Celebrity Juice (2008) Episode Scripts

Couples Special - Olly Murs, Phillip Schofield, Stacey Solomon, Joe Swash, Pamela Anderson

1 Word to your mum! I'm Keith Lemon and these are my not-new titles.
We'll change them next series.
There's Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got dem bangers, boys! Whoo-hoo! There's Fearne Cotton, who pretends to hate me but secretly wants my babies.
And there is Gino 'Sheffield' D'Acampo with his tiny willy.
We are all here in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on't telly! Not 4K ready.
What the fuck is 4K? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! I'm Keith Lemon and welcome to a special Celebrity Juice special couples' special.
Yes, this week we have four teams.
Let's meet them.
First up, it's fuck buddies Holly and Phillip! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Nextly, it's Joe Swash and Stacey Solomon! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Our next couple are Fearne and Olly Murs! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Just two guys having a good night out.
Oh, yes.
Next, it's none other than Gino D'Acampo and Pamela Anderson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (AUDIENCE CHANTS 'GINO') I do love this show.
What a creep! I have never seen you so happy.
Why don't you mind your own business? Pamela, can you understand what he's saying? No, and I can't understand what you're saying, either.
(MOCKS AMERICAN ACCENT) Have a nice day! (CHEERING) I have been looking forward to meeting you for a long time.
You just relax.
There is nothing that can go wrong here.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my gosh.
I forgot about this show.
Hey! It's the fittest woman on the planet, Pamela Anderson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Pamela? Yes? Before we start, can I just say, you look lovely.
Thank you.
I am going to give you a point straightaway if you can tell me what Gino D'Acampo is famous for.
He is a sexy vegan chef.
What? Have you told her that you're vegan? No? Yeah Actually, he could be vegan because all he can make is doughballs.
Oh, my God.
You are unbelievable.
You have got about 40 cookbooks, cooking the shit out of pigs, chickens Absolutely not.
Fish, squid.
Absolute rubbish.
I just don't do meat.
The only meat I do is the clitosteris.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Pamela, it says that last year you were knighted in Italy.
Yes.
Tell us about that.
I was knighted in Italy.
(LAUGHTER) It was for the work I have done for the oceans and animals.
Seriously, I do love animals.
I like animals, too.
You don't love animals as much as I do, Olly.
My dad invented horses.
Pamela, can I just say, if there is any animal ever in trouble, I am always there.
If I hear a cry for help (CAT MEOWS) That sounds like a cat in distress.
What is going on backstage? Aww! There are three naughty bad men about to shoot a kitten.
Right.
Just hold the show right there.
I love animals.
# I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night # He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast # (CAT MEOWS) Point that fucking gun at me as much as you want! It's me or that cat! I'll fucking brain you, you bastards! Come on, then! Look over there.
You bastards! There you go, little fella.
So cute.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Love animals.
That was the fakest thing I have ever seen in my life.
First of all, the three guys were the three runners.
I know them.
One of them lives You know.
Second of all, the guns were fake.
The only real thing was the pussy.
(LAUGHTER) That was crap.
Come on, then.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! You just did it because Pamela Anderson was on.
That is crap.
What are you fucking doing, cockblocking me? She was on the show a few years ago and I've thought about her every day, sometimes twice a day.
Sometimes I think about her till it hurts.
I tell you what I will do.
After the show, if you don't play this nice I'm looking forward to Brexit.
I am.
I tell you.
Exit, Brexit.
You are out and we will get Johnny Vegas back.
(BOOING) You have got too much gel in your hair.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) My 'eart, 'eart, 'eart, 'eart skips a beat It's Olly Murs! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
(GIRLS SCREAMING) Olly, you have got a new single out at the moment.
Yes.
It's called Grow Up.
Here it is.
In CD format.
I don't know if it is actually coming out in physical formation.
It is not.
It's probably not yours.
It's not.
It's Atomic Kitten inside.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) I am representing.
It is called Grow Up.
Yes.
Grow Up, /fo What's the message? Basically telling someone they need to grow up.
That is the What is it about? That is what it is about.
That is the stor What is it actually about? I wrote this song about, erm A friend or someone close to me.
This sounds like the narrative to me.
What is the message? Fuck off! (APPLAUSE) For publicity reasons, you have recreated your school photo.
I did.
We did it for a magazine.
It was amazing.
We have a picture.
Here we are.
(APPLAUSE) Do you have a message for anyone at home that should grow up, if they are being a bit immature? What advice would you give them to grow up? Down camera five.
What advice to grow up? I don't think anyone should grow up.
Then why have you brought a song out called fucking Grow Up? Hey! They're the friskiest couple on television.
It's Phillip and Holly! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, erm Phillip, do you ever, like, lick her fanny, then? That would be like Just for fun.
On special occasions.
.
.
my sister.
Like the 10 years anniversary.
(APPLAUSE) You have worked together for 10 years.
The 10-year anniversary? You have been working together for 10 years.
Is that right?! Bollocks! No, it is true.
It was 2006.
10 years, you two have been presenting together.
Yeah! Well, I will do it, then! Holly, he is an attractive man.
He is a gorgeous man.
He is known as the Silver Fox.
Do you think you would have been attracted to him back in the day? Where are you going with this? Let's have a look at him when he was much younger.
Oh, no.
That was 30 years ago.
Look at that sweater! Let's go a few years down the line and have a look at this.
This is when he was into Simon Cowell and Harry Potter.
Let's have a look at the next one.
This is when you became a spiritualist on television.
That is amazing.
What the hell is that? You will get the Speakmans a run for their money.
I know they are not spiritualists, but I am just saying.
I swear to God that is not me.
He is walking off, he can't believe it.
Oh, shit.
It is me.
(APPLAUSE) Your white hand.
That is shocking.
Love's young dream.
It's Stacey Solomon and Joe Swash.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Come on.
Give it to me.
I am nervous.
How did you get together? Stacey was in Australia when we was doing I'm A Celebrity.
The spin-off show.
She just kept knocking on the door.
In the end, it was almost like I felt obliged.
I just kissed her.
I haven't been able to get rid of her since.
I am only joking.
No, that is what happened.
AUDIENCE: Aww! All right.
Stacey, it was your birthday recently.
Romantic Joe Swash bought you a wonderful gift, didn't he? Yes, three wonderful gifts.
What were the three wonderful gifts? I got three lovely pairs of trainers.
He bought his girlfriend three pairs of trainers.
Sneakers.
They were expensive trainers.
And some lovely perfume.
A nice ring or whatever.
Say that again? Not a wedding ring.
A ring.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Good time, isn't it? I don't know whether Oh.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS) This is not how I imagined it, Keith.
That is a nice ring.
I tell you what, Swash.
We are good friends.
I will give you this.
All right.
If you propose to Stacey on the show, when you feel it is right Don't do it frivolously, but when you feel it is the right time, I will give you a point for your team.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Can I? When you feel it is right.
Don't just do it to get a point for your team.
Do I have to say yes? If we are losing, I will pull it out of the bag.
Joe and Stacey, in honour of you two being together, you must know a lot about each other.
I have come up with a new original format for what I hope will be a spin-off show entitled (CHEERING) Hello and welcome to a brand-new original format entitled Master & Miss.
This is an original show and it has never been on TV before.
I have seen one that is very similar to this.
There is one called Mr & Mrs.
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino! This is not Mr & Mrs.
It is Master & Miss.
What I am going to do is ask you both the same question.
If your answers tally up, you will win a point for your team.
It is to see how much you know each other.
No, no, no.
No, no.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS) It is totally original, Phillip.
I came up with this today.
If you are going to do it, I am doing it with you.
Fair do's.
All right.
The way it should be done.
Do you want him to do it with me? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Are you ready? I am ready.
OK.
Here is the first question.
/ What is Stacey's date of birth? Come on.
(LAUGHTER) It was last week! The trainers.
Joe, you've got this.
You have written it down on your cards.
Joe, you first.
Let's have a look.
The year, did you say? font colo I ain't done the year.
September 4th.
Yes, but what year? He is having a laugh.
You don't know how old she is? She is 27.
Work it out, then Is it 1997? What have you got? First of all, it was last week, 4th October, which is this month.
Here is the next question.
I am not good at maths.
Here you go.
What is Stacey's favourite sexual position? (GASPS) Can you draw it? He is more accurate now than he was with the date of birth.
Very quick answer.
What have you got? I haven't written anything yet because I am thinking about it.
You have got to write down what you think he wrote down.
Oh How do you say it? I don't know.
I don't know what it is.
Normal.
Normal? Normal sex? Missionary.
Yeah, like normal.
It is what you like, not what I like.
You are supposed to be in sync because you love each other.
Yes, that is normal.
(APPLAUSE) Phillip Schofield, I think we can have another question.
What chocolate bar would Joe like to stick up Stacey's bum? (LAUGHTER) I don't even Are we looking at bars that will actually fit or bars I like? (LAUGHTER) None of this is ever going to happen.
I am hoping it is none.
I am a normal sex girl.
If for one night you would like chocolate shoved up your arse, which chocolate would Joe pick? What would you like it to be? You went for a Milky Way so it doesn't spoil your dinner.
No! I did (APPLAUSE) I went with what I think would be most practical.
A practica Matchsticks.
I did a little Bounty.
And I am not a coconut fan.
They are in two bits.
So it don't have to just be the bum! (KLAXON) That was an original format entitled Master & Miss.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We have got some legends in the house tonight, so it is time to play a legendary round.
It is Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) In this round, I will give you a subject.
It is a word association game.
Whatever you do, do not show me your teeth.
How is Stacey going to do that? I think I am at an unfair disadvantage.
Phillip, things that couples like to do.
Read a book together.
(BUZZER) It's down to you, Stace.
I know! (BUZZER) (INDISTINCT) (BUZZER) (BUZZER) (BUZZER) (BUZZER) Yes! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We are going to an ad break now.
We will see you in three.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Look at Stacey Solomon go! Hi, I'm outside Elstree Studios.
It is spitting a bit, but no bother, we're here to play the Box Game, sponsored by Boxes.
As you can see, our panellists are underneath their boxes.
All they've got to do is go down the slope here, into the box wall and through the masking tape wall of terror.
Turn right into the studio, up the ramp, past the finishing line.
To win a point for their team, they both have to go past the finishing line.
The first couple back wins the point.
Let's talk to our contestants.
Holly Willoughby, how are you feeling? I hate this bloody game.
Let's talk to Pamela Anderson.
Pamela, you've got a lovely box.
Did you ever think you'd be in Elstree under a cardboard box? No.
Living the dream! Okay, remember, you both have to pass the finishing line.
Not necessarily the same time, obviously.
We've got all the girls at the front, all the guys at the back, where they belong.
That's normal sex, Stacey.
Normal.
(LAUGHS) Okay, go after three.
Are you ready? ALL: Yeah.
Three, two, one! (CHEERING) Stacey is well ahead! Look at Stacey Solomon go! Straight through the box wall! Followed by Pamela Anderson.
Holly's not very good at this game, but she is trying her best as she is very competitive.
Don't go into the wall.
Don't go into the wall, Holly.
Oh, you're in the wall! Closely behind Holly.
Schofield is stuck in the middle.
Oh, picking up some pace! Keep underneath your box! What is Olly Murs doing? Remember, you've got to play the course.
Push, push.
This way, this way, this way! Stacey Solomon's off the track.
Schofield is entering the studio.
Keep under your box.
Keep under the box.
He's closely followed by Fearne Cotton.
He is having trouble with the stage.
It looks like there's some sort of action going on here.
They're on top of each other.
Do not use this as an opportunity to have a touch and feel with Pamela Anderson.
Fearne is in front of them.
Joe Swash is taking over.
Schofield is about to go up! Schofield as across the finishing line! Holly to come.
We've got Pamela Anderson.
This way.
(AUDIENCE CHANT 'GINO') Fearne Cotton is approaching the finishing line.
She is followed Pamela Anderson is just past the finishing line.
Who have we got left? Olly Murs.
He could be here 24 Hours - that's the name of his new album.
Keep going! Olly is about to go past the finishing line.
It was the first couple past the finishing line.
I can tell you Stewards enquiry.
Oh, shit the bed! So the first people past the finishing line were Holly and Phillip.
Yes! But But Did you cheat? No.
Phillip got out of his box and guided Holly.
Thus they are both disqualified.
You told me to go back and get her.
We've got footage, we've got evidence.
Let's have a look at this.
She said to me the last time she did it she ended up by the bins.
It was such a long time there weren't even any cameras there.
He didn't leave me.
He is my true friend.
10 years together and he didn't leave me! AUDIENCE: Aww! You're a cheating scum! So the winner was, that went through the gates first, is Olly and Fearne! Loser! That game was sponsored by Boxes.
I hope you are having a good time because next up is an oldie but a goldie, but we've rebranded it.
It used to be called In Your Face but we have changed the name of it now and you will see why cos it's called The Incredible Hulk's Arsehole! (CHEERING) First up to play this game is my lovely lady Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING) So Fearne Cotton's head is inside the Incredible Hulk's arsehole, as you can see there.
We will transport your head onto a different celebrity's body.
Now (LAUGHTER) Right, Fearne, you may ask Olly questions.
Umam I a man? No.
Am I a singer? Mmm (LAUGHTER) No.
(LAUGHTER) Do I attempt to sing? Maybe.
Questionable.
No, wait, do I rap? Yes! Am I Honey G, innit? Yeah! Yeah, boy! (LAUGHTER) Next up it's Joe Swash! (CHEERING) I will transport your head onto a different celebrity's body via the Incredible Hulk's arse.
Now (LAUGHTER) Are you ready, Stace? I'm ready.
Am I a man? Yes.
All right.
(LAUGHTER) That's stumped me.
Do I sing? No.
Do I act? Not Well, may No, not really.
Do I do some sort of sports? No, I don't think so.
I don't know.
Am I a dog lover? (LAUGHTER) Am I a famous dog lover? Am I on telly? Am I on TV? At the moment Yes or no.
Just yes or no.
Yes, yes.
I am on TV at the moment lots.
What's on telly at the moment? Lots.
I don't think you've been watching.
Is it a cookery show? No.
Is it a comedy show? No.
Is it a serious show? Yes, yes.
All right, am I Donald Trump? (CHEERING) Next up it's Gino D'Acampo! (CHEERING) (AUDIENCE CHANT 'GINO') Okay, Gino, are you ready? Yes.
(SCREAMS, LAUGHS) Oh, my God! How did that happen? Just yes or no, just yes or no.
I am a man? Yes.
I am a politician? No.
I am Oh, who am I? (LAUGHTER) I am a TV presenter? No.
I'm American? Yes.
Oh.
(LAUGHTER) I'm a singer American? Yeah.
Singer? Yes.
Old singer? Yes.
Frank Sinatra? No.
(LAUGHTER) No.
Have I got a fit body? Yes.
I'm some kind of an idiot? Yes! (LAUGHS) Did I have a car at some point Yes! I'm the Hoff! (CHEERING) (AUDIENCE CHANT 'GINO') Next up, together, it's Holly and Phil! (CHEERING) I am going to transport you onto a celebrity's body now! (LAUGHTER) My, God, that is never a good sign.
What the hell is that? Because you are both up there, I will now play as part of your team and you will ask me.
Okay, are we We will start with Holly.
Are we a double act? (LAUGHTER) Yes.
Are we male and female? Yes.
Are we on television? Yes.
Are we always on television together? Yes.
Holly, look down to your right.
My right? Yes.
(LAUGHTER) Phil, just to line it up, look down.
Look down.
That's it.
Like you've stumped your toe.
(LAUGHTER) Have we been on This Morning? Have we interviewed them on Th No.
Are we us? What? Are we us? Yes! Why would it be that reaction? Sweet mother of God! Holy shit! It's Sex Week on This Morning.
(LAUGHTER) Holly and Phil, everyone! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (CHEERING) We go to an ad break now.
See you in a bit! Shall we have a kiss? (CHEERING) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It is our Couple's Special! Also, the men have all promised me, if their team wins they will mott out their team member.
A special gift.
What is that? What is motting? Yes.
(LAUGHTER) Pamela, you only do this if you're really in love with them, yeah? Yes.
Okay, right, Olly, come on.
(CHEERING) Do you want to be the mottee? You mott me.
Am I going to mott you? Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) So, you had a nice night out, you go back to your place.
Very romantic.
Only if you love them.
Only if you love them.
Basically you part your lover's legs.
I shouldn't have asked.
Mott, mott, mott, mott, mott (LAUGHTER) Okay, I'm with you.
Come back, come back.
Because you love them, after you have motted them, you kiss them.
(LAUGHTER) Do not do that again.
It's tradition, innit? Don't we always have a kiss? Okay.
Yeah! (CHEERING) It is all to play for now in our final round.
It is the buzzer round! (CHEERING) The first question is - what has Bear Grylls allegedly said he'd let his kids eat to survive? Phillip, it's amazing! Your penis is the shape of a cube! (LAUGHTER) Gino's pasta.
(LAUGHTER) Oh-ho-ho! Yes, Phil.
He said a dog.
That's correct.
A dog.
Where has Daniel Radcliffe revealed he'd like to die? Suck on my penis! It's fantastico! I ain't sucking on your dick, you fucking moot! That's PG Tips.
Pamela and Gino.
I saw the story.
He wanted to die on Ooh, hello! There was fuzz on his beard.
Gino has died and gone to heaven.
What was the question? (LAUGHTER) On TV or on a movie set or something like that? I'll give you that.
On a film set because he loves acting so much.
Who is this gorgeous babe? Fearne Cotton, my heart just skipped a beat! You've got a penis! (LAUGHTER) Fearne and Olly.
That's me.
(CHEERING) What's that about, man? That was me dressed up as Kylie Minogue.
That's Kylie Minogue?! Yeah.
Fuck off! (LAUGHTER) Who has X Factor's Honey G been compared with this week? Fearne, my heart just skipped a beat! You've got a penis! Fearne and Olly.
David Cameron.
That's correct.
Split screen.
Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING) It's unbelievable! (KLAXON) (CHEERING) That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice, Couple's Special.
Hold up.
(CHEERING) (INDISTINCT) Stacey, will you marry me for this point? (LAUGHTER) Yeah, but - Just say yes, please! There are a lot of people Okay.
(CHEERING) They're engaged! I can tell you this week's winning couple is Not us.
The winning team is Joe and Stacey, it is not you! (LAUGHTER) It is Fearne and Olly! (CHEERING) I'm Keith Lemon and if I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance! # BONNIE TYLER: I Need a Hero