Cold Feet (1997) s02e02 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 2
Josh! Whoo.
Hello, son.
How's my little Liberace getting on? Come on.
(Plays keys) Joshy! Josh! RAMONA: Joshy! RAMONA: Josh! He no here! Unless he with David.
No, David's gone to get a paper.
Hello! Hey, look.
(Toy phone rings) - Hello? Yes.
lt's for you.
(Thinks) l think l don't love you any more.
(Knocking) PETE: Come on, love.
- What are you doing in there, writing a book? (Toy squeaks) Why do you leave these things here? Josh! Joshy! (Gasps) No.
- Ramona, think where else he could be hiding.
- l don't know.
l look everywhere! - Morning.
- Josh! Hello, darling.
What? What the hell were you thinking of, David? l'm not allowed to take my son to the newsagent? l'm sorry.
Of course you are.
lt's just that you haven't done it before.
Well, it's high time l got started.
Do you know, l can't even remember Wee Willie Winkie.
How does it go? He runs through the town, upstairs downstairs, in his nightgown.
Then what? What's brought this on? No, that's not right.
Knocking at the window, peeping through the lock.
Are the children all in bed, cos it's past eight o'clock! l'm late.
Joshy, darling, be good for Ramona, yeah? And Daddy.
- Bye, darling.
- Bye.
David, are you going to start calling head-hunters today? Oh, maybe.
Maybe.
Yeah, all right, all right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, Josh! Colouring time.
So, how was your evening? Well, um Eventful.
But nothing like that.
God! Abortion! But l saw her with a baby.
The one that looked Chinese? lt belonged to a friend of Karen's.
Japanese.
Oh, so l was close.
Not in thinking it was Rachel's, no.
- Oh, Jesus.
- ls that all you can say? What else is there to say? Jesus! Change the record.
l'm sorry.
Sorry.
- So why was your evening eventful? - What? - You said you had an eventful evening.
- Oh, yeah.
Why? Oh, it's nothing.
PETE: Hello! Hello, tiger.
- What are you doing here? - We came to meet you.
- Why? - Thought you might like it.
Shall we go home, then? Pete, l'm sorry about what l said last night.
What was that, Jen? l'd had a bit to drink.
lt just slipped out.
So you're telling me now you didn't mean it? - Yeah! - Oh.
Liar! Pete, l just phrased it badly.
You couldn't have phrased it any better.
You had no doubt what you meant.
- lt's the time of the month.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, l don't want to discuss it.
- Look, it's my period.
You know what l'm like.
- Jen, l don't want to discuss it! Heard from Adam? - Saw him at lunch time.
- Oh, yeah.
And? (Sighs) Rachel's had an abortion.
Wait a minute.
You saw her baby.
No.
lt wasn't hers.
- Oh, my Really? An abortion? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
- Really? - Yeah.
He'll be gutted.
God.
He's probably still at the office.
There you go, hold him.
Hold him.
OK, give him his tea.
lf l'm not back, put him to bed.
All right, love? Thanks.
And l thought you'd come to see me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You haven't been moping all day, have you? - No.
Most of it.
Ramona's been doing her best to distract me.
Ah, Karen! You are home.
David no home.
Joshy no home.
And l am no very happy.
He no have his lunch today.
l make him a Spanish omelette.
RACHEL: Delicious.
- He no have his biscuit this afternoon.
- A chocolate bourbon.
- A nanny with no child is - ls like a fish without a bicycle.
RAMONA: .
.
is no nanny! RAMONA: No, no, no.
ls no right.
No.
lf David, he want to be a nanny, let him go and train for four year, OK? All right, Ramona, l take your point.
l don't even know if l should run his bath any more.
l said l take your point.
- Where are they? - David took him for a quarter pounder.
l haven't seen him since.
David, where are you? Hello, darling.
l'm with Josh.
And a donkey.
Sorry, darling, you're breaking up.
l thought you said donkey! That's right.
On the beach.
- What beach? - Blackpool.
- David, it's six o'clock! - Good grief, is it? Um Right, well, tell Ramona not to bother with tea.
Joshy and l will get chips on the motorway, OK? Bye.
Ah, this is fun, Josh, isn't it? OK, once more round and then we'll go home.
What is it? What happen? Where are they? Blackpool.
Blackpool? PORTlSHEAD: Glory Box Are you going to see her again? Yeah.
l mean, not like that.
No, it's over between us.
Too much history.
Time to move on.
Well, you've always got the lovely Amy, eh? - Oh, yeah! - Yeah! That's not serious, you know.
She's just company.
Listen, how did you find Pete at lunch time? Pete? Same as usual - in the pub.
l'm so funny.
l mean, was he all right? Wasn't upset or weird or anything? l mean, he's always weird but Umno.
What's he got to be upset about? Something l said.
You didn't ask him how he can live with himself, did you? No.
l told him l didn't love him any more.
Oh.
What? He never said anything about that.
l told him everything about me.
l laid myself bare.
That's not what friends do.
Friends don't do that.
Right, l'm going to ring him and tell him.
- That would be very supportive, Adam.
- Yeah.
That wouldn't be supportive.
God, Pete! (Phone rings) (Football commentary on TV) Yeah.
Adam, yeah.
Pete, hi.
Jenny's here.
She told me about last night.
Things change, don't they? Yeah, hang on.
(Turns volume down) Oh, my God.
l'm so sorry, mate.
Are you all right? - Er l should probably go.
- No, no, no.
Stay, stay, stay.
- ls she listening? - Yeah.
Listen, do me a favour, mate.
Are you on the cordless? Yep.
Tell you what, stick it on the side, right, and you find out from Jen what's going on.
And l'll listen in, OK? Right.
Bye.
Um So why are you off Pete? God - (Sighs) lt's sort of worse than that, really.
- Pardon? l mean, let's not sod about here.
lt's l justl just don't see in him what l used to.
See in him what? God, it's the guilt, you know.
Our child's, what, a year old, and what am l thinking? lt's justyou can't dictate - and l don't even like saying it, but - when you're going to fall out of love with someone.
There.
Shit.
- You want coffee? - Er, tea.
Um ls there a particular reason? How do you mean? Well, er Um Have you met someone else? What makes you say that? Oh, come on, Jen, look at yourself.
Attractive, fit, big girl you are.
l mean, any man in his right mind is gonna want to - No.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
As it happens, yeah .
.
there is someone.
There's someone else? What's he like? He's seeing someone at the minute.
But it's not serious.
Er Lives alone.
Funny.
He's really funny.
Er He's quite good-looking.
Not as much as he thinks.
But um Not big on cleanliness.
Have you got any clean mugs, Adam? Does Pete know him? - Yeah.
(Kettle whistles) lt's his best friend.
His best friend? (Kettle stops whistling) But that's um Adam.
Of course it's She's just about to tell you, and then there's static on the line and the phone goes dead.
God! Look at that! ''United striker linked with lnter''! - Who is it, Adam? - Ryan Giggs.
- Giggsy? - lnter reckon he's worth £20 million.
No, Adam! l can't remember.
What do you mean, you can't remember? - l thought you were listening.
- l couldn't hear anything! God! There must be something.
A first name! l'm sorry.
Oh, God! Let's work with what we've got.
lt's um Well, it's obviously someone l know.
Could be someone at work.
Maybe a friend.
Look, are you gonna bowl, or what? Come on.
Ah! Jenny says he lives alone, so he's obviously a sad git.
Hey! l live alone! He says he's good-looking, so he's obviously an arrogant bastard.
Jen says he's funny.
- Yeah, but l'm funny! Aren't l? - Yeah, yeah.
He's not big on cleanliness.
l mean Jenny doesn't know any students.
God! Hang on.
l know who it is.
Who? - lt's Roger Braithwaite.
- Oh! He's gay! Oh, yeah.
l'm going to ask her.
- Ah! Perfect timing.
- No, no, no, no! No, no, no.
She'll think l told you.
l've got to go.
- What? You've got another frame to play.
- l need to see Rachel.
- Hiya.
- Jen.
Hi.
- Listen, l've got to go.
- Great! l win.
Woo-hoo! ADAM: Bye.
Have fun.
l think it's brilliant you're spending so much time with Josh, David.
Yes.
Yes.
So do l.
You won't let it interfere with you finding a job, will you? No.
Here, have another cup of tea.
What if a head-hunter calls and you're out with him? l've always got my mobile with me.
Yeah, well l can think of times when that won't be practical.
Like what? Hello? Hello? - l don't think that's very likely, do you? - Depends how often you go swimming.
Or if you've called any head-hunters.
Karen, you know the other evening, when l was collecting Josh from nursery? l nearly lost him, Karen.
He never runs off very far.
No He was nearly hit by a car.
- What? - l didn't mention it cos l didn't want to alarm you.
- David, you should - There l was, in my own little world.
l took my eye off him for a couple of seconds and lt was as close as that, Karen.
And it made me think that now that l've got this period of enforced leisure .
.
l'll use it so that l can put my family first.
JOSH: lt's nice and clean now.
So what you're saying is, you haven't made any effort to find another job.
No, of course l have.
Anyway, we've got to be realistic, Karen.
ln this climate, l may not be offered anything.
Which is OK.
lt's fine.
Which means l can spend more time with Josh.
And you.
We can't afford our lifestyle on just my salary.
Yeah, but if you get a promotion OK, OK, we'll make some cutbacks.
There's your riding lessons.
Futile business anyway.
And that health club you never go to.
And, um, what sacrifices are you prepared to make? - Ramona.
- What? Well, she doesn't do anything now that l'm looking after Josh.
lt's only a nanny without a child .
.
is like a fish without a bicycle.
Precisely.
Anyway, so that's my contribution to cutting costs.
Her wages.
l don't know, David.
l'll have to think about it.
(Josh cries) - Oh! ln your eye.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- That's it.
- There we are.
Hey, what did Natalie want the other day when she rang? l'll get a towel.
Oh, there was just um some project l'd been working on.
She wanted some free advice.
Here, in your eye.
God, she's got a nerve, that woman.
l hope you told her where to get off.
lt doesn't pay to offend these people.
Come on, out you get.
You're doing it again.
- What? - Smiling.
You always do that after sex.
What are you thinking about? Nothing.
- Come on! - Nothing.
- Was it me? - No, Amy, it wasn't you.
(Amy groans) lf you must know, l was thinking about my ex, Rachel.
(Sighs) With the emphasis on ex? Yeah.
l saw her tonight.
For the last time.
ADAM: She was baby-sitting round at Pete and Jen's.
' l haven't managed to get him down yet.
l don't think l'm really cut out for this.
Anyway, um Rachel, l l really wanted to apologise for the other night.
What l said was unforgivable.
No, it was definitely forgivable.
- Here, here.
l'll take him.
- Thanks.
Oh, yah-yah-yah-yah-yah.
Do you want a drink? Well, l shouldn't really stay.
Oh, go on, then.
Time for you to go to bed, boy.
lt was OK.
Closure? Well, l'd never say that but Adam, l am sorry.
God, my life.
Anyway, one thing's for sure, l'm going to have to get a lodger.
l've been putting it off in case things changed, butsince they haven't Oh, do you have to? l mean, l'll have to start wearing clothes.
Can't afford this place on my own.
You'll get a foul-smelling bloke who'll pee on the toilet seat and lech at me when he thinks l'm not looking.
Oh, Adam, if you get a lodger it won't feel like home.
Um lt's not your home.
l know the perfect person.
And she'd jump at the chance of moving in with you.
Oh, yeah? Ooh, um Er No, Amy, no.
l don't think so.
l mean, we hardly know each other.
Well, obviously we know each other, but - Not me.
- .
.
you know.
Oh.
l get to stay here, anyway.
Why would l want to pay rent? No, it's a girl from work.
She lives with her boyfriend but he's a shit.
She can't move out till she's got somewhere else.
Right, well, yeah, send her round.
She's great fun.
Her name's Rachel.
(Chuckles) (Baby cries) What's the matter? What time is it, Pete? Morning.
(Recalls Jen): As it happens, yeah, there is someone.
Thursday morning.
Started again, right on cue.
Why do l always look like shit when my period starts? There is a God.
Today, l saw this dress.
80 quid! But then That's £8, please.
So, what to do? (Speeded-up dialogue) l'm the king of the castle! PETE: Honestly, what do you think? l think l don't love you any more.
(Rewinds speech) l think l don't love you any more.
- l just don't see in him what l used to.
- See in him, what? God, it's the guilt, you know.
My child's, what, a year old, and what am l thinking? (Rewinds) lt's his best friend.
But that's um Adam Of course it's you.
(Jen sings nonsense) Hello, Daddy! Hello? What? What? He's so grumpy.
Come on! Karen! Hi! Natalie Lawrence.
David's ex-boss.
Yeah, l know who you are.
l didn't know you were a member here.
Yeah, well, thanks to you, l might not be for much longer.
Karen, correct me if l'm wrong, but do l detect a little hostility here? - Are you surprised? - Quite frankly, yes.
- Do you want gratitude? - l'm not particularly looking for thanks, but ls that how it works where you come from, Natalie? You stab someone in the back and expect them to suck up to you? What are you talking about? Who did l stab in the back? David's too public school to tell you what he thinks.
- But l have no such qualms.
- What are you talking about? The British educational system? First of all, you sack my husband, then you want free advice? No.
First of all, l sack your husband, then l offer him another job.
- A better one, in fact.
- What? l joined DZQ.
l asked David to be my second.
But ever since your son nearly had that accident, he turned me down flat.
He says he's done with working.
Did he? Adam Williams.
This is Reception.
Pete Gifford to see you.
Pete? Er Yeah, OK.
Yeah.
Send him up.
Adam Williams? Anyone? Adam Williams? Adam Williams? Anybody? Adam Williams? Adam Williams? No? Adam Williams? Ah, Adam.
(Laughs) You bastard! To think l trusted you! God! l should have guessed from her description.
The arrogant git bit.
- And then what do you do? MAN: What are you doing? Shut up! You take advantage, - while l'm listening on the phone! - Pete, Pete.
Pete, Pete! - You bastard! - Pete! You don't see her! You don't talk to her! You stay away! lt'sit's OK.
Yeah, he's a friend of mine.
lt's OK.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's my room.
Although Um And this would be yours.
lt's a bit young for me, isn't it? Yeah.
Um Yeah, l mean, l'll clear all this stuff out.
And obviously, l'll put in a chest of drawers, a bidet, bed.
l take it you'd prefer a double.
Yeah.
Um As you can see, it's recently been decorated.
What, in two shades of yellow? l ran out halfway through.
Couldn't find the same colour.
So how much are you asking? Um Going rate, l suppose.
l saw one yesterday that was 65 quid a week, including bills.
- Sounds reasonable.
- No, it wasn't.
- So how about £50? - £60.
- £55? - Done.
So, are you going to take it? lt's already taken.
Oh! Who by? Excellent! My favourite man living with my favourite girl! Let's go and celebrate.
Er Oh, God, l can't.
Sorry, l've got to go.
Um Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, and you.
- Bye.
- Cheers, anyway.
- Cheers.
ltalian waltz (Doorbell) - What? - What? - What do you want? - To talk.
- Who to? - You.
And Jen.
l'll give you this.
You've got balls.
Hiya.
God, what happened to you? Pete.
- What have you said? - That you and Jenny are in love.
- No, we're not.
- l read it in her diary! For Christ's sakes! How long has this been going on? Nothing's going on.
You read my diary.
Right.
So l'm the one at fault now, am l? You are if you think we're in love.
- You kissed her.
- lt wasn't a kiss.
l was trying to shut her up so you wouldn't hear who she's got a crush on.
How would Pete hear? The phone.
Pete was on the other end.
Look, Jen.
l like you.
l love you like a sister, but Jen, for Christ's sake! You're my best mate's wife! She's not in love.
Nor am l.
Do you think l wanted this to happen? l mean, do you believe this? You're my best friend.
l've lost Rachel.
l've lost her.
And Jenny You and her are my best mates so come for a drink.
Peter, it's shite if l walk away from here and that's it.
You're my best friend.
Come for a drink, will you? Oil drill housing - blank, blank, R, blank, l, blank, blank.
Derrick.
Ramona, l left some of Josh's clothes in the bathroom.
He think they gonna walk by themselves? You know, her attitude's getting worse.
l think we should give her notice.
David, can you do the meal tomorrow, please? Sure.
l'll pop down to M&S.
Josh can help me choose.
No.
l want to you to cook.
l've got people coming for dinner.
- Who? - Just some friends from work.
But l want to impress them, so no ready meals.
lf you want to impress them, you do it.
l can't cook.
David, l'm at work all day.
l would very much like to spend some time with my son.
You have all day to prepare a meal.
Even you should be able to do that! With offbeat rhythm, 1 0 letters.
Syncopated.
Can l ask your advice? What about? You're going to love this.
Women.
- Are you taking the piss? - No! No.
lt's about my new lodger.
Rachel.
Rachel Two.
l really fancy her.
l want to ask her out.
What do you want my advice for? Well, you know .
.
do you think it's ethical, me being her landlord? Tell you what, mate.
l don't think your girlfriend will be that well pleased.
Amy? Oh.
She's not really my girlfriend.
Well, she thinks she is.
She's even got your photo on her desk at work.
- Where did she get that? - She pestered me for ages.
l found one of you and me at Blackpool, on the Big Dipper.
She cut me off.
l remember that.
lt's not very flattering.
How do you think l feel? Look lf you want to ask her out, ask her out.
But you've got to get shot of Amy.
Right? Thank you.
- l've been thinking - You ought to give me a - You first.
- You ought to give me a key to your house.
- Why? - For Rachel.
You didn't give her one.
Oh, yeah.
Good idea.
Take these.
l've got a spare set at work.
What were you going to say? You look serious.
- What are you doing? - Getting frisky.
Amy, we're on a tram! lt's not that crowded.
Have you ever done it on a tram? No.
Have you? Look, Amy, there's something l've got to say.
- l meant to say it last night, but - Something came up.
- l don't think we should see each other! - Why? Because l don't think we're compatible.
Compatible? All that sex and we're not compatible? No! l mean, l like the sex as much as the next man.
Probably more.
You're great at it.
lt must be the practice.
But l want more from a relationship.
We have more.
Much more.
We have nothing! Look, l'm sorry, Amy.
We're just not meant to be.
You don't mean this.
You're just tired.
l'm exhausted! Please, take care.
l'm sorry.
And one bag of plain flour.
Two red peppers.
And some fresh basil.
That's all the ingredients you need to make Parmesan Chicken Bake.
Except the chicken.
Oh, no! l'll get your coat.
l've got some people coming for dinner tonight.
Join us if you want to.
- Thanks, but - David's cooking.
Really? My God.
No.
l'm going to pop round and see Adam.
l've been thinking.
We got on really well when he came round to Pete and Jenny's.
(Laughter) We had some good times together, didn't we? Yeah.
And some great times.
Yeah.
You mentioned.
No, Karen.
l mean really, really well.
Some of the things he said l suppose one of the reasons l was so upset .
.
was that um .
.
well, until l met you, l'd never really wanted children.
He could have been sending me a message.
Do you want to go to bed? l mean, if l'm keeping you up Yeah, that he still wants to sleep with you.
No.
l think we could get back together again.
l think he's willing to put the past behind us and to start again.
He didn't say so because he wasn't sure how l'd react.
Yeah, well, experience will have taught him that.
l know.
lt's my turn to make the first move.
And l'm willing to.
- What's all that? - Oh, nothing.
Rachel, come on.
What is it? l'm writing a speech.
- What for? - For Adam.
Why? Well, l don't want to say the wrong thing.
- lt's a bit long, isn't it? - No! Those are all the drafts.
But l'm really getting there! Er Place chicken breasts between sheets of clear film, and flatten with a rolling pin to a depth of five millimetres.
OK, here we go.
Do you want to try this? Flatten it.
Go on, bash it.
Five millimetres.
Where's your drawing kit? Keep bashing.
Keep bashing.
That's it.
Er Five millimetres.
Yeah.
Right.
Piece of cake this, Josh! What's next? E Take the tomato sauce prepared earlier They can't bring that up just now! Oh, no.
Oh, no! (Ramona hums) (Doorbell) KAREN: David, can you get that, please? David! Yes, madam.
Yes, madam.
Three bags full, madam.
-Natalie! What are you doing here? - l thought l was invited to dinner.
Oh, l don't think you've met my new husband.
George, this is David.
Natalie! l'm really glad you could make it.
Natalie's a member of that health club l never go to, darling.
Really? Excuse me, please, l've just got to um Kitchen.
What do you think? Oh, Davidl don't know.
All right, l'll make it 30 quid.
OK.
But you, out! OK.
(Curses in Spanish) - Two glasses, sir.
- You're so kind.
Champagne! That's my kind of man.
(Sings) My kind of man Well, you know, l just wanted to .
.
welcome you to your new home.
Well, that's great.
l could get used to this.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, my dear.
So, um How was Amy today? What, you missing her, are you? No.
l justthought she might be a bit upset.
Why? Thanks very much.
Because we've split up.
Well, she didn't mention it.
She didn't mention it? Oh.
So, you're young, free and single, then? Well Free and single.
(Hums) So, Natalie, how's the firm managing without David? Oh, l wouldn't know.
l've moved on as well.
Didn't David tell you? No.
- More, anyone? George, you'll have some? - No.
l joined DZQ.
The new international division.
George, what is it you do? Commodities, is it? A new division? So you're taking people on? Dessert! Right, um Karen, would you give me a hand? - What are you doing? - l'm trying to find you a job.
l don't want l don't think it's appropriate.
This is a dinner party.
Natalie does not want to talk shop.
- She doesn't seem to mind.
- But l do.
- l'm quite capable of finding myself a job.
- You haven't had much luck so far.
Besides, Natalie may only have junior positions.
l wouldn't call being her number two junior.
How do you know about that? You lied to me, David! Natalie offered you a job and you turned it down.
Yes, because l want to spend more time with my son.
What's wrong with that? Besides, l'm quite happy to do housework.
You? Housework? Where do we keep the ironing board? What? The ironing board.
Where do we keep it? ln the bathroom? David, you don't iron, you don't clean, you don't cook.
How much are you giving Ramona for the meal tonight? 30 quid.
- 40 with the washing-up? - Probably.
David, you can work and be a good parent.
lt's just a question of striking a balance.
Darling, if you really don't want to go back to work, that's fine.
l'll support you.
Financially.
And that is all.
- Sorry about that.
- No problem.
So, David .
.
when can you start? Monday.
Perfect.
Ooh! This looks good.
Yes, it's Spanish.
(TV on) All right, love.
Did you want to watch anything? Er No.
l'll be popping up myself in a minute.
You're all right.
Take your time.
l've made the spare bed up.
l'm sorry, Pete.
Good night.
Daddy's not going to be around as much as he has been.
Though more than l was before.
l promise.
Bye baby bunting Daddy's management consulting Rachel! Don't say a word.
Just listen.
We love each other, Adam.
We always have done.
And we always will.
Regardless of what we do to each other.
And God knows Um l've done some terrible God knows, l've done some terrible things to you.
l wish that baby l wish l could have been sure that baby was yours.
Because we'd make a great family.
And we still can.
Adam, let's get back together.
And when you're ready, let's have that baby.
l love you, Rachel.
- Your place or mine? - Mine.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
(Giggling) (Footsteps on stairs) (Door closes) Loo.
(Doorbell) Oh, God! Well, don't go.
l'm sorry, l've got to go.
l'm the same with the phone.
- Oh, Adam, please.
- No, honestly, listen, l'll be back, l'll be back.
Get down.
Get down.
You can't have your bone yet.
Come on, big fella.
Good lad.
Don't say a word.
Just listen.
Adam? Adam? Shit.
(Door slams) SPACE: Female Of The Species Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me? Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me?
Hello, son.
How's my little Liberace getting on? Come on.
(Plays keys) Joshy! Josh! RAMONA: Joshy! RAMONA: Josh! He no here! Unless he with David.
No, David's gone to get a paper.
Hello! Hey, look.
(Toy phone rings) - Hello? Yes.
lt's for you.
(Thinks) l think l don't love you any more.
(Knocking) PETE: Come on, love.
- What are you doing in there, writing a book? (Toy squeaks) Why do you leave these things here? Josh! Joshy! (Gasps) No.
- Ramona, think where else he could be hiding.
- l don't know.
l look everywhere! - Morning.
- Josh! Hello, darling.
What? What the hell were you thinking of, David? l'm not allowed to take my son to the newsagent? l'm sorry.
Of course you are.
lt's just that you haven't done it before.
Well, it's high time l got started.
Do you know, l can't even remember Wee Willie Winkie.
How does it go? He runs through the town, upstairs downstairs, in his nightgown.
Then what? What's brought this on? No, that's not right.
Knocking at the window, peeping through the lock.
Are the children all in bed, cos it's past eight o'clock! l'm late.
Joshy, darling, be good for Ramona, yeah? And Daddy.
- Bye, darling.
- Bye.
David, are you going to start calling head-hunters today? Oh, maybe.
Maybe.
Yeah, all right, all right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, Josh! Colouring time.
So, how was your evening? Well, um Eventful.
But nothing like that.
God! Abortion! But l saw her with a baby.
The one that looked Chinese? lt belonged to a friend of Karen's.
Japanese.
Oh, so l was close.
Not in thinking it was Rachel's, no.
- Oh, Jesus.
- ls that all you can say? What else is there to say? Jesus! Change the record.
l'm sorry.
Sorry.
- So why was your evening eventful? - What? - You said you had an eventful evening.
- Oh, yeah.
Why? Oh, it's nothing.
PETE: Hello! Hello, tiger.
- What are you doing here? - We came to meet you.
- Why? - Thought you might like it.
Shall we go home, then? Pete, l'm sorry about what l said last night.
What was that, Jen? l'd had a bit to drink.
lt just slipped out.
So you're telling me now you didn't mean it? - Yeah! - Oh.
Liar! Pete, l just phrased it badly.
You couldn't have phrased it any better.
You had no doubt what you meant.
- lt's the time of the month.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, l don't want to discuss it.
- Look, it's my period.
You know what l'm like.
- Jen, l don't want to discuss it! Heard from Adam? - Saw him at lunch time.
- Oh, yeah.
And? (Sighs) Rachel's had an abortion.
Wait a minute.
You saw her baby.
No.
lt wasn't hers.
- Oh, my Really? An abortion? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
- Really? - Yeah.
He'll be gutted.
God.
He's probably still at the office.
There you go, hold him.
Hold him.
OK, give him his tea.
lf l'm not back, put him to bed.
All right, love? Thanks.
And l thought you'd come to see me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You haven't been moping all day, have you? - No.
Most of it.
Ramona's been doing her best to distract me.
Ah, Karen! You are home.
David no home.
Joshy no home.
And l am no very happy.
He no have his lunch today.
l make him a Spanish omelette.
RACHEL: Delicious.
- He no have his biscuit this afternoon.
- A chocolate bourbon.
- A nanny with no child is - ls like a fish without a bicycle.
RAMONA: .
.
is no nanny! RAMONA: No, no, no.
ls no right.
No.
lf David, he want to be a nanny, let him go and train for four year, OK? All right, Ramona, l take your point.
l don't even know if l should run his bath any more.
l said l take your point.
- Where are they? - David took him for a quarter pounder.
l haven't seen him since.
David, where are you? Hello, darling.
l'm with Josh.
And a donkey.
Sorry, darling, you're breaking up.
l thought you said donkey! That's right.
On the beach.
- What beach? - Blackpool.
- David, it's six o'clock! - Good grief, is it? Um Right, well, tell Ramona not to bother with tea.
Joshy and l will get chips on the motorway, OK? Bye.
Ah, this is fun, Josh, isn't it? OK, once more round and then we'll go home.
What is it? What happen? Where are they? Blackpool.
Blackpool? PORTlSHEAD: Glory Box Are you going to see her again? Yeah.
l mean, not like that.
No, it's over between us.
Too much history.
Time to move on.
Well, you've always got the lovely Amy, eh? - Oh, yeah! - Yeah! That's not serious, you know.
She's just company.
Listen, how did you find Pete at lunch time? Pete? Same as usual - in the pub.
l'm so funny.
l mean, was he all right? Wasn't upset or weird or anything? l mean, he's always weird but Umno.
What's he got to be upset about? Something l said.
You didn't ask him how he can live with himself, did you? No.
l told him l didn't love him any more.
Oh.
What? He never said anything about that.
l told him everything about me.
l laid myself bare.
That's not what friends do.
Friends don't do that.
Right, l'm going to ring him and tell him.
- That would be very supportive, Adam.
- Yeah.
That wouldn't be supportive.
God, Pete! (Phone rings) (Football commentary on TV) Yeah.
Adam, yeah.
Pete, hi.
Jenny's here.
She told me about last night.
Things change, don't they? Yeah, hang on.
(Turns volume down) Oh, my God.
l'm so sorry, mate.
Are you all right? - Er l should probably go.
- No, no, no.
Stay, stay, stay.
- ls she listening? - Yeah.
Listen, do me a favour, mate.
Are you on the cordless? Yep.
Tell you what, stick it on the side, right, and you find out from Jen what's going on.
And l'll listen in, OK? Right.
Bye.
Um So why are you off Pete? God - (Sighs) lt's sort of worse than that, really.
- Pardon? l mean, let's not sod about here.
lt's l justl just don't see in him what l used to.
See in him what? God, it's the guilt, you know.
Our child's, what, a year old, and what am l thinking? lt's justyou can't dictate - and l don't even like saying it, but - when you're going to fall out of love with someone.
There.
Shit.
- You want coffee? - Er, tea.
Um ls there a particular reason? How do you mean? Well, er Um Have you met someone else? What makes you say that? Oh, come on, Jen, look at yourself.
Attractive, fit, big girl you are.
l mean, any man in his right mind is gonna want to - No.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
As it happens, yeah .
.
there is someone.
There's someone else? What's he like? He's seeing someone at the minute.
But it's not serious.
Er Lives alone.
Funny.
He's really funny.
Er He's quite good-looking.
Not as much as he thinks.
But um Not big on cleanliness.
Have you got any clean mugs, Adam? Does Pete know him? - Yeah.
(Kettle whistles) lt's his best friend.
His best friend? (Kettle stops whistling) But that's um Adam.
Of course it's She's just about to tell you, and then there's static on the line and the phone goes dead.
God! Look at that! ''United striker linked with lnter''! - Who is it, Adam? - Ryan Giggs.
- Giggsy? - lnter reckon he's worth £20 million.
No, Adam! l can't remember.
What do you mean, you can't remember? - l thought you were listening.
- l couldn't hear anything! God! There must be something.
A first name! l'm sorry.
Oh, God! Let's work with what we've got.
lt's um Well, it's obviously someone l know.
Could be someone at work.
Maybe a friend.
Look, are you gonna bowl, or what? Come on.
Ah! Jenny says he lives alone, so he's obviously a sad git.
Hey! l live alone! He says he's good-looking, so he's obviously an arrogant bastard.
Jen says he's funny.
- Yeah, but l'm funny! Aren't l? - Yeah, yeah.
He's not big on cleanliness.
l mean Jenny doesn't know any students.
God! Hang on.
l know who it is.
Who? - lt's Roger Braithwaite.
- Oh! He's gay! Oh, yeah.
l'm going to ask her.
- Ah! Perfect timing.
- No, no, no, no! No, no, no.
She'll think l told you.
l've got to go.
- What? You've got another frame to play.
- l need to see Rachel.
- Hiya.
- Jen.
Hi.
- Listen, l've got to go.
- Great! l win.
Woo-hoo! ADAM: Bye.
Have fun.
l think it's brilliant you're spending so much time with Josh, David.
Yes.
Yes.
So do l.
You won't let it interfere with you finding a job, will you? No.
Here, have another cup of tea.
What if a head-hunter calls and you're out with him? l've always got my mobile with me.
Yeah, well l can think of times when that won't be practical.
Like what? Hello? Hello? - l don't think that's very likely, do you? - Depends how often you go swimming.
Or if you've called any head-hunters.
Karen, you know the other evening, when l was collecting Josh from nursery? l nearly lost him, Karen.
He never runs off very far.
No He was nearly hit by a car.
- What? - l didn't mention it cos l didn't want to alarm you.
- David, you should - There l was, in my own little world.
l took my eye off him for a couple of seconds and lt was as close as that, Karen.
And it made me think that now that l've got this period of enforced leisure .
.
l'll use it so that l can put my family first.
JOSH: lt's nice and clean now.
So what you're saying is, you haven't made any effort to find another job.
No, of course l have.
Anyway, we've got to be realistic, Karen.
ln this climate, l may not be offered anything.
Which is OK.
lt's fine.
Which means l can spend more time with Josh.
And you.
We can't afford our lifestyle on just my salary.
Yeah, but if you get a promotion OK, OK, we'll make some cutbacks.
There's your riding lessons.
Futile business anyway.
And that health club you never go to.
And, um, what sacrifices are you prepared to make? - Ramona.
- What? Well, she doesn't do anything now that l'm looking after Josh.
lt's only a nanny without a child .
.
is like a fish without a bicycle.
Precisely.
Anyway, so that's my contribution to cutting costs.
Her wages.
l don't know, David.
l'll have to think about it.
(Josh cries) - Oh! ln your eye.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- That's it.
- There we are.
Hey, what did Natalie want the other day when she rang? l'll get a towel.
Oh, there was just um some project l'd been working on.
She wanted some free advice.
Here, in your eye.
God, she's got a nerve, that woman.
l hope you told her where to get off.
lt doesn't pay to offend these people.
Come on, out you get.
You're doing it again.
- What? - Smiling.
You always do that after sex.
What are you thinking about? Nothing.
- Come on! - Nothing.
- Was it me? - No, Amy, it wasn't you.
(Amy groans) lf you must know, l was thinking about my ex, Rachel.
(Sighs) With the emphasis on ex? Yeah.
l saw her tonight.
For the last time.
ADAM: She was baby-sitting round at Pete and Jen's.
' l haven't managed to get him down yet.
l don't think l'm really cut out for this.
Anyway, um Rachel, l l really wanted to apologise for the other night.
What l said was unforgivable.
No, it was definitely forgivable.
- Here, here.
l'll take him.
- Thanks.
Oh, yah-yah-yah-yah-yah.
Do you want a drink? Well, l shouldn't really stay.
Oh, go on, then.
Time for you to go to bed, boy.
lt was OK.
Closure? Well, l'd never say that but Adam, l am sorry.
God, my life.
Anyway, one thing's for sure, l'm going to have to get a lodger.
l've been putting it off in case things changed, butsince they haven't Oh, do you have to? l mean, l'll have to start wearing clothes.
Can't afford this place on my own.
You'll get a foul-smelling bloke who'll pee on the toilet seat and lech at me when he thinks l'm not looking.
Oh, Adam, if you get a lodger it won't feel like home.
Um lt's not your home.
l know the perfect person.
And she'd jump at the chance of moving in with you.
Oh, yeah? Ooh, um Er No, Amy, no.
l don't think so.
l mean, we hardly know each other.
Well, obviously we know each other, but - Not me.
- .
.
you know.
Oh.
l get to stay here, anyway.
Why would l want to pay rent? No, it's a girl from work.
She lives with her boyfriend but he's a shit.
She can't move out till she's got somewhere else.
Right, well, yeah, send her round.
She's great fun.
Her name's Rachel.
(Chuckles) (Baby cries) What's the matter? What time is it, Pete? Morning.
(Recalls Jen): As it happens, yeah, there is someone.
Thursday morning.
Started again, right on cue.
Why do l always look like shit when my period starts? There is a God.
Today, l saw this dress.
80 quid! But then That's £8, please.
So, what to do? (Speeded-up dialogue) l'm the king of the castle! PETE: Honestly, what do you think? l think l don't love you any more.
(Rewinds speech) l think l don't love you any more.
- l just don't see in him what l used to.
- See in him, what? God, it's the guilt, you know.
My child's, what, a year old, and what am l thinking? (Rewinds) lt's his best friend.
But that's um Adam Of course it's you.
(Jen sings nonsense) Hello, Daddy! Hello? What? What? He's so grumpy.
Come on! Karen! Hi! Natalie Lawrence.
David's ex-boss.
Yeah, l know who you are.
l didn't know you were a member here.
Yeah, well, thanks to you, l might not be for much longer.
Karen, correct me if l'm wrong, but do l detect a little hostility here? - Are you surprised? - Quite frankly, yes.
- Do you want gratitude? - l'm not particularly looking for thanks, but ls that how it works where you come from, Natalie? You stab someone in the back and expect them to suck up to you? What are you talking about? Who did l stab in the back? David's too public school to tell you what he thinks.
- But l have no such qualms.
- What are you talking about? The British educational system? First of all, you sack my husband, then you want free advice? No.
First of all, l sack your husband, then l offer him another job.
- A better one, in fact.
- What? l joined DZQ.
l asked David to be my second.
But ever since your son nearly had that accident, he turned me down flat.
He says he's done with working.
Did he? Adam Williams.
This is Reception.
Pete Gifford to see you.
Pete? Er Yeah, OK.
Yeah.
Send him up.
Adam Williams? Anyone? Adam Williams? Adam Williams? Anybody? Adam Williams? Adam Williams? No? Adam Williams? Ah, Adam.
(Laughs) You bastard! To think l trusted you! God! l should have guessed from her description.
The arrogant git bit.
- And then what do you do? MAN: What are you doing? Shut up! You take advantage, - while l'm listening on the phone! - Pete, Pete.
Pete, Pete! - You bastard! - Pete! You don't see her! You don't talk to her! You stay away! lt'sit's OK.
Yeah, he's a friend of mine.
lt's OK.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's my room.
Although Um And this would be yours.
lt's a bit young for me, isn't it? Yeah.
Um Yeah, l mean, l'll clear all this stuff out.
And obviously, l'll put in a chest of drawers, a bidet, bed.
l take it you'd prefer a double.
Yeah.
Um As you can see, it's recently been decorated.
What, in two shades of yellow? l ran out halfway through.
Couldn't find the same colour.
So how much are you asking? Um Going rate, l suppose.
l saw one yesterday that was 65 quid a week, including bills.
- Sounds reasonable.
- No, it wasn't.
- So how about £50? - £60.
- £55? - Done.
So, are you going to take it? lt's already taken.
Oh! Who by? Excellent! My favourite man living with my favourite girl! Let's go and celebrate.
Er Oh, God, l can't.
Sorry, l've got to go.
Um Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, and you.
- Bye.
- Cheers, anyway.
- Cheers.
ltalian waltz (Doorbell) - What? - What? - What do you want? - To talk.
- Who to? - You.
And Jen.
l'll give you this.
You've got balls.
Hiya.
God, what happened to you? Pete.
- What have you said? - That you and Jenny are in love.
- No, we're not.
- l read it in her diary! For Christ's sakes! How long has this been going on? Nothing's going on.
You read my diary.
Right.
So l'm the one at fault now, am l? You are if you think we're in love.
- You kissed her.
- lt wasn't a kiss.
l was trying to shut her up so you wouldn't hear who she's got a crush on.
How would Pete hear? The phone.
Pete was on the other end.
Look, Jen.
l like you.
l love you like a sister, but Jen, for Christ's sake! You're my best mate's wife! She's not in love.
Nor am l.
Do you think l wanted this to happen? l mean, do you believe this? You're my best friend.
l've lost Rachel.
l've lost her.
And Jenny You and her are my best mates so come for a drink.
Peter, it's shite if l walk away from here and that's it.
You're my best friend.
Come for a drink, will you? Oil drill housing - blank, blank, R, blank, l, blank, blank.
Derrick.
Ramona, l left some of Josh's clothes in the bathroom.
He think they gonna walk by themselves? You know, her attitude's getting worse.
l think we should give her notice.
David, can you do the meal tomorrow, please? Sure.
l'll pop down to M&S.
Josh can help me choose.
No.
l want to you to cook.
l've got people coming for dinner.
- Who? - Just some friends from work.
But l want to impress them, so no ready meals.
lf you want to impress them, you do it.
l can't cook.
David, l'm at work all day.
l would very much like to spend some time with my son.
You have all day to prepare a meal.
Even you should be able to do that! With offbeat rhythm, 1 0 letters.
Syncopated.
Can l ask your advice? What about? You're going to love this.
Women.
- Are you taking the piss? - No! No.
lt's about my new lodger.
Rachel.
Rachel Two.
l really fancy her.
l want to ask her out.
What do you want my advice for? Well, you know .
.
do you think it's ethical, me being her landlord? Tell you what, mate.
l don't think your girlfriend will be that well pleased.
Amy? Oh.
She's not really my girlfriend.
Well, she thinks she is.
She's even got your photo on her desk at work.
- Where did she get that? - She pestered me for ages.
l found one of you and me at Blackpool, on the Big Dipper.
She cut me off.
l remember that.
lt's not very flattering.
How do you think l feel? Look lf you want to ask her out, ask her out.
But you've got to get shot of Amy.
Right? Thank you.
- l've been thinking - You ought to give me a - You first.
- You ought to give me a key to your house.
- Why? - For Rachel.
You didn't give her one.
Oh, yeah.
Good idea.
Take these.
l've got a spare set at work.
What were you going to say? You look serious.
- What are you doing? - Getting frisky.
Amy, we're on a tram! lt's not that crowded.
Have you ever done it on a tram? No.
Have you? Look, Amy, there's something l've got to say.
- l meant to say it last night, but - Something came up.
- l don't think we should see each other! - Why? Because l don't think we're compatible.
Compatible? All that sex and we're not compatible? No! l mean, l like the sex as much as the next man.
Probably more.
You're great at it.
lt must be the practice.
But l want more from a relationship.
We have more.
Much more.
We have nothing! Look, l'm sorry, Amy.
We're just not meant to be.
You don't mean this.
You're just tired.
l'm exhausted! Please, take care.
l'm sorry.
And one bag of plain flour.
Two red peppers.
And some fresh basil.
That's all the ingredients you need to make Parmesan Chicken Bake.
Except the chicken.
Oh, no! l'll get your coat.
l've got some people coming for dinner tonight.
Join us if you want to.
- Thanks, but - David's cooking.
Really? My God.
No.
l'm going to pop round and see Adam.
l've been thinking.
We got on really well when he came round to Pete and Jenny's.
(Laughter) We had some good times together, didn't we? Yeah.
And some great times.
Yeah.
You mentioned.
No, Karen.
l mean really, really well.
Some of the things he said l suppose one of the reasons l was so upset .
.
was that um .
.
well, until l met you, l'd never really wanted children.
He could have been sending me a message.
Do you want to go to bed? l mean, if l'm keeping you up Yeah, that he still wants to sleep with you.
No.
l think we could get back together again.
l think he's willing to put the past behind us and to start again.
He didn't say so because he wasn't sure how l'd react.
Yeah, well, experience will have taught him that.
l know.
lt's my turn to make the first move.
And l'm willing to.
- What's all that? - Oh, nothing.
Rachel, come on.
What is it? l'm writing a speech.
- What for? - For Adam.
Why? Well, l don't want to say the wrong thing.
- lt's a bit long, isn't it? - No! Those are all the drafts.
But l'm really getting there! Er Place chicken breasts between sheets of clear film, and flatten with a rolling pin to a depth of five millimetres.
OK, here we go.
Do you want to try this? Flatten it.
Go on, bash it.
Five millimetres.
Where's your drawing kit? Keep bashing.
Keep bashing.
That's it.
Er Five millimetres.
Yeah.
Right.
Piece of cake this, Josh! What's next? E Take the tomato sauce prepared earlier They can't bring that up just now! Oh, no.
Oh, no! (Ramona hums) (Doorbell) KAREN: David, can you get that, please? David! Yes, madam.
Yes, madam.
Three bags full, madam.
-Natalie! What are you doing here? - l thought l was invited to dinner.
Oh, l don't think you've met my new husband.
George, this is David.
Natalie! l'm really glad you could make it.
Natalie's a member of that health club l never go to, darling.
Really? Excuse me, please, l've just got to um Kitchen.
What do you think? Oh, Davidl don't know.
All right, l'll make it 30 quid.
OK.
But you, out! OK.
(Curses in Spanish) - Two glasses, sir.
- You're so kind.
Champagne! That's my kind of man.
(Sings) My kind of man Well, you know, l just wanted to .
.
welcome you to your new home.
Well, that's great.
l could get used to this.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, my dear.
So, um How was Amy today? What, you missing her, are you? No.
l justthought she might be a bit upset.
Why? Thanks very much.
Because we've split up.
Well, she didn't mention it.
She didn't mention it? Oh.
So, you're young, free and single, then? Well Free and single.
(Hums) So, Natalie, how's the firm managing without David? Oh, l wouldn't know.
l've moved on as well.
Didn't David tell you? No.
- More, anyone? George, you'll have some? - No.
l joined DZQ.
The new international division.
George, what is it you do? Commodities, is it? A new division? So you're taking people on? Dessert! Right, um Karen, would you give me a hand? - What are you doing? - l'm trying to find you a job.
l don't want l don't think it's appropriate.
This is a dinner party.
Natalie does not want to talk shop.
- She doesn't seem to mind.
- But l do.
- l'm quite capable of finding myself a job.
- You haven't had much luck so far.
Besides, Natalie may only have junior positions.
l wouldn't call being her number two junior.
How do you know about that? You lied to me, David! Natalie offered you a job and you turned it down.
Yes, because l want to spend more time with my son.
What's wrong with that? Besides, l'm quite happy to do housework.
You? Housework? Where do we keep the ironing board? What? The ironing board.
Where do we keep it? ln the bathroom? David, you don't iron, you don't clean, you don't cook.
How much are you giving Ramona for the meal tonight? 30 quid.
- 40 with the washing-up? - Probably.
David, you can work and be a good parent.
lt's just a question of striking a balance.
Darling, if you really don't want to go back to work, that's fine.
l'll support you.
Financially.
And that is all.
- Sorry about that.
- No problem.
So, David .
.
when can you start? Monday.
Perfect.
Ooh! This looks good.
Yes, it's Spanish.
(TV on) All right, love.
Did you want to watch anything? Er No.
l'll be popping up myself in a minute.
You're all right.
Take your time.
l've made the spare bed up.
l'm sorry, Pete.
Good night.
Daddy's not going to be around as much as he has been.
Though more than l was before.
l promise.
Bye baby bunting Daddy's management consulting Rachel! Don't say a word.
Just listen.
We love each other, Adam.
We always have done.
And we always will.
Regardless of what we do to each other.
And God knows Um l've done some terrible God knows, l've done some terrible things to you.
l wish that baby l wish l could have been sure that baby was yours.
Because we'd make a great family.
And we still can.
Adam, let's get back together.
And when you're ready, let's have that baby.
l love you, Rachel.
- Your place or mine? - Mine.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
(Giggling) (Footsteps on stairs) (Door closes) Loo.
(Doorbell) Oh, God! Well, don't go.
l'm sorry, l've got to go.
l'm the same with the phone.
- Oh, Adam, please.
- No, honestly, listen, l'll be back, l'll be back.
Get down.
Get down.
You can't have your bone yet.
Come on, big fella.
Good lad.
Don't say a word.
Just listen.
Adam? Adam? Shit.
(Door slams) SPACE: Female Of The Species Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me? Oh, how can heaven hold a place for me When a girl like you has cast a spell on me?