Call Me Fitz (2010) s01e05 Episode Script
The Back End
FITZ: Fitzpatricks are not a sentimental people.
LARRY: Looking good! Tradition, surprises.
' fuck that! I've never given a crap about birthdays, and I'm sure as shit not going to change up my routine now.
FITZ: Oh, yeah! And I don't appreciate anyone else changing it either.
Richard, we're just about ready to go -- Oh, dear God! -Oh, fuck, don't you knock? -LARRY: How could you? On such a special day? Ä°t's the old man's birthday! it's not a fucking moon landing! Okay, Richard, from now on, we're celebrating milestones with meaning, huh? And gifts! Last chance to get in on the present! Not if my fucking life depended on it! I'll take that as a maybe.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick, I need to see you in -- Oh, my God! -[ Laughs.]
-KEN: Don't you knock?! LARRY: We wanted to do something a little extra special for the big 6-3, Mr.
F.
, so get ready for cake, champagne, and presents! [Party favors tooting.]
This should be good.
Um, hap-- happy birthday.
-Did you get him anything? -No.
Wait.
Why? Did you? What? Me? No! Not really! [Ken laughs.]
You got that right, sweet cheeks! Come here.
Oh! [Squealing.]
So, we done here? We're having fun! Now, we know how stressful it is to manage us all the time, right? Always being the top dog, so And since we can't add years to your life, we're adding life to your -- to your years! Total Life Spa.
MEGHAN: it's whole day of pampering.
They give you mud baths and your massages, even facials.
And you know what the best part is? I'm coming with! Oh, what a crock! What? You don't think I deserve it? Thanks, douche bag.
-You too, Larry.
-Oh.
Uh, speech! Speech, speech! Look, I never saw the point of all this birthday nonsense.
But today I realized it's a great way to measure how people worship your ass.
[ Laughs .]
Your turn, stupid.
What did my one and only son get me in my honor? Oh, come on! You know Meghan had nothing to do with that! That fruity gift is all Larry! -Jealous! -KEN: Nothing.
Figures.
Of course I got you something.
Ä°t's just, uh it's not here yet.
-[ Scoffs.]
-FITZ: But it's one of a kind.
Ä°t's amazing! Ä°t's way better than some dumb-ass spa experience! Spa your face, asshole! [Mockingly.]
: Spa your face, asshole! Where's my fucking bubbly? Uh! None for him.
[Chuckles.]
[Party favors tooting.]
J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' Show's over.
Scram.
Don't you see what's happening here? This emotion, this frisson of beautiful anguish.
Ä°t's the -- Hey! Oh, I don't think my arm is supposed to bend that way! First you interrupt my morning jizz, then you show me up in front of the old man? Richard, you're acting out because you're feeling guilty.
Okay, you want your father's approval, but you don't know how to get it.
And that makes you mad, and that makes you angry -- Ugh! -- and violent, and I don't think -- I can't breathe right now! Ugh! You crazy fuck! Now I've got to waste a fortune on that old bastard! No, Richard, you don't have to spend a fortune at all.
You know, the best gifts are often homemade.
Just do something to remind Ken of all the beautiful moments you've shared as father and son.
The only thing that sick fuck and I ever had in common was porn.
And cars.
But mostly porn.
Ah.
Wait a minute.
That's not a bad idea.
Who's the one person in this world that the old man loves more than anyone else? Oh, I think Ken loves you as much as Meghan, but -- I'm talking about stripper and former porn actress Candy Box! She never fails to get him off, and, at his age, that's saying something.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, Richard, you're not going to buy your father a night of sex? No, he's far too lazy and selfish to spend a night in Candy's actual box.
I'm talking about making him a custom porno starring Candy and featuring all of his favorite shit.
Ä°t's the gift that keeps on coming! Uh, that's not what I had in mind! No, no, that's the opposite of what I had in mind.
Ring-a-ding-ding, baby! Ring-a-ding-ding! Mmm! Yeah.
All right, we'll shoot it here when Meghan takes the old man for his gay spa day.
-Make it a surprise.
-Can I shoot it? My C.
O.
said that my recon footage in Kabul made him cry.
It was either that or the exploding livestock.
I've got a great idea for the opening.
Candy comes in and asks a young stud to rotate her tires, but what she really means is her boobs.
-Nice.
'Cause they're both round.
-Yeah, yeah.
All right, now over there, I'm seeing pictures of baseball stars: Clemens, Jeter, but no one really black, 'cause that's way too threatening.
And Ken shares the birthdays of Captain Kangaroo and Helen Keller.
Let's get photos of them, too.
-Nice.
That's hot.
-Yeah.
And a car.
A car that Ken would really like, like that '74 Corvette.
That's where the actual boning will take place.
Dude, that that's going to be fucking beautiful, man.
[Whimpers.]
Oh, go fuck yourself.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
Interloper! Caught red-handed.
Who's your operator? Tell us, come on! Are you working for Richard Fitzpatrick? I would never work for that lowlife murdering snake! What do you mean, "murdering"? He got away with attempted murder, and I'm going to make him pay.
Babs Devon may be just one lone victim of the patriarchal system, but, through her, I will strike a blow against phallocentric injustice everywhere! Is the enemy of our enemy our enemy or is the enemy of our enemy our friend and our enemy's enemy? -Hmm? -Come again? It's more poetic in original Pashto.
-You're pathetic.
-No, listen to me.
We are hard-working, success-oriented oar dealers, huh, who happen to share your dislike for the one who calls himself "The Fitz.
" Let us tag-team you and defeat him as a three-way! Even as I said this, I knew it was wrong.
He must be stopped, huh, always tampering with our merchandise.
Yeah, truly.
Who sells a car for $69? KARA: No can do.
I already have a guy on the inside.
So, eat me.
Mmm! Richard, we need to discuss this pornographic film you are proposing.
Get lost, numb-nuts.
Even if you convince Miss Box to do your film, Richard, I read the script and, frankly, I've got some problems with it.
Okay, it's crude, misogynistic, and the story makes no sense.
I mean, who calls a plumber and then doesn't have the money to pay for his services? Okay, look, you're the one who convinced me to do something to show the old man that I care, okay? And like it or not, in Fitz-speak, nothing says "l love you" like homemade porn.
Well, I can't deny you're putting an awful lot of thought into this.
I was up all night writing and working on my shot list.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
Well, it is something Ken might like.
Oh, yeah! And my intentions are good, and that's all that counts.
[Door opens .]
[Cougar roars .]
FITZ: Oh, yeah! God! Richard Fitzpatrick? -FITZ: Call me Fitz.
-Business before pleasure.
If I had a dime for every time I heard that.
Yeah, here you go, as discussed.
Where'd you get that? Let's just say a horse came in, which is a good thing, 'cause I sold your car.
-You did what? -So, we making a movie? Action! Hells yeah.
So, Dick Fitz is a great porn name.
We ever worked together before, honey? Oh, I'm sure I would have remembered that! Who are you? Oh, uh, I'm Larry, Miss Box.
And may I just say, I loved your work in "The Curious Case of Benjamin's Butthole" and "Mighty Dicks 6.
" You saw those? Well, you did, so technically I saw them, too.
You see, Richard and I have a very complicated relationship.
I'm sort of here to help him -- By leaving! Get out of here, Larry! If you leave right now, I'll make you an assistant producer.
I am an investor! Fine, associate producer! Now get the fuck out of here! LARRY: Nice to meet you, Miss Box! I look forward to working with you! You're very pretty! "Mr.
Associate Producer.
" "Good evening, Mr.
Associate Producer! I'll show you to your seat now!" [Cellphone ringing.]
Oh, fuck! Find me a co-star yet? See, I've been thinking, Fitzy.
I mean, is this all really legal? You know: after hours, non-union, animals and shit? Since when do you give a shit about legal? Sorry I'm late! First day of pre-production, so exciting! This is going to be the best erotic vanity film ever! -Can I get a what-what? -JOSH: Ball shot! These just arrived.
Normally, I would be offended, but a real woman owns her sexuality and doesn't judge the erotic tastes of others.
But that one is gross.
Why don't you put that in my office? You got it.
Gentlemen! Right over here is where the real action is going to take place.
Candy will be waxing the yellow '74 Corvette.
She'll do a little Marilyn Monroe: J' Happy birthday, Mn President J' -And then -- -Yes! I read the script last night, and I made a couple of tweaks.
-"For the Love of Ken"? -Yes! -What the fuck is this? -What, you don't like it? Ä°t's supposed to be called "Trans-fuckers"! -Like that car movie? -Yeah, with the robots.
Yeah, that was funny! With their Yeah, okay, there were a couple of robots in it.
-No, no, I just thought-- -No one cares what you think, Larry! Now get the fuck out of here before you curse my set with your total unfuckability! [Birds calling.]
MEGHAN: This is so relaxing.
Ä°sn't this relaxing, Dad? I think it's incredibly relaxing.
I haven't been this relaxed in -- I don't even know -- years? I can just feel the toxins that have been building up since Saul left oozing away.
You know, Daddy, you could never do anything like this with Richard.
This is a special moment between you and me! [ Laughs .]
Okay, you can, uh, do me now.
Oh.
Do me now! [ Laughs .]
I didn't When do I get my happy ending? FITZ: No, no, no, no! What the hell is this? Ah? Where's my yellow Corvette? Is it too much to ask, really? A man has a vision of a yellow Corvette.
He's promised a yellow Corvette! And, God damn it, I want my yellow Corvette! Larry said it didn't really matter what kind of oar we used.
FITZ: You did this? Well, it's just a car, Richard.
An inanimate object.
What's important is that you're learning to express your feelings for your father, focusing on the human -- What's important is that my gift blows Meghan's gift out of the water! Candy's here! Oh, finally, a professional.
[Scoffs.]
[imitates scoffing sound.]
[imitates scoffing sound.]
Miss Box.
Hey, hey, come back here and get your toy! I am not your maid! Sorry I'm late.
Midget Wrangler go AWOL? Nah, the wench who waxes my hoo-ha is a crazy perfectionist, and she didn't have time to finish, so you're only going to be able to shoot me from the left side.
Huh.
[Candy hocks, spits .]
All right, let's shoot this thang! [Both chuckle.]
Yeah, let's.
[Sighs.]
[Boy grunting.]
Sorry about this shit box.
It was supposed to be a Corvette.
Yeah, there was a bit of a mix-up, I admit.
But I think that this color brings out the flecks of gold in your eyes.
Trust me, boys: Once I get busy, ain't nobody going to be worrying about my eyes.
Where's my wood? MAN: Here you go! Good time! Oh, man, really? Eh, I've done worse.
This one movie I shot in Mexico, it was called "Stuff My Taco," only the guy's frijoles pintos couldn't even fill a taquito, if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah No, not really.
Oh, a taquito's like a little chimichanga kind of thing? Man, I could go for an enchilada right now.
Yeah, could we get going here? I've got a bit of a time crunch.
Yeah, okay, you're right, you're right.
LARRY: Look, Richard, we don't want to sacrifice quality by rushing things here, okay? Because this present could be your last chance to earn your father's respect.
How about I turn my fist into a 5-fingered present and start gifting you in the face? I'm sure he'll be impressed no matter how expensive and fabulous the spa day with Meghan proves to be.
Oh, fuck me! Candy, you almost ready? Yeah, I just got to shake out the girls.
Okay, good to go? Ah, fuck! My back! Fuck! -Somebody get me some ice.
-SONJA: On it! FITZ: Uh, Candy, uh, I don't mean to press, but as they say in the industry, we are going limp here.
LARRY: Richard, Miss Box is injured, okay? And the health of our cast and crew is far more important than any film! Oh, so now it's just a film? What happened to "last chance to earn the old man's respect"? If you give me then I'll be ready for 5 hours on my back.
-You know what I'm saying? -I don't.
[Cellphone ringing.]
FITZ: Hey, what'd I say about cellphones on the set? Hello? -KARA: Outside, now! -Fuck! Hey, where you going? We got to shoot this puppy! Oh, no, darlings, no! Ä°t's just an expression, like "can't get wood" or "pink sock.
" Oh, pink sock is when your rectum prolapses from being repeatedly blasted by -- -Oh, look, kids, here's the ice! -Oh, thanks, doll.
Maybe we could start with a scene where I'm sitting down.
Kids, go get Mommy her muscle relaxants from her purse! BOY: Come on! And a beer! BOY: Okay! Hot, right? You can't be here! Oh, really? I know what you're doing in there.
You're shooting porn! You disgust me with your sexual exploitation of women, and I need you to put me in that movie! You are underage, so no, no, no! That's the whole point.
If I'm in the movie, then Fitz becomes a child pornographer, and Kara, the junior survivalist, gets her man and her "Gets Her Man" badge! Well, I am no narc! So deal with it.
I tell the cops you kissed me, and you'll be the one going up-river.
So, who's it going to be, Josh? You or Fitz? You know, you can't blackmail me, not if I do this.
[Cellphone clatters.]
Oh, no! What happened to your precious incriminating evidence? Oh, what do you think of this? Or that? What happens if I did that a little bit? Or maybe if I did a little bit of this? [Singing.]
Whoa! -That was your phone.
-Oh, fuck! You know what? You still can't come in! [Snapping.]
I'm going to get a new phone! You ever thought about going pro? worth of plastic surgery and you'd be a natural! Oh, uh, thank you, but, um, all those different partners, I don't know.
Honey, I had the same co-star for years.
Closest thing I ever had to love.
Hairy motherfucker! FITZ: Places! Think about it.
FITZ: Let's go, people, come on! Richard, we really need to discuss -- "Trans-fuckers," directed by Richard Fitzpatrick.
Cameraman, Joshua McTaggert.
Take 1, scene 1, shot 1.
And action! CANDY: Oh, God! Get over here! You sexy motherfucker! Oh! [Cracking.]
Aah! -OW, my back! -FITZ: Cut it! No, it's fine, it's fine.
I'm a professional, okay? I went into labor with that one, and still managed to gang-bang a whole IT department -on "IT Department Gang Bang 4.
" -MAN: Go again? All right, well, let's try it again! Uh, places, everybody, back to one.
JOSH: "Trans-fuckers," Richard Fitzpatrick, director -- FITZ: Oh, fuck, hurry up, okay! JOSH: You wanted a slate! We're doing a slate! Jesus.
Action! -I'm supposed to say, "Action!" -JOSH: Then, say, "Action!" FITZ: All right, here we go.
And action! CANDY: Oh, baby! Oh, you are so hot! Ohh, baby! MAN: Hey, baby, check out my master cylinder.
CANDY: Oh, my God! Uh! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck, my fucking contact lens! Oh, my God! It got me right in the eye! -Cut.
-JOSH: Cutting.
[Boys giggling.]
CANDY: Oh, these these damn implants.
They got my spine twisted up like a pretzel.
Yeah.
The things I do to keep these kids in Montessori.
Hmm.
Call me, I owe you guys another go-around.
-Okay, dear.
-Okay.
Boys: Up, up, and away! [Engine turns over.]
-Bye, guys! -Bye! -See you later! -Bye.
[Cheering.]
You know, it might not be too late to write Ken a nice birthday poem? Here's a poem.
Roses are red.
Larry, fuck off! That doesn't even rhyme.
I could have just dropped you off at home.
It would have given us more time to listen to that new Enya CD.
Ä°t's very relaxing! Where -- Daddy! You forgot your body butter! All right, shut it down! What are you, deaf? That's a wrap! Show's over.
We're done here! Done? Done with what, dickwad? Oh, uh it was supposed to be a surprise, Sir.
Richard was making a present for your birthday.
What, another fucking ashtray? No, sir, not another ashtray.
Ä°t's a pornographic film! That's right, it was actually very sweet.
He even hired your fantasy sweetheart.
[Scoffs.]
Candy Box? How the hell old is she now? -34, you moron.
-MEGHAN: So what? In stripper years, that's like 105.
I haven't cranked the bats to her in years.
Yeah, well, the shoot's not happening.
Our star blew her back out before she could blow anything else.
-Happy fucking birthday! -No, wait! [Meghan giggling.]
You're such a quitter.
One setback, and you bail.
You can't make porn without vagina.
Oh, I have a vagina! I could do it.
-Hi, there.
-Uh, or me? -Ha, there you go.
-MEGHAN: Hey! Sonja, no.
Y-You would do that? SONJA: Yes.
-Uh, as long as it's with Fitz.
-FITZ: No! Nuh-uh.
You're a bunch of sick fuckers.
There's no way that I'm starring in a birthday-present spank movie for my old man! You got that right! I don't want to watch it.
I want to sell it! Money -- now there's a fucking birthday present.
[Door closes .]
[Both grunt.]
I'm not so sure this is a good idea.
I mean, Candy Box was a trained professional.
This was just another day at the office for her -- Oh! Hey, it's just sex.
It's not like we haven't had sex in public before, right, babe? Guilty as charged.
[Clears throat.]
How do I look? Smoking.
Vulnerable.
Hey, making this video for Ken was your idea in the first place.
-Now be my conscience and help me! -How? I don't know.
Go fluff something.
Just get out of here! You sure you're okay with this? I mean, I don't need another lawsuit.
Of course I'm sure.
We care about each other, and I want to help.
You ready? Yeah.
Yeah, I just need a minute.
[ Smooches, blows .]
Fuck.
[Sonja clears throat.]
Richard! FITZ: Just a minute.
Okay.
Uh, I bet it's just a case of nerves.
You know, it's, um -- You know what? Let's help Richard out, okay? He doesn't have to be the only one whose epidermis is showing, right? Richard? Come on, buddy.
I'm here for you! No need to be self-conscious.
Fist bump! All right, roll camera.
[Sonja clears throat.]
JOSH: Okay, rolling.
FITZ: Okay.
Okay.
[Sonja clears throat.]
JOSH: Still still rolling.
Is everything okay? -Yeah.
-Okay.
Okay, time.
-JOSH: What are you -- -SONJA: What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? LARRY: The leading man needs a moment! Come on, little buddy.
Get your head in the game.
Richard, you're having a moment.
Fuck off, Larry.
I see what's happening here.
Okay, there is a part of you that does not want to do this.
Yeah, my dick.
Richard, you are no less of a man because you cannot bring yourself to exploit Sonja.
I can bring myself to exploit Sonja just fine! In fact, it makes you even more of a man, and this is more of a gift to Ken than any old pornographic film! Richard, you are an empath! Fuck you, I am not! Hey, hey, come on! I'm protecting you, Richard! We're finally working together! So, you won't roll around on camera with me, but it's okay with him! FITZ: Stop ruining my porno! LARRY: You're ruining your own porno! FITZ: Get out of my life! LARRY: I can't get out of your life until you're whole again! Damn it, we're one! We're like two reflections in a mirror! [Grunting.]
We're two pieces of a coin.
[Man laughing, grunting continues.]
This thing could have made some real coin, and that shit stain puts it online for free.
LARRY: We're going down together! MEGHAN: What you watching there, sweetie? Uncle Larry and Uncle Richard fighting.
What else is new? JUSTIN: They're not wearing any pants.
Fuck! [Groans.]
I must admit, these production values are really top-notch.
Hmm, cousin, I have to agree.
-LARRY: And good for you! -FITZ.
' Get out of my life! LARRY: I can't get out of your life, Richard, because we're one! We're like two reflections in a mirror! We're two pieces of a coin.
[ Grunting .]
A wise man once said, give love and you'll get love in return.
I think it was Jesus, but it might have been Sting! You're a dead man, Larry, a dead man! We're going down together! [ Grunting .]
LARRY: Looking good! Tradition, surprises.
' fuck that! I've never given a crap about birthdays, and I'm sure as shit not going to change up my routine now.
FITZ: Oh, yeah! And I don't appreciate anyone else changing it either.
Richard, we're just about ready to go -- Oh, dear God! -Oh, fuck, don't you knock? -LARRY: How could you? On such a special day? Ä°t's the old man's birthday! it's not a fucking moon landing! Okay, Richard, from now on, we're celebrating milestones with meaning, huh? And gifts! Last chance to get in on the present! Not if my fucking life depended on it! I'll take that as a maybe.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick, I need to see you in -- Oh, my God! -[ Laughs.]
-KEN: Don't you knock?! LARRY: We wanted to do something a little extra special for the big 6-3, Mr.
F.
, so get ready for cake, champagne, and presents! [Party favors tooting.]
This should be good.
Um, hap-- happy birthday.
-Did you get him anything? -No.
Wait.
Why? Did you? What? Me? No! Not really! [Ken laughs.]
You got that right, sweet cheeks! Come here.
Oh! [Squealing.]
So, we done here? We're having fun! Now, we know how stressful it is to manage us all the time, right? Always being the top dog, so And since we can't add years to your life, we're adding life to your -- to your years! Total Life Spa.
MEGHAN: it's whole day of pampering.
They give you mud baths and your massages, even facials.
And you know what the best part is? I'm coming with! Oh, what a crock! What? You don't think I deserve it? Thanks, douche bag.
-You too, Larry.
-Oh.
Uh, speech! Speech, speech! Look, I never saw the point of all this birthday nonsense.
But today I realized it's a great way to measure how people worship your ass.
[ Laughs .]
Your turn, stupid.
What did my one and only son get me in my honor? Oh, come on! You know Meghan had nothing to do with that! That fruity gift is all Larry! -Jealous! -KEN: Nothing.
Figures.
Of course I got you something.
Ä°t's just, uh it's not here yet.
-[ Scoffs.]
-FITZ: But it's one of a kind.
Ä°t's amazing! Ä°t's way better than some dumb-ass spa experience! Spa your face, asshole! [Mockingly.]
: Spa your face, asshole! Where's my fucking bubbly? Uh! None for him.
[Chuckles.]
[Party favors tooting.]
J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' Show's over.
Scram.
Don't you see what's happening here? This emotion, this frisson of beautiful anguish.
Ä°t's the -- Hey! Oh, I don't think my arm is supposed to bend that way! First you interrupt my morning jizz, then you show me up in front of the old man? Richard, you're acting out because you're feeling guilty.
Okay, you want your father's approval, but you don't know how to get it.
And that makes you mad, and that makes you angry -- Ugh! -- and violent, and I don't think -- I can't breathe right now! Ugh! You crazy fuck! Now I've got to waste a fortune on that old bastard! No, Richard, you don't have to spend a fortune at all.
You know, the best gifts are often homemade.
Just do something to remind Ken of all the beautiful moments you've shared as father and son.
The only thing that sick fuck and I ever had in common was porn.
And cars.
But mostly porn.
Ah.
Wait a minute.
That's not a bad idea.
Who's the one person in this world that the old man loves more than anyone else? Oh, I think Ken loves you as much as Meghan, but -- I'm talking about stripper and former porn actress Candy Box! She never fails to get him off, and, at his age, that's saying something.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, Richard, you're not going to buy your father a night of sex? No, he's far too lazy and selfish to spend a night in Candy's actual box.
I'm talking about making him a custom porno starring Candy and featuring all of his favorite shit.
Ä°t's the gift that keeps on coming! Uh, that's not what I had in mind! No, no, that's the opposite of what I had in mind.
Ring-a-ding-ding, baby! Ring-a-ding-ding! Mmm! Yeah.
All right, we'll shoot it here when Meghan takes the old man for his gay spa day.
-Make it a surprise.
-Can I shoot it? My C.
O.
said that my recon footage in Kabul made him cry.
It was either that or the exploding livestock.
I've got a great idea for the opening.
Candy comes in and asks a young stud to rotate her tires, but what she really means is her boobs.
-Nice.
'Cause they're both round.
-Yeah, yeah.
All right, now over there, I'm seeing pictures of baseball stars: Clemens, Jeter, but no one really black, 'cause that's way too threatening.
And Ken shares the birthdays of Captain Kangaroo and Helen Keller.
Let's get photos of them, too.
-Nice.
That's hot.
-Yeah.
And a car.
A car that Ken would really like, like that '74 Corvette.
That's where the actual boning will take place.
Dude, that that's going to be fucking beautiful, man.
[Whimpers.]
Oh, go fuck yourself.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
Interloper! Caught red-handed.
Who's your operator? Tell us, come on! Are you working for Richard Fitzpatrick? I would never work for that lowlife murdering snake! What do you mean, "murdering"? He got away with attempted murder, and I'm going to make him pay.
Babs Devon may be just one lone victim of the patriarchal system, but, through her, I will strike a blow against phallocentric injustice everywhere! Is the enemy of our enemy our enemy or is the enemy of our enemy our friend and our enemy's enemy? -Hmm? -Come again? It's more poetic in original Pashto.
-You're pathetic.
-No, listen to me.
We are hard-working, success-oriented oar dealers, huh, who happen to share your dislike for the one who calls himself "The Fitz.
" Let us tag-team you and defeat him as a three-way! Even as I said this, I knew it was wrong.
He must be stopped, huh, always tampering with our merchandise.
Yeah, truly.
Who sells a car for $69? KARA: No can do.
I already have a guy on the inside.
So, eat me.
Mmm! Richard, we need to discuss this pornographic film you are proposing.
Get lost, numb-nuts.
Even if you convince Miss Box to do your film, Richard, I read the script and, frankly, I've got some problems with it.
Okay, it's crude, misogynistic, and the story makes no sense.
I mean, who calls a plumber and then doesn't have the money to pay for his services? Okay, look, you're the one who convinced me to do something to show the old man that I care, okay? And like it or not, in Fitz-speak, nothing says "l love you" like homemade porn.
Well, I can't deny you're putting an awful lot of thought into this.
I was up all night writing and working on my shot list.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
Well, it is something Ken might like.
Oh, yeah! And my intentions are good, and that's all that counts.
[Door opens .]
[Cougar roars .]
FITZ: Oh, yeah! God! Richard Fitzpatrick? -FITZ: Call me Fitz.
-Business before pleasure.
If I had a dime for every time I heard that.
Yeah, here you go, as discussed.
Where'd you get that? Let's just say a horse came in, which is a good thing, 'cause I sold your car.
-You did what? -So, we making a movie? Action! Hells yeah.
So, Dick Fitz is a great porn name.
We ever worked together before, honey? Oh, I'm sure I would have remembered that! Who are you? Oh, uh, I'm Larry, Miss Box.
And may I just say, I loved your work in "The Curious Case of Benjamin's Butthole" and "Mighty Dicks 6.
" You saw those? Well, you did, so technically I saw them, too.
You see, Richard and I have a very complicated relationship.
I'm sort of here to help him -- By leaving! Get out of here, Larry! If you leave right now, I'll make you an assistant producer.
I am an investor! Fine, associate producer! Now get the fuck out of here! LARRY: Nice to meet you, Miss Box! I look forward to working with you! You're very pretty! "Mr.
Associate Producer.
" "Good evening, Mr.
Associate Producer! I'll show you to your seat now!" [Cellphone ringing.]
Oh, fuck! Find me a co-star yet? See, I've been thinking, Fitzy.
I mean, is this all really legal? You know: after hours, non-union, animals and shit? Since when do you give a shit about legal? Sorry I'm late! First day of pre-production, so exciting! This is going to be the best erotic vanity film ever! -Can I get a what-what? -JOSH: Ball shot! These just arrived.
Normally, I would be offended, but a real woman owns her sexuality and doesn't judge the erotic tastes of others.
But that one is gross.
Why don't you put that in my office? You got it.
Gentlemen! Right over here is where the real action is going to take place.
Candy will be waxing the yellow '74 Corvette.
She'll do a little Marilyn Monroe: J' Happy birthday, Mn President J' -And then -- -Yes! I read the script last night, and I made a couple of tweaks.
-"For the Love of Ken"? -Yes! -What the fuck is this? -What, you don't like it? Ä°t's supposed to be called "Trans-fuckers"! -Like that car movie? -Yeah, with the robots.
Yeah, that was funny! With their Yeah, okay, there were a couple of robots in it.
-No, no, I just thought-- -No one cares what you think, Larry! Now get the fuck out of here before you curse my set with your total unfuckability! [Birds calling.]
MEGHAN: This is so relaxing.
Ä°sn't this relaxing, Dad? I think it's incredibly relaxing.
I haven't been this relaxed in -- I don't even know -- years? I can just feel the toxins that have been building up since Saul left oozing away.
You know, Daddy, you could never do anything like this with Richard.
This is a special moment between you and me! [ Laughs .]
Okay, you can, uh, do me now.
Oh.
Do me now! [ Laughs .]
I didn't When do I get my happy ending? FITZ: No, no, no, no! What the hell is this? Ah? Where's my yellow Corvette? Is it too much to ask, really? A man has a vision of a yellow Corvette.
He's promised a yellow Corvette! And, God damn it, I want my yellow Corvette! Larry said it didn't really matter what kind of oar we used.
FITZ: You did this? Well, it's just a car, Richard.
An inanimate object.
What's important is that you're learning to express your feelings for your father, focusing on the human -- What's important is that my gift blows Meghan's gift out of the water! Candy's here! Oh, finally, a professional.
[Scoffs.]
[imitates scoffing sound.]
[imitates scoffing sound.]
Miss Box.
Hey, hey, come back here and get your toy! I am not your maid! Sorry I'm late.
Midget Wrangler go AWOL? Nah, the wench who waxes my hoo-ha is a crazy perfectionist, and she didn't have time to finish, so you're only going to be able to shoot me from the left side.
Huh.
[Candy hocks, spits .]
All right, let's shoot this thang! [Both chuckle.]
Yeah, let's.
[Sighs.]
[Boy grunting.]
Sorry about this shit box.
It was supposed to be a Corvette.
Yeah, there was a bit of a mix-up, I admit.
But I think that this color brings out the flecks of gold in your eyes.
Trust me, boys: Once I get busy, ain't nobody going to be worrying about my eyes.
Where's my wood? MAN: Here you go! Good time! Oh, man, really? Eh, I've done worse.
This one movie I shot in Mexico, it was called "Stuff My Taco," only the guy's frijoles pintos couldn't even fill a taquito, if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah No, not really.
Oh, a taquito's like a little chimichanga kind of thing? Man, I could go for an enchilada right now.
Yeah, could we get going here? I've got a bit of a time crunch.
Yeah, okay, you're right, you're right.
LARRY: Look, Richard, we don't want to sacrifice quality by rushing things here, okay? Because this present could be your last chance to earn your father's respect.
How about I turn my fist into a 5-fingered present and start gifting you in the face? I'm sure he'll be impressed no matter how expensive and fabulous the spa day with Meghan proves to be.
Oh, fuck me! Candy, you almost ready? Yeah, I just got to shake out the girls.
Okay, good to go? Ah, fuck! My back! Fuck! -Somebody get me some ice.
-SONJA: On it! FITZ: Uh, Candy, uh, I don't mean to press, but as they say in the industry, we are going limp here.
LARRY: Richard, Miss Box is injured, okay? And the health of our cast and crew is far more important than any film! Oh, so now it's just a film? What happened to "last chance to earn the old man's respect"? If you give me then I'll be ready for 5 hours on my back.
-You know what I'm saying? -I don't.
[Cellphone ringing.]
FITZ: Hey, what'd I say about cellphones on the set? Hello? -KARA: Outside, now! -Fuck! Hey, where you going? We got to shoot this puppy! Oh, no, darlings, no! Ä°t's just an expression, like "can't get wood" or "pink sock.
" Oh, pink sock is when your rectum prolapses from being repeatedly blasted by -- -Oh, look, kids, here's the ice! -Oh, thanks, doll.
Maybe we could start with a scene where I'm sitting down.
Kids, go get Mommy her muscle relaxants from her purse! BOY: Come on! And a beer! BOY: Okay! Hot, right? You can't be here! Oh, really? I know what you're doing in there.
You're shooting porn! You disgust me with your sexual exploitation of women, and I need you to put me in that movie! You are underage, so no, no, no! That's the whole point.
If I'm in the movie, then Fitz becomes a child pornographer, and Kara, the junior survivalist, gets her man and her "Gets Her Man" badge! Well, I am no narc! So deal with it.
I tell the cops you kissed me, and you'll be the one going up-river.
So, who's it going to be, Josh? You or Fitz? You know, you can't blackmail me, not if I do this.
[Cellphone clatters.]
Oh, no! What happened to your precious incriminating evidence? Oh, what do you think of this? Or that? What happens if I did that a little bit? Or maybe if I did a little bit of this? [Singing.]
Whoa! -That was your phone.
-Oh, fuck! You know what? You still can't come in! [Snapping.]
I'm going to get a new phone! You ever thought about going pro? worth of plastic surgery and you'd be a natural! Oh, uh, thank you, but, um, all those different partners, I don't know.
Honey, I had the same co-star for years.
Closest thing I ever had to love.
Hairy motherfucker! FITZ: Places! Think about it.
FITZ: Let's go, people, come on! Richard, we really need to discuss -- "Trans-fuckers," directed by Richard Fitzpatrick.
Cameraman, Joshua McTaggert.
Take 1, scene 1, shot 1.
And action! CANDY: Oh, God! Get over here! You sexy motherfucker! Oh! [Cracking.]
Aah! -OW, my back! -FITZ: Cut it! No, it's fine, it's fine.
I'm a professional, okay? I went into labor with that one, and still managed to gang-bang a whole IT department -on "IT Department Gang Bang 4.
" -MAN: Go again? All right, well, let's try it again! Uh, places, everybody, back to one.
JOSH: "Trans-fuckers," Richard Fitzpatrick, director -- FITZ: Oh, fuck, hurry up, okay! JOSH: You wanted a slate! We're doing a slate! Jesus.
Action! -I'm supposed to say, "Action!" -JOSH: Then, say, "Action!" FITZ: All right, here we go.
And action! CANDY: Oh, baby! Oh, you are so hot! Ohh, baby! MAN: Hey, baby, check out my master cylinder.
CANDY: Oh, my God! Uh! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck, my fucking contact lens! Oh, my God! It got me right in the eye! -Cut.
-JOSH: Cutting.
[Boys giggling.]
CANDY: Oh, these these damn implants.
They got my spine twisted up like a pretzel.
Yeah.
The things I do to keep these kids in Montessori.
Hmm.
Call me, I owe you guys another go-around.
-Okay, dear.
-Okay.
Boys: Up, up, and away! [Engine turns over.]
-Bye, guys! -Bye! -See you later! -Bye.
[Cheering.]
You know, it might not be too late to write Ken a nice birthday poem? Here's a poem.
Roses are red.
Larry, fuck off! That doesn't even rhyme.
I could have just dropped you off at home.
It would have given us more time to listen to that new Enya CD.
Ä°t's very relaxing! Where -- Daddy! You forgot your body butter! All right, shut it down! What are you, deaf? That's a wrap! Show's over.
We're done here! Done? Done with what, dickwad? Oh, uh it was supposed to be a surprise, Sir.
Richard was making a present for your birthday.
What, another fucking ashtray? No, sir, not another ashtray.
Ä°t's a pornographic film! That's right, it was actually very sweet.
He even hired your fantasy sweetheart.
[Scoffs.]
Candy Box? How the hell old is she now? -34, you moron.
-MEGHAN: So what? In stripper years, that's like 105.
I haven't cranked the bats to her in years.
Yeah, well, the shoot's not happening.
Our star blew her back out before she could blow anything else.
-Happy fucking birthday! -No, wait! [Meghan giggling.]
You're such a quitter.
One setback, and you bail.
You can't make porn without vagina.
Oh, I have a vagina! I could do it.
-Hi, there.
-Uh, or me? -Ha, there you go.
-MEGHAN: Hey! Sonja, no.
Y-You would do that? SONJA: Yes.
-Uh, as long as it's with Fitz.
-FITZ: No! Nuh-uh.
You're a bunch of sick fuckers.
There's no way that I'm starring in a birthday-present spank movie for my old man! You got that right! I don't want to watch it.
I want to sell it! Money -- now there's a fucking birthday present.
[Door closes .]
[Both grunt.]
I'm not so sure this is a good idea.
I mean, Candy Box was a trained professional.
This was just another day at the office for her -- Oh! Hey, it's just sex.
It's not like we haven't had sex in public before, right, babe? Guilty as charged.
[Clears throat.]
How do I look? Smoking.
Vulnerable.
Hey, making this video for Ken was your idea in the first place.
-Now be my conscience and help me! -How? I don't know.
Go fluff something.
Just get out of here! You sure you're okay with this? I mean, I don't need another lawsuit.
Of course I'm sure.
We care about each other, and I want to help.
You ready? Yeah.
Yeah, I just need a minute.
[ Smooches, blows .]
Fuck.
[Sonja clears throat.]
Richard! FITZ: Just a minute.
Okay.
Uh, I bet it's just a case of nerves.
You know, it's, um -- You know what? Let's help Richard out, okay? He doesn't have to be the only one whose epidermis is showing, right? Richard? Come on, buddy.
I'm here for you! No need to be self-conscious.
Fist bump! All right, roll camera.
[Sonja clears throat.]
JOSH: Okay, rolling.
FITZ: Okay.
Okay.
[Sonja clears throat.]
JOSH: Still still rolling.
Is everything okay? -Yeah.
-Okay.
Okay, time.
-JOSH: What are you -- -SONJA: What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? LARRY: The leading man needs a moment! Come on, little buddy.
Get your head in the game.
Richard, you're having a moment.
Fuck off, Larry.
I see what's happening here.
Okay, there is a part of you that does not want to do this.
Yeah, my dick.
Richard, you are no less of a man because you cannot bring yourself to exploit Sonja.
I can bring myself to exploit Sonja just fine! In fact, it makes you even more of a man, and this is more of a gift to Ken than any old pornographic film! Richard, you are an empath! Fuck you, I am not! Hey, hey, come on! I'm protecting you, Richard! We're finally working together! So, you won't roll around on camera with me, but it's okay with him! FITZ: Stop ruining my porno! LARRY: You're ruining your own porno! FITZ: Get out of my life! LARRY: I can't get out of your life until you're whole again! Damn it, we're one! We're like two reflections in a mirror! [Grunting.]
We're two pieces of a coin.
[Man laughing, grunting continues.]
This thing could have made some real coin, and that shit stain puts it online for free.
LARRY: We're going down together! MEGHAN: What you watching there, sweetie? Uncle Larry and Uncle Richard fighting.
What else is new? JUSTIN: They're not wearing any pants.
Fuck! [Groans.]
I must admit, these production values are really top-notch.
Hmm, cousin, I have to agree.
-LARRY: And good for you! -FITZ.
' Get out of my life! LARRY: I can't get out of your life, Richard, because we're one! We're like two reflections in a mirror! We're two pieces of a coin.
[ Grunting .]
A wise man once said, give love and you'll get love in return.
I think it was Jesus, but it might have been Sting! You're a dead man, Larry, a dead man! We're going down together! [ Grunting .]