Cockroaches (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Mm.
A hideous monster burst from the shadows and sat on my face.
BTW, this black pudding is lush! You must give me the recipe, garçon.
Well, I mix some ash with a pint of my own blood.
Come on, everyone cooks with their own fluids.
She's been recycling asparagus for years.
God bless that persistent vegetable.
Hold him, hold him! Bite, bite! Those children have literally no concept of special effects.
Why did you terrify them? Because Alien's got a moral.
Which is? Don't fly to space.
Look at Laura.
She's in shock.
- That was the coolest thing ever.
- Hell, yeah! What's the problem? At her age, I was watching terrifying films.
The Klumps.
Eddie Murphy What happened? But Laura's already living in a horror film.
I mean, her favourite food is your black pudding.
Anyway, shouldn't you be organising a trip to the supermarket? - Our food's going to run out in three days.
- I've been extremely busy.
The kids weren't going to scar themselves for life.
- So when are you leaving, then? - Me leave? The supermarket's in cannibal country.
I don't want to be turned into a kebab.
Plus, with all due respect, there's only one man I'd trust leading a mission to the supermarket.
- And who's that? - The only man who knows where it is.
Looks like I'm back in the game.
Gentlemen.
Welcome to Operation Supermarket Sweep.
Does that make you Dale Winton? Yes, and I'm liberated by that.
You and this dipshit will be travelling to the most dangerous, inhospitable place on Earth.
And I will be right behind you Well, here, at home, in the old eagle's nest.
So let's start by establishing what each of you bring.
What are your unique skills? - I'm Banksy.
- Not you.
I'm slightly surprisingly good at jumping.
Like, if you looked at me and then you saw me jump, you'd be like, oh, I'm relatively impressed.
You know the word "merk"? I invented it.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
That means literally nothing but it's the kind of shit they say in action films.
You're my deputy.
Keep your eye and ears on this one.
Are you sure, boss? He's a shifty old bugger is Tracy.
Well, he talks the talk.
But I can burp half the alphabet.
- Why only half? - I can't remember the rest.
God, you're weird.
Right, any other skills? - I'm really, really quiet.
- O K.
What's the biggest danger you guys face? Wandering hands.
Guilty.
My hands.
Now, let's stir in the mushrooms.
Take a five-minute break, everyone.
Go on.
Hi! Grazie.
Goss.
Me, Me, Me.
Yeah, I forgot how much I enjoy being made to feel inadequate.
Because, what, the perfect woman fellates utensils? Any luck with the food? I'm down to my last handful of woodlice.
- Well, Felix caught some rabbits.
- Brilliant.
- Um, is there a recipe? - I usually boil them.
- Oh, you boil rabbits? - Yep.
You're a bunny boiler? Yes.
Oh, wow! The radiation's gone to town on those guys.
The mandibles are poisonous but there are some people that consider the third eye a delicacy.
Right, that's it.
I'm going to the supermarket.
You are such a cliché.
Oooh, why are they making hats? Gives them pride in their uniform.
OK, boss, I think we're about done.
OK, boys.
Let's see 'em.
Now, the thinking is, we're dressed as ghosts.
- So we can scare our enemies.
- Oooh Why don't you just carry a burning cross? Burning cross.
Are you all morons? Just take your helmets off.
And just to clarify, is that a yes or no to the burning cross? No.
I think it's a no.
Come on.
Aftershave? No spray, no lay.
No splash, no gash.
No scent, no quent.
Medieval for pussy.
- Haven't you a toilet to dig? - I ain't going to be on bog watch for ever.
But in the meantime, hope you like sucking up the smell of my bum cigars.
- Let's get in the shower, Laura.
- I don't want to shower with you.
- Why are you behaving like this? - I want my independence.
- You can't even spell independence.
- Yes, I can.
It's spelt Me, Me, Me.
And I am a fun fearless female.
It's freezing! Oh, come on, it's not that cold.
Not that cold? Don't take this the wrong way but I haven't even got a semi.
Yeah, I know, it's not really doing you any favours.
All right.
So when are you going to the supermarket? What, me personally? Never.
It's dangerous, boring and there's still a chance I'd have to use a self-checkout machine.
Fine.
If you won't go, I will.
No way are you going with Oscar.
Well, someone's got to supervise him.
I've got an amazing team lined up.
Seriously, one of them can jump relatively far.
You trust those morons and perverts with such an important job? Er, I'll have you know that those "perverts" are some of the most trustworthy people I've ever met.
Hello.
Get out of here, man.
My bad.
Well, credit where credit's due.
That guy is really quiet.
Lolly? Ambassador.
No, suck on it, don't chew.
That's what I told her.
Right! That's it, I'm coming to that supermarket.
- Can I have a hug? - No, because I'm a daddy's girl.
Can I have some money, please? - I think you've had enough of these.
- OMG, this is a total mare.
I need these to look fabulous! If I go to the supermarket, can you keep an eye on her? Oh, both eyes.
And talking of eyes Beware of Tracy.
She's a heartbreaker.
Road trip, motherfuckers! See, I think it should be us keeping an eye on them, m'lady.
How d'you fancy a little adventure? My only regret in life is I can't be my own wife To feel what it's like to make love to me - Ah, yeah! - Here's an idea.
Can you sing something really, really quiet, like quiet instrumental folk music? I don't listen to white people.
Other than Robin Thicke.
Blurred Lines - we've all been there! Wow.
You've got a great voice.
Don't you recognise this face? Spiteful factory woman in the Les Mis Plymouth Theatre Royal ensemble 2012 to '13? I don't like The prostitutes have no bread Because they have no work.
I don't like musicals.
Where did she even find a flag? Do you remember at school when we did that musical Cats? Yes, I played Macavity the Mystery Cat and, yes, I wore leggings.
Get over it.
My dad did.
Eventually.
Oh, my gosh, you were moist.
Well, I didn't see you out there, wowing the crowds.
That's cos I was backstage, wowing Suze.
OK.
Cats.
I'm trying to think of something funny to say about your pussy.
Yeah, I know you are.
You know what I do remember? Our first date.
Went to the arcade, played Night Of The Living Dead.
- Which one? - Three.
Yeah, with the pump-action shotguns.
That's a pretty good date.
Then I fingered you round the back of Time Crisis II.
- Kill me.
- Happy days.
My very own fur coat! Do you think the bunnies minded? No! Flopsie and Mopsie told me fashion comes first, just before I skinned them.
Can I accessorise it with some crocodile-skin boots? Could we compromise on some socks made out of adder? It's all right, I've got your back, boo.
See those building and shit? Them's the cannibals' ends.
What do we do? There's a route round back.
But we're going to have to be quiet as a Rastamouse.
Oh, my God! Irie, bruv.
Irie.
Jesus.
Chaka Demus and Pliers.
Reminds me of that party when I couldn't figure out the privacy settings on Facebook.
When someone crapped in your parents' bath? Classic.
They never did catch the Brown Pimpernel.
OK, let's spread out.
Whoa, wait? Let's get out of here.
Look for food, clothes and water.
- Move in twos.
- Move in threes.
Oh, my fucking God! Hello, boys and toys.
Please don't kill me.
Who are you? - Stevie Giggle! - What? Kids' TV show.
The Giggle Twins! No kids, you're not seeing double! I'm Stevie, he's Sammy, and we're here to cause Trouble.
Whatever sticky-icky it is that you're smoking, please can I have a puff? How do you not recognise Stevie Giggle? - If our mother could see us now! - That's the one.
- What did you do as a kid? - Not watch every TV show ever made.
- Too busy fingering? - I didn't finger anyone.
Incorrect.
Fabric.
2008.
You.
Me.
Poppers.
- Oh, yeah.
- Spare me.
Mate, this is an honour.
Me and my sister used to play Giggle Twins, like argue who gets to be Sammy.
Sammy? But I had the balloon tricks! Yeah, and they were kind of racist.
Black balloons, yellow balloons Oh, my God.
It was the '80s.
It was a different time.
- Where is your brother? - He wasn't my brother.
We were lovers.
Non-exclusive.
OK, you've just blown my mind.
- Can I meet him? - He's over there.
- You ate him? - Rock, paper, scissors.
Sammy was a gentleman.
Didn't try to Jew his way out of it No, not Jew.
A Jew is a person, not a verb.
That was a different time.
Really? I've heard of dead man's shoes, but dead man's boxers? You've been going commando for a year.
Don't act like it's not more comfortable.
What happened here, man? This is some gangsta shit.
They came Who? Them.
The gays? These weren't gays, la.
They're called The Spectrum.
Good with numbers, bad with people, like Rain Man? Nah, these weren't men.
They're birds.
Yats did this? That's right.
Lots of murderous women.
- Were they fit? - Fit? They were terrifying.
A savage stampede of women.
Hoarse, greedy animal cries escaping from their blood-stained lips.
Sounds like Boxing Day in Primark.
Well, obviously it wasn't that bad, but it was still pretty scary.
Listen, if I wanted to, like, swerve 'em, could I come with you lads? - Definitely - Definitely not.
I've still got my magical goody bag.
Come here, boys and toys! Who wants to wear a Chinaman's hat? You'll have to do better than that.
This is our communications centre.
Me and Sammy were qualified electricians.
The TV career had its ups and downs.
Mostly downs.
This is insane.
We used this transmitter to search for other settlements.
That's how the Spectrum found us.
These yats? What was their beef? They wanted us to take their drugs.
They've got drugs? Swagnificent.
- Will they come back? - Why do you think I was hiding? Oh, let's get out of here, Tom.
Right after you've tried on these boxers.
- Girls' night! - Oh, yeah! Hot water bottle, madam? These have come out a treat.
OK.
So, erm It says we should talk about boys we fancy.
Fancy boys? Not me.
I'm as straight as a die.
Never find me going for a night-time stroll down the "badger sets" of Bristol.
No-one ever called me the Jolly Pink Giant.
Then we tell each other secrets.
OK, I'm gay.
There, I said it! God, that's a weight off my shoulders.
Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me.
Until Twitter turns us into frenemies.
- You are my best friend.
- You're my best friend too.
Breaks my heart that you'll never see Ronan Keating sing.
Oscar! Oscar Louder, Randal.
Oscar.
Come on, man.
We're all, we're all waiting for you, dude.
You're holding us up.
Don't bother.
Tell The Spectrum we'll be wearing red.
Impressive Morse Code, Tracy.
- Can we slow down, Felix? - No can do.
Oscar's taken your folks on a different road.
We've lost 'em.
Oh, this shit just got real.
Look at that.
Jackpot.
How did you make it start? Oh, I used to be a very bad man.
Now, would you like a driving lesson? Buttercups.
I'm just going to pick some for Laura.
How is this hedgerow still full of porn? Cos come the internet, nuclear apocalypse, hell or high water, there will always be one man who prefers wanking alfresco.
And I think that's kind of beautiful.
Look! The supermarket.
Now dat is a buttercup.
Oi, Macavity, come and lend us a paw.
Whoops-a-Jay-Z.
Here, take this.
You'll need it more than me.
- Why? - When I'm busy chirpsing Suze.
That's the wrong guy! It's this one! What the fuck's going on? Tracy! Get off! Oscar! Stop it! Ow! Get off me! No! - Where did he take her? - In there.
- The Spectrum? - Aye.
Have you got a weapon? How's about this, boys and toys? A balloon sword.
Why did you give it a bell-end? Old habits die hard.
Die Hard! Stevie, you're brilliant.
- Know how to commando roll? - No.
Watch and learn, my friend.
Tracy, you wait outside.
Me and Suze need a parlay.
And possibly some make-up sex.
Help me with this.
Why don't we just break down the door? Because Bruce Willis always travels by air vent.
Textbook.
- You first.
- But you've got an arrow in your shoulder.
What? - You can't hate me for loving you, Suze.
- You're my perfect woman.
Your perfect woman? Oh, God, oh, God, why I do I always fall for the bad boy? Oh, Susie, I Hey! Tracy.
Listen, we can work this out.
- What's Oscar promised you? - Women.
OK, but what about our community? The self-sufficiency, the friendship, the humble toil? Women.
Stop! Tina can't beat Ike.
That just ain't hip-hop.
Shut up, you complete and utter poppers-guzzling quent! God, you're quiet.
It's time I started using these powers for good.
Cue Nickelback song.
Tom! - I thought you were dead.
- No.
It's OK.
It's all OK.
Er, I'm not so sure about that.
- What's that? - Don't ask.
All right, grab all the food you can, ladies.
We're busting you out of here.
Felix, you beautiful man! Oi, big bear's mine, Goldilocks.
Hope you don't burn your tongue on my porridge.
Felix? What about the archers? - Oh, we're leading them a merry little dance.
- We? - She's going to crash! - You say crash.
I say parking in style.
Nice driving, munchkin.
I'll take it from here.
Mummy! Let me in! - I'm sorry! I'm sorry! - Wind up that window! Please don't leave me there with them.
They ain't even peng! Let go, you bastard.
Again? Seriously? Oh, mate.
You've changed.
You all right, yats? I like your dressing gowns.
Thanks, mate.
No worries, mate.
Mummy, did I tell you that I ran a man over today? - No.
- Yeah.
He went splat.
I'm a bad man!