Brooklyn Nine-Nine Episode Scripts

N/A - The Night Shift

1 [grunting] Hey, everyone.
Sorry I'm late.
So what's this secret meeting all about? You guys know I'm not medically cleared for another week.
It's not a secret meeting, Jake.
It's an intervention.
[razor buzzes] The tips have to go.
What? Why? Jake, we're worried about you, and you look very stupid.
C'mon, guys.
I think they're kind of cool, retro.
No, they're terrible.
Amy, come on.
You're digging the tips, right? No, I feel like I'm kissing Vanilla Ice.
There was a time you would've jumped at that chance.
They have to go.
[laughs nervously] All right, you guys got me.
I did it as a joke.
I kept them ironically.
Pretty funny, right? [laughs] I'm just gonna head out.
- Get him! - No! [all screaming and grunting] Yes, Terry! [both screaming] [gasping] Okay, okay.
Wait, wait, okay, okay, okay.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'll admit it.
I went too deep down there in Florida.
At one point, I think I forgot where the tip of me ended, and the base of the tips began.
Before we just chop 'em off, 'would anybody like to say some final words? - No.
- That was one word.
That counts.
Thank you, Rosa.
Okay, I'm ready.
[razor buzzing] Sorry I'm late everyone, but trust me, it's worth it.
Me and Jake are tip buds.
[yelling] What? [screaming] No! Both: No! You know what I do see it.
It's bad.
It looks bad.
Brace yourselves 'cause Jake-y is back.
[mimics a train whistle] Don't everybody mob me at once.
We can high-five one at a time.
Oh, I see no response.
A little "welcome back to the precinct" hazing.
Who's behind this cute little prank? Diaz? Kill yourself.
Okay.
I told you.
Night shift has everyone a little down.
Yeah, just because you don't get to sleep or see your loved ones or feel the sun or do anything that brings you joy.
That's all.
I personally like the night shift.
You know who else is up right now? Murderers? Armed robbers? [Australian accent] Australians.
It's an whole new demographic for me to conquer.
[normal voice] I already have the third most followers behind Iggy Azalea and the Perth Zoo Wallaby cam.
Wow, that's pretty good.
It's not just good, Jake.
[chuckles] [Australian accent] It's bonzer.
Night shift is boring.
Listen to the cases I've had: Drunk and disorderly, drunk and disorderly, cyber crime Ooh, cyber crime.
Pretty cool.
Caught a drunk guy humping a laptop.
Well, we've all been there.
But my point is this: I don't care what time it is.
I'm always happy to be here.
Nine-Nine! Nine-Niiine! A-Noine-Noine! I'm gonna keep doing it until you guys chime in.
A-Noine-Noine! Sergeant Jeffords, a word.
What is wrong with everyone? I'm worried our night shift morale problem has gotten worse.
Yeah, you think? I'm sorry.
I'm exhausted.
My wife says when I get tired, I get night sassy.
Night sassy? Hearing problems, much? Sorry.
Should I just go tell everyone to buck up and do their jobs? No, the squad's only on night shift because they came down to Florida to save Jake and me.
It's my responsibility to fix this, so I'm going to brighten the mood by telling a few jokes.
Try this one on for size: I don't care for cheese.
I'm a curd-mudgeon.
Wow.
You're too tired for humor.
If he isn't taking his medicine, you could mix it in with his food.
Sorry, you can deal with your sick dog later, Boyle.
Well, actually, that was about my son, Nikolaj.
He's got allergies.
I think we may have to go with a nasal douche.
Ah, nasal douche.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Very gross.
Anyways, I'm back to being a cop.
It's all I've thought about for the last six months.
Hurtful.
But I won't be fully back until I've solved a case, just like old times.
And I can't do that without my partner.
Pfft, you're not solving any cases on the night shift.
Lohank? Oh, my God, you look Beautiful? I was gonna say "less sad.
" Ever since I moved to the day shift, I'm happier, healthier, my stepson gave me my debit card back.
Lohank is happy and confident? Everything's off.
[gasps] Oh, no.
We're in the Upside Down.
That's right.
I'm gonna tell you the same thing they told me when they removed my testicle: Welcome to your new life.
Nuh-uh, I'm not gonna let the night shift win.
Me and my main man Boyle are about to solve a case.
Isn't that right, Charles? Oh, you know we will.
We'll call ourselves the Night Boys.
Kind of sounds like a male escort service.
- The Midnight Men.
- Even worse.
The Dark Stallions.
Looks like we're going with the Night Boys.
Whoo! [sighs] I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but the night shift is taking all the fun out of paperwork.
- Mm-hmm.
- At least we're getting to - spend quality time together.
- Totally I'll be back in 40 minutes.
What? Where are you going? We have to finish this by morning.
Yeah, I know.
I just have something important I have to do.
What? I have to get Some pens.
Then why are you putting your jacket on? - Pen store's a block away.
- The nearest pen store is seven blocks away, and it doesn't open until 9:00 a.
m.
I learned that the hard way.
You really think you can lie to me? - No.
- A-ha! You're lying to me right now.
You do think you can lie to me.
- Yep.
- Wait.
Hang on.
- Was that a lie? - I don't know, maybe.
- All right, see ya.
- [sighs] Ah, our first case.
Tasty little B&E just what the doctor ordered.
Not actually, she recommended another week of bed rest.
I was like, "Whatever, dorkus.
" [laughter] Ah, check it out: Ducking under police tape.
I missed this.
[grunting and screaming] Charles Yep, yep, on it, on it, Jake-y.
- I got it.
- Got it.
What do we got? Back window's broken, two sets of sneaker prints, alarm went off at 11:43, and security arrived at 11:46.
Perps were already gone.
Okay, I'm thinking classic us.
I'm thinking old times.
I'm thinking [together] Rigity-rigity-role playas! Yes, okay, I'm Jacques Guillaume, and you are Henri Renault.
We are cat burglars on vacation from France.
I love it although Henri went to an elite international school, so he does not speak with an accent.
Wow, nice, way to flesh out the characters.
Thank you, okay, so I break the back window, make my way over to the jewelry case.
Meanwhile, you're standing lookout by the front door Oui, oui.
Smoking a cigarette.
Check it: Ash.
[French accent] Ooh la la.
Okay, so I am smoking.
What are you doing? Oh, Jacques rolls his own cigarettes, a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille, but that is not all he picked up.
Why do all your characters get STDs? [normal voice] Because they're living life! All right, so I go to the first case smash steal a bunch of watches.
Move over to the second case smash bracelets.
But then, we hear a sound, and I yell, "Les gendarmes! Ils sont ici!" And I know what that means because I'm French, but I ask you to repeat it in English, just to be sure.
Police are here.
Yes, we gotta get outta here, so we turn to leave, you flick your cigarette.
Using the cane, using the cane, this is awesome.
[gasps] Voila! Zee butt.
I thought Henri didn't have an accent.
It comes out when he gets excited.
Great news, everyone.
We just got our first lead on our first case on my first night back, proving once and for all that absolutely nothing has changed.
[grunts] Yeah, this opens in instead of out now.
They switched it a month ago.
Yeah, so the door changed, sure, but that's it.
Well, we have got ourselves a case and a key piece of evidence.
We should be wrapping this thing up in no time.
As long as we do it before sunup.
As soon as the shift is over, I kind of have to get home.
But we're gonna work until it's done, right? I mean, that's how we do it.
Yeah, I just like to be home as soon as Nikolaj wakes up so I can make him breakfast.
Sure, yeah, not a problem we'll be home by sunup.
Just like a couple of sexy "Twilight" vampires.
[as Dracula] I am Robert Pattinson.
I vant to turn into a bat.
[normal voice] I've never seen the movies.
No, me neither they're an insult to the books.
Okay.
Crank up the tunes, Boyle.
The Night Boys need an anthem.
Something dark, something tough, something I already got it.
[Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" playing] You know what? I'm into it.
The night shift won't slow us down.
Why is this going so slow? Where is everyone? Well, it is 3:00 a.
m.
It's a pretty bare-bones crew.
Hi, can I help you? Are you lost? Can I get you something coffee, tea? You know what we're in a bit of a hurry.
Can you run this DNA for us? Well, of course.
Sorry, not many people stopping by at night.
Sometimes it makes you like [blows raspberry] [squelching] Right? Both: Uh-huh.
I'll be back in a sec.
Cool.
Yikes not exactly the A-team at this hour.
"A-Team," are you guys talking "A-Team"? I love that show I could download it.
We should binge it.
This is gonna be fun.
Yep, totally excited to watch five full seasons of television with you, but could you actually run the DNA for us first? It kind of feels like you're prioritizing work over our friendship.
Because I barely know you? Fine, message received.
[upbeat music] Oh, welcome back from your third massive break of the night.
- Thanks.
- I was being sarcastic.
- Where do you keep going? - Not saying.
- Tell me, Diaz.
- Nope.
- Come on, tell me.
- Not talking about it.
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me Fine.
I was in the bathroom.
I'm having stomach problems.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
- It's real bad - No, that's all right.
- You should've been there.
- I don't have to hear it.
- It was like a massacre.
- No, you can please stop.
- Multiple flush.
- Please stop.
- Attention, squad.
Everyone, gather 'round.
I've been researching ways to raise morale, and I found an interesting article in a scientific journal.
Oh, was it from "The American Journal of No One Cares"? According to a recent study, the physical act of smiling can improve your mood.
I suggest we give it a shot.
Eh? Now you all try.
Big smiles, bigger, bigger! Great, now we just have to stay like this for the next two hours.
Can you feel it working? I don't have any enamel on my teeth, so the cold air is excruciating.
Maybe if you brushed your teeth once in a while, this wouldn't be a problem.
I do brush my teeth.
They're decaying from acid reflux.
You're embarrassing yourself.
- [Australian accent] - Crikey.
You're not Australian, Gina.
Get stuffed, ya drongo.
Guys, seriously, too much exposure to air, and they will turn to dust.
This isn't working out as well as I'd hoped.
Time for the next level: Forced laughing.
[laughs] Well, that lab tech took a long time.
Once we agreed to go to his birthday party, he was actually pretty fast.
But, most importantly, we got a DNA match.
We're looking for Dave Smith.
Sounds like a real piece of crap.
You said it.
Now we just gotta pull his files from records.
Yep, then we bust him, and we'll be done with plenty of time before Nikolaj wakes up.
[correcting] Nikolaj.
Hm? Nikolaj, yeah, I said it.
- Nikolaj.
- Nikolaj.
Not even close.
Nikolaj.
- Nikolaj.
- Almost Nikolaj.
Nikolaj I feel like I'm saying it.
You know what it doesn't matter.
Hit me with the music! All night long - All night - All night Hi there, we just need to pull a file Can't system's down.
They do maintenance at night.
That's okay, we'll just go to another precinct.
- That's all.
- Yep.
All night long - All night - All night Hi, can we get this file, please? We're in a bit of a hurry.
Oh, absolutely, honey.
[whispering] She's going extremely slow.
[whispering] She's going so slow.
There we go.
Oh, my glasses.
All right, we'll just go to Five-Four.
- All night - No.
Hello, hi, please, file now, hurry.
Sorry, dude.
I don't know how to get onto this system I'm a temp.
May I? Great, let me just get over oh, good lord, that is porn.
- Oh, is that not allowed? - It is not.
No problem, we just close these tabs - You've got a lot of them.
- Mm.
Type 3 and type 9 and 12 and 13 those are all the diabeteses I have.
It's true what they say: Night shift makes for strange bedfellows.
In your dreams, perv.
Ugh.
Rosa? What the hell? She said she was in the bathroom again.
Nah, she hasn't been to the bathroom since 8:27.
[yelling] What? Also ew.
C'mon, Hitchcock.
Busted.
[laughs then sighs] Man, this Dave Smith's bad news: Armed robbery, aggravated assault, attempted murder Well, he's about to get a visit from the Night Boys.
Gah, this stupid limp is slowing me down.
Charles, can you Oh, give you a piggy? - What? - Yeah, jump on it I'll give you a piggy.
[snorts] Actually, I'm good.
I was just gonna ask if you'd hold my bag.
Oh, yeah, sure, makes more sense.
- Yeah.
- Embarrassed.
Anyways, this is great.
We're definitely gonna catch this guy before sunup, and you will be home to see your kid.
Oh, no! Son of a bitch.
[knocking] Jake, come on in.
Nikolaj, look who it is.
You remember Jake Peralta.
From the stories.
Yeah, we talk about you at bedtime.
Ah.
Look at my cement truck.
- He loves trucks.
- Cool, it's cool, buddy.
Hey, listen, I know you're with your kid, but I checked the file, and our perp's last known address is like two blocks from here.
Really? We gotta go take him down.
Yes, there's the Charles I know.
- Tonight, Dave Smith goes down.
- Tonight? No, Charles, we gotta go now.
You saw this guy's rap sheet he was arrested for attempted mur Tickling, tickling attempted tickling.
Right, tickling.
Look, uh, Charles, this guy's a real doodyhead, all right? He tickled once he may tickle again.
He might be tickling as we speak.
We could be dealing with a serial tickler.
[sighs] I really want to go, Jake, but I'm here alone with Nikolaj.
Genevieve doesn't get back for three hours.
So let's just take him with us.
Nah, that's crazy or is it just crazy enough to work? Just crazy.
Ah, man, it stinks you've gotta watch him it's really messing everything up.
I mean, that came out wrong.
I love that you have a son it's not messing everything up.
Just messing up our ability to solve the case and have fun.
Ah, you know what I mean.
I'm a nice guy I'm in the right.
I'll just go myself.
Bye, Nikolaj.
[correcting] Nikolaj.
Yeah, whatever.
See ya.
I know your shift is over, and you've had a challenging night, but I think I've found a new way to raise morale.
Follow me to the briefing room.
What's all this? It's an after-work hang.
Just trying to turn up, as it were.
We got snacks, games, decorations, chairs Yes, chairs.
Cool, maybe we can mill around and small talk about how some of us are big lying liars who lie all the time like a bunch of liars, Rosa.
I don't think that's good party convo.
Uh, maybe we should just name our favorite sailing knot.
I'll start.
The bowline.
How about some tunes? [upbeat Sousa march] Cool, merry-go-round music.
Yeah, John Phillips Sousa, the Skrillex of his day.
C'mon, people, hit the dance floor.
Have a good time.
Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it.
Gina, why aren't you dancing? I can't.
I'm in the middle of a feud with the "that's not a knife" guy from "Crocodile Dundee.
" He's being a real bitch.
Fine, I guess I'll just stop the party.
I didn't realize it ever started.
Enough.
I tried to make this fun.
I even learned what Skrillex was.
Sorry you're all miserable, but guess what.
So am I.
I'm exhausted all the time, I never see my husband, the late-night NPR programming pure garbage.
I'm done trying.
We can all be miserable together.
Just go home.
Hey, I saw you earlier.
You weren't in the bathroom.
You were on a park bench playing on your phone.
Yeah, you left me to do everything while I thought you were pooping.
I wish you were pooping.
I wish to God.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Rosa, crying don't know what to do.
Pat, pat.
This feels wrong.
We put away Figgis three weeks ago.
Pimento should've been back by now.
We had plans to meet on that park bench once the coast was clear, but he hasn't shown up.
Maybe he's deep undercover, or he doesn't remember who he is, or maybe he's dead.
Wow, thanks.
You're right, my fiancé's a total weirdo who's probably dead.
I'll just give up on him and go do my paperwork.
No, Diaz, wait maybe he's just really, really injured.
Come on, Amy.
All right, Fiske, Jones, Thompkins [gasps] Smith.
Smith.
Whoa, hey, NYPD, freeze! Slow down! This isn't fair! I have a cane.
[panting] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
NYPD.
NYPD I need to commandeer this vehicle.
It's a crossover.
It's a crossover SUV, and you can't have it.
I'm a cop can you please get out of the car? No, this Schmidt's mom's car, and I'm more scared of her than I am of some two-bit thug.
I'm not a thug I'm police.
Okay, then name one law.
Don't kill people.
That's on me I set the bar too low.
Look, can you please just get out? Okay, you can drive, but I'm not getting out.
- Right.
- Also, I have the seat warmer on I don't just have a really hot butt.
Doesn't matter to me a perp is getting away.
Oh, it's very hot.
[car screeches] I can't believe this is happening.
Thanks a lot, New York.
You know what, if your city's so great, then how come it's not the state capital? What who cares about the state's capital? This is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of.
That doesn't sound right where dreams are made of? I don't know you tell me.
- It's your dumb city.
- It's grammatically odd.
Whatever, I'm sure wherever you're from has strange songs - written about it, too.
- Los Angeles? Damn it, all the songs there are so good.
[yells] [grunts] Hey, watch my soup.
I'm chasing a criminal.
Your soup is not important.
You took an oath to serve and protect.
That applies to my soup.
You know that's not what the oath is about.
You're making a point you don't even believe in.
Garbage truck! [both screaming] [tires screeching and glass breaking] - Oh.
- Damn it! He got away.
Well, I spilled my soup.
You tell me which is worse.
My thing.
Very clearly my thing.
Captain Holt, can we talk to you? What is the meaning of this? Am I the subject of a punking? It's a beginning-of-work hang.
And why are you all in such good moods? Because you told us that you're miserable, too.
And that means you'll fight to get us off the night shift, right? Well, here's what I have to say about that: The night shift stinks stinks like a butt.
And I will do everything in my power to make sure we get back to the day shift.
What are we standing around for? Put some Sousa on already.
I want to get wild.
Well, well, well, if it isn't one of the world-famous Night Bros.
It's the Night Boys, and why did I correct you? I would've preferred "Bros.
" Did you solve your case yet? - No.
- Night shift, am I right? You remind me of me.
It's not the night shift, okay? I found the perp, and I would've taken him down, but I'm hobbled, and I didn't have a partner because ever since Boyle had a son, that's all he can focus on.
Whoa, hey, are you angry at Boyle for having a kid? No, I'm just mad because I'm working the night shift, and I have to use a cane, and, yes, the one thing I could always count on no matter what Boyle being there for me is also gone.
What do you say we let day shift Lohank take - a crack at this? - [sighs] I'm gonna put a little something up in the old hopper.
You tell me if it vibes with you.
That's so gross.
Life moves forwards, not backwards, and things will never be as they were.
And you can be angry about that, or you can embrace the fact that your best friend now has a son.
How cool is that, amigo? Ugh, "amigo.
" All right, fine, yes, I'll admit it, it is pretty cool.
Boyle's wanted it for a very long time.
I guess I haven't actually spent that much time with Nikolaj yet.
- [correcting] - Nikolaj.
Man, am I seriously about to take emotional advice from Lohank? You know you want to, compadre.
Go to him.
Hey, I'm really sorry.
I shouldn't have said that about Pimento.
I'm sure he's gonna come back.
I'm not even thinking about it anymore.
That wasn't even me crying in the bathroom earlier that was someone else with these same boots, but now she's gone.
Look, when Jake was in witness protection, and I didn't know when he was ever coming back, you were always there when I needed to vent.
So I'll do your paperwork, and if you ever want company on that bench, I'm there.
Thanks I would advise against it though if he does come back, things are gonna get real raunchy, real fast, like, do a lot of licking, that's probably indecent exposure - I don't want to get - Okay, got it.
You know what I'll just start with this stack right hehere.
Thanks, Rosa, okay, good talk.
[knocking] Hey, what's up? I can't work the case tonight.
Nikolaj's allergies are acting up, and now the dog seems to be allergic to him.
It's this whole thing.
Did you find Smith? No, uh, he actually got away.
- Sorry, man.
- Ah, it's all right.
It's the day shift's problem now.
Whatever happened to working until it's done? Honestly Lohank kind of talked some sense into me.
- Lohank? - Yeah, it was so gross, - but I want to apologize.
- For what? Well, I kept talking about how I wanted everything to go back to normal, but if that actually happened, this little guy wouldn't be here.
Or is he big? I don't know what size kids are supposed to be, or anything about kids, really.
I think maybe that's part of the problem it doesn't matter.
I got a present for Nikolaj.
Thanks, Jake.
Come on in, give it to him.
- Niko.
- Hey, little man.
[gasps] A garbage truck! You wanna know something cool? A truck just like this almost killed me today.
[clears throat] Uh, kissed me, almost kissed me.
Anyway, let's get some trash in this thing am I right? You're silly.
Yeah.
I am silly.
Oh, my God, this is a dream come true.
I gotta get my phone I gotta film this.
Oh, but then I'll miss it.
Oh, but I want it forever.
Agh, but I should stay in the moment.
Ah, but then I'll forget.
Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.