Clone High (2002) s01e11 Episode Script

1 Previously on a very special Clone High: Joan got a new roommate.
Abe and Cleo continued to date.
And Gandhi became an inmate.
Here's a paper plate.
Way way back in the 1980s' Secret government employees Dug up famous guys and ladies And made amusing genetic copies Now the clones are sexy teens, now They're gonna make it if they try Loving learning challenge judging Time to laugh and shiver and Cry Clone High, Clone High Dear family and friends, is it possible a year has passed since my last impersonal, informative, photocopied holiday update.
I can hardly believe it's only been a year, since the United Nations abolished religious holidays in favour of the all-inclusive, non-offensive, Snowflake Day.
Well this blows.
Oh my god, Snowflake Day is almost here! Snowflake Jake, this holiday's mascot, will come to my house and bring me spices upon spices! Oh, joyous day.
What do you have against Snowflake Day, anyway? It's not like all of those exclusive religious holidays like Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa Ooh, it's time for the ceremonial lighting of the snowman! Jolly Snowflake Day, Joan.
Would you like a bite of my lamb taco? It's just not Snowflake Day without a lamb taco.
Cripes! Why is everyone so cripes darn cheerful? Well, you better be cheerful at my annual Snowflake Day party, because those crackers won't hand out themselves.
I can't wait.
Neither can I, Joan! We're all going to exchange Snowflake Day care satchels! Speaking of which, Abe, I can't wait for my big, expensive Snowflake Day gift.
Oh, don't worry, Cleo! I'll get you the best gift ever! A clamp to keep her legs closed? No, even better than that! Where am I gonna get money to buy Cleo a good present? Have a Bar Mitzvah dude, you get made stacks! Sounds sweet, but I think I'm gonna do the Christian thing: Get a job.
Right on.
Both Bill Gates and Will Smith have jobs, and they're millionaires! To jobs! It's the most lucrative tiiime of the yeeeaar! Voice of an angel, baby.
- An angel! - Gay dads, enough fawning! We gotta get my annual Snowflake Day album done! Deck the deck with gay apparel, fala lala lala Gay apparel like the pants you know? Dude, this blows.
I don't know how Bill Gates and Will Smith do this.
Come on, Gandhi! Two more hours, and we'll've paid for the mall parking! I need a fork! Always with the utensils! And mayhaps a knife as well? Every time! I have to make two trips! "Can I have a fork?" "Can I have a knife?" Jeez! Every time.
Lincoln, we need those plates right now! Gandhi, traditional Snowflake Sombrero dance, pronto! What a jerk! Napoleon's got some sort of a complex.
I don't know what it is, but man! Groin fire! We eat our mistakes here, Monsieur Abe! But I dropped a glass! Eat it! EAT IT! (Speaks French) Whaat? Abe, if I said we could be millionaires, would you quit with me right now? I'll give it some serious consideration.
Now, jump on me back, and whisper yer wish for spices in me ear.
If you don't fill my rack with cumin this year, I swear to God I'll get you fired! Yo ho ho.
You'll get yer wish, ya booger.
Get off me back, or I'll murder yer grandparents.
Why do I take this job every year? Now, go empty me chum bucket.
It's starting to smell like a day old hooker.
I hate you, you nasty, crap eating monkey! Arr.
I'll tell you what spice she's got! Sassafras! I hate this stupid holiday! Don't say that, Joan.
And, I could've used that chum.
Sorry, I didn't realise you-- How'd you know my name? I don't know your name.
I call everyone Joan.
It's like saying dude, or bro, or in your case, Joan of Arc.
But, that's not important right now.
What is important is that you continue to spread the Snowflake Day spirit.
Snowflake Day sucks! All those kids are so greedy! "Oh give me some spices!" "I'm fat!" "I want some parsley!" Lucky kids with their spices.
I have to eat the salt they sprinkle on the roads when the ice freezes.
Who cares about spices and seasonings and traditional snowflake meats? Snowflake Day is just another made up holiday, courtesy of the greeting card industry, just like Valentine's Day and Easter.
I can take her out right now.
You know for many, this season is about giving.
So um, can I have fifty cents so I can eat today? Ugh! See? Even you, a homeless person, greedy and selfish! Well, if it's spices everybody wants, I'll pepper their precious Snowflake Day, with a little slice of sabotage pie.
Joan of Arc style! Hey, are you Mandy Moore? Me? No.
This mic? Doesn't even work.
So You're just an incredibly hot homeless person? You'd be surprised at how many ab machines you find in dumpsters.
Plus I have a trainer.
In addition to my crippling bunions of last year, I have also been diagnosed with corns.
But in this happy season, we all have to be thankful.
Thankful that the plantar warts in my other foot, have been removed.
Save one.
I call him Gary, and he's part of the family now! He'd better buy me a good present! It's perfect! It's half knife, half fork.
Like the spork.
Vincent Spork took home a Nobel for that baby! Mm-hm.
And now people don't have to hold a fork and a knife to cut, then switch hands to eat their sweet meat.
They can just use one brilliant tool.
Like you, Gandhi.
A brilliant tool.
Exactly! Hey, why're you bleeding, dawg? Well, the knife portion seems to have sliced open my cheek.
How about a sliding plastic sheath to cover up the blade when the fork portion is in use? Okay, we're just gonna need a system of ball bearings to make the sheath slide! But it'll need to be counterstabilised.
I'm thinkin' Trigger assembly! Jinx! Should we have a strap to hold down the meat when we cut it, or Velcro? Oh, Velcro.
Definitely.
And there's only one solution for the oscillating serrated edge.
Coal power! Get out of my head! You get out of my head! I gotta hand it to you, the foot pedal and the popsicle sticks really worked! We're gonna be rich, Gandhi! I'm gonna be able to buy Cleo the best gift ever! Now, as far as the name, I was thinking Knifork.
- Bladeforker! - Utensil! - Sir Slicenspere! - Fike! Knork! Oh my God! - Fantastic! - Awesome! Come on man, we rehearsed this.
Sorry.
We now return to Snowflake Jake Saves Snowflake Day.
Arr.
Any last words, Santy Claus, Dreidelstein and King Kwanzaa? It be time for you, and your exclusionary holidays, to walk to the plank.
Jake! Don't kill us! We've realised that the harmless celebration of our religions is oppressive! Dreidelstein sorry.
Gimel.
Your way is right, and our way is wrong.
Oh, not wrong.
Just specific.
And specificity be the enemy of unity.
Now, let us all join in a traditional All Religions Are Equally Valid Traditional Snowflake Day Celebratory Cabbage Patch.
Ugh! I can't believe you guys watch that Snowflake Day crap! I may be blind, but I can still see you're losing your Snowflake Day spirit, girl.
You know Snowflake Jake might not shoot us by his cannonball at our party if youcontinue to act so ill mannered! Who cares? I'm not going to the stupid party anyway! But my presence, will be felt.
Oh yes, oh yes, my presence, will be felt.
But you have to come to my party! You're serving the crackers! Where else am I gonna get a cracker girl at this late hour? Um Fourth and Maple? Oh relax, this music sure is putting me in the mood.
Oh course it is.
It's JFK Sings The Er, Uh, Snowflake Day Hits! Away in a taco, no spice for my lamb Snowflake Snowflake Snowflake, I made you out of snow.
Jerky balls, jerky balls, jerky beef jer-ky.
Jerky balls, tasty balls, balls of meat, jerk so sweet.
It's a Jeff Foxworthy Redneck Snowflake Daaay! More brandy, dear? No thanks.
I'm pregnant! Get your album here! See dude, that's called marketing.
Marketing brings the coin.
Marketing, ehhh? Ladies and gentlemen! Witness the miracle utensil, that's sweeping the exotic nation, of Europe.
You, ma'am! Why are you all deformed? Oh, it's the saddest story, medical expert.
I have this hideous deformity from hunching over a plate using two utensils, for lo these many years.
A knife and fork.
- Ma'am, have you ever tried a knork? - A hwhaaat? - Knork knork.
- Who's there? A knork.
Half knife, half fork.
That would cut my silverware budget in half! No to mention the toughest beef briscuit! I can walk again! I say, let us all purchase this miracle! I agree with the dandy.
Hmm Great device.
That's quite a unit! Why, even a child can use it.
Come here, giant boy! Just pump the gas valve with your foot there, pull out the choke, and like magic, the knork begins to-- Oh, I think it's in an artery, oh oh, oh God it's inside me now! Joany, are you putting itching powder into the eye patches? I may be blind, but I can still tell when somebody's trying to sabotage Snowflake Day.
I hate Snowflake Day! Congratulations, Joan.
You just got yourself a one way ticket to Snowflake Jake's ill-mannered list! Remember when you were a kid? And you used to do your traditional Cabbage Patching? Cabbage Patch with us, Joan.
Come on! No! I hate this family! I'm running away and never coming back! That's the spirit, Joany.
You sure can Cabbage Patch.
That's right.
She's lost her Snowflake Day spirit.
Sure as shootin' she's lost it.
And after fifty-two hours, I finally passed the stone.
And in the end, isn't that what Snowflake Day, is really about? Hello, Joan.
Oh, it's you.
That sexy dumpster teen.
I know that you're running away from home after sabotaging Cleo's party.
It's just that I hate her, and she's dating the boy I love, and I have to live with her because me and Toots' house burned down, and I hate her! Wait.
How'd you know that? I can see it in your heart.
Joan, your family misses you.
They're worried about you.
Joany! Joany! Come back home, girl.
I knew you'd come back! That's a good Joany.
It's alright, I'm just happy you're home.
Now follow me.
I'll show you something about Snowflake Day And yourself.
I don't know.
Toots told me I shouldn't let homeless people show me things.
Come with me.
And I'll forever change your life.
Forever.
- Are you sure you're not Mandy Moo-- - No.
Seriously? Because you really-- Get off of my back, okay? Leave me alone, I already said no, are you stupid or something? You ruined my life, knork! Who would've thought a get rich quick scheme wouldn't work? I told you we should've made a spife! So you're out twenty thousand dollars.
Just make Cleo something from your heart.
The ocean has nothing on your deep blue eyes And the sunshine is jealous of your smile.
so how could I ignore all the feelings I have for - Dinger! I just hard to find a way to let you know - Art, you've done it again.
You took me to this dump to show me the Snowflake Day spirit? This is no dump.
It's your old house.
The one that burnt down.
Welcome home, Joan.
Welcome home.
I didn't know poor people could have fun! They have the Snowflake Day spirit, Joan.
These people don't need spices or silks or a balanced diet to have the joy of the season.
They just need each other.
So you find the Snowflake Day spirit when you hang out with the homeless? Yes and no.
More like you find it when you hang out with your friends.
Be they homeless, or homed.
My goodness, it's true! I've abandoned my family and friends, I've slashed their tyres and urinated in their punch I realise now, I've lost the Snowflake Day spirit! Sure as shootin', I've lost it! Someone has slipped laxatives into these lamb tacos! Oh my god, you guys, someone put goat's blood on the doorjamb.
Bad Joany! Bad bad bad, Joany! First you sabotage the party, now you're chewing through my Achilles tendon! And you know my Achilles tendon is my one Achilles' heal! Everyone, it is now time for the traditional Snowflake care satchel exchange! Cleo, we've been together for a long time.
Almost four weeks.
And that's why I wanted to give you this.
It's a love coupon book! One free snuggle, one backrub, see that's your silhouette in macaroni! And those pipe cleaners are-- I'm confused.
Why didn't you just buy me something expensive? But I stayed up all night making this.
Well you should've stayed up all night buying me an expensive present.
Now I'm not sure if you deserve this, but here.
A knork? A KNORK?! I got it at the Sharper Image.
LIIIEEES! You just pulled this out of the garbage! This junk gift had absolutely no thought or meaning! Well, you didn't say what you wanted! I clearly stated that I wanted something that was A, expensive, B, bought, and C, not lovingly hand crafted! I see.
I guess you're not the person I thought you were.
I'm going to get some bite sized wieners now.
Bite sized wieners! Who put razor blades in these? Why does my mouth keep getting cut up?! Whhhhy?! Homeless! I'm back, family and friends! Joany! I thought you were dead! I shot you for biting me so much.
Oh Toots.
Everyone, I've got something really important to say.
Don't drink the punch! These derelicts taught me something today.
Snowflake Day is not about greediness, or ruining parties.
It's about being with friends, and family.
And realising what you're got.
- So that's what this is all about.
- This punch is amazing! You know what, Abe? It doesn't matter that you got me a crappy present.
I'm happy to have you, as a backup gift.
And I'll give you your backup present later.
You mean? That's right.
I'm gonna show you my left boob.
Oh Pancho, finally we will meet.
Now, new friends and old, let us unite, and celebrate Snowflake Day! Everyone! Cabbage Patch! Hark! Snowflake Jake is nigh! I can hear his cannonballs a-comin'! He is real! He is real! Step away from the target, or you'll get hit.
Everyone into the basement! Hurry it up now, in you go.
To the basement! Can you believe it? Snowflake Jake? I wished for curry! Look, everyone.
It's snowing outside.
Where'd that hot homeless chick who may or may not've been Mandy Moore go? - I don't know.
- Maybe she had a gig.
She just disappeared.
So she wasn't Mandy Moore.
She was an angel! An angel all along.
Well jolly Snowflake Day, angel! Jolly Snowflake Day everyone! Jolly Snowflake Day everyone! Next week, on a very special Clone High.
Joan gets a makeover.
Gandhi gets a makeover.
Principal Scudworth gets a makeover? And old Abe stays the same.
loveable.
Maybe I'll get a wax or something.