Carpoolers (2007) s01e02 Episode Script

Wow.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I share my ice creams? Yeah, what do you think it is? Nice hair on my jeans.
That's dirty.
- It is dirty.
That's not right.
Well, fine.
You will lighten us.
I swear on my beans.
It' a celtic thing.
You know, enough.
I will have settled this.
Roadside assistance.
Is this an emergency? Yeah, sort of Where are you? At the beginning of the chorus, it's this line from Come on Eileene Come on Eileen I swear well he means.
Ohhhh See.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- Welcome.
We live in a great age.
CARPOOLERS - Episode 2 Laird of the Rings Hey, listen, you know what? Wash that old meal off, or put it in a bowl and give it to your brother.
Okay, you know what? Very funny, but someone's gonna need that shoe.
And hey, underpants go on first, that's why we call them under.
Here's you lunch, honey.
Bye, mom.
- Bye, mom.
I love you.
Remember, every bite you take, I am in that bite.
That, is why I love chewing.
What about your coffe? Is she in that too? In every sweet sip, so back off.
Let's wink at the same time.
Big drama at the house I'm flipping, it turns out, tree roots craked open the pool, and the family have rats moved in.
Have fun with that.
Hey, what' up? Hey, Laird.
Hey! Hey.
I have that t-shirt.
Me too.
I know.
You wearing it.
This isn't mine, but I have several more just like it.
Listen, I got to tell you, that Marmaduke sometimes is a little different.
Look, he is awkward, he is awkward around you, you-you be you're his hero.
Why would be Laird be his hero? Because he is a ragged, lone wolf, who ladies love and refuses to bath with a man.
Thank you.
He is a divorced suburban dentist.
Hey, Mr.
Buzzkill.
Actually, Aubrey's right, exept for the ladies part.
I've been in bit of a slump lately.
Haven't heard a life? sitting the floor in over two weeks Two weeks? I haven't seen my wife naked in two years.
And what about sex? When you been married as long as I have seeing your wife naked is having sex.
You gonna make it? CARPOOLERS ONLY Yikes.
I forgot something in the car.
and it's something I may need.
Oh, I forgot my lunch.
Cindy's in every bite.
Aubrey, wait up.
What do you doing? Okay.
Marmaduke came home with a chemistry set, it's got me a little nervous.
Who is that? Girl, I know from a gym.
I've been trying to get a date with her.
Quick.
Give me your ring.
My-my wedding ring? No, your nipple ring.
Yes, your wedding ring.
I've overheard her talking to a friend how she is in to married guys.
Come on, give me your ring.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
Why married guys? I don't know.
It' dangerous.
It's naugthy.
Don't judge, just hurry, hurry.
Ahh, promise, you gonna give it right back.
Yes, of course I will.
- You will? Watch this.
Hey, ya, Holly, from my spin class, right? Right, right.
Hey.
Uhhh Doktor Laird.
Hey, gosh, I didn't know you were married.
Oh, you didn't? Oh.
Thats weird, because I totally am.
Unlike my sad single friend over there.
Nice.
Any kids? Yes.
Four.
Haha.
Hey, tell her their names.
Yeah, let's see, there's, um Emma.
Dasher.
Luciano and Colgate.
So sweet.
Colgate? Like the toothpaste, right? Are you still here? Yes I am.
Cause I need my Yes, of course, your pep talk.
You are special and today you are gonna meet somebody, today is the day, now go.
Can I walk you somewhere? Sure.
I'm alright.
I'm okay.
Happens all time.
My fault.
You know I get hit by cars a lot.
See? Happens all the time.
I'm fine.
I'll just gonna get my brief Sorry.
What the dickens? He told me, he'd rather have sex with a cather's mitt.
No, what I sad was, I rather have sex with a mailbox.
Now on top of being a very hurtfull comment, I think that's a federal crime.
It's a married thing, yo.
You wouldn't understand.
No, yo, I'm-I'm-I'm married.
I'm just not-not wearing my ring today.
Oh, I get it.
You see women like me and crumbling marriages all day long and if you not wearing your ring, it makes it is easier to nail us.
No Sue, I'dont want to nail you.
That makes two of us.
Laird.
I'm in the middle of a session.
I won't disturb you then, I just wanted to grab something Yes.
Perfect.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Collector.
What possibly use could you have for a photograph of my son? It's Holly, she's asking lots of questions about my family.
So I needed some props.
Yeah, you know, this is a little crazy.
I need my ring back.
Wanna know what's crazy? A women, who will only date married man.
That's crazy.
I mean why can a nice guy like me, just meet a women without all the headgames, you know? Yes.
You were so right.
I'm gonna bring it back.
I'm gonna bring it back.
Wow, why you just use your old ring? My ex got it in the divorce settlement.
Wow, that's a really bad settlement.
Yeah, you're telling me.
Hey, so, Aubrey, how was your day today at work? Ah-ah good.
I men, you know, busy.
I stopped by the office today, but you weren't there.
Oh - Thank you.
I- I-I just remembered, I- I gave blood.
Oh, well, where's your "I gave blood"- sticker? I'm af-afraid of stickers.
But you not afraid of needels? I'm a complicated dude.
Yeah.
I'm beginning to see that.
Oh, ready, guys.
Wish me luck.
Laird, seriously Oh, come on.
Don't worry.
I'm seeing Holly tonight.
I bring your ring back right after.
What about Leila? You guys have been married for ever.
She's never gonna notice.
So you thought it was a quarter, and you put it in a wending machine? Yes.
Crazy enough to be true, right? I'm gonna call the soda company.
I'm on it.
I'm on it.
Why did you even take it off? I- I sometimes I like to let my finger breath.
Really? Yeah.
Suddenly I feel like it needs air.
And I th It-It's no biggie.
So I do, I do it all the time.
No biggie? No.
Oh, well, than maybe my finger could use some fresh air too.
Ahh look it how pretty my little naked hand is.
You You can't take your ring off.
Why not? Women love to wear their rings, right? Really? Says who? People.
Society.
The-the-the Black Diamonds Industries.
Hi, hello.
You seems somehow different to me.
Why aren't you wearing your rings? Oh, ah No, no reason.
This is a very big mistake for one of you.
Father, do I have to spell it out for you? No, I got it.
Thanks.
Here! Here? That's how you ask a man to marry you? I got it out of a pawn shop.
Okay? It's yours.
Happy, honey? Now give me mine.
I can't.
Holly already knows your ring.
In fact, she has licked it.
Licked it? Wow.
Hey, look, you don't get it.
You brought trouble into my house.
So, okay.
My wife thinks our marriage is suffocating me and my son thinks that we are divorcing.
He is a strange kid.
Here's the deal.
I miss my ring.
I just want my ring back.
I- I-I, look, I was gonna seal the deal with Halley last night, but the truht is I got sidetracked talking about my kids.
Like Luciano, he-he is 8 years old and already he is reading my medical journals.
And there is Dasher, he is so strong.
All the kids in his class make fun of him, because of his name.
What was, I think a gall.
You know what, since you made them up, you could probably change the name.
I don't know the rules on that.
Yeah, of course It' just once you start to thinking about them, it's like you got to know them.
Except for Emma she is a mistery, that one.
Silly me, I forgot something in the car.
Go ahead guys.
Alright, you know what? I'm silly too.
Got something in the car, that I may need.
Well, your will be reliefd to hear, you have no cavities since your last visit.
Ten days ago.
I will be honest with you, I'm not here about my teeth.
I was wondering, if there's something about my parents.
Oh, like what? Well, yesterday, they weren't wearing their wedding rings.
Wow, wow, wow.
Your mother's not wearing her ring? Oh, man.
That is just playing wrong.
Hey.
You have a picture of me.
Oh, yeah, you are like family.
Practically.
Like family? Practically.
One, two, three! Father, how can I be taller than you? And looking nothing alike? I don't know, why don't you ask your real dad? Real dad? Real dad? Suddenly it all makes sense.
Papito? What are you doing here? Aubrey I can not stand idely by, while you tear your family apart for some mistress.
Haudy, partner.
Oh, hey.
Ah, we are carpool buddies.
I bet you are.
Oh, no.
We are not like that.
We are Aubrey, what's going on here? You wanna know? Okay.
I do have a mistress.
You wanna meet her? Her name's Serenity.
There's nobody here.
I know.
Isn't it glorious? I don't understand.
My boss told me, to use my sickdays, or I loose them.
So I started to think about my family vacation.
And it made me cry.
So you'd rather be here, than with your family? Oh, yes.
What do you even do here? Take my shoes off.
I eat beer-nuts.
I turn down the sound of the TV, and up funny stuff for people to say.
But mostly, Doughy, I get "Me"- time.
Aubrey.
There's no "Me", when you get married.
The M turns upside down and it becomes We.
Yeah, and than we go to a new years party and baaam.
Kid number one.
And than there's a power outage and baaam.
Kid number two.
And than, hey, that show is rerun and baaam.
Kid number three.
Okay.
I get it.
I get it.
Oh, do you? I love my family more than anyone.
But let me ask you this, Doughy.
When was the last time you spent an hour alone in a room by yourself.
Actually, that would be last thursday, at work, client cancelled.
And what you do? Called my wife.
Goodbye, Doughy.
And while you and Cindy are sharing the same toothbrush, or hiking in the same pair of pants, you can think on me.
Making love to Serenity while my french ? rubs my back.
I will cut you, you son of a Compared to my house, sounds like the ocean.
Yeah, here's this thing, first this support beam came down, so my wall falls out and all the day along I had to hold the roof with my bare hands.
Really, that is so funny.
Yeah, a lot of funny stuff happens on deliveries.
Here's my card - Oh, thank you.
Let me know, if you need anything.
I will.
Anything at all.
Okay.
Who's that? Oh, Troy? He just dropped off some? for my new flip.
And he gave it to me for free.
Free? How'd you manage that? I haven't the faintest idea.
But you know, all the boys in town have been so friendly.
Hey boys! Hi, Leila! Maybe it's the new parfume.
On my naked little hand.
So he just sits in a motel room, all by himself? Yepp, and eats beer nuts.
Cause it "Me"- time.
Propably he thinks, all couples need it.
Oh, my gosh.
Do we need it? I don't know.
Should we try it? Okay.
I- I guess.
Okay, I will be in the other room.
Should we fight first? I don't think it's an angry thing.
Right.
Having my "Me"- time with the baby, is that allowed? You know, this is crazy.
I married you for a reason, because I love us.
I feel exactly the same way.
Oh, gosh I only Aubrey could feel the way we feel.
Maybe he can.
I'll go, grab my sweater.
Bro, go, get my sweater.
Oh, hey guys.
Hey, Aubrey.
We were talking and thought maybe you could use our help.
We thought, if we could teach you, how to have quality "We"- time you wouldn't even need, "Me"- time.
I hope this isn't crossing a line.
I have worried about you buddy.
No.
Not at all.
In fact, why don't you guys come in for a second? Come on.
Are this all your kids? Oh, yeah.
So many of them.
You know what guys Can we take a rain chek on the whole "We"- conversation? My wife is out and I have to go pick up 10 pizzas for the kids.
Do you mind watch them a little bit? Thanks.
What was that? Oh, hey guys, Doug and Cindy, the new babbysitters.
Wait, wait.
What are their needs? Oh, that's the least of your worries.
Doughie.
Oh my god, are you okay? Man down.
I have made some decisions about the living arrangements after you two break up.
Marmaduke, we are I didn't know Enough lies.
I choose to live with mother.
And perhaps some with with father.
If, that's even, your real name.
You may commence fighting over me now.
Go.
Marmaduke, nothing is going on.
Execpt, that someone in this house is too stubborn to admit, he lost his ring.
For the love of peas.
I will go over to Laird's right now and get it.
Why would your ring be at Laird's? Oh, thank god.
I chase pennys.
Am I too young for a hearthattack? Aubrey I apologise, I'm an ignorant man.
I understand now You're a saint.
Ain't sucks, guys.
It's just my life.
Anyway, I'm gonna go back out and get the kids some ice cream.
No! - No! No.
No.
No.
Ah, your single friends place really is depressing.
Well, I couldn't take you to my place, which is filled with joy and laughter.
I now he is divorced, but you'd think he could affort a couch Poor, lonely looser.
How could anyone live this way? Hey! He is doing the best he can.
Now, on to more important things.
Do you think your wife suspects? No, she trusts me.
But we're betraying that trust.
Oh, baby.
Yeah, I suppose that we are.
And what do you think, your kids would do if they found out? They would be very disappointed.
I mean, I was supposed to help my son, Dasher with his algebra homework.
Laird! Laird! Awkward, but hot, right? Oh, Leila is right behind me, she knows everything.
Your wife is here.
Get up.
Help me.
So, this is the ring-licker? Yes.
Guilty.
I can't believe, you handed over the symbol of our love and commitment just so Laird can get lucky.
You are not married? No, I am not married.
I lied about lying and pretended, we are cheating.
Why are all the good man single? But if I do get married, can I call you? So is this really your son, Dasher? Or was that just a lie too? Dasher? That's a stupid name.
My name is Marmaduke.
I knew this was too bad to be true.
Now, it's truth-time.
This man is clearly my father.
Okay, sweetie you know, I don't know what you do in your room.
but Laird is definitely not your father.
I have proof.
You see, Laird and I are both very athletic.
Pose with me, father.
We both have great heads of hair.
And we both He is 8 years older than you.
Your proof is better.
I retract my statement.
Real father, sorry about that.
I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
The more time I spent with Holley, the more my fake family became real.
We were even planning a ski trip.
Emily has never seen the snow.
You gonna have to break it to them, they don't exist.
I'll do it.
It's just making me mop, make realize how much I'd like to have one of my own, someday.
It doesn't fit.
Ah, because I had it sized.