Buffy the Vampire Slayer s05e02 Episode Script
Real Me
I've been going out a lot.
- Patrolling? - Hunting.
Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": That's what Dracula called it.
And he was right.
He understood my power better than I do.
He saw darkness in it.
I need to know more.
About where I come from.
About the other slayers.
I need you to be my watcher again.
Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap.
I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis.
As of this moment, it's over.
I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey! What are you doing here? Buffy? If you're going out, why don'tyou take your sister? Mom! There is nothing butyou.
You are the centre.
And within you, there is the core of your being.
Of whatyou are.
Find it.
Breathe into it.
Focus inward.
Let the world fall away, fall away, fall away.
Can we go now? Nobody knows who I am.
Not the real me.
It's like nobody cares enough to find out.
I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No.
Underline.
Exclamation point.
Exclamation point, exclamation point.
No one understands.
No one has an older sister who's a slayer.
People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live with her every single day.
Everybody cares what she thinks, just cos she can do backflips and stuff.
Like, that's such a crucial job skill in the real world.
Plus Mom lets her get away with everything.
"Your sister's saving the world.
" I could so save the world if somebody handed me superpowers, but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even.
If this town wasn't so lame, everyone would know what she does.
I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because, like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter.
So, Buffy, what are your plans today? Giles and I are gonna go to the magic shop for supplies for my newtraining sessions.
- That's great.
- Yeah, I'm actually You can take Dawn shopping for her back-to-school supplies.
- What? - Mom, I thoughtyou were taking me.
Honey, I've got the Gurion showing tonight and there's so much to do to get the gallery ready.
No, but, see, Mom, that doesn't really work for me.
We're going to the magic shop.
No school supplies there.
Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts.
Jeez, crack a book sometime.
I'm sure Giles doesn't mind dropping you off at the mall afterward.
Actually, he does mind.
This is supposed to be quality watcher/slayer time.
I told you, she ruined my training yesterday.
- Did not! - Oh, you know you did too.
Buffy, I realise the importance of your new slayer thing, but I could really use your help.
- Morning, Mrs Summers.
You look great.
- Oh, thank you, Riley.
- Suck-up.
- What? It's a nice outfit.
Besides, "I'm here to violate your first-born" never goes over with parents.
Not sure why.
Riley, my sister's boyfriend, is so into her.
They're always kissing and groping.
I bet they've had sex.
- Hey, kid.
- I'm not a kid.
Well, this is a surprise of the nicest kind.
Now it's my turn to be surprised.
I thought we had plans today.
Plans? We planned plans? Well, you said "Come over tomorrow and we'll hang" and then I said "OK".
Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.
Right.
- We're not hanging today, are we? - Giles is on his way to pick me up.
- Slayer training.
- Slayer shopping, actually.
- But equally as important.
- I have no doubt.
- OK, we'll hook up later.
- Are you mad at me? No, not at all.
I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way.
- Good.
- Look, Buffy, I know what this means to you.
I think it's great thatyou've got this new mission.
I'll see you tonight.
Bye.
- See ya, kid.
- I'm not a kid! I sympathise with you, I truly do.
But I'm certain that Riley understands better than anyone the importance of training.
You can't allow personal concerns to distractyou Dawn, will you stop fiddling with the radio and sit down? I don't think Buffy's watcher likes me too much.
I think it's cos he's just so old.
I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's gotta be pretty far gone.
There's a lot of books on this list.
Any come on tape, read by George Clooney? You're entering a new realm, one for which I myself am not entirely prepared.
- Are you ready for this commitment? - I'm just kidding.
This Betty's ready.
Colour me committed.
- Blast! - You put it in neutral again, huh? I'm just not used to this automatic transmission.
I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing.
- No, it's not working out.
- Are you breaking up with your car? Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty.
Little two-door tramp.
I don't know.
I was so at a loose end that I found myself searching for some way of feeling more Shallow? Perhaps, as I am to be your watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order.
Do I have to? I'm serious, Buffy.
There's going to be far less time for the sort of flighty, frivolous - Hey, there's Willow and Tara! - Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.
- Hey, Giles! Sharp wheels! - The rest of the car's nice, too.
- Handles like a dream.
- Where are you guys heading? Magic shop.
I have some charms on back order.
- Willow, hi.
- Hey, Dawny! How's my favourite chess partner? Still leading with your knight? Willow's awesome.
She's the only one I know who likes school as much as me.
Even her friends are cool.
- Hey, Dawn.
- Like Tara.
She and Willow are both witches.
They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying.
I told Mom I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together.
And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.
Huh.
I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft.
Giles and I worked out a schedule around school.
A block of time every day to just focus on my new slayer training.
That's a work ethic.
Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.
Oh, no.
Do they make an ointment for that? People gotta respect a solid work ethic.
Look atyou.
Motivated Buffy.
Eager to soak up learning.
You and I are gonna have so much fun this semester.
That reminds me.
With the whole new training schedule, I had to drop a class.
Your slayer studies are way more important.
So I won't be taking drama with you.
- What? You have to.
You promised! - I know, but Giles said that it just was - The hell with Giles.
- I can hear you, Willow.
Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
You can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
What about "people gotta respect a work ethic"? Other people, not me.
There's a whole best-friend loophole.
Shop's kinda dark.
Maybe it's closed.
That's odd.
Well, I think "odd" just got upped to "bad".
Hello? Anyone here? Mr Bogarty? The owner.
I come in here a lot.
Well, maybe this happened really late at night when nobody was Will? I'm fine, I just tripped over Mr Bogarty.
- What is it? Is he OK? - Nothing you need to see.
Go wait outside.
I don't wanna wait outside.
Ow, that hurts! You're hurting me.
I'm telling.
I don't have time for this.
Just do like I say and wait.
Here.
Whatyou doing? What are you doing here? You can't loiter.
There's no loitering.
That's why I'm a cat.
Quiet.
See, cat's in the cupboard, but they find you there anyway and it hurts.
Please make it stop.
- Shut up! They'll hear you! - Buffy! I know you.
Curds and whey.
I know whatyou are.
You don't belong here.
Dawn? Dawn? Dawn, are you OK? Is Is that guy dead in there? Yeah.
They're gonna be a little while longer, doing the detective thing.
Best non-Scoobies like you and me stay out of their way.
Do you wanna thumb-wrestle? OK.
Judging by the bitefest, I'd say it was more than one vampire.
I make it four at least.
Someone's put together a newfang club.
I've crosschecked the inventory list and things are definitely missing, mostly books.
Including A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer.
- Oh, shoot.
Was that the only copy? - Come on, Buffy, this could be very serious.
Whoever's leading this pack of vampires is interested in learning more aboutyou.
Perhaps searching for weaknesses or Good Lord.
What? Well, I had no idea the profit margins on a shop like this were so high.
Look at this.
Low-overhead out-of-state orders, international It's no wonder there's never any trouble attracting new owners.
- A place like this is a virtual - Deathtrap? Well, yes, there is that, but still.
Location, you know, pedestrian traffic So what's the next step? Buffy, you should begin looking for their lair straightaway.
- I'll get Riley to help me patrol.
- Aren'tyou forgetting something? - lmpressive square footage.
- You're on Dawn duty.
Oh, duty.
I gotta drop my sister back at home.
My mother's gonna kill me.
I bet the death rate keeps the rent down.
Hello.
Something's been taken from this case.
- Look here.
- What'd they take? I should think an item of value or power, possibly even A unicorn.
Ten-inch ceramic unicorn imported from Thailand.
- Was it valuable? - List price: $12.
95.
Which begs the question, what kind of creature fancies cheap, tasteless statuary? OK, hi.
First of all, I wanna thank everybody for a really successful raid on the magic shop last night.
Good job, minions! Yes, you deserve it.
Secondly, somebody remembered to pick me up the sweetest little unicorn.
What? Brad.
Guess someone was feeling guilty for standing me up in the tenth grade.
- I had to get her something.
She sired me.
- Sire-whipped.
Anyway, the books you brought me to help with the plan? I've been skimming through the book jackets and there's some useful stuff in there, so Yes Sorry, forgotyour name.
- Cyrus.
- Cyrus, right.
Peaches's friend.
- What's your question? - When are we gonna do it? Eww! That's rude! I barely know you.
And you're a minion.
He means the plan.
When are we gonna do the plan? The plan! Let me tell you, I'm really psyched about it and I hope the rest of you guys - When? - Tonight! We kill the Slayer tonight.
So not only didn'tyou take your sister shopping, you brought her to a murder scene.
No, I didn't bring her to it.
It just sorta came upon us.
It's not like she sawthe body or anything.
Oh, well.
That makes it all right then, doesn't it? No, that is not what I meant.
I asked one favour of you, Buffy.
To look after your sister.
And now you wanna unload her, so you and Riley can go out.
To patrol.
I'm working.
It's not like I wanna go to the sock hop.
I have to be at the pre-show reception in half an hour.
Who's gonna watch Dawn? - I don't need anyone to watch me! - Yes, you do.
Wait.
So whatyou're saying is if I can get an acceptable baby-sitter, I can go patrol? Baby-sitter? I'm 14! I'm old enough to be a baby-sitter.
And who are you gonna get on such short notice? I can take care of myself.
- Xander.
- Xander? OK.
- Dawn patrol.
- Hey.
Checkthis out.
They put cheese on round bread.
It's gonna be big.
Xander is so much cuter than anyone.
And smarter, too.
He totally skipped college and got a job working construction, which is so kind of deep, you know.
He builds things.
And he's brave, too.
Just last week he went undercover to stop that Dracula guy.
- Have fun.
Not too much fun, though.
- Dawn.
- Dawn, be good.
- We will.
We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy - I don't know his name.
Xander treats everyone like an equal.
He doesn't look down on people.
- Hello there, little girl.
- Even when he should.
We are gonna have fun, fun, fun! Look, I've got Monopoly, Clue and ooh, The Game of Life! That sounds good! Poor Dawn.
She was pretty shaken up.
Well, sure.
Bloody death and stuff.
She'll be OK.
It's just I think it's tough for her.
Not being able to allowed to, you know, help.
- Help? - Out.
You.
You guys.
The Slayer Circle.
Well, Buffy doesn't really need and I think Dawn's a little young.
I know.
You're right.
It's just hard.
That outsider feeling.
Tara, you're not an outsider.
Well, yeah, I kinda am.
No.
No, you're not.
Willow, it's OK.
Where does this go? Is somebody making you feel uncomfortable? - Is it Xander? It's Xander, isn't it? - Xander's a sweetie.
It's Giles! It's cos he's British and doesn't understand about stuff.
It's no one.
You guys all just have this really tight bond.
It's hard to break into that.
And I'm not even sure I want to.
I'm sure.
You're completely one of the gang now.
Everyone accepts that.
You're one of the good guys.
Maybe I can talkto the rest of the group and we can do something, some kind of Scooby initiation.
Maybe we can wear some kind of special ring that identifies us as members.
I don't think so.
But maybe something like that would be nice for Dawn.
- I do worry about her sometimes.
- You don't have to.
She's got big sister Buffy happily looking out for her.
So then my mom goes off on me about how I'm supposed to watch out for Dawn and shield her from stuff that might upset her.
- Like dead shopkeepers.
- She didn't see him.
A foot, maybe.
A dead foot, which is bad, OK.
But hello! I see dead stuff all the time and you don't see Mom shielding me.
So, you wantyour mother to give you space to be a slayer and shield you from it at the same time? Thank you, Logic Boy.
Did I mention, this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.
I'm getting that.
What's the deal, Buffy? You seem really Trash can.
From a distance it looked kinda tense.
No, I was gonna say brown, squat, shadowy.
Uh-huh.
Backto what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing.
You seem really tense.
Yeah, there's a new vampire gang in town.
I mean domestically tense.
You're on Dawn's case a lot.
I guess.
It's just I don't know I know it's always been this way.
She's the baby.
But for some reason, lately, it's just really getting to me.
She's always around.
- Well, yeah.
You're, like, her idol, Buffy.
- Her idol? I don't think so, unless you like to spill things on your idol's new leather pants and You know what I mean.
You have superpowers and college, a studly yet sensitive boyfriend And a pesky life-or-death job that I can't quit or even take a break from.
She doesn't get the sacrifices.
She's a kid.
And that's what bugs.
She gets to be a kid and she acts like it's the biggest burden in the world.
Sometimes I would like to curl up in Mom's lap and not worry about the fate of the world.
I'd like to be the one who's protected, who's waited on hand and foot, getting her own way.
Always the favourite.
You nut.
Your mom loves you both equally.
But if I'm wrong, I find money usually helps tip the scale.
Slip Joyce a 10 or a 20 once in a while.
Then we'll see who's the favourite.
- He says I'm like a kid sister.
- Here come the judge! But sometimes when he looks at me, lfeel like he sees me as I am.
As a woman.
Crap! Look at this! Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
That means you're winning.
- Really? - Yes.
Cash equals good.
I'm so pleased.
Can I trade in the children for more cash? "Slayer, come out and die.
" I'm waiting for you, Buffy.
I know you're in there.
What do you mean, she's not in there? She has to be.
I'm calling her out! Then I bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call.
You and your buddies'll have to be killed by Buffy later.
They're not my buddies.
They're my minions.
- They're what, now? - Minions.
You know, lackeys? They work for me.
What's so funny? Nothing.
What could be funny? Just "Look out! It's the terrifying Harmony gang.
" Stop laughing! I just can't picture anyone pathetic enough to be following Is that Brad Konig? Who'd have thought when you beat up kids in gym class, you'd end up Harmony's lapdog? Screw you, Harris.
You should know all about being somebody's lapdog.
I hear you were a good puppy for Dracula.
- You heard wrong.
- Don't feel bad.
I hear that mind-control thing he does works really well on weak fraidy-cat losers.
- You didn't stand a chance.
- Shut up! Dawn, I'm handling this.
- Shut up, Harmony.
- Make me.
I don't feel like another hair-pulling contest with you.
You're the hair-puller, you big girl! Come inside and say that.
Xander'll kick your Dawn, no! The invitation was for one.
Not such a pushover any more, am I? The Slayer's house should have more weapons.
I've been working out, learning some newtricks, honing my instincts.
This isn't over, Xander! I'll be back! And we'll be ready for ya! Stakes, crosses, the whole enchilada.
Buffy is not gonna be happy about this.
Harmony.
Harmony has minions? Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just Harmony has minions.
And Ruffles have ridges.
Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this.
I sure hope so, cos I'm having trouble breathing.
- What is it? - Well, she did come here to kill you.
Buffy, come on.
They have killed once that we know of.
She could be a threat to you.
Especially nowthat she can enter your house any time she wants.
What? Yeah, actually, she - Harmony - kind of happened to sorta get an invite.
You guys can't invite her in.
Only someone who lives here can Where is she? In her room.
Look, I think she's still pretty freaked out.
- Dawn! - It was an accident.
She didn't mean it.
Well, that just makes it OK then, doesn't it? No, but believe me, nobody feels worse than her right now.
What a total disaster.
My first plan.
I so wanted it to go well.
Plus, I didn't even get to kill stupid Xander Harris.
That was so embarrassing.
- We'll go back later.
- No.
It's no good.
Buffy's gonna expect us now.
The whole surprise is blown.
- Who are you growling at? - Not me, my stomach.
- If I don't eat somebody, I'll get dizzy.
- Let's go to the lair.
- That census taker may not be empty yet.
- Not me.
This night is young and I want some action.
Happy to oblige.
I thought it was gonna be a slow night.
Step on up, kiddies.
Thrashings for all.
Stop! Well Hello, Harm.
Spikey.
I mean, Spike.
Long time.
You look good.
- I feel good.
- I remember.
- How have you been? - Not bad.
Just got a brand-newtelly in my crypt, so - Why are you talking to him? - It's OK.
We used to go steady.
- Spike, Mort.
Mort, this is - I know who he is.
He kills our kind.
Oh, yeah.
What's up with that? Bloke's gotta have a hobby, don't he? Piss off, Mort.
Mort, just give us a couple of minutes, OK? He's really testy.
Some of us are thinking of voting him out of the gang.
- Gang? - Oh, yeah.
I've got my own gang now.
- Is that what those circus freaks are? - Uh-huh.
I mean shut up.
- We're gonna kill the Slayer.
- Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least getyour own tune.
I'm not gonna make the mistakes you did.
I've been doing my homework, reading books.
What, Evilfor Dummies? Look atyou, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad.
It's Well, let's face it, it's adorable.
You just can't stand the fact that I'm my own person now.
There comes a time in a woman's life when she realises she needs to take the next step.
I've taken it.
I've found the real me and I like her.
Hope you'll be very happy together.
In the meantime, save slayer-slaying for the professionals.
You'll see.
Buffy'll be dead by sunrise.
I've got a plan.
Let me guess.
Snatch one of her friends, use 'em as bait, lead her into a trap.
That sort of thing? No.
Much, much better one.
I'm not gonna tell you! Thought as much.
Best of luck.
Let me know howthis archvillain thing works out for you.
I'll do that.
And after Buffy is gone, I'm gonna kill everybody in this town that was ever mean to me.
Spike! Guys! New plan.
A lot of weapons for somebody you weren't sweating.
That was before Dawn gave Harmony a pass to kill us all in our sleep.
Buff, Willow'll come do a return engagement of her uninvitation spell.
She still has the stuff from last week.
You're back in the Fortress of Solitude.
- All better.
- No.
Not all better.
It's not like Dawn hasn't grown up in this house knowing all the rules.
Especially the biggie! Numero one-o.
"Do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our home.
" I mean, please.
I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.
People slip, Buffy.
Your mom did.
She invited in the mas Dracula in for coffee.
Well, that was different.
I mean, she He would She was lonely and she didn't know he was a vampire.
The vampire.
Dawn knew exactly what Harmony was when she rolled out the welcome mat for her.
- She's just a kid.
- Will everybody please stop saying that? I was just a kid when I met my first vampire, but I still managed to remember the rules.
You had to.
It was your job.
No.
No, it was common sense.
But nobody expects even that much from Dawn, do they? No.
She has to be protected and coddled from the big bad world.
We are doing nothing but turning her into a little idiot who is going to get us all killed.
She just has to be more careful.
Now, I can't be there to protect her 24 hours a day.
I just can't.
Hey! Don't! Dawn! - What are you doing? - Leave me alone.
I will after you come back inside the house.
- Let go of me! - No, it's not safe out here.
You got that right.
Anya! Vampires took This head wound looks bad.
We better get her to a hospital.
- They took her - Easy.
Sh, sh.
Dawn.
Dawn? What about Dawn? She ran out.
They took her.
Vampires.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Take care of Anya.
Buffy! All right.
Once again, nice work, minionators.
I'm really, really proud of you guys.
Ah, Mort.
I trustyou made our guest comfortable? You told me to chain her to a wall.
Yeah, I know.
I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever.
Anyway, I'm feeling really good about this new plan, people.
I think it's a winner.
- When do we eat the girl? - We don't.
Notyet.
- Why not? - Because that's not the plan.
Do I have to go over the plan again? We use the sister as bait.
We send Buffy a note More notes? We send Buffy a note, telling her that if she wants to see her sister again, she has to come alone to a place we choose.
She comes, we jump her, we kill her.
So it doesn't matter if we're actually holding the Slayer's sister.
Just as long as she thinks we are, she'll walk into the trap.
I guess.
So we can eat the girl now.
- We're not eating the girl.
- Why not? Because that's not the plan.
Bollocks.
Gonna have to pinch one of those satellite dishes.
Well, speaking of dishes, to what do I owe this unpleasant sur Bloody hell! I don't have time for banter.
Where's Harmony's lair? Haven't seen her in months.
How should I know? - Where is she? - At least lay off the nose.
OK, OK! Used to have a cave in the north woods.
About 40 metres past the overpass construction site.
I was telling you the truth! I know.
They don't respect me.
They pretend they do, but deep down they think I'm nothing.
I mean, I'm the one who put this group together.
Me! But they treat me like I don't even matter.
Do you have any idea what that feels like? A little.
They have no idea how much pressure I'm under.
I have to make all the hard decisions.
And it's hard! Excuse me.
I didn't hear anybody knock.
We've been talking it over and we decided we don't like this plan.
Except for Brad.
He abstained.
Oh, really? You have a plan you like better? We're gonna feed on the girl and kill you.
Maybe not in that order.
I don't think I like your attitude, Mort.
Kill him for me.
All right.
You're all on my list.
This isn't fair.
OK, so things haven't been perfect.
I just need a little more time to grow into my leadership role.
Time's up.
Touch me and my sister's gonna kill you.
Can't say she didn't warn him.
- And you didn't like the plan.
- Dawn, close your eyes.
So, Slayer, at last we meet.
We've met, Harmony, you halfwit.
I'm the halfwit? Excuse me, but look who's fallen into my trap.
Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad.
When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were bad.
But when you try to be bad, you suck.
Buffy, watch out! Good shot, Mort! I think you got her on the You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home.
Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Fine.
I'll tell her you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, thatyou gotAnya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped Sorry it ran so late.
Everything go OK? Yeah.
Yeah, you know.
I got the vamps and we watched some TV.
Well, I know at least one of us who's supposed to be in bed by now.
Good night.
- So how was the exhibit? - It was fantastic.
Buffy probably would've gotten in way more trouble than me anyway.
But I guess it was pretty OK of her not to say anything to Mom.
Anya's gonna be OK and Xander wasn't mad at me.
So stuff mostly worked out.
- Giles, are you sure about this? - Why wouldn't I be? Most magic-shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer.
- And have you ever run a store before? - I was a librarian for years.
This is the same, except people pay for the things they never return.
It'll give me focus, help increase my resources.
And it'll preventyou lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours.
There may even be space for you to train in the back.
Boy, you've really thought this through.
How bored were you lastyear? I watched Passions with Spike.
Let us never speak of it.
Don't break anything.
Just don't touch anything.
Not that Buffy's really changed at all.
Like she ever would.
Whatyou're doing right now, not moving? Good.
Keep doing that.
She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody, just her dumb little sister.
Boy, is she in for a surprise!
- Patrolling? - Hunting.
Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": That's what Dracula called it.
And he was right.
He understood my power better than I do.
He saw darkness in it.
I need to know more.
About where I come from.
About the other slayers.
I need you to be my watcher again.
Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap.
I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis.
As of this moment, it's over.
I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey! What are you doing here? Buffy? If you're going out, why don'tyou take your sister? Mom! There is nothing butyou.
You are the centre.
And within you, there is the core of your being.
Of whatyou are.
Find it.
Breathe into it.
Focus inward.
Let the world fall away, fall away, fall away.
Can we go now? Nobody knows who I am.
Not the real me.
It's like nobody cares enough to find out.
I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No.
Underline.
Exclamation point.
Exclamation point, exclamation point.
No one understands.
No one has an older sister who's a slayer.
People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live with her every single day.
Everybody cares what she thinks, just cos she can do backflips and stuff.
Like, that's such a crucial job skill in the real world.
Plus Mom lets her get away with everything.
"Your sister's saving the world.
" I could so save the world if somebody handed me superpowers, but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even.
If this town wasn't so lame, everyone would know what she does.
I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because, like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter.
So, Buffy, what are your plans today? Giles and I are gonna go to the magic shop for supplies for my newtraining sessions.
- That's great.
- Yeah, I'm actually You can take Dawn shopping for her back-to-school supplies.
- What? - Mom, I thoughtyou were taking me.
Honey, I've got the Gurion showing tonight and there's so much to do to get the gallery ready.
No, but, see, Mom, that doesn't really work for me.
We're going to the magic shop.
No school supplies there.
Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts.
Jeez, crack a book sometime.
I'm sure Giles doesn't mind dropping you off at the mall afterward.
Actually, he does mind.
This is supposed to be quality watcher/slayer time.
I told you, she ruined my training yesterday.
- Did not! - Oh, you know you did too.
Buffy, I realise the importance of your new slayer thing, but I could really use your help.
- Morning, Mrs Summers.
You look great.
- Oh, thank you, Riley.
- Suck-up.
- What? It's a nice outfit.
Besides, "I'm here to violate your first-born" never goes over with parents.
Not sure why.
Riley, my sister's boyfriend, is so into her.
They're always kissing and groping.
I bet they've had sex.
- Hey, kid.
- I'm not a kid.
Well, this is a surprise of the nicest kind.
Now it's my turn to be surprised.
I thought we had plans today.
Plans? We planned plans? Well, you said "Come over tomorrow and we'll hang" and then I said "OK".
Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.
Right.
- We're not hanging today, are we? - Giles is on his way to pick me up.
- Slayer training.
- Slayer shopping, actually.
- But equally as important.
- I have no doubt.
- OK, we'll hook up later.
- Are you mad at me? No, not at all.
I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way.
- Good.
- Look, Buffy, I know what this means to you.
I think it's great thatyou've got this new mission.
I'll see you tonight.
Bye.
- See ya, kid.
- I'm not a kid! I sympathise with you, I truly do.
But I'm certain that Riley understands better than anyone the importance of training.
You can't allow personal concerns to distractyou Dawn, will you stop fiddling with the radio and sit down? I don't think Buffy's watcher likes me too much.
I think it's cos he's just so old.
I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's gotta be pretty far gone.
There's a lot of books on this list.
Any come on tape, read by George Clooney? You're entering a new realm, one for which I myself am not entirely prepared.
- Are you ready for this commitment? - I'm just kidding.
This Betty's ready.
Colour me committed.
- Blast! - You put it in neutral again, huh? I'm just not used to this automatic transmission.
I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing.
- No, it's not working out.
- Are you breaking up with your car? Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty.
Little two-door tramp.
I don't know.
I was so at a loose end that I found myself searching for some way of feeling more Shallow? Perhaps, as I am to be your watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order.
Do I have to? I'm serious, Buffy.
There's going to be far less time for the sort of flighty, frivolous - Hey, there's Willow and Tara! - Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.
- Hey, Giles! Sharp wheels! - The rest of the car's nice, too.
- Handles like a dream.
- Where are you guys heading? Magic shop.
I have some charms on back order.
- Willow, hi.
- Hey, Dawny! How's my favourite chess partner? Still leading with your knight? Willow's awesome.
She's the only one I know who likes school as much as me.
Even her friends are cool.
- Hey, Dawn.
- Like Tara.
She and Willow are both witches.
They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying.
I told Mom I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together.
And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.
Huh.
I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft.
Giles and I worked out a schedule around school.
A block of time every day to just focus on my new slayer training.
That's a work ethic.
Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.
Oh, no.
Do they make an ointment for that? People gotta respect a solid work ethic.
Look atyou.
Motivated Buffy.
Eager to soak up learning.
You and I are gonna have so much fun this semester.
That reminds me.
With the whole new training schedule, I had to drop a class.
Your slayer studies are way more important.
So I won't be taking drama with you.
- What? You have to.
You promised! - I know, but Giles said that it just was - The hell with Giles.
- I can hear you, Willow.
Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
You can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
What about "people gotta respect a work ethic"? Other people, not me.
There's a whole best-friend loophole.
Shop's kinda dark.
Maybe it's closed.
That's odd.
Well, I think "odd" just got upped to "bad".
Hello? Anyone here? Mr Bogarty? The owner.
I come in here a lot.
Well, maybe this happened really late at night when nobody was Will? I'm fine, I just tripped over Mr Bogarty.
- What is it? Is he OK? - Nothing you need to see.
Go wait outside.
I don't wanna wait outside.
Ow, that hurts! You're hurting me.
I'm telling.
I don't have time for this.
Just do like I say and wait.
Here.
Whatyou doing? What are you doing here? You can't loiter.
There's no loitering.
That's why I'm a cat.
Quiet.
See, cat's in the cupboard, but they find you there anyway and it hurts.
Please make it stop.
- Shut up! They'll hear you! - Buffy! I know you.
Curds and whey.
I know whatyou are.
You don't belong here.
Dawn? Dawn? Dawn, are you OK? Is Is that guy dead in there? Yeah.
They're gonna be a little while longer, doing the detective thing.
Best non-Scoobies like you and me stay out of their way.
Do you wanna thumb-wrestle? OK.
Judging by the bitefest, I'd say it was more than one vampire.
I make it four at least.
Someone's put together a newfang club.
I've crosschecked the inventory list and things are definitely missing, mostly books.
Including A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer.
- Oh, shoot.
Was that the only copy? - Come on, Buffy, this could be very serious.
Whoever's leading this pack of vampires is interested in learning more aboutyou.
Perhaps searching for weaknesses or Good Lord.
What? Well, I had no idea the profit margins on a shop like this were so high.
Look at this.
Low-overhead out-of-state orders, international It's no wonder there's never any trouble attracting new owners.
- A place like this is a virtual - Deathtrap? Well, yes, there is that, but still.
Location, you know, pedestrian traffic So what's the next step? Buffy, you should begin looking for their lair straightaway.
- I'll get Riley to help me patrol.
- Aren'tyou forgetting something? - lmpressive square footage.
- You're on Dawn duty.
Oh, duty.
I gotta drop my sister back at home.
My mother's gonna kill me.
I bet the death rate keeps the rent down.
Hello.
Something's been taken from this case.
- Look here.
- What'd they take? I should think an item of value or power, possibly even A unicorn.
Ten-inch ceramic unicorn imported from Thailand.
- Was it valuable? - List price: $12.
95.
Which begs the question, what kind of creature fancies cheap, tasteless statuary? OK, hi.
First of all, I wanna thank everybody for a really successful raid on the magic shop last night.
Good job, minions! Yes, you deserve it.
Secondly, somebody remembered to pick me up the sweetest little unicorn.
What? Brad.
Guess someone was feeling guilty for standing me up in the tenth grade.
- I had to get her something.
She sired me.
- Sire-whipped.
Anyway, the books you brought me to help with the plan? I've been skimming through the book jackets and there's some useful stuff in there, so Yes Sorry, forgotyour name.
- Cyrus.
- Cyrus, right.
Peaches's friend.
- What's your question? - When are we gonna do it? Eww! That's rude! I barely know you.
And you're a minion.
He means the plan.
When are we gonna do the plan? The plan! Let me tell you, I'm really psyched about it and I hope the rest of you guys - When? - Tonight! We kill the Slayer tonight.
So not only didn'tyou take your sister shopping, you brought her to a murder scene.
No, I didn't bring her to it.
It just sorta came upon us.
It's not like she sawthe body or anything.
Oh, well.
That makes it all right then, doesn't it? No, that is not what I meant.
I asked one favour of you, Buffy.
To look after your sister.
And now you wanna unload her, so you and Riley can go out.
To patrol.
I'm working.
It's not like I wanna go to the sock hop.
I have to be at the pre-show reception in half an hour.
Who's gonna watch Dawn? - I don't need anyone to watch me! - Yes, you do.
Wait.
So whatyou're saying is if I can get an acceptable baby-sitter, I can go patrol? Baby-sitter? I'm 14! I'm old enough to be a baby-sitter.
And who are you gonna get on such short notice? I can take care of myself.
- Xander.
- Xander? OK.
- Dawn patrol.
- Hey.
Checkthis out.
They put cheese on round bread.
It's gonna be big.
Xander is so much cuter than anyone.
And smarter, too.
He totally skipped college and got a job working construction, which is so kind of deep, you know.
He builds things.
And he's brave, too.
Just last week he went undercover to stop that Dracula guy.
- Have fun.
Not too much fun, though.
- Dawn.
- Dawn, be good.
- We will.
We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy - I don't know his name.
Xander treats everyone like an equal.
He doesn't look down on people.
- Hello there, little girl.
- Even when he should.
We are gonna have fun, fun, fun! Look, I've got Monopoly, Clue and ooh, The Game of Life! That sounds good! Poor Dawn.
She was pretty shaken up.
Well, sure.
Bloody death and stuff.
She'll be OK.
It's just I think it's tough for her.
Not being able to allowed to, you know, help.
- Help? - Out.
You.
You guys.
The Slayer Circle.
Well, Buffy doesn't really need and I think Dawn's a little young.
I know.
You're right.
It's just hard.
That outsider feeling.
Tara, you're not an outsider.
Well, yeah, I kinda am.
No.
No, you're not.
Willow, it's OK.
Where does this go? Is somebody making you feel uncomfortable? - Is it Xander? It's Xander, isn't it? - Xander's a sweetie.
It's Giles! It's cos he's British and doesn't understand about stuff.
It's no one.
You guys all just have this really tight bond.
It's hard to break into that.
And I'm not even sure I want to.
I'm sure.
You're completely one of the gang now.
Everyone accepts that.
You're one of the good guys.
Maybe I can talkto the rest of the group and we can do something, some kind of Scooby initiation.
Maybe we can wear some kind of special ring that identifies us as members.
I don't think so.
But maybe something like that would be nice for Dawn.
- I do worry about her sometimes.
- You don't have to.
She's got big sister Buffy happily looking out for her.
So then my mom goes off on me about how I'm supposed to watch out for Dawn and shield her from stuff that might upset her.
- Like dead shopkeepers.
- She didn't see him.
A foot, maybe.
A dead foot, which is bad, OK.
But hello! I see dead stuff all the time and you don't see Mom shielding me.
So, you wantyour mother to give you space to be a slayer and shield you from it at the same time? Thank you, Logic Boy.
Did I mention, this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.
I'm getting that.
What's the deal, Buffy? You seem really Trash can.
From a distance it looked kinda tense.
No, I was gonna say brown, squat, shadowy.
Uh-huh.
Backto what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing.
You seem really tense.
Yeah, there's a new vampire gang in town.
I mean domestically tense.
You're on Dawn's case a lot.
I guess.
It's just I don't know I know it's always been this way.
She's the baby.
But for some reason, lately, it's just really getting to me.
She's always around.
- Well, yeah.
You're, like, her idol, Buffy.
- Her idol? I don't think so, unless you like to spill things on your idol's new leather pants and You know what I mean.
You have superpowers and college, a studly yet sensitive boyfriend And a pesky life-or-death job that I can't quit or even take a break from.
She doesn't get the sacrifices.
She's a kid.
And that's what bugs.
She gets to be a kid and she acts like it's the biggest burden in the world.
Sometimes I would like to curl up in Mom's lap and not worry about the fate of the world.
I'd like to be the one who's protected, who's waited on hand and foot, getting her own way.
Always the favourite.
You nut.
Your mom loves you both equally.
But if I'm wrong, I find money usually helps tip the scale.
Slip Joyce a 10 or a 20 once in a while.
Then we'll see who's the favourite.
- He says I'm like a kid sister.
- Here come the judge! But sometimes when he looks at me, lfeel like he sees me as I am.
As a woman.
Crap! Look at this! Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
That means you're winning.
- Really? - Yes.
Cash equals good.
I'm so pleased.
Can I trade in the children for more cash? "Slayer, come out and die.
" I'm waiting for you, Buffy.
I know you're in there.
What do you mean, she's not in there? She has to be.
I'm calling her out! Then I bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call.
You and your buddies'll have to be killed by Buffy later.
They're not my buddies.
They're my minions.
- They're what, now? - Minions.
You know, lackeys? They work for me.
What's so funny? Nothing.
What could be funny? Just "Look out! It's the terrifying Harmony gang.
" Stop laughing! I just can't picture anyone pathetic enough to be following Is that Brad Konig? Who'd have thought when you beat up kids in gym class, you'd end up Harmony's lapdog? Screw you, Harris.
You should know all about being somebody's lapdog.
I hear you were a good puppy for Dracula.
- You heard wrong.
- Don't feel bad.
I hear that mind-control thing he does works really well on weak fraidy-cat losers.
- You didn't stand a chance.
- Shut up! Dawn, I'm handling this.
- Shut up, Harmony.
- Make me.
I don't feel like another hair-pulling contest with you.
You're the hair-puller, you big girl! Come inside and say that.
Xander'll kick your Dawn, no! The invitation was for one.
Not such a pushover any more, am I? The Slayer's house should have more weapons.
I've been working out, learning some newtricks, honing my instincts.
This isn't over, Xander! I'll be back! And we'll be ready for ya! Stakes, crosses, the whole enchilada.
Buffy is not gonna be happy about this.
Harmony.
Harmony has minions? Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just Harmony has minions.
And Ruffles have ridges.
Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this.
I sure hope so, cos I'm having trouble breathing.
- What is it? - Well, she did come here to kill you.
Buffy, come on.
They have killed once that we know of.
She could be a threat to you.
Especially nowthat she can enter your house any time she wants.
What? Yeah, actually, she - Harmony - kind of happened to sorta get an invite.
You guys can't invite her in.
Only someone who lives here can Where is she? In her room.
Look, I think she's still pretty freaked out.
- Dawn! - It was an accident.
She didn't mean it.
Well, that just makes it OK then, doesn't it? No, but believe me, nobody feels worse than her right now.
What a total disaster.
My first plan.
I so wanted it to go well.
Plus, I didn't even get to kill stupid Xander Harris.
That was so embarrassing.
- We'll go back later.
- No.
It's no good.
Buffy's gonna expect us now.
The whole surprise is blown.
- Who are you growling at? - Not me, my stomach.
- If I don't eat somebody, I'll get dizzy.
- Let's go to the lair.
- That census taker may not be empty yet.
- Not me.
This night is young and I want some action.
Happy to oblige.
I thought it was gonna be a slow night.
Step on up, kiddies.
Thrashings for all.
Stop! Well Hello, Harm.
Spikey.
I mean, Spike.
Long time.
You look good.
- I feel good.
- I remember.
- How have you been? - Not bad.
Just got a brand-newtelly in my crypt, so - Why are you talking to him? - It's OK.
We used to go steady.
- Spike, Mort.
Mort, this is - I know who he is.
He kills our kind.
Oh, yeah.
What's up with that? Bloke's gotta have a hobby, don't he? Piss off, Mort.
Mort, just give us a couple of minutes, OK? He's really testy.
Some of us are thinking of voting him out of the gang.
- Gang? - Oh, yeah.
I've got my own gang now.
- Is that what those circus freaks are? - Uh-huh.
I mean shut up.
- We're gonna kill the Slayer.
- Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least getyour own tune.
I'm not gonna make the mistakes you did.
I've been doing my homework, reading books.
What, Evilfor Dummies? Look atyou, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad.
It's Well, let's face it, it's adorable.
You just can't stand the fact that I'm my own person now.
There comes a time in a woman's life when she realises she needs to take the next step.
I've taken it.
I've found the real me and I like her.
Hope you'll be very happy together.
In the meantime, save slayer-slaying for the professionals.
You'll see.
Buffy'll be dead by sunrise.
I've got a plan.
Let me guess.
Snatch one of her friends, use 'em as bait, lead her into a trap.
That sort of thing? No.
Much, much better one.
I'm not gonna tell you! Thought as much.
Best of luck.
Let me know howthis archvillain thing works out for you.
I'll do that.
And after Buffy is gone, I'm gonna kill everybody in this town that was ever mean to me.
Spike! Guys! New plan.
A lot of weapons for somebody you weren't sweating.
That was before Dawn gave Harmony a pass to kill us all in our sleep.
Buff, Willow'll come do a return engagement of her uninvitation spell.
She still has the stuff from last week.
You're back in the Fortress of Solitude.
- All better.
- No.
Not all better.
It's not like Dawn hasn't grown up in this house knowing all the rules.
Especially the biggie! Numero one-o.
"Do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our home.
" I mean, please.
I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.
People slip, Buffy.
Your mom did.
She invited in the mas Dracula in for coffee.
Well, that was different.
I mean, she He would She was lonely and she didn't know he was a vampire.
The vampire.
Dawn knew exactly what Harmony was when she rolled out the welcome mat for her.
- She's just a kid.
- Will everybody please stop saying that? I was just a kid when I met my first vampire, but I still managed to remember the rules.
You had to.
It was your job.
No.
No, it was common sense.
But nobody expects even that much from Dawn, do they? No.
She has to be protected and coddled from the big bad world.
We are doing nothing but turning her into a little idiot who is going to get us all killed.
She just has to be more careful.
Now, I can't be there to protect her 24 hours a day.
I just can't.
Hey! Don't! Dawn! - What are you doing? - Leave me alone.
I will after you come back inside the house.
- Let go of me! - No, it's not safe out here.
You got that right.
Anya! Vampires took This head wound looks bad.
We better get her to a hospital.
- They took her - Easy.
Sh, sh.
Dawn.
Dawn? What about Dawn? She ran out.
They took her.
Vampires.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Take care of Anya.
Buffy! All right.
Once again, nice work, minionators.
I'm really, really proud of you guys.
Ah, Mort.
I trustyou made our guest comfortable? You told me to chain her to a wall.
Yeah, I know.
I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever.
Anyway, I'm feeling really good about this new plan, people.
I think it's a winner.
- When do we eat the girl? - We don't.
Notyet.
- Why not? - Because that's not the plan.
Do I have to go over the plan again? We use the sister as bait.
We send Buffy a note More notes? We send Buffy a note, telling her that if she wants to see her sister again, she has to come alone to a place we choose.
She comes, we jump her, we kill her.
So it doesn't matter if we're actually holding the Slayer's sister.
Just as long as she thinks we are, she'll walk into the trap.
I guess.
So we can eat the girl now.
- We're not eating the girl.
- Why not? Because that's not the plan.
Bollocks.
Gonna have to pinch one of those satellite dishes.
Well, speaking of dishes, to what do I owe this unpleasant sur Bloody hell! I don't have time for banter.
Where's Harmony's lair? Haven't seen her in months.
How should I know? - Where is she? - At least lay off the nose.
OK, OK! Used to have a cave in the north woods.
About 40 metres past the overpass construction site.
I was telling you the truth! I know.
They don't respect me.
They pretend they do, but deep down they think I'm nothing.
I mean, I'm the one who put this group together.
Me! But they treat me like I don't even matter.
Do you have any idea what that feels like? A little.
They have no idea how much pressure I'm under.
I have to make all the hard decisions.
And it's hard! Excuse me.
I didn't hear anybody knock.
We've been talking it over and we decided we don't like this plan.
Except for Brad.
He abstained.
Oh, really? You have a plan you like better? We're gonna feed on the girl and kill you.
Maybe not in that order.
I don't think I like your attitude, Mort.
Kill him for me.
All right.
You're all on my list.
This isn't fair.
OK, so things haven't been perfect.
I just need a little more time to grow into my leadership role.
Time's up.
Touch me and my sister's gonna kill you.
Can't say she didn't warn him.
- And you didn't like the plan.
- Dawn, close your eyes.
So, Slayer, at last we meet.
We've met, Harmony, you halfwit.
I'm the halfwit? Excuse me, but look who's fallen into my trap.
Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad.
When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were bad.
But when you try to be bad, you suck.
Buffy, watch out! Good shot, Mort! I think you got her on the You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home.
Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Fine.
I'll tell her you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, thatyou gotAnya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped Sorry it ran so late.
Everything go OK? Yeah.
Yeah, you know.
I got the vamps and we watched some TV.
Well, I know at least one of us who's supposed to be in bed by now.
Good night.
- So how was the exhibit? - It was fantastic.
Buffy probably would've gotten in way more trouble than me anyway.
But I guess it was pretty OK of her not to say anything to Mom.
Anya's gonna be OK and Xander wasn't mad at me.
So stuff mostly worked out.
- Giles, are you sure about this? - Why wouldn't I be? Most magic-shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer.
- And have you ever run a store before? - I was a librarian for years.
This is the same, except people pay for the things they never return.
It'll give me focus, help increase my resources.
And it'll preventyou lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours.
There may even be space for you to train in the back.
Boy, you've really thought this through.
How bored were you lastyear? I watched Passions with Spike.
Let us never speak of it.
Don't break anything.
Just don't touch anything.
Not that Buffy's really changed at all.
Like she ever would.
Whatyou're doing right now, not moving? Good.
Keep doing that.
She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody, just her dumb little sister.
Boy, is she in for a surprise!