Breaking In (2011) s02e11 Episode Script

Well, it's happening.
Oz sold the company, and now we're gonna be a bunch of corporate bitches.
Pfft.
Cash don't work for the man, unless it's Aquaman, 'cause he rides a seahorse.
You know they're untameable, right? Fear not, my little lamb chops.
I know you're all concerned 'cause we're seemingly under "new management," but hear my words, nothing is going to change.
Yes, there will be changes.
Great ones! Molly! Okay.
In your handbooks, you'll find a list of all the pertinent OCP perks Get ready.
Two weeks' paid vacation How could that be? Travel coupons Traveling? What? Not 6! Yearly bonuses I don't think Aquaman gave yearly bonuses.
And finally, I give you Ricky Let me do it.
The Java-nator! Oh, my God.
This bitch makes coffee! This is literally, like, the only good thing that's ever happened to me.
My psychic was right! Today everything changes! Shall I pour you a cup? Oh, no, thank you, sir.
I'm a decaf gal myself.
Caffeine makes me a little, "Aah!" crazy, if you can imagine such a thing.
No.
Wow, that, uh, that thing looks like it's getting a little long in the tooth.
Yeah, I've had this baby since I opened this company.
She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts.
And so the dance begins.
We got your back Well, the, uh, transition seems to be going smoothly.
Oh, yes.
Smooth as a Ken doll.
I've made the rounds and have already gotten to know everybody.
What brought you to Contra? You did.
I'm your nephew.
Your sister Jan's my mom? Oh, my Remember when she got knocked up by that loser from the cannery? Oh, my God.
Whatever happened to that guy? He's still my father.
How could they not love us after we buttered them up with all those perks? Yeah, just give 'em all the perks first MMmm-hmm.
You know, like little spoonfuls of sugar, and, uh, well, you know what the queen of England says, "They make the medicine go down.
" Uh, no, that was actually So that was the sugar part.
Never mind.
MMmm-hmm.
And now the salt.
The salt.
We take away everything they love.
Yeah, well, it's a necessary evil.
So, where should we start? Well, in every horror movie, you know who always gets it first.
What's up? Listen, quick question.
Uh, what's with the skirt? It's battle dress.
I'm Perseus Yeah.
son of Zeus.
'Course.
You know, lover of women.
So it's not some sort of religious garb that I have to be tolerant of? It's from Clash of the Titans.
Today's casual Friday.
But perhaps a little too casual.
Just a little bit.
May we suggest trousers Yeah.
made of fabric? You see, OCP has a very strict dress code, and defying it is grounds for termination.
Like Terminator termination? If it were up to me, we would be wearing tube tops and butt-less chaps every day, but, you know, dumb, old rules.
Gotcha.
Couldn't help but overhear.
Totally respect the rules, but casual Friday is sort of a Contra tradition.
Totally, but you're OCP now, and, uh, they don't like gladiators.
Ah, look, I totally see where you're coming from.
Yeah, well, okay, good.
Keeping the kids happy is where I'm coming from.
Totally respect that, and that is why I am giving this young boy the corporate card so that he can go bananas at the Republic and buy himself some chinos and a plaid belt.
Totally appreciate that gesture, but he's gonna take my card and buy himself an even tinier tunic.
I don't know what to do! It's casual Friday! What do you want from me? You see, you're new.
Now Cash is the kind of genius that needs to be embraced and nurtured.
The force is strong with me.
Oh, these magnets help.
Oh! I certainly don't want to Contradict OCP, but I think it's best if we let his geek flag fly.
What do you say? Listen, um, I love a good costume, if you know you what I mean.
Mmm.
But there are rules.
I mean, you don't see me wandering around in my Catwoman pleathers, although I would much rather be wearing those right now.
Meow.
Wha What the I thought I took that thing out behind the shed and shot it! Ah, I figured, if it ain't broke, why change it? Okay, Oswald.
I am not gonna argue with you over a coffee maker.
Good.
I mean, I think we're much bigger people than that.
Let's just Why don't we let the office choose? Cam! Are you crazy? Whoa, dude.
You chose a coffee? Whose side did you pick? The short line.
It's coffee.
Who cares? Oz and Ronnie! For the love of Zeus, don't you see what's going on? What? Look! There's a war brewing between the office gods, and us mortals are caught in between.
It's The Clash of the Titans.
It's always some nerd thing with you, huh? Yo, Cameron.
Veronica wants to see you.
Hey, Veronica.
You wanted to see me? Cameron.
Yeah.
Come in.
Come sit.
Wanted to have a little private powwow.
Shh.
Oh.
Uh, okay.
You want me to close the door? No, I have to leave it open, "legally.
" You know, the old sexual harassment thing.
Right, yes.
It's kind of a lawsuit-ish situation for me.
It's a whole "He said, he said "He said, she said" kind of a thing.
Wow.
That's a lot.
Mmm-hmm.
You know whose junk I've been checking out lately? I don't need to Boop.
Yeah.
Uh-oh, better call my sponsor.
So sue me.
No, don't.
Uh, you know, what I'm trying to say is I know a born leader when I see one, and I, would like to offer you a promotion.
Executive Liaison in charge of transitions.
Wow.
What is an Executive The thing you just said? Well, Cameron, there are a lot of changes going on around here, some good, some great, and, uh, I just need you to make sure that things are running smoothly, and that, you know, you kind of report any little hiccups back to me.
- Okay.
- Comes with a key to the Executive toilette.
We have one of those? Oh, yeah.
Molly found it.
Ocupado.
Son of a bitch.
I've been going across the street to the gas station.
Why don't you just take some quiet time, you know, mull it over? I'm good.
Oh, hey, you know, lot of coffee.
I'm sorry Promotion? Blimey.
Mate.
I'm gonna have to put a bell around your neck.
There is no promotion.
I specifically heard you say the You know, here in the colonies, we have a little thing we like to call manipulation.
I mean, I'm not proud of it, but every change I try to make gets blocked by Oz.
I need an inside man.
Oh, in so many ways.
Oh, I see.
So you're getting Cameron on side so the others will follow.
Oh, that's fine.
You know, you're such an inspirational That is cute.
Oh, that's actually engraved By my mother? Hey, uh, top of the day, Cameron.
Uh, hey there, Mr.
Monopoly.
What's with the getup? Our new boss.
She's a Terminatrix.
Ronnie wants us to go corporate, so I'll wear a suit.
That's what I'll do.
'Cause I love OCP.
Just as much as I love coconut water and racquetball.
Okay, dude, you're not being corporate.
You're just doing your white guy voice.
It's offensive, and just so you know, coconut water is very hydrating.
Hey, Oz, uh, we gotta talk.
Hold on, hold on.
Ohh.
Just getting a head massage.
Okay, look, I had this bizarre meeting with Veronica, and she wants me to Do it! No.
I don't think you understand.
She offered me Excellent! You're not even listening, okay? I don't need to, Mr.
Executive Liaison Coordinator in charge of transitions.
How do you know that? That just happened.
Not only is this a heavenly head massager.
It doubles as a sonic listening device.
Sonic listening device? Why can't this office just be normal? The good news is, now I am privy to Ronnie's little "He said, she said" legal woes, I'm gonna use that to restore the balance of power in this office.
Are you in? No! No, I just I don't want to be caught in the middle of anything.
Please? No.
I'm not doing it.
No way.
No.
This is your plan? Using me as harassment bait? I'm not a boy toy.
Time to shake your can.
Target's on your six.
Oh.
Cameron.
I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but Well, hello.
S'up? You like what you see? Really? A mouthful of peanut butter? You're killing me! The peanut butter has many different uses.
It's one of the most versatile butters.
Check that! It's working! She's on the hook! Reel her in! I need some milk.
No, no.
No.
Hold your position.
Hold your position.
I wanna go home.
I gotta go.
I can't do this.
I wanna go home.
That's genius! You're presenting.
I feel really weird.
Don't move.
She's on the approach.
I can't stick it out any further.
These pants are so tight.
Nice try, Oswald.
Abort.
Abort! Look! You want a war? It is on! It is on like Donkey Kong! Listen, Oprah, it's all gonna come back.
Everything's I'll call you right back.
No! Don't take the video games! Oz, do something! They killed Dug! Who's Doug? Dig Dug! Aah! Damn it.
Stupid cubicle cage.
Hey, Mel, do you have a napkin? No Melanie.
Veronica moved her.
Didn't want you guys distracting each other.
But We always sit together.
That's our thing.
Well, it could be our thing.
Oh, this is bad.
I can't believe they touched the Captain Kirk chair.
What in the name of the prime directive is this? Oh.
I took your office.
Yay! Nobody touches the chair! Oh, I touched it, all right.
Yeah.
I put my dirty little fingies all over it, and I loved it.
Just throw it all out.
Cast out of Mount Olympus.
The gods have spoken! Just let it go.
Push the button.
Fill her up.
It's just that easy.
Mmm.
What an aroma.
Do you need anything notarized? I got a certificate.
It's kind of an honor.
I'm good.
Thank you.
Yeah.
This place is going to hell.
They put key cards on all the doors so they'll know when we're late.
Wait.
Why are you wearing that? Because these fluorescent lights make me look hideous.
Come on.
You could never look Oh! Dick.
I didn't Oh Hello? Hey.
It's me.
Don't turn around.
I said, don't turn around! We're kicking off plan "B," and Veronica can't know you and I are still in cahoots.
Say you just closed the Johnson account.
Say it! Say it loud! I just closed the Johnson account? Holy crap.
That's awesome.
Always be closing! Oz, we are not in cahoots.
All right? This is just like when my parents got divorced.
They used me as a pawn.
It's why I locked myself in my room with my computer for five years.
You want to talk about it? No.
Let's get back to the plan.
No.
No plans.
You lost.
Just admit it.
You sold the company.
It's not yours.
Things will change.
Oh, yeah.
Things are about to change.
Veronica's about to switch from decaf to caf.
Say "hello" to El Injerto from the Huehuetenango region of Guatemala.
The strongest coffee on Earth.
Observe.
Whoa.
Caffeine makes me a little, "Aah!" crazy.
Who's up for Vegas? No, no, no.
No, screw that.
Everybody goes to Vegas.
Let's go to Reno.
Veronica, please? What? What happened? What? Hey! Oh! It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
Everything is fine.
Well, it's not fine.
Actually, it was rather terrifying, but the good news is no one was hurt.
Well, one person was hurt, actually, quite severely.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
What? What's going That was my office.
No, no! Not anymore, and I've got the paperwork that says it's mine.
Got your little Ronnie Hancock right there.
Hmm? I don't remember signing this.
Yes, you had a little bit of an episode.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was pretty psychotic.
It's all settled.
Let's go to Dubai.
Yeah.
I'll fuel the jet.
Right.
I'll call my jet pack guy.
Okay, and you'll give me my office back? I will, I will! Wait, hold on one second.
I'm getting a call.
Sure.
Hello? You know, I probably should have told you that we were out of decaf.
Guess what? That signature's not gonna hold up in a court of law, you big That's why I had your guy notarize it! Ha, ha! Take good care of her! Whoo-hoo! Hey, boys! Looking good.
Guess who's got his office back? Well, goody for him.
What do we got? Nothin'.
And it's gonna get even crazier around here.
It's the Wrath of the Titans.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna get in the middle.
Okay, Ladyhawke's flying.
Operation Peace Talks are a go.
Okay, Mel, you're up.
Morning, Vee.
Wow.
I love that dress.
Oh, thanks.
All right, nice.
Ooh, what can I do you for? Uh, Oz wants to see you in his office.
Oh, great.
Wow.
Got it.
Okay, her key card's in pocket.
Oz is on the move.
That's all you, Cash.
Hey.
Boss.
I just saw Ronnie snooping around in your office.
Good to have you on the team, kid.
What was that? A pat on the back.
Little higher.
Yes.
Shh.
You didn't see a thing! Shh! Hey.
What'd you do? Come here to gloat about your glory day? Oh, great.
Is that why you summoned me here? So you can make fun of me? I didn't ask We've got to get out of here! Come on! - What? - Ugh! We locked you both in, just like the judge did with my parents.
He made them sit in a room and talk to each other like adults.
And if you don't, we'll pump poisonous gas in there.
We scrap that? I'll get us out of here.
Wait.
Where's my Oh, what? Ho, ho.
Don't worry about it, Veronica.
My pockets are unpickable.
Keep swiping.
Demagnetized your key card.
Jedi power activate.
Keep Keep doing your thing.
Okay, there has to be some way outta here.
There isn't.
This place is built like a bunker.
It's the perfect plan.
Unless we do exactly what they say, one of us is gonna have to eat the other.
Well We got all day.
Start talkin'.
This is absurd.
It's been hours.
They need nourishment.
I had a snake that lasted six weeks without food.
How long is this gonna drag on, man? Shouldn't somebody go in there and mediate? We can sit here until hell freezes over, but the office is a nonstarter.
No compromise! Well, is there anything at all on the table that is negotiable? Anything.
Okay.
The Oz-spresso machine, but only because my coffee tastes like a bag of ass.
- Get it.
- Thank you.
Veronica.
I'll give up fluorescent lighting.
I'll be doing that Melanie girl a favor.
No more cubicles.
Fine.
Key cards.
Unlimited office supplies.
Corporate retreats.
Staples Center box seats.
Weekly status report.
Doggie daycare.
Two personal items per cubicle.
Build your own taco bar.
Robot battles.
All right.
I'll give up Nerf weapons.
No! I want casual Fridays.
I wear the skirts around here! I can't do that to Cash.
It's all he has.
It's all the kid's got.
Why are you fighting for distractions? What you call distractions, I call motivators.
Oswald, people are not working.
You are forcing me to do something I don't want to do.
Oh, my God.
What's happening? What is it? What? You're not just gonna fork over your office to me.
What do I have to give you in return? It's not me.
It's them.
You want my office? You give them theirs back.
Release the kraken! Here's the thing, Veronica, if you want our best, you have to let us be us.
We'll never be corporate drones that you can cage in with your cubicles.
Cash needs his costumes and his video games.
Cameron needs to awkwardly flirt with Melanie.
These are the things that make Contra Contra.
I cannot have OCP taking all that away.
That's lovely.
Just pop it there.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Just in the left, thanks.
Lovely.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Thanks for helping us out.
Sure.
Um Do you think we could get a Ms.
Pac-man? Molly! I never said that.
Told you nothing would change around here.
Well You kind of lost your office.
Yeah, I've never really been much of a gambler.
Or am I? What the hell is this? What the hell is what? You've had a secret office this whole time? You didn't give up anything.
I'll allow it.