Brooklyn Nine-Nine Episode Scripts

N/A - The Slaughterhouse

1 Ugh, where is this guy? Deal was supposed to go down ten minutes ago.
Stupid criminals have no respect for the people trying to bust them.
Yeah, I really wish he'd show up.
I gotta go to the bathroom so bad.
That's, like, the third time today, man.
- What is going on with you? - Oh, Amy freaked out 'cause I told her I never drink water so now she's making me drink eight glasses a day.
It's, like, there's water in soda, there's water in coffee, there's little pools of water on pizza.
- That's grease, Jake.
- Well, it's wet, isn't it? It's our guy.
Billy Ocampo.
Deal's going down.
Let's go.
All right, and then we're gonna pee.
[tense music] Count.
NYPD! Freeze! - Cops! - We got a jackrabbit.
[dramatic music] - [tires squealing] - Ah! Damn it.
Ocampo got away.
What happened to him? Dumb-dumb tried to jump down the stairs.
Shattered his ankle.
Foot's all floppy.
Great, let's get 'em back to the Nine-Nine, see if Floppy Foot and his friend know where our man's hiding.
They don't know anything.
They're undercover cops.
Floppy Foot's a cop? Crap, that's Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins.
I know.
She's literally my hero.
Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins.
You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.
My name is Detective Ignatius Pennyfeather IX.
That's I-G Nacious.
These two bozos screwed up a three-month operation.
Well, this sucks.
Lieutenant Hawkins is my idol, and now she hates me.
She is so cool.
She's been buried alive three times.
I've only been buried alive once.
I heard she doesn't let anyone take her photograph so that she can still go undercover.
Hey, Rosa, delete all the pictures you have of me.
I don't have any.
Not even the Splash Mountain one? Oh.
Here comes Holt.
Well, Hawkins is more enraged than ever.
Why? Ocampo's just a low-level fence.
She wanted to use him to get to the Golden Gang bank robbers.
She thinks he's their fence.
Golden Gang? Damn.
Those guys just hit a bank in Bushwick, took 6 mil in diamonds.
[sighs] That is a big deal.
She should be mad at us.
You two, get in here.
You're in God's hands now.
Good-bye.
You tank the operation, and you put one of my men out of commission.
I am this close to suspending the both of you.
Almost looked like your fingers were actually touching.
We're sorry our signals got crossed.
This is everything we have on Ocampo.
Yeah, we've been on his tail for a while.
We know everything about him, all the way down to his favorite fro-yo flavor Monkeyberry Marshmallow Blaster.
The point is, we can help you find him.
You wanna help? Stop looking for Ocampo, and stay away from my case.
Sounds good.
We will definitely stop not looking for him.
We're gonna find Ocampo for her, and then she's not gonna be mad anymore.
- Dope.
- Dope indeed.
[groans] I swear, I would rather drink ginger ale, Rosa.
Honestly! Ginger ale! So a guy got stabbed at 3rd and Union.
You know what that means.
I got 3rd Street bagels! [cheers and applause] Wow, it's so nice and surprising - when somebody thinks of others.
- Nah.
- Scully - I was thinking of you.
I was thinking about how stupid your face is.
That's it! I'm licking all these bagels.
You get none! Oh, you think your spit's gonna stop me? Brother, you don't know me at all.
- Mmm! - Ugh, what are we watching? They've been fighting like little kids all morning, and I can't get 'em to stop.
I tried everything, ordering them to stop and Well, that's really all I tried.
But I'm their superior officer.
That should've worked.
Guys, why are you fighting? You're best friends.
Every Sunday after church, Scully and I have dinner together at Wing Sluts.
We know.
You get ribs and White Russians and watch "Undercover Boss.
" Last night, Scully said he was sick, so I went by myself.
Guess who was there, healthy as a clam? Mr.
Liar and his new tart Cindy Shatz.
What happened to our bro code? - Badge before va - Hitchcock, no.
You always get mad when I spend time with Cindy, so I lied, because I didn't want you to throw a fit - Ya cuck.
- You're the cuck, snowflake! - No, you are! - Gina, as you know, my fountain pen is being re-nibbed in Germany.
Yes, it's all no one is talking about.
Due to its absence, I borrowed Amy's favorite pen, and I lost it.
That pen is her best friend.
I'm not even saying that as an insult.
I've heard her say it.
How'd you lose it? I have a COMPSTA presentation coming up, and I was toying with the idea of using hand gestures, for emphasis, so I went out on the roof to practice And, ladies and gentlemen, violent crime has gone down by 10 perce [slow percussive music] Amy is going to be very angry, maybe even angrier than when they added "YOLO" to the dictionary.
You know, I wouldn't worry about it.
Amy's, like, physically incapable of being mad at you.
I don't think she'll be disrespectful, but certainly she'll be upset.
Ehh watch this.
Amy, someone lost your pen, girl.
Gina, you better be joking.
That pen is my best friend, and I will straight up It was Captain Holt.
Oh, that's fine.
It's just a pen.
- It's just a pen.
- [derisive giggle] [sighs] Hey, so I talked to my C.
I.
s, and nobody's heard anything about Ocampo, but I talked to Skeezy J, who said he's been taking night classes.
He wants to be a dietician.
I'm excited for him.
Hawkins knows we're working the case.
I highly doubt it.
What makes you say that? She just called and said, "Get over here.
I know you're working the case.
" Hmm, so it appears you were onto something.
Very good.
Touché.
Well, off to death.
This place is awesome.
I've always wanted to work in a covert facility.
I know.
We're in a black site, Rosa.
I bet they have some awesome name for it.
- Welcome to the Slaughterhouse.
- Told ya.
Hey, so listen, we know you told us to stop looking for Ocampo, but we figured we'd find him for you, try and make things right.
It's all good.
I'm not mad.
I checked out your files.
You guys do good stuff.
I think you might be our best option at finding this guy again.
You think you can do that? Can a paring knife remove a human heart - in under a minute? - Yes, I've seen it happen.
Lucky.
So why don't you both come back tomorrow and we can start working this together? And, who knows, if you find the guy, I got an open spot on my squad.
Maybe one of you could fill it.
Or maybe one of us could fill it.
- Excuse me? - What you said better.
Rosa, leave now? This is amazing.
I've always wanted to be on that squad.
Me too.
Working with her would be insane.
What do we do? I mean, there's only one spot and the two of us, unless one of us wanted to back off because the other said it first.
That seems fair.
Look, none of this matters if we don't find Ocampo.
Let's just do our jobs, and Hawkins will do whatever she's gonna do.
Doesn't have to be a competition, right? - Right.
Right? - Right.
- Right? - Right.
both: Right.
So based on these phone records, we think Ocampo is definitely still in Brooklyn.
Unrelated question: Is it true you still have a bullet lodged in your hip from your shootout with the Canarsie Killer? - No.
- Darn.
- It's in my jaw.
- Yes.
This is nice work, guys.
Who figured out he was cloning his credit card? - Oh, uh, couldn't tell you.
- I don't know.
- Can't remember.
- Yeah, can't recall.
We don't really keep score.
Yeah, we're super non-competitive.
Great.
So what's our next move? How do we find this guy? I say we tap his brother's phone.
They're tight.
He'll definitely call.
Jake, you agree? Yes, I think that's a great idea.
Fully support that.
Totally love it.
The one thing I will say, though, is, it could take us a while to get a warrant.
And we know he's hard up for cash, and we also know that's his primary buyer, so we could see what this guy knows.
Both smart suggestions.
I say we do - Peralta's.
- Yes.
[fake groan] Sorry, it's muscle spasm.
Whatever.
Diaz, you ride? - Yeah, I got a supercharged R1.
- Engine? 4-stroke, in-line four with dual overhead cams.
Wow, that's a lot of bike.
I ride a custom-6 L-capacity superbike.
What is that? Like, 180 horses? 210.
Purrs like a puma in heat.
I also ride motorcycles.
Oh, yeah? What do you ride? Oh, it's in the shop right now.
Yeah, the torque felt low, so I was like, "Bro, we gots to up the torque.
" We all know how it is.
Anyways, I could talk about my steel horse all darn day.
We got work to do.
[chuckles] Rosa.
Sarge, Hitchcock and Scully are out of control.
They got into a fight over the ranch dressing, and now it's everywhere.
- [grunts] - I figured it out, Boyle.
They've been acting like kids, so I'm gonna treat 'em like kids.
Ooh, Daddy's gonna dish out some Daddy discipline.
As a fellow daddy, I approve.
- Stop saying "daddy.
" - You got it, Papa Bear.
Hmm, I actually kinda like that one.
Makes me feel strong.
Anyway, I'm gonna take away something they love until they stop fighting.
Papa Bear punishment.
Daddy like! Boyle! You two, up now! I'm taking away the thing you love most in the world.
Sitting.
You'll get your chairs back when you apologize to each other.
Fine.
I'm sorry I ever met you, you bald freak! [grunts] Don't you push my desk, you basic bitch! Guys, enough.
Guys - Freak! - Biatch! Oh, the ranch.
It's all over the floor.
[grunts] [both grunt] - Oh! - Oh! [muffled sobbing] Ocampo? Nah, haven't seen him in months.
- I don't know how to reach him.
- Okay.
Then I guess we'll just set up surveillance here full-time.
I'm sure your shady customers will love that.
- Oh, well, I - Tell me where he is.
I'm gonna count to three.
There will not be a four.
Okay, fine, he was here this morning, but I didn't buy anything.
Here, he left this number in case I change my mind.
Uh, thank you.
- Here you go, Lieutenant.
- "There will not be a four.
" "Die Hard.
" Nice.
- You like "Die Hard"? - Best movie ever.
Best franchise ever.
I even have the Justin Long one on Blu-ray.
I saw the fifth one in the theaters.
So did I! Wait, there was only one other person there.
- Was that you? - Atlantic Avenue? No, but that would've been a cool coincidence.
I also like "Die Hard.
" Really, Rosa? What's your favorite part? - The shootouts.
- Interesting.
Vague and interesting.
But it's funny 'cause I always thought your favorite movies were made by Nancy Meyers.
- Seriously? - What? No.
- I hate that crap.
- Really? So you hate the one starring Diane Keaton and John Wick? - What was it called again? - I don't know.
- "Something Has to Give"? - "Something's Gotta Give.
" - I got ya.
- [groans] Can I get a trace on this number right away, please? No need.
We know where Ocampo is.
We got the warrant for Diaz's tap.
He called his brother and arranged a meet-up.
It's about to go down.
So it looks like my idea worked after all.
- Did it, though? - Yes, it did.
Nice job, Diaz.
Come on, suit up, everyone.
We gotta go right away.
Sounds good.
Maybe we should take our bikes.
Cool idea, but is it the best move tactically? Yes, it is.
That way, we can slip through traffic.
Totally.
However, as mentioned, my hog is up in the torque shop, just getting torqued up the hog, so we should probably just share one car over there.
Ah, I bet you Floppy Foot will loan you his bike.
And yet, I don't want to inconvenience Floppy Foot.
- Sure he wouldn't mind.
- Right.
Even so, it's not like we have his keys.
- Uh, look at that.
- Let's go.
You found them.
That's fun.
I can't wait to drive this motorcycle that I definitely know how to drive.
[upbeat hip-hop music] Too much torque! Too much torque! Santiago, I've been your CO for four years.
By now, you should be able to stand up for yourself, even if that means telling me off.
You're right.
Just say the word, and I will tell you off.
Okay, tell me off about losing your pen.
Oh.
Right now? Okay, well, it makes me feel pretty annoyed.
- Good.
Go on.
- It grates my cheese.
I mean, it just really grates my cheese.
Grr! Oh, Santiago, you're faking.
Faking? What? Uh, did you hear that "grr"? Just admit it.
Okay, fine, I was faking the whole time, but I only did it because I wanted you to enjoy it.
That ruins it.
I mean, it's supposed to be good for both of us.
It was good.
Just because I didn't get angry doesn't mean I didn't get anything out of it.
Yeah, but the whole point is for you to get angry.
- Did you even get close? - Uh What about your last CO? - Could he make you angry? - Well, he You know what? I don't wanna know.
Don't tell me.
I don't wanna know.
[panting] Did you find him? Where is everybody? They already left.
Ocampo wasn't here.
He must've heard us coming or something.
- Did you enjoy your ride over? - I think you know I didn't.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have brought up Nancy Meyers.
Oh, okay, I see what's happening.
This is a competition.
We're officially competing.
- Oh, yeah, we're competing.
- Fine, then it's on, and I'm gonna crush you.
Also, I need a ride.
Can I please sit on the back of your motorcycle? - No.
- Well played.
Looks like I'm gonna find out if a motorcycle fits on the subway.
Ugh, I gotta find Ocampo before Rosa does.
I'm so wound up! I can't focus! Oh, are you flipping out about Tiandra getting kicked off - "So You Think You Can Dance"? - Definitely not.
Well, you should be.
Her Nay Nay was nonpareil.
I know what's happening.
I'm finally hydrated, and it's unlocking my brain's full potential.
It's too much for me.
I'm "Limitless" -ing.
I don't think water makes you jittery.
It does if it's laced with caffeine.
[stealthy music] You dosed my water? You just drank 960 cups of coffee.
Oh, that esprains why I no talk butter.
[gasps] Me having stirk? [laughs] Good luck solving that case.
- [gasps] - Why would you drink more? My brain wants its fast juice.
Hey.
Why are you in here? I'm hiding from Hitchcock and Scully.
I can't take anymore.
They got into a meatball fight at breakfast.
They win.
The bullpen is theirs.
No way, Papa Bear.
When Nikolaj and his best friend fight, I have them do an activity together, like a puppy puzzle.
Makes 'em cooperate.
So are you saying we give Hitchcock and Scully a case and make 'em work it together? No, no, no, we give them a puppy puzzle.
Now let's go to town on 'em daddy-style.
All right, I need you guys to assemble this jigsaw puzzle for a case I'm working on.
Why do we have to do it together? - Yeah.
- Uh 'cause? Can't argue with that.
Cooperation instead of punishment.
Damn, Boyle, that is some advanced level parenting right there.
- I learned from the best - Thank you.
- Lorelai from "Gilmore Girls.
" - Okay.
I guess being a daddy just comes naturally to me.
- [muffled groaning] - Die! - Hitchcock, no! - Die! [grunts] [muffled shouting] How's it going? Ah, I noticed your pupils have stopped pulsating.
Yeah, because I found the perfect antidote to your little prank.
Sure, caffeine speeds you up, but half-and-half slows you down.
Ah, dairy.
[exhales deeply] You made one fatal mistake.
[belches] You forgot how gross I am.
Yep.
Oh, now feels like a good time to tell you I dosed that half-and-half with caffeine.
- Come on! - What are you two up to? - Being normal.
Why? - Not misbehaving.
What? - Huh, Skeezy J just called.
- Oh, did he pass his final? No, but he said, "Ocampo's in a warehouse on the corner of Richards and Lefferts.
" - Uh - [shouts] - [engine sputtering] - What's wrong, Rosa? Out of gas? [gulping, sputtering] [gags] Yeah, it got all in my mouth.
It was horrible.
But still not as bad as water.
See ya never! What's wrong, Jake? Out of steering wheels? You know that I am! That's okay.
I can run too.
[grunts] Oh, the half-and-half just met the gasoline.
They're not mixing well.
[exhaling sharply] Sir, are you all right? I failed you, Santiago.
I want my officers to respect the chain of command, but I never want anyone to be so terrified of me that they repress basic emotions.
- I'm a terrible captain.
- Stop that.
You are not a terrible captain.
Santiago, face facts.
I'm garbage.
No, this is about me and my issues with authority.
- You've been great.
- Wrong, I've been a disaster.
I can't believe you would blame yourself for this.
- How stupid are you? - So stupid.
- I'm such a stupid head.
- The fact that you think this has anything to do with you is insane.
Do you even [gasps] Oh, my God, I'm yelling at you.
Yes, you are.
You're in the zone.
- Keep going.
- Oh, okay.
I can't believe you lost my pen.
That was careless and rude! - And? - And it was a real jerk move! - Santiago! You did it! - And I am so sick of you playing your damn classical music in your office all day.
It's too loud! We can all hear it! Okay, well, this has been You shut your mouth when I'm talking to you.
- Santiago - Right, too far.
I'm sorry.
This is all very new for me.
[jazzy music] Son of a bitch.
Where'd you find a steering wheel? I didn't.
I had a Frisbee in the trunk, and I taped it on.
That's right.
I MacGyvered the donk out of this thing, and it worked flawlessly.
Actually, I hit a ton of stuff on the way over here.
- It was awful.
- Of course you did.
- Yeah.
- Whatever.
This is the warehouse.
Listen, I know we're competing, but We can't let him get away.
We should work this together.
Okay, but the second that we find him We go back to being arch rivals.
No two ways about it.
Yep, I'll boil your flesh and drink from your skull.
Yeah, totally.
I'll do that to you too, if I win.
We're both lunatics.
NYPD! Down on the ground! Ocampo, freeze! [exciting music] What are you doing? - He went outside.
- Feels like a setup.
I mean, he could have opened the door but stayed inside to trick us.
No way.
This guy is not that smart.
We could split up, follow our hunches.
Winner takes all.
Dummy.
NYPD! Put your hands where I can see them! [groans] Oh, my God.
Damn it.
You're under arrest.
Also, I'm gonna have to pee while I hold you at gunpoint.
I've been drinking so much water.
Hey.
Before we take Ocampo over to the Slaughterhouse, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, 'cause you are sharpening that knife very intensely.
Makes me feel better.
I'm the same way with "MAD" magazine and "Cracked" magazine.
Ah, they're both so good.
Tough to pick.
I mean, "MAD" is the original, but "Cracked" [laughs] They've always got a take.
Okay, I'm done.
Let's go.
Wait.
Look, I know it sucks there's only one spot, but working for Hawkins is my dream.
I mean, she takes down the biggest criminals in the city.
I get it.
Dude, it's just, our captain's a man, our sergeant's a man.
Every superior officer I've ever had has been a man.
It just seemed cool to work for a badass woman like Hawkins for once, but whatever, I'm good.
Also, I spiked your gum with caffeine.
How? Face it, Charles, we couldn't make 'em get along.
We failed as parents.
Why did I think I knew what I was doing? Poor Nikolaj.
His life is ruined.
My God, you two are fools.
[laughs] Your folly was in treating them as children.
Of course, we should've been treating 'em like adults.
No, wrong again.
They're not children.
They're not adults.
They're animals filthy, wild animals and they need to be treated accordingly.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it right now! - But he won't let me - [shouts indistinctly] - [growls] - [whimpers] You two gonna be friends now? No? Okay, fine, yeah.
Who wants a cookie? Ah, let me hear you apologize.
- I'm sorry.
- Uh, better apology, please.
I'm sorry for neglecting our friendship.
- You're my best friend.
- Your turn.
Well, I'm sorry too.
You're my best friend.
Good boys! Stay.
Stay, stay.
Eat it! God, I'm gonna make a great dad someday.
[upbeat music] - You got Ocampo? - Oh, yeah, and you'll never guess where we found him.
In the bathroom not going.
He was hiding.
I ruined the story.
Did he give you any info about the Golden Gang bank robbers? No, we thought we'd leave that to you.
Well, I appreciate that.
So who found him? - Who's gonna join my squad? - Jake.
Thank you, Rosa, for introducing me.
Yes, I am Jake, and I'm announcing that the person joining your task force is Detective Diaz.
What? No, you found him.
Because you said we should split up.
It was the correct call.
Yeah, but you brought him in.
You won.
Agree to disagree.
I say you won.
- I think you won.
- I say you won.
- Dude, you clearly won - Shut up! You've got each other's backs.
I like that.
Loyalty is the most important thing to me, so I tell you what I'm gonna do.
How about I'm gonna put you both on the task force? - Oh, okay, whatever.
- That works, I guess.
It's fine idea.
Not that we really cared.
I wasn't really listening.
What are we talking about? - Ah! We got it! - Ah! [laughing] Wait a minute.
Are we hugging? Have we ever done this before? No, and if you tell anyone, I'll slit your throat.
- Oh.
- Thank you so much, Jake.
Please.
I'm just glad you finally get to work for a woman as badass as you are.
And as a man, I'd like to apologize - for my gender's history - Don't ruin it.
- Okay.
- Come on, I'll buy you a drink that doesn't have any pills in it.
Sounds good, but I wish you hadn't mentioned liquid.
Now I have to pee.
I promise you I will never drink water ever again.
- Thank God.
- It's the worst.
BRB.
Did you tell 'em anything? No, they have no idea what's really going on.
Pretty.
See how much you can get me for these, hmm? Try not to get caught this time.
Oh, no.
She dirty.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.