Cold Feet (1997) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
Been feeling so lonely Restless and blue Been heading for nowhere and l'm going there too soon Searching for something when l look in your eyes - Are you coming up, darling? - l've got to finish this.
l just might fall in love Been walking a fine line Living all my time l've taken my chances True romance is what l've missed Strange as it seems when l look in your eyes l know l just might fall in love l could be happy With you by my side You make me tingle inside Knowing that someone feels The same way l do Makes me want to be with you You walked into my life unexpectedly But l'll take my chances Your romance is what l need Life would be grand if you'd just take my hand l know l just might fall in love lt's quite common.
There was a piece in the Observer.
Don't worry.
lt's only the first time.
- Second.
- No.
Don't count then.
l was practically asleep.
You fell asleep.
l think it was the motion.
l'm the same on train journeys.
Oh, how sweet is he! He's got this little smiley face like that.
He's either dreaming or it's wind.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Come on! lt's nearly a month since Adam was born.
Yeah, and stitches take six weeks to heal.
Ryan Giggs got a really nasty gash on his shin and he was fit to play the next weekend.
Not quite childbirth, is it? Oh, come on.
Can't we try? You want me to suffer pain? No.
- l suppose you'll want to sleep now? - No.
l want to lie here and hold you.
And tell you how much l love you.
And then go to sleep.
- Adam! Tell me how much you love me.
- Yeah, OK, OK, OK.
Well, Rachel, l love you .
.
more than there are grains of sand on a beach.
You've used that one already.
Flies round shite? Nice! OK, OK.
As much as l love George Best.
Well, almost.
All right.
- Night.
- Night.
You're not tired yet, are you? Apparently not.
(Both giggle) (Phone rings) - Adam Williams.
- lt's David.
What are you doing tonight? - Um Rach wants to see the new Mel Gibson.
- It's crap.
- What? Have you seen it? - No, it's bound to be.
Could you go another night? l need to have a word.
- Oh, yeah? What about? - Well, it's a bit personal, actually.
Sex? Excellent.
Shall we say squash club, 6:30? OK, see you then.
Bye.
Ho, ho, ho! One, two, three, four, five Sex! Oh, yes! A deciding game.
- What do you want to talk about? - Wait till we've finished.
l'm meeting Rachel at the cinema.
- What? - You never said it was best of five.
But you won the first two.
So go on, then.
Start talking.
lt's a bit embarrassing.
1-0.
l'm listening.
Well, you see Karen and l 2-0.
l can't play and talk! l haven't got time for both.
Well, all right.
You win.
Let's talk.
Christ, it must be serious.
The thing is, Karen and l have .
.
are having a few problems.
ln bed.
Really? What kind of problems? l don't seem to be able to satisfy her.
Well, it seems all right.
l was hoping you could help.
Satisfy Karen? Come on! Look, you shouldn't worry.
Women just sometimes don't have an orgasm.
Or so l've heard it said.
lt's more serious than that.
l can't perform.
- What, really? You're impotent? - Of course not.
lt's no laughing matter.
And it's not impotence.
What would you call it, apart from ''unfortunate''? l seem to have lost the knack.
Momentarily.
Twice.
l'm nervous about trying again.
l wouldn't worry about it.
lt's just brewer's droop.
- Have you been drinking a lot lately? - No, l've given up.
- Maybe you should start again.
- Do you think it would help? No, but it might take your mind off it.
You should talk to your doctor.
l don't like to bother her.
l was hoping you'd help me.
l thought you had to be senile to be impotent.
l am not impotent, all right? All right! Tell you what.
l'll ask around.
See if anyone's got any ideas.
No! All right.
But don't mention my name.
- l've got this friend, right? - Have you seen the new barmaid? What? She is sex.
- She's very attractive, yeah.
- No, no, no.
Attractive is not even close.
Sure.
Anyway, this friend of mine She is the pure distillation of man's basic sexual urges.
She is fantasy made flesh.
- She is - Coming over here.
Watch this.
(Clears throat) Not got any dead ones? Hang on.
You want to be careful doing that.
l can handle it.
(Belches) What are you like? l don't know what's got into me.
l do.
Basically, me and Jen have not had sex since Adam was born.
- l thought he was sleeping now.
- Well, he is.
And so's she.
She's in quarantine.
She's off limits until March 1 2th, 8pm.
Some medical thing.
Oh, l see! And, meanwhile, Pete's getting randy.
With a capital Rrrrrrr.
l'm developing crushes all over the place.
My secretary, Janice.
She's due for retirement.
Right.
Sicko! This friend of mine has the opposite problem.
What friend? No-one you know.
Actually, you do.
He's got a temporary bout of impotence.
He hopes it's temporary.
He was wondering if l'd ever met anyone who might suffer something similar.
A ''friend'' of yours? Yeah.
Yes! Got it! (Coins rattle) Mate, basically you're talking to the wrong man.
My problem isn't getting it up, it's keeping the thing down.
So you haven't got any suggestions for a cure? Apparently, Adam and Rachel are having even less sex than us.
Oh, yeah? Who told you that? Adam.
Talk about your sex lives, do you? Well, no, l don't.
There wouldn't be much to talk about.
Does Adam? Well, he always tries to pretend it's about someone else.
What's all that about? ''l've got this friend who's got a problem.
'' l mean, it's pathetic.
l take it you were sympathetic.
Well Boys! What are you like? You're never happier than when your mate's unhappy.
That's not true, but it is quite funny.
You know what happens there, don't you? Oh, yes? My parents are coming to stay.
You're joking! - (Squeaks) l'm a funny lady! - Jen, don't do that to me.
Be patient, Casanova.
l probably shouldn't mention this.
Bugger it.
Adam and Rachel Not getting on, apparently.
We saw them at the weekend.
They seemed fine.
Downstairs department.
Sexually.
Yeah, Adam told Pete.
ln a roundabout sort of way, like they do.
What seems to be the problem? l don't know.
Pete was a bit vague, which is annoying.
l got the impression it's just gone a bit stale.
That's weird.
Last time Rach and l talked sex, she said they were doing it more than ever.
Really? Probably trying to get it right.
l hadn't thought of that.
No, please, don't touch me! lt makes me realise how dead my skin feels.
Would it help if l was to tell you we're not the only ones having problems with sex? Oh, good.
You mean, there are other losers out there? Let's form a support group.
- Who is it? Your sister, l suppose.
- David, that's mean.
Anyway, she'd have to find a man first.
No, actually.
Adam and Rachel.
Adam? Women just sometimes don't have an orgasm.
Or so l've heard it's said.
Little shit! He never said.
- Why would he? - Because l told him.
Yeah.
What seems to be the matter? Jenny wasn't sure.
One of them is failing to set the other alight.
lt must be Adam.
l can't see Rachel being a letdown.
What exactly do you mean by that? A man's only got to look at Rachel to get a She's pretty attractive.
Not as much as you.
This has cheered me up no end.
David, are you sure you want to do this? Absolutely.
Honestly.
lt doesn't matter.
Let's just go to sleep, shall we? David.
Oh, a bit jumpy, aren't you? No, no, no.
Just focused.
''Keeping Up.
'' What's that about? How to get ahead.
How to get ahead in business.
Mmm l hear you oppose moving production to Thailand.
Oh, l wouldn't go that far.
But the Bradford job losses would be a PR disaster.
- You're not going soft on me, are you? - Pardon? Do you have a problem with Bangkok? You'd better be up for it.
We can't pull out now.
You know how stiff the competition is.
We can't afford a cockup.
We must stand firm.
There's no room for limp dicks.
Do you hear what l'm saying? Limp dicks.
What? Oh, yes.
Perfectly.
Good.
Oh, terrible news about Clive.
- Clive? - We're letting him go.
- l had no idea.
- Neither does heyet.
Ramona, have you seen last week's Observer? lt's in my room.
l'm reading it to practise my English.
l read an interesting article about importance.
''lmportance''? Yeah, you know, important men who cannot sex their woman.
Very strange.
l never hear of this problem before.
Yes, well, you're from Spain.
You wouldn't have.
ls David still important, then? A VlP.
God, that must be so frustrating for him.
And you.
The worst part is having to buoy up his ego when l'm the one being sold short.
You must have to do the same for Adam.
No.
Oh.
Oh, so it's you, not him? Er, listen, Rachel Adam told Pete something that l think l'd better tell you.
Game, set and match.
You're game's crap.
l take it you're still not rising to the occasion.
Let's have another game.
Are you sure? You're 4-0 down.
- The court's still booked.
- Only for another five minutes.
Still, at this rate, we might get a couple of games in.
You're well-pleased with yourself.
- Well, l'm playing quite well.
- l mean generally.
You think you're at the top.
Let me ask you this? Who's in the worse position? The guy who knows he's got a problem, or the guy who doesn't know? - Are you saying l've got a problem? - Didn't you know? No.
l'd say you have.
Big problem.
No, hang on.
Hang on.
What? What's my problem? Rachel is apparently dissatisfied with your performance in bed.
Wh-wh-what?! l don't think so! - How do you know? - Karen told me.
Karen? She and Rachel are very close.
Uh-huh.
1-0.
2-0.
(Both pant) That was fantastic.
Wasn't it? - Leading the witness.
- What? That was fantastic.
- Wasn't it? - Mmm.
- What else is she going to say? - l don't know.
- So he himself said it was fantastic? - Yesbut Adam's very polite.
''Thank you'' would have been nice.
lt's not what she says.
lt's how she says it that's important.
Was it like Hmm.
Or was it more like Mmmm! Somewhere in between.
Were there any other signs? Like what? You know, did she Rach, did you? You didn't ask her? You should never ask 'em.
- Why not? - Because it admits the possibility of failure.
Besides, she's bound to say Yes.
KAREN: And did you? No, l was too tense, worrying that l was doing everything right.
l knew she was lying.
l was gutted.
RACHEL: Then he roIIs over and goes to sIeep without so much as a cuddIe.
l must admit, Rach, it doesn't look good.
Not good at all.
Something for the weekend, madam? - What do you think of this? - Christ! Does it carry a health warning? That will give him a heart attack.
Particularly if he sees the price! Must be for the name.
The sad thing is, he used to prefer me with nothing on.
Verdict? And our survey says - l'll get it.
- Yeah.
lt'll look lovely on you, that.
l'm really pleased for you.
- Can l assist you in any way? - What? Do you have any books on sexual technique? Advanced sexual technique.
Straight or gay? Straight.
Second shelf.
Beyond the necrophilia.
Scoobydoobydoo! (Chuckles) Come on, Tiger.
Hoorah! Oh Love Have you forgotten something? l love you.
No.
Condom.
We don't use condoms.
No We didn't use condoms.
We bloody well do now.
A-ha-ha! A-ha! - No good.
- Hey? So, they're not ribbed, but they'll do.
- They're past the sell-by date.
- What? Only by a year.
Come on, Jen.
You don't have to eat the bloody thing.
lf you don't want to.
l'm not getting pregnant cos of rubber fatigue.
We'll do without, then.
- Come on, l'll be careful.
- Not in a million years! l've seen you play football.
l know what your timing's like.
(Truck horn blares) - Sorry, mate.
You just missed last orders.
- No, l don't need a drink.
- That's all right, then.
- Can l use your loo? - Piss off! - No, l don't need a wee.
What do you need, then? A good slapping? l need to buy a condom.
Eh? l've got this bird, right? She's a blinder.
Mad for it.
- Bit tasty, is she? - Peach.
Mustn't keep the lady waiting.
Jen Jenny, l got one.
Never been used.
Jenny Jen? (Snores) (Chuckles) Just don't say anything, OK? - Are you still in the bathroom? - I won't be Iong now.
Phwoooor! Just coming.
PETE: What did you think? l can't be satisfying her if she feels the need to kick-start me.
Yes, but didn't it turn you on? Fantastic Sex had already done that.
This just cocked the trigger.
lt had the desired effect, then? Well, it certainly worked for me.
lf speed's a measure of pleasure, l'd say it worked for him as well, except that afterwards Rach? Yeah? Do you think we're adventurous enough in bed? - How do you mean? - Well, l mean We've been together over a year now and there aren't that many different ways we make love.
Well, how many are there? Loads we haven't tried, according to this.
- We haven't got a hammock.
- No, nor a horse, but um there's an interesting section about acting out your fantasies.
- He wants you to act out his fantasies? - Worse, he wants to act out mine.
Worse? Shit, it sounds great.
- But l haven't got any.
- Bollocks.
Mmm.
Everybody has.
Well, l haven't.
- Use your imagination.
- Just think of anything.
Like being taken by a great big, fat, old, scuzzy businessman.
Nice.
No.
No.
No.
You're a simple, hard-working Victorian maid, performing your daily chores, when the firm hand of your master pins you to the parquet.
''You're a whore, but l love you.
'' ''Quiet, mistress might hear.
'' Something like that.
Off the top of my head.
Oh, come on, Rach.
There must be something you've always secretly craved.
Well, there is one thing.
Making love in a shop window? That's a bit public.
l think that's the point.
l know what my fantasy would be.
Well, lads.
lt's been a joy.
But not as great as the joy that awaits me at home.
D'Artagnan, Aramis, l bid you good night.
Have you got everything? Packet of 1 2.
Quite a night.
At least he's happy.
l saw a new book about your problem.
Keeping Up? l've already got it.
lt starts promisingly but doesn't live up to expectations.
l've decided it's time for professional help.
You're going to see a shrink? A prostitute.
l'll be two minutes.
Two minutes.
Making love in a shop window? What are you thinking? Oh, nothing.
You liar.
lt's nothing important.
Just how much our lives have changed.
That's true.
We never used to have to keep the noise down during sex.
Only when your parents stayed.
Are you happy? Yeah.
Of course l am.
And so you should be.
l know.
l know.
lt's just lt's just not the same.
Sex.
Cos Jenny's had a baby? She's bound to sag but she'll firm up.
Not like that! l mean, she's different.
She's a mother.
Take that woman there.
The one with the shopping bags.
Do you think she's a mother? - Yes.
- Do you fancy her? No.
Take that woman over there.
The one with the bIonde hair.
- Do you think she's a mother? - No.
- Do you fancy her? - Oh, yes.
Hang on.
She's about 50 years older than her.
What about her over there? Do you fancy her? ls she a mother? (Buzzing) WOMAN: CouId you wait a minute? - Sure, yeah.
No problem.
OK, you're on.
First fIoor.
- Can l get you a drink? - That's very kind of you.
Yeah, beer.
lt's a nice place you've got here.
lf you work at home, you might as well make it comfortable.
This is your first time, right? How did you know? Look, l expect youwant to be paid upfront.
That much TV gets right.
£60.
Sure.
Sure.
What's your name, sweetheart? - Adam.
- And your real name? David.
Right, Adam.
We're going to take this .
.
nice and easy.
Can't we just Could we just talk first? Whatever you want, Adam.
The meter's running.
Call me David.
So, what's your name? - Trixie.
- And your real name? Trixie.
Oh, sorry.
Well, it suits you.
- l mean - Why are you here, David? Well, l er l-l'm .
.
impotent.
- No, you're not.
- That's easy for you say.
- Look, you've done it before, right? - Oh, yeah.
And you'll be able to do it again.
lt's just for the moment you can't stand and deliver.
- Do you really think so? - Sweetie, it's practically common.
l must have seen it six times.
- Hell, impotence has earned me - £360.
You work with figures, right? Look, no offence, but you're all the same.
Stressed out in top jobs.
l've had 'em all.
A judge, a surgeon, a management consultant.
- Oh, who was that? - Make that two management consultants.
You see, the thing is this is affecting my work.
l used to be a power in the office.
Now l have to queue for the coffee.
You see, the way l see it is l've got to get my manhood back.
l reckon if l can have just .
.
one shag Excuse the pun, David, but you're coming at this all wrong.
You've got to get on top of your job, then your wife.
- Do you think so? - Honey, l know so.
That judge l mentioned After seeing me, he sent two bank robbers down for life.
Their families weren't pleased, but his secretary was! Yeah.
Thank you, Trixie, l Yeah.
Absolutely, yeah.
l love guys who can't get it up.
They tip big and they don't leave a mess.
Yes.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So, what's the crack? - l'm cheating on my wife.
- Shut up.
l'm cheating on my wife.
Shit! Who with? No! You bastard! You bastard.
- She's playing it very cool.
- She doesn't know.
What? Last night, me and Jen were in bed together.
(Sighs) We haven't made much impression on your packet of 1 2.
l didn't want to force myself on you.
Why not? lt sounds good to me.
Cos l've been a bad, bad girl, master.
Can we skip this part, please? No.
We were reaIIy going at it.
WeII, Jen was.
And I just feIt Iike Jane Fonda in KIute.
When she's in bed with Donald Sutherland.
- You didn't look at your watch? - l wasn't wearing it.
Yes, squire! Dobemeanto me.
Yeah, yeah Youbastard.
ADAM: Hang on a minute.
Where does she come in? Just aboutnow.
- Oh, you're great! - Oh, yes! Oh, Pete.
You're fantastic.
Oh, Pete.
Oh, you're so big.
You dirty oId sod! She's got a tattoo of a dolphin on her left buttock.
- She hasn't! - No, probably not.
l feel like l've betrayed Jenny.
ln your mind.
That doesn't count.
Did Jenny complain? JENNY: Yes! Yes! Yes! No.
Coffee, please, Sam, and get me Martin on the phone.
Martin, my office now.
What kept you? What time did l want that report? - By 1 1 :00.
- And what time is it now? 1 1 :1 5.
There was a problem with the photocopying.
Martin, don't bring me problems, solve them.
Yes, David.
- NataIie, come in.
Coffee? - Please.
Another coffee, Sam.
ls there something l can do for you? l only wish there were.
The Conways move to Bangkok The collapse of the Thai economy makes it less attractive? Bradford's working to ruIe.
lt's a disaster.
No, it's an opportunity.
- We can turn it to our advantage.
- l don't see how.
We plant a piece in the FT, claiming Bangkok is the best move.
- lt goes ahead whatever.
- That'll impress the unions.
- They'll strike immediately.
- Hopefully.
The workers will soon notice the hole in their pay.
- And then? - We call off the move, bowing to local pressure, in return for increased productivity and no pay rise for a year.
- Two years.
- You strike a hard bargain.
Conways' Managers will know we goofed.
We'll tell them we kept them in the dark so they wouldn't be compromised.
David, that's brilliant! l can be.
Where did you get the key? A guy l know at work.
He does weekend shifts here.
- Did you have to explain why we needed them? - l said it was for late-night shopping! Of course l had to explain.
Look, don't worry, he's fine.
He even said he'd rearrange the shop for us.
Are you sure you want to do this? The things l do for love.
Come on, girl.
(TV on) Coming up? Now Please.
l want to see this debate about the common agricultural policy.
lnteresting.
One for Pete, and one for Pete.
Come on, Tiger.
Are you sure no-one can see us? Rachel, there is no-one to see us.
We'd better make this a quickie.
Not a problem! (Key in lock) What was that? - lt's burglars! - Who would burgle a charity shop? (Door closing) Or lock up afterwards.
Go on.
(Pants) - We seem to have a problem.
- You've got the keys.
l've got a key.
lt's been double-locked by the office upstairs.
- We're locked in? - Only till morning.
Don't worry.
We can hide.
lf someone comes in, we can pretend we're customers.
Look, come on.
We're here now.
We may as well make the most of it.
Jen, no.
Stop.
You what? Stop, stop, stop.
We've got to talk.
- Eh? - We've got to talk.
Adam, l love you.
(Sirens) Oi! Stay where you are.
Police.
Don't move! Put your hands over your heads.
Maybe you'd better put them back down again.
To be honest, love, you know l was worried about doing it after so long.
The whole having a baby thing l thought sex might be different.
Anyway, it turns out it was.
For you.
Yeah, l know.
lt's my problem.
lt's not.
lt's our problem if you don't fancy me any more.
l do.
l will.
You know, when we got married, sex was different than when we first went out.
Less frequent.
Wellit was less frantic.
Yeah, but it was still good fun.
Well, exactly.
You know But it had changed, hadn't it? Like our relationship had changed and And l think l think that sex will, you know, go on changing.
You know, every year.
Till we're 70.
Urgh! You don't think we'll still be having sex when we're 70? Well, yeah.
Why not? There won't be much movement involved but it'll still be us.
My point is this, that having a baby is a big change.
You know, for both of us, love.
l'm still your wife.
And a mother.
You always fancied three in a bed.
Think you can handle us? Maybe one at a time.
What's it to be tonight, then? Motheror lover? Hold me, Mummy.
David, you're back.
And how! (Tiger's growl) - (Laughter outside) - All right, that's enough.
l'll only be five minutes.
(Laughter) Hey, don't l know you? l don't have a record Yet.
l was at the birth of your mate's baby.
Adam, isn't it? - Preston! - How's the little fella doing? - Oh, fine.
Great.
- He's just started smiling.
That's always a lovely moment.
So Do you want to tell me about it? - Rachel wanted to make love in public.
- No, l did not.
- Yes, you did.
lt's your sexual fantasy.
- Yes, and you insisted on acting it out.
We'd been having problems in bed.
- He's not been happy.
- lt's you who's been dissatisfied.
Since when? You mean you haven't? And you haven't either? lt's good to talk.
RACHEL: It was nice of him to Iet us go.
lt was nice, full stop.
l want to do it again.
Won't being in our own bed be a letdown? We could always open the window.
Open the window! Open the window! (Pete and Jenny moan) (Pete laughs) PETE: Thank you!
l just might fall in love Been walking a fine line Living all my time l've taken my chances True romance is what l've missed Strange as it seems when l look in your eyes l know l just might fall in love l could be happy With you by my side You make me tingle inside Knowing that someone feels The same way l do Makes me want to be with you You walked into my life unexpectedly But l'll take my chances Your romance is what l need Life would be grand if you'd just take my hand l know l just might fall in love lt's quite common.
There was a piece in the Observer.
Don't worry.
lt's only the first time.
- Second.
- No.
Don't count then.
l was practically asleep.
You fell asleep.
l think it was the motion.
l'm the same on train journeys.
Oh, how sweet is he! He's got this little smiley face like that.
He's either dreaming or it's wind.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Come on! lt's nearly a month since Adam was born.
Yeah, and stitches take six weeks to heal.
Ryan Giggs got a really nasty gash on his shin and he was fit to play the next weekend.
Not quite childbirth, is it? Oh, come on.
Can't we try? You want me to suffer pain? No.
- l suppose you'll want to sleep now? - No.
l want to lie here and hold you.
And tell you how much l love you.
And then go to sleep.
- Adam! Tell me how much you love me.
- Yeah, OK, OK, OK.
Well, Rachel, l love you .
.
more than there are grains of sand on a beach.
You've used that one already.
Flies round shite? Nice! OK, OK.
As much as l love George Best.
Well, almost.
All right.
- Night.
- Night.
You're not tired yet, are you? Apparently not.
(Both giggle) (Phone rings) - Adam Williams.
- lt's David.
What are you doing tonight? - Um Rach wants to see the new Mel Gibson.
- It's crap.
- What? Have you seen it? - No, it's bound to be.
Could you go another night? l need to have a word.
- Oh, yeah? What about? - Well, it's a bit personal, actually.
Sex? Excellent.
Shall we say squash club, 6:30? OK, see you then.
Bye.
Ho, ho, ho! One, two, three, four, five Sex! Oh, yes! A deciding game.
- What do you want to talk about? - Wait till we've finished.
l'm meeting Rachel at the cinema.
- What? - You never said it was best of five.
But you won the first two.
So go on, then.
Start talking.
lt's a bit embarrassing.
1-0.
l'm listening.
Well, you see Karen and l 2-0.
l can't play and talk! l haven't got time for both.
Well, all right.
You win.
Let's talk.
Christ, it must be serious.
The thing is, Karen and l have .
.
are having a few problems.
ln bed.
Really? What kind of problems? l don't seem to be able to satisfy her.
Well, it seems all right.
l was hoping you could help.
Satisfy Karen? Come on! Look, you shouldn't worry.
Women just sometimes don't have an orgasm.
Or so l've heard it said.
lt's more serious than that.
l can't perform.
- What, really? You're impotent? - Of course not.
lt's no laughing matter.
And it's not impotence.
What would you call it, apart from ''unfortunate''? l seem to have lost the knack.
Momentarily.
Twice.
l'm nervous about trying again.
l wouldn't worry about it.
lt's just brewer's droop.
- Have you been drinking a lot lately? - No, l've given up.
- Maybe you should start again.
- Do you think it would help? No, but it might take your mind off it.
You should talk to your doctor.
l don't like to bother her.
l was hoping you'd help me.
l thought you had to be senile to be impotent.
l am not impotent, all right? All right! Tell you what.
l'll ask around.
See if anyone's got any ideas.
No! All right.
But don't mention my name.
- l've got this friend, right? - Have you seen the new barmaid? What? She is sex.
- She's very attractive, yeah.
- No, no, no.
Attractive is not even close.
Sure.
Anyway, this friend of mine She is the pure distillation of man's basic sexual urges.
She is fantasy made flesh.
- She is - Coming over here.
Watch this.
(Clears throat) Not got any dead ones? Hang on.
You want to be careful doing that.
l can handle it.
(Belches) What are you like? l don't know what's got into me.
l do.
Basically, me and Jen have not had sex since Adam was born.
- l thought he was sleeping now.
- Well, he is.
And so's she.
She's in quarantine.
She's off limits until March 1 2th, 8pm.
Some medical thing.
Oh, l see! And, meanwhile, Pete's getting randy.
With a capital Rrrrrrr.
l'm developing crushes all over the place.
My secretary, Janice.
She's due for retirement.
Right.
Sicko! This friend of mine has the opposite problem.
What friend? No-one you know.
Actually, you do.
He's got a temporary bout of impotence.
He hopes it's temporary.
He was wondering if l'd ever met anyone who might suffer something similar.
A ''friend'' of yours? Yeah.
Yes! Got it! (Coins rattle) Mate, basically you're talking to the wrong man.
My problem isn't getting it up, it's keeping the thing down.
So you haven't got any suggestions for a cure? Apparently, Adam and Rachel are having even less sex than us.
Oh, yeah? Who told you that? Adam.
Talk about your sex lives, do you? Well, no, l don't.
There wouldn't be much to talk about.
Does Adam? Well, he always tries to pretend it's about someone else.
What's all that about? ''l've got this friend who's got a problem.
'' l mean, it's pathetic.
l take it you were sympathetic.
Well Boys! What are you like? You're never happier than when your mate's unhappy.
That's not true, but it is quite funny.
You know what happens there, don't you? Oh, yes? My parents are coming to stay.
You're joking! - (Squeaks) l'm a funny lady! - Jen, don't do that to me.
Be patient, Casanova.
l probably shouldn't mention this.
Bugger it.
Adam and Rachel Not getting on, apparently.
We saw them at the weekend.
They seemed fine.
Downstairs department.
Sexually.
Yeah, Adam told Pete.
ln a roundabout sort of way, like they do.
What seems to be the problem? l don't know.
Pete was a bit vague, which is annoying.
l got the impression it's just gone a bit stale.
That's weird.
Last time Rach and l talked sex, she said they were doing it more than ever.
Really? Probably trying to get it right.
l hadn't thought of that.
No, please, don't touch me! lt makes me realise how dead my skin feels.
Would it help if l was to tell you we're not the only ones having problems with sex? Oh, good.
You mean, there are other losers out there? Let's form a support group.
- Who is it? Your sister, l suppose.
- David, that's mean.
Anyway, she'd have to find a man first.
No, actually.
Adam and Rachel.
Adam? Women just sometimes don't have an orgasm.
Or so l've heard it's said.
Little shit! He never said.
- Why would he? - Because l told him.
Yeah.
What seems to be the matter? Jenny wasn't sure.
One of them is failing to set the other alight.
lt must be Adam.
l can't see Rachel being a letdown.
What exactly do you mean by that? A man's only got to look at Rachel to get a She's pretty attractive.
Not as much as you.
This has cheered me up no end.
David, are you sure you want to do this? Absolutely.
Honestly.
lt doesn't matter.
Let's just go to sleep, shall we? David.
Oh, a bit jumpy, aren't you? No, no, no.
Just focused.
''Keeping Up.
'' What's that about? How to get ahead.
How to get ahead in business.
Mmm l hear you oppose moving production to Thailand.
Oh, l wouldn't go that far.
But the Bradford job losses would be a PR disaster.
- You're not going soft on me, are you? - Pardon? Do you have a problem with Bangkok? You'd better be up for it.
We can't pull out now.
You know how stiff the competition is.
We can't afford a cockup.
We must stand firm.
There's no room for limp dicks.
Do you hear what l'm saying? Limp dicks.
What? Oh, yes.
Perfectly.
Good.
Oh, terrible news about Clive.
- Clive? - We're letting him go.
- l had no idea.
- Neither does heyet.
Ramona, have you seen last week's Observer? lt's in my room.
l'm reading it to practise my English.
l read an interesting article about importance.
''lmportance''? Yeah, you know, important men who cannot sex their woman.
Very strange.
l never hear of this problem before.
Yes, well, you're from Spain.
You wouldn't have.
ls David still important, then? A VlP.
God, that must be so frustrating for him.
And you.
The worst part is having to buoy up his ego when l'm the one being sold short.
You must have to do the same for Adam.
No.
Oh.
Oh, so it's you, not him? Er, listen, Rachel Adam told Pete something that l think l'd better tell you.
Game, set and match.
You're game's crap.
l take it you're still not rising to the occasion.
Let's have another game.
Are you sure? You're 4-0 down.
- The court's still booked.
- Only for another five minutes.
Still, at this rate, we might get a couple of games in.
You're well-pleased with yourself.
- Well, l'm playing quite well.
- l mean generally.
You think you're at the top.
Let me ask you this? Who's in the worse position? The guy who knows he's got a problem, or the guy who doesn't know? - Are you saying l've got a problem? - Didn't you know? No.
l'd say you have.
Big problem.
No, hang on.
Hang on.
What? What's my problem? Rachel is apparently dissatisfied with your performance in bed.
Wh-wh-what?! l don't think so! - How do you know? - Karen told me.
Karen? She and Rachel are very close.
Uh-huh.
1-0.
2-0.
(Both pant) That was fantastic.
Wasn't it? - Leading the witness.
- What? That was fantastic.
- Wasn't it? - Mmm.
- What else is she going to say? - l don't know.
- So he himself said it was fantastic? - Yesbut Adam's very polite.
''Thank you'' would have been nice.
lt's not what she says.
lt's how she says it that's important.
Was it like Hmm.
Or was it more like Mmmm! Somewhere in between.
Were there any other signs? Like what? You know, did she Rach, did you? You didn't ask her? You should never ask 'em.
- Why not? - Because it admits the possibility of failure.
Besides, she's bound to say Yes.
KAREN: And did you? No, l was too tense, worrying that l was doing everything right.
l knew she was lying.
l was gutted.
RACHEL: Then he roIIs over and goes to sIeep without so much as a cuddIe.
l must admit, Rach, it doesn't look good.
Not good at all.
Something for the weekend, madam? - What do you think of this? - Christ! Does it carry a health warning? That will give him a heart attack.
Particularly if he sees the price! Must be for the name.
The sad thing is, he used to prefer me with nothing on.
Verdict? And our survey says - l'll get it.
- Yeah.
lt'll look lovely on you, that.
l'm really pleased for you.
- Can l assist you in any way? - What? Do you have any books on sexual technique? Advanced sexual technique.
Straight or gay? Straight.
Second shelf.
Beyond the necrophilia.
Scoobydoobydoo! (Chuckles) Come on, Tiger.
Hoorah! Oh Love Have you forgotten something? l love you.
No.
Condom.
We don't use condoms.
No We didn't use condoms.
We bloody well do now.
A-ha-ha! A-ha! - No good.
- Hey? So, they're not ribbed, but they'll do.
- They're past the sell-by date.
- What? Only by a year.
Come on, Jen.
You don't have to eat the bloody thing.
lf you don't want to.
l'm not getting pregnant cos of rubber fatigue.
We'll do without, then.
- Come on, l'll be careful.
- Not in a million years! l've seen you play football.
l know what your timing's like.
(Truck horn blares) - Sorry, mate.
You just missed last orders.
- No, l don't need a drink.
- That's all right, then.
- Can l use your loo? - Piss off! - No, l don't need a wee.
What do you need, then? A good slapping? l need to buy a condom.
Eh? l've got this bird, right? She's a blinder.
Mad for it.
- Bit tasty, is she? - Peach.
Mustn't keep the lady waiting.
Jen Jenny, l got one.
Never been used.
Jenny Jen? (Snores) (Chuckles) Just don't say anything, OK? - Are you still in the bathroom? - I won't be Iong now.
Phwoooor! Just coming.
PETE: What did you think? l can't be satisfying her if she feels the need to kick-start me.
Yes, but didn't it turn you on? Fantastic Sex had already done that.
This just cocked the trigger.
lt had the desired effect, then? Well, it certainly worked for me.
lf speed's a measure of pleasure, l'd say it worked for him as well, except that afterwards Rach? Yeah? Do you think we're adventurous enough in bed? - How do you mean? - Well, l mean We've been together over a year now and there aren't that many different ways we make love.
Well, how many are there? Loads we haven't tried, according to this.
- We haven't got a hammock.
- No, nor a horse, but um there's an interesting section about acting out your fantasies.
- He wants you to act out his fantasies? - Worse, he wants to act out mine.
Worse? Shit, it sounds great.
- But l haven't got any.
- Bollocks.
Mmm.
Everybody has.
Well, l haven't.
- Use your imagination.
- Just think of anything.
Like being taken by a great big, fat, old, scuzzy businessman.
Nice.
No.
No.
No.
You're a simple, hard-working Victorian maid, performing your daily chores, when the firm hand of your master pins you to the parquet.
''You're a whore, but l love you.
'' ''Quiet, mistress might hear.
'' Something like that.
Off the top of my head.
Oh, come on, Rach.
There must be something you've always secretly craved.
Well, there is one thing.
Making love in a shop window? That's a bit public.
l think that's the point.
l know what my fantasy would be.
Well, lads.
lt's been a joy.
But not as great as the joy that awaits me at home.
D'Artagnan, Aramis, l bid you good night.
Have you got everything? Packet of 1 2.
Quite a night.
At least he's happy.
l saw a new book about your problem.
Keeping Up? l've already got it.
lt starts promisingly but doesn't live up to expectations.
l've decided it's time for professional help.
You're going to see a shrink? A prostitute.
l'll be two minutes.
Two minutes.
Making love in a shop window? What are you thinking? Oh, nothing.
You liar.
lt's nothing important.
Just how much our lives have changed.
That's true.
We never used to have to keep the noise down during sex.
Only when your parents stayed.
Are you happy? Yeah.
Of course l am.
And so you should be.
l know.
l know.
lt's just lt's just not the same.
Sex.
Cos Jenny's had a baby? She's bound to sag but she'll firm up.
Not like that! l mean, she's different.
She's a mother.
Take that woman there.
The one with the shopping bags.
Do you think she's a mother? - Yes.
- Do you fancy her? No.
Take that woman over there.
The one with the bIonde hair.
- Do you think she's a mother? - No.
- Do you fancy her? - Oh, yes.
Hang on.
She's about 50 years older than her.
What about her over there? Do you fancy her? ls she a mother? (Buzzing) WOMAN: CouId you wait a minute? - Sure, yeah.
No problem.
OK, you're on.
First fIoor.
- Can l get you a drink? - That's very kind of you.
Yeah, beer.
lt's a nice place you've got here.
lf you work at home, you might as well make it comfortable.
This is your first time, right? How did you know? Look, l expect youwant to be paid upfront.
That much TV gets right.
£60.
Sure.
Sure.
What's your name, sweetheart? - Adam.
- And your real name? David.
Right, Adam.
We're going to take this .
.
nice and easy.
Can't we just Could we just talk first? Whatever you want, Adam.
The meter's running.
Call me David.
So, what's your name? - Trixie.
- And your real name? Trixie.
Oh, sorry.
Well, it suits you.
- l mean - Why are you here, David? Well, l er l-l'm .
.
impotent.
- No, you're not.
- That's easy for you say.
- Look, you've done it before, right? - Oh, yeah.
And you'll be able to do it again.
lt's just for the moment you can't stand and deliver.
- Do you really think so? - Sweetie, it's practically common.
l must have seen it six times.
- Hell, impotence has earned me - £360.
You work with figures, right? Look, no offence, but you're all the same.
Stressed out in top jobs.
l've had 'em all.
A judge, a surgeon, a management consultant.
- Oh, who was that? - Make that two management consultants.
You see, the thing is this is affecting my work.
l used to be a power in the office.
Now l have to queue for the coffee.
You see, the way l see it is l've got to get my manhood back.
l reckon if l can have just .
.
one shag Excuse the pun, David, but you're coming at this all wrong.
You've got to get on top of your job, then your wife.
- Do you think so? - Honey, l know so.
That judge l mentioned After seeing me, he sent two bank robbers down for life.
Their families weren't pleased, but his secretary was! Yeah.
Thank you, Trixie, l Yeah.
Absolutely, yeah.
l love guys who can't get it up.
They tip big and they don't leave a mess.
Yes.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So, what's the crack? - l'm cheating on my wife.
- Shut up.
l'm cheating on my wife.
Shit! Who with? No! You bastard! You bastard.
- She's playing it very cool.
- She doesn't know.
What? Last night, me and Jen were in bed together.
(Sighs) We haven't made much impression on your packet of 1 2.
l didn't want to force myself on you.
Why not? lt sounds good to me.
Cos l've been a bad, bad girl, master.
Can we skip this part, please? No.
We were reaIIy going at it.
WeII, Jen was.
And I just feIt Iike Jane Fonda in KIute.
When she's in bed with Donald Sutherland.
- You didn't look at your watch? - l wasn't wearing it.
Yes, squire! Dobemeanto me.
Yeah, yeah Youbastard.
ADAM: Hang on a minute.
Where does she come in? Just aboutnow.
- Oh, you're great! - Oh, yes! Oh, Pete.
You're fantastic.
Oh, Pete.
Oh, you're so big.
You dirty oId sod! She's got a tattoo of a dolphin on her left buttock.
- She hasn't! - No, probably not.
l feel like l've betrayed Jenny.
ln your mind.
That doesn't count.
Did Jenny complain? JENNY: Yes! Yes! Yes! No.
Coffee, please, Sam, and get me Martin on the phone.
Martin, my office now.
What kept you? What time did l want that report? - By 1 1 :00.
- And what time is it now? 1 1 :1 5.
There was a problem with the photocopying.
Martin, don't bring me problems, solve them.
Yes, David.
- NataIie, come in.
Coffee? - Please.
Another coffee, Sam.
ls there something l can do for you? l only wish there were.
The Conways move to Bangkok The collapse of the Thai economy makes it less attractive? Bradford's working to ruIe.
lt's a disaster.
No, it's an opportunity.
- We can turn it to our advantage.
- l don't see how.
We plant a piece in the FT, claiming Bangkok is the best move.
- lt goes ahead whatever.
- That'll impress the unions.
- They'll strike immediately.
- Hopefully.
The workers will soon notice the hole in their pay.
- And then? - We call off the move, bowing to local pressure, in return for increased productivity and no pay rise for a year.
- Two years.
- You strike a hard bargain.
Conways' Managers will know we goofed.
We'll tell them we kept them in the dark so they wouldn't be compromised.
David, that's brilliant! l can be.
Where did you get the key? A guy l know at work.
He does weekend shifts here.
- Did you have to explain why we needed them? - l said it was for late-night shopping! Of course l had to explain.
Look, don't worry, he's fine.
He even said he'd rearrange the shop for us.
Are you sure you want to do this? The things l do for love.
Come on, girl.
(TV on) Coming up? Now Please.
l want to see this debate about the common agricultural policy.
lnteresting.
One for Pete, and one for Pete.
Come on, Tiger.
Are you sure no-one can see us? Rachel, there is no-one to see us.
We'd better make this a quickie.
Not a problem! (Key in lock) What was that? - lt's burglars! - Who would burgle a charity shop? (Door closing) Or lock up afterwards.
Go on.
(Pants) - We seem to have a problem.
- You've got the keys.
l've got a key.
lt's been double-locked by the office upstairs.
- We're locked in? - Only till morning.
Don't worry.
We can hide.
lf someone comes in, we can pretend we're customers.
Look, come on.
We're here now.
We may as well make the most of it.
Jen, no.
Stop.
You what? Stop, stop, stop.
We've got to talk.
- Eh? - We've got to talk.
Adam, l love you.
(Sirens) Oi! Stay where you are.
Police.
Don't move! Put your hands over your heads.
Maybe you'd better put them back down again.
To be honest, love, you know l was worried about doing it after so long.
The whole having a baby thing l thought sex might be different.
Anyway, it turns out it was.
For you.
Yeah, l know.
lt's my problem.
lt's not.
lt's our problem if you don't fancy me any more.
l do.
l will.
You know, when we got married, sex was different than when we first went out.
Less frequent.
Wellit was less frantic.
Yeah, but it was still good fun.
Well, exactly.
You know But it had changed, hadn't it? Like our relationship had changed and And l think l think that sex will, you know, go on changing.
You know, every year.
Till we're 70.
Urgh! You don't think we'll still be having sex when we're 70? Well, yeah.
Why not? There won't be much movement involved but it'll still be us.
My point is this, that having a baby is a big change.
You know, for both of us, love.
l'm still your wife.
And a mother.
You always fancied three in a bed.
Think you can handle us? Maybe one at a time.
What's it to be tonight, then? Motheror lover? Hold me, Mummy.
David, you're back.
And how! (Tiger's growl) - (Laughter outside) - All right, that's enough.
l'll only be five minutes.
(Laughter) Hey, don't l know you? l don't have a record Yet.
l was at the birth of your mate's baby.
Adam, isn't it? - Preston! - How's the little fella doing? - Oh, fine.
Great.
- He's just started smiling.
That's always a lovely moment.
So Do you want to tell me about it? - Rachel wanted to make love in public.
- No, l did not.
- Yes, you did.
lt's your sexual fantasy.
- Yes, and you insisted on acting it out.
We'd been having problems in bed.
- He's not been happy.
- lt's you who's been dissatisfied.
Since when? You mean you haven't? And you haven't either? lt's good to talk.
RACHEL: It was nice of him to Iet us go.
lt was nice, full stop.
l want to do it again.
Won't being in our own bed be a letdown? We could always open the window.
Open the window! Open the window! (Pete and Jenny moan) (Pete laughs) PETE: Thank you!