Clerks (2000) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
[ Announcer .]
[ Door Bell Ringing .]
Hello? Hello? I wanna get some smokes.
[ Rattling .]
- Is anybody here? - [ Man .]
Is it safe? - Is what safe? - Is it safe? Yes it's safe.
- It's very safe.
- Is it safe? - Listen, are you gonna come out or what? - Is it safe? This isn't funny.
[ Man #2 .]
It puts the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket.
[ Man #1 .]
Shut up, man.
Is it safe? Is it safe? Stop it! I just want some smokes! - [ Sobbing .]
I just want some smokes! - Is it safe? - [ Screaming .]
- [ Engine Starting .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
[ Screaming .]
Thirty seconds.
You owe me five bucks.
- I don't have five bucks.
- Take it from the register.
[ Screaming Continues .]
[ Telephone Ringing .]
[ Announcer .]
Clerks is filmed before a live studio audience.
[ Ringing Continues .]
- Hello? What? - [ Voice Speaking Rapidly .]
No way.
It's my day off! [ Sighs .]
Fine.
I'll be there.
[ Cattle Lowing .]
- Are you open? - How much are these muffins? Can you guys vulcanize my tires while I wait? - Same as it ever was.
- [ Dings .]
Nothing exciting ever happens in this place.
[ Fireworks Whistling .]
All right, who did it? 'Fess up or I start calling parents! - What were you thinking, Silas? - I-I'm sorry, Mr.
Dante.
They-They said you wouldn't care because your expectations for a fair deal have been dulled after years spent at this soul-crushing, less-than-minimum-wage hellhole.
You got me there.
But where did you get this stuff? Step right up and throw down some bucks at Jay and Silent Bob's TNT-Redux! Naga-nooch! I'm a poet and I didn't even know it, Silent Bob.
Snoogans.
Are you crazy? These kids could really hurt themselves with this stuff.
Hurt themselves? Heck, man, they could blow their hands off! See this? This is an M-80, my brother.
A quarter stick of dynamite, which means four of these bad boys equals, like, two sticks of dynamite, man.
Are you sure I'm ready, Doctor? I don't know if it's safe or not yet.
What did we learn, Albert? It's safe.
It's very safe.
- [ Screaming .]
- [ Explosion .]
Beat it, before I call the cops.
Come on, Silent Bob.
Let's go find that kid in the helmet.
He's loaded.
Oh, my God! Call the cops! I just freed myself from a madman's subterranean prison! He's been holding me captive, which is why I'm a little late opening the video store.
I can describe the dank cage for police artists.
There were walls, there were doors.
[ Sobbing .]
I can't relive it.
Don't make me! I'm begging you! - What are you doing here? - It seems someone told the boss I needed to work more hours for college credits.
- Wasn't me.
- I didn't say it was.
- Well, that's good, because I-- All right, it was me.
- Very smooth.
This guy's been waiting all morning.
How about you go open up the video store and earn your keep? "Earn your keep.
" You talk like such a 'mo sometimes.
- You, move it.
- You're three hours late.
And so are these.
There's gonna be a late charge.
Hey, hey, hey! I'm walking here! I haven't seen panic like this since they renewed Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Parlor.
[ Announcer .]
Wednesdays at 8:00 on ABC.
- What's going on? - Don't you know? - He has returned! - Uh-oh.
Jesus? Better! - Leonardo Leonardo has returned! - [ Door Bell Ringing .]
- And he is? - You've never heard of Leonardo Leonardo? Hey, man, we've got our fingers on the pulse of this community.
So I ask you, who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo? [ Woman .]
Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo? It's a question asked by the poorly educated with fingers far from the pulse of the community.
- You're poorly educated.
- You're talking to the television.
[ Woman Continues .]
It all began in the early 1800s, when Leonardo's great grandfather, Bernardo Leonardo, bought our town from the Indians for 14.
8 million dollars.
But it was Leonardo Leonardo himself who led his now-legendary expedition into the fabled Canadas, long thought to be uninhabitable by evolved man, and brought it to its knees.
[ All Screaming .]
And he soon accumulated the vast Leonardo fortune by acquiring Canadian mineral rights in exchange for the debilitating polio virus.
Ouch! But what could Leonardo's homecoming have to do with the mysterious tented structure that has captured our imaginations over the last few minutes? That's new.
- [ Bones Cracking .]
- [ All Gasping .]
Okay, good.
Now remember, L.
L.
, we've got two minutes for the intro if you're going to make your 12:30 with Access Hollywood.
We couldn't get Entertainment Tonight? Hmm.
- Simple folk of Leonardo, - [ Microphone Feedback .]
- I have returned! - [ Applause .]
After years abroad and seeing all there is to see in New Jersey, schooled at Eton and Oxford, New Jersey, I am come to stay! Behold! Leonardo Tower! I find it hard to believe that no one noticed that either.
It looks like a big bong.
Hey, that looks like a big bong too.
For too long, the miserable corner store has been a haven for ludicrous price-gouging and rude, poorly trained clerks-- - You think he's talking about us? - No.
with names like Dante and Handel.
- Randal! - Today marks the dawn of a new era.
I give you, the people of Leonardo, the future! [ Man Coughing .]
It's a new convenience store! Quicker Stop! - Eh? Yes? - [ Applause .]
This doesn't bode well.
"Quicker Stop.
" I don't get it.
Now, that's the ugliest damn bong I've ever seen.
[ Dante .]
Look at this place.
[ Leonardo Over Speaker .]
Welcome to Quicker Stop, the home of convenience and quality, only quicker.
Plus, a selection of high-end adult magazines.
While you're here, shop in our best-seller department, complete with its own coffee bar.
Or drop by our music shop, also with its own coffee bar.
Or perhaps you'd rather visit our international coffee bar, complete with its own little book department, which has its own super-teeny-tiny coffee bar inside and a selection of tiny adult magazines.
And finally, as you enter the Hall of Mirrors, you might notice you're not alone.
For you see, I'm shopping with you.
[ Screaming .]
The dead live! [ Screaming .]
- [ Screaming .]
- Sir, your change.
Phase One complete! [ Chuckles, Sighs .]
- I think we're in trouble.
- I don't.
[ Randal .]
We're ruined.
Ruined! What are we gonna do? Help us.
We're going to starve.
Uh, the guy who owns the butcher shop? No, listen.
"We're ruined! Who will feed my children? They're dying!" Ohh! Mr.
Scinto, the card shop guy.
Bingo.
You know, I always said this job would be great if it weren't for the customers.
That Quicker Stop is the best thing that ever happened to us.
- I'm startin' to agree.
- [ Telephone Ringing .]
- Yeah? Okay.
- [ Voice Speaking Rapidly .]
Boss says he's shuttin' the store permanently.
The video store too.
What? Why? I have no idea, but I've got a plan.
This is your plan? "Pay as you exit"? Isn't that what the customers were doing already? Kind of.
I guess.
Shut up.
"Pay as you exit.
" Sweet deal.
You're right, Silent Bob.
Besides, we've got some bad news that's gonna rock their feeble clerk world.
- I can't even imagine.
- Listen up.
We quit.
- You don't work here.
- Not anymore we don't.
This is an official notice.
From now on, Silent Bob and I will be officially standing in front of the Quicker Stop.
Officially.
- We'll be over here if anyone comes looking for us.
- Okay.
- Just send them over.
- Fine.
- Hey, either of youse guys wanna buy some fireworks? - No, thanks.
- So, now what? - Hmm.
Okay, that comes to 37 cents.
- I have a coupon.
- Nineteen cents.
[ Beeping .]
L.
L.
? Uh-- [ Clears Throat .]
L.
L.
? I don't understand these instructions.
It didn't look like this in the catalog.
Sir, I'd be happy to order you a desk.
Maybe a nice antique one.
Hmm? Why don't I just throw my money out the window? Hmm? I think I'll stick with Ikea.
The Blork.
Bleached oak.
Seventy-nine dollars.
Now, where did I put that dowel? - Sir, the Quick Stop sales have spiked over 1000%.
- Let me see that! Bring this Quick Stop to me.
- Sir, it's a store.
- Bring it! How about the two kids who run it instead? All right for now.
Gentlemen, welcome.
Thank you for accepting my invitation.
What do you think of my desk? I made it myself.
And I have all these pieces left.
Uh, it's great.
- You think so? - Sure.
- Right, Randal? - It's a piece of crap.
[ Laughing .]
Very good.
It looks like it was built by a "re-re.
" Delicious.
It does, doesn't it? [ Forced Chuckle .]
And this whole stupid building in the shape of an "L.
" Why? In case you forget your initials? That was uncalled-for.
Man, what is the matter with you? Despite Mr.
Hicks' lashing out, I want to offer you a job working here for me.
I want you lock, stock and barrel.
- Is this some sort of gay thing? - No.
- You're sure? - Yes.
I'll start you both in my management trainee program, which includes medical, stock options and full enrollment at Rutgers College while you train.
- College? - [ Man .]
Sir, it's your call from Canada.
I'm sorry.
The window for getting a call into Canada is only open once a week.
Mr.
Leo! Mr.
Leo! [ Loudly .]
Good day, Your Highness! - I don't believe it.
- I know.
College.
It's a dream.
- How could he take a phone call in the middle of our meeting? - Oh, no.
No, it's not evil spirits.
It's just rain.
Rain! Fine.
Try and kill it.
Children.
Now, where were we? I've got news for you, Leonardo Leonardo, and the headline is "Shove it.
" We don't want your fancy, life-changing, career-starting, moving-out-of-my-parents'-house college education.
We're happy at the Quick Stop.
I see.
Well played.
It was a mistake to think that I could buy you.
- No, it wasn't.
- Oh, that boat has sailed.
Soon, your store and all the other stores in Leonardo will be gone, and you will wake up to find that downtown Leonardo has been replaced by a north-of-the-border theme store! - No! Wait.
What? - No! Canadian goods, available in the States for the first time.
- That doesn't seem so bad.
- Not yet! But then, Leonardo will become the premiere tourist destination in Jersey, and that will lead to Phase Two: A domed pleasure paradise! - It's just an empty table.
- Well, the dome model is coming tomorrow.
- Sure it is.
- No, really.
I ordered it yesterday.
- From where? - A store.
It's in Canada.
You've probably never heard of it.
[ Cat Screeching .]
I'll bet he never ordered the dome.
- You know, he offered us college.
- Don't you get it? I've never seen anything more clearly in my life.
Leonardo Leonardo must be destroyed! [ Leonardo .]
I can hear you, you know.
It was Dante.
That was a fun day.
[ Car Departing .]
[ Dante .]
What exactly are we doing here again? We need evidence to expose Leonardo, and there's only one place to get it.
Come on, old chum.
We're almost there.
Why are we walking like this? [ Grunting .]
This is better? - What are you doing? - When Cortez reached the New World, he burned his boats to encourage his men.
- So? - I'm sure we'll find a way out.
There.
- The Maze of Death.
- What? - What about that one over there? - That could be anything.
I think we should go with that maze thing.
- The Maze of Death? - That's the one.
- Let's go.
[ Screaming .]
- [ Screaming .]
Oh, God.
We made it.
- I thought the Minotaur had you.
- And that Billy Crystal/Robin Williams movie? - [ Shuddering .]
- [ Jay .]
Ew! Youse girls wanna be alone? How did you get into Leonardo's office? - Who the hell's Leonardo? - What are you doing here? Lookin' for M-80s.
Duh.
What are youse guys doin' here? Looking for something we can use against Leonardo.
Hey, this outlines every stage of Leonardo's plan, point by point.
Let's go.
- Is there a quicker way out of here? - Out of where? Good God, that last scene was quick.
Stop the meeting! - We have evidence.
- Leonardo Leonardo is trying to turn the town into a-- A domed pleasure resort town where the people of Leonardo will work underground as mindless slave drones and live off the crumbs of the rich.
[ Crowd Chanting .]
Crumbs! Crumbs! Crumbs! Yea! - Do something.
- Wait.
There's more Leonardo isn't telling you.
Listen to this.
Phase Three: Flooding the underground and drowning all the workers.
But then who will operate the machinery to keep the pleasure dome running? Phase Four: An army of robot workers to replace the slaves.
But what if the robots united and rebelled against Leonardo? Phase Five: An army of highly intelligent apes move in and quell the robot insurrection.
But what if the apes are pacifists? Phase 24: The virus, while not affecting anyone in the dome, destroys all the chickens.
That may well be, but where will he get eggs? Phase 39: Robot chickens.
Phase 63: The dome launches into space and nukes the earth from orbit.
It's the only way to be sure.
My God! Leonardo is a monster! - We have to stop him! - Wait a second.
Do you live in Leonardo? No, New York City.
I'm on my way to the beach, and I stopped to use the bathroom.
- I guess it's kind of our last night.
- Let's do something special.
- Pfeifer? - Pfeifer.
[ Man On TV .]
And now it's time for America's number one TV show, The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeifer, on America's number one network, UPN! President Lincoln, someone is trying to open a new Whiter House of the future right across the street and drive us out of business.
I've seen this one 1000 times.
It won a Humanitas.
- What's that? - An award for TV shows that don't use words like "retarded.
" That's retarded and queer.
Hey, this is the one where Jefferson Jefferson tries to destroy Washington by opening a White House of the future.
- A classic.
- Totally classic Pfeifer.
Wait a second.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Urinating in the frozen food section and watching it steam up? Oh, yeah.
No! Desmond Pfeifer.
It's just like us and Leonardo Leonardo.
It is strikingly similar.
The only difference is if Desmond lost, he'd go back to being a slave.
You're right.
The stakes are much higher for us.
All we have to do is what Desmond did to stop Leonardo.
Now, watch.
First, Desmond wears a dress and pretends to be a rich widow.
Then-- - It worked.
- Get these handcuffs off me.
We've got you, Leonardo.
Your confederate plans are thwarted! And I bet you're shocked to see your beloved fiancee is none other than I, Randal.
- I knew it all the time.
- Ew.
You may have won this round, but as long as Quicker Stop still stands, I win.
Oh, man.
We forgot.
Desmond blows up the White House of the future.
Youse guys wanna buy some fireworks? Nice dress.
- How did you find out about the plan? - What plan? I hope there are no hard feelings, sir.
Well played, clerks.
I underestimated you once, but never again.
I vow that my vengeance won't be swift or entertaining.
I will draw it out over decades in such a subtle fashion that you'll have to wonder whether the misery in your life is either manifest or the machinations of Leonardo Leonardo or a third thing.
Good evening.
You know, you and I are far fonder of this town than we ever let on.
And even "farrer" fonder of our crappy jobs.
Go figure.
Tonight, we showed more pluck and industriousness than we've ever thought ourselves capable of.
We were able to affect major change in our lives.
Things will never be the same again! - Can you guys Vulcanize tires while I wait yet? - No.
[ Scoffs .]
Haven't you guys learned anything? [ Clears Throat .]
Me and Silent Bob would just like to announce that we'll now be officially hanging out in front of these stores again.
Officially.
Oh, yes.
Snooch to the nooch.
- Let's turn in so we can start hiking early.
- Shouldn't we clean up? - Nah, let's just leave it for the morning.
- [ Jay .]
Hold it, kids.
[ Girl .]
Oh, my God! It's Jay and Silent Bob.
- Hi.
I'm Jay.
- And I'm Silent Bob.
And I'm Charles Barkley.
What the hell are you doing here? Kids, if Silent Bob could talk, he'd remind you that when you're camping, it's always smart to tie your food up in the trees at night so as not to attract bears.
- Word.
- Wow.
Let's do it.
Thanks, Jay.
Thanks, Silent Bob.
- Sure.
- No problem.
- So the next time you're camping-- - Bear this tip in mind.
[ Door Bell Ringing .]
Hello? Hello? I wanna get some smokes.
[ Rattling .]
- Is anybody here? - [ Man .]
Is it safe? - Is what safe? - Is it safe? Yes it's safe.
- It's very safe.
- Is it safe? - Listen, are you gonna come out or what? - Is it safe? This isn't funny.
[ Man #2 .]
It puts the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket.
[ Man #1 .]
Shut up, man.
Is it safe? Is it safe? Stop it! I just want some smokes! - [ Sobbing .]
I just want some smokes! - Is it safe? - [ Screaming .]
- [ Engine Starting .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
[ Screaming .]
Thirty seconds.
You owe me five bucks.
- I don't have five bucks.
- Take it from the register.
[ Screaming Continues .]
[ Telephone Ringing .]
[ Announcer .]
Clerks is filmed before a live studio audience.
[ Ringing Continues .]
- Hello? What? - [ Voice Speaking Rapidly .]
No way.
It's my day off! [ Sighs .]
Fine.
I'll be there.
[ Cattle Lowing .]
- Are you open? - How much are these muffins? Can you guys vulcanize my tires while I wait? - Same as it ever was.
- [ Dings .]
Nothing exciting ever happens in this place.
[ Fireworks Whistling .]
All right, who did it? 'Fess up or I start calling parents! - What were you thinking, Silas? - I-I'm sorry, Mr.
Dante.
They-They said you wouldn't care because your expectations for a fair deal have been dulled after years spent at this soul-crushing, less-than-minimum-wage hellhole.
You got me there.
But where did you get this stuff? Step right up and throw down some bucks at Jay and Silent Bob's TNT-Redux! Naga-nooch! I'm a poet and I didn't even know it, Silent Bob.
Snoogans.
Are you crazy? These kids could really hurt themselves with this stuff.
Hurt themselves? Heck, man, they could blow their hands off! See this? This is an M-80, my brother.
A quarter stick of dynamite, which means four of these bad boys equals, like, two sticks of dynamite, man.
Are you sure I'm ready, Doctor? I don't know if it's safe or not yet.
What did we learn, Albert? It's safe.
It's very safe.
- [ Screaming .]
- [ Explosion .]
Beat it, before I call the cops.
Come on, Silent Bob.
Let's go find that kid in the helmet.
He's loaded.
Oh, my God! Call the cops! I just freed myself from a madman's subterranean prison! He's been holding me captive, which is why I'm a little late opening the video store.
I can describe the dank cage for police artists.
There were walls, there were doors.
[ Sobbing .]
I can't relive it.
Don't make me! I'm begging you! - What are you doing here? - It seems someone told the boss I needed to work more hours for college credits.
- Wasn't me.
- I didn't say it was.
- Well, that's good, because I-- All right, it was me.
- Very smooth.
This guy's been waiting all morning.
How about you go open up the video store and earn your keep? "Earn your keep.
" You talk like such a 'mo sometimes.
- You, move it.
- You're three hours late.
And so are these.
There's gonna be a late charge.
Hey, hey, hey! I'm walking here! I haven't seen panic like this since they renewed Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Parlor.
[ Announcer .]
Wednesdays at 8:00 on ABC.
- What's going on? - Don't you know? - He has returned! - Uh-oh.
Jesus? Better! - Leonardo Leonardo has returned! - [ Door Bell Ringing .]
- And he is? - You've never heard of Leonardo Leonardo? Hey, man, we've got our fingers on the pulse of this community.
So I ask you, who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo? [ Woman .]
Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo? It's a question asked by the poorly educated with fingers far from the pulse of the community.
- You're poorly educated.
- You're talking to the television.
[ Woman Continues .]
It all began in the early 1800s, when Leonardo's great grandfather, Bernardo Leonardo, bought our town from the Indians for 14.
8 million dollars.
But it was Leonardo Leonardo himself who led his now-legendary expedition into the fabled Canadas, long thought to be uninhabitable by evolved man, and brought it to its knees.
[ All Screaming .]
And he soon accumulated the vast Leonardo fortune by acquiring Canadian mineral rights in exchange for the debilitating polio virus.
Ouch! But what could Leonardo's homecoming have to do with the mysterious tented structure that has captured our imaginations over the last few minutes? That's new.
- [ Bones Cracking .]
- [ All Gasping .]
Okay, good.
Now remember, L.
L.
, we've got two minutes for the intro if you're going to make your 12:30 with Access Hollywood.
We couldn't get Entertainment Tonight? Hmm.
- Simple folk of Leonardo, - [ Microphone Feedback .]
- I have returned! - [ Applause .]
After years abroad and seeing all there is to see in New Jersey, schooled at Eton and Oxford, New Jersey, I am come to stay! Behold! Leonardo Tower! I find it hard to believe that no one noticed that either.
It looks like a big bong.
Hey, that looks like a big bong too.
For too long, the miserable corner store has been a haven for ludicrous price-gouging and rude, poorly trained clerks-- - You think he's talking about us? - No.
with names like Dante and Handel.
- Randal! - Today marks the dawn of a new era.
I give you, the people of Leonardo, the future! [ Man Coughing .]
It's a new convenience store! Quicker Stop! - Eh? Yes? - [ Applause .]
This doesn't bode well.
"Quicker Stop.
" I don't get it.
Now, that's the ugliest damn bong I've ever seen.
[ Dante .]
Look at this place.
[ Leonardo Over Speaker .]
Welcome to Quicker Stop, the home of convenience and quality, only quicker.
Plus, a selection of high-end adult magazines.
While you're here, shop in our best-seller department, complete with its own coffee bar.
Or drop by our music shop, also with its own coffee bar.
Or perhaps you'd rather visit our international coffee bar, complete with its own little book department, which has its own super-teeny-tiny coffee bar inside and a selection of tiny adult magazines.
And finally, as you enter the Hall of Mirrors, you might notice you're not alone.
For you see, I'm shopping with you.
[ Screaming .]
The dead live! [ Screaming .]
- [ Screaming .]
- Sir, your change.
Phase One complete! [ Chuckles, Sighs .]
- I think we're in trouble.
- I don't.
[ Randal .]
We're ruined.
Ruined! What are we gonna do? Help us.
We're going to starve.
Uh, the guy who owns the butcher shop? No, listen.
"We're ruined! Who will feed my children? They're dying!" Ohh! Mr.
Scinto, the card shop guy.
Bingo.
You know, I always said this job would be great if it weren't for the customers.
That Quicker Stop is the best thing that ever happened to us.
- I'm startin' to agree.
- [ Telephone Ringing .]
- Yeah? Okay.
- [ Voice Speaking Rapidly .]
Boss says he's shuttin' the store permanently.
The video store too.
What? Why? I have no idea, but I've got a plan.
This is your plan? "Pay as you exit"? Isn't that what the customers were doing already? Kind of.
I guess.
Shut up.
"Pay as you exit.
" Sweet deal.
You're right, Silent Bob.
Besides, we've got some bad news that's gonna rock their feeble clerk world.
- I can't even imagine.
- Listen up.
We quit.
- You don't work here.
- Not anymore we don't.
This is an official notice.
From now on, Silent Bob and I will be officially standing in front of the Quicker Stop.
Officially.
- We'll be over here if anyone comes looking for us.
- Okay.
- Just send them over.
- Fine.
- Hey, either of youse guys wanna buy some fireworks? - No, thanks.
- So, now what? - Hmm.
Okay, that comes to 37 cents.
- I have a coupon.
- Nineteen cents.
[ Beeping .]
L.
L.
? Uh-- [ Clears Throat .]
L.
L.
? I don't understand these instructions.
It didn't look like this in the catalog.
Sir, I'd be happy to order you a desk.
Maybe a nice antique one.
Hmm? Why don't I just throw my money out the window? Hmm? I think I'll stick with Ikea.
The Blork.
Bleached oak.
Seventy-nine dollars.
Now, where did I put that dowel? - Sir, the Quick Stop sales have spiked over 1000%.
- Let me see that! Bring this Quick Stop to me.
- Sir, it's a store.
- Bring it! How about the two kids who run it instead? All right for now.
Gentlemen, welcome.
Thank you for accepting my invitation.
What do you think of my desk? I made it myself.
And I have all these pieces left.
Uh, it's great.
- You think so? - Sure.
- Right, Randal? - It's a piece of crap.
[ Laughing .]
Very good.
It looks like it was built by a "re-re.
" Delicious.
It does, doesn't it? [ Forced Chuckle .]
And this whole stupid building in the shape of an "L.
" Why? In case you forget your initials? That was uncalled-for.
Man, what is the matter with you? Despite Mr.
Hicks' lashing out, I want to offer you a job working here for me.
I want you lock, stock and barrel.
- Is this some sort of gay thing? - No.
- You're sure? - Yes.
I'll start you both in my management trainee program, which includes medical, stock options and full enrollment at Rutgers College while you train.
- College? - [ Man .]
Sir, it's your call from Canada.
I'm sorry.
The window for getting a call into Canada is only open once a week.
Mr.
Leo! Mr.
Leo! [ Loudly .]
Good day, Your Highness! - I don't believe it.
- I know.
College.
It's a dream.
- How could he take a phone call in the middle of our meeting? - Oh, no.
No, it's not evil spirits.
It's just rain.
Rain! Fine.
Try and kill it.
Children.
Now, where were we? I've got news for you, Leonardo Leonardo, and the headline is "Shove it.
" We don't want your fancy, life-changing, career-starting, moving-out-of-my-parents'-house college education.
We're happy at the Quick Stop.
I see.
Well played.
It was a mistake to think that I could buy you.
- No, it wasn't.
- Oh, that boat has sailed.
Soon, your store and all the other stores in Leonardo will be gone, and you will wake up to find that downtown Leonardo has been replaced by a north-of-the-border theme store! - No! Wait.
What? - No! Canadian goods, available in the States for the first time.
- That doesn't seem so bad.
- Not yet! But then, Leonardo will become the premiere tourist destination in Jersey, and that will lead to Phase Two: A domed pleasure paradise! - It's just an empty table.
- Well, the dome model is coming tomorrow.
- Sure it is.
- No, really.
I ordered it yesterday.
- From where? - A store.
It's in Canada.
You've probably never heard of it.
[ Cat Screeching .]
I'll bet he never ordered the dome.
- You know, he offered us college.
- Don't you get it? I've never seen anything more clearly in my life.
Leonardo Leonardo must be destroyed! [ Leonardo .]
I can hear you, you know.
It was Dante.
That was a fun day.
[ Car Departing .]
[ Dante .]
What exactly are we doing here again? We need evidence to expose Leonardo, and there's only one place to get it.
Come on, old chum.
We're almost there.
Why are we walking like this? [ Grunting .]
This is better? - What are you doing? - When Cortez reached the New World, he burned his boats to encourage his men.
- So? - I'm sure we'll find a way out.
There.
- The Maze of Death.
- What? - What about that one over there? - That could be anything.
I think we should go with that maze thing.
- The Maze of Death? - That's the one.
- Let's go.
[ Screaming .]
- [ Screaming .]
Oh, God.
We made it.
- I thought the Minotaur had you.
- And that Billy Crystal/Robin Williams movie? - [ Shuddering .]
- [ Jay .]
Ew! Youse girls wanna be alone? How did you get into Leonardo's office? - Who the hell's Leonardo? - What are you doing here? Lookin' for M-80s.
Duh.
What are youse guys doin' here? Looking for something we can use against Leonardo.
Hey, this outlines every stage of Leonardo's plan, point by point.
Let's go.
- Is there a quicker way out of here? - Out of where? Good God, that last scene was quick.
Stop the meeting! - We have evidence.
- Leonardo Leonardo is trying to turn the town into a-- A domed pleasure resort town where the people of Leonardo will work underground as mindless slave drones and live off the crumbs of the rich.
[ Crowd Chanting .]
Crumbs! Crumbs! Crumbs! Yea! - Do something.
- Wait.
There's more Leonardo isn't telling you.
Listen to this.
Phase Three: Flooding the underground and drowning all the workers.
But then who will operate the machinery to keep the pleasure dome running? Phase Four: An army of robot workers to replace the slaves.
But what if the robots united and rebelled against Leonardo? Phase Five: An army of highly intelligent apes move in and quell the robot insurrection.
But what if the apes are pacifists? Phase 24: The virus, while not affecting anyone in the dome, destroys all the chickens.
That may well be, but where will he get eggs? Phase 39: Robot chickens.
Phase 63: The dome launches into space and nukes the earth from orbit.
It's the only way to be sure.
My God! Leonardo is a monster! - We have to stop him! - Wait a second.
Do you live in Leonardo? No, New York City.
I'm on my way to the beach, and I stopped to use the bathroom.
- I guess it's kind of our last night.
- Let's do something special.
- Pfeifer? - Pfeifer.
[ Man On TV .]
And now it's time for America's number one TV show, The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeifer, on America's number one network, UPN! President Lincoln, someone is trying to open a new Whiter House of the future right across the street and drive us out of business.
I've seen this one 1000 times.
It won a Humanitas.
- What's that? - An award for TV shows that don't use words like "retarded.
" That's retarded and queer.
Hey, this is the one where Jefferson Jefferson tries to destroy Washington by opening a White House of the future.
- A classic.
- Totally classic Pfeifer.
Wait a second.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Urinating in the frozen food section and watching it steam up? Oh, yeah.
No! Desmond Pfeifer.
It's just like us and Leonardo Leonardo.
It is strikingly similar.
The only difference is if Desmond lost, he'd go back to being a slave.
You're right.
The stakes are much higher for us.
All we have to do is what Desmond did to stop Leonardo.
Now, watch.
First, Desmond wears a dress and pretends to be a rich widow.
Then-- - It worked.
- Get these handcuffs off me.
We've got you, Leonardo.
Your confederate plans are thwarted! And I bet you're shocked to see your beloved fiancee is none other than I, Randal.
- I knew it all the time.
- Ew.
You may have won this round, but as long as Quicker Stop still stands, I win.
Oh, man.
We forgot.
Desmond blows up the White House of the future.
Youse guys wanna buy some fireworks? Nice dress.
- How did you find out about the plan? - What plan? I hope there are no hard feelings, sir.
Well played, clerks.
I underestimated you once, but never again.
I vow that my vengeance won't be swift or entertaining.
I will draw it out over decades in such a subtle fashion that you'll have to wonder whether the misery in your life is either manifest or the machinations of Leonardo Leonardo or a third thing.
Good evening.
You know, you and I are far fonder of this town than we ever let on.
And even "farrer" fonder of our crappy jobs.
Go figure.
Tonight, we showed more pluck and industriousness than we've ever thought ourselves capable of.
We were able to affect major change in our lives.
Things will never be the same again! - Can you guys Vulcanize tires while I wait yet? - No.
[ Scoffs .]
Haven't you guys learned anything? [ Clears Throat .]
Me and Silent Bob would just like to announce that we'll now be officially hanging out in front of these stores again.
Officially.
Oh, yes.
Snooch to the nooch.
- Let's turn in so we can start hiking early.
- Shouldn't we clean up? - Nah, let's just leave it for the morning.
- [ Jay .]
Hold it, kids.
[ Girl .]
Oh, my God! It's Jay and Silent Bob.
- Hi.
I'm Jay.
- And I'm Silent Bob.
And I'm Charles Barkley.
What the hell are you doing here? Kids, if Silent Bob could talk, he'd remind you that when you're camping, it's always smart to tie your food up in the trees at night so as not to attract bears.
- Word.
- Wow.
Let's do it.
Thanks, Jay.
Thanks, Silent Bob.
- Sure.
- No problem.
- So the next time you're camping-- - Bear this tip in mind.