Buffy the Vampire Slayer s04e01 Episode Script

Anything? Ah! "Introduction to the Modern Novel.
A survey study of 20th-century novelists.
" - "Open to freshmen.
" You might like that.
- "Introduction to the Modern Novel"? I'm guessing I'd probably have to read the modern novel.
Maybe more than one.
I like books.
I just don't wanna take on too much.
Do they have an "Introduction to the Modern Blurb"? - Oh! "Short Story"! - Well, that's good.
- Oh, no.
It conflicts with psych.
- Maybe I shouldn't take psych.
You gotta.
It's fun, and you can use it as your science requirement.
Anyway, Professor Walsh is supposed to be great.
She's, like, world-renowned.
How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be "nowned" first? Yes.
First there's the painful nowning process.
Wait! "Images of Pop Culture.
" This is good.
They watch movies, TV shows, even commercials.
For credit? - Isn't college cool? - How did I miss that one? Well, you did sort ofwait till the last minute with your course selection.
Sorry, Miss l-Chose-My-Major-in-Playgroup.
That's an exaggeration.
I just, you know, think it's good to be prepared.
Don't wanna be caught unawares.
I've been busy! It's been a very slay-heavy summer.
I just haven't had a whole lot oftime to think about life at UC Sunnydale.
- It's exciting, though, isn't it? - Yeah! - It's gonna be an adjustment.
- Yeah, it's, like, five miles away.
It's uncharted territory.
Giles said I have to be Secret ldentity Gal again.
- That makes sense.
- It's gonna be tough, though.
- With a roommate.
- Yeah.
I'm psyched about college.
Definitely.
I just need to figure out how it's gonna work with my extracurricular activities.
I just can't let it take the edge off my slaying.
I gotta stay sharp.
Is this guy ever gonna wake up? Sometimes At the back ofmymind Freshmen! We're doing this by folder colour! Ifyou're not holding on to a yellow folder, you're in the wrong group.
You belong up by Weisman Hall.
They gotta hear us! We're not gonna take it! - What do we want? - Booze! - When do we want it? - Now! Rally tomorrow night.
Let the administration know how we feel.
Right.
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal saviour? I meant to, and then I just got really busy.
Party Thursday at Alpha Delt.
Free Jell-O shots for freshmen women.
Do you guys know where Weisman Hall is? - Buffy! Hey! - Oh, boy, am I glad to see you! Isn't this cool? There's so much going on.
Yeah.
Almost, one might say, too much.
I got all my courses except for Modern Poetry.
I had to switch to Ethnomusicology.
But that's cool.
West African drumming.
I think it's gonna change everything.
- Have you met your roommate yet? - No.
- Me neither.
I hope she's cool.
- I see you got ticketed, too.
Yes! I've heard about five different issues and I'm angry about every one ofthem.
- What'd you get? - Jell-O shots.
I didn't get Jell-O shots! I'll trade you for a "Take Back the Night"? Are we near Weisman Hall? I still need to get my ID card.
I got mine this morning.
The lines are really long now.
You should've gone early.
Well, I hope that I learn from this experience and that I grow.
- I'm being annoying, aren't l? - No.
It's nice that you're excited.
It's just in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon.
You really had to work to learn anything.
But here, the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up.
And letting this place just thrust into and spurt knowledge into That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
I'm with you, though.
I'm all for spurty knowledge.
It's just It's a little overwhelming.
Don't you feel it? Well, I'm Ooh, boyfriend! It's my on-campus boyfriend! Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up.
The line's probably really long now, too.
- How are you? - Good.
It's a madhouse, a madhouse.
I know, I was just saying that to Willow.
It's so overwhelming.
- Don't you feel completely disoriented? - Oz! - Hey, Paul.
- Finally matriculating with us.
Very cool! - Tell me you're playing this week! - Thursday, Alpha Delt.
- I have that one! - I'm bringing the wrecking crew.
- Jell-O shots? - Good.
Where do you get the work-study applications? Back of Richmond Hall, next to the auditorium.
- Thanks.
See ya, bro.
- Go get 'em.
Well, the band's played here a lot.
It's still all new.
I don't know what the hell's going on.
Hey, Doug! Library Ooh, library.
Come on.
It's too bad Giles couldn't be librarian here.
Be convenient.
Well, he says he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure.
Gentleman of leisure? lsn't that British for unemployed? Uh-huh.
He's a slacker now.
Speaking of slack, have you heard from Xander? Not for a while.
He's still on his cross-country see-America thing.
He said he wasn't coming back until he had driven to all 50 states.
- Did you explain about Hawaii? - Well, he seemed so determined.
Hope he gets back soon.
It'd be fun to have the whole gang back together.
Hang out in the Iibrary.
Wow! Oh, my gosh! lsn't this amazing? It's cosy.
You know, I never wanted to hurt Giles's feelings, but, occult books aside, our old libraryjust didn't have the greatest selection.
But this? Yeah, this is great, you know, ifwe ever need a place for the Nuremberg rallies.
This is a real library.
See, we even have to whisper.
It's like a whole new world.
- Here.
- Thanks.
I can't wait till Mom gets the bill.
I hope it's a funny aneurysm.
"Introduction to Psychology.
" - Oh, up there.
- I'll get 'em.
- This discriminates against short people.
- Oh, I think there's a protest next week.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry! - I'm OK.
It's OK.
- Well, that was bracing.
- I'm so The books were just too high, and then everything was bad.
Let me give you a hand.
Let's put a few ofthese down here.
So are you girls taking lntro Psych, or do you just want me dead? Uh-huh.
I mean, the first one.
You'll have fun.
Professor Walsh, she's quite a character.
- You've taken it? - I'm a TA.
I'll be helping the professor out.
I've forgotten my manners in all the concussion.
I'm Riley.
- Willow.
And this is my friend Buffy.
- Nice to meet you both.
I'm nice to meet.
Will we be studying operant conditioning in the first semester? I hear that's kind of Professor Walsh's specialty.
Absolutely.
You know her treatise on Dietrich's work? I know ofit.
It's a fascinating read, ifyou're into that sort ofthing.
- They have it here.
- Oh, where? I'll show you.
I don't meet many freshmen that know much about psychology.
- Well, it's fascinating.
- Yeah, you know, cos everyone's got a brain.
Or, almost everyone.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi! Are you Buffy? - Yeah.
- Kathy.
Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
Yeah! So, it's, uh it's a pretty nice room, huh? Mmm! I was surprised, cos you hear horror stories about freshmen housing.
- You took the right side.
- Yeah.
- But, you know, ifyou want it - No, no.
I just wanted to make sure that's what you wanted.
- You excited for classes tomorrow? - Painfully.
I bet there's gonna be a lot of parties to go to this week, too.
Not that I'm a crazy partyer.
And I'm not always this hyper, either.
I'm just excited.
Yeah.
Me too.
I am really glad they put me with somebody cool.
I can tell that you're cool.
I just know that this whole year is gonna be super fun! The point ofthis course is not to critique popular American culture.
It is not to pick at it, or look down upon it.
And it is not to watch videos for credit.
- The point is to examine - Do you know ifthis class is full yet? And there are two people talking at once, and I know that one ofthem is me, and the other is a blonde girl.
You.
Blonde girl.
Stand up.
I'm very excited to hear what you have to say that's worth interrupting my lecture for.
I was just asking ifthe class was still open.
If I could still sign up.
Ifyour name isn't on this sheet, then you are wasting everyone's time.
- Are you on the sheet? - They told me that if l Do you understand? You are sucking energy from everyone in this room.
Theycame here to learn.
Get out! I didn't mean to suck.
Leave! Thank you.
Ifyou're looking for psych, it's through here.
Oh, thanks.
- How's your head? - Sorry? Yesterday.
In the bookstore.
- You don't remember.
- Oh, no, sure, I remember you.
- You're Willow's friend.
- Yeah.
My head's fine.
Itjust stung for a bit and I lost most of my basic motor functions.
It's no biggie.
We're here.
- I'm sorry.
I'm trying to remember your - Buffy.
- Buffy.
Right.
Have fun today, OK? - Thanks.
You know, I was just wondering.
Professor Walsh isn't planning on yelling at me and kicking me out ofthe class, is she? - It's not in her lesson plan.
- Great! - How was Pop Culture? - I decided not to take it.
It seemed dull.
OK.
This is Psych 105, lntroduction to Psychology.
I am Professor Walsh.
Those who fall into my good graces will come to know me as Maggie.
Those who don't will come to know me by the name my TAs use and think I don't know: the Evil Bitch Monster of Death.
Make no mistake, I run a hard class, I talk fast and I expect you to keep up.
Ifyou're looking to coast, I recommend Geology 101.
That's where the football players are.
- Sorry.
- No, I wasn't looking.
Did you, uh, lose your way? Me? No, no.
I'm just going to Fischer Hall, which I know is on the earth planet.
- Recently voted most pathetic.
Uh-huh.
- Well, I'm lost, and I have a map.
So Oh! I come in second.
- I'm Buffy, by the way.
- Eddie.
OK, so - So that's Fischer Hall, right? - OK, and this is Dunworth Building.
That's my dorm.
It's just it's us I can't find.
- Are we the blue part? - No.
- Yes.
- So if I came from there, then we would just wanna go that way to the bike path.
You sound very certain.
I'm in.
Are you taking Psych 105 with Professor Walsh? Yeah.
I mean, I'm gonna try.
She's not afraid ofthe long words, huh? She's pretty intense.
A lot ofthe courses are really tough.
I'm a little upset.
I had it on good authority that this was a party school.
I think it's supposed to get easier.
I still feel like carrying around a security blanket.
OfHuman Bondage.
Have you ever read it? Oh, I'm not really into porn.
I'm trying to cut way back.
No.
There's no actual bondage, it's just a novel.
I've read it, like, ten times.
I always keep it by my bed.
Security blanket.
I don't really have a security blanket.
Unless, of course, you count Mr Pointy.
Mr Pointy? Oh.
Bike path.
It's nice to know that I'm not the only entirely confused person on this campus.
- I suspect there's a lot of us.
- I'll look for you in psych.
Yeah.
We can help each other figure out what they're talking about.
- OK.
- Maybe even make it through the year.
- Good night.
- Night.
I'm sorry.
Did you lose your way? - You looking for someone? - Yeah.
You made a friend? Good for you! Thanks, Mom.
Yeah, Eddie just took off.
Packed his stuff, left a note.
Happens sometimes.
People just can't handle it.
There's always a few kids who lose it early in the first semester and just bail.
Weak ones, I guess.
Boring.
Boring.
Boring.
Boring boring.
Boring.
Astonishingly boring.
We We have to kill cooler people.
Will somebody remind me? You were the one who said pick on the weak ones.
Thin the herd and all that.
Does this sweater make me look fat? No, the fact that you're fat makes you look fat.
That sweaterjust makes you look purple.
You're such a loser.
Hey, words can hurt like a fist.
Hey! Check it out! Well? Do we have a Klimt? - Yes! - Big score for Klimt! Monet still well in the lead, but look out for Team Klimt, coming from behind.
Freshmen.
Man, they're so predictable.
And you can never eatjust one.
- Yeah, I'm hungry! - What a shock.
- We eat when I say we eat.
- Well, we could hit the tunnels We eat when I say we eat! God, lighten up! I think it's funny when you scream.
It's like Whoa! I gotta get me some better lackeys, I swear.
You guys are useless.
- I shouldn't take you on the hunt.
- Great! Let dead Eddie get your dinner! That's pretty much the plan.
Giles? Rupert, is this blue cheese or is itjust cheese that's gone blue? You're not Giles.
You know, the door was open, so I just - Giles does still live here, right? - He does.
He appears.
Rupert, you have a guest.
Buffy.
Hello.
Is this a bad time? No.
Oh, forgive me.
This is Olivia.
She's, er, an old friend.
She's staying over for a few days.
Couldn't pass through sunny Cal without looking up old Ripper.
Buffy's, um was a student of mine.
And how is university? Pretty much the same as high school, in the sense of I need help.
Ah, help.
Yes.
But this just looks like a bad time.
No, you guys talk.
I'll just go slip into something a little less comfortable.
So, trouble with - studies? - This is a bad time.
- You keep saying that.
- It looks pretty bad! Someone had a little too much free time on their hands.
- I'm not supposed to have a private life? - No! Because you're very, very old, and it's gross.
Well, before I succumb to the ravages of age, why don't you tell me what brings you here? - There's a student missing.
- Yes? Eddie.
He's supposed to have left school, but I just don't think he did.
I met him last night, then I went back where we met, and it looked like there had been a struggle.
- And? - And we need to stop this! Eddie's RA said kids disappear a lot.
There could be vampires working the campus.
- We need research and charts and stuff.
- I still don't see where I fit in.
You haven't described anything that you can't do yourself.
OK, remember before you became Hugh Hefner, when you used to be a watcher? Officially you no longer have a watcher.
Buffy, I'll always be here when you need me.
Your safety is more important than anything, but you'll have to take care ofyourself.
You're out of school and I can't always be there to guide you.
- I'm sorry to bug you.
- Buffy Oh, no.
I mean, yeah, you're you're right.
I can handle this.
It's just l I'm on it.
I am here ifyou need me.
- She's gone? - Yes.
- So, did you help her? - I'm not sure.
How am I supposed to hunt in this mob? Don't you people have homes? Eddie? Eddie! Eddie, hey! Wait up.
God, I was worried something had happened to you.
And of course it has, because you're a vampire.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not.
The Slayer! Wow.
Um, I heard you might be coming here.
This is I mean, what a challenge.
The Slayer.
- And you are? - I'm Sunday.
I'll be killing you here in a minute or so.
That threat gets more frightening every time I hear it.
Are we gonna fight? Or is there just gonna be a monster sarcasm rally? I'm in for a piece.
Everybody gets to play.
Guys, this is totally mine.
OK, but you gotta share the eatin'.
Cos I'm thinking Slayer's blood's gotta be - whoa! - Iike Thai stick.
Aren't people supposed to get smarter in college? I think you had misconceptions about college.
Like anyone would be caught dead wearing that.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you fight like a girl.
Freshmen! No, no, no, no, no! The best part was when you ragged on her clothes.
She was like "No! Not the ensemble!" Those jeans? With the little patches? She has no one to blame but herself.
I heard they're coming back.
Not if I kill every single person who wears them.
You shoulda let us have a piece.
We could've finished her off.
She's not gonna last the night.
She's a done deal.
In fact, guys, you're gonna hit the tunnels.
Mom? - Buffy.
- Hi.
- Honey, how are you? - I'm OK.
How's college? Have you been fighting? Oh, they started it.
Just as long as you're being careful.
I really didn't think you'd show here for a while.
Oh, I didn't have classes today and everything's been so hectic I figured it'd be nice to crash for Oh, well, yeah.
I didn't think you'd be back for a couple ofweeks.
But I didn't move anything.
It's still your room.
- You filled it with packing crates.
- Yeah, but I didn't move anything.
If it's still my room, shouldn't I be able to fit in it? Well, it's just for a couple ofweeks while we do inventory at the gallery.
I just really didn't think you'd be back so soon.
Neither did l.
Hello? Hello? We are Electricity Conducting sparks Shower with me We made this about We made this about You and me You and me The whole world in front of her and she comes back to this dive.
- Xander! - Hey, Buff.
- When did you get back? - Couple days ago.
Freak of nature! Why didn't you call me? You were starting the college adventure and I didn't want to, you know, help you move.
I missed you.
How was your trip? ls America nice? I hear it's nice.
There's some purple mountains majesty, I have to say.
What'd you do? What'd you see? - Well - Tell me! - Grand Canyon! - You saw the Grand Canyon! Well, I saw the movie Grand Canyon on cable.
Really lame.
Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car.
And that was literally.
So I washed dishes at the fabulous Ladies Nightclub for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs.
No one bothered me or even spoke to me until one of the male strippers called in sick, and no power on earth will make me tell you the rest ofthat story.
Suffice to say I traded my car for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came home to my loving parents, where everything was exactly as it was, except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent.
- How's college? - Male strippers.
No power on this earth.
OK.
- College is good.
- OK, once more with even less feeling.
No, really! I mean, Willow's in heaven and Oz has this really cool house off-campus with the band.
And you're sitting here alone at the Bronze looking like you have cancer ofthe puppy.
It's just there was this vampire and she took me down, and I just - I don't know how to stop her.
- Then where's the gang? - Avengers assemble! Let's get it going! - No, I don't wanna bug them.
I mean, they're just starting school and they don't need this.
OK, Buff, what's the what here? It's just, what if I can't cut it? Can't cut what? Slaying? Slaying.
Everything.
This is all about fear.
It's understandable, but you can't let it control you.
Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to anger.
No, wait, hold on.
Fear leads to hate.
Hate leads to the dark side.
Hold on, no.
First you get the women, then you get the money, then you OK, can we forget that? Thanks for the Dadaist pep talk.
I feel much more abstract now.
The point is, you're Buffy.
- Yeah.
Maybe in high school I was Buffy.
- And now in college you're Betty Louise? Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois.
I might as well be.
Buffy, I've gone through some fairly dark times in my life, faced some scary things.
Among them the kitchen at the fabulous Ladies Nightclub.
Let me tell you something.
When it's dark and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think "What would Buffy do?" You're my hero.
OK, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone, I think "What is Buffy wearing?" That'd be one ofthose things you never ever tell me about? It's a deal.
Let's put this bitch in the ground.
What do you say? I think I say thank you.
And nothing says thank you like dollars in the waistband.
OK, what do we do first? Kids disappearing every year.
Not too many.
Just enough so that everyone thinks they up and left.
I can't believe the vampires took your stuff.
Murder I expect, but petty larceny seems so petty.
They have to be keeping it somewhere.
On campus or at least nearby.
Hey, how far back do the disappearances go? They weren't too common before '82.
Magic number! Check this out.
"Psi Theta loses its charter.
Building to be closed for renovation.
" "Former Psi Theta house lies dormant while issues drag on before the city council.
" - We have a winner.
- Looks pretty cherry.
You up for a little reconnaissance? - Where we all sculpt and paint and stuff? - No, that was the Renaissance.
Oh.
I've had a really long week.
Let's go look at the house.
Score! Oh! That's my skirt! You're never gonna fit in it with those hips! We have to kill them.
- We need weapons.
- I don't see my weapons trunk there.
It was right by my bed.
Mr Gordo? Go to my room.
If it's not there, try Willow's.
I'll keep an eye My diary?! Uh-oh.
Score.
I'll hurry.
Laugh all you want.
This time we play it my way.
And the rules are gonna be Say, don't I know you from beating the crap outta you? I just thought I'd drop in.
Get it? Drop in? Boy! Tough room.
I must say, you've really got me now.
I mean, this is a diabolical plan.
Throw yourself at my feet with a broken arm and no weapons? - How am I gonna get outta this one? - You got a nice setup here.
- But you made one mistake.
- What was that? I'm not actually positive, but statistically speaking people usually make - It seemed kinda weird.
- Weird's a pretty good word for it.
Buffy wouldn'tjust take off.
That's just not in her nature.
Except when she disappeared for several months and changed her name, but there were circumstances then.
There's no circumstances.
Does Buffy have a history of emotional problems? Cos on my request form I was specific about a stable nonsmoker.
- I don't think this is her handwriting.
- I bet there were circumstances! We've probably been so wrapped up in our own petty lives that that we totally missed the circumstances.
We're bad friends! - Well, let's think this through.
- How can you be so calm? Long, arduous hours of practice.
Now either Buffy took off, or she was robbed, or - It's a prank! - Xander! How are my guys? - I don't know you, do l? - No.
- This is very intrusive, isn't it? - Little bit! - Xander.
- Kathy.
- Do we hug? - I think we're too manly.
- What's the prank? - Prank? Oh, the room.
Some friends of Buffy's played a funnyjoke, and they took her stuff.
Now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans.
- Oh! Those friends! - They're funny guys.
They took the chest.
Well, let's go! Let's go to our friend.
- It's nice meeting you, Kathy.
- You, too! - Let's go to Will's, get supplies.
- Is Buffy in danger? She's in a holding pattern.
We've got some time.
Oh, and this.
This is my favourite item.
You don't wanna touch that.
You know, this arm's not looking so good.
- It might have to come off.
- You wanna know the truth? I only need one.
This is starting to suck.
When you look back at this, before you to turn to dust, I think you'll find the mistake was touching my stuff.
What about breaking your arm? - How does that feel? - Let me answer that with a head butt.
And for the record the arm is hurt.
It's not broken.
Hey, Buff.
Need a hand? No, thanks.
I'm good.
So, all that other stuff in there? That's gonna sit in there, right? - No one owns it in the strictest sense.
- It seems wrong somehow.
- Dibs on the rowing machine.
- Buffy! - Hi, Giles.
- What's with the arsenal? I've been awake all night.
I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance, but I can't leave you out there to fight alone.
To hell with what's right.
I'm ready to back you up.
Let's find the evil and fight it together.
Great! Thanks! We'll get right on that.
- The evil is this way? - My room is.
Giles, can you get this box on top? So, college not so scary after all, huh? It's turning out to be a lot like high school, which I can handle.
At least I know what to expect.