Call Me Fitz (2010) s04e09 Episode Script
A Very Special Fitzmas (1)
Previously on Call Me Fitz.
Ken's not my real father? Just because he donated some ball paste doesn't make him my old man.
But he did offer you a job and you have accepted.
I'm getting tingles.
Brother and sister.
Father and son.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
Let's stick with Fitz.
The family united.
The circle of life.
This is not Fitzpatrick Motors.
Maybe not, but it will be.
A feast for your eyeballs.
(gasps) There is nothing you could do to make me fire you son.
Nothing.
You have a chance to make billions.
To do something really special.
You need to face the music sober.
Who's the man of the hour? I've been trying to turn the heads of the Kobyashi Investment group for months.
Guess who contacted the Omo? Father! They're flying in tomorrow and Richard is going to get them on board.
(laughs) Father is not who you think he is.
Every bad thing that has ever happened to the Fitzpatricks.
All Father.
These came in for you, son.
( ) ( Nutcracker ) Merry Christmas! Shut the fuck up! 'Twas the night before, the night before Fitzmas, and all through the house A secret unearthed by a doctor named Klaus.
Revealed Richard's father was not who he knew, which is why Ken engaged in a tipple or two.
And now this poor father had only one heir.
and the one that remained Uh uh uh! was not quite all there.
Compounding Ken's pain was his not so young wife, who declared it was time So long fuckers.
to get on with her life.
And even the fixer had left Ken alone.
being too busy finding a fix of his own.
But one truth above all had made Ken's heart sink, for the son he once knew had abandoned the drink.
And so sat young Richard, all snug in his bed, as visions of O-Mo danced in his head.
At last Ken's boy took on the life I had dreamed, but suddenly all was not quite as it seemed.
For somewhere inside of me, vibrant and strong was a horrible feeling.
Could I have been wrong? ( ) Without you I'd find my smile Without you I'd'a won by a mile Without you Oh life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man Ho ho ho motherfuckers.
Kwanzika came early for Joshy this year.
How the frankincense can I fail auto shop? I've made a horrible discovery.
We must remain calm.
Zip it.
Both of you.
I'm going over my Christmas list.
FYI, you're getting me a pony, but I didn't hear that! I am a wolf in sheep's clothing.
In trying to make Richard good, I have driven him into the clutches of evil.
Oh oh, speaking of evil, which one of you inbreds is going to babysit Justin? Not it! You're abandoning your son on Christmas? Family tradition, Lar.
Mama's gonna get all nogged up and make some mistakes.
But what about Richard? We need to save him from the evil clutches of Pat Childs! Relax, Lar.
Every Christmas Fitz and I get high, watch Scarface, and then pig out on House of Chan.
Hey, bestie! Time to blaze in some Christmas cheer.
Mandatory drug testing at the O.
I can't risk my sweet payday.
You.
Sober.
That's hilarious.
Ever wonder if there's a reason you can't graduate, Josh? Every day dude.
Richard.
You can't leave your family on Christmas.
I'm not.
In fact I'm headed over there right now.
We need to address your psychological --.
Whatever it is, I'm on it.
No Richard - you are? I shoulda made these changes a long time ago.
You were right, cock pup - Larry.
( ) (sighs) ( Oh Christmas Tree instrumental ) Seriously? You paid the guy from the Leb food joint to say you were dead? Well, you got me here.
What's the fucking emergency? Lainey, oh sweet Lainey.
I can see it all so clearly now.
Smells like you're seeing it in double.
I never shoulda used our wedding to show up my brother.
You got me to come here to tell me shit I already know? I want to start again.
I'm gonna turn this joint into the class-A shithole it deserves to be.
Jesus, it's like a things-I-don't-give- a-flying-fuck- about-a-thon.
It's that no good bastard son.
That's what was fucking up our lives.
Now that he's gone, we got a clean slate.
We? You'n me.
Like back in the day.
You think I'd want to go back in business with you? Why the fuck not?! I said I'm -- whatever the fuck it is you say when you're not going to do it again.
You want to know what's really been fucking up all our miserable lives? Not just our son.
Go look in the mirror.
If it looks like a Fitzpatrick, you got your answer.
Fuck.
We are on the cusp, Richard.
The culmination of decades worth of research and development.
A car wash? The O-cinerator.
It doesn't just destroy used cars.
It repurposes them into low-carbon emitting fuel for the O-mobiles.
This is your ticket to ride the money train? Just the icing on the proverbial oatcake, Son.
Ok, I have no idea what you're talking about.
We're taking the company public.
I plan to announce our initial public offering on Christmas day.
An IPO.
A license to print money for yourself.
You mean, ourselves.
I'll be introducing you as our new VP, Richard Childs.
What's the catch? Do you consider being the new face of O-Mo a catch? You'll be a rock star by New Year, Richard.
Let me show you how it works.
You don't happen to have something metal handy? Ah.
(zap) What the fuck? You don't need that anymore.
Ali? You know what I'm looking at? Me.
Fitz.
I'm finally hitting the big time.
All legit and shit.
Hell, if this works out, our kid's gonna be wearing gold diapers.
Please leave a message.
(beep) Fuck.
It's me, Fitz.
Call me back.
No booze I can do this.
( Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy ) (ethereal moans and groans) I am your ghostly guide through this yuletide afterlife.
Josh? A fucking ghost? When the fuck did you die? I didn't, I'm just super-baked.
Smoked the rest of your Christmas bowl, things got loco.
Anyways, here, yes, ok.
You will be visited by three goats.
And a horny dude.
That's not right.
Whatever, just listen for the horn dude.
(loud old fashioned horn) Oooh, ye shit be going down.
It's on.
(poofing sound and ethereal groaning) You're still here.
Or am I? (laughs and moans) (horse neigh) Hey, Mr.
Fitz.
Sonja? I always loved you in that apron.
I'm the ghost of Christmas past.
You're dead? Milking accident.
Don't ask.
Well I never had sex with a ghost before.
Just showing you who's boss.
Fuck me.
Maybe, but first a little journey.
Middle school, 1982.
Little Tommy Shitsack.
I remember that kid.
His mom was my teacher.
She gave me an F that one time.
And you decided to beat him up because of it.
So? I was a dick.
I've been a dick my whole life.
Repent, repent, repent.
Don't worry about it.
I've already changed.
Actually, he deserved it.
He was a d-bag.
But because of you beating him up, he became a good, ambitious person.
Grew up to be President.
You're shitting me.
Of Bob's Big House of Futons, but still.
Your badness, Mr.
Fitz, resulted in something good.
Now, watch this -- Hey, that's us.
Christmas inventory two years ago.
Shh.
Pay attention.
Mr, Fitz, I am not sleeping with you in order to get that promotion.
What's the lesson here? Sexual harassment is bad? Fitzy's open to negotiation.
Nope, I just remembered it was a really great hair day -- And, it was also the day you taught me how to be a businesswoman.
( Joy to the World ) That's not all I taught you that day.
( ) You know, Fitzy may have laid off the sauce, but he'll never say no to the cherry.
Not so fast.
There's one last thing I need you to see.
It's up to you Fitz.
Get a life or take it someplace else.
Turn it off.
I don't need the re-run.
I caught it the first time.
Shhh.
You're going to ruin it.
Wait for it, wait for it.
And there! You see that? That's the face of someone who is about to change their life for the better.
Everybody needs an a-hole to set them straight.
She may not be able to be with you right now, but she is grateful for what you gave her.
(sighs) Now that is true love.
Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to lead to sex? (bell ding) Fuck sobriety.
You gonna pack it in just like that, asswipe? Once a pussy, always a pussy.
( ) ( Good King Wenceslas ) Another Berry Breezer.
But this time, give it a shot of bourbon.
Paula! The only one who will understand my plight.
S'up, Lar-bear? Paula, have you ever done the right thing only to find out it's the wrong thing? No, but I have recently done the wrong thing and it felt really, really right.
Oh well I, Larry, believe I may have been wrong.
Instead of helping Richard all these years, I've been hurting him.
Luring him to the light side, when really its the dark side, where your father lurks.
Light side, dark side.
It's just like Christmas.
Bullshit.
Paula, you need to help me help your brother.
Give me the keys to your father's evil lair.
I will show Richard the truth.
You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to get ol' Paula something -- bird -- worm.
I gotta pee.
( Good King Wenceslas ) Oh, tampon! Sorry Paula.
Let's do this.
Good man.
Now let's make sure the shoe is shiny when you put your best foot forward.
Off to your hair and make-up consult to let your inner Childs glow.
Wait! Easy, friend.
What's the trouble? You! You were wrong Richard, about me being right.
And he.
He is not right.
He is wrong.
Very, very wrong.
Pat Childs has been secretly plotting to usurp your family for years and years and years and I have proof.
(cackles) Come on come on come on.
To the secret lair! Behold! Larry, this is not a sage idea.
You bet your bippy it's not a sage idea.
Enough of your holiday hoodwinkery, good sir! Look Upon The Evil! What the? I don't understand.
Is this the evil that you're looking for Larry? I had everyone at O-MO working around the clock making festive ornaments.
For the disabled.
The homeless.
The orphaned.
You happy, Saint Dick-olas? It never ends with this guy.
I know what you're doing here, mister.
I'm doing what's best for my son.
Well some say teaching people to better themselves is more important than telling them what to do.
True.
But I always remember what a tribal elder told me after I had saved his entire village from the ravages of Hurricane Ian.
Have you ever done that, Larry? That's not the point.
He told me that the fool spends his days changing others.
The wise man changes himself.
Are you calling me a fool? You can't beat me, Larry.
It's unpossible.
That's not even a word.
Exactly.
Security.
Could you assist this gentleman? He's looking to see something in an exit door.
Oh, Pat Childs! Your T-zone needs damage control.
Get you're fucking hands off the goods Stephen Hawking.
Fine.
Look like a dehydrated alcoholic.
Mmmmm, I'm in a wheelchair.
That guy.
Oooh, huffers! Stop fucking around.
Right, ok, back to business.
You'll now be visited by your second goat.
Who will come bearing presents.
Or does he want a present.
Dammit now I have to write a letter to Santy Claus.
( applause and cheering ) What the fuck?! Hey everybody welcome to The Gray Zone, this is Melody Gray, Ghost of Christmas Present.
Have we ever got a treat for you today, we have got an exclusive interview with everybody's favourite dead beat dad, Richard Fitzpatrick.
(crowd cheering) Richard and I have quite the past.
I didn't fuck him while I was alive, so I'm really gonna fuck him now.
(crowd laughter) Now you're talking.
Cause I could get stiff for a stiff that looked like you.
(crowd oohs) No no, lookit everybody Richard is about to find out what a fuckup he really is, and I'm about to score myself a Daytime Emmy.
Roll the clip.
Will this gas tank withstand the tarsecs necessary for the Goron run? For two bucks it will.
We're standing outside Fitzpatrick Motors where family patriarch, Ken Fitzpatrick attempts to erase all traces he ever had a son.
That fucksack is selling all my stuff.
My Dexter Lane records! My Hugo Boss! My panty ball! Without hate, Ken has no identity.
He's changing, and so is Elaine.
The only thing those two cancer-prunes are changing are their diapers.
We take you live to the scene.
Thank you so much for watching the baby.
I had to get out.
You know what it's like.
We certainly do.
Since when does Elaine give a shit about baby what's-his-nuts? Fitz has bigger problems on the horizon.
Without him there to inspire Elaine's nefarious scams, she is forced to look elsewhere.
So she finds herself a new business partner.
Who's up for champers? Ooh.
A little bubbly to seal the deal.
That's right ladies.
My mother and Foxley?! Oh fuck.
Forgive me.
It didn't work anyway.
Tis the season to be a fucking failure.
Take it from me.
The solution to all of your problems is in the bottom of a shot glass.
You wanna understand a Fitzpatrick, you gotta become a Fitzpatrick.
But, but I am a Fitzpatrick.
- ish.
Then tuck in your lady balls and embrace your roots --.
And enter the belly of the beast.
What I do now, I do for you, Richard Fitzpatrick.
In order to save you, I must become you.
Ok, one does not simply suckle the she-wolfs teet without tasting the sting of her sickly sweet cream.
May whatever crucified hobo you worship have mercy on your soul.
Cheers.
Hey! AHH! Another round.
Drunk Larry.
And he's putting it on your tab.
That's a big oopsie, fuck head.
You're sobriety has turned your conscience into a drunk.
Care to comment? Don't be alarmed.
I was just staring at you while you slept.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but the eyelids are the curtains to those windows.
Good news, sleepy head.
We've just had an offer to expand the O-Mo into Asia for the launch tomorrow.
What? Oh, right, ya, giddy up.
Your face will be beamed live on five continents.
But I need your help.
Taking our campaign international is a huge risk.
We need to make a statement.
Burn the past to blaze a trail into the future.
I got this.
I had Grandma Alice's car towed in.
Betsy.
My memories of this old clunker are far from fond, but they are the very things that set me on a course to change the world.
That's why we're going to destroy it.
All this time you've been selling the sizzle, you need to give them the steak.
People don't want a concept of the future.
They want to see it in action.
Something they can sink their teeth into.
Leave some bread crumbs, Richard, for I have a hard time following.
Take a one of a kind vintage classic, and stick it in your incinerator thing and show the world what the O-Mo is all about.
Trading in your shitty past for a top shelf future.
That's my boy.
Hello, house.
Hey, anybody home? Suck it.
Hi lampy.
Hi arm chair.
Hello dildo.
Oh so soft.
You have all betrayed me.
Especially you.
With your puppy dog eye.
Box.
You are the only one who never betrayed me.
The only one that who really tried to help me.
I can become a real Fitzpatrick.
Oh look, more alcohol.
What's that Boxie? When your best friend whose psyche you've manifested from, abandons you, there's only one thing you can do? Watch your grandma's porno film.
Belly of the beast.
Ok boxie, here we go.
Whatever it takes.
Spread em or I'll shoot.
Oh I'll spread em, but you better call for back up, cause this is a three man job.
(fast forward moaning) ( Carol of the Bells ) ( Oh Christmas Tree ) Grandma Alice? Welcome my dear Fitzpatrick Family, to my last will and testament.
Ding Donggggggg
Ken's not my real father? Just because he donated some ball paste doesn't make him my old man.
But he did offer you a job and you have accepted.
I'm getting tingles.
Brother and sister.
Father and son.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
Let's stick with Fitz.
The family united.
The circle of life.
This is not Fitzpatrick Motors.
Maybe not, but it will be.
A feast for your eyeballs.
(gasps) There is nothing you could do to make me fire you son.
Nothing.
You have a chance to make billions.
To do something really special.
You need to face the music sober.
Who's the man of the hour? I've been trying to turn the heads of the Kobyashi Investment group for months.
Guess who contacted the Omo? Father! They're flying in tomorrow and Richard is going to get them on board.
(laughs) Father is not who you think he is.
Every bad thing that has ever happened to the Fitzpatricks.
All Father.
These came in for you, son.
( ) ( Nutcracker ) Merry Christmas! Shut the fuck up! 'Twas the night before, the night before Fitzmas, and all through the house A secret unearthed by a doctor named Klaus.
Revealed Richard's father was not who he knew, which is why Ken engaged in a tipple or two.
And now this poor father had only one heir.
and the one that remained Uh uh uh! was not quite all there.
Compounding Ken's pain was his not so young wife, who declared it was time So long fuckers.
to get on with her life.
And even the fixer had left Ken alone.
being too busy finding a fix of his own.
But one truth above all had made Ken's heart sink, for the son he once knew had abandoned the drink.
And so sat young Richard, all snug in his bed, as visions of O-Mo danced in his head.
At last Ken's boy took on the life I had dreamed, but suddenly all was not quite as it seemed.
For somewhere inside of me, vibrant and strong was a horrible feeling.
Could I have been wrong? ( ) Without you I'd find my smile Without you I'd'a won by a mile Without you Oh life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man Ho ho ho motherfuckers.
Kwanzika came early for Joshy this year.
How the frankincense can I fail auto shop? I've made a horrible discovery.
We must remain calm.
Zip it.
Both of you.
I'm going over my Christmas list.
FYI, you're getting me a pony, but I didn't hear that! I am a wolf in sheep's clothing.
In trying to make Richard good, I have driven him into the clutches of evil.
Oh oh, speaking of evil, which one of you inbreds is going to babysit Justin? Not it! You're abandoning your son on Christmas? Family tradition, Lar.
Mama's gonna get all nogged up and make some mistakes.
But what about Richard? We need to save him from the evil clutches of Pat Childs! Relax, Lar.
Every Christmas Fitz and I get high, watch Scarface, and then pig out on House of Chan.
Hey, bestie! Time to blaze in some Christmas cheer.
Mandatory drug testing at the O.
I can't risk my sweet payday.
You.
Sober.
That's hilarious.
Ever wonder if there's a reason you can't graduate, Josh? Every day dude.
Richard.
You can't leave your family on Christmas.
I'm not.
In fact I'm headed over there right now.
We need to address your psychological --.
Whatever it is, I'm on it.
No Richard - you are? I shoulda made these changes a long time ago.
You were right, cock pup - Larry.
( ) (sighs) ( Oh Christmas Tree instrumental ) Seriously? You paid the guy from the Leb food joint to say you were dead? Well, you got me here.
What's the fucking emergency? Lainey, oh sweet Lainey.
I can see it all so clearly now.
Smells like you're seeing it in double.
I never shoulda used our wedding to show up my brother.
You got me to come here to tell me shit I already know? I want to start again.
I'm gonna turn this joint into the class-A shithole it deserves to be.
Jesus, it's like a things-I-don't-give- a-flying-fuck- about-a-thon.
It's that no good bastard son.
That's what was fucking up our lives.
Now that he's gone, we got a clean slate.
We? You'n me.
Like back in the day.
You think I'd want to go back in business with you? Why the fuck not?! I said I'm -- whatever the fuck it is you say when you're not going to do it again.
You want to know what's really been fucking up all our miserable lives? Not just our son.
Go look in the mirror.
If it looks like a Fitzpatrick, you got your answer.
Fuck.
We are on the cusp, Richard.
The culmination of decades worth of research and development.
A car wash? The O-cinerator.
It doesn't just destroy used cars.
It repurposes them into low-carbon emitting fuel for the O-mobiles.
This is your ticket to ride the money train? Just the icing on the proverbial oatcake, Son.
Ok, I have no idea what you're talking about.
We're taking the company public.
I plan to announce our initial public offering on Christmas day.
An IPO.
A license to print money for yourself.
You mean, ourselves.
I'll be introducing you as our new VP, Richard Childs.
What's the catch? Do you consider being the new face of O-Mo a catch? You'll be a rock star by New Year, Richard.
Let me show you how it works.
You don't happen to have something metal handy? Ah.
(zap) What the fuck? You don't need that anymore.
Ali? You know what I'm looking at? Me.
Fitz.
I'm finally hitting the big time.
All legit and shit.
Hell, if this works out, our kid's gonna be wearing gold diapers.
Please leave a message.
(beep) Fuck.
It's me, Fitz.
Call me back.
No booze I can do this.
( Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy ) (ethereal moans and groans) I am your ghostly guide through this yuletide afterlife.
Josh? A fucking ghost? When the fuck did you die? I didn't, I'm just super-baked.
Smoked the rest of your Christmas bowl, things got loco.
Anyways, here, yes, ok.
You will be visited by three goats.
And a horny dude.
That's not right.
Whatever, just listen for the horn dude.
(loud old fashioned horn) Oooh, ye shit be going down.
It's on.
(poofing sound and ethereal groaning) You're still here.
Or am I? (laughs and moans) (horse neigh) Hey, Mr.
Fitz.
Sonja? I always loved you in that apron.
I'm the ghost of Christmas past.
You're dead? Milking accident.
Don't ask.
Well I never had sex with a ghost before.
Just showing you who's boss.
Fuck me.
Maybe, but first a little journey.
Middle school, 1982.
Little Tommy Shitsack.
I remember that kid.
His mom was my teacher.
She gave me an F that one time.
And you decided to beat him up because of it.
So? I was a dick.
I've been a dick my whole life.
Repent, repent, repent.
Don't worry about it.
I've already changed.
Actually, he deserved it.
He was a d-bag.
But because of you beating him up, he became a good, ambitious person.
Grew up to be President.
You're shitting me.
Of Bob's Big House of Futons, but still.
Your badness, Mr.
Fitz, resulted in something good.
Now, watch this -- Hey, that's us.
Christmas inventory two years ago.
Shh.
Pay attention.
Mr, Fitz, I am not sleeping with you in order to get that promotion.
What's the lesson here? Sexual harassment is bad? Fitzy's open to negotiation.
Nope, I just remembered it was a really great hair day -- And, it was also the day you taught me how to be a businesswoman.
( Joy to the World ) That's not all I taught you that day.
( ) You know, Fitzy may have laid off the sauce, but he'll never say no to the cherry.
Not so fast.
There's one last thing I need you to see.
It's up to you Fitz.
Get a life or take it someplace else.
Turn it off.
I don't need the re-run.
I caught it the first time.
Shhh.
You're going to ruin it.
Wait for it, wait for it.
And there! You see that? That's the face of someone who is about to change their life for the better.
Everybody needs an a-hole to set them straight.
She may not be able to be with you right now, but she is grateful for what you gave her.
(sighs) Now that is true love.
Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to lead to sex? (bell ding) Fuck sobriety.
You gonna pack it in just like that, asswipe? Once a pussy, always a pussy.
( ) ( Good King Wenceslas ) Another Berry Breezer.
But this time, give it a shot of bourbon.
Paula! The only one who will understand my plight.
S'up, Lar-bear? Paula, have you ever done the right thing only to find out it's the wrong thing? No, but I have recently done the wrong thing and it felt really, really right.
Oh well I, Larry, believe I may have been wrong.
Instead of helping Richard all these years, I've been hurting him.
Luring him to the light side, when really its the dark side, where your father lurks.
Light side, dark side.
It's just like Christmas.
Bullshit.
Paula, you need to help me help your brother.
Give me the keys to your father's evil lair.
I will show Richard the truth.
You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to get ol' Paula something -- bird -- worm.
I gotta pee.
( Good King Wenceslas ) Oh, tampon! Sorry Paula.
Let's do this.
Good man.
Now let's make sure the shoe is shiny when you put your best foot forward.
Off to your hair and make-up consult to let your inner Childs glow.
Wait! Easy, friend.
What's the trouble? You! You were wrong Richard, about me being right.
And he.
He is not right.
He is wrong.
Very, very wrong.
Pat Childs has been secretly plotting to usurp your family for years and years and years and I have proof.
(cackles) Come on come on come on.
To the secret lair! Behold! Larry, this is not a sage idea.
You bet your bippy it's not a sage idea.
Enough of your holiday hoodwinkery, good sir! Look Upon The Evil! What the? I don't understand.
Is this the evil that you're looking for Larry? I had everyone at O-MO working around the clock making festive ornaments.
For the disabled.
The homeless.
The orphaned.
You happy, Saint Dick-olas? It never ends with this guy.
I know what you're doing here, mister.
I'm doing what's best for my son.
Well some say teaching people to better themselves is more important than telling them what to do.
True.
But I always remember what a tribal elder told me after I had saved his entire village from the ravages of Hurricane Ian.
Have you ever done that, Larry? That's not the point.
He told me that the fool spends his days changing others.
The wise man changes himself.
Are you calling me a fool? You can't beat me, Larry.
It's unpossible.
That's not even a word.
Exactly.
Security.
Could you assist this gentleman? He's looking to see something in an exit door.
Oh, Pat Childs! Your T-zone needs damage control.
Get you're fucking hands off the goods Stephen Hawking.
Fine.
Look like a dehydrated alcoholic.
Mmmmm, I'm in a wheelchair.
That guy.
Oooh, huffers! Stop fucking around.
Right, ok, back to business.
You'll now be visited by your second goat.
Who will come bearing presents.
Or does he want a present.
Dammit now I have to write a letter to Santy Claus.
( applause and cheering ) What the fuck?! Hey everybody welcome to The Gray Zone, this is Melody Gray, Ghost of Christmas Present.
Have we ever got a treat for you today, we have got an exclusive interview with everybody's favourite dead beat dad, Richard Fitzpatrick.
(crowd cheering) Richard and I have quite the past.
I didn't fuck him while I was alive, so I'm really gonna fuck him now.
(crowd laughter) Now you're talking.
Cause I could get stiff for a stiff that looked like you.
(crowd oohs) No no, lookit everybody Richard is about to find out what a fuckup he really is, and I'm about to score myself a Daytime Emmy.
Roll the clip.
Will this gas tank withstand the tarsecs necessary for the Goron run? For two bucks it will.
We're standing outside Fitzpatrick Motors where family patriarch, Ken Fitzpatrick attempts to erase all traces he ever had a son.
That fucksack is selling all my stuff.
My Dexter Lane records! My Hugo Boss! My panty ball! Without hate, Ken has no identity.
He's changing, and so is Elaine.
The only thing those two cancer-prunes are changing are their diapers.
We take you live to the scene.
Thank you so much for watching the baby.
I had to get out.
You know what it's like.
We certainly do.
Since when does Elaine give a shit about baby what's-his-nuts? Fitz has bigger problems on the horizon.
Without him there to inspire Elaine's nefarious scams, she is forced to look elsewhere.
So she finds herself a new business partner.
Who's up for champers? Ooh.
A little bubbly to seal the deal.
That's right ladies.
My mother and Foxley?! Oh fuck.
Forgive me.
It didn't work anyway.
Tis the season to be a fucking failure.
Take it from me.
The solution to all of your problems is in the bottom of a shot glass.
You wanna understand a Fitzpatrick, you gotta become a Fitzpatrick.
But, but I am a Fitzpatrick.
- ish.
Then tuck in your lady balls and embrace your roots --.
And enter the belly of the beast.
What I do now, I do for you, Richard Fitzpatrick.
In order to save you, I must become you.
Ok, one does not simply suckle the she-wolfs teet without tasting the sting of her sickly sweet cream.
May whatever crucified hobo you worship have mercy on your soul.
Cheers.
Hey! AHH! Another round.
Drunk Larry.
And he's putting it on your tab.
That's a big oopsie, fuck head.
You're sobriety has turned your conscience into a drunk.
Care to comment? Don't be alarmed.
I was just staring at you while you slept.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but the eyelids are the curtains to those windows.
Good news, sleepy head.
We've just had an offer to expand the O-Mo into Asia for the launch tomorrow.
What? Oh, right, ya, giddy up.
Your face will be beamed live on five continents.
But I need your help.
Taking our campaign international is a huge risk.
We need to make a statement.
Burn the past to blaze a trail into the future.
I got this.
I had Grandma Alice's car towed in.
Betsy.
My memories of this old clunker are far from fond, but they are the very things that set me on a course to change the world.
That's why we're going to destroy it.
All this time you've been selling the sizzle, you need to give them the steak.
People don't want a concept of the future.
They want to see it in action.
Something they can sink their teeth into.
Leave some bread crumbs, Richard, for I have a hard time following.
Take a one of a kind vintage classic, and stick it in your incinerator thing and show the world what the O-Mo is all about.
Trading in your shitty past for a top shelf future.
That's my boy.
Hello, house.
Hey, anybody home? Suck it.
Hi lampy.
Hi arm chair.
Hello dildo.
Oh so soft.
You have all betrayed me.
Especially you.
With your puppy dog eye.
Box.
You are the only one who never betrayed me.
The only one that who really tried to help me.
I can become a real Fitzpatrick.
Oh look, more alcohol.
What's that Boxie? When your best friend whose psyche you've manifested from, abandons you, there's only one thing you can do? Watch your grandma's porno film.
Belly of the beast.
Ok boxie, here we go.
Whatever it takes.
Spread em or I'll shoot.
Oh I'll spread em, but you better call for back up, cause this is a three man job.
(fast forward moaning) ( Carol of the Bells ) ( Oh Christmas Tree ) Grandma Alice? Welcome my dear Fitzpatrick Family, to my last will and testament.
Ding Donggggggg