Buffy the Vampire Slayer s02e09 Episode Script

"Are you a people person or do you|prefer keeping your own company?" Well, what if I'm a people person|who keeps his own company by default? - Mark "none of the above".
|- There are no boxes for "none of the above".
That would introduce too many variables|into their number-crunching little world.
I sense bitterness.
No, but these people can't tell from one test|what we're gonna do for the rest of our lives.
I'm kinda curious to find out|what sort of career I could have.
And suck the spontaneity out of being|young and stupid? I'd rather be in the dark.
- We're not gonna be young for ever.
|- Yes, but I'll always be stupid.
OK, let's not all rush to disagree.
You're not stupid.
"I aspire to help my fellow man.
" Check.
As long as he's not smelly,|dirty or something gross.
Cordelia Chase - always ready to give|a helping hand to the rich and the pretty.
Which, lucky me, excludes you.
Twice.
Is murder always a crime? - Do I like shrubs?|- That's between you and your God.
- What did you put?|- I came down on the side of shrubs.
Go shrubs! OK.
Oh I shouldn't even be bothering with this.
|It's all mootville for me.
No matter what my test says,|we know my deal.
- Yep! High-risk.
Sub-minimum wage.
|- Pointy wooden things? - Then why are you taking the test?|- It's Principal Snyder's hoop of the week.
He's not happy unless I'm jumping.
|I would not be here otherwise.
You're not a teensy-weensy bit curious|about what career you could have had? If you weren't already the Slayer 'n' all.
Do the words "sealed" and "fate"|ring any bells, Will? Why go there? You know, with that kind of attitude, you|could have had a bright future at the DMV.
I'm sorry.
It's just Unless Hell freezes over|and every vamp here puts in for retirement, .
.
I'd say my future is pretty much a non issue.
- Read it again.
|- I'm not sure.
It could be, uh .
.
"deprimere ille bubula linter, " Debase the beef canoe.
Why does that strike me as not right? Spike, come dance.
Give us some peace, would you?|Can't you see I'm workin'? I'm sorry, kitten.
It's just this manuscript.
It's supposed|to hold your cure, but it reads like gibberish.
Even Dalton, the big brain,|can't make heads or tails of it.
I I need to change Miss Edith.
Oh, forgive me.
You know I can't stand to see you like this.
We're runnin' out of time.
It's that bloody Slayer.
Whatever I do,|she's muckin' up the works.
You'll make it right.
I know.
Well Come on now Enlighten me.
Well it looks like Latin, but it's not.
|I'm not even sure it's a language Then make it a language!|Isn't that what a transcriber does? - Well, not exactly|- I want the cure.
Find Why not? Some people|find pain very inspirational.
He can't help you.
Not without the key.
The key? You mean this book|is in some kind of code? Yeah.
- Is that where we'll find this key?|- Yeah I'll send the boys pronto.
Now will you dance? I'll dance with you, pet, .
.
on the Slayer's grave.
Does "rest in peace" have|no sanctity to you people? Oh.
I forgot.
You're not a people.
One down One gone.
Buffy You scared me.
Now you know|what it feels like, Stealth Guy.
Just droppin' by for some|quality time with Mr Gordo? - Excuse me?|- The pig.
Oh! I, uh What's up? Nothing.
You don't have a "nothing" face.
|You have a "something" face.
And you don't have to whisper.
Mom's in LA|till Thursday - art buying or something.
Then why'd you come in|through the window? Habit.
I wanted to make sure you're OK.
|I had a bad feeling.
There's a surprise.
|Angel comes with bad news.
Oh, God! I'm sorry.
Look I've been Cranky Miss all day.
It's not you.
- What is it, then?|- It's nothing.
- We're having this thing at school|- Career week? - How did you know?|- I lurk.
Right.
Well, you know it's a whole week of|What's My Line, only I don't get to play.
- Sometimes I just want|- You want what? It's OK.
The Cliffs Notes version? I want a normal life, like I had before.
Before me.
No, Angel, it's not you.
You're the one freaky thing in my freaky|world that still makes sense to me.
I just get messed sometimes.
I wish we could be regular kids.
Yeah.
I'll never be a kid.
OK.
A regular kid and her cradle-robbing,|creature-of-the-night boyfriend.
Was this part of your normal life? Oh, my gosh! My Dorothy Hamill phase.
|My room in LA was pretty much a shrine.
Dorothy dolls, Dorothy posters.
|I even got the Dorothy haircut.
Thereby securing a place|in the geek hall of fame.
- And you wanted to be like her.
|- I wanted to be her.
My parents were fighting all the time|and skating was an escape.
I felt safe.
When was the last time|you put on your skates? About a couple of hundred demons ago.
There's a rink out past Route 17|that's closed on Tuesdays.
- Tomorrow's Tuesday.
|- I know.
Oh, here I am.
Personal shopper|or motivational speaker.
Neato.
Motivational speaker on what?|Ten ways to a more annoying you? Um What about you? You're What? What! You and Angel are going skating? Alone? Unless some unforeseen evil pops up.
|But I'm in full see-no-evil mode.
- Angel ice-skating?|- I know.
Two worlds collide.
Wouldn't you two say|you know me as well as anyone? - Maybe better than I know myself?|- What's this about? When you look at me,|do you think prison guard? Um Crossing guard maybe,|but prison guard? They just put up the assignments|for the career fair .
.
and I can look forward to being gainfully|employed in the growing field of corrections.
Well, at least you'll be|on the right side of the bars.
Laugh now, missy.
They assigned you to|the booth for law enforcement professionals.
- As in police?|- As in polyester, doughnuts and brutality.
But doughnuts! Well, I'll just jump off that bridge|when I come to it.
First I have to deal with Giles.
He's on|this Tony Robbins hyper-efficiency kick.
Expects me to check in every day|after homeroom.
Police You didn't check to see which seminar|I was assigned to, did you? - I did and you weren't.
|- I wasn't what? - On the list.
|- But I handed in my test.
I used a No.
2 pencil.
- Then I guess you must have passed.
|- It's not the kind of test you pass or fail.
Your name wasn't up there, Will.
Buffy.
Thank you.
I've been indexing the Watcher diaries|covering the last couple of centuries.
You'd be amazed at how pompous and|long-winded some of these watchers were.
Colour me stunned.
So, uh, I trust last night's patrol was fruitful? Semi.
I caught one out of two vamps after|they stole something from this mausoleum.
- They were stealing?|- With tools, flashlights.
Whole nine yards.
What does that mean anyway?|Whole nine yards.
Nine yards of what? Now it's gonna bug me all day.
Giles, you're in pace mode.
What gives? Um This vampire who escaped,|did you see what he took? No, but I can guess|and say it was something old.
- You didn't try to find out what was taken?|- Have a cow, Giles.
I just figured it was|your everyday vamp high jinks.
What if it wasn't? This could be very serious.
If you'd made an effort to be more thorough If you don't like the way I do my job,|why don't you find somebody else? Oh! That's right.
There can only be one.
|As long as I'm alive there is no one else.
Well, there you go.
I don't have|to be the Slayer.
I could be dead.
That wasn't terribly funny.
|You notice I don't laugh.
Wouldn't be much of a change.
|Either way I'm bored, constricted.
I never get to shop, and my hair|and fingernails continue to grow.
So, really, when you think about it,|what's the diff? Do we have to be introspective now? Our concern is to discover what was|stolen from that mausoleum last night.
- This is it, then.
|- It hums.
I can hear it.
Once you're well again,|we'll have a coronation down main street.
And invite everyone.
And drink|for seven days and seven nights.
What about the Slayer? She almost|blew the whole thing for us.
She's trouble.
You don't say! Trouble? She's the gnat in my ear.
The gristle in my teeth.
She's the bloody thorn in my bloody side! - Spike?|- We've gotta do something.
We'll never complete your cure|with that bitch breathing down our necks.
I need to bring in the big guns.
|They'll take care of her once and for all.
- Big guns?|- The Order of Taraka.
The bounty hunters? They're coming to my party.
Three of them.
Yes, but The Order of Taraka, I mean - Isn't that overkill?|- No.
I think it's just enough kill.
Willow? What are you doing here?|Fly.
Be free, little bird.
You defy category.
- I'm looking for Buffy.
|- She went with Giles about an hour ago.
- Some kind of field trip.
|- If she's not back soon, Snyder's really .
.
done a great job with the fair, hasn't he? Principal Snyder, great career fair, sir.
Really.
I'm so inspired by your leadership,|I'm thinkin' principal school.
I wanna walk in your shoes.
Not your|actual shoes, of course, because you're tiny.
Not tiny in the small sense, of course.
|OK, I'm done now.
- Where is she?|- Who? - You know who.
|- You mean Buffy? I just saw her Don't feed me that "I just saw her a minute|ago, she's around here somewhere" story.
But I did just see her a minute ago|and she is around here somewhere.
- For what it's worth|- It's worth nothing, Harris.
Whatever comes out of your mouth|is a waste of breath, an airborne toxic event.
I'm glad you feel comfortable enough|to be so honest with me.
I can only hope that one day|I'm in the position to be that honest with you.
Fascinating.
Well, love to chat, but I got an appointment|with the warden on riot procedure.
Ciao, OK.
See ya.
Willow Rosenberg? Come with us, please.
- Excuse me?|- Let's walk.
Try the canapé.
It's excellent.
What is all this? You're to meet with Mr McCarthy, recruiter|for the world's leading software concern.
The jet was delayed by fog,|but he should be here any minute.
Please, make yourself comfortable.
But I didn't even get my test back.
That was irrelevant.
|We've tracked you for some time.
- Is that a good thing?|- I would think so.
We're extremely selective.
In fact, only one|other Sunnydale student met our criteria.
Canapé? Buffy! Slow down, please! Giles, we have work to do.
|Get with the programme.
You're being remarkably immature.
You know why? I am immature.
|I'm a teen.
I've yet to mature.
I was simply offering|some constructive criticism.
No.
You were harsh.
God, you act like I picked this gig,|but remember I'm the picked.
What you have is more than a gig.
|It's a sacred duty.
Which shouldn't prevent you from eventually|procuring some more gainful employment.
Such as I did.
Giles, it's one thing to be|a watcher and a librarian.
They go together,|like chicken and another chicken, .
.
or two chickens, or something.
|You know what I'm saying! No one blinks an eye if you spend|all your days with books.
What can I do? Carve stakes for a nursery? Point taken.
I must admit I've never really Now, there's a thought!|Have you ever considered law enforcement? What? - May I?|- Be my guest.
It's a reliquary, .
.
used to house items|of religious significance.
Most commonly a finger|or another body part from a saint.
Note to self: religion - freaky.
Du Lac.
- Oh dear, oh dear.
|- I hate when you say that.
Josephus du Lac was buried here.
He was in a sect that was excommunicated|by the Vatican at the turn of the century.
Excommunicated and sent to Sunnydale.
|There's a guy big with the sinning.
Remember the book that was stolen|from the library a few weeks ago? - Yeah.
|- It was written by du Lac.
Damn it! I let it slip my mind with all the excitement.
I guess it wasn't|a Taste of the Vatican cookbook.
No, the book was said to contain rituals|and spells that reap unspeakable evil.
However, it was written in archaic Latin so|that only sect members could understand it.
- So everything's cool.
|- It's not.
First the book was taken .
.
and now the vampires have stolen|something from du Lac's tomb.
Do you think they figured out|how to read the book? Something's coming, Buffy.
|Whatever it is, I can guarantee it's not good.
Bus 219, continuing service to Los Angeles,|now arriving Sunnydale - Mrs Kalish?|- Yes.
Hello.
I'm Norman Pfister|with Blush Beautiful Skincare.
I'm not selling anything, so I'm not asking|you to buy, just to accept a few free samples.
- Free?|- Absolutely.
What the hell? Hey, you're not supposed to be in here! Hey, come on! So Giles is sure the vampire|who stole his book .
.
is linked to the one you slayed last night? - Or is it "slew"?|- Both are correct.
And yes.
I'm sure.
Du Lac was both a theologian|and a mathematician.
This article describes an invention of his|which he called the du Lac Cross.
Why go to the trouble of inventing something|and then give it a weak name? I mean, I'd have gone with the Cross-o-matic|or the Amazing Mr Cross.
The Cross was more than a symbol.
It was|used to understand certain mystical texts.
To decipher hidden meanings and so forth.
So you're saying these vampires went to|all this hassle for a basic decoder ring? Actually, yes.
I suppose I am.
According to this, du Lac destroyed|every Cross except the one buried with him.
- Why destroy your own work?|- He feared it might fall into the wrong hands.
A fear we'll soon get to experience|for ourselves, up close in person.
Unless we can pre-empt their plans.
How? By learning what's in the book|before they do.
Which means we can expect|to be here late tonight.
Goody! Research party! Will, you need a life in the worst way.
Speaking of I have to bail, but I'll be back|bright and early tomorrow and ready to slay.
- This is a matter of some urgency, Buffy.
|- I realise that.
You have to admit|I kinda lack in the book area.
You guys are the brains.
|I'll only be here for moral support.
That's untrue, Buff.
You totally contribute.
|You go for snacks! She should go you know|gather her strength.
Perhaps you're right.
|There may be fierce battles ahead.
But HoHos are a vital part|of my cognitive process.
Sorry, Xand.
Someplace I have to be.
Buffy! He is passing|under our feet right now.
No worries.
We're close to decoding|the manuscript.
We just need a bit more time.
Time is ours.
|It brings the Slayer closer to them.
The Hellmouth presents Dead Guys on Ice,|Not exactly the evening we were aiming for.
You're in danger.
|You know what the ring means? - I just killed a Super Bowl champ?|- I'm serious! Just go home and wait till you hear from me.
Are you OK? - What about you? That cut|- Forget about me.
We gotta get you out.
- You mean hide?|- Let's get you someplace safe! No! Your eye Hey! Don't be a baby.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
- It's not that|- What? You shouldn't have to touch me|when I'm like this.
I didn't even notice.
This guy was hard-core, Giles.
|And Angel was power-freaked by that ring.
He was not overreacting.
This ring is worn|only by members of the Order of Taraka.
It's a society of deadly assassins|dating back to King Solomon.
Didn't they beat the Elks|in the Sunnydale adult bowling league? Their credo is to sow discord|and kill the unwary.
- Bowling is a vicious game.
|- That's enough, Xander! Sorry.
It's just not the time for jokes.
|I need to think.
- Why are they after me?|- Cos you're the scourge of the underworld? I haven't been that scourgey lately.
I don't know, I don't know.
I think the best thing we can do|is to find a secure location.
Somewhere out of the way you can go|until we decide on the best course of action.
OK.
Now you and Angel|have both said to head for the hills.
Are you saying I can't handle this?|That I can't fight these people? They're a breed apart, Buffy.
Unlike vampires, they have no earthly|desires but to collect their bounty.
They find a target and, uh they eliminate it.
You can kill as many of them as you like.
|It'll make no difference.
Where there's one,|there will be another and another.
They won't stop coming until the job is done.
Each one of them works alone, his own way, Some are human, Some are not, You won't know who they are|until they strike, Try it! - Try what?|- Uh I'm sorry.
I'm still not clear what I'm supposed to try.
Nothing.
God, I'm sorry.
I That is a tense person.
I wish there was more we could do.
We're doing all that we can.
The only course of action is to try|and find out what was in that stolen book.
I've never seen Buffy like that.
|She just took off.
She didn't go home.
The phone rang a few hundred times,|then I remembered her mom is out of town.
Maybe Buffy unplugged the phone.
No, it's a statistical impossibility|for a 16-year-old girl to unplug her phone.
Well, perhaps my words of caution|were a little too alarming.
- You think?|- It's good that she took you seriously, Giles.
I just wish we knew where she was.
Angel? We're closed! Can't you read the sign? Hey, Angel.
I didn't recognise you|in the dark there.
What, uh What can I do for you tonight? - I need some information.
|- Yeah? Man, that's too bad cos|I'm stayin' away from that whole scene.
- I'm livin' right, Angel.
|- Sure you are, Willy.
And I'm takin' up sunbathing.
Come on, man Don't be that way.
I treat you vamps good.
|I don't hassle you.
You don't hassle me.
We all enjoy the patronage|of this establishment.
Everybody's happy! Who sent them? - Who sent who?|- The Order of Taraka.
I I tell ya I haven't been in the loop.
Let's try again.
The Order of Taraka.
|They're after the Slayer.
Come on, man Was it Spike? Look, Angel.
I got some good|pig's blood in.
Good stuff You know I'm a little rusty|at killin' humans.
It could take a while.
- Spike will draw and quarter me, man!|- I'll take care of Spike.
You know he ordered those guys!|Spike's sick of your girl getting in his way.
- Where can I find him?|- I tell you that, .
.
I'll need relocating expenses.
It'll cost ya.
- It'll cost who?|- OK, OK.
He and that freaky chick of his Who are you? If you tell me|what I need to know, I won't hurt you.
You think this is funny? I think it is funny now.
- That girl, the one I saw you with before|- You stay away from her.
I'm afraid you are not|in a position to threaten.
- When I get outta here, I'll do more than that.
|- Then I suggest you move quickly.
Eastern exposure.
|The sun will be comin' in a few hours.
More than enough time|for me to find your girlfriend.
Xander? No, I haven't heard from Buffy yet.
I think|you should go to her house and check on her.
Well right away.
I don't know! Get Cordelia to drive you.
- Willow|- Don't warn the tadpoles! - Are you all right?|- What are you doing here? It's the library, Willow.
You fell asleep.
Oh, I Don't warn the tadpoles? I I have frog fear.
I'm sorry.
I conked out.
Oh, please.
You've gone|quite beyond the call of duty.
But fortunately, I think|I may have found something finally.
I found a description of the missing|du Lac manuscript.
It's a ritual, Willow.
Now, I haven't managed to decipher|the exact details, but I I believe the purpose is to restore|a weak and sick vampire back to full health.
- A vampire like Drusilla?|- Exactly.
By George, I think he's got it! The key to your cure, ducks.
The missing bloody link.
It was Right right in front of us the whole time.
I can't even believe you.
You got me out of|bed for a ride? Am I mass transportation? That's what a lot of guys say,|but it's just locker-room talk.
Great.
So I'm your taxi|and your punching bag.
I like to think of you more as|my witless foil, but have it your way.
Buffy! Come on, Cordelia.
To be in the Scooby Gang|you gotta be inconvenienced now and then.
Right.
Cos I lie awake at night|hoping you tweekos will be my best friends.
And that my first husband|will be a balding, homeless man! - Buffy could be in trouble.
|- What if she is? What are you gonna do? If you haven't noticed, you're|the lameness and she's the superchick.
At least I'm the lameness who cares,|which is more than you do.
Buffy! I'm gonna check upstairs.
Buffy! Good day.
I'm Norman Pfister with|Blush Beautiful Skincare and Cosmetics.
I was wondering if I might|interest you in some free samples.
Free? You must be number two.
Thanks for the wake-up,|but I'll stick with my clock radio.
Don't make me do the chick-fight thing.
- Chick fight?|- You know - Who are you?|- Who am I? - You attacked me! Who the hell are you?|- I am Kendra.
The Vampire Slayer.