Call Me Fitz (2010) s02e11 Episode Script

Lots of guys will end up dead on a slab in a low-rent morgue, but once in a lifetime someone special comes along.
Unique, epic, awe-inspiring.
I'm talking about a dying breed.
A real live, guns blazing, bloody-knuckled goddamn hero.
Everybody dies, but it took a guy with a set of stones like Richard Fitzpatrick to show you how to live.
Make no bones about it.
Fitz was a fucking legend.
Hell, I get more pussy when I'm dead than most guys get when they're alive.
I don't think that's appropriate.
Way to kill the mood, asshole! We shouldn't even be writing an obituary at all, Richard.
We should be fighting to live! Who gives a shit, Larry? I'm going to be dead by the-- When am I going to be dead? The beaver moon! Oh, God, you sound like a broken record.
We've still got another 72 hours, and you know, your death isn't a sure thing.
And the record plays on.
Suicidal tendencies are a sign of low self-esteem.
You need to realize that people value you, and I will show you that you are a good person! Fuck good! Nice guys finish last, and do you know why? Uh, yeah, because they're so busy being nice.
Because they're pussies.
Heroes burn out in a blaze of glory, and I'm going to get mine.
Now, where was I? Without you I'd find my smile Without you I'd have won by a mile Without you Oh, life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man Without you Without you Without you I feel like an orphan, man! Like an orphan who lost a brother.
What the fuck is wrong with you? There's so many things I wanted to tell you.
So many things to say! Oh, God! Fitzy? Larry said he was writing your obituary.
That doesn't mean I'm fucking dead! Oh, what the fuck? Oh, you're so solid for a ghost! And warm! Go walk through that wall.
How about I walk my fucking fist through your face? Still got that old Fitzy sense of humour, eh? So, what is it? Is some unfinished business keeping you chained to the earth? Like, "Ahh!" You know what? Sure, I'm a ghost and I have ununfinished business.
Look, what I need is a blaze of glory worthy of the Fitz name.
What I need is to go out with a bang.
Got it.
I got a whole box here full of Fitz awesomeness.
Check it out.
Some acid, a full set of teeth.
First paycheque.
Oh, yeah! You, me and old Mrs.
Mulroney.
Mrs.
Mulroney? Now that was a fucking dream car.
Yeah, until some asshole stole her.
Eleventh grade.
I was going to beat Kyle Coxwell's cross-county speed record.
Commercial Drive to Walker's Point in 14:28.
Wonder what ever happened to Kyle? Fuck Kyle.
Yeah, fuck Kyle.
That record was going to be all mine.
It still can be! Josh, you're a fucking genius! The doctors did tell mom I was special.
Hey, is Casper as friendly as they say? Mr.
Fitzpatrick, I hate to disturb you.
I can see you're a busy man.
If you hated to disturb me, then you wouldn't fucking do it, would you? Come on, babe.
Shake it like you mean it! The thing is, I'm doing a little research on your son.
Oh, maybe you can find out why he's such a fuck-knuckle.
Mm-hmm, yeah, but I was wondering, do you remember, has he ever done anything nice? Do I look like I have any time for jokes, kid? Oh, I know Richie.
There was one time I had an infected uvula, and couldn't do anything oral.
So, he let me give him a foot job, same price.
Now that is a gentleman.
Foot job? You do those? Mm-hmm! Take off your pants, sailor! Come on, fuck me like you owe me money! There she is.
Told you Kasip could find her.
- Oh, Mrs.
- Mulroney, what have they done to you? "Namaste," it means "I recognize the divinity in you.
" Might as well drive a tampon.
Can I kill whoever did this? No, no one's killing anyone, Josh.
I just want my car back.
Got your back, bro! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You don't want to drive sitting on broken glass.
You'll cut your bum! Yeah, good point.
Yeah, hey? Fucking baby seat! Punt! All right, let's go, Fitzy! I'm taking her back! Oh, yeah! Meghan, wait, wait! I'm trying to track down a good deed your brother may have done for you for his obituary.
Dick has never done anything nice for me.
You know, one time he even killed my cat! Anything at all! Maybe he taught you an important life lesson when you were kids? His name was Orange Cat.
I was 6 years old.
I came home one day from school and he was gone, and Dick told me that he went to L.
A.
to star in cat food commercials.
So, one day I brought a can of cat food to school, you know, for show and tell? And I said, "This is my cat!" This is Orange Cat! And he's a star!" And they all laughed, even the teacher.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Dick, Dick, Dick.
The only thing he ever thinks about is himself! Maybe that's what I need to do.
You know, like Dick's got his thing.
Being an asshole cat-killer.
Maybe I need to find my thing.
You mean, like h hobby? Yeah, a life's purpose! Thank you, Larry! So, nothing at all then? Meghan? Can you restore her to her former glory? Fuck yeah! In a day? Fuck maybe.
Where have you been? Out stealing cars, Mom.
You can see dead people too? I thought I was the only one with the fifth sense.
I thought we went over this, Josh.
Wow! I came here to ask Josh about your good attributes, only to find out that you've been out stealing this vehicle? It was mine first! Josh is going to fix it up real nice so I can beat Kyle Cock-socket's speed record.
Kyle Coxwell? Didn't he race Dead Man's Curve to set that record? That's Dead Person's Curve now.
Long story.
This dyke wiped out on her Harley and It's actually kind of a short story, Josh.
And what are you, the story police? That doesn't exist.
Kyle nearly died setting that record.
So? I'll either beat his record, or die like James Dean.
Either way, I'm a fucking legend! Yeah! Then, I guess I have no choice.
Bingo, Larry! You don't have a choice! Josh, tell him what he's won! Well, Fitz, looks like he's won a big old bag of "Fuck off, Larry!" I will go to the police.
You haven't got the balls! I have got sizable balls, mister! Don't worry, boss.
I got this.
It's go time, little man.
Okay, okay, fine! Look, I'll make you a deal.
If I can find proof of even one good deed that you're done by the end of tomorrow, you don't race.
Really? Fill your boots, little man.
But until then, you leave me the fuck alone! Deal! Ahh! Hello, hello, hi! Will you go away, gangly one? I am not in the mood for your chicanery.
Did you stop think for a moment that I might be? Are you? Of course not! Be nice if you asked.
Guys, uh, listen, I've just got a quick question which I'm fairly certain I know the answer to.
But in the spirit of digging deep and male camaraderie, has Richard ever done anything nice for you? Now is not the time for jokes.
I'm not joking! I'm desperate! He's going to try to break the county speed record.
Does he really think he can beat Kyle Coxwell's point-to-point run of 14:28? Such ego! I know of only one other man with an ego that big.
Look, if he gets the parts he needs to fix that old car, taking Dead Person's Curve at that speed? That is a suicide mission! He means to take his own life? Please, please, if there's anything, anything at all! Has he ever shown you any act of kindness, or anything that made you happy? You know what would make us happy? If he were dead.
Yes! You know what this means? That twisted party will divide us no more! Our mutual hatred for all things Fitzpatrick has brought us back together! Oh, cousin! Some of us are trying to work! So, which way are you going to go with this? I'm sorry? The speech.
You know, the blah-blah, who gives a fuck blah speech? The one where you remind me that I just beat cancer, I got a new kid on the way and it's time to pull up my socks.
This isn't my first go-round on the crazy train, honey.
Oh, I have a speech, but that's not it.
This is a business arrangement, and I'm fine with that.
You got what you wanted, and now, it's time to discuss what I want.
You got what you want.
You played a short game to try and get even with my son.
But me, I'm long haul.
I play for keeps, and you and I both know that you're not going anywhere with a bun in your oven.
Hey, you know what a foot job is? Yodel-ay, mother-fucker! What, you been out square-dancing all night, asshole? Fuck, is it time? Well, prep work's done, dude.
I don't know how, though.
It's like the car elves visited last night, and did all my work for me.
Thank you, car elves! You are honest and just! Josh, stay with me! How we doing on Mrs.
Mulroney? Her shifter, check.
Dana-60, posi-track rear-end, check.
When I say "check", it means I don't have them.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Fitz, I need parts.
Custom, vintage shit! You know how long it takes to order them? Longer than it takes to steal them from the Ruptals? Hmm.
What the fuck? Tire spikes? Got to stay two steps ahead, bro.
Trust me, you don't want to feel the warm slap of human entrails on your face, and then realize you don't have an exit strategy.
What the fuck is this? Ah, this is for special occasions.
I've been waiting weeks to use this again.
Yeah, maybe we should huddle up and talk strategy? No, no, no.
No time.
Commence Operation: Steal Their Shit.
It's going to be awesome! Holy fuck! It's everything we need for the car! Mother-fucker! Cops, cops, cops! Hide the car! Priorities, dude! Got you right where I want you, Fitz.
This doesn't look like your bedroom! Stolen car.
No witnesses, except someone left an envelope full of cash at the scene, with your business card attached.
Stupid fuck! What, I didn't do anything! No, Larry! Is there any way I could entice you to overlook this slight oversight? Oh, I'm not going to arrest you.
I never saw a thing.
Well, that was easy.
Arresting you might make my month, but watching you die in a car wreck, that'll make my year.
That's it, I'm going to kill that fuck.
Oh, really? You get to kill Larry, but I can't kill the guy who messed up the car? Double standard, much? You weasely traitor fuck! You left money for a stolen car? No, no, you bought it back, and at a premium.
Which means technically, you did something good! You left that money, douche-tard! Yes, but I am your conscience, Richard, so that means you did the good thing too.
And now, you don't have to prove anything.
Yeah, you cheated! I I found a loophole.
You've been asking everyone I know if I've ever done anything good, and that's the best you can come up with? A fucking loophole? All of your posturing, your ego-ridden tirades.
You are really just a scared little boy who has accepted his own mortality.
Damn straight! All the more reason to go out like a fucking legend.
Richard, I don't want you to die.
Why the fuck do you care? No one else does.
Now fuck off, I got a record to break.
You double-checked the map? Verified the route twice, buddy.
Should be able to beat Kyle's record by a full 10 minutes.
Give or take 10 minutes.
Hell, yeah.
She is good to go, buddy! How about one for the road? Hells yeah! Until Stupid gets here, what do you say we go out and bowl? What the fuck is this? What does it look like? It's your wake.
A little fucking early, don't you think? Most assuredly not! Your impending foolish death is almost certain.
And it has reunited our family, Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
Could someone translate for Pardeep over here? We delivered the car parts to you! So you could complete your moving coffin of steel! Ah, there's no need to thank us.
Your demise will be good enough.
I made a fortune on tickets, thanks to your pal Larry here.
He called up every asshole that you've ever known.
No, Richard, this was not my idea! Hey, one more word and I'll arrest you for obstruction.
Let's get this show on the road! Speech! Speech! Come on! Speech, speech, speech! Speech! This must be so hard for you.
Speech, speech, speech! Speech, speech! Ugh! I don't know what to say.
Some asshole was telling me that my life wasn't worth fuck-all because I wasn't a nice guy.
I figured the guy was just full of shit, but now, seeing you all here, I I kind of Uh, Richard, Richard, there's still time.
Just tell them how you feel.
Atone for your transgressions.
You can do this! Look, the fact that they're all here means that they care about you on some level! Come on! That's right.
You do care! All of you made the trek all the way down here.
So let me ask you something, assholes.
Who's going to turn up when you kick off, huh? Yeah, that's what I thought.
So guess what, fuckers? That means I win! Even when I'm being a dick, I get all this! I am a fucking legend! Hey, fuck you! I'll see all you fucks at the finish line! Why aren't you at my brother's going-to-die party? I'm not really in a celebrating mood.
Is it just me, or is something bothering you? Don't worry about it.
That'd be a lot easier if you didn't have a gun in your hand.
They are intimidating, aren't they? All that power.
The immediacy of violence.
Take it for a spin.
Ex-husband.
Cellulite.
And one for you, Dick.
You know, I never met a problem I couldn't solve with a bullet.
Show me how to load it.
What are you doing here? Just waiting to die.
Okay, can you hurry up? I just got to lock up.
I failed Richard.
I couldn't come up with one good thing that he's ever done for anybody.
Never! That's not true, man.
Fitzy does a lot of good things.
That time he pretended to be a cop, took all those drugs away from a bunch of kids.
And then, we ended up doing them.
I give up! Okay, do animals count? Meghan had this pet cat.
Orange Cat.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Ken hated that cat, wanted to put it down.
Fitzy sold that cat to a talent agent in L.
A.
Ended up in a bunch of commercials and stuff.
Josh, you know, sometimes when bad things happen, people don't tell the truth because a lie hurts a little less.
Okay, first off, don't talk to me like I'm a retard.
Sorry.
And second? There you go again, like I'm a retard! I know there's a second thing, Larry! Just Bam! Fitz's first paycheque, for selling that cat to the talent agent.
So, Richard really is a good person.
My work here is done.
Oh, no, it isn't! Oh, shit! It's Mrs.
Mulroney's brake cylinder.
Then, why isn't it in Richard's car? Fucking elves! I know a shortcut to Dead Person's Curve.
We can beat him there! Go, go, go! It's not in the way that you hold me It's not in the way you say you care It's not in the way you've been treating my friends Get over! It's not in the way that you stay till the end It's not in the way you look Or the things that you say that you do Hold the line Love isn't always on time Woah woah woah Hold the line Love isn't always on time He should be here by now.
Yeah, even if he took that other road through the Hennessy farm.
Come to think of it, he'd have avoided Dead Person's Curve altogether.
Brakes, fuck! Fuck! Richard! No! Fuck you, Kyle, I win! Richard, Richard! Is the car okay? Richard, you took an alternate route to avoid certain death.
No, I took a different route 'cause I do things my way! And you did something good, partner! Orange Cat! Yeah, that fucking cat still owes me money.
Let's worry about that later.
Right now, we've still got some living to do, mister! At least for another day or so.
Oh, your shoe's untied.
Hey, remember when we were 8? The bunny ears go in the rabbit hole! I fucking got it-- oh! Ugh! Richard? Fitzy? Fitzy! But in the end, it wasn't a blazing car crash that killed Richard Fitzpatrick, or syphilis.
It was his fucking conscience.
It's you!