Call Me Fitz (2010) s02e02 Episode Script

Everything in life has a trump card.
Even fate.
Keep telling yourself the world is your oyster and eventually shit falls in line.
You know who depends on luck? Losers.
Chumps.
Schmucks.
Larry.
Just remember, attitude is like a muscle: the more you work it, the stronger it gets.
Don't worry, kids.
Uncle Fitzy saw her and trust me, this story will have a happy ending.
Why? Because I've got attitude like a motherfucker.
And that's what the world sees: Richard Fitzpatrick, king of the fucking hill.
Hey.
Hey yourself.
We could do this whole dance, but why bother? We can both read the writing on the wall.
I sure can.
It says you love the cock.
Too bad.
But don't worry.
It is not to scale.
Without you I find my smile Without you I won by a mile Without you Oh, life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man Without you Without you Without you Any calls? Messages? I just got in.
Was that a ring? If anyone calls for you, I'll put them right through.
Who said I want to talk to anybody? Fitzpatrick Motors.
This line working? Mr.
Fitzpatrick? Yeah.
Yes, sir, the lines are working.
Oh, hold, please.
Fitzpatrick Motors.
How about this one? Yes, sir, all the lines are working.
Move.
I said move.
What do you want, a written invitation? "Kenneth Gerald Fitzpatrick "cordially invites you to get the fuck out of my way.
" Move! Oh! Don't ask, don't tell, man.
I mean, it drives me nuts.
Why can't people just be who they are, man? Fuck! Do I look like a meat pole dancer? You live with a dude, dude.
Hey, my sharing a joint with Larry is purely a financial arrangement.
Someone's got to pay the rent.
Fitzy, come on.
It's Josh, you know what I mean? No heterosexuals in the foxhole.
Go foxhole yourself, fucker.
I did.
Kirthar Range.
I was eliminating opium lords for certain "interested" parties.
And my only companion was my spotter and the Grim Reaper.
You get to know a man under those conditions, you start caring in ways you never thought possible.
You learn how to repurpose the oil from tin meat into a remarkably effective lube.
Whoa! Josh! What? If anybody could use this information, you could.
Dude, for the last time, I am not a penis paratrooper.
Okay, I got you a dream catcher, incense, holy water and garlic, which I know is very effective against vampires.
Now each item is selected to combat the evil forces that defaced our mural.
Oh! And I got you this just for fun.
You know, I love you just the way you are, man.
Remember that, okay? Fuck your dream catcher, fuck your garlic and fuck you.
What I need to do is get my rep back on track, and pronto.
The Summer Wind Lounge and Hotel depends on it.
You're absolutely right.
This isn't just about certain death on the beaver moon, it's about salvaging your dream.
And as your conscience, it is my duty to support, nay, nay, nay, facilitate that.
I believe in you, Richard, and I believe in your dream lounge.
Oh.
Oh, Jesus, Larry.
Man up, will you? Fuck.
Who does my father think he is? Replacing me with some new office manager.
I was doing a good job, wasn't I? Uh-huh, aside from having an affair and moving in with the competition.
Your point? You know, your father has been acting a little odd lately.
Josh, tell her what you told me.
If you bore a hole into a watermelon and microwave it for, like, 30 seconds-- No, the other thing.
About Ken? Oh.
Yeah.
He totally flipped on me the other day.
Can we stay on topic here? We were talking about me.
And the fact that he hired someone-- I got something to say.
Goddamn it.
Anyone still think I love the cock? Ugh.
What is that about? About the fact that Fitzy's back on track.
When is the last time you slept? That's on my to-do list.
Right after you.
Mr.
Fitz.
Office or broom closet.
Whenever you want.
Excuse me? Excuse me? Yes, hi.
I was the one who was talking here before I was so rudely interrupted.
What I was trying to say was that my father-- Good morning! Motherfucker! For those of you I haven't had the chance to meet yet, hi, I'm Dot Foxley, your new office manager.
Call me Fitz.
And I need your help.
Help me help you make Fitzpatrick Motors a better place to work.
What would make you happy? Tacky tourist dress-up day? Longer lunch hours? I don't know.
So tell me.
Petting zoo.
Employee health benefits.
Maybe.
Put them in the box.
Well, Miss Foxley, I'm Larry.
And you know, I actually tried a suggestion box once, and we all remember how that ended.
Right, you guys? Larry, are you the new office manager? No, but you know-- No.
So shh.
Hey, you know, Donna, I'd love to stick around for your little welcome party, but I'm a busy man and something's come up.
Sounds big.
Oh, it's huge.
It is.
And it requires her immediate attention.
My eyes are up here.
Yeah, but your breasts are down there.
And mine are right here.
Oh, those they are.
Ho-ho! Okay, you know what the--? You know what the suggestion box is? The suggestion box is a smoke screen.
That way, you don't waste her precious time with your ideas like petting zoos and health care plans.
I say destroy the box.
Yeah! Those are some interesting points.
Guess where you could put them.
Ooh, um in the box.
Gold star.
Josh.
What? Hello? Who the fuck is this? I don't want to talk to you.
How the fuck should I know when your car is going to be ready? I got a survey question for you.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how fast can you go fuck yourself?! Fucking people.
Is this because of that graffiti? What? Because you do not have to prove anything to me.
It's not the graffiti.
No? No.
Okay.
No.
No.
Was it that thing that you were talking about the other night? What? The-- That prophecy thingy.
This is the only thingy I'm worried about.
Oh! Well, then I hope no one's watching.
Yeah.
What? Watching? Watching? I'm a genius.
Do I want to know? Nothing says "invest in my dream lounge" like a leaked sex tape.
I release one of these suckers and Fitzy is back on top of a woman.
Of this woman? Of course.
None of those are of us, you know? Of course not.
I would never do that to you.
You're my Ava Gardner.
You know, in the past that kind of statement would have made me swoon.
Then it would have made me question my own self-worth.
Baby, what we have is special.
I know that we have something special.
Yeah.
I just want everybody else to know it too.
Oh, we don't need labels.
You know you're my number-one gal.
Well, I just want everybody else to know that we're in a committed relationship.
Now look, you have been through a lot recently.
And, well, your problems are my problems.
And when you're in pain I comfort you.
And vice versa.
Fine.
You can tell people we're an item.
Ah, nothing says manly like a chambermaid orgy.
We're an item.
Item.
Item.
- Hey, ladies.
- Hi.
Come on in.
What? Oh, no! A compromising and filthy video of moi on the Internet.
Oh, those motel chambermaids.
So erotic, so merciless.
Now look, if I take a look at your stupid sex video, will you leave the other customers alone? Well, I just can't believe that-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nobody wants to watch your slutty ass.
Hm.
I thought you were into dudes.
Right.
Hm.
Hm.
Wow, that's a lot of suggestions.
My box wasn't nearly that successful.
It's amazing what happens when people know you'll keep your word.
Maybe we can go and get a coffee sometime.
You know, and get to know each other, where you're from and your hopes and your dreams.
Oh, I have a dream.
Oh.
In it, you're lying on a table with your arms and legs tied down.
Uh-huh.
And I'm carving a pentagram into your chest with a dull knife.
And you're crying and screaming, but there's no mercy for you.
Because, Larry, nobody cares about you.
They're all sick and tired of your snivelling.
You're so pathetic, even the devil doesn't want you.
You wanted to see me? Oh! Be a dear and give us a moment.
Okay.
What does this say? It says It says "Below me.
" Actually, it says "Blow me.
" And I've got news for you, mister.
If you want a good job, you're going to have to do a good job.
So until you finish repairing that radiator Uh Oh.
Oh! Don't you have work to do? What? She said some of the most disturbing things I have ever heard.
It was like I was enduring a community theatre performance of The Exorcist.
Uh-huh.
And you know what? I get the distinct impression she doesn't like me.
I don't know, call it a sixth sense or something.
Yeah.
And everybody likes me.
Well, except you.
Even though you won't admit it, deep down I know you do.
Sure.
You're not listening, are you? No.
Richard, I'm trying to warn you.
You stay away from that Dot Foxley.
There is something about her I just don't like.
It's called a vagina, Larry.
Hm? "Hm.
" It's for you.
Don't you have something you could fluff? Yes, I do.
Fuck.
Richard, tell me what is on that DVD.
I told you to wait in the car.
No.
You're clearly upset, and no wonder.
Death prophecies, nightmares, a new employee who's out to compromise your conscience.
Not one more step.
Richard, I'm going in there with you.
Okay, there is no secret, no perversion, no endeavour to lascivious to turn me against you.
Jesus! Hey, Fitz.
Hey, Dave.
Hi.
Okay, listen, I am now fully prepared for whatever is behind that door.
Fine.
Not one word.
Good baby.
Well Well, uh, Richard, while I'm delighted you elected to work out your mother issues, why didn't you come to me? What, you want to be my mommy? Of course you do, you pervert.
No, why didn't you come to me to talk? There's nothing to talk about.
I get spanked and then I get spanked.
Throw in a bottle of single malt with a rubber nipple, you got a night out.
Inside voices.
You want to explain this? Oh, look what you did.
You've upset your brother.
Shh.
- Fuck.
- Ricky, you're early.
And I see you brought a play date.
Me? Oh, no, no.
That's extra.
I'm not here for my play date.
I want some answers.
Take him, will you? Me? Take him! Uh, okay.
Hello, baby.
It's an envelope.
That contained a DVD of our last session.
Why are you trying to blackmail me? You think this was me? Yeah.
Oh, Ricky.
That would violate the sanctity of the mother/child bondage.
Oh.
Stand up straight, dear.
Delinquents slouch.
Richard, look.
Whoever made that video could have shot it through that window.
It's been jimmied.
Someone broke in? Is anything missing? My hairbrush.
It's gone.
You keep your own hairbrush here? Babies should never share grooming products.
Jesus, ass hat, that's how you get cooties.
Language.
A hairbrush with your hair all over it? Something a certain employee could have used to make a voodoo doll.
Ooh! Oh.
Someone made a poopy.
I'll be in the car.
Oh! - Well? - I'm looking, I'm looking.
Okay.
At the voodoo dolls? No, none of them are me.
Well, one of them is me, mister.
Hi, Dot.
Here's the list that you wanted.
Oh, thanks, Sonja.
- The mail finally came.
- Oh.
- This one's for you.
- Thanks.
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
My mommy video.
Sonja! Get the others.
Okay.
Sonja, baby.
I was thinking about the conversation we had yesterday.
About how I'm more than just some Ava Gardner arm candy? Maybe.
I need to be your only.
I need to be the one that you go to for private things, emotional things.
Like your nightmares or that prophecy.
I mean, why won't you tell me what that is about? You're damn right.
I-- I should.
And I will.
Because that's what girlfriends are for.
Girlfriend? You're the one for me, baby.
Oh.
Oh, Fitzy! Fuck.
Now get out of here.
Daddy's got work to do.
Oh! Fuck.
And you know, whoever's sending these DVDs is also responsible for the vandalism of our mural.
You think? And is most likely the person that's out to get you.
Ali Devon I could understand, but Dot? She's a stranger.
And she's totally into me.
What about her horrible voodoo dolls? Ah, they're just dolls.
The fact that one of them looks like you is a complete coincidence.
No, no, no.
I don't believe in coincidences, Richard.
Everything happens for a reason, okay? Cause and effect.
Like you keep talking so I sack you in the nuts? Exactly.
Look, you think my evidence is circumstantial, fair enough, but there's still something about that woman I just don't like.
Again, it's called a vagina.
Yeah, or the fact that she's threatening to tie me to a table and torture me.
She said that? God, we have so much in common.
No wonder she's all over me.
Look, what's the harm in going over to her place and taking a look around? You know, solve this problem once and for all.
And if it's Dot who wants you dead-- Wait a minute.
Are you talking about breaking and entering? Look, you only have 62 days until the beaver moon, mister.
And sometimes we have to compromise our values for the greater good.
Let's go! This I got to see.
Come on.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, okay.
Yes.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold on.
Okay.
We have to hurry.
We'd be done already if you hadn't insisted on stopping for gloves and face masks.
This is my first break-in, okay? I'm nervous and I want to look nice.
Yeah, whatever, just give me a boost.
All right, let's do this.
Get me up.
You got it? Okay, I'll go down.
Here we go.
Nice.
Nice.
Yes.
Oh.
All right, Richard, let's do this.
Give me your hand, Larry.
No, I got it.
Give me your hand.
I'm good, Richard.
Oh, God.
Hold on.
Whoo! Fuck.
Okay.
Okay, I'll check the drawers.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Yeah.
No dolls, how about you? Well, I'll tell you what I haven't found.
No hairbrush, no pentagrams, no master copy of my mommy tapes.
Dot Foxley isn't my shadowy figure.
She isn't a witch.
And she's not stalking me.
Why not, I'll never know.
But it has to be her.
You don't know the venom on her lips, okay? And she stole my idea.
Wait a minute, is this whole thing because you're jealous about your stupid suggestion box? No! Hey, you know about my suggestion box? Of course I do.
You wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.
You do listen to me, don't you.
Yeah.
You do.
Once again, Larry, your plan is a waste of time.
- I'm out of here.
- Come on in, Josh.
Whoa! Hardwood! Yeah.
Oh! Oh, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Surprise! Surprise! Yeah? Yeah! Welcome to the dealership.
Dealership.
Yeah.
How did you get in here and what are you doing with my panties? Panty raid.
It's a dealership tradition.
Is it? Shut the fuck up, Larry.
So are we still going to? Him? Really? - Fuck.
- Hello, police? Witch.
Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Hello? Hello? Yes, this is Ken Fitzpatrick.
Who the fuck is this? Oh.
So how did the test go? Oh, no, fuck protocol, fuck procedure.
Tell me now.
Oh.
Yeah.
I'll come in tomorrow.
This better fucking cheer me up.
I owe you an apology.
That my ego got in the way of being your conscience.
And that won't happen again.
That's just fucking great.
Don't worry, Richard.
You'll find the person who's out to ruin you, no matter how long it takes.
Don't you know you'll be my ruin You've got me crying No.
No.
No! Huh? Why make me remember What I want to forget? I've been lonely Lonely too long This is-- This is fine.
This is fine.
Yeah, Mr.
Fitz and I are in an open and understanding relationship now.
I know he has certain excessive needs, and I may not always be able to accommodate his excessive needs.
You had a bad dream.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tell Mommy all about it.
Okay.
Look like's your boyfriend's a big baby.
Oh, can't you see What you're doing to me? He's not my boyfriend.
This is some sick shit.
You worry my days Oh, you talk to my nights Never a dream No, those dreams never turn out right Emotions Give me a break Oh, let me forget That I made a mistake Oh, can you see what you're doing to me? Emotions Please set me free