Call Me Fitz (2010) s01e02 Episode Script
Loco
FITZ: There are only two things in life a man needs: fast cars and fast women.
OW.
What a man doesn't need is a partner.
[Horn honking.]
Larry! If you wanna be stuck in a useless, unprofitable relationship, get married.
Redemption.
[Horns honking.]
[Tires screech, metal crashes.]
All the greats were solo acts: Bogart, McQueen, Sinatra.
Sure, they had their crews, but no one questioned their authority.
Dean Martin wasn't cool till he dumped Jerry Lewis.
Fuck Jerry's Kids.
A symbol of our partnership! Yeah, I've been rethinking that little promise.
All right, maybe I overreacted.
But I don't share the spotlight or my turf Especially with some nut job who says he's my conscience.
I don't need to change the way I live.
People love me.
People pay above book! Hallucinations.
-Paranoia.
-FITZ: Come on, baby.
-Typical withdrawal symptoms.
You know what I need.
Let's get a drink.
Not doing well.
[Knocking.]
I'll make it worth your while.
J' Without you J' J' I'll find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' [Computerized beeping, bells dinging.]
Whoo! I won! I've never won anything! -Well, congratulations.
-She won?! Yeah, and well-deserved.
[Squealing.]
Larry, can I talk to you for a second? Do you ever wonder why that thing's called a one-armed bandit? Uh, you know, I've never really thought about it.
Because it's rigged so no one ever wins, you moron! Well, it's like we always say, it pays to be honest.
I never say that.
Oh, well, you should, yeah.
And failing that, I will say it for you: It pays to be honest.
Au rights Which one of you ass clowns broke El Bandito? It pays to be honest.
[Squealing continues .]
Oh, fuck me.
How much did it cost? -A year's supply of Buff n' Glow! -A year's supply of Buff n' Glow! In exchange for what? Well, I put her in the Corolla for $200 above book price.
If I buy the other car, can I play again? -Oh, most definitely, dear.
-Oh, oh! [Smooches, laughs.]
Write it up, son.
Kid's got balls.
Balls.
[Squealing and laughter continue.]
[Sighs.]
Sonja! When I asked you to clean up my office, I did not mean empty out my liquor cabinet.
I did it for your own good.
And, uh I will let you cool off now.
I see what's going on here.
Okay.
All right, Larry.
You can't get the best of Fitzy.
Nuh-uh.
Hey.
Hey, I need some smoke.
What do you got? Look at Larry eatin' that salad, man.
Ä°t's fuckin' beautiful.
That is life right there, man, a microcosm of it.
-That makes you question everything.
-FITZ: Yeah.
-So what'd you find out about him? -Huh? Oh, fuck! I completely forgot.
You didn't dig up any shit on Larry?! You asked me to do that, like, two days ago.
No, I gave you two days to get me the information.
-I didn't know you still wanted it! -Yeah.
-Well, maybe I'll call -Yeah? No.
What'd you wanna know about him? God damn it, don't you realize how much trouble I'm in here? Uh no.
I've got this lawyer trying to nail my ass to the wall for that crash, my supply has been flushed, and now that fuckin' psycho claims to be my conscience! -JOSH: That is completely insane.
-FITZ: Yeah, no shit! He's an escaped fuckin' lunatic, for all I know.
I got no choice.
I gotta get rid of that fucker.
JOSH: Hey, you know what you need? -What? -A smoke.
-Yeah! -You got any? Fuckin' stoner.
Just say no, dude.
CHESTER: Ali! Ali! Oh, Chester! Hi.
You decided to stop by.
You could've just returned my phone call.
Oh, well, it's been a while.
Plus, I wanted to drop this off.
Oh.
That's That's pretty.
Oh, Chester, I thought I made myself clear a while ago.
Oh, yeah, yeah, but it's not for you, it's for your mom.
Unless you like it, then you should keep it, because you could probably use cheering up, too.
Well -- I wouldn't use your mom's accident as an excuse just to see you.
That would be creepy.
[Both laugh.]
So, why were you calling? I was calling to check in on the investigation.
Into Richard Fitzpatrick, the man who put my mother into a coma? Just wondering when you were gonna file charges against the bastard.
Um, there is no investigation at this time.
But his blood alcohol level was three points over the legal limit! Nobody saw him behind the wheel of the car.
[Sighs.]
Look, maybe you can look into this a little more.
I mean, surely we can come up with something.
Maybe over drinks.
I [Sighs.]
KARA: Hey, Ali.
Oh, uh, Tara.
Hello.
Kara.
[Chuckles.]
What can I do for you? I came to see if you needed any help.
You know, with the case? To nail Richard Fitzpatrick? Can I carry your books? [Sighs.]
Look, um I appreciate your concern, but no witness, no case.
Scene of the crime.
I was there.
I have photos.
[Ali sighs.]
We need proof that Fitzpatrick was behind the wheel.
You only saw the aftermath, not the actual accident.
So, "A" for effort.
[Chuckles.]
Let the law handle this, Carrie.
Kara.
Ken warned me to remind you he wants extra ketchup, or he will uh "Kiss you in the ass.
" -That can't be right.
-I'll take a martini.
Mmm! Mr.
Fitz, don't.
But I need you, Sonja.
I need you to make me feel good.
Have you ever stopped to consider how it makes me feel? Full? You know, Larry was right.
You don't care about me.
That ass-juicer? You know he's only trying to get in your pants.
Then what are you doing? I'm trying to get in your pants, but at least I'm honest about it.
Well, then, why don't you say it for once? Say what? It.
I have no idea what you're talkin' about.
[Sighs.]
Larry says that if you cared, you would say it.
I thought what we had was mature, real, and not dictated by some cliché romantic chick-flick conventions.
[Sighs.]
How about a hand job? Now you're just embarrassing the both of us.
[Grunts.]
What the hell is that? I ordered a martini.
We're out of vodka.
Gin.
BARTENDER: No can do.
Manhattan, stat.
Your friend Larry says you're on the wagon.
Okay, one: That son of a bitch is not my friend.
Two: There's only one thing I ride, and it's not the wagon.
Three I'll have a much funnier two after a little liquid.
Give me a fuckin' martini! BARTENDER: You want a drink? Pay your tab.
[Alarm sounding.]
MEGHAN: Justin, you'd better not be playing mad scientist again.
Where the hell is your Fluoxetine?! You're the thief? I accused Saul of stealing my meds.
God knows he could use them, having to live with you.
Nice.
Why you gotta be so mean to me? Ah, Ritalin! You can't have my son's Ritalin! Those are for me.
-FITZ: I'm your big brother! -Ha! No.
You're a fucking mooch who's been living rent-free in the room above my garage for two months! You want a pill? $1,500.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, fuck! Pussy.
[Door opens .]
Justin, set the table.
Larry's coming to dinner.
Not again! Why can't you see what a crazy fuck he is?! Yeah -- responsible, employed, polite? Break out the straitjacket.
There are three rules to a perfect piece of meat.
One: You want the grill nice and hot so the steak doesn't stick.
Two: Never flip the meat more than once.
And three: No more than three minutes a side, maybe three and a half.
FITZ: Know-it-all.
Oh, what is this stuff? Near beer.
Uncle Richard's on the wagon.
[Both laugh.]
Look, Richard, I know this transition isn't going as smoothly as we'd hoped.
But you know what? Real change never does.
You have no idea who you're dealin' with, do you? Oh, I think I do.
The same Richard who peed his pants and cried during the second-grade walk-a-thon.
Did I tell you that? Look, you know what? Now is not the time to dwell on the past when we need to look forward to the future.
Pow! You know, you may have fooled those other losers down at the lot, but not me, Larry -- if that even is your real name.
I'm a Fitz.
We invented crazy.
And I'm gonna get you the help that you need.
To prove someone's crazy, they need to be a threat to themselves or to others, okay? Go.
Ah! Help! Uncle Larry stabbed me.
Mother of God, Meghan, he stabbed the kid! What the hell's going on out here? Help! He's got a fork! LARRY: Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! I should have known better than to utilize such a sharp utensil in the presence of a child! I need to report a man who's behaving erratically.
Yes, yes, he is a danger to himself and others.
-Oh, yes, it is quite sad.
-It was an accident.
We are having you committed, Larry! It's for your own good! Can I have my 10 bucks now? Oh, Richard.
You.
Inside.
Now.
You know, I thought tonight could be a chance for new beginnings.
Think again.
-Here we go.
-Oh, yeah, here we go.
-Come on! -Come on! MEGHAN: Nice try, degenerate.
Come on, these were wedding gifts.
[Toy squeaks.]
He's a dead man.
[Groans.]
GIRL: You said this afternoon was for us.
I'm almost to the grid, okay? What is it with this case? You're obsessed! Did he touch you? Show me on me where he did it.
He didn't touch me.
He just [Sighs.]
He just reminds me of someone, okay? FITZ: Oh, fuck.
[Josh exhales sharply .]
Give me that! Give me that! -No.
Sorry, boss.
No! -You fucking give me that! Fucking Larry.
This is all his fault.
I could kill that sanctimonious prick.
Yeah, well, killing's easy.
Gettin' rid of the body, that's the hard part.
Go on.
[Sighs.]
A few tips I picked up while on assignment in Vienna.
See, bodies decomp faster in open air, but some fuckin' hiker might come along and trip over it, right? See, my favorite, you dump 'em in an open grave, you put a little bit of dirt over top of 'em, the next morning they put a casket on top of it, and Wham, bam, thank you, shazam.
-How much? -Huh? What? To cap Larry.
If no one knows who the guy is, no one's gonna miss him.
Yeah, but I don't kill people anymore.
-You owe me! -For what? I could tell you, but you're just gonna forget in 10 seconds.
-Hey, man, that's -- -I don't care if the guy's dead.
I've got enough legal problems as it is.
I just want him gone.
Who? Oh, Sonja, hello.
Josh says that you think you're Fitz's conscience.
Ah.
"Conscience is a man's compass.
" Vincent van Gogh.
Are you his conscience or his compass? I'm just a man.
A gay man? -Hmm? -Oh, that's what Meghan says.
But Fitz just thinks you're crazy.
And an ass-juicer.
And that you're trying to get into my pants.
Are you trying to get into my pants? Don't be ridiculous.
I'd never fit.
[ Laughs .]
Uh, no.
No, I'm not.
Well, if you are his conscience, you're not a very good one.
Why would you say that? Well, because you told me not to you know, and now he's mad at me for not you-knowing him.
Sonja, the only way to ensure Richard a berth on the steamship to awesome is to cleanse his body of the vices that tether him to his moral turpitude.
You need to be strong, okay, for him.
Hi, Mr.
Fitz.
Hey, numb nuts, I need you to run an errand with Josh tonight.
Ooh, an errand.
What kind of errand? I don't have time for questions, shit-for-brains! Josh'll fill you in.
Not you and me? Think of it as quality time with a co-worker.
I am doing this because I care about your meat torpedo.
-"Moral turpitude.
" -Can't I care about both? [Retching.]
I hope Richard told you what we're doing, because I asked him, but he didn't tell me.
I mean, he said some other things, but I'm not gonna repeat them here, my friend, because they were -- [Shuddering.]
This is nice.
This is nice.
it's, um It gives us a chance to get to know each other, you know? To, um To bond, in a way? Josh, could you say something? Because the silence is sort of killing me a little bit, here.
Ooh, hey, driving gloves.
Yeah, don't like getting my hands sticky.
No, no, me neither! Oh, great! Hello! Yes! Is that Italian leather? Yeah, yeah.
Good eye.
-Nice.
-Thank you.
-You wanna listen to some music? -Yup.
Oh, great.
["We're Here for a Good Time (Not a Long Time)" by Trooper plays.]
-I love this song! -I love this song! [Both laugh.]
J' A very good friend of mine J' J' Told me somethin' the other day J' -What'd he tell you, Larry? -Listen to this.
J' I'm gonna pass it on to you J' J' 'Cause I believe what he said to be true J' -I never get that right.
-it's hard.
You bought the car?! Why would you buy the fuckin' car?! Larry said it was a good car! You were supposed to get rid of him, not buy the motherfuckin' car! Are you nuts? He cut me a sweet deal, man.
He's just so honest.
He really cares about the customer.
What about me, man? How come nobody gives a fuck about me? I care about you, bro.
I do.
Come on, let's hug it out.
Bring it in.
Hey, bring it in.
J' And the sun is shining J' J' Ooh, isn't it a pity? J' A symbol of our partnership! Yeah, I've been rethinking that little promise.
LARRY: Ooh! [Fitz grunting.]
LARRY: This violent behavior is not solving any problems! What kind of a man sabotages another man's life?! LARRY: No, no, it's not sabotage! I'm your conscience, and this, this is a present.
Happy sobriety! [Chuckles.]
Fuck your present! [Grunting.]
We're not giving up on you, Richard Fitzpatrick! -No way! -Nope.
J' And the sun is shining J' J' In this rainy city J' J' And the sun is shining J' J' Ooh, isn't it a pity? J' J' That every year has its share of tears J' J' Every now and then it's gotta rain J' J' We're here for a good time J' J' Not a long time J' Ugh! J' So have a good time J' J' The sun can't shine every day J' What are you all doing here? We're closed.
LARRY: We're here because we love you.
Whoa, whoa, let's not go crazy.
I was told there'd be cake.
Richard, this is your intervention.
With cake! Cake was definitely the draw for us.
But not only that, also to mock Fitz at his time of emotional weakness, huh? LARRY: Okay, this is not a place for judgments.
We are here to save Richards life.
I don't need an intervention.
See? He's fine! Let's celebrate! Sonja, go get us something sweet.
Why do I have to go? Okay, let's worry about Richard right now and dessert later.
Okay? Now, we're going to go around the room, and everyone is going to say honestly, sincerely, what we're feeling right now, okay? Meghan.
I'm feeling a little ripped off, to be honest.
Oh.
Uh, Ken.
Ken, is there something you'd like to say about your son's substance abuse? -Hey, could I get a hit off that? -Whiskey's for men.
No, no, that -- Uh, Josh.
Present.
Hmm? Gentlemen, anything? Alcohol is unclean.
You shame yourself and your tribe.
[Clears throat.]
Sonja? Yes, there is something I would like to share.
Oh, good.
[Clears throat.]
Ever since I started working here, you've all treated me like some kind of slave.
That's it.
That's all I've got.
Okay, I think what Sonja is trying to say is that she can't wait for someone to give her a chance.
But she has to take a chance on herself, okay? And when she dresses like this -- -Like what? -Like a whore.
LARRY: She is saying, "l don't trust my mind.
" But in order for the world to change its attitude towards Sonja, Sonja has to change her attitude towards Sonja.
Mmm, good girl.
-SONJA: Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Where did Richard go? He'd better be getting the fucking cake.
Or Chink food.
Spicy beef.
-You guys must know a good place.
-LARRY: Richard? MAN: We are not Chinese, you blue-eyed devil.
-KEN: Close enough.
-LARRY: Richard! Richard?! Oh, no, Richard! Carbon mon-- Suicide?! No, no, no, no! Richard, no, not like this! No! Life is precious! Richard, open up! [Blow-up doll squeaks.]
You're not Richard.
Oh, thank God you're safe.
Childproof locks? I know.
They're really dangerous.
[Coughs.]
No! No, Richard, murdering me is a sure sign you need help.
Oh, it isn't murder.
You're my conscience.
I look at it as selective suicide.
Richard! Think about your progress.
This is gonna set you back weeks! Good-bye, Larry! No, no.
No, no, no! No! Oh, God.
[Coughing.]
MEGHAN: Oh, Dick.
He warned us you would try something like this.
[Whistles.]
Kid's got a nose for crazy.
Holy shit, is that a hotbox? Hey, Larry, let me in, man! Holy cow! MEGHAN: Open the door.
Nice try.
JOSH: Whoa, that's not weed! [Siren wails.]
Hey, hey, get off me! [Grunts.]
Larry warned us you were on the edge, but murder? Anything for fucking attention.
I'd have died if it wasn't for the oxygen in this blow-up doll.
Am I the only one that's got any sense around here? He's trying to fool you.
Can't you see he's the crazy one? We're getting you the help you need, Richard.
We're in this together.
I don't do partners.
Get off me! Ugh! Look at him.
Look at his ears.
He's not even human! I hope you don't think I'm payin' for this.
MAN: All right, take it easy.
He's He's not hu-- [Siren blaring.]
Doctor says you can have a visitor, so Well, good news: You're not crazy.
Just a little stressed from the alcohol withdrawal.
I'm sorry about that, Richard, but it had to be done.
You have to think about your liver.
[Clears throat, sniffs.]
Well, everybody wants me to press charges against you, especially Ali Devon.
But don't worry, okay, because I'm not going to contribute to the growing involuntary manslaughter case against you.
J' You get me in a spin J' J' Oh, what a stew I'm in J' LARRY: I think all this was, was just a cry for help partner, and, uh I felt it.
I felt it.
[sniffling.]
J' And isn't it a shame? J' LARRY: Well, 24 more hours and you're out of here, right? And then tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives.
Aha.
J' If you'd only play my game J' J' You know I went to school J' J' And I'm nobody's fool J' J' That is to say until I met you J' You're not my conscience.
J' Oh, what a stew I'm in J' You're not my conscience! Is 24 more hours gonna be enough time for him to dry out? I don't know.
Cover me.
J' About a lot of things J' J' But I don't know enough about you J' J' I know a little bit about a lot of things J' J' But I don't know enough, baby, 'bout you J' Fuck you, Dick Fitz!
OW.
What a man doesn't need is a partner.
[Horn honking.]
Larry! If you wanna be stuck in a useless, unprofitable relationship, get married.
Redemption.
[Horns honking.]
[Tires screech, metal crashes.]
All the greats were solo acts: Bogart, McQueen, Sinatra.
Sure, they had their crews, but no one questioned their authority.
Dean Martin wasn't cool till he dumped Jerry Lewis.
Fuck Jerry's Kids.
A symbol of our partnership! Yeah, I've been rethinking that little promise.
All right, maybe I overreacted.
But I don't share the spotlight or my turf Especially with some nut job who says he's my conscience.
I don't need to change the way I live.
People love me.
People pay above book! Hallucinations.
-Paranoia.
-FITZ: Come on, baby.
-Typical withdrawal symptoms.
You know what I need.
Let's get a drink.
Not doing well.
[Knocking.]
I'll make it worth your while.
J' Without you J' J' I'll find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' [Computerized beeping, bells dinging.]
Whoo! I won! I've never won anything! -Well, congratulations.
-She won?! Yeah, and well-deserved.
[Squealing.]
Larry, can I talk to you for a second? Do you ever wonder why that thing's called a one-armed bandit? Uh, you know, I've never really thought about it.
Because it's rigged so no one ever wins, you moron! Well, it's like we always say, it pays to be honest.
I never say that.
Oh, well, you should, yeah.
And failing that, I will say it for you: It pays to be honest.
Au rights Which one of you ass clowns broke El Bandito? It pays to be honest.
[Squealing continues .]
Oh, fuck me.
How much did it cost? -A year's supply of Buff n' Glow! -A year's supply of Buff n' Glow! In exchange for what? Well, I put her in the Corolla for $200 above book price.
If I buy the other car, can I play again? -Oh, most definitely, dear.
-Oh, oh! [Smooches, laughs.]
Write it up, son.
Kid's got balls.
Balls.
[Squealing and laughter continue.]
[Sighs.]
Sonja! When I asked you to clean up my office, I did not mean empty out my liquor cabinet.
I did it for your own good.
And, uh I will let you cool off now.
I see what's going on here.
Okay.
All right, Larry.
You can't get the best of Fitzy.
Nuh-uh.
Hey.
Hey, I need some smoke.
What do you got? Look at Larry eatin' that salad, man.
Ä°t's fuckin' beautiful.
That is life right there, man, a microcosm of it.
-That makes you question everything.
-FITZ: Yeah.
-So what'd you find out about him? -Huh? Oh, fuck! I completely forgot.
You didn't dig up any shit on Larry?! You asked me to do that, like, two days ago.
No, I gave you two days to get me the information.
-I didn't know you still wanted it! -Yeah.
-Well, maybe I'll call -Yeah? No.
What'd you wanna know about him? God damn it, don't you realize how much trouble I'm in here? Uh no.
I've got this lawyer trying to nail my ass to the wall for that crash, my supply has been flushed, and now that fuckin' psycho claims to be my conscience! -JOSH: That is completely insane.
-FITZ: Yeah, no shit! He's an escaped fuckin' lunatic, for all I know.
I got no choice.
I gotta get rid of that fucker.
JOSH: Hey, you know what you need? -What? -A smoke.
-Yeah! -You got any? Fuckin' stoner.
Just say no, dude.
CHESTER: Ali! Ali! Oh, Chester! Hi.
You decided to stop by.
You could've just returned my phone call.
Oh, well, it's been a while.
Plus, I wanted to drop this off.
Oh.
That's That's pretty.
Oh, Chester, I thought I made myself clear a while ago.
Oh, yeah, yeah, but it's not for you, it's for your mom.
Unless you like it, then you should keep it, because you could probably use cheering up, too.
Well -- I wouldn't use your mom's accident as an excuse just to see you.
That would be creepy.
[Both laugh.]
So, why were you calling? I was calling to check in on the investigation.
Into Richard Fitzpatrick, the man who put my mother into a coma? Just wondering when you were gonna file charges against the bastard.
Um, there is no investigation at this time.
But his blood alcohol level was three points over the legal limit! Nobody saw him behind the wheel of the car.
[Sighs.]
Look, maybe you can look into this a little more.
I mean, surely we can come up with something.
Maybe over drinks.
I [Sighs.]
KARA: Hey, Ali.
Oh, uh, Tara.
Hello.
Kara.
[Chuckles.]
What can I do for you? I came to see if you needed any help.
You know, with the case? To nail Richard Fitzpatrick? Can I carry your books? [Sighs.]
Look, um I appreciate your concern, but no witness, no case.
Scene of the crime.
I was there.
I have photos.
[Ali sighs.]
We need proof that Fitzpatrick was behind the wheel.
You only saw the aftermath, not the actual accident.
So, "A" for effort.
[Chuckles.]
Let the law handle this, Carrie.
Kara.
Ken warned me to remind you he wants extra ketchup, or he will uh "Kiss you in the ass.
" -That can't be right.
-I'll take a martini.
Mmm! Mr.
Fitz, don't.
But I need you, Sonja.
I need you to make me feel good.
Have you ever stopped to consider how it makes me feel? Full? You know, Larry was right.
You don't care about me.
That ass-juicer? You know he's only trying to get in your pants.
Then what are you doing? I'm trying to get in your pants, but at least I'm honest about it.
Well, then, why don't you say it for once? Say what? It.
I have no idea what you're talkin' about.
[Sighs.]
Larry says that if you cared, you would say it.
I thought what we had was mature, real, and not dictated by some cliché romantic chick-flick conventions.
[Sighs.]
How about a hand job? Now you're just embarrassing the both of us.
[Grunts.]
What the hell is that? I ordered a martini.
We're out of vodka.
Gin.
BARTENDER: No can do.
Manhattan, stat.
Your friend Larry says you're on the wagon.
Okay, one: That son of a bitch is not my friend.
Two: There's only one thing I ride, and it's not the wagon.
Three I'll have a much funnier two after a little liquid.
Give me a fuckin' martini! BARTENDER: You want a drink? Pay your tab.
[Alarm sounding.]
MEGHAN: Justin, you'd better not be playing mad scientist again.
Where the hell is your Fluoxetine?! You're the thief? I accused Saul of stealing my meds.
God knows he could use them, having to live with you.
Nice.
Why you gotta be so mean to me? Ah, Ritalin! You can't have my son's Ritalin! Those are for me.
-FITZ: I'm your big brother! -Ha! No.
You're a fucking mooch who's been living rent-free in the room above my garage for two months! You want a pill? $1,500.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, fuck! Pussy.
[Door opens .]
Justin, set the table.
Larry's coming to dinner.
Not again! Why can't you see what a crazy fuck he is?! Yeah -- responsible, employed, polite? Break out the straitjacket.
There are three rules to a perfect piece of meat.
One: You want the grill nice and hot so the steak doesn't stick.
Two: Never flip the meat more than once.
And three: No more than three minutes a side, maybe three and a half.
FITZ: Know-it-all.
Oh, what is this stuff? Near beer.
Uncle Richard's on the wagon.
[Both laugh.]
Look, Richard, I know this transition isn't going as smoothly as we'd hoped.
But you know what? Real change never does.
You have no idea who you're dealin' with, do you? Oh, I think I do.
The same Richard who peed his pants and cried during the second-grade walk-a-thon.
Did I tell you that? Look, you know what? Now is not the time to dwell on the past when we need to look forward to the future.
Pow! You know, you may have fooled those other losers down at the lot, but not me, Larry -- if that even is your real name.
I'm a Fitz.
We invented crazy.
And I'm gonna get you the help that you need.
To prove someone's crazy, they need to be a threat to themselves or to others, okay? Go.
Ah! Help! Uncle Larry stabbed me.
Mother of God, Meghan, he stabbed the kid! What the hell's going on out here? Help! He's got a fork! LARRY: Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! I should have known better than to utilize such a sharp utensil in the presence of a child! I need to report a man who's behaving erratically.
Yes, yes, he is a danger to himself and others.
-Oh, yes, it is quite sad.
-It was an accident.
We are having you committed, Larry! It's for your own good! Can I have my 10 bucks now? Oh, Richard.
You.
Inside.
Now.
You know, I thought tonight could be a chance for new beginnings.
Think again.
-Here we go.
-Oh, yeah, here we go.
-Come on! -Come on! MEGHAN: Nice try, degenerate.
Come on, these were wedding gifts.
[Toy squeaks.]
He's a dead man.
[Groans.]
GIRL: You said this afternoon was for us.
I'm almost to the grid, okay? What is it with this case? You're obsessed! Did he touch you? Show me on me where he did it.
He didn't touch me.
He just [Sighs.]
He just reminds me of someone, okay? FITZ: Oh, fuck.
[Josh exhales sharply .]
Give me that! Give me that! -No.
Sorry, boss.
No! -You fucking give me that! Fucking Larry.
This is all his fault.
I could kill that sanctimonious prick.
Yeah, well, killing's easy.
Gettin' rid of the body, that's the hard part.
Go on.
[Sighs.]
A few tips I picked up while on assignment in Vienna.
See, bodies decomp faster in open air, but some fuckin' hiker might come along and trip over it, right? See, my favorite, you dump 'em in an open grave, you put a little bit of dirt over top of 'em, the next morning they put a casket on top of it, and Wham, bam, thank you, shazam.
-How much? -Huh? What? To cap Larry.
If no one knows who the guy is, no one's gonna miss him.
Yeah, but I don't kill people anymore.
-You owe me! -For what? I could tell you, but you're just gonna forget in 10 seconds.
-Hey, man, that's -- -I don't care if the guy's dead.
I've got enough legal problems as it is.
I just want him gone.
Who? Oh, Sonja, hello.
Josh says that you think you're Fitz's conscience.
Ah.
"Conscience is a man's compass.
" Vincent van Gogh.
Are you his conscience or his compass? I'm just a man.
A gay man? -Hmm? -Oh, that's what Meghan says.
But Fitz just thinks you're crazy.
And an ass-juicer.
And that you're trying to get into my pants.
Are you trying to get into my pants? Don't be ridiculous.
I'd never fit.
[ Laughs .]
Uh, no.
No, I'm not.
Well, if you are his conscience, you're not a very good one.
Why would you say that? Well, because you told me not to you know, and now he's mad at me for not you-knowing him.
Sonja, the only way to ensure Richard a berth on the steamship to awesome is to cleanse his body of the vices that tether him to his moral turpitude.
You need to be strong, okay, for him.
Hi, Mr.
Fitz.
Hey, numb nuts, I need you to run an errand with Josh tonight.
Ooh, an errand.
What kind of errand? I don't have time for questions, shit-for-brains! Josh'll fill you in.
Not you and me? Think of it as quality time with a co-worker.
I am doing this because I care about your meat torpedo.
-"Moral turpitude.
" -Can't I care about both? [Retching.]
I hope Richard told you what we're doing, because I asked him, but he didn't tell me.
I mean, he said some other things, but I'm not gonna repeat them here, my friend, because they were -- [Shuddering.]
This is nice.
This is nice.
it's, um It gives us a chance to get to know each other, you know? To, um To bond, in a way? Josh, could you say something? Because the silence is sort of killing me a little bit, here.
Ooh, hey, driving gloves.
Yeah, don't like getting my hands sticky.
No, no, me neither! Oh, great! Hello! Yes! Is that Italian leather? Yeah, yeah.
Good eye.
-Nice.
-Thank you.
-You wanna listen to some music? -Yup.
Oh, great.
["We're Here for a Good Time (Not a Long Time)" by Trooper plays.]
-I love this song! -I love this song! [Both laugh.]
J' A very good friend of mine J' J' Told me somethin' the other day J' -What'd he tell you, Larry? -Listen to this.
J' I'm gonna pass it on to you J' J' 'Cause I believe what he said to be true J' -I never get that right.
-it's hard.
You bought the car?! Why would you buy the fuckin' car?! Larry said it was a good car! You were supposed to get rid of him, not buy the motherfuckin' car! Are you nuts? He cut me a sweet deal, man.
He's just so honest.
He really cares about the customer.
What about me, man? How come nobody gives a fuck about me? I care about you, bro.
I do.
Come on, let's hug it out.
Bring it in.
Hey, bring it in.
J' And the sun is shining J' J' Ooh, isn't it a pity? J' A symbol of our partnership! Yeah, I've been rethinking that little promise.
LARRY: Ooh! [Fitz grunting.]
LARRY: This violent behavior is not solving any problems! What kind of a man sabotages another man's life?! LARRY: No, no, it's not sabotage! I'm your conscience, and this, this is a present.
Happy sobriety! [Chuckles.]
Fuck your present! [Grunting.]
We're not giving up on you, Richard Fitzpatrick! -No way! -Nope.
J' And the sun is shining J' J' In this rainy city J' J' And the sun is shining J' J' Ooh, isn't it a pity? J' J' That every year has its share of tears J' J' Every now and then it's gotta rain J' J' We're here for a good time J' J' Not a long time J' Ugh! J' So have a good time J' J' The sun can't shine every day J' What are you all doing here? We're closed.
LARRY: We're here because we love you.
Whoa, whoa, let's not go crazy.
I was told there'd be cake.
Richard, this is your intervention.
With cake! Cake was definitely the draw for us.
But not only that, also to mock Fitz at his time of emotional weakness, huh? LARRY: Okay, this is not a place for judgments.
We are here to save Richards life.
I don't need an intervention.
See? He's fine! Let's celebrate! Sonja, go get us something sweet.
Why do I have to go? Okay, let's worry about Richard right now and dessert later.
Okay? Now, we're going to go around the room, and everyone is going to say honestly, sincerely, what we're feeling right now, okay? Meghan.
I'm feeling a little ripped off, to be honest.
Oh.
Uh, Ken.
Ken, is there something you'd like to say about your son's substance abuse? -Hey, could I get a hit off that? -Whiskey's for men.
No, no, that -- Uh, Josh.
Present.
Hmm? Gentlemen, anything? Alcohol is unclean.
You shame yourself and your tribe.
[Clears throat.]
Sonja? Yes, there is something I would like to share.
Oh, good.
[Clears throat.]
Ever since I started working here, you've all treated me like some kind of slave.
That's it.
That's all I've got.
Okay, I think what Sonja is trying to say is that she can't wait for someone to give her a chance.
But she has to take a chance on herself, okay? And when she dresses like this -- -Like what? -Like a whore.
LARRY: She is saying, "l don't trust my mind.
" But in order for the world to change its attitude towards Sonja, Sonja has to change her attitude towards Sonja.
Mmm, good girl.
-SONJA: Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Where did Richard go? He'd better be getting the fucking cake.
Or Chink food.
Spicy beef.
-You guys must know a good place.
-LARRY: Richard? MAN: We are not Chinese, you blue-eyed devil.
-KEN: Close enough.
-LARRY: Richard! Richard?! Oh, no, Richard! Carbon mon-- Suicide?! No, no, no, no! Richard, no, not like this! No! Life is precious! Richard, open up! [Blow-up doll squeaks.]
You're not Richard.
Oh, thank God you're safe.
Childproof locks? I know.
They're really dangerous.
[Coughs.]
No! No, Richard, murdering me is a sure sign you need help.
Oh, it isn't murder.
You're my conscience.
I look at it as selective suicide.
Richard! Think about your progress.
This is gonna set you back weeks! Good-bye, Larry! No, no.
No, no, no! No! Oh, God.
[Coughing.]
MEGHAN: Oh, Dick.
He warned us you would try something like this.
[Whistles.]
Kid's got a nose for crazy.
Holy shit, is that a hotbox? Hey, Larry, let me in, man! Holy cow! MEGHAN: Open the door.
Nice try.
JOSH: Whoa, that's not weed! [Siren wails.]
Hey, hey, get off me! [Grunts.]
Larry warned us you were on the edge, but murder? Anything for fucking attention.
I'd have died if it wasn't for the oxygen in this blow-up doll.
Am I the only one that's got any sense around here? He's trying to fool you.
Can't you see he's the crazy one? We're getting you the help you need, Richard.
We're in this together.
I don't do partners.
Get off me! Ugh! Look at him.
Look at his ears.
He's not even human! I hope you don't think I'm payin' for this.
MAN: All right, take it easy.
He's He's not hu-- [Siren blaring.]
Doctor says you can have a visitor, so Well, good news: You're not crazy.
Just a little stressed from the alcohol withdrawal.
I'm sorry about that, Richard, but it had to be done.
You have to think about your liver.
[Clears throat, sniffs.]
Well, everybody wants me to press charges against you, especially Ali Devon.
But don't worry, okay, because I'm not going to contribute to the growing involuntary manslaughter case against you.
J' You get me in a spin J' J' Oh, what a stew I'm in J' LARRY: I think all this was, was just a cry for help partner, and, uh I felt it.
I felt it.
[sniffling.]
J' And isn't it a shame? J' LARRY: Well, 24 more hours and you're out of here, right? And then tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives.
Aha.
J' If you'd only play my game J' J' You know I went to school J' J' And I'm nobody's fool J' J' That is to say until I met you J' You're not my conscience.
J' Oh, what a stew I'm in J' You're not my conscience! Is 24 more hours gonna be enough time for him to dry out? I don't know.
Cover me.
J' About a lot of things J' J' But I don't know enough about you J' J' I know a little bit about a lot of things J' J' But I don't know enough, baby, 'bout you J' Fuck you, Dick Fitz!