Camp s01e04 Episode Script
Valentine's Day in July
1 Sarah! Over here! Good morning.
I haven't seen you since our vodka heist.
Yeah, thanks for that.
Wasn't my vodka, but you're welcome.
Not for the vodka, for the advice.
Now I'm back in the water and peeing in a cup twice a week.
Ah, all the sacrifices we must make for our craft.
[Chuckles.]
What's the grin for? Now I know where to find you.
head up love Fyo! Fyodor! Come back here! What'd you give him, a real arrow? No, I don't know where he got that.
Fyo! Valentine's day in July.
This is so lame.
Hmm.
But I like the butt-shaped pancakes.
Generally speaking, I'm not a fan of these consumer holidays, but I do like it when buzz breaks out his little frog tie with the hearts on it and sings the entire "once" musical and cries.
- No.
- I stand by it.
"Once" is a very emotional musical.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Nice bracelets.
Did you guys weave them from strands of each ether's hair or Yeah, kip.
That's exactly what we did.
I don't know.
I kind of like it.
My manager's girlfriend brought them back from tulum.
- Anyone want juice? - Yeah, sure.
Yeah, he doesn't really have a manager.
I think he does.
His band is kind of taking off.
And just because he annoys you doesn't mean he's not talented.
I've heard him play.
Below average, c-minus at best.
- He's all swagger and confidence.
- Which is attractive.
Yeah, until you realize he comes with a peace sign on his ankle.
Oh, so you're against peace? No, I'm just against peace sign tattoos.
Maybe it's ironic.
Ah, that doesn't really make any sense.
There's no way to spin this, and you lose.
Hmm.
You might want to lay off the bacon.
[Whispers.]
Bottom-heavy.
- Hey, leave her alone.
- No one was talking to you, emo boy.
Oh, okay.
And happy Valentine's day to you too, Chloe.
Keep eyes on the swimsuit catalog.
No Internet, this place is a porn desert.
I love it.
Thanks.
Why did I do Valentine's this year? - I may as well waterboard myself.
- 'Cause your mom loved it.
It's for a good cause, and it gets the kids out of the cabin, so I can smoke.
Look at them all.
They're so excited about love and romance.
If only they knew how it ends.
It doesn't have to end badly.
You just had a crappy husband.
But now that you're single, you get to experience passion and sex again.
- God, I am so horny.
- You have a husband.
I don't want to have sex with Dave.
I already know what that is.
I want to be surprised.
Men in their 40s do not surprise you.
I know what's ahead of me: damaged goods, workaholics, emotional cripples.
I'm gonna kill myself.
Have you ever thought of taking something for that? The only love I believe in now is the love between mother and son.
In fact, I'm gonna get buzz one of those Valentine-grams.
How very Norma Bates of you.
- Yeah.
- You gotta get up there.
Announce, yeah.
Okay, and now the moment you've all been waiting for.
Wondering if you're the winner of the annual raffle? Well, the wait is over.
And the winner of the 50 shades of Little Otter tour with Mack and Steve Oh, it's probably just you, Mack.
Just keep cranking.
[Drum roll.]
And the winner is Roger Shepard? [Cheers and applause.]
As in Ridgefield Roger? 50 shades of Little Otter just got 50 shades more interesting.
[Miracle Mile by Cold War Kids.]
Roger? Roger? [Pool balls clacking.]
You bought a raffle ticket to the 50 shades of Little Otter tour with Mack and Steve.
Actually, I bought 50, one for each shade.
Did I win? Yes, you won.
That tour is for old people.
If you're doing this because you think I'll have sex with you, don't bother showing up.
Oh, please.
I don't need to spend 50 bucks to bone.
Can you just not say that word? - It's creepy.
- Fine.
Look.
Truth is, the cause is near and dear.
My mom had a weak ticker.
Oh, so you don't actually want to do the tour? Yeah, I want to do the tour.
It'll give me a good lay of the land, so I know what I'm getting when you go belly-up and I have to buy your crappy camp.
I'll see you at 11:00.
Am I to assume the tour is clothing-optional? Ugh.
[door slams.]
[Creaking.]
I got your note.
What do you What do you want? Shh.
Don't speak.
Am I the first girl you've ever kissed? No, I got a lot of play in the cancer ward.
Really? No, we were sleeping and throwing up.
Chemo isn't exactly an aphrodisiac.
You're so dark, but I like it.
Were you scared of dying? Yeah.
Most of the time, though sometimes, I got so sick, I didn't really care anymore.
One time, I held my breath for, like, 200 seconds.
Or at least I think it was 200 seconds 'cause I passed out and saw all these little lights.
Yeah.
I've seen those little lights.
How'd you know you were sick again the last time you relapsed? Well, I thought I had the flu, and then I puked blood.
Wow.
- No one can know about us.
- Why? Zoe is going through a lot with this whole Greg thing.
We took a blood oath we could only have a boyfriend at the same time.
Plus, everything is so much more romantic when it's forbidden.
Yeah, I have I have cancer.
I'm not a vampire.
Maybe you're just embarrassed to be seen with me.
Would that be a problem? No.
[Ball and Biscuit by The White Stripes.]
Hey, Cole.
Hey, Mack.
Heard about Roger.
If you need a hand, I can do the tour with you.
Oh, I can handle Roger.
Oh, I know you can handle Roger.
What? What's that supposed to mean? What's that look for? What look? It's just my face, Mack.
- Mom! - Oh, God! Oh, g [Thud.]
1x04 Valentine's Day in July ah, hey, hey Okay, okay, everyone.
Listen up.
C.
P.
R.
demo in honor of Valentine's week.
Clearly, she's unresponsive and not breathing.
So first, we call 911.
Then, heel of the palm, interlace fingers, and start chest compressions.
[Laughter and cheering.]
Someone's gotta tell Mack no one takes it seriously.
I take it very seriously.
You are seriously hot right now.
After 30 compressions, two breaths.
Tilt the head back, pinch the nose, and [All cheering.]
- Oh, yeah.
- All right, okay! Keep the chest compressions going.
- What are you doing later? - You.
Then off campus, bar.
Sounds like a plan.
- And she's alive.
- Yay.
Hey, uh, Marina, why don't you start us off? Pick your victim.
Greg.
Slut.
You'd be a slut too, but nobody likes you.
My cousin has a friend on Facebook who went to school with her.
Time to see what she knows.
We begin our tour here with a sound.
[Bird chirps.]
Hear that lovely whistle? You want to take a gander as to what kind of bird that is? Is it the feathered I-don't-give-a-crappity? [Rattling.]
Oh, hey, Cole.
What you doing up here? Just gonna clear out this tree.
- Thanks.
- Don't mind me.
It's a lovebird right here in our basswood tree.
[Grunts.]
I boned in a redwood once.
It's pretty hot.
Are you really gonna do this all day? I'm sorry, it's just too easy to get a rise out of you.
- I'll stop.
- Thank you.
Now we will take a gentle stroll around the lake.
Replace the word "stroll" with "bone," and you got yourself a gentle bone around the lake.
All right, that's it.
Last time, promise.
Hmm.
Dude, I am so messed up.
Yeah, I heard your mom walked in on you.
[Laughs.]
I'm sorry.
You heard? I'm not laughing.
This is the worst thing that's happened to anyone, ever.
My best friend got his arm bit off by a shark.
This is worse.
Happy v-day.
- Thanks, Fyo.
- What? You're not even gonna look at them? - I'm not feeling it this year.
- But you're Cole.
And that's just wrong and selfish and not fair.
- And can I read them? - Knock yourself out.
[Gasps.]
These are incredible.
This one even has a picture.
You know, this would have been perfect three days ago, before my mother walked in on me and stole the only remaining pleasure I had in life.
Now I may as well be looking at a picture of a toaster.
[Sighs.]
We end our tour here in this mystical spot, where, Lore has it, the great chippewa chief Little Otter brought his wife Lily Black Bird.
The spirit of their love is said to inhabit the area.
It's been the site of over 200 weddings and the conception of one child.
Want to make it two? - Or we could call it a day.
- Come on.
Where's your Valentine's day in July spirit? Oh, I don't know, Roger.
Maybe you killed it with your "bone" jokes, or maybe it died this morning when I walked in on my son masturbating.
Or, oh, most likely it was murdered when I remembered that today is the day that Steve proposed to me, oh, so many years ago.
Okay, firstly, walking in on your son wanking Hysterical.
No, it isn't.
Okay, maybe it's a little funny.
And, second, I knew Steve was lame, but he proposed to you on your mom's stupid fake holiday? Yes.
I hope he had a really good ring.
It was a blade of grass.
I still have it.
[Laughs.]
You know what the saddest part is? That you still have it? At the time, I thought it was the most romantic thing in the whole world.
Now I know it was just plain lazy.
Oh, well, that part of my life is gone forever.
You can't possibly want another weed around your finger.
No, no.
What I'm trying to say is when we're young, we lived to be shaken to our core by love.
Then we get older, and we know that's never gonna happen again.
- And, well, it's just sad.
- Oh, it'll happen.
- And how do you know? - 'Cause I've been married twice.
It happens, and it's even better.
Can I give you some advice as a double-divorce? - Do I have a choice? - My second marriage I put the kibosh on Valentine's day altogether.
And birthdays.
Well, except my birthday.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you, Roger.
That was strangely sweet.
You're sweet, Mack.
- I gotta go.
- Yeah.
[Dramatic music.]
Oh, my God.
Marina! No, no.
Don't look! Don't look! Don't look at it! Okay, I'm not.
- I'm not, I'm not.
- Oh, my God.
We're gonna get these down, okay? It's gonna be okay.
I can't believe this is happening.
No one's gonna judge you for this, Marina, okay? Everyone knows how cool you are.
No one knows anything except that I'm a stupid freaking stupid idiot.
So say it! That is not true.
Come here.
Okay, I think we got them all.
Maybe no one saw.
[Indistinct chatter.]
[Laughter.]
I hate it here.
I wanna come home.
Now.
We're in Atlantic City.
Well, and Rick's Powerlifting.
We can come get you Thursday if he doesn't make it to the finals.
[Hangs up phone.]
You okay? Fine.
- You want to talk about it? - No.
You want to tell me who's responsible? No.
Listen, hon, you made a mistake.
But this isn't who you are.
Don't let it be.
And if anybody gives you a hard time, you come and talk to me, okay? God.
Davey fell asleep on a piece of tinfoil.
Ow.
Marina okay? - How about you? - It's been a strange day.
Shoot some pool later? So did he try anything on you? Besides using the word "bone" about a hundred times, he was pretty well-behaved.
I mean, for Roger.
Sounds like you guys had a pretty good time.
What? What's that look for? I told you, Mack, it's just my face.
Don't be paranoid.
I'm so disappointed.
I was really hoping for something I could take back to the bedroom.
What about you, Cole? You have a hot, not-Valentine's date this year? Nope.
I'm sensing and you know I'm a little psychic Maybe there's more to you and Roger.
It's Roger.
So? He's gorgeous.
He's got that accent, and he's loaded.
And he's obnoxious, and he wears pink shirts, and he brings in deer to shoot.
Well, we have nothing in common.
Well, Dave and I have tons of stuff in common, and I can barely stand the sight of him.
- You said the sex was good.
- Oh, stop.
Look, I used to be a sucker for the guy who sold the raffle tickets, "Dave in Nonprofit.
" Now I'd take the guy who buys them any day.
- And Roger bought like 50.
- You're up, Mack.
I got next.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting something? - No.
- Yeah, act Means you're gonna be playing me and Todd.
You sure you want to do that? I'm sitting this one out.
You two have fun with your sticks.
I know my way around a pool table.
Besides, you're too young to be good at, well, anything.
Old enough to go all night, that's all you need to know.
Very funny.
That's not what I heard.
Maybe you should turn up your hearing aid, grandpa.
Look, I understand why you're a little hostile.
Kid with all that talent, drafted out of high school, washes out of the minor leagues.
Just didn't want it badly enough.
It's a little more complicated than that.
I heard about what happened with the nude pic.
I'm so sorry.
That blows.
You better watch your back.
Stop playing like a girl.
You're playing like my grandma.
Yes, yes, yes! Oh! I hate you! Hey, isn't that that writer that you like? "The heart book"? "Heart on a stick"? What's it called? "The heart is an arsenal".
Yeah.
That one.
Uh, wow, I don't know.
Maybe.
Again? Let's buy him a drink.
No, no.
- No, it'll be fun.
Why not? - Don't, don't.
Hey.
Hey.
It's Miguel, right? - Robbie.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, can I introduce you to someone? Thanks.
Hey, it is him.
Miguel Santos, this is my girlfriend, Sarah Brennen.
She loves your book, man.
Hi, it's really nice to meet you, Miguel.
Nice to meet you too, Sarah.
- Hi.
- Public! Yeah, I'll be real quick.
I can deal with you treating me like crap, but I draw the line when you attack my friend.
Marina? It wasn't me, it was Zoe.
Well, Zoe, Chloe Right now I can't really tell the two of you apart.
We're done.
Oh, no.
Another devastating miss by the youngster.
But then again, that's his story, isn't it? You don't know anything about me.
Please, enlighten me.
I don't talk about baseball with Australians.
Hey, Mack.
Ever hear the legend of Dave Coleman? - What legend? - No, no Whatever.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Hold that.
Hey, I understand.
I mean, who'd want to tell the story of how they went from being the 19th pick in the first round to a janitor at a third-rate family camp? Why don't we go outside? I'll tell you all about it.
Oh, I'll take it outside.
You want to take it outside? Yeah, I want to take it outside.
- It was my idea, remember? - All right, then.
Let's go outside.
Let's go outside then.
I was born outside.
Going outside! [Cue stick clatters.]
Who wants to see me kick Roger's ass? The only ass getting kicked is yours, my friend.
Anyway, after Belize, I spent a month wandering around Mumbai for research.
Talk about an exercise in existentialism.
You just feel life pulsing through you because you could die at any moment.
Sorry, I think there's gonna be a fight.
Gotta go.
We met at camp when we were ten.
Are you apologizing? No.
No.
No, oh, my God.
No.
'Cause he seems like a great guy.
He is a great guy.
I don't know why I pretended I didn't know you.
That was totally weird.
I wasn't offended.
[Rock music.]
[Crowd outside shouting.]
Uh, better make sure no one ends up in the hospital.
[Rock music.]
Come on, Roger! Come on! Wow.
What's going on? - Man-fight! Take those shirts off! I retract my psychic vision about you and Roger.
Let's see what you got, old man.
- Oh, I'll show you what I got.
- Bring it on.
You ready? Here it comes.
I got a knockin' in my knees and a wobble in my walk, yeah Whoa! Aah! [All gasp.]
Uhh! Come on, Roger.
Is that all you got? Stop! Roger, stop.
Stop it! Stop it! [Crowd groans.]
Agh! Ah, damn it! Ooh.
Oh, man.
That does look painful, Roger.
Cole, what are you, eight? I am trying to run a family camp.
You're supposed to set an example.
- I'm sorry, Roger just - I don't want to hear it.
The two of you are acting like idiots.
It's It's broken.
[Screams.]
[Breathing heavily.]
[Imitating miguel.]
These cheerios Talk about an exercise in existentialism.
Who are they? Who am I? Excuse me, I would like another single malt, "por favor".
I am so parched from talking about myself so much.
You haven't even read his book.
Yeah, well, now I really don't want to.
"When Hollywood calls, leave your integrity at the doorstep.
" Yeah, thanks for that, Miguel.
That's great advice.
I'll be sure to pass that on to the kids in Toddler Town as soon as possible.
- Douche.
- Okay, seriously, enough.
You sound like a total hick-snob.
[Laughs.]
A "hick-snob"? Yeah.
You think anyone who can't talk fantasy football and beers on tap is stupid.
You're gonna hate Stanford.
Okay, we just went from making fun of people, like we do most mornings, to you calling me a hick-snob.
I just think you're being really small-town.
I thought Miguel was interesting.
"Small-town"? That's rich, coming from an over-privileged suburban brat.
[Puts glass on table.]
Hey, how's the shame hoodie working for you? It isn't.
You can't let them slut-shame you.
Everybody has boobs.
We all have boobs, people! I will take to the streets in solidarity with you.
Thanks, Grace, but I just want it to go away.
It will.
People are gonna forget all about it.
You think? No, not your thing.
That's forever.
So what happened? I sent a guy a picture of my boobs, and he sent it to the whole school.
You know, I actually thought he cared about me.
So dumb.
Pretty much ruined my year.
- Well, that guy's a dick.
- Mm.
And he's dumb.
Wow, you're joining the pariah table.
I don't judge.
You shouldn't let those girls get to you.
They're stupid and jealous.
You have a beautiful body, Marina.
Can we not talk about my body? I just want people to see me for once, not my stupid mistakes.
I see you.
I see you too.
Hey, Zoe.
Nice haircut.
Food fight! [Screams.]
Lunchtime is just not fair hot dog mustard in your hair sucks for the janitor fight on [grunting.]
Sucks for the janitor, fight on So, what, are we kicked out of camp? No.
There are 33 bins on campus.
You might want to pick up the pace.
- This is so lame.
- Don't worry.
You'll be broken long before you finish.
- Oh, gross.
- Ugh, gross.
Do you think I'm an over-privileged suburban brat? - Hmm? - That's what Robbie called me.
We bumped into this writer, Miguel Santos, who's staying at Ridgefield.
Robbie thought he was a douche, and I thought he was totally interesting, and now we're in a big fight.
What does this writer look like? What does that have to do with anything? Robbie just wants to put me in a box.
What kind of box? Yeah.
Now I know what kind of box you're talking about.
And I can definitely see why Robbie does not like him.
- Why? - He's a triple threat.
He's gorgeous, critically acclaimed novelist, and you're totally taken with him.
[Sighs.]
I'm so confused.
Robbie is the most beautiful person I've ever met, and I love him, I do.
But I met him when I was ten years old.
Okay, and here's this writer who's been out living Really living, and he knows things.
And he's giving me all this attention.
And I'm sure he just does it to everyone.
Do you think he does it to everyone or just me? I'm assuming you haven't told Robbie the part about the attention and how it feels? No.
No, worse.
I lied.
I pretended I didn't even know Miguel when we bumped into him at the bar.
Okay.
Now Robbie is going to Stanford in September, and I can just see the rest of my life laid out before me.
It's me and Robbie.
He's a lawyer.
We have a couple of kids.
I teach swimming at the "Y.
" And I guess what I'm asking is is it better to regret the things you did or the things you didn't? I can't answer that.
Sarah, Robbie deserves your honesty.
Yeah.
That's plastic, you idiot.
[Grunts.]
Ohh! Aah! I wasn't actually gonna hurt you.
[Crying.]
Are you okay? Should I get Mack? [Sobs.]
My mom is going to kill me.
But why? You didn't cut your hair.
My pageant life is over this season.
That's what my mom lives for.
Can't you just do the pageants with short hair? No! I'm nothing now.
You know, once you even it out, I think it'll look really cute.
You could even go super pixie, like Anne Hathaway in "Les Mis".
You got a great face for it.
Really? 'Cause my mom says my face is too narrow and my ears are too big for short hair.
Wow, your mom sounds No offense But not great.
Yeah.
She's a bitch.
Well, mine's at a weightlifting competition with her boyfriend right now.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
You really kicked Roger's ass.
- It was a draw.
- You broke his hand, dude.
Technically, it was the keg that broke it, but it was still hot.
[Drill whirs.]
Oh, Reed, Reed! Give me that! Oh, go away, honey.
[Sighs.]
Sorry.
Oh, please.
Reprimand my kids.
In fact, you can spank them.
Anyone can spank my kids! - Mack still pissed? - I don't know.
Probably.
I couldn't help it.
Roger just he just You ever thought about telling Mack how you feel? I don't know what you're talking about, Sheila.
Oh.
Wow.
These are what's that? Like a bonsai tree in there? I'm sorry about last night.
I was out of hand.
Good news is it's not broken.
Slight sprain.
Well, that's a relief.
Yeah, so in the spirit of Valentine's day in July, I thought maybe I could take you to your stupid, awful, fake Valentine's fair tonight.
Hmm.
See you at 6:00.
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh I'm still learning how to untie love and I've pulled apart most everyone but teeth and claws and all unwanted dreams - Ooh! - Ooh! [Clang.]
Oh, yes! Here we have a winner! Aw.
Here you go, slugger.
- Nice.
- Everybody can have a dog! I don't mind the way I'll forget about you in time [Overlapping chatter.]
Dude, you can't send her that.
Shh, keep your voice down.
"I thought my life was about getting to the next day.
Turns out it was about getting to this day.
" Are you nuts? You'll totally freak her out.
"There's beauty in you that nothing can hide.
I see you.
" [Singsong.]
Stalker.
Okay, okay, I get it.
Dude, that was close.
Next time, come to me.
Always come to me first.
Okay.
Yeah, and his mom walked in.
[Indistinct chatter.]
He did not.
I don't know which to believe [Girls gossiping and giggling.]
Ooh oh, and they come unstuck Whoa! Lady, running down to the riptide taken away to the dark side I wanna be your left-hand man I love you when you're singing that song Hey, no pushing.
Robbie.
What? Whoa.
I don't think you're a hick-snob.
I don't really think you're a suburban brat.
Uh, no shoes in the bouncy house.
About that guy, Miguel, I No, it's okay.
I was a jerk.
And, to be honest, I thought he was kind of into you.
That's why I overreacted.
Thanks.
Hey, no biting in the bouncy house.
Look, since we're being honest, I'm kind of feeling a little lost right now, and Hearing Miguel talk about Belize and India just got me curious.
You know, like, what would it be like just to be someone else, just for a little while.
But the you you are now is awesome.
Whoa! I got you.
Chutesies! Ohh! I just wanna love, I just wanna know [Aaradhna's back of my mind.]
Stays in the back of my mind ah ooh ooh lately I've been thinking oh, this is great.
Now we can find out if you actually have a heart in there.
[Chuckles.]
'Bout all them girls now you mess with them [clears throat.]
[Heart beating steadily.]
Know I forgave you, but I can't forget Mm.
Well? Do I, doctor? Yeah.
Let me hear yours.
In the back of my, my, my, mind back of my mind [heart beating rapidly.]
Mm.
Holy crap, are you about to have a heart attack? 'Cause that thing is, like, beating really fast.
It amounts to all the teardrops Should we Get out of here.
Oh, yes, it does, and it hurts I don't understand why it's so high.
I've been gluten-free for a year.
Let's be honest.
You get drunk and binge on cookies.
[Overlapping chatter.]
Marina.
For me? - Yeah.
- [Giggles.]
"Happy Valentine's day.
" Thanks.
And thanks so much for helping me tear those pictures down.
You know, I was so crazed, I didn't get a chance to tell you that.
You're such a great guy.
Marina, I didn't I didn't do it because I'm a great guy.
I did it Because Good evening.
Happy v-day in July, man.
I wrote this one for you, Marina.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[Crowd chattering.]
- Please.
- Yeah.
Mm, mm, mm mm, mm [crowd chattering.]
I thought my life was about getting to the next day turns out it was about getting to this day to stand beside you neath the late day sky to hear your voice your laugh, your sigh 'cause there's a beauty in you that nothing can hide I see you, I see you you're my kaleidoscope of kinks and quirks I see you I see you the first one to say, "I'll try" I'm so glad I didn't die Hey.
Why aren't you at the fair? I was looking for you.
So you could tease me about my coitus interruptus? I don't think that's what it's called when your mom catches you masturbating to a swimsuit catalog.
Whatever.
My self-interruptus.
[Chuckles.]
Stop it.
I came to say go get your special tie and come to the fair with me.
I'll even do the "Once" duet with you.
Take this sinking boat and point it home both: we've still got time raise your hopeful voice you have a choice you'll make it now [cheers and applause.]
[Gentle music.]
Thank you.
Thanks a lot, guys.
Have a good night, okay? - That was amazing.
- Thanks.
Yeah, there's still some stuff to work out in the bridge.
I don't know about that c-chord, but whatever.
No one has said anything like that to me.
Ever.
It's all true, Marina.
[Both panting.]
Oh, God.
[Gasps.]
I just came to get my tie.
[Thud.]
Ah! So I puss out on the poem I write for Marina, Greg steals it, makes it into a song for her.
Harsh.
You're up.
So So what do I do now? Do I Do I fight for Marina, or should I let her go? I don't know.
You got me.
Wow, that's a good shot.
Do it again.
- You have a gift.
- No.
Shut up.
You're really good.
- It was a fluke.
- No, no more.
I thought this stupid holiday was over.
Happy v-day.
Wait, Roger, just I want to finish what we started.
Who did you vote for in the last election? Not my country, not my president.
But I do hunt quail with Cheney every fall.
Did you commission that painting of yourself on a horse, or was that a gift? If you're referring to that original Thomas Kinkade of me Astride Falcore, no, that was handsomely paid for.
What's your stance on global warming? Oh, we screwed the ozone.
But it's not my generation's problem.
And I refuse to cut my carbon footprint.
Have you ever paid for sex? - Eh.
- Ohh.
I think we should put a pin in it.
Because of the picture of me and Falcore? Yeah.
[Groans.]
I thought you wanted to put a pin in it.
I do.
Then what was that for? Thanks for surprising me.
[Laughter and whooping.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
"Fine, I'll be nice to your stupid friend"? Really, that's your idea of a romantic apology? Can we get back together? Sure.
I don't want to talk about it or think about it, ever.
Okay.
At least we know there's gonna be many challenges ahead now that you're almost 16, and I'm single.
Yeah.
Actually, it's kind of a relief.
I was worried you'd end up this sad, old cat lady.
Thanks, Buzz.
It's nice to know you're not alone.
Now I just need a lobotomy.
[Chip crunches.]
How about a lock? Happy Valentine's day, Buzz.
What's this one for? That's for you to give to me.
Happy Valentine's day, mom.
Thanks, Buzz.
[Tapping locks.]
[Piano ballad.]
All the pictures spinning in my head one by one, you let them fall I try my best to catch them all I'm seeing stars - Hey.
- Hey.
I thought maybe after the bar the other night, you decided not to run into me anymore.
- Why would I do that? - I don't know.
I feel like all I did was talk about myself.
I shouldn't drink so much.
You were great.
I'm seeing stars [Splash.]
I haven't seen you since our vodka heist.
Yeah, thanks for that.
Wasn't my vodka, but you're welcome.
Not for the vodka, for the advice.
Now I'm back in the water and peeing in a cup twice a week.
Ah, all the sacrifices we must make for our craft.
[Chuckles.]
What's the grin for? Now I know where to find you.
head up love Fyo! Fyodor! Come back here! What'd you give him, a real arrow? No, I don't know where he got that.
Fyo! Valentine's day in July.
This is so lame.
Hmm.
But I like the butt-shaped pancakes.
Generally speaking, I'm not a fan of these consumer holidays, but I do like it when buzz breaks out his little frog tie with the hearts on it and sings the entire "once" musical and cries.
- No.
- I stand by it.
"Once" is a very emotional musical.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Nice bracelets.
Did you guys weave them from strands of each ether's hair or Yeah, kip.
That's exactly what we did.
I don't know.
I kind of like it.
My manager's girlfriend brought them back from tulum.
- Anyone want juice? - Yeah, sure.
Yeah, he doesn't really have a manager.
I think he does.
His band is kind of taking off.
And just because he annoys you doesn't mean he's not talented.
I've heard him play.
Below average, c-minus at best.
- He's all swagger and confidence.
- Which is attractive.
Yeah, until you realize he comes with a peace sign on his ankle.
Oh, so you're against peace? No, I'm just against peace sign tattoos.
Maybe it's ironic.
Ah, that doesn't really make any sense.
There's no way to spin this, and you lose.
Hmm.
You might want to lay off the bacon.
[Whispers.]
Bottom-heavy.
- Hey, leave her alone.
- No one was talking to you, emo boy.
Oh, okay.
And happy Valentine's day to you too, Chloe.
Keep eyes on the swimsuit catalog.
No Internet, this place is a porn desert.
I love it.
Thanks.
Why did I do Valentine's this year? - I may as well waterboard myself.
- 'Cause your mom loved it.
It's for a good cause, and it gets the kids out of the cabin, so I can smoke.
Look at them all.
They're so excited about love and romance.
If only they knew how it ends.
It doesn't have to end badly.
You just had a crappy husband.
But now that you're single, you get to experience passion and sex again.
- God, I am so horny.
- You have a husband.
I don't want to have sex with Dave.
I already know what that is.
I want to be surprised.
Men in their 40s do not surprise you.
I know what's ahead of me: damaged goods, workaholics, emotional cripples.
I'm gonna kill myself.
Have you ever thought of taking something for that? The only love I believe in now is the love between mother and son.
In fact, I'm gonna get buzz one of those Valentine-grams.
How very Norma Bates of you.
- Yeah.
- You gotta get up there.
Announce, yeah.
Okay, and now the moment you've all been waiting for.
Wondering if you're the winner of the annual raffle? Well, the wait is over.
And the winner of the 50 shades of Little Otter tour with Mack and Steve Oh, it's probably just you, Mack.
Just keep cranking.
[Drum roll.]
And the winner is Roger Shepard? [Cheers and applause.]
As in Ridgefield Roger? 50 shades of Little Otter just got 50 shades more interesting.
[Miracle Mile by Cold War Kids.]
Roger? Roger? [Pool balls clacking.]
You bought a raffle ticket to the 50 shades of Little Otter tour with Mack and Steve.
Actually, I bought 50, one for each shade.
Did I win? Yes, you won.
That tour is for old people.
If you're doing this because you think I'll have sex with you, don't bother showing up.
Oh, please.
I don't need to spend 50 bucks to bone.
Can you just not say that word? - It's creepy.
- Fine.
Look.
Truth is, the cause is near and dear.
My mom had a weak ticker.
Oh, so you don't actually want to do the tour? Yeah, I want to do the tour.
It'll give me a good lay of the land, so I know what I'm getting when you go belly-up and I have to buy your crappy camp.
I'll see you at 11:00.
Am I to assume the tour is clothing-optional? Ugh.
[door slams.]
[Creaking.]
I got your note.
What do you What do you want? Shh.
Don't speak.
Am I the first girl you've ever kissed? No, I got a lot of play in the cancer ward.
Really? No, we were sleeping and throwing up.
Chemo isn't exactly an aphrodisiac.
You're so dark, but I like it.
Were you scared of dying? Yeah.
Most of the time, though sometimes, I got so sick, I didn't really care anymore.
One time, I held my breath for, like, 200 seconds.
Or at least I think it was 200 seconds 'cause I passed out and saw all these little lights.
Yeah.
I've seen those little lights.
How'd you know you were sick again the last time you relapsed? Well, I thought I had the flu, and then I puked blood.
Wow.
- No one can know about us.
- Why? Zoe is going through a lot with this whole Greg thing.
We took a blood oath we could only have a boyfriend at the same time.
Plus, everything is so much more romantic when it's forbidden.
Yeah, I have I have cancer.
I'm not a vampire.
Maybe you're just embarrassed to be seen with me.
Would that be a problem? No.
[Ball and Biscuit by The White Stripes.]
Hey, Cole.
Hey, Mack.
Heard about Roger.
If you need a hand, I can do the tour with you.
Oh, I can handle Roger.
Oh, I know you can handle Roger.
What? What's that supposed to mean? What's that look for? What look? It's just my face, Mack.
- Mom! - Oh, God! Oh, g [Thud.]
1x04 Valentine's Day in July ah, hey, hey Okay, okay, everyone.
Listen up.
C.
P.
R.
demo in honor of Valentine's week.
Clearly, she's unresponsive and not breathing.
So first, we call 911.
Then, heel of the palm, interlace fingers, and start chest compressions.
[Laughter and cheering.]
Someone's gotta tell Mack no one takes it seriously.
I take it very seriously.
You are seriously hot right now.
After 30 compressions, two breaths.
Tilt the head back, pinch the nose, and [All cheering.]
- Oh, yeah.
- All right, okay! Keep the chest compressions going.
- What are you doing later? - You.
Then off campus, bar.
Sounds like a plan.
- And she's alive.
- Yay.
Hey, uh, Marina, why don't you start us off? Pick your victim.
Greg.
Slut.
You'd be a slut too, but nobody likes you.
My cousin has a friend on Facebook who went to school with her.
Time to see what she knows.
We begin our tour here with a sound.
[Bird chirps.]
Hear that lovely whistle? You want to take a gander as to what kind of bird that is? Is it the feathered I-don't-give-a-crappity? [Rattling.]
Oh, hey, Cole.
What you doing up here? Just gonna clear out this tree.
- Thanks.
- Don't mind me.
It's a lovebird right here in our basswood tree.
[Grunts.]
I boned in a redwood once.
It's pretty hot.
Are you really gonna do this all day? I'm sorry, it's just too easy to get a rise out of you.
- I'll stop.
- Thank you.
Now we will take a gentle stroll around the lake.
Replace the word "stroll" with "bone," and you got yourself a gentle bone around the lake.
All right, that's it.
Last time, promise.
Hmm.
Dude, I am so messed up.
Yeah, I heard your mom walked in on you.
[Laughs.]
I'm sorry.
You heard? I'm not laughing.
This is the worst thing that's happened to anyone, ever.
My best friend got his arm bit off by a shark.
This is worse.
Happy v-day.
- Thanks, Fyo.
- What? You're not even gonna look at them? - I'm not feeling it this year.
- But you're Cole.
And that's just wrong and selfish and not fair.
- And can I read them? - Knock yourself out.
[Gasps.]
These are incredible.
This one even has a picture.
You know, this would have been perfect three days ago, before my mother walked in on me and stole the only remaining pleasure I had in life.
Now I may as well be looking at a picture of a toaster.
[Sighs.]
We end our tour here in this mystical spot, where, Lore has it, the great chippewa chief Little Otter brought his wife Lily Black Bird.
The spirit of their love is said to inhabit the area.
It's been the site of over 200 weddings and the conception of one child.
Want to make it two? - Or we could call it a day.
- Come on.
Where's your Valentine's day in July spirit? Oh, I don't know, Roger.
Maybe you killed it with your "bone" jokes, or maybe it died this morning when I walked in on my son masturbating.
Or, oh, most likely it was murdered when I remembered that today is the day that Steve proposed to me, oh, so many years ago.
Okay, firstly, walking in on your son wanking Hysterical.
No, it isn't.
Okay, maybe it's a little funny.
And, second, I knew Steve was lame, but he proposed to you on your mom's stupid fake holiday? Yes.
I hope he had a really good ring.
It was a blade of grass.
I still have it.
[Laughs.]
You know what the saddest part is? That you still have it? At the time, I thought it was the most romantic thing in the whole world.
Now I know it was just plain lazy.
Oh, well, that part of my life is gone forever.
You can't possibly want another weed around your finger.
No, no.
What I'm trying to say is when we're young, we lived to be shaken to our core by love.
Then we get older, and we know that's never gonna happen again.
- And, well, it's just sad.
- Oh, it'll happen.
- And how do you know? - 'Cause I've been married twice.
It happens, and it's even better.
Can I give you some advice as a double-divorce? - Do I have a choice? - My second marriage I put the kibosh on Valentine's day altogether.
And birthdays.
Well, except my birthday.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you, Roger.
That was strangely sweet.
You're sweet, Mack.
- I gotta go.
- Yeah.
[Dramatic music.]
Oh, my God.
Marina! No, no.
Don't look! Don't look! Don't look at it! Okay, I'm not.
- I'm not, I'm not.
- Oh, my God.
We're gonna get these down, okay? It's gonna be okay.
I can't believe this is happening.
No one's gonna judge you for this, Marina, okay? Everyone knows how cool you are.
No one knows anything except that I'm a stupid freaking stupid idiot.
So say it! That is not true.
Come here.
Okay, I think we got them all.
Maybe no one saw.
[Indistinct chatter.]
[Laughter.]
I hate it here.
I wanna come home.
Now.
We're in Atlantic City.
Well, and Rick's Powerlifting.
We can come get you Thursday if he doesn't make it to the finals.
[Hangs up phone.]
You okay? Fine.
- You want to talk about it? - No.
You want to tell me who's responsible? No.
Listen, hon, you made a mistake.
But this isn't who you are.
Don't let it be.
And if anybody gives you a hard time, you come and talk to me, okay? God.
Davey fell asleep on a piece of tinfoil.
Ow.
Marina okay? - How about you? - It's been a strange day.
Shoot some pool later? So did he try anything on you? Besides using the word "bone" about a hundred times, he was pretty well-behaved.
I mean, for Roger.
Sounds like you guys had a pretty good time.
What? What's that look for? I told you, Mack, it's just my face.
Don't be paranoid.
I'm so disappointed.
I was really hoping for something I could take back to the bedroom.
What about you, Cole? You have a hot, not-Valentine's date this year? Nope.
I'm sensing and you know I'm a little psychic Maybe there's more to you and Roger.
It's Roger.
So? He's gorgeous.
He's got that accent, and he's loaded.
And he's obnoxious, and he wears pink shirts, and he brings in deer to shoot.
Well, we have nothing in common.
Well, Dave and I have tons of stuff in common, and I can barely stand the sight of him.
- You said the sex was good.
- Oh, stop.
Look, I used to be a sucker for the guy who sold the raffle tickets, "Dave in Nonprofit.
" Now I'd take the guy who buys them any day.
- And Roger bought like 50.
- You're up, Mack.
I got next.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting something? - No.
- Yeah, act Means you're gonna be playing me and Todd.
You sure you want to do that? I'm sitting this one out.
You two have fun with your sticks.
I know my way around a pool table.
Besides, you're too young to be good at, well, anything.
Old enough to go all night, that's all you need to know.
Very funny.
That's not what I heard.
Maybe you should turn up your hearing aid, grandpa.
Look, I understand why you're a little hostile.
Kid with all that talent, drafted out of high school, washes out of the minor leagues.
Just didn't want it badly enough.
It's a little more complicated than that.
I heard about what happened with the nude pic.
I'm so sorry.
That blows.
You better watch your back.
Stop playing like a girl.
You're playing like my grandma.
Yes, yes, yes! Oh! I hate you! Hey, isn't that that writer that you like? "The heart book"? "Heart on a stick"? What's it called? "The heart is an arsenal".
Yeah.
That one.
Uh, wow, I don't know.
Maybe.
Again? Let's buy him a drink.
No, no.
- No, it'll be fun.
Why not? - Don't, don't.
Hey.
Hey.
It's Miguel, right? - Robbie.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, can I introduce you to someone? Thanks.
Hey, it is him.
Miguel Santos, this is my girlfriend, Sarah Brennen.
She loves your book, man.
Hi, it's really nice to meet you, Miguel.
Nice to meet you too, Sarah.
- Hi.
- Public! Yeah, I'll be real quick.
I can deal with you treating me like crap, but I draw the line when you attack my friend.
Marina? It wasn't me, it was Zoe.
Well, Zoe, Chloe Right now I can't really tell the two of you apart.
We're done.
Oh, no.
Another devastating miss by the youngster.
But then again, that's his story, isn't it? You don't know anything about me.
Please, enlighten me.
I don't talk about baseball with Australians.
Hey, Mack.
Ever hear the legend of Dave Coleman? - What legend? - No, no Whatever.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Hold that.
Hey, I understand.
I mean, who'd want to tell the story of how they went from being the 19th pick in the first round to a janitor at a third-rate family camp? Why don't we go outside? I'll tell you all about it.
Oh, I'll take it outside.
You want to take it outside? Yeah, I want to take it outside.
- It was my idea, remember? - All right, then.
Let's go outside.
Let's go outside then.
I was born outside.
Going outside! [Cue stick clatters.]
Who wants to see me kick Roger's ass? The only ass getting kicked is yours, my friend.
Anyway, after Belize, I spent a month wandering around Mumbai for research.
Talk about an exercise in existentialism.
You just feel life pulsing through you because you could die at any moment.
Sorry, I think there's gonna be a fight.
Gotta go.
We met at camp when we were ten.
Are you apologizing? No.
No.
No, oh, my God.
No.
'Cause he seems like a great guy.
He is a great guy.
I don't know why I pretended I didn't know you.
That was totally weird.
I wasn't offended.
[Rock music.]
[Crowd outside shouting.]
Uh, better make sure no one ends up in the hospital.
[Rock music.]
Come on, Roger! Come on! Wow.
What's going on? - Man-fight! Take those shirts off! I retract my psychic vision about you and Roger.
Let's see what you got, old man.
- Oh, I'll show you what I got.
- Bring it on.
You ready? Here it comes.
I got a knockin' in my knees and a wobble in my walk, yeah Whoa! Aah! [All gasp.]
Uhh! Come on, Roger.
Is that all you got? Stop! Roger, stop.
Stop it! Stop it! [Crowd groans.]
Agh! Ah, damn it! Ooh.
Oh, man.
That does look painful, Roger.
Cole, what are you, eight? I am trying to run a family camp.
You're supposed to set an example.
- I'm sorry, Roger just - I don't want to hear it.
The two of you are acting like idiots.
It's It's broken.
[Screams.]
[Breathing heavily.]
[Imitating miguel.]
These cheerios Talk about an exercise in existentialism.
Who are they? Who am I? Excuse me, I would like another single malt, "por favor".
I am so parched from talking about myself so much.
You haven't even read his book.
Yeah, well, now I really don't want to.
"When Hollywood calls, leave your integrity at the doorstep.
" Yeah, thanks for that, Miguel.
That's great advice.
I'll be sure to pass that on to the kids in Toddler Town as soon as possible.
- Douche.
- Okay, seriously, enough.
You sound like a total hick-snob.
[Laughs.]
A "hick-snob"? Yeah.
You think anyone who can't talk fantasy football and beers on tap is stupid.
You're gonna hate Stanford.
Okay, we just went from making fun of people, like we do most mornings, to you calling me a hick-snob.
I just think you're being really small-town.
I thought Miguel was interesting.
"Small-town"? That's rich, coming from an over-privileged suburban brat.
[Puts glass on table.]
Hey, how's the shame hoodie working for you? It isn't.
You can't let them slut-shame you.
Everybody has boobs.
We all have boobs, people! I will take to the streets in solidarity with you.
Thanks, Grace, but I just want it to go away.
It will.
People are gonna forget all about it.
You think? No, not your thing.
That's forever.
So what happened? I sent a guy a picture of my boobs, and he sent it to the whole school.
You know, I actually thought he cared about me.
So dumb.
Pretty much ruined my year.
- Well, that guy's a dick.
- Mm.
And he's dumb.
Wow, you're joining the pariah table.
I don't judge.
You shouldn't let those girls get to you.
They're stupid and jealous.
You have a beautiful body, Marina.
Can we not talk about my body? I just want people to see me for once, not my stupid mistakes.
I see you.
I see you too.
Hey, Zoe.
Nice haircut.
Food fight! [Screams.]
Lunchtime is just not fair hot dog mustard in your hair sucks for the janitor fight on [grunting.]
Sucks for the janitor, fight on So, what, are we kicked out of camp? No.
There are 33 bins on campus.
You might want to pick up the pace.
- This is so lame.
- Don't worry.
You'll be broken long before you finish.
- Oh, gross.
- Ugh, gross.
Do you think I'm an over-privileged suburban brat? - Hmm? - That's what Robbie called me.
We bumped into this writer, Miguel Santos, who's staying at Ridgefield.
Robbie thought he was a douche, and I thought he was totally interesting, and now we're in a big fight.
What does this writer look like? What does that have to do with anything? Robbie just wants to put me in a box.
What kind of box? Yeah.
Now I know what kind of box you're talking about.
And I can definitely see why Robbie does not like him.
- Why? - He's a triple threat.
He's gorgeous, critically acclaimed novelist, and you're totally taken with him.
[Sighs.]
I'm so confused.
Robbie is the most beautiful person I've ever met, and I love him, I do.
But I met him when I was ten years old.
Okay, and here's this writer who's been out living Really living, and he knows things.
And he's giving me all this attention.
And I'm sure he just does it to everyone.
Do you think he does it to everyone or just me? I'm assuming you haven't told Robbie the part about the attention and how it feels? No.
No, worse.
I lied.
I pretended I didn't even know Miguel when we bumped into him at the bar.
Okay.
Now Robbie is going to Stanford in September, and I can just see the rest of my life laid out before me.
It's me and Robbie.
He's a lawyer.
We have a couple of kids.
I teach swimming at the "Y.
" And I guess what I'm asking is is it better to regret the things you did or the things you didn't? I can't answer that.
Sarah, Robbie deserves your honesty.
Yeah.
That's plastic, you idiot.
[Grunts.]
Ohh! Aah! I wasn't actually gonna hurt you.
[Crying.]
Are you okay? Should I get Mack? [Sobs.]
My mom is going to kill me.
But why? You didn't cut your hair.
My pageant life is over this season.
That's what my mom lives for.
Can't you just do the pageants with short hair? No! I'm nothing now.
You know, once you even it out, I think it'll look really cute.
You could even go super pixie, like Anne Hathaway in "Les Mis".
You got a great face for it.
Really? 'Cause my mom says my face is too narrow and my ears are too big for short hair.
Wow, your mom sounds No offense But not great.
Yeah.
She's a bitch.
Well, mine's at a weightlifting competition with her boyfriend right now.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
You really kicked Roger's ass.
- It was a draw.
- You broke his hand, dude.
Technically, it was the keg that broke it, but it was still hot.
[Drill whirs.]
Oh, Reed, Reed! Give me that! Oh, go away, honey.
[Sighs.]
Sorry.
Oh, please.
Reprimand my kids.
In fact, you can spank them.
Anyone can spank my kids! - Mack still pissed? - I don't know.
Probably.
I couldn't help it.
Roger just he just You ever thought about telling Mack how you feel? I don't know what you're talking about, Sheila.
Oh.
Wow.
These are what's that? Like a bonsai tree in there? I'm sorry about last night.
I was out of hand.
Good news is it's not broken.
Slight sprain.
Well, that's a relief.
Yeah, so in the spirit of Valentine's day in July, I thought maybe I could take you to your stupid, awful, fake Valentine's fair tonight.
Hmm.
See you at 6:00.
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh I'm still learning how to untie love and I've pulled apart most everyone but teeth and claws and all unwanted dreams - Ooh! - Ooh! [Clang.]
Oh, yes! Here we have a winner! Aw.
Here you go, slugger.
- Nice.
- Everybody can have a dog! I don't mind the way I'll forget about you in time [Overlapping chatter.]
Dude, you can't send her that.
Shh, keep your voice down.
"I thought my life was about getting to the next day.
Turns out it was about getting to this day.
" Are you nuts? You'll totally freak her out.
"There's beauty in you that nothing can hide.
I see you.
" [Singsong.]
Stalker.
Okay, okay, I get it.
Dude, that was close.
Next time, come to me.
Always come to me first.
Okay.
Yeah, and his mom walked in.
[Indistinct chatter.]
He did not.
I don't know which to believe [Girls gossiping and giggling.]
Ooh oh, and they come unstuck Whoa! Lady, running down to the riptide taken away to the dark side I wanna be your left-hand man I love you when you're singing that song Hey, no pushing.
Robbie.
What? Whoa.
I don't think you're a hick-snob.
I don't really think you're a suburban brat.
Uh, no shoes in the bouncy house.
About that guy, Miguel, I No, it's okay.
I was a jerk.
And, to be honest, I thought he was kind of into you.
That's why I overreacted.
Thanks.
Hey, no biting in the bouncy house.
Look, since we're being honest, I'm kind of feeling a little lost right now, and Hearing Miguel talk about Belize and India just got me curious.
You know, like, what would it be like just to be someone else, just for a little while.
But the you you are now is awesome.
Whoa! I got you.
Chutesies! Ohh! I just wanna love, I just wanna know [Aaradhna's back of my mind.]
Stays in the back of my mind ah ooh ooh lately I've been thinking oh, this is great.
Now we can find out if you actually have a heart in there.
[Chuckles.]
'Bout all them girls now you mess with them [clears throat.]
[Heart beating steadily.]
Know I forgave you, but I can't forget Mm.
Well? Do I, doctor? Yeah.
Let me hear yours.
In the back of my, my, my, mind back of my mind [heart beating rapidly.]
Mm.
Holy crap, are you about to have a heart attack? 'Cause that thing is, like, beating really fast.
It amounts to all the teardrops Should we Get out of here.
Oh, yes, it does, and it hurts I don't understand why it's so high.
I've been gluten-free for a year.
Let's be honest.
You get drunk and binge on cookies.
[Overlapping chatter.]
Marina.
For me? - Yeah.
- [Giggles.]
"Happy Valentine's day.
" Thanks.
And thanks so much for helping me tear those pictures down.
You know, I was so crazed, I didn't get a chance to tell you that.
You're such a great guy.
Marina, I didn't I didn't do it because I'm a great guy.
I did it Because Good evening.
Happy v-day in July, man.
I wrote this one for you, Marina.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[Crowd chattering.]
- Please.
- Yeah.
Mm, mm, mm mm, mm [crowd chattering.]
I thought my life was about getting to the next day turns out it was about getting to this day to stand beside you neath the late day sky to hear your voice your laugh, your sigh 'cause there's a beauty in you that nothing can hide I see you, I see you you're my kaleidoscope of kinks and quirks I see you I see you the first one to say, "I'll try" I'm so glad I didn't die Hey.
Why aren't you at the fair? I was looking for you.
So you could tease me about my coitus interruptus? I don't think that's what it's called when your mom catches you masturbating to a swimsuit catalog.
Whatever.
My self-interruptus.
[Chuckles.]
Stop it.
I came to say go get your special tie and come to the fair with me.
I'll even do the "Once" duet with you.
Take this sinking boat and point it home both: we've still got time raise your hopeful voice you have a choice you'll make it now [cheers and applause.]
[Gentle music.]
Thank you.
Thanks a lot, guys.
Have a good night, okay? - That was amazing.
- Thanks.
Yeah, there's still some stuff to work out in the bridge.
I don't know about that c-chord, but whatever.
No one has said anything like that to me.
Ever.
It's all true, Marina.
[Both panting.]
Oh, God.
[Gasps.]
I just came to get my tie.
[Thud.]
Ah! So I puss out on the poem I write for Marina, Greg steals it, makes it into a song for her.
Harsh.
You're up.
So So what do I do now? Do I Do I fight for Marina, or should I let her go? I don't know.
You got me.
Wow, that's a good shot.
Do it again.
- You have a gift.
- No.
Shut up.
You're really good.
- It was a fluke.
- No, no more.
I thought this stupid holiday was over.
Happy v-day.
Wait, Roger, just I want to finish what we started.
Who did you vote for in the last election? Not my country, not my president.
But I do hunt quail with Cheney every fall.
Did you commission that painting of yourself on a horse, or was that a gift? If you're referring to that original Thomas Kinkade of me Astride Falcore, no, that was handsomely paid for.
What's your stance on global warming? Oh, we screwed the ozone.
But it's not my generation's problem.
And I refuse to cut my carbon footprint.
Have you ever paid for sex? - Eh.
- Ohh.
I think we should put a pin in it.
Because of the picture of me and Falcore? Yeah.
[Groans.]
I thought you wanted to put a pin in it.
I do.
Then what was that for? Thanks for surprising me.
[Laughter and whooping.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
"Fine, I'll be nice to your stupid friend"? Really, that's your idea of a romantic apology? Can we get back together? Sure.
I don't want to talk about it or think about it, ever.
Okay.
At least we know there's gonna be many challenges ahead now that you're almost 16, and I'm single.
Yeah.
Actually, it's kind of a relief.
I was worried you'd end up this sad, old cat lady.
Thanks, Buzz.
It's nice to know you're not alone.
Now I just need a lobotomy.
[Chip crunches.]
How about a lock? Happy Valentine's day, Buzz.
What's this one for? That's for you to give to me.
Happy Valentine's day, mom.
Thanks, Buzz.
[Tapping locks.]
[Piano ballad.]
All the pictures spinning in my head one by one, you let them fall I try my best to catch them all I'm seeing stars - Hey.
- Hey.
I thought maybe after the bar the other night, you decided not to run into me anymore.
- Why would I do that? - I don't know.
I feel like all I did was talk about myself.
I shouldn't drink so much.
You were great.
I'm seeing stars [Splash.]