Camp s01e03 Episode Script
The Mixer
1 Shh! - Don't scream.
- Chloe! Can you get out of here? Turn around and face the wall.
Oh, this feels like an episode of Oz.
I'm about to expose myself to you.
- What? - Through my poetry.
Oh! Six rounds in the chamber.
Five fingers on each hand.
Four chambers of the heart.
Three members of the family.
Two parents to forget.
One child in the basement.
- Wow, that's - I'm not done! Zero Out of time.
Now I'm done.
What do you think? Well, that was upsetting.
We're different than the others, Kip.
We connect to the darkness.
I wouldn't necessarily lump us into the same category.
It's true, and we both wear masks.
Now I have to go put mine back on to be with the other girls.
Okay, well, if you're gonna include me in any future poetry shower slams, can you at least give me a heads-up? You almost gave me a heart attack.
Oh, my God.
- Do you have a weak heart? - No.
I do not have a weak heart.
Okay.
I got to go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Huh? - Awesome.
Now we have a spa.
Check it out.
Morning, Cole.
Hot tub.
- It was time.
- Yeah.
Whenever I sit down here with a beer, I think, "why am I not in a hot tub?" Well, those days are over, my friend.
It's super dirty.
Yeah, there are some weird stains.
Looks like blood.
I'm out.
I'm okay.
Cole! Hey, listen, you Oh, jeez.
It's not even 7:00 A.
M.
, guys.
Have either of you even brushed your teeth yet? Hey can we keep the "jacuzz" classified until I get it cleaned up and cooking? Yeah? - You looking for me? - Oh, thanks, Cole.
There we go.
You know, attendance is down from my super-scientific business-y projections by, like, 11 people.
Could be that mormon family that just left.
Yeah, and they had another week.
We have to attract more clients.
We could get Robbie to wear a sandwich board, send him to a gay bar.
I'm worried.
My dad never lost clients.
Guess who is dj-ing the big mixer tomorrow night.
- Is it you? - Nope.
Me.
My dad's super-hot Russian girlfriend got me a dj kit, which might also be super hot, and by that, I mean stolen.
And I'm not being racist.
I just think all Russians have sticky fingers.
Yeah, I don't think you know what the word "racist" means.
After I blow everyone away at the mixer tomorrow night, I'm gonna be in that giant sex bowl with four honeys and a chicken wing.
I'm making us both a promise.
Well, please don't let us down.
Dude, be cool.
She's not the only girl at camp.
Okay, where is it? - Where is what? - My swimsuit.
I'm not an idiot.
I know you guys took it.
Why don't you just wear a different one? Oh, my God.
Is that your only one? That sucks.
You know what? I got to get to work.
Yeah, Mack's not paying us to sit around at the beach all day anyway Well, not you, at least.
We're taking the life guarding test tomorrow.
You guys are gonna be lifeguards? You know you have to save drowning people, right? Which means your hair might actually get wet.
Whatever.
We'll let the boys do all the boring stuff.
We'll be busy working on our tans.
I'm sure working in the kitchen will be just as much fun.
You should check lost and found.
Used is a good look for you.
Okay, folks! We have a big little otter weekend planned.
Tomorrow night we have the summer kickoff mixer with Ridgefield.
And it is our turn to host.
Both: Yeah.
As some of you might remember, Ridgefield went all out last year - Totally lame.
- Way over the top.
But we're Camp Little Otter.
We don't need smoke and mirrors and a special performance by Justin Timberlake to have a good time.
Tomorrow night, 8:00 See you there.
Nobody even likes cantaloupe.
I do.
In fact, it is my favorite fruit.
It's slimy and tasteless.
There are literally a million better fruits.
Wait.
I get it.
Ringo's your favorite Beatle, isn't he? You pretend to like inferior things just to be cool.
You think I'm cool? Maybe I could hang out with your roommates.
I hate Chloe and Zoe.
You know, I'm pretty sure they stole my bathing suit.
What? Why? Because they suck, and they know I only have one.
Oh, they're just jealous.
You know how they say dogs can smell fear? Mmhmm.
I think popular girls can smell outcasts.
Yo, guys.
I got to say this.
Those crispy pancakes were off the hook this morning.
That's because they were waffles.
Thanks.
So what's the deal with you and crispy pancakes? Shut up.
No, nothing.
We're just talking.
Yeah, he seems like a super-deep talker.
Whatever.
You know, I mean, he's cute, but I've had a pretty rough year with guys, so I don't know.
Has anyone seen Eleanor Switzer? I want her to do my hair again for the dance.
Last year she made me look just like Blake Lively.
Mm.
She did.
Eleanor has had appendicitis, so she's not coming this summer.
Poor thing.
Oh.
I should send her a care package.
- Eleanor loves tangelos.
- Mm, noted.
Um, this was just delivered from Ridgefield.
What is it? A list of foods that are off-limits for the dance.
- What? - Apparently, they'll only drink locally sourced punch.
I have no idea what that means, but I really hope it's hi-c mixed with 7up, 'cause that's what they're getting.
This is ridiculous.
They're getting oreos, milk maybe.
Let's go talk to Roger.
"Gluten-free beignets"? Ugh.
Really? My people have needs.
If camp Little Otter can't accommodate them, maybe we should discuss having the mixer at Ridgefield.
Not gonna happen, Roger.
This is our year.
That's the deal.
You're right.
You're right.
I just I hate to disappoint my campers.
But, of course, you know all about that.
You run Little Otter.
You gave me a crash course in disappointment the first time we slept together.
Is that why you came back for seconds? Boom! You and that kid Same age.
Hey, you.
How's writing? Hard and terrible.
- Still taking your morning swims? - No, I'm done, actually.
- Done for the day or? - No, done done.
Wow.
So what are you gonna do with all your free time? Maybe I'll become a novelist.
Looks like all you do is sit around and drink coffee.
You're not far off.
You know, Mack, if you're ever feeling sad or bored or any of those other negative emotions that I don't feel Roger, just stop.
Sorry.
What I meant to say was, if you're ever feeling a little lonely, come over.
I mean it.
Oh.
Okay.
Thanks, Roger.
Eleanor? Eleanor Switzer? Hey.
Mack, it's so good to see you.
What are you doing here? Oh, God, I-I didn't know how to tell you.
Bob got this huge promotion.
He's head of marketing now.
He has to be able to talk to his team.
Doug told them we'd be ready to pitch on Tuesday.
Take away a man's technology, you take away his manhood.
It's it's primal.
I'm so sorry.
My God.
If it was up to me, you you know I understand.
People get seduced by their shiny trinkets, and they make mistakes.
I want you to go to maintenance, get a hammer, and hit Doug in the pills for me.
You guys have come to Little Otter for the last five years.
You are practically family.
Just tell me, what do I have to do to get you back? Camp 1x03 - The Mixer Bob Switzer is a tool.
I never understood what Eleanor saw in that loser.
- Good riddance.
- No, I want them back.
- What did he just do? - Truth grenade.
Mack, if you want to get the Switzers back, you need to think about a cell tower.
- Todd.
- I'm sorry.
I have a job.
I-I have to talk to the office, and it sucks waiting for some love-sick teenager to get off America's last pay phone.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience, Todd, but Little Otter is about connecting with the people who are here, not in cyberspace.
It's their loss.
Now, can we please talk about the mixer? I am so ready to embarrass my family.
Atta girl.
We need a theme.
Dante's Inferno.
Luau.
Egypt.
Panama Canal.
Foam.
Little House on The Prairie.
Oh prison.
Raffi loves a theme.
Shakespeare "A midsummer night's dream.
" That would be so woodsy and magical.
- I like that.
- Oh.
How could you possibly misplace this thing? It's practically glowing.
Focus.
We need to find a bathing suit.
I don't know why you want to be a lifeguard anyway, okay? The beach is totally overrated.
Uh, it beats pouring coffee and making waffles.
- You should do it too.
- No way, okay? Water, sun It's not really my thing.
Found one.
It's ugly, right? It's not really Yeah, it's butt-ugly.
Yeah, well, it's the only one.
I'm trying it on.
You know, lakes are filled with all kinds of weird things - Microscopic bugs - Oh, really? Yeah, I have a I have a friend whose cousin went swimming once in a lake.
Caught this viral thing, and now he's paralyzed.
And the same thing happened to F.
D.
R.
He had polio.
Yeah, which he caught from a lake.
Thank you.
Besides, I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty good at pouring coffee.
I almost always get the cup just the right amount of full.
Are you sure? It would be fun.
We could train together.
I mean, I guess I could try.
Hey, Sarah.
Your coach is on the phone.
He says it's important.
Lou.
Mind your own business, okay? Why did you hang up on your coach? I lost to Danica Cox at the pac-12 finals this spring.
I'm pretty sure she's a dude.
Mm.
Anyway, I called my coach a Nazi, got wasted, and crashed my car.
Oh, boy.
They kicked me off the team and revoked my scholarship.
I don't even know why he's calling.
Well, life is full of difficult conversations.
Let's go have one.
So kind of a miracle, but the disciplinary board are open to reinstating Sarah's scholarship.
Because she had drugs and alcohol in her system, she'll need to submit urine samples all summer to prove she can stay clean.
I smoked some pot.
The other drug was for studying.
They're both illegal.
You can't compete pulling crap like that.
God, I messed up once.
There's that attitude.
- He acts like I'm a meth head.
- Would you just hear him out? She's gonna need to pee in a cup.
She can do that.
I can handle things on this end.
This is a second chance for you, Sarah.
It's a no-brainer.
Maybe I don't want a second chance.
Awesome.
I guess we're done, then.
Coach, could you just hang on a sec, please? Sarah, take a breath.
All I'm saying is, what if I crashed my car on purpose? - Did you? - No, but maybe it was my subconscious deciding that I don't want to swim anymore.
Well, this is really a decision your conscious mind should make.
Hello? Sorry, coach.
We're here.
48 hours, then the deal's off the table.
Don't try to talk me into it.
I've known you since you were 11.
I know better than that.
Ugh.
Now what? - You got it? - Yeah.
Open up all the windows! Cole! What happened? Okay, so the hot tub that I just hooked up in boys town may have overloaded the circuit board, which almost definitely caused a small electrical fire.
I'm sorry.
Did you just say we had a hot tub? Okay, Mack, before we get into blame, you should know Don't worry! Fire's out.
Problem solved.
There you go.
It's all good.
Look, I get it.
Working at the lake, hot chicks in bikinis as far as the eye can see.
Plus, you don't smell like maple syrup from working in the kitchen.
But let's be realistic, Kip.
You can't swim.
No, I'm a good swimmer.
You know who is a better swimmer than you are? My neighbor's kid.
She's five.
She's got one arm.
She's a better swimmer than you are.
The slim noodle Throw it to me.
You know who else is a better swimmer than you? - My grandma.
- The noodle-throw it.
And my grandma's dead.
Come on, just throw the damn noodle! Look, I thought I was going to be the dumb one in this friendship, but clearly in this instance, you're the dumbass.
But we can rotate.
You have strong fingers.
You're such a good guitar player.
An Asian John Mayer.
Ew.
What is she wearing? Is that a "lost and found" bathing suit? Wow.
She's so Liv Tyler right now.
Shut up, Deanna.
Do you, like, want to get chlamydia? Hey! Why don't you hyenas back off? Hey, Greg Would you mind putting some sunscreen on my back? I can't reach.
- Yeah, sure.
- Great.
Thanks.
- B-town, b-money, little "b.
" - No.
Buzz saw, Buzz cut, Buzz feed not the website.
Definitely not.
Bpain, vitamin "b," b-rock Obama, Buzz-yonce.
Okay, stop.
Why do you need a stage name to dj a camp mixer? Because I'm not just spinning, I'm creating a whole experience.
Okay, just as long as that experience includes watching your mom geek out to O.
P.
P.
That's pretty much when it goes off.
That's probably not gonna happen.
She's freaking out.
She wants to get the Switzers back from Ridgefield, so it's on me to raise our game.
So this whole dj thing is about helping out your mom? I thought it was just about getting girls.
Come on, give me some credit.
I'd say it's about 50/50.
Think we're ready? Okay, one, two, three.
Oh, look, it's "hot tub" Willie and his bag of bad ideas.
- I'm sorry.
- You blew my power grid.
The dining hall will be fixed.
I promise.
Look, Ridgefield Our competition is coming over to see what the camp looks like now with me running it alone.
I said I'll take care of it.
Relax.
No relaxing, Cole, no hot tubs.
The Switzers left.
Steve left.
Okay, okay, the Switzers and Steve - Two completely unrelated things.
- Are they? Todd thinks we should put in a cell tower.
I know.
And Ruth Harris suggested that I might want to get a little work done myself.
She showed me her boob lift this morning.
It's kind of miraculous.
Okay, he's wrong, and she's whatever.
- Your boobs look fantastic.
- Cole! Sorry.
What's going on with you, hmm? 30 seconds of naughty by nature, and I know this for a fact, usually chills you right out.
O.
P.
P.
, best jam of all time Soundtrack to the greatest summer of my life.
It's not fixing it.
I just didn't I didn't mean to lie.
I just didn't know how to tell you or anyone I messed up and got kicked off the team.
I get it.
If I don't do this whole pee-test thing, I'll lose my scholarship.
So? You can take out student loans.
Yeah, I know.
- Will you? - What? Will you still love me if I'm not a swimmer? Yeah, dummy.
Of course.
You've been a superstar a long time.
Now you can join us regular people.
Yeah, that does sound kind of nice.
Can we just stay like this for a while? Why are you taking the lifeguard test? Chloe, didn't we talk about the ambushing? Are you doing it because I am? - No.
- Really? One minute you're the early shower-taking outcast, the next you're this normal human being with a love of sunlight and a desire to save lives? Okay, what's happening here? You kissed me two days ago.
Is this normal behavior after sudden kissing? Do you want me to kiss you again? Well, it's a lot more fun than being interrogated.
Then I think you should get back in that box of existential angst where you belong.
Jeez.
Okay, enough with that bathing suit.
You need to check the "lost and found.
" I did.
This was the only one there.
Check again.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Remember when you said I should come over if I was ever having some of those human emotions that you don't feel? I do remember.
Is that what's happening now? Are you gonna invite me in? - Rog? - Yes, I Oh.
Hello.
Did you invite someone to play, Roger? Hey, how's it looking? Okay? The phone guy says it'll look just like a pine tree when it's up.
Isn't our charm all about being analog? Our charm is multidimensional.
You swore you'd never put in a cell tower.
I changed my mind.
Come on, it'll be great.
What do the Switzers have on you? This is not just about the Switzers, Cole.
Bob Switzer gets a new job, and suddenly we're not good enough for them.
That's their problem, not ours.
You can't be afraid of change, Cole.
I'm excited.
You should be too.
It is time for an upgrade.
A grown man with a lollipop? That's not cool.
I disagree.
He looks like a child molester.
It's in the same category as suspenders.
Maybe he just has a sweet tooth.
Oh, then maybe he should eat some cake.
Brad Pitt, "Ocean's Eleven", lollipop Totally worked.
I win.
No.
- Hey, marina.
- Oh, hey.
Lifeguard test in 20 minutes.
We should go.
You nervous? No.
Dude, if you can't keep your head above water, stop moving and let yourself sink to the bottom.
You'll die quicker.
Shut up.
I'm not gonna die Probably.
I'm just saying, the less you struggle, the less embarrassing it is for everyone.
Okay, listen up, lifeguard wannabes.
When I blow this whistle, you got to dive off the dock, swim to that buoy and back.
Everybody, ready, set, and I still can't believe Mack put in a cell tower.
Yep.
She finally caved.
Hey, guys? I'm worried about her.
I think she's losing her mind.
Dudes, um, I think Kip might be drowning.
- Is he all right? - Get him up, get him up! - Get him up! - Kip, you okay? - What happened? - What happened? That kid was drowning, and you just swim by? This is a lifeguard test.
You know what? Automatic fail for all of you! What happened? - Take it slow.
- Hey, you okay? - Yeah.
- Is he okay? Oh, my God.
Kip! Hang on! Kip! So this is your plan Live in the woods for the rest of your life? Look, no one cares if you can't swim.
I can't - I can't ride a bike.
- Is that true? No, it's a lie.
I don't know why I said that.
I can ride a bike.
- Yeah, well, I can't.
- Seriously? I mean No big deal.
It's about playing to your strengths.
- What are you good at? - I'm not good at anything.
Come on, everyone is good at something, unless you've been living under a rock.
Yeah, well, I've been living under a huge rock A big leukemia rock, okay? Yeah, I-I know that.
Then why the hell were you taking the lifeguard test? That Oh, Marina.
I know stupid.
There's no need to explain.
I get it.
Yeah, right.
Happens to the best of us, man.
All you can do is try.
What you did out there, taking that swim test? That's That's dangerous as hell and kind of stupid, but you tried.
- And I failed.
- This time.
It's a long summer.
Going on a bender? Uh, no, it's, um, for the mixer tonight.
- Are you coming? - No, I don't mix well.
I'm like a single-malt scotch Meant to be enjoyed neat.
Right.
With this much crappy vodka, there will definitely be two massively hungover camps tomorrow.
One massively hungover camp.
We otters are used to the bottom shelf.
What if I point you in the direction of some top shelf Just sitting there, collecting dust? Well, I guess we could save this stuff for a rainy day.
Let's go.
- You look dope, mom.
- Thanks, hon.
So, listen, I need a promise from you.
I need you to promise me that you won't interfere with my set list.
What is it? Is this written in Chinese? Because I don't know any of these songs.
Which tells me I'm doing something right.
I'm gonna help you bring this fine institution into the 21st century.
Why are you wearing your glasses, Buzz? - It's my stage gear.
- Oh.
Hi.
Hey, hi.
It was the best I could do.
That's that's good.
Heard you got a cell tower.
Good move, but you still won't get the Switzers back.
The place looks great, by the way.
Did the 99-cent store have a closeout? Hey, about last night Let's just forget it ever happened.
Sure thing.
But just so you know, Missy The girl that I was with - Oh.
- Not much fun in the sack.
Is that right? Doesn't boss me around like you do.
I know that in your own idiotic way, you're trying to be nice, so - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Hey! You look really pretty.
- Yeah, totally! Maybe we can all dance together later.
Yeah, that That would be cool.
I'll see you guys out there.
Oh, please, not now.
Don't lose power now! Mother of all that is holy! Party people, put your hands together for dj Buzz-erk! - It's okay.
- Don't worry.
When the Switzers get back to Ridgefield, our on-site doctor will look out for the little brat's ears.
If there's no permanent damage, he can work through his emotional trauma in our video arcade.
Lets you choose two of five seasonal favorites Oh, my God.
Have you seen it? Hey, marina, is this silk? What did you just do? Nothing.
It's just soft.
Hey, you don't Aw.
Oh, my God.
I haven't seen sunsets this pretty.
Told you.
Why do they have all this booze if it just sits here? Why swim a 16-minute mile and not be on the swim team? - Oh, are you teasing me? - No.
Yeah, 'cause I overshared in the car.
I'm a writer.
I can't sit down on a plane without getting a life story.
My coach thinks I'm squandering my gift.
What do you think? It sucks to aim high and miss Like, not make the Olympics by 1/10 of a second.
"The heart is an arsenal" was a giant success Movie rights, all that.
My second book I didn't know you wrote another book.
Exactly.
It was terrible.
Three people read it.
I quit.
But you're writing another novel.
Oh, I'd rather aim high and miss than not aim at all.
So you're saying I'm a coward.
I'm saying you have, uh, 36 hours to decide if you want to give up fun for four years to meet your olympic destiny, which could be glory or agony.
I know which decision will cause the most painful regret So do you.
This doesn't look good.
I need you to grab my toolbox and meet me out back.
Buzz! It's dj Buzz-erk.
Buzz-erk.
Right, dj Buzz-erk.
This set is great for, like, Ibiza, but maybe you ought to play something for the old folks.
This is just the setup I've got a diabolical beat that's gonna make everyone's panties drop.
Derek, I told you You can't hang out here and talk to dead people.
You sure about this? Yeah, just pass me the nitrogen canister.
What have I got here? - Play O.
P.
P.
- No.
- Play my jam! - You promised! I'm counting to three, Buzz-erk.
Thank you.
Did she just make her son play O.
P.
P.
? Isn't that weird sort of, - in an oedipal context? - Yeah.
But it's kind of sweet too.
All right, ready? I like it.
Dance with me, Roger.
Mack, I don't dance.
Hey! How's the party been? Slamming! Let me help you out with that.
What's this? - Nice! - Thank you.
- Hey.
- Dance? Nice job, Mack.
You went all out.
Oh.
Only the best for you, Roger.
I've been going over this lollipop thing, and I don't think it's fair to use Brad Pitt as your example.
I mean, that guy could walk around with a pacifier in his mouth and still not look creepy.
Okay, but it But it is nice to be able to take your candy out of your mouth for a second without getting your hands all sticky.
Good point.
Thank you.
You throw a hell of a lunchroom hoedown.
Mm.
Manage to charm the Switzers into coming back? They seemed to have a great time, but I didn't ask.
Playing the long game, I see.
So what's next? A gift basket full of pine cones and dried otter poo? The Switzers are all yours, Rog.
You're giving up so easy? That's not fun.
I love our little tussles.
I'm not giving up.
I am letting go.
Sorry.
You lost me.
There's winning, and then there's losing.
Sometimes when people leave, it has nothing to do with you.
It's all about them.
Um, when people leave, it usually means you suck.
Okay, then I'm leaving.
Good night, Roger.
I get it.
Good one.
'Cause I suck.
That was a softball.
Come back.
I want a do-over.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'll walk you to your cabin.
Oh.
Sure.
Thanks, Cole.
Are you going to the party on Saturday? Jimmy, here.
Check it out.
The plan is to start spinning at clubs, maybe arenas one day.
I just want to keep my integrity, you know? Totally.
Integrity's so important.
Hey.
Are you cute? Oh, yeah, definitely Way cute.
Okay! - Oh, no, not the hot tub.
- Oh, for a second Good morning, Little Otter.
I apologize for the noise.
The phone company has promised me that the cell tower will be removed by the end of the day.
Sorry, kids.
We're an analog camp No digital face-lift needed.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
I heard they made everyone redo the lifeguard test.
It looks like you passed.
Congrats.
Thanks.
It's been fun so far.
But I'm gonna miss working in the kitchen.
Oh, yeah, you're really missing out.
Today we got to clean the grease traps in the oven.
Well, I'll miss you.
You just have to spend more time at the beach, I guess.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Anyway, I got to go.
Yeah.
You go lifeguard the hell out of that beach.
Dude, I can't get the smell of puke out of my bathing suit.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe how close I was to touching boob last night.
Why does everything always have to suck? Well, don't worry.
It's a long summer.
- Hey.
- Ah.
Remember the glaziers? Yeah.
Interesting family.
They liked to fish with their hands.
- They were terrible at it.
- And they drank a lot.
And I think one of the grandsons is a bit of a pyro.
Well, anyway, they just called.
They wanted to book a family reunion for the end of August 34 people.
Can we do that? Absolutely.
Do we know if the firebug's coming? We'll just lock up the lighter fluid and hope for the best.
Good thinking.
Oh, hey, show me the hot tub.
Hey.
Sorry.
Did I wake you? No, it's okay.
You went swimming.
Yeah.
I decided to try to get back on the team Which means no more drinking, smoking, or sleeping in.
That's good.
- It is? - Yeah.
You totally hog the covers in the morning.
- Thank you.
- What for? I don't know just going on the ride with me.
That was fun last night.
Where did you score all that top-shelf booze? I have my ways.
Oh, wow.
You knocked.
How normal and nonthreatening of you.
Is something wrong? Oh, my God.
Is this when you kill me? You almost drowned yesterday.
- Yeah, so? - That was hot.
Really? Me drowning was hot? You listened.
You get me.
That poem was about the six seconds of consciousness before you die.
Of course it was.
And I get why you took the lifeguard test.
You do? You are not afraid to peer into the darkness.
You are not afraid of anything.
Well, I'm a little afraid of you.
And that will make this even more exciting.
Love this hot tub.
Only takes about 42 hours to get hot.
Totally worth it.
There it goes.
The place looks good again.
Hey, you never told me how you fixed the electricity problem.
You don't want to know.
Cole.
I tapped into Ridgefield's power line.
- Chloe! Can you get out of here? Turn around and face the wall.
Oh, this feels like an episode of Oz.
I'm about to expose myself to you.
- What? - Through my poetry.
Oh! Six rounds in the chamber.
Five fingers on each hand.
Four chambers of the heart.
Three members of the family.
Two parents to forget.
One child in the basement.
- Wow, that's - I'm not done! Zero Out of time.
Now I'm done.
What do you think? Well, that was upsetting.
We're different than the others, Kip.
We connect to the darkness.
I wouldn't necessarily lump us into the same category.
It's true, and we both wear masks.
Now I have to go put mine back on to be with the other girls.
Okay, well, if you're gonna include me in any future poetry shower slams, can you at least give me a heads-up? You almost gave me a heart attack.
Oh, my God.
- Do you have a weak heart? - No.
I do not have a weak heart.
Okay.
I got to go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Huh? - Awesome.
Now we have a spa.
Check it out.
Morning, Cole.
Hot tub.
- It was time.
- Yeah.
Whenever I sit down here with a beer, I think, "why am I not in a hot tub?" Well, those days are over, my friend.
It's super dirty.
Yeah, there are some weird stains.
Looks like blood.
I'm out.
I'm okay.
Cole! Hey, listen, you Oh, jeez.
It's not even 7:00 A.
M.
, guys.
Have either of you even brushed your teeth yet? Hey can we keep the "jacuzz" classified until I get it cleaned up and cooking? Yeah? - You looking for me? - Oh, thanks, Cole.
There we go.
You know, attendance is down from my super-scientific business-y projections by, like, 11 people.
Could be that mormon family that just left.
Yeah, and they had another week.
We have to attract more clients.
We could get Robbie to wear a sandwich board, send him to a gay bar.
I'm worried.
My dad never lost clients.
Guess who is dj-ing the big mixer tomorrow night.
- Is it you? - Nope.
Me.
My dad's super-hot Russian girlfriend got me a dj kit, which might also be super hot, and by that, I mean stolen.
And I'm not being racist.
I just think all Russians have sticky fingers.
Yeah, I don't think you know what the word "racist" means.
After I blow everyone away at the mixer tomorrow night, I'm gonna be in that giant sex bowl with four honeys and a chicken wing.
I'm making us both a promise.
Well, please don't let us down.
Dude, be cool.
She's not the only girl at camp.
Okay, where is it? - Where is what? - My swimsuit.
I'm not an idiot.
I know you guys took it.
Why don't you just wear a different one? Oh, my God.
Is that your only one? That sucks.
You know what? I got to get to work.
Yeah, Mack's not paying us to sit around at the beach all day anyway Well, not you, at least.
We're taking the life guarding test tomorrow.
You guys are gonna be lifeguards? You know you have to save drowning people, right? Which means your hair might actually get wet.
Whatever.
We'll let the boys do all the boring stuff.
We'll be busy working on our tans.
I'm sure working in the kitchen will be just as much fun.
You should check lost and found.
Used is a good look for you.
Okay, folks! We have a big little otter weekend planned.
Tomorrow night we have the summer kickoff mixer with Ridgefield.
And it is our turn to host.
Both: Yeah.
As some of you might remember, Ridgefield went all out last year - Totally lame.
- Way over the top.
But we're Camp Little Otter.
We don't need smoke and mirrors and a special performance by Justin Timberlake to have a good time.
Tomorrow night, 8:00 See you there.
Nobody even likes cantaloupe.
I do.
In fact, it is my favorite fruit.
It's slimy and tasteless.
There are literally a million better fruits.
Wait.
I get it.
Ringo's your favorite Beatle, isn't he? You pretend to like inferior things just to be cool.
You think I'm cool? Maybe I could hang out with your roommates.
I hate Chloe and Zoe.
You know, I'm pretty sure they stole my bathing suit.
What? Why? Because they suck, and they know I only have one.
Oh, they're just jealous.
You know how they say dogs can smell fear? Mmhmm.
I think popular girls can smell outcasts.
Yo, guys.
I got to say this.
Those crispy pancakes were off the hook this morning.
That's because they were waffles.
Thanks.
So what's the deal with you and crispy pancakes? Shut up.
No, nothing.
We're just talking.
Yeah, he seems like a super-deep talker.
Whatever.
You know, I mean, he's cute, but I've had a pretty rough year with guys, so I don't know.
Has anyone seen Eleanor Switzer? I want her to do my hair again for the dance.
Last year she made me look just like Blake Lively.
Mm.
She did.
Eleanor has had appendicitis, so she's not coming this summer.
Poor thing.
Oh.
I should send her a care package.
- Eleanor loves tangelos.
- Mm, noted.
Um, this was just delivered from Ridgefield.
What is it? A list of foods that are off-limits for the dance.
- What? - Apparently, they'll only drink locally sourced punch.
I have no idea what that means, but I really hope it's hi-c mixed with 7up, 'cause that's what they're getting.
This is ridiculous.
They're getting oreos, milk maybe.
Let's go talk to Roger.
"Gluten-free beignets"? Ugh.
Really? My people have needs.
If camp Little Otter can't accommodate them, maybe we should discuss having the mixer at Ridgefield.
Not gonna happen, Roger.
This is our year.
That's the deal.
You're right.
You're right.
I just I hate to disappoint my campers.
But, of course, you know all about that.
You run Little Otter.
You gave me a crash course in disappointment the first time we slept together.
Is that why you came back for seconds? Boom! You and that kid Same age.
Hey, you.
How's writing? Hard and terrible.
- Still taking your morning swims? - No, I'm done, actually.
- Done for the day or? - No, done done.
Wow.
So what are you gonna do with all your free time? Maybe I'll become a novelist.
Looks like all you do is sit around and drink coffee.
You're not far off.
You know, Mack, if you're ever feeling sad or bored or any of those other negative emotions that I don't feel Roger, just stop.
Sorry.
What I meant to say was, if you're ever feeling a little lonely, come over.
I mean it.
Oh.
Okay.
Thanks, Roger.
Eleanor? Eleanor Switzer? Hey.
Mack, it's so good to see you.
What are you doing here? Oh, God, I-I didn't know how to tell you.
Bob got this huge promotion.
He's head of marketing now.
He has to be able to talk to his team.
Doug told them we'd be ready to pitch on Tuesday.
Take away a man's technology, you take away his manhood.
It's it's primal.
I'm so sorry.
My God.
If it was up to me, you you know I understand.
People get seduced by their shiny trinkets, and they make mistakes.
I want you to go to maintenance, get a hammer, and hit Doug in the pills for me.
You guys have come to Little Otter for the last five years.
You are practically family.
Just tell me, what do I have to do to get you back? Camp 1x03 - The Mixer Bob Switzer is a tool.
I never understood what Eleanor saw in that loser.
- Good riddance.
- No, I want them back.
- What did he just do? - Truth grenade.
Mack, if you want to get the Switzers back, you need to think about a cell tower.
- Todd.
- I'm sorry.
I have a job.
I-I have to talk to the office, and it sucks waiting for some love-sick teenager to get off America's last pay phone.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience, Todd, but Little Otter is about connecting with the people who are here, not in cyberspace.
It's their loss.
Now, can we please talk about the mixer? I am so ready to embarrass my family.
Atta girl.
We need a theme.
Dante's Inferno.
Luau.
Egypt.
Panama Canal.
Foam.
Little House on The Prairie.
Oh prison.
Raffi loves a theme.
Shakespeare "A midsummer night's dream.
" That would be so woodsy and magical.
- I like that.
- Oh.
How could you possibly misplace this thing? It's practically glowing.
Focus.
We need to find a bathing suit.
I don't know why you want to be a lifeguard anyway, okay? The beach is totally overrated.
Uh, it beats pouring coffee and making waffles.
- You should do it too.
- No way, okay? Water, sun It's not really my thing.
Found one.
It's ugly, right? It's not really Yeah, it's butt-ugly.
Yeah, well, it's the only one.
I'm trying it on.
You know, lakes are filled with all kinds of weird things - Microscopic bugs - Oh, really? Yeah, I have a I have a friend whose cousin went swimming once in a lake.
Caught this viral thing, and now he's paralyzed.
And the same thing happened to F.
D.
R.
He had polio.
Yeah, which he caught from a lake.
Thank you.
Besides, I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty good at pouring coffee.
I almost always get the cup just the right amount of full.
Are you sure? It would be fun.
We could train together.
I mean, I guess I could try.
Hey, Sarah.
Your coach is on the phone.
He says it's important.
Lou.
Mind your own business, okay? Why did you hang up on your coach? I lost to Danica Cox at the pac-12 finals this spring.
I'm pretty sure she's a dude.
Mm.
Anyway, I called my coach a Nazi, got wasted, and crashed my car.
Oh, boy.
They kicked me off the team and revoked my scholarship.
I don't even know why he's calling.
Well, life is full of difficult conversations.
Let's go have one.
So kind of a miracle, but the disciplinary board are open to reinstating Sarah's scholarship.
Because she had drugs and alcohol in her system, she'll need to submit urine samples all summer to prove she can stay clean.
I smoked some pot.
The other drug was for studying.
They're both illegal.
You can't compete pulling crap like that.
God, I messed up once.
There's that attitude.
- He acts like I'm a meth head.
- Would you just hear him out? She's gonna need to pee in a cup.
She can do that.
I can handle things on this end.
This is a second chance for you, Sarah.
It's a no-brainer.
Maybe I don't want a second chance.
Awesome.
I guess we're done, then.
Coach, could you just hang on a sec, please? Sarah, take a breath.
All I'm saying is, what if I crashed my car on purpose? - Did you? - No, but maybe it was my subconscious deciding that I don't want to swim anymore.
Well, this is really a decision your conscious mind should make.
Hello? Sorry, coach.
We're here.
48 hours, then the deal's off the table.
Don't try to talk me into it.
I've known you since you were 11.
I know better than that.
Ugh.
Now what? - You got it? - Yeah.
Open up all the windows! Cole! What happened? Okay, so the hot tub that I just hooked up in boys town may have overloaded the circuit board, which almost definitely caused a small electrical fire.
I'm sorry.
Did you just say we had a hot tub? Okay, Mack, before we get into blame, you should know Don't worry! Fire's out.
Problem solved.
There you go.
It's all good.
Look, I get it.
Working at the lake, hot chicks in bikinis as far as the eye can see.
Plus, you don't smell like maple syrup from working in the kitchen.
But let's be realistic, Kip.
You can't swim.
No, I'm a good swimmer.
You know who is a better swimmer than you are? My neighbor's kid.
She's five.
She's got one arm.
She's a better swimmer than you are.
The slim noodle Throw it to me.
You know who else is a better swimmer than you? - My grandma.
- The noodle-throw it.
And my grandma's dead.
Come on, just throw the damn noodle! Look, I thought I was going to be the dumb one in this friendship, but clearly in this instance, you're the dumbass.
But we can rotate.
You have strong fingers.
You're such a good guitar player.
An Asian John Mayer.
Ew.
What is she wearing? Is that a "lost and found" bathing suit? Wow.
She's so Liv Tyler right now.
Shut up, Deanna.
Do you, like, want to get chlamydia? Hey! Why don't you hyenas back off? Hey, Greg Would you mind putting some sunscreen on my back? I can't reach.
- Yeah, sure.
- Great.
Thanks.
- B-town, b-money, little "b.
" - No.
Buzz saw, Buzz cut, Buzz feed not the website.
Definitely not.
Bpain, vitamin "b," b-rock Obama, Buzz-yonce.
Okay, stop.
Why do you need a stage name to dj a camp mixer? Because I'm not just spinning, I'm creating a whole experience.
Okay, just as long as that experience includes watching your mom geek out to O.
P.
P.
That's pretty much when it goes off.
That's probably not gonna happen.
She's freaking out.
She wants to get the Switzers back from Ridgefield, so it's on me to raise our game.
So this whole dj thing is about helping out your mom? I thought it was just about getting girls.
Come on, give me some credit.
I'd say it's about 50/50.
Think we're ready? Okay, one, two, three.
Oh, look, it's "hot tub" Willie and his bag of bad ideas.
- I'm sorry.
- You blew my power grid.
The dining hall will be fixed.
I promise.
Look, Ridgefield Our competition is coming over to see what the camp looks like now with me running it alone.
I said I'll take care of it.
Relax.
No relaxing, Cole, no hot tubs.
The Switzers left.
Steve left.
Okay, okay, the Switzers and Steve - Two completely unrelated things.
- Are they? Todd thinks we should put in a cell tower.
I know.
And Ruth Harris suggested that I might want to get a little work done myself.
She showed me her boob lift this morning.
It's kind of miraculous.
Okay, he's wrong, and she's whatever.
- Your boobs look fantastic.
- Cole! Sorry.
What's going on with you, hmm? 30 seconds of naughty by nature, and I know this for a fact, usually chills you right out.
O.
P.
P.
, best jam of all time Soundtrack to the greatest summer of my life.
It's not fixing it.
I just didn't I didn't mean to lie.
I just didn't know how to tell you or anyone I messed up and got kicked off the team.
I get it.
If I don't do this whole pee-test thing, I'll lose my scholarship.
So? You can take out student loans.
Yeah, I know.
- Will you? - What? Will you still love me if I'm not a swimmer? Yeah, dummy.
Of course.
You've been a superstar a long time.
Now you can join us regular people.
Yeah, that does sound kind of nice.
Can we just stay like this for a while? Why are you taking the lifeguard test? Chloe, didn't we talk about the ambushing? Are you doing it because I am? - No.
- Really? One minute you're the early shower-taking outcast, the next you're this normal human being with a love of sunlight and a desire to save lives? Okay, what's happening here? You kissed me two days ago.
Is this normal behavior after sudden kissing? Do you want me to kiss you again? Well, it's a lot more fun than being interrogated.
Then I think you should get back in that box of existential angst where you belong.
Jeez.
Okay, enough with that bathing suit.
You need to check the "lost and found.
" I did.
This was the only one there.
Check again.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Remember when you said I should come over if I was ever having some of those human emotions that you don't feel? I do remember.
Is that what's happening now? Are you gonna invite me in? - Rog? - Yes, I Oh.
Hello.
Did you invite someone to play, Roger? Hey, how's it looking? Okay? The phone guy says it'll look just like a pine tree when it's up.
Isn't our charm all about being analog? Our charm is multidimensional.
You swore you'd never put in a cell tower.
I changed my mind.
Come on, it'll be great.
What do the Switzers have on you? This is not just about the Switzers, Cole.
Bob Switzer gets a new job, and suddenly we're not good enough for them.
That's their problem, not ours.
You can't be afraid of change, Cole.
I'm excited.
You should be too.
It is time for an upgrade.
A grown man with a lollipop? That's not cool.
I disagree.
He looks like a child molester.
It's in the same category as suspenders.
Maybe he just has a sweet tooth.
Oh, then maybe he should eat some cake.
Brad Pitt, "Ocean's Eleven", lollipop Totally worked.
I win.
No.
- Hey, marina.
- Oh, hey.
Lifeguard test in 20 minutes.
We should go.
You nervous? No.
Dude, if you can't keep your head above water, stop moving and let yourself sink to the bottom.
You'll die quicker.
Shut up.
I'm not gonna die Probably.
I'm just saying, the less you struggle, the less embarrassing it is for everyone.
Okay, listen up, lifeguard wannabes.
When I blow this whistle, you got to dive off the dock, swim to that buoy and back.
Everybody, ready, set, and I still can't believe Mack put in a cell tower.
Yep.
She finally caved.
Hey, guys? I'm worried about her.
I think she's losing her mind.
Dudes, um, I think Kip might be drowning.
- Is he all right? - Get him up, get him up! - Get him up! - Kip, you okay? - What happened? - What happened? That kid was drowning, and you just swim by? This is a lifeguard test.
You know what? Automatic fail for all of you! What happened? - Take it slow.
- Hey, you okay? - Yeah.
- Is he okay? Oh, my God.
Kip! Hang on! Kip! So this is your plan Live in the woods for the rest of your life? Look, no one cares if you can't swim.
I can't - I can't ride a bike.
- Is that true? No, it's a lie.
I don't know why I said that.
I can ride a bike.
- Yeah, well, I can't.
- Seriously? I mean No big deal.
It's about playing to your strengths.
- What are you good at? - I'm not good at anything.
Come on, everyone is good at something, unless you've been living under a rock.
Yeah, well, I've been living under a huge rock A big leukemia rock, okay? Yeah, I-I know that.
Then why the hell were you taking the lifeguard test? That Oh, Marina.
I know stupid.
There's no need to explain.
I get it.
Yeah, right.
Happens to the best of us, man.
All you can do is try.
What you did out there, taking that swim test? That's That's dangerous as hell and kind of stupid, but you tried.
- And I failed.
- This time.
It's a long summer.
Going on a bender? Uh, no, it's, um, for the mixer tonight.
- Are you coming? - No, I don't mix well.
I'm like a single-malt scotch Meant to be enjoyed neat.
Right.
With this much crappy vodka, there will definitely be two massively hungover camps tomorrow.
One massively hungover camp.
We otters are used to the bottom shelf.
What if I point you in the direction of some top shelf Just sitting there, collecting dust? Well, I guess we could save this stuff for a rainy day.
Let's go.
- You look dope, mom.
- Thanks, hon.
So, listen, I need a promise from you.
I need you to promise me that you won't interfere with my set list.
What is it? Is this written in Chinese? Because I don't know any of these songs.
Which tells me I'm doing something right.
I'm gonna help you bring this fine institution into the 21st century.
Why are you wearing your glasses, Buzz? - It's my stage gear.
- Oh.
Hi.
Hey, hi.
It was the best I could do.
That's that's good.
Heard you got a cell tower.
Good move, but you still won't get the Switzers back.
The place looks great, by the way.
Did the 99-cent store have a closeout? Hey, about last night Let's just forget it ever happened.
Sure thing.
But just so you know, Missy The girl that I was with - Oh.
- Not much fun in the sack.
Is that right? Doesn't boss me around like you do.
I know that in your own idiotic way, you're trying to be nice, so - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Hey! You look really pretty.
- Yeah, totally! Maybe we can all dance together later.
Yeah, that That would be cool.
I'll see you guys out there.
Oh, please, not now.
Don't lose power now! Mother of all that is holy! Party people, put your hands together for dj Buzz-erk! - It's okay.
- Don't worry.
When the Switzers get back to Ridgefield, our on-site doctor will look out for the little brat's ears.
If there's no permanent damage, he can work through his emotional trauma in our video arcade.
Lets you choose two of five seasonal favorites Oh, my God.
Have you seen it? Hey, marina, is this silk? What did you just do? Nothing.
It's just soft.
Hey, you don't Aw.
Oh, my God.
I haven't seen sunsets this pretty.
Told you.
Why do they have all this booze if it just sits here? Why swim a 16-minute mile and not be on the swim team? - Oh, are you teasing me? - No.
Yeah, 'cause I overshared in the car.
I'm a writer.
I can't sit down on a plane without getting a life story.
My coach thinks I'm squandering my gift.
What do you think? It sucks to aim high and miss Like, not make the Olympics by 1/10 of a second.
"The heart is an arsenal" was a giant success Movie rights, all that.
My second book I didn't know you wrote another book.
Exactly.
It was terrible.
Three people read it.
I quit.
But you're writing another novel.
Oh, I'd rather aim high and miss than not aim at all.
So you're saying I'm a coward.
I'm saying you have, uh, 36 hours to decide if you want to give up fun for four years to meet your olympic destiny, which could be glory or agony.
I know which decision will cause the most painful regret So do you.
This doesn't look good.
I need you to grab my toolbox and meet me out back.
Buzz! It's dj Buzz-erk.
Buzz-erk.
Right, dj Buzz-erk.
This set is great for, like, Ibiza, but maybe you ought to play something for the old folks.
This is just the setup I've got a diabolical beat that's gonna make everyone's panties drop.
Derek, I told you You can't hang out here and talk to dead people.
You sure about this? Yeah, just pass me the nitrogen canister.
What have I got here? - Play O.
P.
P.
- No.
- Play my jam! - You promised! I'm counting to three, Buzz-erk.
Thank you.
Did she just make her son play O.
P.
P.
? Isn't that weird sort of, - in an oedipal context? - Yeah.
But it's kind of sweet too.
All right, ready? I like it.
Dance with me, Roger.
Mack, I don't dance.
Hey! How's the party been? Slamming! Let me help you out with that.
What's this? - Nice! - Thank you.
- Hey.
- Dance? Nice job, Mack.
You went all out.
Oh.
Only the best for you, Roger.
I've been going over this lollipop thing, and I don't think it's fair to use Brad Pitt as your example.
I mean, that guy could walk around with a pacifier in his mouth and still not look creepy.
Okay, but it But it is nice to be able to take your candy out of your mouth for a second without getting your hands all sticky.
Good point.
Thank you.
You throw a hell of a lunchroom hoedown.
Mm.
Manage to charm the Switzers into coming back? They seemed to have a great time, but I didn't ask.
Playing the long game, I see.
So what's next? A gift basket full of pine cones and dried otter poo? The Switzers are all yours, Rog.
You're giving up so easy? That's not fun.
I love our little tussles.
I'm not giving up.
I am letting go.
Sorry.
You lost me.
There's winning, and then there's losing.
Sometimes when people leave, it has nothing to do with you.
It's all about them.
Um, when people leave, it usually means you suck.
Okay, then I'm leaving.
Good night, Roger.
I get it.
Good one.
'Cause I suck.
That was a softball.
Come back.
I want a do-over.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'll walk you to your cabin.
Oh.
Sure.
Thanks, Cole.
Are you going to the party on Saturday? Jimmy, here.
Check it out.
The plan is to start spinning at clubs, maybe arenas one day.
I just want to keep my integrity, you know? Totally.
Integrity's so important.
Hey.
Are you cute? Oh, yeah, definitely Way cute.
Okay! - Oh, no, not the hot tub.
- Oh, for a second Good morning, Little Otter.
I apologize for the noise.
The phone company has promised me that the cell tower will be removed by the end of the day.
Sorry, kids.
We're an analog camp No digital face-lift needed.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
I heard they made everyone redo the lifeguard test.
It looks like you passed.
Congrats.
Thanks.
It's been fun so far.
But I'm gonna miss working in the kitchen.
Oh, yeah, you're really missing out.
Today we got to clean the grease traps in the oven.
Well, I'll miss you.
You just have to spend more time at the beach, I guess.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Anyway, I got to go.
Yeah.
You go lifeguard the hell out of that beach.
Dude, I can't get the smell of puke out of my bathing suit.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe how close I was to touching boob last night.
Why does everything always have to suck? Well, don't worry.
It's a long summer.
- Hey.
- Ah.
Remember the glaziers? Yeah.
Interesting family.
They liked to fish with their hands.
- They were terrible at it.
- And they drank a lot.
And I think one of the grandsons is a bit of a pyro.
Well, anyway, they just called.
They wanted to book a family reunion for the end of August 34 people.
Can we do that? Absolutely.
Do we know if the firebug's coming? We'll just lock up the lighter fluid and hope for the best.
Good thinking.
Oh, hey, show me the hot tub.
Hey.
Sorry.
Did I wake you? No, it's okay.
You went swimming.
Yeah.
I decided to try to get back on the team Which means no more drinking, smoking, or sleeping in.
That's good.
- It is? - Yeah.
You totally hog the covers in the morning.
- Thank you.
- What for? I don't know just going on the ride with me.
That was fun last night.
Where did you score all that top-shelf booze? I have my ways.
Oh, wow.
You knocked.
How normal and nonthreatening of you.
Is something wrong? Oh, my God.
Is this when you kill me? You almost drowned yesterday.
- Yeah, so? - That was hot.
Really? Me drowning was hot? You listened.
You get me.
That poem was about the six seconds of consciousness before you die.
Of course it was.
And I get why you took the lifeguard test.
You do? You are not afraid to peer into the darkness.
You are not afraid of anything.
Well, I'm a little afraid of you.
And that will make this even more exciting.
Love this hot tub.
Only takes about 42 hours to get hot.
Totally worth it.
There it goes.
The place looks good again.
Hey, you never told me how you fixed the electricity problem.
You don't want to know.
Cole.
I tapped into Ridgefield's power line.