Cold Feet (1997) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
(Alarm) Morning, Dad.
Don't be a bad daddy.
Smile! Come on! (Laughs) The crowd is hushed.
Thank you! Sorry l'm late.
Meeting ran on.
So, what's for dinner? - Chinese.
- Oh, great! - Where is it? - At the takeaway.
- Will you go? - We had takeaway last night.
Yeah, but that was lndian.
What are you planning for the Sunday roast - a kebab? David, don't start.
This has got to be in by tomorrow and editing takes time.
Surely you just press spellcheck? How difficult can children's books be? They're less than ten words to a page.
Precisely! So each one has to be chosen carefully.
- ls this the last night you're going to work late? - lf you let me get on with it.
- And tomorrow we won't have takeaway? - No.
You can take me out for dinner instead.
- And did he? - He wanted to but l had to work late.
- l thought you said that - l know.
But since l've been back at work it takes twice as long to do things.
l've lost my confidence, can't make decisions.
lt's a bloody nightmare.
- lt's being married to David.
WOMAN: Tea or coffee? Oh, um What are you having? Karen! Tea, please.
Yeah, l'll have tea.
You were good at your job before you had Josh.
Why not now? - l wish my boss had your faith.
- l wish you did.
Take for both and we'll eat in.
- Make mine a takeaway.
- We're supposed to be having lunch together.
We've queued together.
Sorry, Rachel, but l've got to get back to the office.
You stay.
And look like l've no mates, or that l'm some slapper on the pull? You never know.
You might get lucky! Bye.
Look at them all.
Doesn't it make you want to vomit? He does.
People like that give evolution a bad name.
They're the ''missing link''.
(Sings) Heaven knows l'm miserable now.
- What's up with you? - l just thought there'd be more to it than this.
When you were younger, Pete, didn't you have dreams? - Yeah.
- Well, like what? One, l seem to remember, involved Samantha Fox at a jumble sale.
Not like that.
l mean dreams.
Ambitions.
Um, no.
Not unless you count Samantha Fox at the jumble sale.
l was going to be a world leader.
Well, that's certainly ambitious.
The closest l ever came was captain of the Under 1 2s.
We can't all be world leaders.
Some of us have to be sheep.
Sitting at t'baaas! Baaas! l woke up this morning and realised .
.
this is it.
lt was a good side, the Under 1 2s.
Life is elsewhere.
And l don't havethe address.
What you need is a sense of purpose.
l'm just the man to give it to you.
So - How do you fancy being Adam's godfather? - Oh, l'd love to.
Take your time to think about it.
lt is a responsibility.
No, it's not.
ls it? - You have to remember his birthday.
- Rachel can do that.
- Set him a good example.
- Rachel can do that.
- Be someone he can turn to.
- When he can't talk to his parents? Listen, little Adam, you're probably not gay, but if you areit's fine.
- Maybe this is a bad idea.
- Go on, go on.
l can be trusted.
All right.
Um Be someone to tell him about life.
Oh, well, sure.
Life's elsewhere.
(Mimics him) And you don't have the address.
You tosser.
l've got the focus group results.
How does Millie score? Quite well.
Stanley The Sports Car does better.
Stanley? But he's the villain of the piece.
Mm-hm.
But kids love it when he belches exhaust fumes in Millie's face.
- (Mutters) God.
- Karen? - Yeah? - Could l have a word? lf she wants Stanley to have his own seriesl'm leaving.
AIexander WeIcht.
- Booker Prize winner? - Yeah.
Blanket Of Tears.
Beautiful book.
Never knew sex could be so good.
That scene where she's ironing We're going to publish Alec's new novel.
Mmmm! (Saucy laughter) l want you to be his editor.
- Me.
- Mm.
Alec insists on the best.
- Me? - You've always had the perfect eye for detail.
l gave you children's books when you came back just to ease you in.
- lt's time you spread your wings.
- Well, l'm not actually sure l'm up to it, Gina.
Let me be the judge of that, OK? Well, l have commitments, you see.
Your son? - l was actually thinking more my husband.
- l'm sure David will understand.
- lt's a wonderful opportunity.
- l know.
- That anybody in their right mind would jump at.
- l know.
So why do l think you're about to turn it down? Good news, love.
Sheila's agreed to be godmother.
- Do you think that's a good idea? - Oh (Splutters) - What's wrong with her? - She's a Christian.
And she is my only sister.
And she hasn't got any children of her own, and And, and, and, and And, and, and, and what, love? And your mum rang.
They want to come and visit this weekend.
- l hope you said we were away.
- We're not.
So? Oh, for God's sake.
They're Adam's grandparents.
lt's nice they want to see him.
lt's lovely.
l think.
- They'll only be staying a week.
- A week! (Whimpers) To ten days - Thank you, David.
- l'm a godfather.
To my niece.
Rebecca.
Oh, yeah? How old is she? Oh, let's see.
When she was born l was working on the Lanskey takeover, which means she must be er - She's six.
- Six? - ls it that long since Lanskey's went under? (Doorbell) David's close to his niece, is he? l'm surprised he remembered her name.
- Oh, hi.
Karen Morrison lives here, yeah? - Yes.
l'm Alec Welcht.
Her author.
Oh, yes! Millie The Mountain Bike.
- Yes.
l didn't realise it had an author.
- Millie? Tell me, how do you fill in the rest of your time? Well, children's books can be literature too, you know.
Mm! - Yeah, come in.
- Thanks.
Karen? lt's your ''author'' to see you.
- Sorry, l didn't catch the name.
- Alexander Welcht.
- Karen.
- Mr Welcht.
- Nice to meet you.
- Like the real writer.
Do you ever get confused? - Well, l am now.
Hello, good evening.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Very nice to meet you.
Er, David, this is Alexander Welcht.
Oh, l'm so sorry, Mr Welcht.
l'm so sorry.
- Please.
Call me Alec.
- Alec.
l am so sorry.
l had no idea.
l didn't mean to belittle Children's books, they're really lf l'd known it was you - lt's OK.
- Tell me what you think of this wine.
- Please, sit down.
- Oh, thanks.
- Something to eat? - Humble fare, but lt smells delicious, but l don't have time.
- So, Alec, you're a writer.
- Yeah.
- Anything we would have heard of? - Adam! Mr Welcht wrote Blanket Of Tears.
ADAM: Oh, right! - You read it? - No, l saw the movie.
Ah.
Yeah.
Hope the book was better! Well, the Booker judges thought so.
- l started writing a novel once.
- Oh, God - Did you finish it? - No, it was shite.
Should have stuck with it.
First draft's always shite.
That's why you need a good editor.
That's why l'm here.
l just found out today the editor l'd requested has turned me down.
(Sighs and tuts) He must be mad.
Either that or she's very discerning.
l wanted to find out which.
Karen! ErMr Welcht, it would really be an honour to work with you, but l don't have the time to do it justice.
- Of course you do.
- How would you know? We have a nanny.
We eat takeaway food.
- Not all the time? - You hate takeaway food.
- l could grow to like it.
- Or cook.
Alec, Karen would be delighted to be your editor.
Would you? Yes, l wouldAlec.
Well, thatthat's just brilliant.
l thought l was going to have to beg.
l hate to drink and run, but l've got some people to meet for dinner.
Hope you can edit as well as you can cook.
See you tomorrow, Karen.
Good night, everyone.
Sorry to barge in.
l'll see myself out.
No, no, let me.
- No-one ever compliments my cooking.
- God, l loved Blanket Of Tears.
God, it was so sexy.
- Do you remember the bit where she? - lroning.
l read it with one hand.
(Raunchy laughter) - Adam? (Clattering) - Adam, what are you doing? - l knew it was up there somewhere.
l couldn't sleep, not after meeting Alec Welcht.
l know he has that effect on women, but He's fired me, Rach.
He's given me the sense of purpose l was lacking.
- My novel.
l'm going to finish it.
- At three o'clock in the morning? - Hemingway didn't work office hours.
- No, and he died alone.
- Don't you want to read it? - l'll wait till it's in paperback.
Ha! l knew that was a good title.
(Moans softly) (Gasps) Oh, David Oh, David - Karen, l'm trying to read here.
- Oh, so read later.
l will.
lt's a long article.
(Door bangs shut) (Baby cries) Oh, for heaven's sake.
Karen! (Reads) Night.
Winter.
Dark.
Cold.
- (Stifled giggle) - The howl of a dog .
.
an anthem of despair.
A distant sound.
Growing louder.
- Choo - (Laughs openly) .
.
choo - .
.
choo.
- (Laughs) - lt might sound better in the morning.
- l doubt it! Pumping pistons.
- Rattling rails.
- (Laughs) lron horse? (Sobs with laughter) - Go on.
- l thought you were trying to sleep.
What, and miss this? - l think l'll start from scratch.
- Oh, Adam! (Sounds horn) Hooray! They're here.
JENNY: lf it starts getting to you, take a deep breath, count to a hundred.
(Takes a deep breath) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven (Baby grizzles) l brought some provisions.
We do have shops in Manchester.
We like certain brands.
- Aah! - There.
Hello! - How was your journey? - A lot of traffic on the A34.
A34? What's wrong with the M6? lt's much quicker.
- Since when? - Since they built it.
Look at this.
- What about the roadworks at Knutsford? - Come off at Sandbach.
- And get caught up in Holmes Chapel? - Well, it's better than Wilmslow.
- lt wasn't bad.
Took us two hours.
- l could knock a half hour off that.
- Oh, yes? - Yes.
Milk.
One, two, three Karen! Karen, have you seen the papers l left on the table? - No.
- You were in the bathroom a long time.
l was finishing Alex's book.
Oh, yeah? Any good? Well, the climax doesn't disappoint.
Ramona! Charles.
Hi, it's David.
Sorry l missed you on Spotlight Northwest.
Yeah, we had a few friends round to dinner.
You've heard of Alexander Welcht? The author, yeah.
No, seriously.
He's a terribly nice guy.
Yeah.
OK, see you at 1 1 :00.
Jolly good.
Bye.
Ramona! - What did you think of the meal last night? - What? - Can you remember what it was? - l haven't got time for quizzes.
- Ramona! - Coming! Ramona, have you seen What is she doing? - l thought they were rubbish.
- They are now.
Hey, well done, Ramona.
She used the past tense.
- Haven't you a job to go to? - Alex is coming here this morning.
- l hope you're going to get dressed.
- Of course l am.
- He's taking me to lunch.
- Oh, the punishing world of publishing.
Say hi to Alec for me.
Karen, you didn't complain that l haven't kissed you.
l didn't have to, David.
You remembered.
Oh.
The christening's a week on Sunday.
- What do l have to do? - Well, just turn up.
Look pious.
You can practise.
And we'd like you to read something for Adam.
- What? - Anything you like.
Jen's sister's reading the Bible.
- All of it? - Course not.
Oh, God, l hope not.
Better check.
l might write something.
- Oh.
How is ''the novel'' coming along? - lt's a painful process.
- Writer's cramp? - Writer's block.
- This is my ideas book.
- l see.
l thought l'd write from experience and then l realisedl haven't had any.
Mm.
You should talk to my dad.
War hero.
Bootlegger.
Romeo.
- l thought he was a florist.
- Oh, he is.
And a bullshitter.
(Over vacuum cleaner) So there l am giving Frank Sinatra a leg-up over this wall - Chorlton-cum-Hardy.
- He was doing a concert.
Yeah.
ln Chorlton-cum-Hardy.
- ln Manchester, at the Palace! - He was very good.
- So you saw him, then? - No, we couldn't get tickets.
But the papers liked him.
Audrey! You don't need to do that.
Just trying to be helpful.
Feet! So, Dad, there you are giving Frank Sinatra a leg-up over this wall.
You would've thought he'd have slipped you a couple of spare tickets.
Look, do you want to hear this story? - He might have been telling the truth.
- Bollocks! He's allergic to it.
- You're quite hard on your old man.
- No more than he deserves.
(Gurgles) - He's beautiful, isn't he? - Yeah.
- (Gurgles) - Ssh, ssh, ssh.
There.
(Clucks softly) Jenny's looks.
You know, you were my age when you had me.
- Really? - Yeah.
l worked it out.
Maths was never your strong point.
l'm going to be a good dad to him.
l wanted to be to you.
Yeah, well, we can't have everything.
- Not with a son like you, no.
- Ssh PETE: He can give it out, but when the joke's on him l thought now that l've had a kid, he'd treat me more like a grown-up.
Doesn't he? Wash your hands? Not really, no.
He-llo! - Same again? - Thank you.
The top of page 45.
Yeah.
What's the problem? lt's not a problem.
l just thought perhaps that she might be a bit more direct.
Direct.
How, exactly? I dunno.
I suppose I think she'd say something.
She's slept with him in her mind.
She'd tell him how she feels.
Yeah, l probably haven't been explicit enough.
To be honest, l find it really difficult writing for women.
lt certainly doesn't read like that.
Well, what would you say? lf you were Madeleine.
Oh, God.
l don't know.
Just put yourself in her place, you know.
lmagine l'm Patrick.
No! (Giggles) No, Karen, this'll really help me, OK? Just do a stream of consciousness thing.
Something off the top of your head.
(Sighs) OK.
OK, OK.
(Pants and giggles) OK, OK.
Right Right, er Hearing your voice isn't enough.
l need to feel your body next to mine.
That's good, yeah.
My skin against yours.
My sweat's mingling with yours.
We're becoming one as we give way to our passion.
I feeIer l love you.
- I want you.
- See you in ten minutes.
(Laughs raucously) - Alec! - That's the best phone sex I've had aII morning.
Ah, well, that's why l'm an editor.
Well, what can l say? You give great edit.
Thank you, darling.
(Giggles) Look, see you at one o'clock, OK? Bye, now.
And l'll need those figures by tomorrow.
Gross, not net.
- David, call for you.
Line one.
- l said no interruptions, Sam.
l know, l'm sorry, but the lady insisted it's important.
At least, l think she did.
Yep? David, it's Ramona.
Ramona? ls Josh all right? Yeah, Josh is fine.
lt's me.
l no fine.
Please - you got to come home now.
What are you talking about? l have see things and l have hear things and they are no good things.
- ls Karen there? - Yes, she here but she going out.
She meet Mr Welcht.
Oy.
They have speak each other, David.
''ll think l love you.
'' - l beg your pardon? - Yes! ''l love you.
l want you!'' Ramona, l'm shocked! l know is shocking.
But is the truth.
l don't know what to say.
l l mean - l'm flattered, but - FIatter? - But l'm married.
- Flatter? What is? (Door closes) - David, she going now.
Please, you gotta come home! Ramona, I don't think that's a good idea, OK? Let's just say no more about it, OK? Let's pretend it never happened.
iMamá! iSÃ! That was my nanny.
She's era little highly strung.
Spanish.
Flatter.
Flatter.
Flatter.
''More flat.
'' Hmm.
Oh, thank you, God, for l am out of the house, the devil house.
Are Pete and his dad still winding each other up? Yeah.
l can live with that.
lt's Pete's mum.
She's driving me mad.
Tesco's have had to send out for more Mr Muscle.
You drop a crumb and she's caught it before it hits the carpet.
Nightmare.
- Sorry l'm late, girls.
- Oh, s-whit s-whoo.
- Late lunch? - Long lunch.
- We had to finish the Moët.
- Champag-ny! Was this you and David? - Alexander Welcht.
- Writer? Wri Blanket Of Tears! - Ooh, that bit where she's BOTH: lroning.
Yeah! lt's fab.
Clearly you have to tell us about it.
Come on.
Every detail.
(Raps table) OK, OK.
OK.
Well, it was a very noisy restaurant, right, so we had to sit quite cIose together Don't look now, but there's a woman behind you in a red jacket.
l said, don't look now! Daniella Dunn.
Well She was born Daniel Dunn.
- No! - Yeah.
- No.
- Yes.
- l said, don't look now! God! - (Giggles) He put his hand on your arm? Twice.
- (Chants) Fancies you, fancies you! - What? There's more, there's more.
Karen, um Would you mind if l .
.
if l dedicated this book to you? Me? You? Me.
Well, without you, it wouldn't be half the work it's gonna be.
Me? ls there another Karen at the table .
.
Karen? Seems to me the gentleman wants to get into your panties.
The thought had crossed my mind.
- He touches your arm so he wants to shag you? - Touched it twice.
Why? Why is that so ridiculous? Karenif he wanted to have an affair, don't you think he'd be a bit more explicit? - Maybe he likes subtlety.
- Oh.
The bit where she's ironing? - Anyway, even if l did, would it be so wrong? - Yes! Erwell, er He's a Booker prizewinner.
Well My God.
So adultery's fine, as long as it's with a celebrity? - Who died and made you Pope? - Karen, what about your family? (Jen gurgles) (Giggles) (Gurgles) - (Gargles) - Could l have a cappuccino, please? (Football on TV) There's cheese and some leftover salad.
- ls it curling? - No, it's football! Ha-ha! The salad.
- Only at the edges.
- Oh, l'm really looking forward to this! So who's playing? Manchester United and Barnsley.
- FA Cup.
- Oh.
Right.
- Not a fan of football, then? - No.
Can't stand it.
But it's better than an evening on my own.
l'll make a dressing, shall l? Are we going to tell him? - How long till kickoff? - A couple of minutes.
- No.
- Do you have any balsamic vinegar? - (Cackles) - Erpossibly.
So, umhow are things with you and your dad? - lt's not like you to be interested.
- That's not true.
OK, it's not like you to show concern.
l just thought you might want to tell us about l don't knowhis latest outrage.
- l don't see why they have to stay the night.
- Who? Karen and Alec Welcht.
They've only gone to Liverpool.
He's reading an extract from his new book.
- Look, David - lt's probably a long extract.
- There's something you should know.
- (Splutters) Kickoff! You go on.
Uml think Karen's having an affair.
(Chuckles) With Alec Welcht.
Hm? Alec Welcht.
Don't be ridiculous.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Forget l said anything.
No, l know she is.
- Yeah, l knew all along.
- lt's probably rubbish.
No, ll was aware about it.
You know, thethe dresses.
Hairdos.
- The silk negligee she packed this morning.
- Silk? - lt's not your fault.
- l encouraged them to spend time together.
Oh.
Karen.
l was just on my way to you.
- Champagne? - Er, yeah, sure.
Why not? Come in.
l just thought we should celebrate.
- The reading went so well.
- Yeah, it did, didn't it? l was worried about the audience to begin with.
Took some warming up.
Rubbish.
You had them eating out of your hand.
Well, the trick is just to focus on one particular person.
Give them all you've got.
And did you find someone to focus on? Oh, l did.
l certainly did.
(Champagne cork pops) Wellhere's to a successful evening.
That's only just begun.
Oh, my God.
Oh, sorry, this is, um - lt's Trudi, isn't it? - That's right.
- This is Karen, my editor.
- Nice to meet you.
Hi.
- Trudi was in the front row.
Here, darling.
- Cheers.
- You must have noticed her.
- Um, well l don't think l'm as observant as you think.
Um, l thought you were on the way to my room.
Oh, yeah.
You don't have any condoms, do you? No.
No, l'm sorry, l don't.
Oh.
Never mind.
Mm Do you want some? - No, thank you.
l don't.
- Oh, OK.
Er, l'd better be going.
- l haven't embarrassed you, have l? - God, no! (Laughs) God, not at all.
Um (Laughs) Er l just don't l don't really like champagne that much.
See you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Shit, you shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit Shit, shit, shit, shit (Mobile rings) (Ringing continues) What do you want? Bastard! l'll bet he had his eye on her from the start.
That's how she got the job.
- Oh, God, l don't believe this.
- Oh, God, l don't believe this.
- Have Barnsley scored? - No, this! Your novel.
- l'm a cuckold of my own making.
- lt's me and my dad, isn't it? Wellloosely.
Loosely! You haven't even changed the names! l was going to.
ls there one you'd like? How dare you say these things about us! l love my dad.
lt's justit's just - Oh, l can't stand him! - Don't take it personally.
- l do take it personally.
He's shagging my wife.
- Unconfirmed.
Give me that.
No! There's absolutely no way you're having it.
lt's mine! - lt's my life! - l mean, how could she? He's so pretentious! You've taken the piss out of me ever since we were at school! Yeah, well, everyone did.
You were fat.
Yes, and l still am, according to you! But you called me lan Paisley! - Because you talk funny! - Two can play at that game.
- You arrogant shit! - l'm not without admirers of my own.
You're jealous.
You always have been.
Don't bother getting up.
l'm going home nowto sleep with Ramona.
(Flamenco guitar music) Olé! Don't be afraid.
lt's just me.
Da-veed! These past few days l haven't been able to take my eyes off you.
- You feel so young.
- Mmm.
So firm.
Mm! Me encanta el olor de tus cabellos.
Oh, David Karen! Oh, l love it when you speak Spanish.
l can explain.
- Explain what? - Why l'm here.
- lt's perfectly obvious.
- lt is? You haven't been this sexy for ages.
Have you been drinking? Yes.
Yes, that's it, yes.
l'm drunk.
- (Giggles) - Completely rat-arsed! l don't know where l am.
l'm l thought you were in Liverpool.
- With Alec.
- l decided not to stay.
Anyway, Ramona rang to say Josh had a cold.
l wanted to be close to him, so l've put her in the spare room.
- l explained all this in my note.
- Your note? My note telling you to find me here, you drunkard! Oh, that note.
Nowwhat was that you were saying? Hm? - ln Spanish.
- Er You had a fight? - Who won? - Does it matter? He did.
(Laughs) - So what are you working on now? - My novel.
Look, once it's a bestseller he'll be happy as Larry.
(Mimics) That's about me, that is.
You realise we're going to their house tomorrow for dinner with his parents? Mm-hm.
- Are we still invited? - He didn't say we weren't.
That is going to be excellent! - Do you think we shouldn't go? - l still need an ending.
- Say you'll come.
Please! - No.
He hurt my feelings.
You hurt his.
ls that it? What are you going to do, chuck it over? Yeah, right.
No, l usually spend lunch hour making revisions.
- After last night, there are quite a few.
- Let's have a look.
- No.
- Go on.
Please.
No, it's a work in progress! Go away, you mad thing.
No! Like Father, Like Son.
Good title.
l like it.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Right, let's have a look.
''Pete was never a slave to fashion, and his style was as flexible as his girth''! Adam, that's so cruel! The truth is painful.
''Pete's wife Penny'' Penny? l thought you hadn't changed the names.
l haven't.
lt's a misprint.
''Pete's wife Penny - The Misprint - knew her mind.
'' That's true.
''She always liked the last word and, for that matter, every word in between''! - No! - lt's dramatic licence! l mean, obviously it's not true.
You've hurt my feelings.
l'll have to go now.
Listen, you will come tonight? - l'm going to finish the book.
- Fine, just don't finish it tonight.
Have dinner tonight.
Please.
Are you really that concerned about me and Pete? Mmno.
No, you'll be all right.
You'll patch it up.
You always do.
No, it's bloody Wallace and Gromit - Pete's parents.
l could just do with the moral support.
OK, we'll come.
Hoorah.
Only because it's you.
You and Pete have had a falling out, eh? l'm not supposed to mention it.
- Thanks, Pete.
- Reminds me of when you were kids.
They were always bickering.
Then Pete would sit on him.
Some things haven't changed, then.
Got your notebook, have you? - Audrey, why don't you go and sit down? - l'll just finish these plates.
But we haven't even used them yet.
They gather dust in the cupboard.
Oh.
Do you like your carrots that thin? Audrey, sit down! - You could cut the atmosphere in there with a - (Whimpers) Do you need a hand? (Gasps) DAD: l hear you're Adam's godfather.
- Unless l've been sacked.
- Come on, Adam.
Pete wouldn't do that.
- Jenny won't let me.
- Hm.
And what do you think of the young fella's name? Adam? l like it.
Adam Preston Gifford.
- No room for Algernon.
- No.
Nor Sigismund, or Egbert, or Beowulf.
Algernon's been in the family for generations.
My great-grandfather was an Algernon and every Gifford since.
- lt's Pete's middle name.
- And they never let me forget it at school.
What's wrong with Algernon? lt's ugly, it's old-fashioned, and in its shortened form it means pond scum! - That was his nickname.
- lt's our heritage! - Do you want to destroy that? - Apparently.
'Ey, we could add it after Preston.
- Yeah! - No.
No way.
One daft name's enough.
Besides, he's not having four initials.
People will think he's upper class.
Then you won't see us at the christening.
- (Ramona sobs) .
.
l say to him.
KAREN: l don't want to know! (Ramona sobs hysterically) - l'm not bloody interested, Ramona.
- But it's not true! l don't care, Ramona! You should have thought of that before! But l ask him to help David! (Sobs) - Have you told her to pay for her phone calls? - l fired her.
Why? Because she's having an affair.
She wouldn't be the first, would she? You shit! You never read my note, David! - How long have you been shagging Ramona? - l haven't.
lt was our firstor rather, it wasn't.
Look, Ramona's got a crush on me, right? And l, welll thought l'd take advantage, since you've been shagging Alec Welcht.
- What? - Don't deny it, Karen.
Adam told me everything.
Adam? Your source was Adam? Who got it from Rachel.
Who presumably got it from you.
David, l never slept with Alec.
l won't pretend it didn't cross my mind - that's what l told Rachel - but it never happened.
l think he prefers younger women.
l see.
- But you thought about it, didn't you? - Yes, l did, David.
He paid me attention.
He flattered me.
l can flatter you.
You've got a great throwing arm.
l'd hoped Pete would inherit his father's looks, not his temperament.
Audrey, um Really sorryl held a knife on you.
That's all right, dear.
You've always been a little bit excitable.
Pete's really upset that you won't be at the christening.
- Oh, we will.
- Eh? When Pete wants one thing and you want another, who wins? Moi! They say men marry their mothers.
Oh, no.
(Laughs) Bye, love.
See you, Mum.
- Bye-bye, love.
- Bye.
- Look after my grandson.
- Yeah.
And my son.
JENNY: Bye.
- Pete.
- Yeah? Which way to the A34? A34? Right.
Obstinate sod! Don't you turn left for the A34? - Oh, dear.
- Oh, that's awful.
Awful.
- l should have listened to you.
- Mm.
- l shouldn't have said anything to Adam.
- No.
l'm sorry.
- How did you get Ramona to stay on? - An apology and a pay rise.
You should get Adam to contribute.
Oh, l'm not the vindictive kind, Rachel.
- Hi, girls.
- Adam.
Have you finished it already? Well, there were no long words.
Karen, l want you to be brutal.
l know we're friends, but l value your professional opinion.
What can l say, Adam? lt left me Speechless.
lt reminds me of what Truman Capote said of Jack Kerouac.
- Really? - Mm.
''This isn't writing, it's typing.
'' ln your case, it's not even good typing.
Umwhen l said ''brutal'', um There's a simile in chapter five l quite liked, though it's not original.
The rest is just wastepaper.
l umthink l'llget myself a drink.
Best make it a double, eh? l haven't finished yet.
(Organ music) Quickly.
All right, all right.
Careful.
- Hi.
- Sorry we're late.
- Hi.
- Hi.
For you.
We're accepting gifts after the christening.
lt's my novel.
l decided friendship was more important than fame.
Denis Law? Anyway, Karen said it was shite.
ls there any sign of your parents yet? No.
They'll be here.
Your mum promised.
You might want to move inside now? l'm Sheila.
Jenny's sister.
- The Christian? - Of course.
As godfather, aren't you? - Have you got him a present? - A Bible.
Oh, you haven't as well? l was this close to, butno.
l got him a Peter Rabbit bowl and mug.
lt's Wedgwood.
Hiya.
ls David not with you? No, he's on the phone.
Some deal with Tokyo.
Are we the last? Possibly.
Hai.
Watashiwa Tokyoe ikimasu Er, next week.
You don't speak Japanese, do you? Yes.
As a matter of fact, l do.
Perfect.
Could you tell him l'm going to be in Tokyo next week? Moshi moshi.
Odenwa kaerimashita.
SHElLA: And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off.
lt is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go to hell to the unquenchable fire.
And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out.
lt is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell.
We're now going to hear from Adam's godfather and namesake Adam Williams.
Brilliant.
- Arigato.
- Doo itashimashite.
ADAM: l'm quite nervous, actually.
A lot of eyes looking at me.
Umno-one's ever asked me to be a godfather before.
l can't see why not.
And so l'm especially proud that my best friends have.
l've got some notes here somewhere.
When a baby's born ereverything changes.
Families change.
Everyone else moves up a generation.
Petewho is a son (Mobile rings) - .
.
is now also a father.
Yeah? Hai.
Hai.
Er (Snaps fingers) Um Where was l? Er Oh, yeah, fathers and sons.
l asked Pete's dad - Algy - what it had been like for him to be a father.
This is going to be good.
And erhe sent me this.
''lnevitably parents love their children more than their children love them.
A father looks at a son and sees part of himself.
They say, 'Be careful what you wish for.
' My wish for my son was that he grew up independent of mind and strong of will.
That he has drives me mad.
lt also fills me with pride.
'' Yeah? Well, why didn't the old git turn up, then? ''l know that Pete will be a good father.
l've seen the way he looks at his son - with love.
A love that only a father can recognise, and which l recognise, cos that's how l look at Pete.
(Mobile rings) ADAM: Oh, for God's sake! You shouldn't blaspheme in church.
And you shouldn't heckle.
Hello? OK, Mum.
What is it, Pete? My dad.
He's dead.
lronic, really.
Your father never went to church.
Then he has a heart attack on his way to one.
l'm going to be a good dad to him.
l wanted to be to you.
He never knew how much l loved him.
Yes, he did.
You just had a funny way of showing it, love.
- Look after my grandson.
- Yeah.
And my son.
You're just like him.
Come on.
Don't be a bad daddy.
Smile! Come on! (Laughs) The crowd is hushed.
Thank you! Sorry l'm late.
Meeting ran on.
So, what's for dinner? - Chinese.
- Oh, great! - Where is it? - At the takeaway.
- Will you go? - We had takeaway last night.
Yeah, but that was lndian.
What are you planning for the Sunday roast - a kebab? David, don't start.
This has got to be in by tomorrow and editing takes time.
Surely you just press spellcheck? How difficult can children's books be? They're less than ten words to a page.
Precisely! So each one has to be chosen carefully.
- ls this the last night you're going to work late? - lf you let me get on with it.
- And tomorrow we won't have takeaway? - No.
You can take me out for dinner instead.
- And did he? - He wanted to but l had to work late.
- l thought you said that - l know.
But since l've been back at work it takes twice as long to do things.
l've lost my confidence, can't make decisions.
lt's a bloody nightmare.
- lt's being married to David.
WOMAN: Tea or coffee? Oh, um What are you having? Karen! Tea, please.
Yeah, l'll have tea.
You were good at your job before you had Josh.
Why not now? - l wish my boss had your faith.
- l wish you did.
Take for both and we'll eat in.
- Make mine a takeaway.
- We're supposed to be having lunch together.
We've queued together.
Sorry, Rachel, but l've got to get back to the office.
You stay.
And look like l've no mates, or that l'm some slapper on the pull? You never know.
You might get lucky! Bye.
Look at them all.
Doesn't it make you want to vomit? He does.
People like that give evolution a bad name.
They're the ''missing link''.
(Sings) Heaven knows l'm miserable now.
- What's up with you? - l just thought there'd be more to it than this.
When you were younger, Pete, didn't you have dreams? - Yeah.
- Well, like what? One, l seem to remember, involved Samantha Fox at a jumble sale.
Not like that.
l mean dreams.
Ambitions.
Um, no.
Not unless you count Samantha Fox at the jumble sale.
l was going to be a world leader.
Well, that's certainly ambitious.
The closest l ever came was captain of the Under 1 2s.
We can't all be world leaders.
Some of us have to be sheep.
Sitting at t'baaas! Baaas! l woke up this morning and realised .
.
this is it.
lt was a good side, the Under 1 2s.
Life is elsewhere.
And l don't havethe address.
What you need is a sense of purpose.
l'm just the man to give it to you.
So - How do you fancy being Adam's godfather? - Oh, l'd love to.
Take your time to think about it.
lt is a responsibility.
No, it's not.
ls it? - You have to remember his birthday.
- Rachel can do that.
- Set him a good example.
- Rachel can do that.
- Be someone he can turn to.
- When he can't talk to his parents? Listen, little Adam, you're probably not gay, but if you areit's fine.
- Maybe this is a bad idea.
- Go on, go on.
l can be trusted.
All right.
Um Be someone to tell him about life.
Oh, well, sure.
Life's elsewhere.
(Mimics him) And you don't have the address.
You tosser.
l've got the focus group results.
How does Millie score? Quite well.
Stanley The Sports Car does better.
Stanley? But he's the villain of the piece.
Mm-hm.
But kids love it when he belches exhaust fumes in Millie's face.
- (Mutters) God.
- Karen? - Yeah? - Could l have a word? lf she wants Stanley to have his own seriesl'm leaving.
AIexander WeIcht.
- Booker Prize winner? - Yeah.
Blanket Of Tears.
Beautiful book.
Never knew sex could be so good.
That scene where she's ironing We're going to publish Alec's new novel.
Mmmm! (Saucy laughter) l want you to be his editor.
- Me.
- Mm.
Alec insists on the best.
- Me? - You've always had the perfect eye for detail.
l gave you children's books when you came back just to ease you in.
- lt's time you spread your wings.
- Well, l'm not actually sure l'm up to it, Gina.
Let me be the judge of that, OK? Well, l have commitments, you see.
Your son? - l was actually thinking more my husband.
- l'm sure David will understand.
- lt's a wonderful opportunity.
- l know.
- That anybody in their right mind would jump at.
- l know.
So why do l think you're about to turn it down? Good news, love.
Sheila's agreed to be godmother.
- Do you think that's a good idea? - Oh (Splutters) - What's wrong with her? - She's a Christian.
And she is my only sister.
And she hasn't got any children of her own, and And, and, and, and And, and, and, and what, love? And your mum rang.
They want to come and visit this weekend.
- l hope you said we were away.
- We're not.
So? Oh, for God's sake.
They're Adam's grandparents.
lt's nice they want to see him.
lt's lovely.
l think.
- They'll only be staying a week.
- A week! (Whimpers) To ten days - Thank you, David.
- l'm a godfather.
To my niece.
Rebecca.
Oh, yeah? How old is she? Oh, let's see.
When she was born l was working on the Lanskey takeover, which means she must be er - She's six.
- Six? - ls it that long since Lanskey's went under? (Doorbell) David's close to his niece, is he? l'm surprised he remembered her name.
- Oh, hi.
Karen Morrison lives here, yeah? - Yes.
l'm Alec Welcht.
Her author.
Oh, yes! Millie The Mountain Bike.
- Yes.
l didn't realise it had an author.
- Millie? Tell me, how do you fill in the rest of your time? Well, children's books can be literature too, you know.
Mm! - Yeah, come in.
- Thanks.
Karen? lt's your ''author'' to see you.
- Sorry, l didn't catch the name.
- Alexander Welcht.
- Karen.
- Mr Welcht.
- Nice to meet you.
- Like the real writer.
Do you ever get confused? - Well, l am now.
Hello, good evening.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Very nice to meet you.
Er, David, this is Alexander Welcht.
Oh, l'm so sorry, Mr Welcht.
l'm so sorry.
- Please.
Call me Alec.
- Alec.
l am so sorry.
l had no idea.
l didn't mean to belittle Children's books, they're really lf l'd known it was you - lt's OK.
- Tell me what you think of this wine.
- Please, sit down.
- Oh, thanks.
- Something to eat? - Humble fare, but lt smells delicious, but l don't have time.
- So, Alec, you're a writer.
- Yeah.
- Anything we would have heard of? - Adam! Mr Welcht wrote Blanket Of Tears.
ADAM: Oh, right! - You read it? - No, l saw the movie.
Ah.
Yeah.
Hope the book was better! Well, the Booker judges thought so.
- l started writing a novel once.
- Oh, God - Did you finish it? - No, it was shite.
Should have stuck with it.
First draft's always shite.
That's why you need a good editor.
That's why l'm here.
l just found out today the editor l'd requested has turned me down.
(Sighs and tuts) He must be mad.
Either that or she's very discerning.
l wanted to find out which.
Karen! ErMr Welcht, it would really be an honour to work with you, but l don't have the time to do it justice.
- Of course you do.
- How would you know? We have a nanny.
We eat takeaway food.
- Not all the time? - You hate takeaway food.
- l could grow to like it.
- Or cook.
Alec, Karen would be delighted to be your editor.
Would you? Yes, l wouldAlec.
Well, thatthat's just brilliant.
l thought l was going to have to beg.
l hate to drink and run, but l've got some people to meet for dinner.
Hope you can edit as well as you can cook.
See you tomorrow, Karen.
Good night, everyone.
Sorry to barge in.
l'll see myself out.
No, no, let me.
- No-one ever compliments my cooking.
- God, l loved Blanket Of Tears.
God, it was so sexy.
- Do you remember the bit where she? - lroning.
l read it with one hand.
(Raunchy laughter) - Adam? (Clattering) - Adam, what are you doing? - l knew it was up there somewhere.
l couldn't sleep, not after meeting Alec Welcht.
l know he has that effect on women, but He's fired me, Rach.
He's given me the sense of purpose l was lacking.
- My novel.
l'm going to finish it.
- At three o'clock in the morning? - Hemingway didn't work office hours.
- No, and he died alone.
- Don't you want to read it? - l'll wait till it's in paperback.
Ha! l knew that was a good title.
(Moans softly) (Gasps) Oh, David Oh, David - Karen, l'm trying to read here.
- Oh, so read later.
l will.
lt's a long article.
(Door bangs shut) (Baby cries) Oh, for heaven's sake.
Karen! (Reads) Night.
Winter.
Dark.
Cold.
- (Stifled giggle) - The howl of a dog .
.
an anthem of despair.
A distant sound.
Growing louder.
- Choo - (Laughs openly) .
.
choo - .
.
choo.
- (Laughs) - lt might sound better in the morning.
- l doubt it! Pumping pistons.
- Rattling rails.
- (Laughs) lron horse? (Sobs with laughter) - Go on.
- l thought you were trying to sleep.
What, and miss this? - l think l'll start from scratch.
- Oh, Adam! (Sounds horn) Hooray! They're here.
JENNY: lf it starts getting to you, take a deep breath, count to a hundred.
(Takes a deep breath) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven (Baby grizzles) l brought some provisions.
We do have shops in Manchester.
We like certain brands.
- Aah! - There.
Hello! - How was your journey? - A lot of traffic on the A34.
A34? What's wrong with the M6? lt's much quicker.
- Since when? - Since they built it.
Look at this.
- What about the roadworks at Knutsford? - Come off at Sandbach.
- And get caught up in Holmes Chapel? - Well, it's better than Wilmslow.
- lt wasn't bad.
Took us two hours.
- l could knock a half hour off that.
- Oh, yes? - Yes.
Milk.
One, two, three Karen! Karen, have you seen the papers l left on the table? - No.
- You were in the bathroom a long time.
l was finishing Alex's book.
Oh, yeah? Any good? Well, the climax doesn't disappoint.
Ramona! Charles.
Hi, it's David.
Sorry l missed you on Spotlight Northwest.
Yeah, we had a few friends round to dinner.
You've heard of Alexander Welcht? The author, yeah.
No, seriously.
He's a terribly nice guy.
Yeah.
OK, see you at 1 1 :00.
Jolly good.
Bye.
Ramona! - What did you think of the meal last night? - What? - Can you remember what it was? - l haven't got time for quizzes.
- Ramona! - Coming! Ramona, have you seen What is she doing? - l thought they were rubbish.
- They are now.
Hey, well done, Ramona.
She used the past tense.
- Haven't you a job to go to? - Alex is coming here this morning.
- l hope you're going to get dressed.
- Of course l am.
- He's taking me to lunch.
- Oh, the punishing world of publishing.
Say hi to Alec for me.
Karen, you didn't complain that l haven't kissed you.
l didn't have to, David.
You remembered.
Oh.
The christening's a week on Sunday.
- What do l have to do? - Well, just turn up.
Look pious.
You can practise.
And we'd like you to read something for Adam.
- What? - Anything you like.
Jen's sister's reading the Bible.
- All of it? - Course not.
Oh, God, l hope not.
Better check.
l might write something.
- Oh.
How is ''the novel'' coming along? - lt's a painful process.
- Writer's cramp? - Writer's block.
- This is my ideas book.
- l see.
l thought l'd write from experience and then l realisedl haven't had any.
Mm.
You should talk to my dad.
War hero.
Bootlegger.
Romeo.
- l thought he was a florist.
- Oh, he is.
And a bullshitter.
(Over vacuum cleaner) So there l am giving Frank Sinatra a leg-up over this wall - Chorlton-cum-Hardy.
- He was doing a concert.
Yeah.
ln Chorlton-cum-Hardy.
- ln Manchester, at the Palace! - He was very good.
- So you saw him, then? - No, we couldn't get tickets.
But the papers liked him.
Audrey! You don't need to do that.
Just trying to be helpful.
Feet! So, Dad, there you are giving Frank Sinatra a leg-up over this wall.
You would've thought he'd have slipped you a couple of spare tickets.
Look, do you want to hear this story? - He might have been telling the truth.
- Bollocks! He's allergic to it.
- You're quite hard on your old man.
- No more than he deserves.
(Gurgles) - He's beautiful, isn't he? - Yeah.
- (Gurgles) - Ssh, ssh, ssh.
There.
(Clucks softly) Jenny's looks.
You know, you were my age when you had me.
- Really? - Yeah.
l worked it out.
Maths was never your strong point.
l'm going to be a good dad to him.
l wanted to be to you.
Yeah, well, we can't have everything.
- Not with a son like you, no.
- Ssh PETE: He can give it out, but when the joke's on him l thought now that l've had a kid, he'd treat me more like a grown-up.
Doesn't he? Wash your hands? Not really, no.
He-llo! - Same again? - Thank you.
The top of page 45.
Yeah.
What's the problem? lt's not a problem.
l just thought perhaps that she might be a bit more direct.
Direct.
How, exactly? I dunno.
I suppose I think she'd say something.
She's slept with him in her mind.
She'd tell him how she feels.
Yeah, l probably haven't been explicit enough.
To be honest, l find it really difficult writing for women.
lt certainly doesn't read like that.
Well, what would you say? lf you were Madeleine.
Oh, God.
l don't know.
Just put yourself in her place, you know.
lmagine l'm Patrick.
No! (Giggles) No, Karen, this'll really help me, OK? Just do a stream of consciousness thing.
Something off the top of your head.
(Sighs) OK.
OK, OK.
(Pants and giggles) OK, OK.
Right Right, er Hearing your voice isn't enough.
l need to feel your body next to mine.
That's good, yeah.
My skin against yours.
My sweat's mingling with yours.
We're becoming one as we give way to our passion.
I feeIer l love you.
- I want you.
- See you in ten minutes.
(Laughs raucously) - Alec! - That's the best phone sex I've had aII morning.
Ah, well, that's why l'm an editor.
Well, what can l say? You give great edit.
Thank you, darling.
(Giggles) Look, see you at one o'clock, OK? Bye, now.
And l'll need those figures by tomorrow.
Gross, not net.
- David, call for you.
Line one.
- l said no interruptions, Sam.
l know, l'm sorry, but the lady insisted it's important.
At least, l think she did.
Yep? David, it's Ramona.
Ramona? ls Josh all right? Yeah, Josh is fine.
lt's me.
l no fine.
Please - you got to come home now.
What are you talking about? l have see things and l have hear things and they are no good things.
- ls Karen there? - Yes, she here but she going out.
She meet Mr Welcht.
Oy.
They have speak each other, David.
''ll think l love you.
'' - l beg your pardon? - Yes! ''l love you.
l want you!'' Ramona, l'm shocked! l know is shocking.
But is the truth.
l don't know what to say.
l l mean - l'm flattered, but - FIatter? - But l'm married.
- Flatter? What is? (Door closes) - David, she going now.
Please, you gotta come home! Ramona, I don't think that's a good idea, OK? Let's just say no more about it, OK? Let's pretend it never happened.
iMamá! iSÃ! That was my nanny.
She's era little highly strung.
Spanish.
Flatter.
Flatter.
Flatter.
''More flat.
'' Hmm.
Oh, thank you, God, for l am out of the house, the devil house.
Are Pete and his dad still winding each other up? Yeah.
l can live with that.
lt's Pete's mum.
She's driving me mad.
Tesco's have had to send out for more Mr Muscle.
You drop a crumb and she's caught it before it hits the carpet.
Nightmare.
- Sorry l'm late, girls.
- Oh, s-whit s-whoo.
- Late lunch? - Long lunch.
- We had to finish the Moët.
- Champag-ny! Was this you and David? - Alexander Welcht.
- Writer? Wri Blanket Of Tears! - Ooh, that bit where she's BOTH: lroning.
Yeah! lt's fab.
Clearly you have to tell us about it.
Come on.
Every detail.
(Raps table) OK, OK.
OK.
Well, it was a very noisy restaurant, right, so we had to sit quite cIose together Don't look now, but there's a woman behind you in a red jacket.
l said, don't look now! Daniella Dunn.
Well She was born Daniel Dunn.
- No! - Yeah.
- No.
- Yes.
- l said, don't look now! God! - (Giggles) He put his hand on your arm? Twice.
- (Chants) Fancies you, fancies you! - What? There's more, there's more.
Karen, um Would you mind if l .
.
if l dedicated this book to you? Me? You? Me.
Well, without you, it wouldn't be half the work it's gonna be.
Me? ls there another Karen at the table .
.
Karen? Seems to me the gentleman wants to get into your panties.
The thought had crossed my mind.
- He touches your arm so he wants to shag you? - Touched it twice.
Why? Why is that so ridiculous? Karenif he wanted to have an affair, don't you think he'd be a bit more explicit? - Maybe he likes subtlety.
- Oh.
The bit where she's ironing? - Anyway, even if l did, would it be so wrong? - Yes! Erwell, er He's a Booker prizewinner.
Well My God.
So adultery's fine, as long as it's with a celebrity? - Who died and made you Pope? - Karen, what about your family? (Jen gurgles) (Giggles) (Gurgles) - (Gargles) - Could l have a cappuccino, please? (Football on TV) There's cheese and some leftover salad.
- ls it curling? - No, it's football! Ha-ha! The salad.
- Only at the edges.
- Oh, l'm really looking forward to this! So who's playing? Manchester United and Barnsley.
- FA Cup.
- Oh.
Right.
- Not a fan of football, then? - No.
Can't stand it.
But it's better than an evening on my own.
l'll make a dressing, shall l? Are we going to tell him? - How long till kickoff? - A couple of minutes.
- No.
- Do you have any balsamic vinegar? - (Cackles) - Erpossibly.
So, umhow are things with you and your dad? - lt's not like you to be interested.
- That's not true.
OK, it's not like you to show concern.
l just thought you might want to tell us about l don't knowhis latest outrage.
- l don't see why they have to stay the night.
- Who? Karen and Alec Welcht.
They've only gone to Liverpool.
He's reading an extract from his new book.
- Look, David - lt's probably a long extract.
- There's something you should know.
- (Splutters) Kickoff! You go on.
Uml think Karen's having an affair.
(Chuckles) With Alec Welcht.
Hm? Alec Welcht.
Don't be ridiculous.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Forget l said anything.
No, l know she is.
- Yeah, l knew all along.
- lt's probably rubbish.
No, ll was aware about it.
You know, thethe dresses.
Hairdos.
- The silk negligee she packed this morning.
- Silk? - lt's not your fault.
- l encouraged them to spend time together.
Oh.
Karen.
l was just on my way to you.
- Champagne? - Er, yeah, sure.
Why not? Come in.
l just thought we should celebrate.
- The reading went so well.
- Yeah, it did, didn't it? l was worried about the audience to begin with.
Took some warming up.
Rubbish.
You had them eating out of your hand.
Well, the trick is just to focus on one particular person.
Give them all you've got.
And did you find someone to focus on? Oh, l did.
l certainly did.
(Champagne cork pops) Wellhere's to a successful evening.
That's only just begun.
Oh, my God.
Oh, sorry, this is, um - lt's Trudi, isn't it? - That's right.
- This is Karen, my editor.
- Nice to meet you.
Hi.
- Trudi was in the front row.
Here, darling.
- Cheers.
- You must have noticed her.
- Um, well l don't think l'm as observant as you think.
Um, l thought you were on the way to my room.
Oh, yeah.
You don't have any condoms, do you? No.
No, l'm sorry, l don't.
Oh.
Never mind.
Mm Do you want some? - No, thank you.
l don't.
- Oh, OK.
Er, l'd better be going.
- l haven't embarrassed you, have l? - God, no! (Laughs) God, not at all.
Um (Laughs) Er l just don't l don't really like champagne that much.
See you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Shit, you shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit Shit, shit, shit, shit (Mobile rings) (Ringing continues) What do you want? Bastard! l'll bet he had his eye on her from the start.
That's how she got the job.
- Oh, God, l don't believe this.
- Oh, God, l don't believe this.
- Have Barnsley scored? - No, this! Your novel.
- l'm a cuckold of my own making.
- lt's me and my dad, isn't it? Wellloosely.
Loosely! You haven't even changed the names! l was going to.
ls there one you'd like? How dare you say these things about us! l love my dad.
lt's justit's just - Oh, l can't stand him! - Don't take it personally.
- l do take it personally.
He's shagging my wife.
- Unconfirmed.
Give me that.
No! There's absolutely no way you're having it.
lt's mine! - lt's my life! - l mean, how could she? He's so pretentious! You've taken the piss out of me ever since we were at school! Yeah, well, everyone did.
You were fat.
Yes, and l still am, according to you! But you called me lan Paisley! - Because you talk funny! - Two can play at that game.
- You arrogant shit! - l'm not without admirers of my own.
You're jealous.
You always have been.
Don't bother getting up.
l'm going home nowto sleep with Ramona.
(Flamenco guitar music) Olé! Don't be afraid.
lt's just me.
Da-veed! These past few days l haven't been able to take my eyes off you.
- You feel so young.
- Mmm.
So firm.
Mm! Me encanta el olor de tus cabellos.
Oh, David Karen! Oh, l love it when you speak Spanish.
l can explain.
- Explain what? - Why l'm here.
- lt's perfectly obvious.
- lt is? You haven't been this sexy for ages.
Have you been drinking? Yes.
Yes, that's it, yes.
l'm drunk.
- (Giggles) - Completely rat-arsed! l don't know where l am.
l'm l thought you were in Liverpool.
- With Alec.
- l decided not to stay.
Anyway, Ramona rang to say Josh had a cold.
l wanted to be close to him, so l've put her in the spare room.
- l explained all this in my note.
- Your note? My note telling you to find me here, you drunkard! Oh, that note.
Nowwhat was that you were saying? Hm? - ln Spanish.
- Er You had a fight? - Who won? - Does it matter? He did.
(Laughs) - So what are you working on now? - My novel.
Look, once it's a bestseller he'll be happy as Larry.
(Mimics) That's about me, that is.
You realise we're going to their house tomorrow for dinner with his parents? Mm-hm.
- Are we still invited? - He didn't say we weren't.
That is going to be excellent! - Do you think we shouldn't go? - l still need an ending.
- Say you'll come.
Please! - No.
He hurt my feelings.
You hurt his.
ls that it? What are you going to do, chuck it over? Yeah, right.
No, l usually spend lunch hour making revisions.
- After last night, there are quite a few.
- Let's have a look.
- No.
- Go on.
Please.
No, it's a work in progress! Go away, you mad thing.
No! Like Father, Like Son.
Good title.
l like it.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Right, let's have a look.
''Pete was never a slave to fashion, and his style was as flexible as his girth''! Adam, that's so cruel! The truth is painful.
''Pete's wife Penny'' Penny? l thought you hadn't changed the names.
l haven't.
lt's a misprint.
''Pete's wife Penny - The Misprint - knew her mind.
'' That's true.
''She always liked the last word and, for that matter, every word in between''! - No! - lt's dramatic licence! l mean, obviously it's not true.
You've hurt my feelings.
l'll have to go now.
Listen, you will come tonight? - l'm going to finish the book.
- Fine, just don't finish it tonight.
Have dinner tonight.
Please.
Are you really that concerned about me and Pete? Mmno.
No, you'll be all right.
You'll patch it up.
You always do.
No, it's bloody Wallace and Gromit - Pete's parents.
l could just do with the moral support.
OK, we'll come.
Hoorah.
Only because it's you.
You and Pete have had a falling out, eh? l'm not supposed to mention it.
- Thanks, Pete.
- Reminds me of when you were kids.
They were always bickering.
Then Pete would sit on him.
Some things haven't changed, then.
Got your notebook, have you? - Audrey, why don't you go and sit down? - l'll just finish these plates.
But we haven't even used them yet.
They gather dust in the cupboard.
Oh.
Do you like your carrots that thin? Audrey, sit down! - You could cut the atmosphere in there with a - (Whimpers) Do you need a hand? (Gasps) DAD: l hear you're Adam's godfather.
- Unless l've been sacked.
- Come on, Adam.
Pete wouldn't do that.
- Jenny won't let me.
- Hm.
And what do you think of the young fella's name? Adam? l like it.
Adam Preston Gifford.
- No room for Algernon.
- No.
Nor Sigismund, or Egbert, or Beowulf.
Algernon's been in the family for generations.
My great-grandfather was an Algernon and every Gifford since.
- lt's Pete's middle name.
- And they never let me forget it at school.
What's wrong with Algernon? lt's ugly, it's old-fashioned, and in its shortened form it means pond scum! - That was his nickname.
- lt's our heritage! - Do you want to destroy that? - Apparently.
'Ey, we could add it after Preston.
- Yeah! - No.
No way.
One daft name's enough.
Besides, he's not having four initials.
People will think he's upper class.
Then you won't see us at the christening.
- (Ramona sobs) .
.
l say to him.
KAREN: l don't want to know! (Ramona sobs hysterically) - l'm not bloody interested, Ramona.
- But it's not true! l don't care, Ramona! You should have thought of that before! But l ask him to help David! (Sobs) - Have you told her to pay for her phone calls? - l fired her.
Why? Because she's having an affair.
She wouldn't be the first, would she? You shit! You never read my note, David! - How long have you been shagging Ramona? - l haven't.
lt was our firstor rather, it wasn't.
Look, Ramona's got a crush on me, right? And l, welll thought l'd take advantage, since you've been shagging Alec Welcht.
- What? - Don't deny it, Karen.
Adam told me everything.
Adam? Your source was Adam? Who got it from Rachel.
Who presumably got it from you.
David, l never slept with Alec.
l won't pretend it didn't cross my mind - that's what l told Rachel - but it never happened.
l think he prefers younger women.
l see.
- But you thought about it, didn't you? - Yes, l did, David.
He paid me attention.
He flattered me.
l can flatter you.
You've got a great throwing arm.
l'd hoped Pete would inherit his father's looks, not his temperament.
Audrey, um Really sorryl held a knife on you.
That's all right, dear.
You've always been a little bit excitable.
Pete's really upset that you won't be at the christening.
- Oh, we will.
- Eh? When Pete wants one thing and you want another, who wins? Moi! They say men marry their mothers.
Oh, no.
(Laughs) Bye, love.
See you, Mum.
- Bye-bye, love.
- Bye.
- Look after my grandson.
- Yeah.
And my son.
JENNY: Bye.
- Pete.
- Yeah? Which way to the A34? A34? Right.
Obstinate sod! Don't you turn left for the A34? - Oh, dear.
- Oh, that's awful.
Awful.
- l should have listened to you.
- Mm.
- l shouldn't have said anything to Adam.
- No.
l'm sorry.
- How did you get Ramona to stay on? - An apology and a pay rise.
You should get Adam to contribute.
Oh, l'm not the vindictive kind, Rachel.
- Hi, girls.
- Adam.
Have you finished it already? Well, there were no long words.
Karen, l want you to be brutal.
l know we're friends, but l value your professional opinion.
What can l say, Adam? lt left me Speechless.
lt reminds me of what Truman Capote said of Jack Kerouac.
- Really? - Mm.
''This isn't writing, it's typing.
'' ln your case, it's not even good typing.
Umwhen l said ''brutal'', um There's a simile in chapter five l quite liked, though it's not original.
The rest is just wastepaper.
l umthink l'llget myself a drink.
Best make it a double, eh? l haven't finished yet.
(Organ music) Quickly.
All right, all right.
Careful.
- Hi.
- Sorry we're late.
- Hi.
- Hi.
For you.
We're accepting gifts after the christening.
lt's my novel.
l decided friendship was more important than fame.
Denis Law? Anyway, Karen said it was shite.
ls there any sign of your parents yet? No.
They'll be here.
Your mum promised.
You might want to move inside now? l'm Sheila.
Jenny's sister.
- The Christian? - Of course.
As godfather, aren't you? - Have you got him a present? - A Bible.
Oh, you haven't as well? l was this close to, butno.
l got him a Peter Rabbit bowl and mug.
lt's Wedgwood.
Hiya.
ls David not with you? No, he's on the phone.
Some deal with Tokyo.
Are we the last? Possibly.
Hai.
Watashiwa Tokyoe ikimasu Er, next week.
You don't speak Japanese, do you? Yes.
As a matter of fact, l do.
Perfect.
Could you tell him l'm going to be in Tokyo next week? Moshi moshi.
Odenwa kaerimashita.
SHElLA: And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off.
lt is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go to hell to the unquenchable fire.
And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out.
lt is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell.
We're now going to hear from Adam's godfather and namesake Adam Williams.
Brilliant.
- Arigato.
- Doo itashimashite.
ADAM: l'm quite nervous, actually.
A lot of eyes looking at me.
Umno-one's ever asked me to be a godfather before.
l can't see why not.
And so l'm especially proud that my best friends have.
l've got some notes here somewhere.
When a baby's born ereverything changes.
Families change.
Everyone else moves up a generation.
Petewho is a son (Mobile rings) - .
.
is now also a father.
Yeah? Hai.
Hai.
Er (Snaps fingers) Um Where was l? Er Oh, yeah, fathers and sons.
l asked Pete's dad - Algy - what it had been like for him to be a father.
This is going to be good.
And erhe sent me this.
''lnevitably parents love their children more than their children love them.
A father looks at a son and sees part of himself.
They say, 'Be careful what you wish for.
' My wish for my son was that he grew up independent of mind and strong of will.
That he has drives me mad.
lt also fills me with pride.
'' Yeah? Well, why didn't the old git turn up, then? ''l know that Pete will be a good father.
l've seen the way he looks at his son - with love.
A love that only a father can recognise, and which l recognise, cos that's how l look at Pete.
(Mobile rings) ADAM: Oh, for God's sake! You shouldn't blaspheme in church.
And you shouldn't heckle.
Hello? OK, Mum.
What is it, Pete? My dad.
He's dead.
lronic, really.
Your father never went to church.
Then he has a heart attack on his way to one.
l'm going to be a good dad to him.
l wanted to be to you.
He never knew how much l loved him.
Yes, he did.
You just had a funny way of showing it, love.
- Look after my grandson.
- Yeah.
And my son.
You're just like him.
Come on.