Bullet in the Face (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

Kiss Me Thrice

1 (Man on radio): Good morning, Bruteville! It's 130 °.
Make sure to wear your sunscreen and body armour as we play this blast from the past.
Love Love will keep us together Ah! Huh? I don't want any trouble.
Then you shouldn't order it for breakfast! (Thugs grunt) Hmm! Ah! I guess assholes come in pairs! (Sizzling, thug screaming) (Glass shattering) (Knife buzzing) (Thugs): Ah! (Buzzing stops) Shit! (Muffled screams) Is he good? Is he bad? Psychopath or sexy cad? Sinner, saint? The sinner fell But the saint wound up in hell We took his face Gave him another He changed his place Bullet in the face - (Grunts) - Look who's back.
Not so fast, tough guy.
Last time I saw you, you told me I had a traitor in my organization.
Liar! These goons would never think of betraying me.
You know why? Because my goons don't think.
They don't take a leak without asking permission first.
Watch.
Joey, stand on one foot.
Good.
Now, rub your tummy, pat your head.
Very good.
Sal, same thing.
Cursory! You got big "keejones"! And a big vocabulary to match.
I like that.
I like that a lot.
OK, where was I? Why you're here.
Tannhäuser has always had more cops on the take on his payroll than me.
And I feel like, you know, corruption in this city needs to be more fair and balanced.
I want a heavy hitter from inside the department to find Tannhäuser and kill that Eurotrash for me.
Hey, dipstick, knock it off.
But the problem is, no one can find him.
Tannhäuser's whereabouts are "unknown.
" And I hear, wherever his whereabouts are, he never leaves them.
He's agoraphobic.
I could give a shit he's afraid of agora.
He should be afraid of me! Man, when I find him, I'm gonna chop him up in little pieces and sprinkle him on a pizza, not even fresh-made, the frozen kind that kids pop in the microwave when their mothers are hung over.
(Chuckles) So before I pay you a dime, I gotta be dead certain you are my man.
Otherwise, you're a dead man.
'Cause I get the distinct impression, call it my instincts, you're the kind of guy who would bite the hand that feeds him.
Am I right? Hey, don't! God, you're hardcore! (Laughing) Woman understands the child more than man, but man is the child more than woman.
(Martine, French accent): Morning, darling! Be thankful we're not sleeping in the same bed.
Our baby kicked all night.
The child will probably be a soccer player.
You and Gunter were very close at the end, weren't you? Did you miss him? I shot him.
Yeah, when you shot him, did you miss him? I've been studying a recent phone bill of yours very closely and you made numerous calls to Gunter's old number.
Why? I forgot to delete the number, I must have hit speed dial by mistake.
Do not lie to me.
Those conversations were too long and too numerous to be to nobody.
They were to somebody.
I want to know to who.
Do you want me to do a bird impression? I'll do an owl.
Hoo! Hoo! I am not your property, Tannhäuser.
I will go to the city now and never return.
(Remote beeps, metal clanks) No! You would never harm the mother of your unborn child.
Yeah, I might harm the mother of my recently born child.
Hmm? Maybe after I cut the umbilical cord, then I'll become a single parent.
Please! I need to see my obstetrician.
- Hmm? - OK.
Go.
But wherever you go, you'll be accompanied by Miss Leibwachter.
(Sighs) Your trainer.
Yeah.
She's legally a woman now, due to the miracles of hormone-replacement therapy.
Science! So wherever you go, you'll have this little lamb following you, reporting back to me on everything you do.
You'll not be able to pull the wool over my eyes.
Go.
Facial transplants are susceptible to injury.
The slightest bruise can cause infection or even death.
Good bedside manner, Dr.
Mengele.
Where did you get those bruises? From a bar fight.
There was no alcohol in your system.
It was a juice bar.
Leave us.
You met with Racken this morning.
I was following orders to follow you, Gunter.
Commissioner Eva has had you under surveillance from the beginning.
Oh, come on! You wave that around so much, I'm not intimidated by it.
Either use it, or put it away.
Heh heh! (Grunts, moans) You can't play both sides, Gunter.
You planning to double-cross me? Lady, you're the one that gave me 2 faces.
(Hagerman): Damn you, Gunter! Guns are not meant to be used during conversation! Silence! I once shot a man during a spelling bee, right in the middle of a vowel.
He was going to win too.
You should have seen his face.
(Laughing) Good times! (Horn honking) You told Tannhäuser you were seeing an obstetrician.
So what are we doing in this disgusting place? (Sighs) I have other appointments.
And you will be staying here and waiting for me.
You're only supposed to have one appointment.
One.
The baby doctor.
I'm not leaving your side, and I will overpower you should you resist.
I'll have you know, a man tried to rape me once.
I broke his spinal cord using my buttocks.
Hmm (Cell): Hello, baby Pick up the phone Why are you not answering your phone? Why are you not answering my question about why you are not answering the phone, hmm? (Exhales, scoffs) (Ringing in receiver) Hmm Excellent marksmanship.
You could have killed me, but you chose instead to merely graze my shoulder.
I can be menschy.
Who stitched up your sweater? I did.
I macrame.
You sew? (Laughing) Yeah.
I was taught by my father who was taught by his grandfather before him.
Do you have a problem with men who sew, Gunter? Not as long as they use clean needles.
(Cell vibrating) Excuse me.
Guten tag.
Don't talk to me in that fascist-speak.
Use the American-English God and Ronald Reagan gave you.
Time has come to test your loyalty.
Got a chore for you.
Here's what I want you to do.
(Cell beeps) Where's a cop named Verraterkuss? Why are you interested in him? To prove my loyalty.
( Whistling ) Nice to see you, my man! Hey, um, how's that recovery of yours going? Your memory coming back? Oh, yes.
Although, sometimes, I forget my sexual preference.
(Chuckles) I hear you have one of Racken's bookkeepers in custody.
Racken, um, suspected him of embezzling.
Started sending him dead things in the mail, you know, flowers, fish, a mailman.
(Laughs) So he came to us for protection.
We put him up in a hotel room under a bland, unoriginal name.
Even the police guarding him have no clue who he is.
And you kept his whereabouts and his assumed name a secret? Including from your superiors? Good man! Danke! I'm under orders for you not to leave my sight, even for the toilet.
You can watch me urinate first if you like.
I'm an exhibitionist and proud of my new artificial vagina.
(Cell): Hello, baby Pick up the phone Answer your phone, I insist.
Why aren't you answering? (Cell beeps) What do you want? Lilly, where are you? I only allow people to be late when they're dead.
I will be there soon.
(Cell beeps) Who were you talking to? Hand that over.
If you will not tell me, I'll hit redial and ask, politely at first, then petulant, using sharp consonants.
Please, I'm with child! Oh God! Something's wrong! - What are you feeling? - This! (Both grunting) (Grunts) Careful! I'm pregnant! Ah! (Ripping) Pregnant! (Panting) (Muffled cries) Shhh! (Racken): I can't wait till you meet this guy.
He's gonna help me finally put the kibosh on Tannhäuser.
I got a hard-on just thinking about it.
Thanks, doll.
In fact, there he is.
Hey, my man! Over here! Sorry.
The reason I'm late is I could give a shit about being on time.
You got a bad attitude.
(Giggles) I love it.
This is my wife, Lilly, whom you've heard nothing about.
Charmed.
She's pregnant, excuse the bump.
I knocked her up the first try.
I take these vitamins from Singapore, they're intended only for elephants.
- Ah! - Get you a drink? Absolutely.
(Racken): I need some champagne here! You know, I feel the strength surging through my body whenever I eat read meat.
Yeah.
One of my goals is to eat a whole cow alive, even the hooves.
And then drink a shake made from the cow's milk.
Oh! (Laughing) I heard a joke.
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter.
(Racken and Gunter laugh) I love that! Oh my God.
Come on, baby.
Chow down.
I don't want that kid popping out "malnunourished.
" You know how we met? I saw her in a play, a musical, La Miserable.
She played Famine.
(American accent): Fantine.
Right, right, right! I didn't even propose.
I just sent a note backstage that said "Hey, doll! You got a new address.
" She's a very good actress.
Plays lots of different characters.
I'm certain of that.
And what about you? You got a special lady in your life? Or someone mediocre? No.
I had been seeing someone, but I'm still recovering from the parting shot she gave me.
You know, it's funny.
It's been a long time since I've had dinner with a Martine ni.
What did you say your name was, again? Lilly.
Ah, yes.
Like the flower at funerals.
Evening's over.
Hey, bring me a check! Congratulations, Mr.
Racken.
You've successfully murdered a witness in my custody.
Not only figured out the hotel he was staying at, but the bland, unoriginal name of "Stan Smith," under which he was booked.
More importantly, you murdered Lt.
Verraterkuss, whose dead body we just pulled out of a lake.
Hope you threw him back, 'cause he was small.
I'm sure you'll be delighted to know that he leaves a wife and children behind.
Would you like me to kill them too so he's got company? - You'll burn in hell, you sick bas-- - Hagerman! Who the hell do you think you are? Coming in here and talking to me like that in front of my wife? I am not intimidated by your high cheekbones.
And killing cops, for me, is like stepping on ants.
So I might as well take out the Queen.
You have chosen the wrong side, mister.
Your hubris won't protect you, Mr.
Racken.
I intend to see you behind bars.
Yeah? What's "hubris"? Hey! What's "hubris"? What is "hubris"? No matter whose face you wear, it will always be the face of evil.
Son of a bitch! I'm in the mood for something not on the menu, that bitch's body, à la carte.
I'm gonna go pee.
I brought you gifts from the city! Chocolate and a jockstrap.
(Sighs) (Eva): You're a heartless fiend.
Lt.
Verraterkuss leaves small mouths behind to feed.
Are you saying he had goldfish? Heh heh heh! Here's the truth.
I did not pump Verraterkuss for the location of your witness.
Verraterkuss was on Tannhäuser's payroll.
All I did was inform him that Racken would pay double for the information.
Verraterkuss chose to take the offer, so Tannhäuser killed him.
(Hagerman): All this corruption.
Makes me wanna shower for all eternity.
Get out.
Leave me to my little Freudian disaster.
Mmm.
I have a little truth for you.
- Mmm? - Mmm.
Your old face still exists preserved in cryogenic freeze.
Tell me where it is, bitch.
Oh, put that away.
If anything happens to me, you can just kiss your kisser goodbye.
'Cause the information is here, and nobody else knows where it is.
This just came.
(Laughs) Is that one of those mechanical fish that sings when you push a button? You're gonna need around the clock security.
But no one here is trustworthy for more than a few minutes.
Oh please! I'm not intimidated by cheap scare tactics.
My ex-husband used to send me soiled condoms to make me jealous.
But they were so small.
Epic fail there.
(Explosion) (People screaming, car alarm ringing) Someone's car was torched.
It's mine.
Ha! I'm sure it is pure coincidence.
(Gunter laughing) I commend you for telling me about Martine escaping.
She has a secret life.
We all do.
I'm just curious to know the lengths she will go to protect it.
Did you see her naked? She seems ashamed of her body.
Hmm.
Would you like me to disrobe for you? I no longer have a penis and experienced my first camel toe.
Uh Yeah, that's not really working for me.
Commissioner, may I offer you a ride? Uh, I was just calling to rent a car.
Thank you.
Where are you parked? I'm right out in the hall.
(Bell ringing) Uh, no.
I'm gonna rent the car.
Thank you.
(Bell rings) (Doorbell rings, buzzer) Enter! You possess the eyes and voice of a man I believed dead, but have been speaking with on the phone.
I do not believe in reincarnation, so, yes or no? Are you Gunter Vogler? Yes and no.
Tell me who the hell you are.
(Cell vibrates, beeps) Uh, now is not the best time.
(Racken):I've been trying to reach you.
I'm taking out the commissioner today and I want you to be a part of it.
Maybe next time.
Muah! I don't have Eva's number! What are you talking about? You're ignoring me the way that Gunter used to.
Oh, not now, woman! What is it, Gunter? I'm hard at work.
Where's Eva? - Why? - This is an emergency! Did she go home? I need her address quickly! No.
I don't trust you.
You're always up to no good.
I said not now, woman! This is a real gun! Not an abstract piece of art.
It shoots bullets! (Siren wailing) Don't start Don't start the engine! Don't start that engine.
Don't start that-- (Engine starts) I check my car daily for booby traps since my divorce.
(Gunshot, Eva grunts) Sniper fire! (Bicycle bell ringing) Hagerman! Behind the pillar! Kill that asshole! (Gunshot, man grunts) You made the right decision, Mr.
Vogler.
I have an overwhelming desire to see myself again in the mirror.
That was one lucky shot, Gunter.
It wasn't mine.
Then whose was it? (French accent): So what did Miss Leibwachter say about our journey to the city? She said you went on the bus, you went to the park, you played on the swings, you fed the ducks.
Then you gave her the slip, as I knew you would.
And your response? Miss Leibwachter and myself, we had our usual yoga session and now she's cooling off.
Could you get me a drink? I have no drink here.
I'd love something fresh from the fridge.
(Gulps) You're sick.

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