Call Me Fitz (2010) s01e09 Episode Script
The Upside of Matricide
[ "Anytime at All" by Matt Dusk plays.]
[Sirens wailing .]
J' Anytime J' J' Anytime you want me J' J' Honey, just let me know J' FITZ: Every relationship is a form of seduction.
It's not just your sex partners, it's your friends, your bank teller the cop considering arresting you for involuntary vehicular manslaughter.
.
-again.
-Oh, the humanity! And, like any seduction, there are simple rules to follow in order to get what you want.
One.
' be honest.
Ali Devon and I were in the car.
What were you doing there? She had just had a big fight with her mother.
I went out to smooth things over.
She was in the driver's seat.
Expect me to believe that all you did was talk? Two.
' agree with them.
It makes them feel smart and in charge.
Look, I know what you're thinking, officer, and you're absolutely right.
She is a hottie with a sweater full of goodness.
Three.
' show them your sensitive side.
Let them know that you care.
But I did marry her mother.
Oh, God, Babs.
I loved her to death.
Let me rephrase that.
Wait here.
Of course, like any seduction, you have to watch out for the cock block, a force of nature, like an ex-boyfriend, a fugly BFF, or the other police officer who's arrested you once already on similar charges.
You can't fight it.
Just ride out the storm and hope for the best.
Miss Devon confirms your story.
Sounds like this was just an unfortunate accident.
It was.
I know what happened in that car.
[Scoffs.]
What didn't happen? You and Ali bonded.
Hey, give your mouth the night off, will you? If these cops find out that Ali and I were about to fool around -- You opened up to her, and she opened up to you.
She was about to until Babs turned herself into a street pizza.
Richard, don't rebuild that wall, the wall that you've built around your heart, the one that you use to keep people out.
Go get her.
Comfort her.
She needs compassion.
Like you know what a woman needs.
Martini? My mother's dead, and all you can think about is a martini? Well, I was thinking about several, actually.
We just ran over my mother.
We? You think this is my fault? Well, you were in the driver's seat.
Oh, my God! My mother is dead! Cock-blocked by a corpse.
Well, that's one for the biography.
[Engine turns over.]
What? J' Anytime at all J' J' Anytime at all J' J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' [Birds chirping.]
ALI: Thank you so much for the house call.
I used to think it was so morbid the way she would obsess about these things, but now I realize she was just trying to make it easier on me.
Your mother was a wise woman.
I can't tell you the amount of stress these questions can put on a family.
ALI: I just wish I'd realized that "l want an organic funeral" actually meant "l love you.
" And Eternal Sky Funeral Home is on the forefront of environmentally conscious services.
We offer everything from cruelty-free cosmetics to biodegradable caskets.
Well, all Mom ever wanted was to be placed in a hole in the ground, naked, and to have a single sapling planted on top.
Well, that's beautiful and completely illegal.
Excuse me? What we can do is cremate your mother, mix her ashes with some soil and plant some tomatoes or something.
Or, if you're feeling more adventurous, you could have her cremains turned into a diamond.
[Chuckles.]
My mother was very clear about her wishes.
And it's a crime that accommodating those wishes is a crime.
Now, how about an urn carved in your mother's image? ALI: You've got to be kidding me.
WOMAN: I hate to put this kind of pressure on the bereaved, but the natural process of decay has begun.
Flies have probably already laid eggs in your mother.
Any kind of open-casket service will be impossible within the next 24 hours without Eternal Sky Funeral Home's trademark embalming.
Think about it.
Babs is in a car accident with you and didn't die.
And then she's in another car accident with you and does die.
That's like destiny.
Or fate.
Or destiny.
[Chuckles.]
it's a pain in the ass, is what it is.
Yeah, but doesn't that mean you're off the hook? The way things are going for me lately, it's going to become my own private Chappaquiddick: everyone laying the blame on good old Fitzy.
Yep.
I lost someone I cared about.
Called herself Edith.
Former Golani Brigade.
We were black-bagging terrorist schools up and down the north coast of Africa.
Goat fuckers are waiting for us with a .
50-caliber-machine-gun nest of "Good Morning, Vietnam," if you know what I mean.
Edith strips down naked and storms in with nothing but two hand grenades and a smile.
Still can't eat a latke without crying.
Uh On the house.
[Speaking in Hebrew.]
Come here.
Ohh! Ä°t'll be okay.
Carpe diem.
My wife died last night.
[Sighs.]
I know.
I heard.
Oh, God, Fitz, I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
If there is anything I can do for you, anything, you come to me.
Our maintenance department went over this baby with a fine-toothed comb.
[Sonja moaning.]
Uh, guaranteed 80-point inspection and a lube job.
LARRY: I can't believe you.
Feeding off people's goodwill, profiting from Babe' death.
I am not profiting.
Hey, Fitz, I heard about your loss.
Listen if you need anything, just let me know.
Foot-long double-cheese meatball sub, extra sauce? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
[Clicks tongue.]
it's more likebartering.
People give me stuff, and I let them feel like they've helped me through this trying time.
Blended? Ugh.
You're happy she's dead.
No, it's just I've been rolling snake eyes instead of sevens lately, and now everything's coming up Fitz.
[Telephone rings .]
I've got to take this.
That's English for "fuck off.
" No, not you.
Who is this? I see.
How much? How soon? I'll be right over.
LARRY: As your conscience, I have a right to know what's going on here.
The bank just informed me they're ready to transfer all of my dead wife's accounts to me, the grieving husband.
A summer wind came blowing in from across the sea.
LARRY: No.
No, no, you cannot liquidate Mrs.
Devon's funds in order to build your mid-level, Vegas-strip-knockoff dream lounge.
What about Ali? How do you think she's going to feel about this? I think she made it pretty clear how she feels about me last night.
LARRY: Richard, no.
This is it, our Rubicon.
I thought it would happen later and involve fire, but here it is.
Do not cross this line.
Show me there's still an ounce of decency left in you.
Prove to me that you are worth saving.
Okay, one: I don't have to prove anything to you.
Two: I can cross any line I want.
And "C": I don't even know what the fuck a Rubicon is, so why should I give a shit? It involves Caesar and orgies and bestiality.
FITZ: I'm in.
WOMAN: Oh, baby.
You're so fucking hot.
-[ Chuckles.]
-Daddy? KEN: No way.
Ä°t's money, not toilet paper.
I'm not looking for a handout.
Ä°t's a loan.
Yeah? Then tap the deadbeat that knocked you up.
Daddy, I am a single mother now.
I have to show that I'm a responsible parent.
You want money? Then earn it, like the rest of the deadweight around here.
W-work here? For you? What, like slave wages? [Scoffs.]
I don't think so.
Forget it.
I don't need your help.
I don't need anybody.
[Sighs.]
When do I start? [Knock on door.]
No one should be alone at a time like this.
Do you need anything? Someone to talk to? A shoulder to cry on? I don't need sympathy.
Oh, how about a sandwich? I can make you a sandwich.
What I need is to dump my mother in a hole.
I know, I know, it's "illegal," but it's what she wanted.
Oh.
Well, then, what you need is someone who doesn't just cross the moral line, he ignores itcompletely.
Fitz? Oh, no, no, no.
You're just as insane as he is.
No, wait, wait, wait.
He'd be perfect.
-I don't need his help.
-LARRY: You do.
You'll never be able to pull this off alone.
You need to tear down that wall, the wall you've built around your heart to keep people away.
And I'm pretty sure he's done this before.
FITZ: Imagine a time when men were men and women were broads.
When music was performed, not sampled, and a drink was a cocktail, not a crantini.
Well, you don't have to imagine it anymore, not when you're at -- Hey.
The Summer Wind.
The Summer Wind.
FITZ: The land has been bought, the city council has been bribed.
All I need now is a couple of investors to trigger construction.
a private parking place.
And 50K gets you all of the above plus the opportunity to bone one of our waitresses per year.
-What a bargain.
-Richard, we have to talk.
Can't you see I'm with an investor? I'll give you two some privacy.
Oh, uh, listen, it's Ali.
She needs help with Babe' last wishes.
She said that? No.
No, she said you're a parasite and insane, but I sensed something deeper there.
It was love.
Yes! Yes, I'm sure of it! No.
No, no.
I'm all done with those Devon women.
They're a whole big bag of crazy.
You're only saying that because you're hurt.
No, I'm saying that because I've got something better to do now.
Josh, do you want to be head of security? Sorry, bro.
Nothing personal.
OW.
Hey, hey, no.
I've got money! Aah! No, you have the money you stole from me.
I didn't steal it.
I invested it.
In my dealership.
Our dealership.
And some other ventures, not to mention the commissions I've been making and some other sources.
Oh.
He's a wizard.
-Agreed.
-50.
-You just said 25.
-You agreed too quickly.
Well, then, we're partners.
Then you're a shut-the-fuck-up partner, and you don't get to bone any of my waitresses.
-Deal.
-FITZ: All right, let's go.
My dearly departed isn't going to bury herself.
Can I be your apprentice? I don't need an apprentice.
FITZ: Josh! LARRY: This is nice.
Ä°sn't this nice, the three of us working together? What is the plan to steal my mother's body? Don't you think they'll notice an empty casket? Ribs are on special today: [ Snaps fingers .]
Extra rare.
To go.
-LARRY: Oh, that's -- Oh.
-ALI: Ribs? Are you kidding me? Oh, Richard.
We certainly don't need more than 110.
Fine.
130 pounds.
Big boned.
Big boned? [Chuckles.]
This isn't going to work.
Oh, it's going to work.
Hey, and throw a couple of burgers in there, too, would ya? WAITRESS: Sure.
[Sighs.]
SONJA: We all share the ups.
Those are the people who walk onto the lot-- Shh-shh-shh-shh! Yowsa! Dibs.
SONJA: Oh, wait, that's Glen.
Just ignore him.
He acts like a B-bag, but his lowball is so unreasonable, you know he's just a lousy looksy.
See, that kind of attitude separates the winners from the Sonjas.
Wow! Ä°t's the middle of the day, and look at you! You're looking for a new car.
Most men I know are looking for work.
You must be rich.
Marry me! [Giggling.]
I'm kidding.
I'm MeghanFitzpatrick.
-I'm just browsing.
-Just Browsing? What kind of name is that? Is that Ukrainian? [Laughs.]
it's not your name.
You're Glen! So, what are you looking for today, Glen? You looking for a sports car? All fast and going places? Glen, the Adventurer, with his leather jacket and his whip! -No, really, I'm just browsing.
-MEGHAN: Okay, okay.
But if you were interested in getting into something today, what could I tempt you with, Glen? Well, uh, this would work for me, but, uh, $13,000 -- Whoa.
I could probably afford about $6,500.
[ Laughs .]
You're hilarious! We both know you're rich, so just go to the bank and get your money and come on back.
This oar is now on hold for you! -You don't have to do that.
-No, no, no.
it's no trouble.
You want this car, I want you in this car.
So this oar is now on hold for you, for Glen! Hey, no, no.
Nobody come near.
This is Glen's car! it's on hold! Nobody even think about it! [Giggling.]
I'm kidding.
Go get your money.
[Organ music playing.]
I'll give you both a few minutes.
Take your time.
[Door opens, closes.]
I still don't believe this is going to work.
Oh, it's going to work.
-LARRY: Excuse.
-ALI: Oh.
[Fitz grunts .]
[Gasps.]
God! Death smells like Indian food.
[Thump.]
-Start filling the coffin.
-Okay.
Uh All right, get back to the dealership and wait for us there.
When we get back there, we'll bury the stiff.
Respectfully.
[Door closes .]
[Door opens, footsteps approach.]
[Hinges squeak, lid slams.]
Why? Oh, why? -I'll come back.
-No, no.
Carry on.
Sometimes a family member finds closure by activ-- [Whirring.]
[Crackling.]
[Woman sniffing.]
[Horn honking.]
Mrs.
Devon, I apologize for the post-mortem deceit, but rest assured we're doing everything in our power to make sure you get the proper illegal burial you deserve, right after I research the cost of replacing the interior of this fine-quality sports utility vehicle.
Hey, Josh, make sure you watch her for me -- I mean, the car --for me, okay? The car.
For me.
[Electronic beeping.]
There's Glen's car! Josh, what's it doing here? [Engine turns over.]
Yeah, I got it, Larry.
ALI: I still can't believe that worked.
Yeah, even I'm impressed, and I don't impress easily.
Let's just get this over with so we can get on with our lives.
Larry, what the hell are you doing out here? You're supposed to be in the garage watching Babs' body.
Oh, don't worry.
Josh is watching that car like -- Totally on it, dude.
Oh.
Oh! Car's gone.
Yeah, it's gonna work, huh? it's gonna work? God, I should've known better than to trust you.
Oh, you can't blame Richard for this.
Oh, I don't blame Richard.
I blame you.
Yeah, Larry! This is all your fault! ALI: Yeah, you were the one who convinced me to trust him to begin with! And you're the one who told me that she asked for my help! God, you are so stupid! I have to agree.
You do? You and Richard are agreeing about something? Well, this is a big step.
I am so happy for both of you.
-Come here.
-We gotta find that fucking oar.
MEGHAN: isn't this great? I love this car.
Oh, you know what? If this were a romantic comedy, we'd be in the middle of our meet cute.
[Chuckles.]
That's what they call the scene where the couple that falls in love meets for the first time, and it's cute.
[ Laughs .]
[Sniffing.]
What's that smell? What smell? I don't smell anything.
[Laughs nervously .]
[Brakes squealing .]
[Both screaming.]
[Brakes squealing .]
What is this, some kind of hazing ritual? Yeah.
Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
Ä°t's a prank.
That's it, a prank.
Uh, sir, I'm Ali Devon, and you are? Glen.
Well, Glen, I'm a lawyer, and I can assure you that this is not what it looks like.
-Looks like you've stolen a body.
-A victimless crime.
You see, Glen, that's my mother in there.
Babs.
She died recently and, um well, uh She She had a dream, Glen! She wanted to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
Organic burial, Glen.
That's what we're doing here.
Way of the future.
I'm calling the cops.
I'm calling Dad.
Who wants shares in a bar? What are you doing, Larry? I'm splitting my stake in the Summer Wind -- worth $50,000 -- to be split between Meghan and Glen in exchange for their compassion? I hope you run a bar better than you bury bodies.
Put a cork in it, Glen.
Can I have the cash instead? FITZ: All right, where are we going? Where are we burying her? I don't know.
Where are we burying her? Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.
Oh, you were the one who was planning everything.
How to get her out of the funeral home.
That was the deal.
Oh, you're right.
[Fitz sighs .]
You're right.
No, I'm a failure.
I am the worst daughter who ever lived.
LARRY: Come on, Richard.
You can think of one place that fits the bill, just a nice, safe plot of land with trees where Babs can be buried.
[Sighs.]
Yeah, I might know a place.
LARRY: Good.
Fuck.
[Birds squawking.]
[Fitz sighs .]
[Larry sighs .]
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
We are gathered here today, dearly beloved, in the sight of God and these good people.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I speak now or forever hold my peace.
For Babs gives us this day our daily bread! Shut up, Larry.
Can I please just have a moment to myself? I'm sorry for your loss.
[Sighs.]
Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
Richard.
Would you mind staying? I'd like you to hear this.
Sure.
ALI; [sighs.]
There you go, Mom.
Just like you always wanted.
I know this doesn't make up for all the grief I caused you as a kid: the binge drinking, the rampant promiscuity, the abortion -- Well, abortions.
I wish that I could have been a better daughter to you.
I'm just going to wait in the car.
And I wish that you could have been a better mother to me.
[Fitz clears throat.]
But why drudge up the past? I hope that now that you're dead we can finally be friends.
[Sighs.]
Well, here is something I never thought I'd say to you.
Thank you.
-For what? -For this.
Yeah, well What are stepfathers for? ALI: Oh! Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Oh, fuck me, Stepdaddy! [Moaning.]
[Both panting.]
Well, that's one way to spend a Saturday.
Oh, you better not be having second thoughts, or this will be a total "he said, she said.
" [Ali laughs.]
I'm okay with this.
You know, I actually feel kind of good.
I mean, that woman influenced my entire life, and now that she's gone I can finally be myself.
Huh.
And who is Ali Devon? I don't know.
That's what's so exciting.
A crap lawyer, maybe a street juggler, or an investor in a lounge.
I was thinking more along the lines of a full partnership.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
No.
Nothing personal.
Well are you sure? Whoa.
[Chuckles.]
I guess everything's negotiable.
My mother was many things, but, uh irresponsible with her money wasn't one of them.
She's got more cash squirreled away.
Yeah.
Oh, I know.
How do you think I paid for this piece of land? -You're going to build here? -Yeah.
-Where we just buried my mother? -Ooh.
-With my inheritance? -Ooh, Ali, nails.
Nails.
Nai-- Oh! OW! Wait, wait.
Oh, come on.
I'm not going to pave over her.
I'll put the tree in the center of a roundabout.
-ALI: [ Laughs .]
-What's so funny? I'm just thinking about all the grief I could have saved myself if I'd just fucked you in the first place.
Maybe then I wouldn't be standing out here right now wondering how I'm going to get back into town, where I'm going to get a morning-after pill from.
Wait a minute.
-Unbelievable.
-Oh, what? What do you want, some guy who's going to lie to you and tell you you look good when your ass is too fat? Some clown who'll go antiquing with you all weekend just because you gave him a hand job in the shower? Some shemp who'll listen to you drone on about your feelings, your new direction in life? -[ Laughs .]
-ALI: Yes.
Yes, I do.
[Sighs.]
Chester, it's Ali.
Uh, hey, could you come pick me up? I'm on, um, Industry Road.
How did I get here? Uhthat's along story.
See you soon.
If you leave now, Ali, you'll never change.
You'll still be that same scared little girl cowering to your mother's every whim.
Enjoy it.
it's your last one.
What? [ "Anytime at All" by Matt Dusk plays.]
J' Oh, I'll be there beside you J' J' Even if I have to crawl J'
[Sirens wailing .]
J' Anytime J' J' Anytime you want me J' J' Honey, just let me know J' FITZ: Every relationship is a form of seduction.
It's not just your sex partners, it's your friends, your bank teller the cop considering arresting you for involuntary vehicular manslaughter.
.
-again.
-Oh, the humanity! And, like any seduction, there are simple rules to follow in order to get what you want.
One.
' be honest.
Ali Devon and I were in the car.
What were you doing there? She had just had a big fight with her mother.
I went out to smooth things over.
She was in the driver's seat.
Expect me to believe that all you did was talk? Two.
' agree with them.
It makes them feel smart and in charge.
Look, I know what you're thinking, officer, and you're absolutely right.
She is a hottie with a sweater full of goodness.
Three.
' show them your sensitive side.
Let them know that you care.
But I did marry her mother.
Oh, God, Babs.
I loved her to death.
Let me rephrase that.
Wait here.
Of course, like any seduction, you have to watch out for the cock block, a force of nature, like an ex-boyfriend, a fugly BFF, or the other police officer who's arrested you once already on similar charges.
You can't fight it.
Just ride out the storm and hope for the best.
Miss Devon confirms your story.
Sounds like this was just an unfortunate accident.
It was.
I know what happened in that car.
[Scoffs.]
What didn't happen? You and Ali bonded.
Hey, give your mouth the night off, will you? If these cops find out that Ali and I were about to fool around -- You opened up to her, and she opened up to you.
She was about to until Babs turned herself into a street pizza.
Richard, don't rebuild that wall, the wall that you've built around your heart, the one that you use to keep people out.
Go get her.
Comfort her.
She needs compassion.
Like you know what a woman needs.
Martini? My mother's dead, and all you can think about is a martini? Well, I was thinking about several, actually.
We just ran over my mother.
We? You think this is my fault? Well, you were in the driver's seat.
Oh, my God! My mother is dead! Cock-blocked by a corpse.
Well, that's one for the biography.
[Engine turns over.]
What? J' Anytime at all J' J' Anytime at all J' J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' [Birds chirping.]
ALI: Thank you so much for the house call.
I used to think it was so morbid the way she would obsess about these things, but now I realize she was just trying to make it easier on me.
Your mother was a wise woman.
I can't tell you the amount of stress these questions can put on a family.
ALI: I just wish I'd realized that "l want an organic funeral" actually meant "l love you.
" And Eternal Sky Funeral Home is on the forefront of environmentally conscious services.
We offer everything from cruelty-free cosmetics to biodegradable caskets.
Well, all Mom ever wanted was to be placed in a hole in the ground, naked, and to have a single sapling planted on top.
Well, that's beautiful and completely illegal.
Excuse me? What we can do is cremate your mother, mix her ashes with some soil and plant some tomatoes or something.
Or, if you're feeling more adventurous, you could have her cremains turned into a diamond.
[Chuckles.]
My mother was very clear about her wishes.
And it's a crime that accommodating those wishes is a crime.
Now, how about an urn carved in your mother's image? ALI: You've got to be kidding me.
WOMAN: I hate to put this kind of pressure on the bereaved, but the natural process of decay has begun.
Flies have probably already laid eggs in your mother.
Any kind of open-casket service will be impossible within the next 24 hours without Eternal Sky Funeral Home's trademark embalming.
Think about it.
Babs is in a car accident with you and didn't die.
And then she's in another car accident with you and does die.
That's like destiny.
Or fate.
Or destiny.
[Chuckles.]
it's a pain in the ass, is what it is.
Yeah, but doesn't that mean you're off the hook? The way things are going for me lately, it's going to become my own private Chappaquiddick: everyone laying the blame on good old Fitzy.
Yep.
I lost someone I cared about.
Called herself Edith.
Former Golani Brigade.
We were black-bagging terrorist schools up and down the north coast of Africa.
Goat fuckers are waiting for us with a .
50-caliber-machine-gun nest of "Good Morning, Vietnam," if you know what I mean.
Edith strips down naked and storms in with nothing but two hand grenades and a smile.
Still can't eat a latke without crying.
Uh On the house.
[Speaking in Hebrew.]
Come here.
Ohh! Ä°t'll be okay.
Carpe diem.
My wife died last night.
[Sighs.]
I know.
I heard.
Oh, God, Fitz, I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
If there is anything I can do for you, anything, you come to me.
Our maintenance department went over this baby with a fine-toothed comb.
[Sonja moaning.]
Uh, guaranteed 80-point inspection and a lube job.
LARRY: I can't believe you.
Feeding off people's goodwill, profiting from Babe' death.
I am not profiting.
Hey, Fitz, I heard about your loss.
Listen if you need anything, just let me know.
Foot-long double-cheese meatball sub, extra sauce? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
[Clicks tongue.]
it's more likebartering.
People give me stuff, and I let them feel like they've helped me through this trying time.
Blended? Ugh.
You're happy she's dead.
No, it's just I've been rolling snake eyes instead of sevens lately, and now everything's coming up Fitz.
[Telephone rings .]
I've got to take this.
That's English for "fuck off.
" No, not you.
Who is this? I see.
How much? How soon? I'll be right over.
LARRY: As your conscience, I have a right to know what's going on here.
The bank just informed me they're ready to transfer all of my dead wife's accounts to me, the grieving husband.
A summer wind came blowing in from across the sea.
LARRY: No.
No, no, you cannot liquidate Mrs.
Devon's funds in order to build your mid-level, Vegas-strip-knockoff dream lounge.
What about Ali? How do you think she's going to feel about this? I think she made it pretty clear how she feels about me last night.
LARRY: Richard, no.
This is it, our Rubicon.
I thought it would happen later and involve fire, but here it is.
Do not cross this line.
Show me there's still an ounce of decency left in you.
Prove to me that you are worth saving.
Okay, one: I don't have to prove anything to you.
Two: I can cross any line I want.
And "C": I don't even know what the fuck a Rubicon is, so why should I give a shit? It involves Caesar and orgies and bestiality.
FITZ: I'm in.
WOMAN: Oh, baby.
You're so fucking hot.
-[ Chuckles.]
-Daddy? KEN: No way.
Ä°t's money, not toilet paper.
I'm not looking for a handout.
Ä°t's a loan.
Yeah? Then tap the deadbeat that knocked you up.
Daddy, I am a single mother now.
I have to show that I'm a responsible parent.
You want money? Then earn it, like the rest of the deadweight around here.
W-work here? For you? What, like slave wages? [Scoffs.]
I don't think so.
Forget it.
I don't need your help.
I don't need anybody.
[Sighs.]
When do I start? [Knock on door.]
No one should be alone at a time like this.
Do you need anything? Someone to talk to? A shoulder to cry on? I don't need sympathy.
Oh, how about a sandwich? I can make you a sandwich.
What I need is to dump my mother in a hole.
I know, I know, it's "illegal," but it's what she wanted.
Oh.
Well, then, what you need is someone who doesn't just cross the moral line, he ignores itcompletely.
Fitz? Oh, no, no, no.
You're just as insane as he is.
No, wait, wait, wait.
He'd be perfect.
-I don't need his help.
-LARRY: You do.
You'll never be able to pull this off alone.
You need to tear down that wall, the wall you've built around your heart to keep people away.
And I'm pretty sure he's done this before.
FITZ: Imagine a time when men were men and women were broads.
When music was performed, not sampled, and a drink was a cocktail, not a crantini.
Well, you don't have to imagine it anymore, not when you're at -- Hey.
The Summer Wind.
The Summer Wind.
FITZ: The land has been bought, the city council has been bribed.
All I need now is a couple of investors to trigger construction.
a private parking place.
And 50K gets you all of the above plus the opportunity to bone one of our waitresses per year.
-What a bargain.
-Richard, we have to talk.
Can't you see I'm with an investor? I'll give you two some privacy.
Oh, uh, listen, it's Ali.
She needs help with Babe' last wishes.
She said that? No.
No, she said you're a parasite and insane, but I sensed something deeper there.
It was love.
Yes! Yes, I'm sure of it! No.
No, no.
I'm all done with those Devon women.
They're a whole big bag of crazy.
You're only saying that because you're hurt.
No, I'm saying that because I've got something better to do now.
Josh, do you want to be head of security? Sorry, bro.
Nothing personal.
OW.
Hey, hey, no.
I've got money! Aah! No, you have the money you stole from me.
I didn't steal it.
I invested it.
In my dealership.
Our dealership.
And some other ventures, not to mention the commissions I've been making and some other sources.
Oh.
He's a wizard.
-Agreed.
-50.
-You just said 25.
-You agreed too quickly.
Well, then, we're partners.
Then you're a shut-the-fuck-up partner, and you don't get to bone any of my waitresses.
-Deal.
-FITZ: All right, let's go.
My dearly departed isn't going to bury herself.
Can I be your apprentice? I don't need an apprentice.
FITZ: Josh! LARRY: This is nice.
Ä°sn't this nice, the three of us working together? What is the plan to steal my mother's body? Don't you think they'll notice an empty casket? Ribs are on special today: [ Snaps fingers .]
Extra rare.
To go.
-LARRY: Oh, that's -- Oh.
-ALI: Ribs? Are you kidding me? Oh, Richard.
We certainly don't need more than 110.
Fine.
130 pounds.
Big boned.
Big boned? [Chuckles.]
This isn't going to work.
Oh, it's going to work.
Hey, and throw a couple of burgers in there, too, would ya? WAITRESS: Sure.
[Sighs.]
SONJA: We all share the ups.
Those are the people who walk onto the lot-- Shh-shh-shh-shh! Yowsa! Dibs.
SONJA: Oh, wait, that's Glen.
Just ignore him.
He acts like a B-bag, but his lowball is so unreasonable, you know he's just a lousy looksy.
See, that kind of attitude separates the winners from the Sonjas.
Wow! Ä°t's the middle of the day, and look at you! You're looking for a new car.
Most men I know are looking for work.
You must be rich.
Marry me! [Giggling.]
I'm kidding.
I'm MeghanFitzpatrick.
-I'm just browsing.
-Just Browsing? What kind of name is that? Is that Ukrainian? [Laughs.]
it's not your name.
You're Glen! So, what are you looking for today, Glen? You looking for a sports car? All fast and going places? Glen, the Adventurer, with his leather jacket and his whip! -No, really, I'm just browsing.
-MEGHAN: Okay, okay.
But if you were interested in getting into something today, what could I tempt you with, Glen? Well, uh, this would work for me, but, uh, $13,000 -- Whoa.
I could probably afford about $6,500.
[ Laughs .]
You're hilarious! We both know you're rich, so just go to the bank and get your money and come on back.
This oar is now on hold for you! -You don't have to do that.
-No, no, no.
it's no trouble.
You want this car, I want you in this car.
So this oar is now on hold for you, for Glen! Hey, no, no.
Nobody come near.
This is Glen's car! it's on hold! Nobody even think about it! [Giggling.]
I'm kidding.
Go get your money.
[Organ music playing.]
I'll give you both a few minutes.
Take your time.
[Door opens, closes.]
I still don't believe this is going to work.
Oh, it's going to work.
-LARRY: Excuse.
-ALI: Oh.
[Fitz grunts .]
[Gasps.]
God! Death smells like Indian food.
[Thump.]
-Start filling the coffin.
-Okay.
Uh All right, get back to the dealership and wait for us there.
When we get back there, we'll bury the stiff.
Respectfully.
[Door closes .]
[Door opens, footsteps approach.]
[Hinges squeak, lid slams.]
Why? Oh, why? -I'll come back.
-No, no.
Carry on.
Sometimes a family member finds closure by activ-- [Whirring.]
[Crackling.]
[Woman sniffing.]
[Horn honking.]
Mrs.
Devon, I apologize for the post-mortem deceit, but rest assured we're doing everything in our power to make sure you get the proper illegal burial you deserve, right after I research the cost of replacing the interior of this fine-quality sports utility vehicle.
Hey, Josh, make sure you watch her for me -- I mean, the car --for me, okay? The car.
For me.
[Electronic beeping.]
There's Glen's car! Josh, what's it doing here? [Engine turns over.]
Yeah, I got it, Larry.
ALI: I still can't believe that worked.
Yeah, even I'm impressed, and I don't impress easily.
Let's just get this over with so we can get on with our lives.
Larry, what the hell are you doing out here? You're supposed to be in the garage watching Babs' body.
Oh, don't worry.
Josh is watching that car like -- Totally on it, dude.
Oh.
Oh! Car's gone.
Yeah, it's gonna work, huh? it's gonna work? God, I should've known better than to trust you.
Oh, you can't blame Richard for this.
Oh, I don't blame Richard.
I blame you.
Yeah, Larry! This is all your fault! ALI: Yeah, you were the one who convinced me to trust him to begin with! And you're the one who told me that she asked for my help! God, you are so stupid! I have to agree.
You do? You and Richard are agreeing about something? Well, this is a big step.
I am so happy for both of you.
-Come here.
-We gotta find that fucking oar.
MEGHAN: isn't this great? I love this car.
Oh, you know what? If this were a romantic comedy, we'd be in the middle of our meet cute.
[Chuckles.]
That's what they call the scene where the couple that falls in love meets for the first time, and it's cute.
[ Laughs .]
[Sniffing.]
What's that smell? What smell? I don't smell anything.
[Laughs nervously .]
[Brakes squealing .]
[Both screaming.]
[Brakes squealing .]
What is this, some kind of hazing ritual? Yeah.
Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
Ä°t's a prank.
That's it, a prank.
Uh, sir, I'm Ali Devon, and you are? Glen.
Well, Glen, I'm a lawyer, and I can assure you that this is not what it looks like.
-Looks like you've stolen a body.
-A victimless crime.
You see, Glen, that's my mother in there.
Babs.
She died recently and, um well, uh She She had a dream, Glen! She wanted to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
Organic burial, Glen.
That's what we're doing here.
Way of the future.
I'm calling the cops.
I'm calling Dad.
Who wants shares in a bar? What are you doing, Larry? I'm splitting my stake in the Summer Wind -- worth $50,000 -- to be split between Meghan and Glen in exchange for their compassion? I hope you run a bar better than you bury bodies.
Put a cork in it, Glen.
Can I have the cash instead? FITZ: All right, where are we going? Where are we burying her? I don't know.
Where are we burying her? Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.
Oh, you were the one who was planning everything.
How to get her out of the funeral home.
That was the deal.
Oh, you're right.
[Fitz sighs .]
You're right.
No, I'm a failure.
I am the worst daughter who ever lived.
LARRY: Come on, Richard.
You can think of one place that fits the bill, just a nice, safe plot of land with trees where Babs can be buried.
[Sighs.]
Yeah, I might know a place.
LARRY: Good.
Fuck.
[Birds squawking.]
[Fitz sighs .]
[Larry sighs .]
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
We are gathered here today, dearly beloved, in the sight of God and these good people.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I speak now or forever hold my peace.
For Babs gives us this day our daily bread! Shut up, Larry.
Can I please just have a moment to myself? I'm sorry for your loss.
[Sighs.]
Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
Richard.
Would you mind staying? I'd like you to hear this.
Sure.
ALI; [sighs.]
There you go, Mom.
Just like you always wanted.
I know this doesn't make up for all the grief I caused you as a kid: the binge drinking, the rampant promiscuity, the abortion -- Well, abortions.
I wish that I could have been a better daughter to you.
I'm just going to wait in the car.
And I wish that you could have been a better mother to me.
[Fitz clears throat.]
But why drudge up the past? I hope that now that you're dead we can finally be friends.
[Sighs.]
Well, here is something I never thought I'd say to you.
Thank you.
-For what? -For this.
Yeah, well What are stepfathers for? ALI: Oh! Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Oh, fuck me, Stepdaddy! [Moaning.]
[Both panting.]
Well, that's one way to spend a Saturday.
Oh, you better not be having second thoughts, or this will be a total "he said, she said.
" [Ali laughs.]
I'm okay with this.
You know, I actually feel kind of good.
I mean, that woman influenced my entire life, and now that she's gone I can finally be myself.
Huh.
And who is Ali Devon? I don't know.
That's what's so exciting.
A crap lawyer, maybe a street juggler, or an investor in a lounge.
I was thinking more along the lines of a full partnership.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
No.
Nothing personal.
Well are you sure? Whoa.
[Chuckles.]
I guess everything's negotiable.
My mother was many things, but, uh irresponsible with her money wasn't one of them.
She's got more cash squirreled away.
Yeah.
Oh, I know.
How do you think I paid for this piece of land? -You're going to build here? -Yeah.
-Where we just buried my mother? -Ooh.
-With my inheritance? -Ooh, Ali, nails.
Nails.
Nai-- Oh! OW! Wait, wait.
Oh, come on.
I'm not going to pave over her.
I'll put the tree in the center of a roundabout.
-ALI: [ Laughs .]
-What's so funny? I'm just thinking about all the grief I could have saved myself if I'd just fucked you in the first place.
Maybe then I wouldn't be standing out here right now wondering how I'm going to get back into town, where I'm going to get a morning-after pill from.
Wait a minute.
-Unbelievable.
-Oh, what? What do you want, some guy who's going to lie to you and tell you you look good when your ass is too fat? Some clown who'll go antiquing with you all weekend just because you gave him a hand job in the shower? Some shemp who'll listen to you drone on about your feelings, your new direction in life? -[ Laughs .]
-ALI: Yes.
Yes, I do.
[Sighs.]
Chester, it's Ali.
Uh, hey, could you come pick me up? I'm on, um, Industry Road.
How did I get here? Uhthat's along story.
See you soon.
If you leave now, Ali, you'll never change.
You'll still be that same scared little girl cowering to your mother's every whim.
Enjoy it.
it's your last one.
What? [ "Anytime at All" by Matt Dusk plays.]
J' Oh, I'll be there beside you J' J' Even if I have to crawl J'