Californication s01e12 Episode Script

How come you never told me Bill's daughter was a writer? This girl's written what could be the book of the year.
Is that right? The girl's gonna sell 5 million copies based on the jacket photo alone.
- People are gonna recognize my writing.
- No, see, I covered my tracks.
I added little bits of me when I retyped it.
You have done some fucked-up shit in your time, - but I didn't think you'd do that.
- Not knowingly.
I'll take it off the counter.
Say the word.
- There are offers? - Many.
Then I'm fucked.
Come on.
Hey, we were taking a break! Are you totally serious about marrying Bill? - What about Hank? - Are you questioning things? - I question everything, it's healthy.
- It is.
I just think you can't run off and marry a guy after making sweet love to yours truly.
If anyone knows of a reason why this couple should not wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
What? Wait, hold on.
Hold on.
One minute.
Time out.
Since you are bringing it up, there is something I would like to express.
I just want to put it on the table.
I've got a car there's more.
Just say the word, and I'll pull it around front.
You get in, you grab the Becca, off we go.
I'm sorry.
You're not invited.
Doesn't have much of a back seat.
What do you say, Karen? It's not too late.
It's never too late.
Are you okay? Sweetie - Just a bad dream.
- Better get moving.
Wedding's at 3:00.
I laid out your clothes.
There's coffee.
Oh, happy day.
Okay, the fucking bunny goes around the fucking left My god, honey.
You look so beautiful.
- Dad? - Yeah? It happened.
- What happened? - It.
It what? - It! - It? The it! Oh, it! Shit.
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I should have been set up for such a momentous event in the life of a young woman.
I should have had some kind of kit prepared.
Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? Are you there, dad? It's me, Becca.
I'm fine.
I'm not going to die or anything.
I just got my period.
Can we keep moving? Oh, dear.
- What? - I kinda need those.
I probably need them more than you.
Let me buy them off you.
Can I buy a couple? Let me just buy a couple tampons from you.
I can't buy one tampon? - No, I won't sell you one tampon.
- Do you have any cash? Why don't you try another store? They make a lot of these things.
You don't understand.
I'm in a big hurry.
- I need those actual tampons.
- Bye now.
Lady, you know what? You're not very nice.
- Excuse me? - If I was in the market for, say I don't know, adult diapers, and some poor, incontinent soul walked by who obviously needed them more than I did, - I would surrender those diapers.
- Good to know, asshole! - Everything OK? - This guy's being a total dick.
He's trying to steal my tampons.
Why do you want to steal a woman's tampons? I wasn't trying to steal her tampons.
I was trying to buy them off her.
What the fuck you wanna buy my wife's tampons for? You two are a charming couple.
You been together long? Are you looking to get your ass kicked? Normally, I'd say, "go for it, kick his ass," but we're running out of time here, dad.
Sweetie, you're right.
When you're right, you're right.
Let's blow this Popsicle stand.
- Enjoy the shit out of your tampons.
- Thanks a lot.
By the Heineken! You're open! She's the one who needs them? They're for me.
I like to use them as earplugs.
First time? First time.
- Where's your mother? - She's getting married today.
- We're on our way to the wedding.
- She's not married to your father, what a surprise.
Do you need some help, sweetie? That's not a terrible idea, honey.
I'm sorry.
- What are you gonna do? - When it comes to the woman I love, I don't think, I just act.
- I messed you all up.
- No, that's cool.
I'm sorry, man.
- Am I good? - Yeah.
- How's the hair? - Looks good.
We're a blended family, and I want the kids on that side Hey, dad.
Where's Karen? - Cold feet? - That's very sweet of you, - very supportive.
- Don't worry.
Throw a couple of drinky-poo's in her, a roofie or two, she's not going anywhere.
You're lucky I have a very sophisticated sense of humor.
You'll miss my dark, sardonic wit when I'm criss-crossing the nation - on my book tour.
- Yes - About your book.
- You read it? What'd you think? I wanted to save this until after we got back from the honeymoon, but I can't, in good conscience, let you publish it, not given the current national climate.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - Watch your language.
- Where is this coming from? - Believe it or not, I'm fairly successful at what I do, and something called "Fucking & Punching" by my 16-year-old daughter might bring me some undesirable attention.
You can't do this.
It's my book.
- I can do what I want with it.
- You wanna test me on this? I'm in business with these publishers.
I wanna make something go away, it goes away.
That's not what this is about Your reputation.
The content is a little unsettling, wouldn't you agree? The whole thing reads like some teenage girl's fantasy about having an affair with some depraved asshole who bears a striking resemblance to my least favorite American novelist.
What makes you think it's fantasy? Take a hit.
I can't get high on my wedding day.
You're insane.
Yes, you can.
Yes, I did.
Yeah, and look how that ended up.
Now, you're aware that once you say, "I do," it's gonna be you and Bill's baby arm for the rest of your life.
- Can you handle that shit? - That's big.
A baby arm is very big, Marcy.
That's gonna hurt.
Especially in the ass.
Has Bill requested the ass yet? No, and he's not gonna get it! Not even on his wedding night? You don't deny your man the ass.
You give it to him, because once he knows he can have that, he ain't gonna want that shit anymore, believe that.
- I'm gonna take that.
- Yeah, the ass is always greener.
Seriously, though, I think you're doing the right thing here.
You are so fucking full of shit.
You hated him.
Last week, you said he made your flavia shrivel.
My labia.
Sorry.
No one was a bigger hater than me, - but Bill's a good guy.
- He is.
- He's a man of substance.
- Yes.
- He's not a lost boy.
- No.
'Cause believe me, once you've seen the love of your life hit in the face with another woman's ejaculate, your perspective changes.
It fucks you up.
You lose your innocence.
That shit is fucked up.
I slept with Hank.
Okay, either I'm really fucking baked, or you just told me that you boned Hank.
His dad had just died, so - You're such a slut! - I know.
Was it good? It was sad.
Like "coming and crying" sad, or like "dirty and shameful" sad? I don't know.
- No, you stupid bitch! - I'm good! You're gonna fuck your make-up! Happy thoughts! What up, Runkle? Hey there.
- You better pace yourself, young lady.
- Why? I'm fucked.
My dad won't let me publish "Fucking & Punching.
" "National climate" and whatnot.
Really? I don't really know what you're talking about, "national climate and whatnot," but that's good news.
You got what was coming to you after all.
What do you know about it? I know you fucked and punched him set him up, stole his book.
What are you gonna do about it? Spank me? You ladies talk about everything, don't you? Just the stuff worth talking about.
- How long did it take her to drop it? - Two sips of a soy macchiato, but, hey, I always knew you had a little bit of kink in you.
I could tell.
Yeah? You looking to get a little of that now? You realize you're hitting on a teenage girl? I thought that was your "thing.
" Gross.
At least it all worked out for the best, right? Hank gets his book back, and you get to crawl back to the hole from whence you came.
Hey, fuck that, Runkle.
This ain't over till it's over.
You, lilliputian, you're going with me.
- Don't scratch it.
- You, she wanna talk to you.
You had sex with her! - She told you? - She told me.
And you gotta hit that shit again.
Give her some of that daddy dick.
Fuck her into doing the right thing here.
There's something seriously wrong with you, and you're stoned.
Don't be harsh! You're freaking me out.
Behave yourself.
You look incredible Except for the makeup which is a little hookerish.
- Maybe that's what you're going for.
- Shut up.
What took you so long? Where is she? - Traffic was bad on the PCH.
- Right.
- You're so full of - And Becca got her period.
- What? - Yeah.
- She did? - Makes perfect sense it'd happen on my watch, right? My God.
How is she? What did you do? - I handled the fuck out of that shit.
- You did? You mean you showed her how to God, no.
A very nice lady at the supermarket helped us out.
Jesus Christ, Hank! Fuck! It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I wasn't supposed to be marrying some other guy, you weren't supposed to flush your fucking career down the toilet, and Becca wasn't supposed to start her period and some strange woman show her how to use a tampon for the 1st time.
All those things that weren't supposed to happen They happened.
What happens next is up to you.
I'm going through with it, Hank.
- Go through with it, Karen.
- I can't cancel.
It's not that simple.
I'm not asking you to.
I'm not gonna make some grand, romantic gesture and ruin your wedding day.
You're not? You promise? I promise.
Good luck out there.
And if anyone knows any reason why these two should not be wed, please speak now or forever hold your peace.
Over here! Mia, what are you doing? Excuse me, I was told to speak now or forever hold my peace.
Was it just bullshit or can I file my grievance? This could be interesting.
Yeah, I just don't think I can fully endorse this union.
Get a load of the balls on this chick.
We should cut this part from the ceremony.
It's totally antiquated.
Let her speak, okay? Mia? Come on.
First of all, you two don't even love each other.
Yeah, you don't even know what love is.
- I love your dad, of course I do.
- Karen, all due respect, give me a fucking break.
You're still in love with Hank, and you know what? You should be.
- He's obviously the guy for you.
- OK, I am so fucking high right now.
I want you to be happy, I do.
You totally deserve it.
You got a bum deal.
You loved someone with your whole heart, I know you did, and they up and died on you.
That sucks But you gotta get real, you can't just play house.
It's good.
Hold on.
If you marry Karen, you'll always be staring down the barrel of Hank.
Simple as that.
- Let's take a little walk.
- You'd like that? We're gonna get some coffee, smoke some cigarettes Come here.
Let it go.
All right? Just let it go.
If I can, you can.
You think you can just shut me up? Of course you do, just like you thought you could fuck me and never talk to me again.
What is she talking about? You wanna tell them or should I? You fucked her, didn't you? Okay, you want to do this? For real? Do it right tell them the truth.
What did you do? Tell them.
Did you, or did you not, sleep with him? Of course not.
Give a girl some credit.
It's just a book.
A made-up story.
It's fucking fiction, people! I don't give a damn about any moment that's come before this.
It's simple, Karen.
I love you.
Do you love me? Do you want to marry me? Yes, I do.
You wanna talk about it? You need a hug? Oh, no.
Let me love you.
Will you shut the fuck up? So, what now? I think maybe I'll get into teaching.
There's an idea.
Not a particularly good one, but an idea nonetheless.
- Good luck with that.
- I hate you.
I hate myself.
Dance with your daughter? Don't mind if I do.
Later, Runkle.
I'm very proud of you.
Really? And why is that? Because you got through it.
And didn't get into a fight with anyone.
Well, you didn't start it, at least.
You're tragically flawed, dad, but you've got a good heart.
I'll take that.
Hello, sister.
Mind if I cut in? I suppose I should thank you.
- For what? - Saving my ass.
I'd say we're about even right now.
How's that? My dad decided to publish the book, so I think he feels a lot better knowing that we didn't have sex.
But we did.
Yeah.
Yeah, we did.
Once upon a time, I saw my favorite writer in a bookstore and I seduced him.
So what, would it have been better to lose my virginity in the back of some rich kid's beamer? Now you're really fucking with me.
A girl never forgets her first.
How you holding up, daddy? Don't worry about me.
Worry about that poor simpleton over there.
You can call me whenever, you know Take that.
Come on, you know you want that bald eagle back.
You made him suffer long enough.
He's been out there.
There's nothing for him.
He's banged the forbidden fruit and now he's realized that he'd rather be Shucking your hairless clam.
Hey, be nice to my clam.
Hey, you, dance with your fucking wife already.
Be nice to her vagina.
Well, I guess congratulations are in order.
You did it.
Looks like I did.
Good for you.
This is starting to give me dumb chills.
- That's right, you're a woman now.
- Shut up.
May I? Dance? You? Why didn't I dance with you more often? Remember? You thought it was stupid.
Sounds familiar.
And once again, the joke's on me, because I'm the stupid one.
You know, I'm sorry I never gave you a day like today.
I don't know what I was so afraid of.
So negative.
Because I look around and I think it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen aside from you.
- I believe that's our daughter.
- She asked him.
Don't stare, she'll kill us.
Just all went by so fast.
From the moment I met you till just now Seems like just a second ago.
Excuse me, Hank.
I wouldn't mind dancing with my wife.
Of course.
Be good to her.
I had a shot with her once, but I blew it.
That's what I call fucking, Runkle.
You go, girl.
Okay, don't push your luck, Clapton.
Becca, meet me in the car in three and a half minutes.
And you? No tongue.
I'm serious.
That's not cool.
"Check yourself, before you wrigidy wrigidy wreck yourself.
" Stay away from musicians.
They're nothing but trouble.
He asked me out On a date.
Captain fantastic.
Can I go? Of course you can go.
Impressed? Very.
Maybe it's possible, after all this time, for your old man to grow the fuck up already.
Maybe it happens anyways, whether you like it or not.
- Yeah! - Pay up.
I gave my last bill to the valet.
You're shit out of luck.
Wait, Hank! Wait! Quick, quick! Just go, drive the car! You sure? Quick, before I change my fucking mind! I'm sorry, baby.
Karen, wait! Come back!