Cold Feet (1997) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
(Baby cries) Hey, babes.
l've got a presentation at 8:30.
Night-night, darling.
Night-night.
Good lad! Night, darling.
(Baby still cries) - Sh, sh.
Oh, sod it.
Hallelujah Hallelujah (Baby crying) He's asleep.
Good job.
(Crying starts again) My turn.
You go back to sleep.
What do you mean, back? (Alarm bleeps) Oye, hay este chico, que no se como se llama peroay, qué mono! Tienes hombre ahora? No? Por qué? What a beautiful morning What a wonderful day l gotta a beautiful feeling l'm ready You're in a good mood.
Why not? The sun is shining, the pound is up against the dollar, and the memory of last night still lingers.
Now you're off the pill, don't you think it's better? lt's certainly more frequent.
Hey, let me know when you'll be home and l'll run us a bath.
What? After we've got clean, we can get filthy.
l'm sorry.
l've got to go.
.
.
Pasa por aquà con nosotros? Why is Ramona always speaking Spanish on the phone? Me voy.
Adiós.
Here, Josh.
You hungry? Navigation Road.
Only love So, where are you living at the moment? Opposite sides of town.
We're after somewhere together.
Well, you're wise to rent, not buy.
Really? You think it makes financial sense? Good God, no, it's much simpler when you split up.
And by process of elimination, this must be the lounge.
Which way does the garden face? That way.
Ersouth, l think.
Not that it makes any difference in Manchester.
Oh, Adam, it's perfect.
- Of course, it's also expensive.
- Hey, we can afford it! Think of all the savings we'll make living together - heating, food, toilet paper.
lt's got a second bedroom.
That could be handy.
Yes, you might want one each one day.
Oh, it is nice.
l can really see us living here lf yet l have not all thy love, Dear, l shall never have it all I cannot breathe one other sigh to move Nor can entreat one other tear to fall So can l.
- Let's take it.
- Sure it's not too expensive? We can manage, and if not l'll forget the pool table.
What pool table? l don't know.
Do we really want to go skiing? We go every year.
Precisely.
Let's do something else for a change.
OK.
What about the Caribbean? Or the Lake District.
The Lake District? No flight delays.
You get some very good deals in the winter.
Yeah, because it's winter.
No-one wants to go.
Well, maybe we should wait till August.
Are we suddenly poor or something? No! No, we're not poor.
We're just a bitstrapped.
You know how they say that investments can go down as well as up? Yes? Well, ours have lt was this chap l know in the City.
He asked me if l wanted to invest in a new golf course .
.
in Africa.
Well, there are very few golf courses in Africa.
There are very few golfers.
There's a rising urban elite.
At least there was, until the coup.
How much have we lost? - Si quieres venir el martes - She's at it again.
There can't be that many Spaniards in Britain! She's on the phone to her mother.
lt's her 60th birthday.
- What's wrong with a card? - How much, David? £1 5,000.
You put £1 5,000 of our money into some harebrained scheme? lt was not harebrained.
lt looked like a sure thing.
Oh, right.
Lovely, darling.
What other 'sure things' are we investing in? An off-licence in Saudi, a nightclub in lran? Euro-bloody-tunnel? We do have some Eurotunnel shares, yeah.
David, why didn't you tell me? Well, you weren't interested in the past.
Well, rest assured, l am now.
l suggest you get on the phone to our accountant.
lt's time we reassessed our portfolio.
Jen? No! Right, wipes.
Oh, yeah.
One of them.
What's that for? l don't know! How did our parents cope without all this help? Right.
Baby alarms This one'll do.
No, this one's better.
Yeah, and it's 30 quid more.
You get what you pay for.
Anyway, this one's 'stylishly designed'.
- And you can use it abroad.
- Oh, that is an impressive range.
Pete! lt is recommended by What Baby? And it's 30 quid more.
Do you want the best for our child or not? l had to go to Safeway's.
We've had all the Tesco's boxes.
Remember those two waiters in Berlin? Oh, my God! Rolf and Ralf! Which one did you shag? Neither.
l shagged them both.
You did not? You foul slut! No way! (Phone rings) Hello? Hi, gorgeous, how's it going? Erm, OK.
l'd say we were getting there.
You are brutally throwing stuff out? Yeah, there's an Oxfam piIe right here.
Presuming they want a 20-year-old Blue Peter annual and a small plastic gnome.
l gave you the gnome! And keep the BIue Peter annuaI, it might be worth something.
l'm almost done here.
l'll see you at the house.
Would that be our house? ln the middle of our street.
See you.
Love that girl.
Which one of us do you think he takes after? (Passes wind) Clever boy! You.
Will you change him? Do you know, l wish we could.
Only joking.
l've just got back from work.
l'm a bit knackered.
So am l.
l've still got to get the tea on.
Right, there you go.
Careful, it's a follow-through.
Ooh, you little monkey.
Come here.
Blimey.
Never mind.
We'll clean you up.
Come here.
That's it.
There we go.
Hey! O-oh, tots.
lt's only wee.
lt's only wee.
Right, come here.
Right, up we go.
(Ploop) Jenny! (Turns volume up) Jenny! (Car radio plays) MADNESS: Our House - lt looks like they're moving in next door.
- Really? This is yours? l thought you were throwing stuff out! l was.
l told you.
Yeah, a plant pot and an old Blue Peter annual.
No, l kept the annual.
You told me to! l have tried to get rid of things, but all this stuff is my life.
Well, how old are you? 1 90? (Mimics his Ulster accent) Get a grip, big man.
Thank you.
No milk? No fridge.
Ah-ha.
Fridge.
- And the loo doesn't flush properly.
- Oh, l'm already onto that.
You've fixed it? No, but l've made a note to.
You know what l'm looking forward to most? What? Not having to be apart again.
What about you? Having more space.
l mean look at all this crap.
''The World's Greatest Lover.
'' Who gave you this? Your first boyfriend? - How did you know? - lt's written in crayon.
Do we really need to keep this? Sentimental value.
l have very fond memories of that afternoon.
Fake wedding certificate.
- No, no, no, no.
Let's have a look.
- Adam, give ''Rachel Louise Bradley, and Kris - with a K - Bumstead.
Students.
'' Were they giving these out in rag week or something? Sort of.
lt's not very funny.
No, it wasn't.
That's why it didn't last.
No-one knows Well, except Kris.
l once got married.
What? l know.
lt was a long time ago.
This is real? We were young You were married and you never told me? How could you not tell me, Rach? l forgot.
l've been trying to forget.
- How long did it last? - 23 days.
Then he'd slept with my best friend.
- Bastard.
- l know.
Not him, you! How could you not tell me? lt didn't seem to matter lt was less than a month.
l've had plenty of boyfriends for longer.
Boyfriends, yes.
Husbands, no! Rach.
When did you get divorced? That's the other thing l haven't told you.
Bingo.
Do you want to have sex? - You're joking? - Yes.
Four hours.
lf we're lucky, we might get four hours.
So long as nothing disturbs him.
(Knock at door) (Baby cries) Good.
You're still up.
Come in.
Rachel? Sorry to come round so late.
l tried ringing, but you were engaged.
l thought we were sleeping Ramona.
- What's happened? - She must have the cordless.
We've had a row.
Adam's walked out.
Ramona, get off the phone! Why would he just walk out? Because l told him l'm married.
BOTH: Married? - Married? - Yes, married.
- Rachel's married.
- Married? Yes, married.
ln name only.
Bumstead? Well, l never used it.
Well, you wouldn't, would you? Rachel, l've known you for six years.
You've never mentioned this.
Believe me, l'd remember.
Well, he broke my heart.
Who wants to talk about it? l suppose l hoped it would just go away.
So have you seen your husband since? He and Suzie went off to lndia together, to live in an ashram.
The last time l saw them was the day they left.
Look, Adam will come round.
l mean, you're not going to have a problem getting a divorce! ADAM: She doesn't want one.
- What? - Why? Because l'm insisting on it.
We had a row.
A big row.
She threw my gnome at me.
You're lucky it's plastic.
l feel so betrayed.
How could she not have told me? Adam, all couples have secrets from each other.
- We don't.
- Not that they're married to someone else! Do we? This changes everything.
No, it doesn't.
Rachel's no different.
She has a husband! l'm living with a married woman! - My mother'll have a fit.
- Well, don't tell her! Yeah, it worked for Rachel long enough.
l said to her, ''Listen, you bollocks, you better get a divorce.
'' - What was her reaction? - The gnome.
Then she yelled something about how she won't have me dictating who she can and can't marry.
Anyway, l was gone Oh, yeah, that's another thing.
Can l stay? (Both laugh uproariously, then stop) Well, l see your economy drive hasn't reached your wine cellar.
But l have made one significant saving - l put a lock on the phone.
He lets me have a key.
Right, well, to business.
The Lord giveth, and the lnland Revenue taketh away.
But sometimes they giveth back - a tax rebate.
- ln fact, £1 ,000.
- A skiing holiday.
A chance to recoup some of our losses.
l see.
Your harebrained scheme, our losses.
- So what do you recommend, Larry? - Marriage guidance.
(Chuckles) lt really does depend on how much risk you want to take.
Probably less than you have.
You still have time to take out a PEP, or a unit trust might be worth a look.
- Do you have any literature? - Reams.
Right.
We'll have a look through this lot and make a decision.
l don't think fiscal prudence is quite your forte.
l'm not sure it's yours, old man.
- lsn't your golf course waterlogged? - And Marxist? TV: Mia Farrow was once married to which singer- Tony Bennett or Frank Sinatra? Frank Sinatra.
Frank Sinatra.
Frank Sinatra.
(AppIause) It is so cIose.
Which French general said to his wife, ''Not tonight, Josephine''? (Baby cries) - l missed that answer! At least we know he's not constipated.
(Jenny growls) Please! l'm trying to eat here.
(Crying continues) Doesn't he ever stop crying? - Only when he's asleep.
- Not very often, then.
- Pete? - Yeah? Where's my milk l expressed? lt's not in here.
(Retches) Very funny.
KAREN: It's reaIIy IoveIy, RacheI.
Yeah, it's nice.
Well, it could be nice.
lt's lacking something.
Furniture? Adam.
Ah.
(Silent exchange) How is Adam? Er, yeah, he's fine.
You know, great.
More trouble than the baby.
Yesterday, he offered to baby-sit.
Bye.
Trust me.
We went for a walk, not a long one.
l didn't trust either of them to behave.
Somebody told Adam that newborn babies have a highly-developed survival instinct.
So you can get them to grip a rope, and they'II know not to Iet go.
Thank God he landed in some washing.
What, and Adam told you this? The next-door neighbour did.
Rach, please get a divorce.
Go on.
Eh? For me.
None of us like to be told what to do by our men, and usually it's grounds to do the opposite, but in this case, and l say this as your closest friend, who thought she knew everything about you, l am 1 00%, completely, totally and utterly in Adam's camp on this one.
Me, too.
Look, l am not being stubborn, it's just that l am being stubborn, aren't l? Directory enquiries 1 92.
What if he's ex-directory? As in ex-husband? Can l tell you somethingman to man? l hate my life.
l love the baby, but it's everything else that goes with him.
- Fatherhood.
- lt's hell.
lt's no fun being a house guest either.
l am a complete physical and psychological wreck.
ln Libya, they use babies as instruments of torture, to extract confessions.
- Does Jenny feel the same way? - Oh, no way.
She's a woman.
- Comes naturally to her.
- Mm.
Do you think she'll have dinner ready yet? We'd best give her five minutes.
- Time for a pint, then.
- Pint, yeah.
Piano Hi.
Oh, thanks.
So what do we do here? Kiss, or are you going to take a swing at me? Hiya.
Hi.
ADAM: She's meeting him for a drink? - l thought you'd be pleased.
- That she's on a date with him? lt is not a date.
She just wants to discuss a divorce.
What's to discuss? ''l want a divorce.
'' She could put that on a postcard.
And still have room for ''lots of love'' on the bottom.
lt happens to be over a glass of wine, but l'm telling you, Rachel was dreading it.
lmagine how traumatic she'll find it - dredging up painful memories.
At least l didn't sound like l was having an asthma attack.
(Wheezing gasps) (Grunts) - l was having an asthma attack.
- No? Really? (Both laugh) - Well, at least l didn't weep.
- Oh, once! That happened once, and no other woman's made me do that.
Not even Suzie? Ouch.
- How is she? - Suzie? - Yeah.
- Dunno.
We only lasted about a week.
As soon as we got to lndia, she dumped me for the yoga teacher.
l think he was more supple.
Wow, that is supple.
You know, Suzie never meant anything to me.
Well, more fool you, then.
Yeah.
ADAM: No, no, no, no.
l'm not happy about this, not happy at all.
Clearly too upset to do the drying-up.
l tell you what.
l'll take him out for a pint, cheer him up.
Leave me with the dishes? Sweet.
You two go out.
Don't worry about me.
l'll stay here, baby-sit.
BOTH: No! There you are.
He's woken up - too many blankets.
- Any less, he'd catch a chill.
- Any more, he'd overheat.
- Main cause of cot death.
- What? - l saw it on Casualty.
(Baby crying) Right, Pete.
Can l have a word? Now! Well done.
God, Rachel, it's so good to see you.
lt was worth hitching up from London for.
You hitched? Yeah.
As soon as l got your message.
lt's funny, innit? You run these things over and over in your mind, and they never turn out that way in real life, but this one has.
l always hoped we could be mates again.
You know, we can meet up like this and Anyway You said you had something to talk to me about.
Oh.
Yeah Let's get some more wine.
OK.
What a catch.
What a catch.
- Get a bollocking, did you? - Nah Yeah.
Look, Adam Erm Jenny and me.
l Wethink it's about time you moved on.
You can't be comfortable sleeping on a couch.
Don't worry about me.
l can sleep anywhere.
Erno, you can't.
Not here.
We've been having a difficult time with the baby.
You'd be more than welcome back when he's older - 1 6 or so.
- Jenny wants me to leave? Tonight.
Tonight? l've got to go and pack my bag now? She's already packed it for you.
lt's by the door.
Put your sweet lips - This is a great week.
.
.
up closer to the phone Let's pretend that we're together all alone l'll tell the man to turn the jukebox way down low And you tell your friend Yeah? Can l help you? You'll have to Rachel's boyfriend? Kris.
Rachel's husband? Yeah.
Look, come in, mate.
Make yourself at home.
Sorry, l'm a bit l didn't expect you to be Black? Here.
Where's Rachel? (Toilet flushes) - She erm She had a bit too much to drink.
- Threw up all over my top.
- You were standing that close? lt was projectile.
Adam! l-l wasn't expecting you home.
So it would seem.
- Really glad you're back.
- Why? ls the loo still buggered? Yeah, a little bit, but l've missed you.
Really? l'll go and put some coffee on.
Strong and black, yeah? Excellent.
Since 1 st July, 1 994, UK companies may pay dividends as foreign income dividends.
What does that mean? lt means you don't understand what you're reading.
Who can blame me? l've just read a sentence five lines long with only one verb in it.
- Who writes stuff like that? - Lawyers.
Well, they should have it checked by human beings.
And what's this column of figures? Who cares? The only figure l'm interested in is yours.
(Knock at door) Come in! Forgive to interrupt.
Can l use the telephone, please, because my mother My sister called me and l don't think my mother very well, so is it possible to use the phone? Yes, yes, all right! You want to give me the key again? Yes, Ramona.
- Noches.
- Noches.
(Mimics) Noches.
What does she mean, again? You haven't mentioned the divorce? - l didn't want to rush it.
- You've been separated seven years! - lt's hardly indecent haste! - l will tell him in my own time.
When? l dunno! Well, can you give me a clue? This side of your golden wedding? Adam, look He has had a really rough time recently.
He's been dropped by his record company.
And He's got nowhere else to stay, andand it's only going to be for a couple of days, so you'd just better try and be nice to him.
Are you insane? Fine.
You just get out.
- Me? - Yes.
You said you wanted to move out till we got a divorce.
Well, then, fine.
l'll ring you at Pete and Jenny's.
Sleep tight, then, mate.
Jimmy, Jimmy! Jimmy, Jimmy, o-oh Jimmy, Jimmy! Poor little Jimmy wouldn't let go PETE: So where have you been sIeeping? ln the lounge, on beanbags.
Good job you can sleep anywhere.
Almost anywhere.
- Has Rachel had a word with him yet? - No, and of course l can't say anything, though l've tried dropping hints.
(Over backing track) Our D-l-V-O-R-C-E Becomes final today (Turns stereo off) He's been with us three days.
How can she not have mentioned it? - What could they possibly be talking about? - No, not too close.
Keep the grip a hand's length away from the old man.
Not making much progress, are you? To be honest, l hate golf, but it's the only social life l'm allowed.
Not that l can afford it.
l thought you recently had a raise.
Recently had a baby.
Yeah, l'd forgotten how expensive they are.
Tell me about it.
Do you know, they say by the age of 1 8, a child will have cost you a quarter of a million pounds.
That can't include private schools.
- Or bail.
- We're not thinking of having another.
Not that we've talked about it.
Well, we're not talking at the moment.
Who'd make the same mistake twice? Sorry l forgot you're trying for a second, aren't you? Well, we were.
Right.
Kris.
Adam.
You really don't like him, do you? You really don't like me, do you? l'm ready.
DAVlD: You reaIIy don't Iike him, do you? What bugs me most is that he's soperfect.
First of all, he's fit.
Do you want a hand with that? l can manage.
Second, he's .
.
the gaIIopingfrigging gourmet.
lt should be ready in about 20.
Excellent.
And third, just to make me feel like a total plank (Gentle, melodic strumming) .
.
he's become Didsbury's answer to John bIoody Denver.
You only get one chance in life Well, l didn't make it known You only get one chance at love Well, l didn't take it, yeah lf l could, l know exactly what l'd say to you tonight Oh, if l could, l wouldn't let you walk away Come what may (TV blares) All in all he's everything l'm not.
lncluding married to Rachel.
Excuse me, do you have a calculator, please? (Sighs) Jen, say something to me.
Not now.
Look, l'm sorry for accusing you of giving the baby nappy rash.
Just as l'm sure you didn't mean to imply l love the baby any less than you do.
Jen, what's happened to us? l thought babies brought couples together, not drove them apart.
Pete, it's so hard being a mum.
l know it is, but you're good at it.
No, l'm not.
l'm a failure.
No, l'm a failure, as a husband and a father.
(Baby cries) - Oh, God.
No, wait.
Just let him cry for a little bit.
Look, we're talking, aren't we? That's progress, isn't it? We can't be the first parents to find it difficult.
Everyone else seemed to cope, even my parents.
(Baby continues crying) Oh, God, Pete.
l love you so much.
And l love our baby.
l just wish sometimes that he would just stop (Crying stops) Successful parenting.
(Jenny sighs with relief) l might just check on him.
Yeah.
Kris thinks he might stay in Manchester.
There's more chance of him breaking into the music scene here.
Rachel, you got in touch with Kris to get a divorce.
Now he's practically your lodger! We wouldn't charge him rent.
Look, it's just temporary.
And besides, he's he's reaIIy heIpfuI around the house.
(Flushes) - There you go.
- Adam'll be pleased.
KAREN: And was he? Ooh.
Hang on.
He didn't seem to be.
- Do you think you're being fair to him? - To Adam? - l've let him move back into the bedroom.
- Great.
Hegets on with Kris.
They're almost friends.
They pIay chess together.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Do you remember that old chestnut - two's company? - Mrs Marsden - Thanks.
lt's not like that.
Really? PETE: Left foot blue! - (Contorted cries) Kris is the winner! - Again? - Hey, come on.
Another game.
ADAM: l'll get us some more drinks.
KRlS: Do you want another go? - Yeah.
KRlS: Spin.
He seems like a top bloke.
He's a wanker.
He's certainly supple.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Did you notice it was him suggested Twister? Adam, nobody else wanted to play chess.
Right hand green.
- (Laughs) Oh, no way! KRlS: No, you've got to.
Hey! What are you at? - Look, you're pressing down on me.
- You're pressing up.
Rach, your arse touched.
You're out.
That is not true! Yeah, both cheeks, didn't they, Pete? Come on.
Pack it in.
KRlS: Oh, the undisputed champion.
Yeah, l'll take you up.
- Are you in, Pete? - No.
Oh, no.
Just the two of us.
One on one.
Mano e mano.
Rach, l think you should come back in.
Why? ls someone hurt? No, not yet.
Hey, left foot green, Adam.
(Kris chokes) l think it's time we were going.
Yeah.
Not the only ones.
You put it in a building society? What's wrong with that? At least there's no risk.
No interest.
So, which esteemed investment house did you entrust with our wealth? l don't know.
lt had a blue carpet.
- That must have swung it for you.
- l did shop around.
Well, that we know you're good at.
Did you go to the family planning clinic? No.
Still haven't made up my mind.
We cannot afford another child right now.
l thought we'd agreed.
We agreed to think about it.
Yeah.
Let's think about it tomorrow.
But, darling, l thought you didn't want any costly mistakes.
Oh, don't worry.
Before l leave a deposit, l can make a timely withdrawal.
But, darling, you pinpointed the problem yourself No interest.
Kris.
(Football commentator on TV) - Can l have a word, while Adam's out? (Volume lowered) You know how much l've enjoyed having you here.
Yeah, l know you know.
But we can't go on like this.
Or at all.
Look, the thing is, l'm really glad we're friends and .
.
l loved you once, but l love Adam now.
My future's with him.
And l don't want to jeopardise that.
l never told you the real reason l got in touch with you again.
Oh, this isn't easy.
You want a divorce.
lt's all right.
No problem.
That was easy.
Oh, the other thing is, you've got to move out.
l know you've got nowhere else to go and that you're broke l want to help you with that.
Oh, Rach l couldn't.
lt's not a loan.
l'm paying you off.
Take it and go back to London.
- Don't say you haven't got a price.
- lt's not that.
lt's just that Rachel Look, l don't want to hear it.
OK, then.
Bumstead only has one M.
Oh, sorry.
One other thing.
Rach isn't to know about this, not ever.
You want this to be just our little secret? Please.
l wish you wouldn't do this.
l want to.
OK, then.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Wasn't that game on earlier? Yeah.
These are the highlights.
Well, bye, then, mate.
Bye.
l'll see you.
(Engine starts) Missing you already.
(Phone rings) (Continues ringing) Hello? No, l will not accept the charges! David! Ramona's mother's ill.
She could be dying.
OK.
Put them through.
Ramona! Telephone! Surprise, surprise.
Ramona! Telephone! Erm, uno momento, por favor.
lf you're looking for your investments, they're at the bottom of a very long list.
By the way, is your interest paid monthly, cos l need to buy a stamp.
Don't worry, second class will do.
Qué hay! No te he visto en demasiado tiempo! Yo también, my darling! l don't think her mother could have died.
No.
Ramona! Ramona! That was fun.
l didn't handle it very well, did l? No.
Would sorry help at all? lt might.
Try it.
Adam, l'm sorry.
Come here.
Shall we move in together? Our house.
ln the middle of our street.
l bet you thought we'd never get rid of him.
- Oh, l thought he might be going today.
- Oh, you did, did you? He had 500 bloody good reasons for going.
- So he told you? - What? About our arrangement.
What arrangement? - £500.
- That was our arrangement.
- Who? - What? l gave Kris £500 to go away.
So did l.
Excellent.
There goes one thousand pounds.
There goes our sofa.
This must have set you back a bit.
l thought after the Kris business you were broke.
We are.
Yeah, but some really good friends lent us the money.
(Whispers) Shut up.
l must tell you a story about Karen and money - how to make a million pounds in as many years.
Well, Karen decided to take a greater interest in our finances - doesn't matter why.
Oh, this is jolly comfortable.
- Anyway - Oh, shut up, David.
There once was a girl called Rachel Bradley Whose boyfriend loved her truly, deeplymadly She was married to Kris with a K But now that bollocks with a B has gone away So Rachel's now a divorcee Living with Adam in Dids-bury And Kris with a K, he's now her ex So Rachel with an R, can we have some Sex.
SPACE: Female Of The Species Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me? Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me?
l've got a presentation at 8:30.
Night-night, darling.
Night-night.
Good lad! Night, darling.
(Baby still cries) - Sh, sh.
Oh, sod it.
Hallelujah Hallelujah (Baby crying) He's asleep.
Good job.
(Crying starts again) My turn.
You go back to sleep.
What do you mean, back? (Alarm bleeps) Oye, hay este chico, que no se como se llama peroay, qué mono! Tienes hombre ahora? No? Por qué? What a beautiful morning What a wonderful day l gotta a beautiful feeling l'm ready You're in a good mood.
Why not? The sun is shining, the pound is up against the dollar, and the memory of last night still lingers.
Now you're off the pill, don't you think it's better? lt's certainly more frequent.
Hey, let me know when you'll be home and l'll run us a bath.
What? After we've got clean, we can get filthy.
l'm sorry.
l've got to go.
.
.
Pasa por aquà con nosotros? Why is Ramona always speaking Spanish on the phone? Me voy.
Adiós.
Here, Josh.
You hungry? Navigation Road.
Only love So, where are you living at the moment? Opposite sides of town.
We're after somewhere together.
Well, you're wise to rent, not buy.
Really? You think it makes financial sense? Good God, no, it's much simpler when you split up.
And by process of elimination, this must be the lounge.
Which way does the garden face? That way.
Ersouth, l think.
Not that it makes any difference in Manchester.
Oh, Adam, it's perfect.
- Of course, it's also expensive.
- Hey, we can afford it! Think of all the savings we'll make living together - heating, food, toilet paper.
lt's got a second bedroom.
That could be handy.
Yes, you might want one each one day.
Oh, it is nice.
l can really see us living here lf yet l have not all thy love, Dear, l shall never have it all I cannot breathe one other sigh to move Nor can entreat one other tear to fall So can l.
- Let's take it.
- Sure it's not too expensive? We can manage, and if not l'll forget the pool table.
What pool table? l don't know.
Do we really want to go skiing? We go every year.
Precisely.
Let's do something else for a change.
OK.
What about the Caribbean? Or the Lake District.
The Lake District? No flight delays.
You get some very good deals in the winter.
Yeah, because it's winter.
No-one wants to go.
Well, maybe we should wait till August.
Are we suddenly poor or something? No! No, we're not poor.
We're just a bitstrapped.
You know how they say that investments can go down as well as up? Yes? Well, ours have lt was this chap l know in the City.
He asked me if l wanted to invest in a new golf course .
.
in Africa.
Well, there are very few golf courses in Africa.
There are very few golfers.
There's a rising urban elite.
At least there was, until the coup.
How much have we lost? - Si quieres venir el martes - She's at it again.
There can't be that many Spaniards in Britain! She's on the phone to her mother.
lt's her 60th birthday.
- What's wrong with a card? - How much, David? £1 5,000.
You put £1 5,000 of our money into some harebrained scheme? lt was not harebrained.
lt looked like a sure thing.
Oh, right.
Lovely, darling.
What other 'sure things' are we investing in? An off-licence in Saudi, a nightclub in lran? Euro-bloody-tunnel? We do have some Eurotunnel shares, yeah.
David, why didn't you tell me? Well, you weren't interested in the past.
Well, rest assured, l am now.
l suggest you get on the phone to our accountant.
lt's time we reassessed our portfolio.
Jen? No! Right, wipes.
Oh, yeah.
One of them.
What's that for? l don't know! How did our parents cope without all this help? Right.
Baby alarms This one'll do.
No, this one's better.
Yeah, and it's 30 quid more.
You get what you pay for.
Anyway, this one's 'stylishly designed'.
- And you can use it abroad.
- Oh, that is an impressive range.
Pete! lt is recommended by What Baby? And it's 30 quid more.
Do you want the best for our child or not? l had to go to Safeway's.
We've had all the Tesco's boxes.
Remember those two waiters in Berlin? Oh, my God! Rolf and Ralf! Which one did you shag? Neither.
l shagged them both.
You did not? You foul slut! No way! (Phone rings) Hello? Hi, gorgeous, how's it going? Erm, OK.
l'd say we were getting there.
You are brutally throwing stuff out? Yeah, there's an Oxfam piIe right here.
Presuming they want a 20-year-old Blue Peter annual and a small plastic gnome.
l gave you the gnome! And keep the BIue Peter annuaI, it might be worth something.
l'm almost done here.
l'll see you at the house.
Would that be our house? ln the middle of our street.
See you.
Love that girl.
Which one of us do you think he takes after? (Passes wind) Clever boy! You.
Will you change him? Do you know, l wish we could.
Only joking.
l've just got back from work.
l'm a bit knackered.
So am l.
l've still got to get the tea on.
Right, there you go.
Careful, it's a follow-through.
Ooh, you little monkey.
Come here.
Blimey.
Never mind.
We'll clean you up.
Come here.
That's it.
There we go.
Hey! O-oh, tots.
lt's only wee.
lt's only wee.
Right, come here.
Right, up we go.
(Ploop) Jenny! (Turns volume up) Jenny! (Car radio plays) MADNESS: Our House - lt looks like they're moving in next door.
- Really? This is yours? l thought you were throwing stuff out! l was.
l told you.
Yeah, a plant pot and an old Blue Peter annual.
No, l kept the annual.
You told me to! l have tried to get rid of things, but all this stuff is my life.
Well, how old are you? 1 90? (Mimics his Ulster accent) Get a grip, big man.
Thank you.
No milk? No fridge.
Ah-ha.
Fridge.
- And the loo doesn't flush properly.
- Oh, l'm already onto that.
You've fixed it? No, but l've made a note to.
You know what l'm looking forward to most? What? Not having to be apart again.
What about you? Having more space.
l mean look at all this crap.
''The World's Greatest Lover.
'' Who gave you this? Your first boyfriend? - How did you know? - lt's written in crayon.
Do we really need to keep this? Sentimental value.
l have very fond memories of that afternoon.
Fake wedding certificate.
- No, no, no, no.
Let's have a look.
- Adam, give ''Rachel Louise Bradley, and Kris - with a K - Bumstead.
Students.
'' Were they giving these out in rag week or something? Sort of.
lt's not very funny.
No, it wasn't.
That's why it didn't last.
No-one knows Well, except Kris.
l once got married.
What? l know.
lt was a long time ago.
This is real? We were young You were married and you never told me? How could you not tell me, Rach? l forgot.
l've been trying to forget.
- How long did it last? - 23 days.
Then he'd slept with my best friend.
- Bastard.
- l know.
Not him, you! How could you not tell me? lt didn't seem to matter lt was less than a month.
l've had plenty of boyfriends for longer.
Boyfriends, yes.
Husbands, no! Rach.
When did you get divorced? That's the other thing l haven't told you.
Bingo.
Do you want to have sex? - You're joking? - Yes.
Four hours.
lf we're lucky, we might get four hours.
So long as nothing disturbs him.
(Knock at door) (Baby cries) Good.
You're still up.
Come in.
Rachel? Sorry to come round so late.
l tried ringing, but you were engaged.
l thought we were sleeping Ramona.
- What's happened? - She must have the cordless.
We've had a row.
Adam's walked out.
Ramona, get off the phone! Why would he just walk out? Because l told him l'm married.
BOTH: Married? - Married? - Yes, married.
- Rachel's married.
- Married? Yes, married.
ln name only.
Bumstead? Well, l never used it.
Well, you wouldn't, would you? Rachel, l've known you for six years.
You've never mentioned this.
Believe me, l'd remember.
Well, he broke my heart.
Who wants to talk about it? l suppose l hoped it would just go away.
So have you seen your husband since? He and Suzie went off to lndia together, to live in an ashram.
The last time l saw them was the day they left.
Look, Adam will come round.
l mean, you're not going to have a problem getting a divorce! ADAM: She doesn't want one.
- What? - Why? Because l'm insisting on it.
We had a row.
A big row.
She threw my gnome at me.
You're lucky it's plastic.
l feel so betrayed.
How could she not have told me? Adam, all couples have secrets from each other.
- We don't.
- Not that they're married to someone else! Do we? This changes everything.
No, it doesn't.
Rachel's no different.
She has a husband! l'm living with a married woman! - My mother'll have a fit.
- Well, don't tell her! Yeah, it worked for Rachel long enough.
l said to her, ''Listen, you bollocks, you better get a divorce.
'' - What was her reaction? - The gnome.
Then she yelled something about how she won't have me dictating who she can and can't marry.
Anyway, l was gone Oh, yeah, that's another thing.
Can l stay? (Both laugh uproariously, then stop) Well, l see your economy drive hasn't reached your wine cellar.
But l have made one significant saving - l put a lock on the phone.
He lets me have a key.
Right, well, to business.
The Lord giveth, and the lnland Revenue taketh away.
But sometimes they giveth back - a tax rebate.
- ln fact, £1 ,000.
- A skiing holiday.
A chance to recoup some of our losses.
l see.
Your harebrained scheme, our losses.
- So what do you recommend, Larry? - Marriage guidance.
(Chuckles) lt really does depend on how much risk you want to take.
Probably less than you have.
You still have time to take out a PEP, or a unit trust might be worth a look.
- Do you have any literature? - Reams.
Right.
We'll have a look through this lot and make a decision.
l don't think fiscal prudence is quite your forte.
l'm not sure it's yours, old man.
- lsn't your golf course waterlogged? - And Marxist? TV: Mia Farrow was once married to which singer- Tony Bennett or Frank Sinatra? Frank Sinatra.
Frank Sinatra.
Frank Sinatra.
(AppIause) It is so cIose.
Which French general said to his wife, ''Not tonight, Josephine''? (Baby cries) - l missed that answer! At least we know he's not constipated.
(Jenny growls) Please! l'm trying to eat here.
(Crying continues) Doesn't he ever stop crying? - Only when he's asleep.
- Not very often, then.
- Pete? - Yeah? Where's my milk l expressed? lt's not in here.
(Retches) Very funny.
KAREN: It's reaIIy IoveIy, RacheI.
Yeah, it's nice.
Well, it could be nice.
lt's lacking something.
Furniture? Adam.
Ah.
(Silent exchange) How is Adam? Er, yeah, he's fine.
You know, great.
More trouble than the baby.
Yesterday, he offered to baby-sit.
Bye.
Trust me.
We went for a walk, not a long one.
l didn't trust either of them to behave.
Somebody told Adam that newborn babies have a highly-developed survival instinct.
So you can get them to grip a rope, and they'II know not to Iet go.
Thank God he landed in some washing.
What, and Adam told you this? The next-door neighbour did.
Rach, please get a divorce.
Go on.
Eh? For me.
None of us like to be told what to do by our men, and usually it's grounds to do the opposite, but in this case, and l say this as your closest friend, who thought she knew everything about you, l am 1 00%, completely, totally and utterly in Adam's camp on this one.
Me, too.
Look, l am not being stubborn, it's just that l am being stubborn, aren't l? Directory enquiries 1 92.
What if he's ex-directory? As in ex-husband? Can l tell you somethingman to man? l hate my life.
l love the baby, but it's everything else that goes with him.
- Fatherhood.
- lt's hell.
lt's no fun being a house guest either.
l am a complete physical and psychological wreck.
ln Libya, they use babies as instruments of torture, to extract confessions.
- Does Jenny feel the same way? - Oh, no way.
She's a woman.
- Comes naturally to her.
- Mm.
Do you think she'll have dinner ready yet? We'd best give her five minutes.
- Time for a pint, then.
- Pint, yeah.
Piano Hi.
Oh, thanks.
So what do we do here? Kiss, or are you going to take a swing at me? Hiya.
Hi.
ADAM: She's meeting him for a drink? - l thought you'd be pleased.
- That she's on a date with him? lt is not a date.
She just wants to discuss a divorce.
What's to discuss? ''l want a divorce.
'' She could put that on a postcard.
And still have room for ''lots of love'' on the bottom.
lt happens to be over a glass of wine, but l'm telling you, Rachel was dreading it.
lmagine how traumatic she'll find it - dredging up painful memories.
At least l didn't sound like l was having an asthma attack.
(Wheezing gasps) (Grunts) - l was having an asthma attack.
- No? Really? (Both laugh) - Well, at least l didn't weep.
- Oh, once! That happened once, and no other woman's made me do that.
Not even Suzie? Ouch.
- How is she? - Suzie? - Yeah.
- Dunno.
We only lasted about a week.
As soon as we got to lndia, she dumped me for the yoga teacher.
l think he was more supple.
Wow, that is supple.
You know, Suzie never meant anything to me.
Well, more fool you, then.
Yeah.
ADAM: No, no, no, no.
l'm not happy about this, not happy at all.
Clearly too upset to do the drying-up.
l tell you what.
l'll take him out for a pint, cheer him up.
Leave me with the dishes? Sweet.
You two go out.
Don't worry about me.
l'll stay here, baby-sit.
BOTH: No! There you are.
He's woken up - too many blankets.
- Any less, he'd catch a chill.
- Any more, he'd overheat.
- Main cause of cot death.
- What? - l saw it on Casualty.
(Baby crying) Right, Pete.
Can l have a word? Now! Well done.
God, Rachel, it's so good to see you.
lt was worth hitching up from London for.
You hitched? Yeah.
As soon as l got your message.
lt's funny, innit? You run these things over and over in your mind, and they never turn out that way in real life, but this one has.
l always hoped we could be mates again.
You know, we can meet up like this and Anyway You said you had something to talk to me about.
Oh.
Yeah Let's get some more wine.
OK.
What a catch.
What a catch.
- Get a bollocking, did you? - Nah Yeah.
Look, Adam Erm Jenny and me.
l Wethink it's about time you moved on.
You can't be comfortable sleeping on a couch.
Don't worry about me.
l can sleep anywhere.
Erno, you can't.
Not here.
We've been having a difficult time with the baby.
You'd be more than welcome back when he's older - 1 6 or so.
- Jenny wants me to leave? Tonight.
Tonight? l've got to go and pack my bag now? She's already packed it for you.
lt's by the door.
Put your sweet lips - This is a great week.
.
.
up closer to the phone Let's pretend that we're together all alone l'll tell the man to turn the jukebox way down low And you tell your friend Yeah? Can l help you? You'll have to Rachel's boyfriend? Kris.
Rachel's husband? Yeah.
Look, come in, mate.
Make yourself at home.
Sorry, l'm a bit l didn't expect you to be Black? Here.
Where's Rachel? (Toilet flushes) - She erm She had a bit too much to drink.
- Threw up all over my top.
- You were standing that close? lt was projectile.
Adam! l-l wasn't expecting you home.
So it would seem.
- Really glad you're back.
- Why? ls the loo still buggered? Yeah, a little bit, but l've missed you.
Really? l'll go and put some coffee on.
Strong and black, yeah? Excellent.
Since 1 st July, 1 994, UK companies may pay dividends as foreign income dividends.
What does that mean? lt means you don't understand what you're reading.
Who can blame me? l've just read a sentence five lines long with only one verb in it.
- Who writes stuff like that? - Lawyers.
Well, they should have it checked by human beings.
And what's this column of figures? Who cares? The only figure l'm interested in is yours.
(Knock at door) Come in! Forgive to interrupt.
Can l use the telephone, please, because my mother My sister called me and l don't think my mother very well, so is it possible to use the phone? Yes, yes, all right! You want to give me the key again? Yes, Ramona.
- Noches.
- Noches.
(Mimics) Noches.
What does she mean, again? You haven't mentioned the divorce? - l didn't want to rush it.
- You've been separated seven years! - lt's hardly indecent haste! - l will tell him in my own time.
When? l dunno! Well, can you give me a clue? This side of your golden wedding? Adam, look He has had a really rough time recently.
He's been dropped by his record company.
And He's got nowhere else to stay, andand it's only going to be for a couple of days, so you'd just better try and be nice to him.
Are you insane? Fine.
You just get out.
- Me? - Yes.
You said you wanted to move out till we got a divorce.
Well, then, fine.
l'll ring you at Pete and Jenny's.
Sleep tight, then, mate.
Jimmy, Jimmy! Jimmy, Jimmy, o-oh Jimmy, Jimmy! Poor little Jimmy wouldn't let go PETE: So where have you been sIeeping? ln the lounge, on beanbags.
Good job you can sleep anywhere.
Almost anywhere.
- Has Rachel had a word with him yet? - No, and of course l can't say anything, though l've tried dropping hints.
(Over backing track) Our D-l-V-O-R-C-E Becomes final today (Turns stereo off) He's been with us three days.
How can she not have mentioned it? - What could they possibly be talking about? - No, not too close.
Keep the grip a hand's length away from the old man.
Not making much progress, are you? To be honest, l hate golf, but it's the only social life l'm allowed.
Not that l can afford it.
l thought you recently had a raise.
Recently had a baby.
Yeah, l'd forgotten how expensive they are.
Tell me about it.
Do you know, they say by the age of 1 8, a child will have cost you a quarter of a million pounds.
That can't include private schools.
- Or bail.
- We're not thinking of having another.
Not that we've talked about it.
Well, we're not talking at the moment.
Who'd make the same mistake twice? Sorry l forgot you're trying for a second, aren't you? Well, we were.
Right.
Kris.
Adam.
You really don't like him, do you? You really don't like me, do you? l'm ready.
DAVlD: You reaIIy don't Iike him, do you? What bugs me most is that he's soperfect.
First of all, he's fit.
Do you want a hand with that? l can manage.
Second, he's .
.
the gaIIopingfrigging gourmet.
lt should be ready in about 20.
Excellent.
And third, just to make me feel like a total plank (Gentle, melodic strumming) .
.
he's become Didsbury's answer to John bIoody Denver.
You only get one chance in life Well, l didn't make it known You only get one chance at love Well, l didn't take it, yeah lf l could, l know exactly what l'd say to you tonight Oh, if l could, l wouldn't let you walk away Come what may (TV blares) All in all he's everything l'm not.
lncluding married to Rachel.
Excuse me, do you have a calculator, please? (Sighs) Jen, say something to me.
Not now.
Look, l'm sorry for accusing you of giving the baby nappy rash.
Just as l'm sure you didn't mean to imply l love the baby any less than you do.
Jen, what's happened to us? l thought babies brought couples together, not drove them apart.
Pete, it's so hard being a mum.
l know it is, but you're good at it.
No, l'm not.
l'm a failure.
No, l'm a failure, as a husband and a father.
(Baby cries) - Oh, God.
No, wait.
Just let him cry for a little bit.
Look, we're talking, aren't we? That's progress, isn't it? We can't be the first parents to find it difficult.
Everyone else seemed to cope, even my parents.
(Baby continues crying) Oh, God, Pete.
l love you so much.
And l love our baby.
l just wish sometimes that he would just stop (Crying stops) Successful parenting.
(Jenny sighs with relief) l might just check on him.
Yeah.
Kris thinks he might stay in Manchester.
There's more chance of him breaking into the music scene here.
Rachel, you got in touch with Kris to get a divorce.
Now he's practically your lodger! We wouldn't charge him rent.
Look, it's just temporary.
And besides, he's he's reaIIy heIpfuI around the house.
(Flushes) - There you go.
- Adam'll be pleased.
KAREN: And was he? Ooh.
Hang on.
He didn't seem to be.
- Do you think you're being fair to him? - To Adam? - l've let him move back into the bedroom.
- Great.
Hegets on with Kris.
They're almost friends.
They pIay chess together.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Do you remember that old chestnut - two's company? - Mrs Marsden - Thanks.
lt's not like that.
Really? PETE: Left foot blue! - (Contorted cries) Kris is the winner! - Again? - Hey, come on.
Another game.
ADAM: l'll get us some more drinks.
KRlS: Do you want another go? - Yeah.
KRlS: Spin.
He seems like a top bloke.
He's a wanker.
He's certainly supple.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Did you notice it was him suggested Twister? Adam, nobody else wanted to play chess.
Right hand green.
- (Laughs) Oh, no way! KRlS: No, you've got to.
Hey! What are you at? - Look, you're pressing down on me.
- You're pressing up.
Rach, your arse touched.
You're out.
That is not true! Yeah, both cheeks, didn't they, Pete? Come on.
Pack it in.
KRlS: Oh, the undisputed champion.
Yeah, l'll take you up.
- Are you in, Pete? - No.
Oh, no.
Just the two of us.
One on one.
Mano e mano.
Rach, l think you should come back in.
Why? ls someone hurt? No, not yet.
Hey, left foot green, Adam.
(Kris chokes) l think it's time we were going.
Yeah.
Not the only ones.
You put it in a building society? What's wrong with that? At least there's no risk.
No interest.
So, which esteemed investment house did you entrust with our wealth? l don't know.
lt had a blue carpet.
- That must have swung it for you.
- l did shop around.
Well, that we know you're good at.
Did you go to the family planning clinic? No.
Still haven't made up my mind.
We cannot afford another child right now.
l thought we'd agreed.
We agreed to think about it.
Yeah.
Let's think about it tomorrow.
But, darling, l thought you didn't want any costly mistakes.
Oh, don't worry.
Before l leave a deposit, l can make a timely withdrawal.
But, darling, you pinpointed the problem yourself No interest.
Kris.
(Football commentator on TV) - Can l have a word, while Adam's out? (Volume lowered) You know how much l've enjoyed having you here.
Yeah, l know you know.
But we can't go on like this.
Or at all.
Look, the thing is, l'm really glad we're friends and .
.
l loved you once, but l love Adam now.
My future's with him.
And l don't want to jeopardise that.
l never told you the real reason l got in touch with you again.
Oh, this isn't easy.
You want a divorce.
lt's all right.
No problem.
That was easy.
Oh, the other thing is, you've got to move out.
l know you've got nowhere else to go and that you're broke l want to help you with that.
Oh, Rach l couldn't.
lt's not a loan.
l'm paying you off.
Take it and go back to London.
- Don't say you haven't got a price.
- lt's not that.
lt's just that Rachel Look, l don't want to hear it.
OK, then.
Bumstead only has one M.
Oh, sorry.
One other thing.
Rach isn't to know about this, not ever.
You want this to be just our little secret? Please.
l wish you wouldn't do this.
l want to.
OK, then.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Wasn't that game on earlier? Yeah.
These are the highlights.
Well, bye, then, mate.
Bye.
l'll see you.
(Engine starts) Missing you already.
(Phone rings) (Continues ringing) Hello? No, l will not accept the charges! David! Ramona's mother's ill.
She could be dying.
OK.
Put them through.
Ramona! Telephone! Surprise, surprise.
Ramona! Telephone! Erm, uno momento, por favor.
lf you're looking for your investments, they're at the bottom of a very long list.
By the way, is your interest paid monthly, cos l need to buy a stamp.
Don't worry, second class will do.
Qué hay! No te he visto en demasiado tiempo! Yo también, my darling! l don't think her mother could have died.
No.
Ramona! Ramona! That was fun.
l didn't handle it very well, did l? No.
Would sorry help at all? lt might.
Try it.
Adam, l'm sorry.
Come here.
Shall we move in together? Our house.
ln the middle of our street.
l bet you thought we'd never get rid of him.
- Oh, l thought he might be going today.
- Oh, you did, did you? He had 500 bloody good reasons for going.
- So he told you? - What? About our arrangement.
What arrangement? - £500.
- That was our arrangement.
- Who? - What? l gave Kris £500 to go away.
So did l.
Excellent.
There goes one thousand pounds.
There goes our sofa.
This must have set you back a bit.
l thought after the Kris business you were broke.
We are.
Yeah, but some really good friends lent us the money.
(Whispers) Shut up.
l must tell you a story about Karen and money - how to make a million pounds in as many years.
Well, Karen decided to take a greater interest in our finances - doesn't matter why.
Oh, this is jolly comfortable.
- Anyway - Oh, shut up, David.
There once was a girl called Rachel Bradley Whose boyfriend loved her truly, deeplymadly She was married to Kris with a K But now that bollocks with a B has gone away So Rachel's now a divorcee Living with Adam in Dids-bury And Kris with a K, he's now her ex So Rachel with an R, can we have some Sex.
SPACE: Female Of The Species Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me? Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me?