Cold Feet (1997) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
- Adam thinks he's George Best.
- There are similarities.
Yeah, you drink too much.
No.
l'm dating Miss World.
Are we in love? Of course we are.
She makes me look great when we dance.
We get on fine.
l'd rather have a kiss.
l think she's gorgeous.
See that? l did that.
What baby? (Gasps) l'm a very potent man, l am.
We met about nine months ago now.
Well, l went shopping, and l came out and l got in the car and l bumped into him.
He couldn't really decide about me, which is typical of men.
- Problem-solving in families generally - He adores his son.
.
.
is like management consultancy.
Yeah.
Adam's very good with girls Girls .
.
for no more than two or three minutes.
There was Natalie, lngrid Sewing your wild oats.
l get to hear all about it.
African.
For hours.
- Aborigine? - Yeah.
(SNORES) l do like him, actually.
Sex? Yeah, please.
He told me that he loved me by shoving a rose up his bottom.
Don't talk to me about roses.
Pink painful thorny roses.
l'm the world's first human vase.
lt was a bit wilted by the time l got it.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Janet.
- Brilliant.
See you tomorrow.
- Good night.
(lNAUDlBLE) (BAND SlNG) Guantanamera Guajira guantanamera - Adam? - Rach! - What are you doing? - Surprise! But it's not our anniversary.
Oh, yes, it is.
A year today.
No, not since we first went out.
No.
(CROWD LAUGHS) Adam, get down.
We're stuck.
Guantanamera Guajira guantanamera Guantanamera Guajira guantanamera (lMlTATES LOUlS ARMSTRONG) l see trees of green Red roses too l see them bloom For me and you And l say to myself What a wonderful womb And l say to myself What a wonderful womb Hey! What about Louis? No.
- What about Felix? - No.
We've got a name.
Yeah, but what if it's a boy? She's not.
(SPANlSH ACCENT) Ten green bottles hanging from the wall And if one green bottle should accidentally fall There would only be Nine.
Nine green bottles hanging from the wall (PHONE RlNGS) David, where are you? Hi.
l'm at the airport.
- Manchester? - Frankfurt.
- David, you promised you'd be back.
- l can't control the weather.
l hope you've got a good present.
Course l have.
They're calling my flight.
Bye.
There will only be - Eight.
Eight green bottles hanging from the wall (SOFT MUSlC) RACHEL: That was a lot better than a year ago.
Well, l was nervous then.
And drunk.
l don't remember you complaining.
Look, now l'm getting the hang of it, how about we do it again? My God! Oh! Oh! l've got to go.
What? Where? l've got a breakfast meeting in Stoke, and my clean clothes are at home.
(WHlNES) But it's our anniversary.
Yeah, of the first time we had sex.
Tomorrow we can celebrate a year since the second time.
Actually, that would be the third.
l might not feel like it then.
l'll take that risk.
(BAB Y CRlES) What's the matter with Josh? l went in to kiss him good night and he woke up and went berserk.
- What the hell is that? - lt's his present.
- Oh, and he saw it, did he? - l may have held it over his cot.
- There you go, love.
- l'm not comfy.
l know.
Let's try this one.
- There.
How's that? - Rubbish.
- Put one a bit lower down.
- OK.
l see they've managed to float that whale off that beach in Cornwall.
- l don't know why l said that.
- Oh, my God! l'm hideous, aren't l? No, love, you're not hideous.
You're just pregnant.
Same thing.
lt's nature's way of making sure that men don't want sex.
That's supposed to cheer me up, is it? l'll just get some more pillows.
Yeah.
God, he's exhausting me.
He doesn't just read the pregnancy books, he memorises them.
Did you know, at this stage, the baby is 18 inches long, weighs 5½lb? lmagine that.
My little tiddler, a foot and half tall.
Hoorah.
l just can't read the flippin' baby books.
l've tried but nothing goes in.
The placenta is full of vitamins and minerals.
l suppose l should be glad Pete's taking such an interest.
l know l should be.
lt's just such an interest.
All things being equal, this is the fastest route to hospital.
But in the rush hour, everything changes.
Now, between eight and nine in the morning Tavistock Street is chocker.
You can lose 20 minutes.
So approach it from the north.
ln the evening, it's Cross Street that's your problem.
- Have you tried all this out? - Yeah.
- Does ''anal retentive'' mean anything to you? - You can never be too prepared.
What if there's a burst water main? What? Where? Here.
You've had it.
Oh, yes.
And another thing the books say l thought you didn't read them.
Pete told me.
Anyway, they reckon in the final weeks expectant mums get this craving to clean the house.
lt's the nesting instinct, l suppose.
Well, er no-one says you have to.
The books.
Hide them.
Or get a company in.
- You what? - To clean.
Jen, we live in a service society.
lf you're bothered about not having a nesting instinct, hire one.
Mm.
Cool.
(CAR ALARM BEEPS) - David, Karen.
- Hi, Richard.
Good to see you again.
And this must be young Josh.
The same class as Timothy.
How's he doing? Fine.
He's learnt a new word.
- lt's his tenth.
- Only his tenth.
What was it? lnarticulate? Timothy's started putting words together.
- Me, go, that sort of thing.
- Yeah, Josh does that too.
But they don't make any sense.
Maybe he has other skills.
Timothy's very keen on art.
(CHlLDREN SlNGlNG) Excuse me.
- l didn't know our son's backward.
- David, he's not.
Timothy's very keen on art.
That just means he likes crayoning.
At least he knows what a crayon's for.
Give one to Josh and he eats it.
- Timothy's two months older.
- And light years ahead.
- What does Ramona do with Josh all day? - She plays with him.
Maybe she should teach him.
ls that too much to expect of a nanny? Let's say one new word a day.
And today's new word is pillock.
(HUMS AND SCAT SlNGS) (PAGES FLlCK) Do you still hold a candle for Brian? (lNDlSTlNCTLY SlNGS SCAT) Oh, my God.
Look at this place.
l just got a sudden urge.
- l hope you haven't been overdoing it.
- No.
Feeling a bit tired, though.
Go on, you do dinner.
Yeah, of course, yeah, yeah.
- How about takeaway? - Yeah.
Look, the nesting instincts.
You must be getting close.
l'd better start painting the baby's bedroom.
No.
Well, we've got a few weeks yet.
Well, you can never be too sure.
Which is the very reason why l've invested in one of these.
Phone me whenever you get a twinge.
l won't give anybody else the number.
And it'll be our own personal hot line.
You think of everything, don't you? With something this important, you can never be too careful.
- Fish and chips? - Curry.
What? ln your condition? Oh, l don't know about that, no.
Now, where's Miriam Stoppard? She'll know.
Er l think l tidied her away.
l just can't remember where.
And another thing.
How could the bartender have killed that woman when he was decapitated four scenes earlier? - Because it was a flashback.
- What was? Adam! Most of the movie! Oh.
Taxi! Your place or mine? - How about mine? - Eh?! - We always go to yours.
- Yeah, well, it's closer.
- To where? - We feel at home there.
You do.
l feel at home in my flat.
l haven't got a change of underwear.
Be a slob.
Wear the same pair two days running.
l already am.
Taxi! l've got a pair of socks my dad left.
You can always wear a pair of my knickers.
l think not.
Right, has everybody got all that? ALL: Yes.
- Jolly good.
So, within a day or two of the birth, you'll be allowed to take baby home.
Love, l don't think we're going to forget to take her home, eh? Right, to end just for fun, l thought we'd have a quiz.
- Yes! - Just shout out if you know the answer.
Question number one.
How wide is the cervix? Ten centimetres or four inches.
Yes.
Very good.
When the top of the baby's head is visible lt's called crowning.
Yes, but that wasn't actually going to be the question.
When the baby's head crowns should you push? No, if the head's born too quickly, the mother's skin might tear.
Yes.
Very good.
Maybe we could let one of the mums answer the next one.
As the baby's head appears, the midwife checks the umbilical cord.
Why? Go on.
You know.
Go on, say it.
Go on.
l don't know.
l don't know.
Say Anyone.
To ensure it isn't looped around the baby's neck.
Yes.
Very good.
Swot.
Sorry, mate.
Pink satin? Mmm! With frilly bits.
- Are you still wearing 'em? - No, they go right up my arse.
- What do you think it all means? - That you like wearing Rachel's knicks? No, that she wants to spend more time at her place.
- Why does it have to mean anything? - Everything has meaning.
Maybe she's going off me.
Ah! Bodger and Grabbit, how's it going? lt would go a lot quicker if l had some help.
l'll paint once you've decided on a colour.
- Yeah, well, we have.
- Ah.
We can't be sure.
A boy in a pink room.
Who knows? He might end up wearing women's panties.
Jen, a hypothetical situation.
A couple spend most of their time at his place.
Then she wants to spend more time at her flat.
What do you read into that? That Rachel's going off you.
Or maybe, maybe she's just sick of always ending up at yours.
Well, which is it? Adam, l imagine that Rachel would move in with you if you asked her, but in the absence of an invitation - You think she's angling to move in? - lt might have crossed her mind.
You've been together a year.
lsn't that still early days? - Yeah.
- No! You eejit! - Hi.
- Hi.
ls Josh in bed? l tried to keep him up till you came home, but in the end he was begging me.
Sorry.
The meeting ran over.
- How's your day been? - Fine.
Hi, David.
And Josh? Has he done any crayoning? Yes, David.
lt made him sick.
Maybe he should start on paints.
What's this? And you're supposed to be a nanny.
- lt's potty.
- No, it's a potty.
Ramona was right the first time.
Josh is not old enough to use it.
l was potty-trained in a year.
Why doesn't that surprise me? Am l the only one concerned with his development? You haven't seen him for two days.
- l looked in on him.
- Oh, hands-on parenting.
l think l take my kitchen into the lunch, OK? What?! Fine, Ramona.
Take your chicken into the lounge.
No wonder Josh is inarticulate if that's his role model.
- David, she's trying.
- That's certainly true.
l think we should get rid of her.
Find a nanny with childcare and English skills.
No way, David.
Josh is very fond of Ramona.
She's like a father to him.
Look, Josh is doing just fine.
lf you don't think so, get more involved.
But you have to be here.
Parenting isn't something you fax from the office.
Right.
A new age dawns tomorrow.
Daddy takes control.
From now on, l will read Josh his bedtime story.
l can't tomorrow, Clive's in from New York.
l'll start on Thursday.
So, the new age dawns the day after tomorrow.
Not quite as catchy, is it? (LATlN AMERlCAN MUSlC) Sorry.
Have you been waiting long? l don't know.
l left my watch at your flat.
l spent all day staring at the hairs on the back of my hand.
My colleagues think l'm a pervert.
Now they'll think l'm mad.
Not tomorrow.
Don't you remember? lt's the first anniversary of the first night we didn't have sex.
Ah, Black Wednesday.
That's really sweet of you.
l figured we'd be at yours tonight, so l've put you out of your misery.
This is cool.
There's a depthometer for when you're in the bath.
And here, this is a stopwatch for when you want to go jogging.
l never want to go jogging.
You'll think of something.
You could always time me when l'm late.
Only for the first hour.
Look, Rach l've been thinking.
lt's not ideal, our having two separate places, is it? You never have enough clean clothes, l've only got odd socks at yours, so How about we move in together? ls that what he suggested? This is Adam we're talking about.
(REWlNDS) How about we clone our wardrobes? CIone your wardrobes? Each buy another set of clothes.
That way, we can live at either flat.
l'll have all l need at yours and you at mine.
Or have l? We always end up at mine, right? We still will, but Rachel won't have any excuse for going home.
Brilliant.
Twisted Evil.
Brilliant.
Hai.
Arigato.
Rach, he's never going to stay at your pIace.
l hope you told him where to get off.
- l agreed to it.
- What? Are you crazy, woman? Oh, no.
Panic at the office.
l said l had to go.
Bedtime reading duties.
l'll catch up on work later.
There's a bit of moisture in here.
Tears, David.
Ramona's taken him up.
Right.
Let's get this show on the road.
The new age dawns.
Hello.
So, pink, is it, then? Jenny's compromised on yellow.
Would that be Yellow Wisp, Petal Fresh, Whey, Cheesecake, Banana Salad, New Horizon, Leopard's Bain, Mellow Yellow.
Barley High? Submarine.
(CHUCKLES) And in the third quarter the gross profit margin rose to 24% on an annual turnover of £7,500,000.
The sale of the warehousing division netted £1 36,000 leading to an overall debt on the current account of £250,000.
Sleep.
(RlNGS) Jen, Jen, Jen, are you all right? Hey.
Fancy a drink after work? How did you get this number? - Jen gave it to me.
- No.
This line must be kept clear.
(LlNE GOES DEAD) - l don't think so.
(PHONE RlNGS) - Hello? - Are you all right, love? l'm just doing some tidying up.
Did you give Adam Sorry.
Hang on.
- Hello.
- Hey, what about this drink, then? - l can't.
Ante-natal group.
- Hang on a sec.
lncoming wounded.
Sorry, love.
lt's me.
Karen's rung and invited us round tomorrow night.
And Pete and Jenny if they want a low-down on childbirth.
Hang on.
Pete's on the other line.
Do you want to go round to a friend of Rachel's? David's a bit of a prat but Karen's nice, and she can tell Jen about babies.
Sounds good.
Seven o'clock? l'll just check.
ls seven OK? - Seven what? - Sorry, wrong line.
(LlNE GOES DEAD) - Adam? Adam? Adam? Jen? Jenny? Oooh! What? l just felt my credit card flinch.
How long do you think it will take you? - 1 5 minutes.
- ls that all? Five pairs of socks, black, five shirts, white.
Five pairs of underpants, assorted colours.
- lt could take half an hour.
- lt may take me a little longer.
What time do you think the shops shut? Let's meet back here at nine.
Three hours? Are you sure you don't mind waiting? Hey, that's the kind of guy l am.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You did some lovely colouring today.
Did you, darling? We're doing all we can to hothouse our young talents, Mrs Marsden.
We also depend on parents playing their part, by instilling fundamental values, such as punctuality, for example.
l'm sorry l'm late, Mrs er Yeah.
Bundesbank raised its base interest rate.
ln most regards, Joshua is a model child.
But recently he has taken to punching another one of the boys.
Oh, no.
Poor little Timothy's minding his own business, colouring, when Joshua wanders up and wallop.
- ls that Timothy Boyd? - Mm-hm.
But he's older than Josh and bigger.
Well done, Josh.
- Joshua is an only child, is he? - Yes, he is.
Anti-social tendencies are not uncommon when children lack siblings to check them.
Well, thank you very much for coming in.
We will keep an eye on the situation.
But l must warn you, if we don't see an improvement in Joshua, we may have no alternative but to expel him.
- Sorry.
- What kept you? l couldn't decide.
- What? Between Boddington's and Marston's.
- Mm.
So, where's your gear? That?! That's it? One dress? No.
lt's a camisole.
l couldn't see anything l liked.
ln three hours you could have seen most of the north of England! Still, at least you did well.
(lMlTATES ADAM) l think your brilliant plan just backfired, big fella.
Exactly.
She never intended to buy a single thing.
She let me do it so l've no excuse for not staying at hers.
Would Rachel be that devious? (AMERlCAN ACCENT) Hello! Never underestimate the guile of women.
l speak from experience.
Hey, love.
l think Mellow Yellow.
- This can't be right.
- What? l've got an invoice here for £250 from the Tidy House Spring Cleaning Company.
Yeah, well.
l think you'll find that Miriam Stoppard says that the nesting instinct is not universal.
And if outside help is needed, women shouldn't feel guilty.
- You - Or be made to feel guilty! l didn't know Miriam Stoppard said that.
Neither did she.
Anyway, Jen, you should be conserving energy.
- lf not for labour, for what comes after.
- Right, so just to recap.
My life is going to be rubbish.
The world ''life'' won't apply.
You will simply exist to meet your child's demands.
No, l wouldn't call it demanding.
ln fact, l've hardly noticed a change.
l think these things tend to get a bit exaggerated.
That's encouraging.
Well, l wouldn't have it any other way.
There again, l wouldn't have another one either.
Er, Karen.
Can l have a word? Aw, sweet.
What are you doing with Josh's clothes? - Giving them to Jenny.
- What if we need them again? David, he's grown out of them.
l mean, for the next one.
What next one? l've been thinking.
- lt's time Josh had a baby brother.
- What? Or sister.
- You said you wanted three children.
- That was before l had one.
Do you think we should tell his parents? l think we should leave them alone at the moment.
(SQUELCHlNG) - Oh, shite! Yeah.
Not good.
Get a newspaper.
Then roll it up and smack him.
The teacher said an only child tends to be anti-social.
- We do not want him expelled.
- Great! So, l have to get pregnant again.
- We thought we'd get that beer at the pub.
- l'll get your coat.
Lebanon.
Which British city first had pavements? - Leeds.
- l think it's Bristol.
lt's Leeds! - Bristol.
- l knew it was Edinburgh.
- Why didn't you say something? - You two seemed so sure.
- Competitive juices are flowing.
- lt's the nearest l get to sport now.
- You don't strike me as the athletic type.
- Excuse me.
- Hundred metres hurdles for the school.
- Mm.
Under 1 2s.
- Well, you never forget.
- Golf is the sport you want to play.
Golf! Golf's not a sport, it's a career move.
Same again, lads? l've always thought of taking up golf.
l'll give you a round, if you like, show you the ropes.
l was hoping Josh might show an aptitude for golf.
Did you know that Tiger Woods hit his first ball at the age of two? - Really? - Mm.
Do you know if you're expecting a tiger or a tigress? We didn't ask.
lt'd be like knowing a football score before watching it on telly.
- You'll be there at the birth? - l wouldn't miss it for the world.
l wanted to video it, but Jenny put her foot down.
Are you two still discussing golf? - Childbirth.
- Magic.
When you have a baby, Adam, do you intend to be there? Are you wise? All that blood? And genitalia.
Ergh! Being at the conception's enough.
Make sure she doesn't conceive on a Monday.
Why? Mondays we don't see each other.
Two days we're at Adam's, two days at mine.
And weekends we alternate.
Sounds like you're sorted.
Sounds like a divorce settlement.
lt's unsettling.
Nowhere feels like home.
l run out of clothes, Adam doubles his washing.
Why don't you just move in together? Because Help me out here, will you? Don't ask me.
You're crazy.
lt needn't be a permanent thing.
lf it doesn't work out, Rachel can move out.
Lend me your phone, will you? l want to ask Rachel to move in.
That's my private line to Jen for when her waters break.
You miserable git, one phone call.
No, no.
What if Jen wants to talk to me when you're talking to Rachel? She's with Rachel, you bollocks.
Oh, yeah.
What's your number? - Another? BOTH: Yes.
Hi, Karen, it's Adam.
Can l speak with Rachel, please? She's gone to get her.
Rachel.
l love you, Rachel.
Cos you're my special wee lamb chops.
Yes, l'm drunk, but in the morning l'll still love you.
l miss you, Pingu.
Good.
Let's move in together.
No, l mean it.
Give up your flat and move in with me.
l don't want to live in your flat.
l want to live in my flat.
Well, because l asked you.
l don't care if yours is bigger sorry.
Or more convenient.
Or nicer.
Do you want to live together in my flat, or not? Fine! Forget it! So, was she pleased, then? l'm going for a slash.
l knew this bag wasn't big enough.
What are you doing? Just checking.
Pete, can't we just go to bed? We can do all that when my waters break.
You won't want to be bothered with it then.
Now, let's see.
Maternity bra? l'm wearing it.
Ah-ah, madam.
lt's in the bag.
- Pete? - Mm.
Pete, l'm getting really close now.
Would you stop doing that? You'll thank me in the long run.
Now, l thought this dressing gown.
Do you really want to wear the blue one cos No.
Could you just stop it, please? l'm just not ready, Pete! Would you You're driving me mad! lt took me ages to do all that! Forget about knickers and my nightie! Forget about my toothbrush! - Toothbrush! l knew there was something.
- Aaaggh! Jen, are you all right, love? Pete, you don't understand! l'm scared.
l'm scared shitless.
l'm going to have a baby.
l know, but l don't know what to do.
l don't know.
Just give us a hug.
Ssh.
Ssh.
Ow! Ow! Ooh! Oh, what does that mean? Eh? All right, kick once if you're staying in there, twice if you're coming out.
Three.
Ah! Ooh! Eeh! Ow! Hey! (MOBlLE RlNGS) (RlNGlNG CONTlNUES) Would somebody answer that? Hello.
Pete! HospitaI! Now! Hi, Jen.
Actually, it's Adam.
l've got Pete's phone.
Oooh! Did you hear me? Pete's not here.
Pete, it's started.
Get to sodding hospital! Hello, hello.
Oh, shit! Shit! Shit! Pete! Pete! Pete! Come on.
(PHONE RlNGS) Come on.
Come on.
- Hello.
- Pete? No, l'm afraid he's not here.
- Well, where is he? - l don't know.
l'm not his secretary.
- Well, where's she? - Off sick.
He's got a mobile.
Ring him on that.
l'm on his mobile! His wife's gone into labour.
We must find him.
Oh, hang on.
His diary's here.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh? What does uh-oh mean?! This morning's crossed out.
lt doesn't say why.
Brilliant! Come on! Come on! Damn! Damn! Hello, Rach.
How are you? l'm sorry about last night.
Sorry l was such a dick last night! - Jenny into labour.
- What? - Pete missing.
- Call him on his mobile.
Shit! - Please help me find him.
- Where do you think he'll be? l've drawn up a list of possible places.
Most of these are pubs and a gym.
Start with the pubs.
l'm going to the hospital.
l love your tie.
Can you maybe step on it a bit? l'm on my way to a birth.
Right.
Your wife, is it? No, we're not married.
Well, she is.
To my best mate.
Right.
Karen, l can't stay for lunch.
Jenny's gone into labour and Pete's missing.
He's playing golf with David.
Golf? Come on.
Quick.
And jolly good.
Great putt.
Let's call it a ten, shall we? And l'm a four.
- What's the hold-up? - Looks like a burst water main.
- What? Where? - Here you've had it.
- What?! - lt's all right.
l know a back way.
This best mate whose wife's giving birth, is he going to be there? He doesn't know about it.
Why do you think l'm going? A to Z, glove compartment.
Locked.
Hit it.
Have you found it? Sweet wrappers more sweet wrappers.
- Adam's.
- A to Z.
- Does this remind you of when you had Josh? - What? Racing to a golf course? l was drugged up to the eyeballs.
- David was there, wasn't he? - Yeah.
He even cancelled a meeting.
Oooh! Hard luck.
Hard luck.
(CAR HORN) What is going on? (BEEPS HORN) lt looks like Rachel's car.
lt is Rachel's car.
She doesn't play golf.
Oh, it must be some kind of drama.
Oh, my God! Er, that wasn't a gimme.
- There you go, mate.
- Keep your money.
Hope it chokes you.
l should never have given him my mobile.
Which way? Which way?! Er right.
N-n-no, left.
N-n-no, straight on.
Straight on.
l think.
Oh, l should have brought my maps.
- Does ''anal retentive'' mean anything? - You can never be too prepared.
- l think l should nip home and get them.
- No! No! - Have you come for Jenny Gifford? - Yes.
Has she had it yet? Don't worry.
You're still in time.
ln you go.
Er, no, l'll just wait out here.
(GROANlNG) Oh, God! l want my Aaaagggh! Don't be shy.
Birthing partners are allowed at the bedside.
Pete.
Adam.
Hi, Jen.
How's it going? This isn't your husband.
He's on his way.
- OK, l've got it.
- The hospital? Old Trafford, but it's very near.
Possibly.
Look, l can wait outside, if you prefer.
Arrrgh! This time of day, it's the blue route, so we go left here.
And then right.
Right.
Oh, shit! Officers, this is an emergency.
- Of course it is, sir.
- My wife's giving birth.
ls this true? Every father should see his child into the world.
Matthews, your helmet.
What stage am l at? l'm no expert, but l'd definitely say it was labour.
(CRlES OUT) Two minutes twenty-three.
They're getting closer.
You're fully dilated now, Jenny.
Wooh.
Tell me what you can see.
Really, Jen.
The view from here's just fine.
Get down the bed, you tosser! (SlREN) Aaagggh! Jenny, Jenny, l can see its head.
You're doing really well.
Remember, only push with your contractions.
And remember your breathing.
The baby's head's nearly born, Jenny.
Push.
l can't.
l'm too tired.
No.
Yes, you can, girl.
You've got the strength.
- Let your body do the work.
- Don't make me.
l want to go home.
You're doing really well.
You can do it.
The baby's nearly here.
Push.
That's good.
Great, Jenny.
Push.
Come on, darling.
Come on, Jenny.
Fantastic.
You're almost there, Jen.
Come on.
Just one more Shut up! l'm sorry.
l'm so sorry.
Jenny, l'm sorry.
l was playing golf.
Thank God l'm here.
(BAB Y CRlES) Oh, Jenny.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
- You were brilliant.
- Well done, love.
Well done.
Hello.
What have we got? Hello.
lt's Mummy.
Eh, what are you like? Oh, Jen.
Oh.
Look at his eyes.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
We haven't got a little boy's name.
Erm Officer, what's your name? - Preston, sir.
- No, your first name.
That is my first name.
Oh.
Adam.
Adam.
l want to call him Adam.
Eh? Adam Preston Gifford.
Yeah.
Eh? Little Adam.
Hello, Adam.
- lt's your daddy and mummy.
- Well done, Jen.
Thanks.
Thanks for being there.
- Yeah.
Just as bloody well.
- Sorry.
(CRlES) ALL: Aw! - Can l touch him? - Yeah.
ALL: Aw! Look at his eyelashes.
Well done, guys.
lt was unbelievable, you know.
Unbelievable.
Nothing prepares you for it, nothing.
She was brilliant.
The sweat was lashing, dripping off her.
She really grabbed my hand at one point.
And it was fantastic.
And then this life comes out, and there it is, and that's there.
And that was inside her, and she did all that herself - Jenny.
- The baby.
l l tell you, she's a princess.
l saw a whole new side to her.
Well, l saw everythingactually.
Right there in front of me.
l tell you, she's amazing.
l love her.
Yes.
l've got to go home.
Look, he's awake.
lsn't he beautiful? l want one of those.
Look, Rach, l've been thinking.
Let's both give up our flats.
Find a new place.
Let's live together.
All right.
Oh, David.
Look at his little fingers.
Do you remember when Josh was that size? Hardly.
lt's been so long.
Eh! We did well, didn't we? SPACE: Female Of The Species Oh How can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast her spell on me? Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me?
- There are similarities.
Yeah, you drink too much.
No.
l'm dating Miss World.
Are we in love? Of course we are.
She makes me look great when we dance.
We get on fine.
l'd rather have a kiss.
l think she's gorgeous.
See that? l did that.
What baby? (Gasps) l'm a very potent man, l am.
We met about nine months ago now.
Well, l went shopping, and l came out and l got in the car and l bumped into him.
He couldn't really decide about me, which is typical of men.
- Problem-solving in families generally - He adores his son.
.
.
is like management consultancy.
Yeah.
Adam's very good with girls Girls .
.
for no more than two or three minutes.
There was Natalie, lngrid Sewing your wild oats.
l get to hear all about it.
African.
For hours.
- Aborigine? - Yeah.
(SNORES) l do like him, actually.
Sex? Yeah, please.
He told me that he loved me by shoving a rose up his bottom.
Don't talk to me about roses.
Pink painful thorny roses.
l'm the world's first human vase.
lt was a bit wilted by the time l got it.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Janet.
- Brilliant.
See you tomorrow.
- Good night.
(lNAUDlBLE) (BAND SlNG) Guantanamera Guajira guantanamera - Adam? - Rach! - What are you doing? - Surprise! But it's not our anniversary.
Oh, yes, it is.
A year today.
No, not since we first went out.
No.
(CROWD LAUGHS) Adam, get down.
We're stuck.
Guantanamera Guajira guantanamera Guantanamera Guajira guantanamera (lMlTATES LOUlS ARMSTRONG) l see trees of green Red roses too l see them bloom For me and you And l say to myself What a wonderful womb And l say to myself What a wonderful womb Hey! What about Louis? No.
- What about Felix? - No.
We've got a name.
Yeah, but what if it's a boy? She's not.
(SPANlSH ACCENT) Ten green bottles hanging from the wall And if one green bottle should accidentally fall There would only be Nine.
Nine green bottles hanging from the wall (PHONE RlNGS) David, where are you? Hi.
l'm at the airport.
- Manchester? - Frankfurt.
- David, you promised you'd be back.
- l can't control the weather.
l hope you've got a good present.
Course l have.
They're calling my flight.
Bye.
There will only be - Eight.
Eight green bottles hanging from the wall (SOFT MUSlC) RACHEL: That was a lot better than a year ago.
Well, l was nervous then.
And drunk.
l don't remember you complaining.
Look, now l'm getting the hang of it, how about we do it again? My God! Oh! Oh! l've got to go.
What? Where? l've got a breakfast meeting in Stoke, and my clean clothes are at home.
(WHlNES) But it's our anniversary.
Yeah, of the first time we had sex.
Tomorrow we can celebrate a year since the second time.
Actually, that would be the third.
l might not feel like it then.
l'll take that risk.
(BAB Y CRlES) What's the matter with Josh? l went in to kiss him good night and he woke up and went berserk.
- What the hell is that? - lt's his present.
- Oh, and he saw it, did he? - l may have held it over his cot.
- There you go, love.
- l'm not comfy.
l know.
Let's try this one.
- There.
How's that? - Rubbish.
- Put one a bit lower down.
- OK.
l see they've managed to float that whale off that beach in Cornwall.
- l don't know why l said that.
- Oh, my God! l'm hideous, aren't l? No, love, you're not hideous.
You're just pregnant.
Same thing.
lt's nature's way of making sure that men don't want sex.
That's supposed to cheer me up, is it? l'll just get some more pillows.
Yeah.
God, he's exhausting me.
He doesn't just read the pregnancy books, he memorises them.
Did you know, at this stage, the baby is 18 inches long, weighs 5½lb? lmagine that.
My little tiddler, a foot and half tall.
Hoorah.
l just can't read the flippin' baby books.
l've tried but nothing goes in.
The placenta is full of vitamins and minerals.
l suppose l should be glad Pete's taking such an interest.
l know l should be.
lt's just such an interest.
All things being equal, this is the fastest route to hospital.
But in the rush hour, everything changes.
Now, between eight and nine in the morning Tavistock Street is chocker.
You can lose 20 minutes.
So approach it from the north.
ln the evening, it's Cross Street that's your problem.
- Have you tried all this out? - Yeah.
- Does ''anal retentive'' mean anything to you? - You can never be too prepared.
What if there's a burst water main? What? Where? Here.
You've had it.
Oh, yes.
And another thing the books say l thought you didn't read them.
Pete told me.
Anyway, they reckon in the final weeks expectant mums get this craving to clean the house.
lt's the nesting instinct, l suppose.
Well, er no-one says you have to.
The books.
Hide them.
Or get a company in.
- You what? - To clean.
Jen, we live in a service society.
lf you're bothered about not having a nesting instinct, hire one.
Mm.
Cool.
(CAR ALARM BEEPS) - David, Karen.
- Hi, Richard.
Good to see you again.
And this must be young Josh.
The same class as Timothy.
How's he doing? Fine.
He's learnt a new word.
- lt's his tenth.
- Only his tenth.
What was it? lnarticulate? Timothy's started putting words together.
- Me, go, that sort of thing.
- Yeah, Josh does that too.
But they don't make any sense.
Maybe he has other skills.
Timothy's very keen on art.
(CHlLDREN SlNGlNG) Excuse me.
- l didn't know our son's backward.
- David, he's not.
Timothy's very keen on art.
That just means he likes crayoning.
At least he knows what a crayon's for.
Give one to Josh and he eats it.
- Timothy's two months older.
- And light years ahead.
- What does Ramona do with Josh all day? - She plays with him.
Maybe she should teach him.
ls that too much to expect of a nanny? Let's say one new word a day.
And today's new word is pillock.
(HUMS AND SCAT SlNGS) (PAGES FLlCK) Do you still hold a candle for Brian? (lNDlSTlNCTLY SlNGS SCAT) Oh, my God.
Look at this place.
l just got a sudden urge.
- l hope you haven't been overdoing it.
- No.
Feeling a bit tired, though.
Go on, you do dinner.
Yeah, of course, yeah, yeah.
- How about takeaway? - Yeah.
Look, the nesting instincts.
You must be getting close.
l'd better start painting the baby's bedroom.
No.
Well, we've got a few weeks yet.
Well, you can never be too sure.
Which is the very reason why l've invested in one of these.
Phone me whenever you get a twinge.
l won't give anybody else the number.
And it'll be our own personal hot line.
You think of everything, don't you? With something this important, you can never be too careful.
- Fish and chips? - Curry.
What? ln your condition? Oh, l don't know about that, no.
Now, where's Miriam Stoppard? She'll know.
Er l think l tidied her away.
l just can't remember where.
And another thing.
How could the bartender have killed that woman when he was decapitated four scenes earlier? - Because it was a flashback.
- What was? Adam! Most of the movie! Oh.
Taxi! Your place or mine? - How about mine? - Eh?! - We always go to yours.
- Yeah, well, it's closer.
- To where? - We feel at home there.
You do.
l feel at home in my flat.
l haven't got a change of underwear.
Be a slob.
Wear the same pair two days running.
l already am.
Taxi! l've got a pair of socks my dad left.
You can always wear a pair of my knickers.
l think not.
Right, has everybody got all that? ALL: Yes.
- Jolly good.
So, within a day or two of the birth, you'll be allowed to take baby home.
Love, l don't think we're going to forget to take her home, eh? Right, to end just for fun, l thought we'd have a quiz.
- Yes! - Just shout out if you know the answer.
Question number one.
How wide is the cervix? Ten centimetres or four inches.
Yes.
Very good.
When the top of the baby's head is visible lt's called crowning.
Yes, but that wasn't actually going to be the question.
When the baby's head crowns should you push? No, if the head's born too quickly, the mother's skin might tear.
Yes.
Very good.
Maybe we could let one of the mums answer the next one.
As the baby's head appears, the midwife checks the umbilical cord.
Why? Go on.
You know.
Go on, say it.
Go on.
l don't know.
l don't know.
Say Anyone.
To ensure it isn't looped around the baby's neck.
Yes.
Very good.
Swot.
Sorry, mate.
Pink satin? Mmm! With frilly bits.
- Are you still wearing 'em? - No, they go right up my arse.
- What do you think it all means? - That you like wearing Rachel's knicks? No, that she wants to spend more time at her place.
- Why does it have to mean anything? - Everything has meaning.
Maybe she's going off me.
Ah! Bodger and Grabbit, how's it going? lt would go a lot quicker if l had some help.
l'll paint once you've decided on a colour.
- Yeah, well, we have.
- Ah.
We can't be sure.
A boy in a pink room.
Who knows? He might end up wearing women's panties.
Jen, a hypothetical situation.
A couple spend most of their time at his place.
Then she wants to spend more time at her flat.
What do you read into that? That Rachel's going off you.
Or maybe, maybe she's just sick of always ending up at yours.
Well, which is it? Adam, l imagine that Rachel would move in with you if you asked her, but in the absence of an invitation - You think she's angling to move in? - lt might have crossed her mind.
You've been together a year.
lsn't that still early days? - Yeah.
- No! You eejit! - Hi.
- Hi.
ls Josh in bed? l tried to keep him up till you came home, but in the end he was begging me.
Sorry.
The meeting ran over.
- How's your day been? - Fine.
Hi, David.
And Josh? Has he done any crayoning? Yes, David.
lt made him sick.
Maybe he should start on paints.
What's this? And you're supposed to be a nanny.
- lt's potty.
- No, it's a potty.
Ramona was right the first time.
Josh is not old enough to use it.
l was potty-trained in a year.
Why doesn't that surprise me? Am l the only one concerned with his development? You haven't seen him for two days.
- l looked in on him.
- Oh, hands-on parenting.
l think l take my kitchen into the lunch, OK? What?! Fine, Ramona.
Take your chicken into the lounge.
No wonder Josh is inarticulate if that's his role model.
- David, she's trying.
- That's certainly true.
l think we should get rid of her.
Find a nanny with childcare and English skills.
No way, David.
Josh is very fond of Ramona.
She's like a father to him.
Look, Josh is doing just fine.
lf you don't think so, get more involved.
But you have to be here.
Parenting isn't something you fax from the office.
Right.
A new age dawns tomorrow.
Daddy takes control.
From now on, l will read Josh his bedtime story.
l can't tomorrow, Clive's in from New York.
l'll start on Thursday.
So, the new age dawns the day after tomorrow.
Not quite as catchy, is it? (LATlN AMERlCAN MUSlC) Sorry.
Have you been waiting long? l don't know.
l left my watch at your flat.
l spent all day staring at the hairs on the back of my hand.
My colleagues think l'm a pervert.
Now they'll think l'm mad.
Not tomorrow.
Don't you remember? lt's the first anniversary of the first night we didn't have sex.
Ah, Black Wednesday.
That's really sweet of you.
l figured we'd be at yours tonight, so l've put you out of your misery.
This is cool.
There's a depthometer for when you're in the bath.
And here, this is a stopwatch for when you want to go jogging.
l never want to go jogging.
You'll think of something.
You could always time me when l'm late.
Only for the first hour.
Look, Rach l've been thinking.
lt's not ideal, our having two separate places, is it? You never have enough clean clothes, l've only got odd socks at yours, so How about we move in together? ls that what he suggested? This is Adam we're talking about.
(REWlNDS) How about we clone our wardrobes? CIone your wardrobes? Each buy another set of clothes.
That way, we can live at either flat.
l'll have all l need at yours and you at mine.
Or have l? We always end up at mine, right? We still will, but Rachel won't have any excuse for going home.
Brilliant.
Twisted Evil.
Brilliant.
Hai.
Arigato.
Rach, he's never going to stay at your pIace.
l hope you told him where to get off.
- l agreed to it.
- What? Are you crazy, woman? Oh, no.
Panic at the office.
l said l had to go.
Bedtime reading duties.
l'll catch up on work later.
There's a bit of moisture in here.
Tears, David.
Ramona's taken him up.
Right.
Let's get this show on the road.
The new age dawns.
Hello.
So, pink, is it, then? Jenny's compromised on yellow.
Would that be Yellow Wisp, Petal Fresh, Whey, Cheesecake, Banana Salad, New Horizon, Leopard's Bain, Mellow Yellow.
Barley High? Submarine.
(CHUCKLES) And in the third quarter the gross profit margin rose to 24% on an annual turnover of £7,500,000.
The sale of the warehousing division netted £1 36,000 leading to an overall debt on the current account of £250,000.
Sleep.
(RlNGS) Jen, Jen, Jen, are you all right? Hey.
Fancy a drink after work? How did you get this number? - Jen gave it to me.
- No.
This line must be kept clear.
(LlNE GOES DEAD) - l don't think so.
(PHONE RlNGS) - Hello? - Are you all right, love? l'm just doing some tidying up.
Did you give Adam Sorry.
Hang on.
- Hello.
- Hey, what about this drink, then? - l can't.
Ante-natal group.
- Hang on a sec.
lncoming wounded.
Sorry, love.
lt's me.
Karen's rung and invited us round tomorrow night.
And Pete and Jenny if they want a low-down on childbirth.
Hang on.
Pete's on the other line.
Do you want to go round to a friend of Rachel's? David's a bit of a prat but Karen's nice, and she can tell Jen about babies.
Sounds good.
Seven o'clock? l'll just check.
ls seven OK? - Seven what? - Sorry, wrong line.
(LlNE GOES DEAD) - Adam? Adam? Adam? Jen? Jenny? Oooh! What? l just felt my credit card flinch.
How long do you think it will take you? - 1 5 minutes.
- ls that all? Five pairs of socks, black, five shirts, white.
Five pairs of underpants, assorted colours.
- lt could take half an hour.
- lt may take me a little longer.
What time do you think the shops shut? Let's meet back here at nine.
Three hours? Are you sure you don't mind waiting? Hey, that's the kind of guy l am.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You did some lovely colouring today.
Did you, darling? We're doing all we can to hothouse our young talents, Mrs Marsden.
We also depend on parents playing their part, by instilling fundamental values, such as punctuality, for example.
l'm sorry l'm late, Mrs er Yeah.
Bundesbank raised its base interest rate.
ln most regards, Joshua is a model child.
But recently he has taken to punching another one of the boys.
Oh, no.
Poor little Timothy's minding his own business, colouring, when Joshua wanders up and wallop.
- ls that Timothy Boyd? - Mm-hm.
But he's older than Josh and bigger.
Well done, Josh.
- Joshua is an only child, is he? - Yes, he is.
Anti-social tendencies are not uncommon when children lack siblings to check them.
Well, thank you very much for coming in.
We will keep an eye on the situation.
But l must warn you, if we don't see an improvement in Joshua, we may have no alternative but to expel him.
- Sorry.
- What kept you? l couldn't decide.
- What? Between Boddington's and Marston's.
- Mm.
So, where's your gear? That?! That's it? One dress? No.
lt's a camisole.
l couldn't see anything l liked.
ln three hours you could have seen most of the north of England! Still, at least you did well.
(lMlTATES ADAM) l think your brilliant plan just backfired, big fella.
Exactly.
She never intended to buy a single thing.
She let me do it so l've no excuse for not staying at hers.
Would Rachel be that devious? (AMERlCAN ACCENT) Hello! Never underestimate the guile of women.
l speak from experience.
Hey, love.
l think Mellow Yellow.
- This can't be right.
- What? l've got an invoice here for £250 from the Tidy House Spring Cleaning Company.
Yeah, well.
l think you'll find that Miriam Stoppard says that the nesting instinct is not universal.
And if outside help is needed, women shouldn't feel guilty.
- You - Or be made to feel guilty! l didn't know Miriam Stoppard said that.
Neither did she.
Anyway, Jen, you should be conserving energy.
- lf not for labour, for what comes after.
- Right, so just to recap.
My life is going to be rubbish.
The world ''life'' won't apply.
You will simply exist to meet your child's demands.
No, l wouldn't call it demanding.
ln fact, l've hardly noticed a change.
l think these things tend to get a bit exaggerated.
That's encouraging.
Well, l wouldn't have it any other way.
There again, l wouldn't have another one either.
Er, Karen.
Can l have a word? Aw, sweet.
What are you doing with Josh's clothes? - Giving them to Jenny.
- What if we need them again? David, he's grown out of them.
l mean, for the next one.
What next one? l've been thinking.
- lt's time Josh had a baby brother.
- What? Or sister.
- You said you wanted three children.
- That was before l had one.
Do you think we should tell his parents? l think we should leave them alone at the moment.
(SQUELCHlNG) - Oh, shite! Yeah.
Not good.
Get a newspaper.
Then roll it up and smack him.
The teacher said an only child tends to be anti-social.
- We do not want him expelled.
- Great! So, l have to get pregnant again.
- We thought we'd get that beer at the pub.
- l'll get your coat.
Lebanon.
Which British city first had pavements? - Leeds.
- l think it's Bristol.
lt's Leeds! - Bristol.
- l knew it was Edinburgh.
- Why didn't you say something? - You two seemed so sure.
- Competitive juices are flowing.
- lt's the nearest l get to sport now.
- You don't strike me as the athletic type.
- Excuse me.
- Hundred metres hurdles for the school.
- Mm.
Under 1 2s.
- Well, you never forget.
- Golf is the sport you want to play.
Golf! Golf's not a sport, it's a career move.
Same again, lads? l've always thought of taking up golf.
l'll give you a round, if you like, show you the ropes.
l was hoping Josh might show an aptitude for golf.
Did you know that Tiger Woods hit his first ball at the age of two? - Really? - Mm.
Do you know if you're expecting a tiger or a tigress? We didn't ask.
lt'd be like knowing a football score before watching it on telly.
- You'll be there at the birth? - l wouldn't miss it for the world.
l wanted to video it, but Jenny put her foot down.
Are you two still discussing golf? - Childbirth.
- Magic.
When you have a baby, Adam, do you intend to be there? Are you wise? All that blood? And genitalia.
Ergh! Being at the conception's enough.
Make sure she doesn't conceive on a Monday.
Why? Mondays we don't see each other.
Two days we're at Adam's, two days at mine.
And weekends we alternate.
Sounds like you're sorted.
Sounds like a divorce settlement.
lt's unsettling.
Nowhere feels like home.
l run out of clothes, Adam doubles his washing.
Why don't you just move in together? Because Help me out here, will you? Don't ask me.
You're crazy.
lt needn't be a permanent thing.
lf it doesn't work out, Rachel can move out.
Lend me your phone, will you? l want to ask Rachel to move in.
That's my private line to Jen for when her waters break.
You miserable git, one phone call.
No, no.
What if Jen wants to talk to me when you're talking to Rachel? She's with Rachel, you bollocks.
Oh, yeah.
What's your number? - Another? BOTH: Yes.
Hi, Karen, it's Adam.
Can l speak with Rachel, please? She's gone to get her.
Rachel.
l love you, Rachel.
Cos you're my special wee lamb chops.
Yes, l'm drunk, but in the morning l'll still love you.
l miss you, Pingu.
Good.
Let's move in together.
No, l mean it.
Give up your flat and move in with me.
l don't want to live in your flat.
l want to live in my flat.
Well, because l asked you.
l don't care if yours is bigger sorry.
Or more convenient.
Or nicer.
Do you want to live together in my flat, or not? Fine! Forget it! So, was she pleased, then? l'm going for a slash.
l knew this bag wasn't big enough.
What are you doing? Just checking.
Pete, can't we just go to bed? We can do all that when my waters break.
You won't want to be bothered with it then.
Now, let's see.
Maternity bra? l'm wearing it.
Ah-ah, madam.
lt's in the bag.
- Pete? - Mm.
Pete, l'm getting really close now.
Would you stop doing that? You'll thank me in the long run.
Now, l thought this dressing gown.
Do you really want to wear the blue one cos No.
Could you just stop it, please? l'm just not ready, Pete! Would you You're driving me mad! lt took me ages to do all that! Forget about knickers and my nightie! Forget about my toothbrush! - Toothbrush! l knew there was something.
- Aaaggh! Jen, are you all right, love? Pete, you don't understand! l'm scared.
l'm scared shitless.
l'm going to have a baby.
l know, but l don't know what to do.
l don't know.
Just give us a hug.
Ssh.
Ssh.
Ow! Ow! Ooh! Oh, what does that mean? Eh? All right, kick once if you're staying in there, twice if you're coming out.
Three.
Ah! Ooh! Eeh! Ow! Hey! (MOBlLE RlNGS) (RlNGlNG CONTlNUES) Would somebody answer that? Hello.
Pete! HospitaI! Now! Hi, Jen.
Actually, it's Adam.
l've got Pete's phone.
Oooh! Did you hear me? Pete's not here.
Pete, it's started.
Get to sodding hospital! Hello, hello.
Oh, shit! Shit! Shit! Pete! Pete! Pete! Come on.
(PHONE RlNGS) Come on.
Come on.
- Hello.
- Pete? No, l'm afraid he's not here.
- Well, where is he? - l don't know.
l'm not his secretary.
- Well, where's she? - Off sick.
He's got a mobile.
Ring him on that.
l'm on his mobile! His wife's gone into labour.
We must find him.
Oh, hang on.
His diary's here.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh? What does uh-oh mean?! This morning's crossed out.
lt doesn't say why.
Brilliant! Come on! Come on! Damn! Damn! Hello, Rach.
How are you? l'm sorry about last night.
Sorry l was such a dick last night! - Jenny into labour.
- What? - Pete missing.
- Call him on his mobile.
Shit! - Please help me find him.
- Where do you think he'll be? l've drawn up a list of possible places.
Most of these are pubs and a gym.
Start with the pubs.
l'm going to the hospital.
l love your tie.
Can you maybe step on it a bit? l'm on my way to a birth.
Right.
Your wife, is it? No, we're not married.
Well, she is.
To my best mate.
Right.
Karen, l can't stay for lunch.
Jenny's gone into labour and Pete's missing.
He's playing golf with David.
Golf? Come on.
Quick.
And jolly good.
Great putt.
Let's call it a ten, shall we? And l'm a four.
- What's the hold-up? - Looks like a burst water main.
- What? Where? - Here you've had it.
- What?! - lt's all right.
l know a back way.
This best mate whose wife's giving birth, is he going to be there? He doesn't know about it.
Why do you think l'm going? A to Z, glove compartment.
Locked.
Hit it.
Have you found it? Sweet wrappers more sweet wrappers.
- Adam's.
- A to Z.
- Does this remind you of when you had Josh? - What? Racing to a golf course? l was drugged up to the eyeballs.
- David was there, wasn't he? - Yeah.
He even cancelled a meeting.
Oooh! Hard luck.
Hard luck.
(CAR HORN) What is going on? (BEEPS HORN) lt looks like Rachel's car.
lt is Rachel's car.
She doesn't play golf.
Oh, it must be some kind of drama.
Oh, my God! Er, that wasn't a gimme.
- There you go, mate.
- Keep your money.
Hope it chokes you.
l should never have given him my mobile.
Which way? Which way?! Er right.
N-n-no, left.
N-n-no, straight on.
Straight on.
l think.
Oh, l should have brought my maps.
- Does ''anal retentive'' mean anything? - You can never be too prepared.
- l think l should nip home and get them.
- No! No! - Have you come for Jenny Gifford? - Yes.
Has she had it yet? Don't worry.
You're still in time.
ln you go.
Er, no, l'll just wait out here.
(GROANlNG) Oh, God! l want my Aaaagggh! Don't be shy.
Birthing partners are allowed at the bedside.
Pete.
Adam.
Hi, Jen.
How's it going? This isn't your husband.
He's on his way.
- OK, l've got it.
- The hospital? Old Trafford, but it's very near.
Possibly.
Look, l can wait outside, if you prefer.
Arrrgh! This time of day, it's the blue route, so we go left here.
And then right.
Right.
Oh, shit! Officers, this is an emergency.
- Of course it is, sir.
- My wife's giving birth.
ls this true? Every father should see his child into the world.
Matthews, your helmet.
What stage am l at? l'm no expert, but l'd definitely say it was labour.
(CRlES OUT) Two minutes twenty-three.
They're getting closer.
You're fully dilated now, Jenny.
Wooh.
Tell me what you can see.
Really, Jen.
The view from here's just fine.
Get down the bed, you tosser! (SlREN) Aaagggh! Jenny, Jenny, l can see its head.
You're doing really well.
Remember, only push with your contractions.
And remember your breathing.
The baby's head's nearly born, Jenny.
Push.
l can't.
l'm too tired.
No.
Yes, you can, girl.
You've got the strength.
- Let your body do the work.
- Don't make me.
l want to go home.
You're doing really well.
You can do it.
The baby's nearly here.
Push.
That's good.
Great, Jenny.
Push.
Come on, darling.
Come on, Jenny.
Fantastic.
You're almost there, Jen.
Come on.
Just one more Shut up! l'm sorry.
l'm so sorry.
Jenny, l'm sorry.
l was playing golf.
Thank God l'm here.
(BAB Y CRlES) Oh, Jenny.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
- You were brilliant.
- Well done, love.
Well done.
Hello.
What have we got? Hello.
lt's Mummy.
Eh, what are you like? Oh, Jen.
Oh.
Look at his eyes.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
We haven't got a little boy's name.
Erm Officer, what's your name? - Preston, sir.
- No, your first name.
That is my first name.
Oh.
Adam.
Adam.
l want to call him Adam.
Eh? Adam Preston Gifford.
Yeah.
Eh? Little Adam.
Hello, Adam.
- lt's your daddy and mummy.
- Well done, Jen.
Thanks.
Thanks for being there.
- Yeah.
Just as bloody well.
- Sorry.
(CRlES) ALL: Aw! - Can l touch him? - Yeah.
ALL: Aw! Look at his eyelashes.
Well done, guys.
lt was unbelievable, you know.
Unbelievable.
Nothing prepares you for it, nothing.
She was brilliant.
The sweat was lashing, dripping off her.
She really grabbed my hand at one point.
And it was fantastic.
And then this life comes out, and there it is, and that's there.
And that was inside her, and she did all that herself - Jenny.
- The baby.
l l tell you, she's a princess.
l saw a whole new side to her.
Well, l saw everythingactually.
Right there in front of me.
l tell you, she's amazing.
l love her.
Yes.
l've got to go home.
Look, he's awake.
lsn't he beautiful? l want one of those.
Look, Rach, l've been thinking.
Let's both give up our flats.
Find a new place.
Let's live together.
All right.
Oh, David.
Look at his little fingers.
Do you remember when Josh was that size? Hardly.
lt's been so long.
Eh! We did well, didn't we? SPACE: Female Of The Species Oh How can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast her spell on me? Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me?