thoughtful bastard.
And it sucks for you, 'cause he's the best boyfriend ever.
Yet there he is, tongue-holing a doughnut.
Oh, God.
Okay, down to business.
This weekend is Comic-Con, and we've been hired by a Hollywood movie studio to protect a film they're going to screen for 100 lucky virgins.
It's the sequel to some '80s movie called "The Goobers" or something.
"The Goonies"? You have "Goonies 2: The Legend of Sloth" here in our office? Mm.
Nerdgasm.
All right, listen up.
This exclusive screening has created quite the backlash, and the studio's been receiving a lot of angry threats from fanboys vowing to steal it because they feel excluded.
Isn't it just a kids' movie? Kids' movie? It's the geek Holy Grail.
Truffle shuffle, baby.
What are you doing? Why are you l-- I have no idea what that means, but I know your jobs are to ensure safe delivery of this film.
My job is to tan your hides if you fail.
Now the fans are rabid and mobilized.
They have vowed to steal the movie, so you've gotta protect it at all costs.
We have to be discreet.
Now this DVD is heavily encrypted.
It can't be copied, but we can't be too safe.
Melanie, I need you to design a secure transport case for this DVD.
Maybe secure it with a bra clasp so the nerds can't get into it.
Dutch-down! Josh, we're gonna need you in one of your disguises so you can be our eyes and ears on the Comic-Con floor.
And no, I will not pay for a Batmobile.
Ooh! Okay, now me.
Now me.
What's my job? Your job is gonna be in the van with me, monitoring security feed.
Cameron, your job is gonna be to hand-deliver the film, stay there until they finish the screening, then return it here to contra safely.
What?! Why does Cam get the best job ever? I mean, the Con is my world! I'm an expert at this.
I even self-published my own superhero comic.
Yes, we all know about Black Zeus-- Rapper by day, secret agent by night.
Who raps during the day? You are too close to this.
It's like my daddy always said-- Don't give the pill popper keys to the pharmacy.
He was a pill popper and a pharmacist.
Do we, uh, at least get to watch it? Yes, in the theaters, with everyone else.
Now hand over the DVD you just swiped.
Three years of Magic Camp for nothin'! Well, not really for nothin'.
I made a lot of lifelong friends.
Hey, what the hell was that? What? You didn't have my back in there with Oz.
I mean, we're boys.
We share jobs, kidneys, superlong noodles, "Lady and the Tramp" style.
I think you're very confused right now.
I am, 'cause our boss is the most unfair man on the planet.
I hate to say it, but I kind of agree with him.
What? You know this is important to me.
"Goonies" is my thing.
I mean, you haven't even seen the movie.
Name one Goonie.
Gary Goonie.
Gary Goonie? Gary Goonie?! Are you serious?! That right there is probably why I'm the best man for the job.
It's just a movie.
I'm telling you, as a friend, you gotta get a grip.
You get a grip! Okay, you're not my friend.
You're my worst enemy, man.
I'm outta here! I can't believe this! No! I can't believe it.
Gary Goonie.
I can't believe he said-- Really?! Here's your Gary Goonie.
Here it is! Gary Goonie! Cash.
Ca-- Gary Goonie?! You're dead to me! Hey.
You're here early.
Hey.
Just trying to squeeze in a little me time before-- There she is! Why didn't you wake me up, Boo? I was gonna make us some brekkie.
It's egg white Wednesday.
Come on.
We'll read each other some comics.
Yay.
Come on.
Whoo-hoo! A cup of Joe, toots? Oh.
Thanks.
Coffee is for winners.
And guess whose cover got blown.
Ours.
The fanboys have all been tipped off, and they'll be gunning for us.
Our faces are everywhere.
Well, your faces.
It's virtually impossible to capture my likeness on camera-- An old trick I learned from a Zulu shaman named That explains the pictures from the company picnic.
Tell me-- How are things going with Cash? I know he wasn't too happy with either of us.
Well, apparently my best friend took the train to crazy town and is now my sworn enemy.
Well, this job is very, very important, so you two lovebirds better work it out, or I'm gonna be forced to work it out for you, and my version involves a car battery clamped to a certain body part.
I'll give you a hint.
It rhymes with "mesticles.
" Hello? Hello? What the What? It's got my ass! It's got my ass! What? You done? Yes, I'm done.
You.
It's only just begun.
Unless you tell Oz to give me your job.
Hell, no.
You want a prank war? You got one.
I'm gonna own you.
Pranking is my thing, bitch.
Well, you're about to get beat at your own thing, bitch.
Saying "bitch" is my thing, bitch.
You can't have two things, bitch.
Well, I do.
Game, set, Cash.
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.
Can I help you? We saw your post all over hedo.
com.
We're here for the All Night Bang-athon.
And the rippin' and the tearin'.
The rippin' and the tearin'.
I'm tearin' off my clothes! Owned.
Dude, I live with my mom, man.
I mean, she had her church group over.
I had to join the prayer circle.
Stuff went down.
It was, like, this whole thing.
So we even? We will be once those boner pills I put in your coffee kick in.
No.
I think I would've seen you do that.
Sleight of hand.
Magic Camp.
Sucka! Move! What? I need to get under your desk.
No! No, no, no, no.
Any time but now.
Yo, melon balls! Where are you, girl? Cam, what's up? Hey, I just saw a midget driving a car.
Genius! Offensive.
She gets it.
Say, you seen my old lady? No.
No, no, no.
Well, if you do, you tell her I'm in the garage, working on the van.
I put some shag down in the back so me and Mel can put some shag down in the back.
Bump! Rebump.
Bump-fecta.
Please go.
You betcha.
This isn't from you.
It's from Cash.
Okay.
Sweetie.
Ownage.
Oh, baby's gonna tell on me.
Baby's gonna tell on me, is he? Please don't tell on me.
Oz, I've had enough.
Ever since we got this case, Cash has been acting insane.
Watch.
Gary Goonie.
Gary Goonie.
I'll kill you.
See, I can't work with this guy.
Well, if that's how you feel, Cash, you are off the case.
What? Wait.
I can't even sit in the van when we're at Comic-Con? We don't need two people in there.
Stay here.
Man the office.
Looks like you won, man.
Congrats.
Hope it feels good.
You are sporting a wicked-- Yes.
Save that excitement for Comic-Con.
Let's go.
All right, ladies, look alive.
Cambo, the DVD is stashed in your cart.
Roger that.
I'm heading in.
Josh, you're my eyes and ears out there.
You see anything weird? Um, you mean besides everything? Yeah, I'm talking about the movie.
Any chatter? Goonies! Well, hall "A" is completely surrounded with angry goonheads trying to get into that screening.
We're gonna have to watch our step in here.
Give us "Goonies," or give us death! Yeah! Melanie, where you at with the security feed? Patching in now.
'Sup, gorgeous? Check out what I got.
Boom! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the van.
Yeah, Oz has got it under control.
I thought I'd keep you company.
Still not patched in, Mel.
Shake a leg.
Yeah, I'm handling it.
Whoa.
What's with the peanuts? You know I'm crazy allergic.
I know.
You're not supposed to be here.
Today, peaches! I'm handling it.
Look, this is my cover, and you're blowing it.
Will you just--just give me some space for once, please? What--what are you trying to say? She's saying back off, bro.
Trust me.
I know women.
Hey, I'm Jared.
You know what, Mel? Gobble all the peanuts you want.
Jam your mouth full of peanuts.
Rub peanuts all over yourself for all I care.
Later, Thor.
Dutch! Thank you.
About time.
All right, Cammy, screening room is 80 yards to your northeast.
Look alive, people.
There's been an Adam West sighting.
A bunch of caped nerds are headed your way.
Okay, calm down! Jeez, guys, it's just Adam West.
Calm down! Okay, I'm at the door of the screening room now.
Looks like you're all clear.
Bring it on home.
Oh, no.
Cameron, where's that DVD? Oh, no.
Warming up the car battery.
I've got a $100 million movie lost, the studio freaking out, and this company's reputation-- my reputation--on the line.
I know.
Whoever stole the DVD is on that security footage.
I'm gonna look over every inch of it.
You better or you're gonna start looking for another job.
Make like a pair of ta-tas and bounce.
Okay.
Dude, what the-- Do you know what time it is? My mom has to be at the courthouse at 6:00.
Oh.
Why does she have to go to court? 'Cause she's the judge, racist.
Look, I spent the last five hours going through security footage, and you won't believe what I found You.
I don't recall Oz asking you to be there.
Well, I was, as a registered guest, 'cause my ex-best friend got me kicked off the job.
So this was your plan to get back at me? 'Cause from where I'm standing, it sure looks like another one of your pranks.
Are you implying that I stole the movie? I'm without a doubt saying you stole the movie.
What makes you think I would do something like that? Now hand over the DVD you just swiped.
Gary Goonie.
Gary Goonie.
I'll kill you.
But you know what'd be awesome? Stealing that movie.
Listen, I may be mad at you, but I'm not gonna sabotage my own team.
Look me in the eyes.
Tell me you believe I did not steal that movie.
Sorry, Cash.
Not buying it.
Dude, you're a crappy friend, man.
And to think, I invited you to watch "Harry Potter" 'cause I thought you were my Ron Weasley.
But it turns out you're nothing more than a professor Snape! No idea what any of that means.
That means get out of my house.
Garage.
It has a mini fridge and a front door.
Makes it a house.
Oh, yeah.
No, totally.
Ooh! Really? Garage.
Good morning.
Dude, why are you still wearing that? Actually, never took it off.
Met a smurf at Comic-Con, and I smurfed the smurf out of her, all smurf long.
Well, I'm so happy you had a great night.
Me? Not so much.
Hey, babe.
I'm sorry about that.
I was just grabbing a quick What are you doing? Where have you been? I hand-rolled the Sushi myself! It was supposed to be a peace offering served on my rock-hard abs.
All this unagi ruined! He makes you breakfast and dinner? Wow.
He really is a good boyfriend.
Smurf off.
Hey, Cam.
I was just thinking about you.
Okay, before you give me a jump, you should know I think I found out who stole the DVD.
Cash.
Yes, I spoke to him this morning.
Now while I appreciate the enthusiasm, accusing your friend of grand larceny is sort of a dick move, if you ask me.
All right, but you--you saw that Cash was at Comic-Con.
You saw the footage, right? Yes, the only difference is I watched all of it.
You were so excited that Cash was at the Con, you got conned yourself.
There.
Right there in the nerd stampede for Adam West, that's where the mutant turtle struck.
You know where Cash was during all this? Sharing a funnel cake with what appears to be a Norse God who's eating his feelings.
Oh, my God.
Cash was right.
That's the good news.
The bad news is our thief made a web site that went live this morning.
In eight hours, he promises to upload the stolen movie for the world to see.
Now if we don't track this guy, the studio's holding us responsible.
So how are we going to fix this? We can't, but I know who can.
Can I get everyone's attention, please? Last night, I accused a good friend of something he didn't do.
Truth is, I hacked my way into college, where I hid out for the last seven years.
I was fine with not having any real friends, and being so set in my ways has caused me to hurt someone I really care about.
And for that I'm sorry.
Look, we have five hours to get this movie back, and that may seem impossible, but not for us.
All right, this is our time! It's our time in here, and you know why? Because goonies never say "Die.
" You watched the movie? Does this answer your question? No.
Don't Don't do that unless you mean it.
Truffle shuffle, baby.
That was beautiful.
All right, buddy.
There's only one person who can get inside the mind of the geek who stole this movie.
This seems like a job for Black Zeus.
The Zeus is loose.
That's his catchphrase.
All right, so I've gamed up every possible situation, and this is what I've come up with.
Our thief is feeling pretty cool that he's seen something that no one else has, but what would any geek want to see more than a "Goonies" sequel? Only two things-- "Megan Fox Warrior Princess.
" So we give 'em both-- Megan Fox as Xena.
The perfect storm.
What if there was a pirated rough cut of a Xena movie that no one knew about, and we were willing to trade? No nerd alive would ever turn that down.
But where are we gonna find someone who looks like Megan Fox? Oh.
Damn it.
Fine.
Where are you gonna find a Xena costume on such-- Damn it.
And action.
I know you guys are fighting.
Mel, you're feeling smothered, but you guys gotta lock lips.
Come on, guys.
We need this.
Grab Hercules in your arms And kiss him like your life depended on it.
I mean, you just look so ridiculous.
Yeah? Yeah, and you look hot.
Baby, I'm an idiot.
I know, but I love you anyway.
All right, I think we got it.
I think we got it.
Let's cut.
No, let the scene play.
Everybody, out! Get out! Out now! Go! Sparta! Okay, our thief really knows what he's doing.
His goonileaks web site is untraceable.
But he's been all over the message boards, bragging about his conquest.
That's how we'll trap him.
Did our little fishy take the bait? Oh, yeah.
All right.
Van's gassed up.
Let's do this.
Dude, what is wrong with your face? What's right with yours? Oh, my God.
Baby, the Xena kiss.
I forgot about your peanut allergy.
Let me see.
Hey.
I regret nothing.
Oh.
All right, Black Zeus, eyes open.
He's out there.
Everyone in position? Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Target acquired.
You got a tortoise on your tail.
Don't be a hero, Cash.
I'm gonna have turtle soup tonight.
Okay.
On three, we trade.
Come on.
Hey.
Wait your turn.
One, two Got a broken arrow.
Go, go, go, go.
Hey, you guys! That doesn't sound anything like Sloth.
This guy sucks! Go, go, go, go, go! Move! Move! Where is he? Where? Well, he shed his shell.
He could be anyone here, damn it.
He got away with both DVDs.
Oh, did he? Sleight of hand.
Magic Camp, suckas.
Three, two, one.
Yeah! And the countdown is over.
We have the movie.
Nice work, people.
And I just got off the horn with the studio.
Not only did you rescue their film from a mutant fanboy, but you garnered them a ton of free publicity.
If I had a tail, I'd be wagging it.
Cheers! Cheers! All right! Hey, uh, you, uh, wanna hang tonight? Maybe grab a beer, watch the Laker game? No, I was thinking more along the lines of "Harry Potter"-thon.
You in? I'm in like Slytherin.
All right.
Warlocks, abracadabra, that kid from I don't know.
You're trying.
That's good.