Carters Get Rich (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Ever wonder what it would be like if your 11-year-old kid earned more in a week than you do in a year? Welcome to my world.
I'm Tony Carter and this is my house in Milton Keynes, the one with the yellow shed.
That's where my son Harry came up with Honc, an app to help him talk to girls.
That used to be my shed.
I miss my shed.
Anyway, I don't really get social networking.
If I did, I wouldn't drive a minibus for OAPs, but it seems to have gone massive.
Harry still can't talk to girls, though.
Now some big tech company wants to pay millions for it.
But will it change us? Nah.
He's still working out there.
That's every day this week and all last weekend.
Mmm.
Liz, can you put down Ellie's diary for just one minute? I'm worried about him.
He's working all the time.
He is the head of a multi-million pound business.
He's a boy, Liz.
Come on, let's have a word.
Oh, I'm just at a good bit.
Liz! - Are you all right, mate? - Fine, thank you.
You've been in here a very long time.
Honc work.
Have to stay on top.
OK, but you've been in here all day.
Do you want to go for a wee-wee? Covered it.
Mm.
At least it's in bottles.
Oh, my little soldier.
This is so lame.
Do I have to go? There's nothing lame about Wild Boys Wilderness Survival Group.
And you'll never guess what? This is all a horrible dream? Your old man's coming with you.
They needed another adult.
It'll be great.
Us guys, out in the wilderness.
Surviving off the land.
I've got Honc work to do.
I've already checked it with Isla.
No, mister, no more work for you.
You need to get outside and taste the great outdoors.
I can look at the outdoors on my laptop.
I've got Street View.
You're going.
Right, I want you to have this with you at all times.
If anyone wants you to do anything that you're uncomfortable with, you press the button.
[ALARM WHINES.]
A bit much, Liz? He's going to be sleeping in the woods with the Wild Boys.
Fair enough.
Come on, you pair of hot dogs.
[SCOFFS.]
Glenn, you run Wild Boys? Run it, command it, whatever.
Tell you what, Tone.
Nothing quite like hanging out in the woods with a load of boys to help you get over losing access to your son.
Right, kids, it's Wild Boys time.
ALL: Wild Boys! RECORDING OF GLENN'S VOICE: "Man has battled with nature, "sought to tame her, "control her, destroy her, "but where man has failed, boys will prevail.
Wild Boys.
" Wild Boys! Wild Boys! Wild Boys! Dad.
Wild Boys! Are you serious? It'll be fine.
I forgot about his eyes.
His eyes are his best feature.
- OK, bye.
- Who are you talking about? Channing Tatum? I would.
Yeah.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
Did you get a message, did you? [ELLIE LAUGHS.]
Was it something funny, was it? A funny message on your phone? A funny text? I'm not texting.
It's Honc.
Oh, Honc.
You know, if you ever want to talk to me about sex, - it's totally fine.
- Mum, no.
Are you using contraception? Are you pregnant? Because I wouldn't mind.
I'd love a baby in the house.
I don't think I'm pregnant.
Well, we did have the talk, do you remember? With the glove puppets? Oh, yeah.
I'm not pregnant, then.
Now I've written "pregnant" instead of "yeah".
Can you sort of not talk to me while I'm messaging? Fine.
What say we have a glass of wine? - It's noon.
- I won't tell Dad.
Be our secret.
- Nah.
- Jagerbombs? Well, for a 3-star restaurant, that was superb.
We're two stars now, after the rats.
Well, that's a shame.
Still, cracking breakfast.
Sausages perhaps weren't as herby as usual.
You might want to ask Chef to have a word with his butcher.
All of our food comes from a cash and carry.
Oh.
You having this mushroom? Got anything planned for the weekend? I thought I could just hang around here in my weekend scruffs.
You can't today.
There's a wedding on.
- Oh, lovely.
- Yeah, there's some ace weddings here.
Always a fight and some proper dirt.
Marvellous.
In the meantime, I'll find something else to do.
As my father always used to say, "Make your own fun, Oliver.
" I'm trying, Father, I'm trying.
Oh.
- Wild Boys? - ALL: Wild Boys.
Good.
At ease.
You'll see Tony here has a big box.
I'd like all of your telephones and electronic devices in the box.
ALL: What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, lads.
This weekend we're all going to be screen-free.
Away from all of your modern-world distractions.
So when the box is locked, swallow the key.
Swallow the? No way.
- Fine, I'll eat it.
- It's massive.
I've passed bigger.
You too, Tone.
Phone in the box.
No way, I'm not missing the football scores.
You're a Wild Boy now, Tone.
Live off the land.
Like Robin Hood.
Did Robin Hood have football scores? I doubt it.
Archery scores maybe, but even then he wouldn't have checked them on his telephone, would he? He would have probably had a scroll or a piece of, I don't know All right, all right, all right.
- Fine.
- Good.
Now, this weekend we'll be earning Wild Boy badges by surviving nature's harshest wilderness.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hello.
I hope you don't mind me popping by.
I've been alone in my hotel room all morning.
Reading all the labels on my toiletries.
And I started to worry I might be going mad.
Come in, Oliver.
So, what are we doing? - I'm on Honc.
- Right, right.
One thing.
Honc isn't for adults.
Well, I'm pretending to be a child.
- Why? - Because Ellie wouldn't talk to me because she was so busy on Honc, so I thought I would make a profile and I can talk to her that way.
Meet Antoine.
He's 16, he's French, and he recently moved to the area.
I completely made him up.
He's dreamy.
Ellie seems to think so.
It's private, Oliver.
Boundaries.
One thought occurs, miss.
Isn't this a massive breach of Ellie's privacy and also technically grooming? Are you a mother, Oliver? - No, no.
- No, no! Then you wouldn't understand.
Anyway, this is that most me and Ells have spoken for ages.
Yes, but she thinks she's speaking to Antoine.
So? I mean, if we're connecting, does it really matter? Is it really a lie? Yes, it's definitely a lie.
Wow.
I've just made a shelter.
See, this is OK, isn't it? In a way.
It's just simple physics.
It's just all about having a solid stick matrix.
Yeah.
- Dammit.
- Well, well, well.
I see somebody's certainly mastered the Wild Boy Erection Challenge.
Seriously, Glenn, call it something else.
- And can I have a kip now we're done? - You're soft.
This from the man who cried at Harry Potter.
The Prisoner Of Azkaban is actually a very dark film.
Let's just see how hard you are, Tony.
It's time to hunt for our food.
Are you ready to kill? Getting there.
What's your favourite film, Antoine? - Donnie Darko.
- Yes! He's so deep.
What are you adding now? Antoine's just telling Ellie how much he loves hanging out with his mum, sharing secrets, being mates.
This feels wrong.
Although it is very in keeping for Antoine.
He would go out of his way for his mother.
You all right, Mum? You don't mind if I hang out and chat with you for a bit, do you? No, Ells.
If that's what you want.
Yeah.
Can I get you anything? Oh, go on, then.
I'll have a cup of tea.
I trod on this by mistake.
Oh, good, Ben.
The mouse can give us valuable protein.
Right, so, 1 mouse between 12 people.
It's not ideal.
Are you seriously telling me you didn't bring any food? Oh, yeah, a friend of mine brought the food actually, Tone.
You might know her.
She's called Mother Nature.
Seeing as soft millionaire Tony doesn't want to hunt any more because he's broken a nail I'm going to break your face in a minute.
Then it's a good job I came to an arrangement with a local farmer about putting on some lunch.
[THEY CHEER.]
Who likes pork chops? - ALL: Yes.
- Sausages? - ALL: Yes.
- Bacon? - ALL: Yes.
- Black pudding? ALL: No Well, we've got all that and more.
All we have to do is catch it first.
ALL: Wow.
Bloody hell.
Come on, then.
[HOOVERING UPSTAIRS.]
I can't believe how much Antoine telling Ellie how much he loved hoovering actually worked.
Yes.
Ellie really is staggeringly suggestible.
Still no word from Tone.
I suppose I better check in, see how he's getting on.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Problem? - Yes, there's a bloody problem! Antoine just sent Ellie, "How's Wild Boys, Tone? "Miss you, Liz.
" This is all your fault, Oliver.
How do I do delete it before she sees it? Unfortunately, the app doesn't have message delete capabilities.
You see, there was a problem with various operating systems available on the market.
Just get to the point.
Well, you can delete sent messages from the desktop version.
Laptop.
Crap, that's in Ellie's room.
Harry's laptop.
Where's the button? Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete - Should you be deleting everything? - Why isn't the message going? You're in the wrong window.
You've been typing in a Oh, Lord, that's a whole coding screen.
Mum! I don't know what you think you know about the French language, but it's very difficult to understand, and some French words look like things that your mum might say to your dad.
Honc is down, and there's this boy I like, and I can't get a hold of him.
- Honc is down? - Thank God.
Don't you realise what this means, Liz? - You've crashed Honc.
- Brilliant.
Tony, Oliver here.
Bit of a Honc crisis.
Certainly one that you could flag as, if not red, then a very red hue of amber.
Really need Harry back home to fix it.
Hope all is well with you, and speak soon.
- Still nothing? - No.
I'll try and get the group leader's number and keep calling around.
Meanwhile, you should try and fix the other problem.
What problem? The massive abuse of your daughter's trust? Oh, that.
She's a teenage girl.
She's probably forgotten about Antoine.
I wouldn't be too sure.
I can't stop thinking about him, and I know he's not real.
It's like he just gets me.
Honc is down.
Bigger problems, Oliver.
There she is.
You fancy a bite to eat? I'm too upset to eat.
Apart from a sandwich.
I'll have a sandwich.
You're not still thinking about this boy, are you? I miss him so much.
I've written a poem about him.
- Great.
- "Antoine, where have you gone? "Antoine, you're like a revolution.
"Antoine, have you ever eaten a swan? "Antoine, I hope you haven't.
"Because I like swans.
"Antoine" Lovely stuff.
You shouldn't really get your hopes up.
You know what boys are like.
He might even have a girlfriend.
He better not.
I've told all my mates about him.
They want to meet him.
Why don't I take you shopping, and buy you loads of stuff? You love your mum when she buys you loads of stuff, don't you? I love my mum all the time.
It's like Antoine says.
You have to love your mum, she brought you into this world, and she should be the centre of your world.
Maybe Antoine was getting a little bit carried away when he wrote that.
That was the fastest pig I've ever seen.
Uncatchable.
Still, not to worry.
Who fancies mushroom omelette? Finally! Fresh bird eggs from the forest, mushrooms from the ground.
- Picked them myself.
- ALL: Yee-ugh Those mushrooms don't look right.
Should they be that yellow? Trust me, Tone.
I know my mushrooms.
Sure none of you want any of this omelette? It's bloody gorgeous.
I've had enough of this.
It's cold, I'm starving, and you're mental.
So I'm ordering us take away, and I'm checking the football scores.
ALL: Yes, take away! - Dammit, GPRS.
- Oh, Tone.
Tone, Tone, Tone.
You know the rules.
No screens.
Sorry, I'm going to have to ban you from all future Wild Boy challenges.
Same for you, Harry.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
Now I can't win any badges.
Since when do you care? It's Wild Boys.
- Wild boys! - Wild Boys is lame.
It's not lame.
You're the one who's lame.
Can I check my Tinder? Do you love your new iPad? Honc is still down.
I bet Antoine thinks I'm blanking him.
Forget Antoine.
Look, there's a boy over there.
He's hot, isn't he? I think he fancies you.
Mum, I don't care about other boys.
I love Antoine.
Love him? Let's not start chucking the L word about, OK? Look, wait here.
All right? All right.
- Have you got a girlfriend? - No.
- Great.
- Wow.
A mum asking me out.
What's going on? [POLICE SIREN WAILS.]
It was a simple misunderstanding.
You see, I was pretending to be a teenage boy on the internet, but it all went wrong, so I needed to find a different teenage boy to No, wait, that does sound bad.
Look, it's just a mix-up.
I mean, you will laugh when I explain it.
I'll wait for you.
- Can I come in? - It's a free tent.
I'm sorry, son.
You were right, I've been an idiot.
But I'm going to help you be the best Wild Boy ever.
We are going to win every challenge, and get you every badge there is.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
Honc is down.
We need to go now.
Also, Arsenal won.
Glenn, I'm taking charge.
My son's website has crashed and we need to go home now.
And if you don't like it - Yep, yep.
Let's go.
- Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
No.
Mainly no.
Not the mushrooms, though.
I know my mushrooms.
Right, Wild Boys.
Wild Boys! [HE RETCHES.]
Glenn is down.
I repeat, Glenn is down.
So from now on, I am your leader.
But No buts! You four make a stretcher.
Get him on it.
The rest of you, pack up.
I'm taking us home.
Wild Boys! Wild Boys! Wild Boys! Good stretcher, this, lads.
Quality knots.
Good work.
Just Sorry about that.
Wild Boys! Wild Boys! Wild Boys! Hey, what's the matter, son? I don't know which path to take.
I don't remember us being here, and it's not on the map.
Well, think, son, think.
Use your Wild Boys skills.
I've got it! Moss.
We have to go north.
And moss only grows of the north sides of tree stumps.
- It's this way.
- That's right.
- Google maps.
- That's cheating.
Wild Boys, on me! If I end up marrying Antoine, does that mean I have to be French, or can I stay English? Marrying? OK, Ellie.
This has got to stop.
There's something you need to know about Antoine.
- I created him.
- What? Antoine's your son? - No.
- We're brother and sister? That's like Game Of Thrones.
No, no.
What I mean is I created him on Honc.
What you think is Antoine is me.
But you're not French.
- Are you? - No, Ells.
What I'm trying to say is that Antoine isn't real.
I made him up so I could talk to you.
He's not real? No.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it.
What about everyone else? Are they real? Dad, Harry, Oliver Going out to the dashed forest myself Yeah, they're real.
I've told all my mates about Antoine.
They're going to take the mickey when they find out.
Well, if your mates are the kind of people that take Yeah, I know, then they're not my real friends.
No, then lie.
We kill Antoine.
And then you're the popular girl with the dead French boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
Just one moment.
- You're killing Antoine? - Sorry, Oliver.
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
It's just a lot to take in, and I'm just going to need a few minutes.
- We made it! - Get in the van, kids.
Tony, I failed the kids today.
You got us out of there.
You were the adult who stepped in.
It's only right that I do the honourable thing.
I'm stepping down as head Wild Boy.
What're you talking about, Glenn? My badge and my gun.
I don't deserve them any more.
You shouldn't have a gun, Glenn.
- It's a starter's pistol.
- Still, pretty sure it's illegal.
Right, buckle up, kids.
We're going to break a lot of speed limits.
Next stop, Milton Keynes Has anyone else stopped seeing in colour? via the hospital.
Hi, Trent, it's Oliver here.
A bit of a problem, this end.
Kind of an amber, going on red, going on super red.
- Now I don't want you to panic - [DOOR BANGS OPEN.]
Nothing.
Bye! Where have you been? No time to explain.
Prep the den.
Dad, I'll need a Cherry Coke and two Creme Eggs.
It's fixed.
[THEY CHEER.]
And we'd still be in those woods if it wasn't for you knowing that stuff about the moss.
Do you think you'll go back, then? BOTH: No.
Mum, look.
Antoine's made the news.
Someone set up a JustGiving page for his family, and they raised 250 grand.
I gave £50.
Yeah, I know he's not real, but I do miss him.
I think it's best if we all keep quiet about Antoine and wait for this to blow over.
You're not too upset, Ellie? No.
I've got a new boyfriend now.
I met him on Honc.
His name is Marco and he's from Spain.
- Really? - I'll delete it in a week.