Cold Feet (1997) s03e05 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 5
(Computer dialling tone) Woo-hooh! Uh! Still engaged.
(Phone rings) Hello.
Hang on.
lt's the bunny batterer.
We wanted to invite you out to dinner on Friday night.
Oh, that'd be nice.
Great.
Listen, can l bring someone? Well, we are going to be inviting Pete.
lf we can get through to him.
l'd rather not come on my own, if that's OK.
Ah, well, er Of course.
He'll be really, really welcome.
lt must be his mother.
Send him an e-mail.
(Beep) At last! A social life! Can l have some rice, Jen? Gentle Oriental instrumental - Ta.
ADAM: Oh, ermore? - Do you want another one, Adam? - No, actually, l won't.
DAVlD: Karen? - Thank you.
Well, it's the future, isn't it? lt's going to change everything.
Cinema, television, telephone calls, sending mail.
- You won't have to go shopping.
- l like to go shopping.
You'll still be able to, but at least you'll have the option.
To spend your life staring at a computer screen like a sad bastard! l am not a sad bastard.
lhave got my own home page.
ADAM: What? - What's on it? - A personal history.
A few photos, a list of my favourite films.
ADAM: Escape To Victory? - ln at No.
2! No.
2? So, er, how many What do you call them? .
.
hits have you had so far? A few teething problems, you know.
Still in its early stages.
None, zip, zilch, nada! - Six, actually.
- Six? Do you know who they are? lt's me.
Yeah.
l've got to check the site, check it hasn't been tampered with.
Maybe it's your design.
Have a word with Robert.
He can give you a few tips.
Look, you don't suffer fools gladly, right? l don't know.
l was married to one for long enough.
You still are.
My point is, maybe that's why you're not a model employee.
You're more intelligent than the people you're working for.
All right, Richard Branson, what's the solution? - Work for yourself.
- Never get the sack again! Maybe we could do something together.
That'd be great! For the price of a local call, you can contact anyone and talk about any topic under the sun.
So, what do you talk about? l talked to this bloke from Stockport for over an hour about how United could regain European dominance.
Hang on.
For the price of a local call that allows you talk to anyone in the world about any subject, you're on to some bloke just down the road about your only topic of conversation? lt's hardly cutting-edge stuff, is it? Well, it beats talking to yourself, doesn't it? Got it! We'll open a restaurant! lnitial outlay pushing a million, a third fail within the first year.
- A sandwich shop? - l'm not washing up.
Escort agency? - Oh, yes.
- Mm! - Hi, if l could have your attention.
- Adam, sit down, please.
- l'm making an announcement.
- l know, but people are looking.
Would you like me to whisper as well? Erm, thanks very much for coming.
There was a reason we asked you.
- l thought you just enjoyed our company.
- No.
Yes.
No.
That's not the reason.
We have an announcement to make.
Ah! Rachel's pregnant! Well, they're trying.
- No, Rachel's not pregnant.
- l am, however erengaged to be married.
To me! - Oh, my God! - Oh, Rachel! (All congratulate) ADAM: Thanks.
(Sighs) lt's great news, isn't it? Yeah, it's fantastic.
Not before time, l have to say.
- She looks so happy.
- l'm really pleased for her.
Yeah, me, too.
They're doing it for all the wrong reasons.
''l'm infertile.
Let's get married!'' Not good.
No.
lf a marriage is going to last, it's got to have strong foundations.
- l know that better than most.
- lt smacks of desperation.
- A touch of clinging to the wreckage about it.
- Mm.
- Do you think we should say something? - You know her better than l do.
Hey, hoo-di-hoo! Tell me honestly.
Are we doing the right thing? - Absolutely.
Yeah.
- Fantastic decision all round.
OK.
(Mouths words) Blimey.
Rachel can't have kids.
Does Adam know? - Of course he knows.
We all do.
- Well, l didn't.
That's the lnternet for you.
Marriage, eh? That's Adam's bachelor days over.
No more going out with the lads.
No more beering it up.
- No more chasing other women.
- Does he chase other women? Come on! He goes out with Rachel.
Would you? - Doesn't drink much, doesn't go out any more.
- They are living together.
- Yeah, but why bother getting married? - What? They're happy, then they can't have kids, next thing, they're hearing wedding bells.
Psst.
Small dick.
Really? (Whispers) Tiny.
Well, that seemed to go off very well, didn't it? Er, yeah.
They all seemed very pleased for us.
Have you finished in there, soon-to-be Mrs Williams? l have, soon-to-be Mr Bradley.
(Computer dialling tone) Manc Guy has entered the chat room.
Hi, Manc Guy, Stu from Stockport.
What if Ronaldo played alongside Yorke? Er, sorry, Stu.
No offence, but l'm all talked out about United.
Cuffman has entered the chat room.
Hi, Manc Guy.
l like your profile.
Argh! Cuffman, you're in the wrong chat room.
Oh, shit! l'm always doing this.
Manc Guy.
Does that mean you're from Manchester, England? - l'm living in Heaton Moor.
- Fantastic! l'm from Heaton Chapel.
So, just to check on your profile, quite a few people who come online tend to bend the truth a little.
No, l really am from Heaton Chapel.
l mean, you sound like just the kind of guy l'm looking for.
26.
Brunette.
Very attractive.
Yeah, right.
She'll be a bloke, some middle-aged pervert living in LA.
No, she's definitely from round here.
OK, some pervert living in Heaton Chapel.
Plenty of them.
No.
Why would she lie to me? Excuse me, who's the big fella who spends all his time down the gym? Oh, cheers, no, it's harmless.
Why would l want to meet her? Why not? lf she is gorgeous, you won't shag her? lt's not like that.
We talk, discuss ideas.
- Talk about life.
- Manchester United! No, but if we were to talk about football, it would be on a higher plane, such as how the infiltration of foreign players has undermined the club ethos as a whole.
Brains as well as looks! Ah, and that's just me! So what is this chat room where you met Helen of Troy? No, her chat name is Girlpower.
- What do you call yourself? - Manc Guy! Girlpower's good.
''What are you wearing?'' What? lt's brilliant.
He met this 26-year-old brunette in this chat room.
At least, that's what she claimed to be.
They hit it off, they talk to each other every other day.
He gave me the address of this chat room and the name the woman goes by.
l just thought l'd borrow her identity.
(Beep) Oh, he's got his lucky boxers on! This is gold! Hang on.
Are you this woman? Tonight, Matthew, l am - How do you spell negligee? - No, l mean, does she exist? Two Es on the end! lf you were a stunningly attractive 26-year-old brunette - a couple of years ago, you were - would you look for love on the lnternet? lt's clearly a wind-up.
l'm just winding him up a wee bit more.
Er, so You know, all this talk, it's making me a bit, well, erm Erm, you know l-l-l think we should meet.
- l think you should stop.
- Oh, come on! l'll let him in on it tomorrow.
Or the day after.
- l want you to stop.
- No! Hey, you could damage the hard disk doing that! (Beep) DAVlD: £25? Yeah, well, that was just to see it.
1 00 quid for the X-ray to establish what's wrong.
lf it's broken, rather than dislocated, it could be as much as 400 quid to get it fixed.
What? lt's a rabbit, not a racehorse.
Can't the vet just put it out of its misery? Give it an injection.
Or hit it over the head? That'd be cheaper.
She won't.
lt's a perfectly healthy animal.
She will not put it down.
(Doorbell) - lt is not perfectly healthy! lt's got a broken leg! Why do you think we took it there in the first place? Ah.
Sorry.
Ahem.
l was expecting Karen.
ls she in? Karen! Someone at the door for you.
A member of the paparazzi.
Oh, my God, hello! David, this is Brodie.
l was telling you about him.
This is my husband David.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Come in, come in.
(Karen giggles) Karen tells me that you knew each other at university.
Ah, yes, that's right.
Wild times! Yes, so l understand.
Hm.
Oh, she's told you, has she? - Some of it.
- Right.
Well, it was a long time ago.
And the years have been kinder to Karen.
Mm.
That's a nice drop.
Chilean, is it? Yes.
Yes, it is.
David, he reads the labels.
Well, l'll leave you to it.
You've got a good memory.
So, off on your travels again? Come to say goodbye? No.
Come to ask you a favour.
Ah! lt's exciting, isn't it? God, l love weddings.
- How are the arrangements going? - lt's off.
Really? l've got to say l'm so relieved.
Karen and l were really worried.
We thought you were doing it for the wrong reasons.
Thank God! No.
The milk's off.
Shit.
Bugger.
l haven't got any more.
lt doesn't matter.
l'll have it black.
Where were we? Bourbon? Ah, Ramona, just putting out some rubbish.
You can take this, too! No, this is for recycling.
That bag.
lt just moved! Hm? You! Karen! Quickly! Come! - What's going on? - Look! The bag! What's in the bag, David? Hector.
l was just taking her out.
For a walk.
ln a plastic bag? Yeah.
With her leg, l thought she might prefer being carried.
- You were going to kill her! - No, l wasn't.
l wouldn't have it in me! l was just going tojust set her free.
lt's the school rabbit.
David resents having to pay 400 quid to mend its broken leg.
l don't blame you.
lt's a pity you're not penniless.
lf you're on income support, the RSPCA do it for free.
Really? Look, l'm not saying you shouldn't be together.
Just that we shouldn't get married.
No! Well, yeah.
Well, just, not now.
Why? Well, why are you getting married? Cos he asked me.
Why did he ask you? l know.
lt's been bothering me, too.
l should talk to him, shouldn't l? To be honest, yeah, l think you should.
Why did you ask me to marry you? Because l love you.
So it had nothing to do with the fact that l can't have children? No.
OK.
Let's try that again without the hesitation.
Face it, Adam.
You offered out of charity and l accepted out of fear.
Are you saying you don't want to marry me? No, l'm not saying l don't want to marry you.
l'm saying l think we should wait.
Call the engagement off? Not necessarily.
We haven't set a date.
We could just let it slide.
You know, have a long engagement.
Why do people do that? Wait two years for the wedding? l don't know.
Maybe it's a a cooling-off period.
You know, like buying a time-share.
So, we're still engaged, but we're not going to get married until the time's right? Yep.
How do we know when the time's right? Bobby? Listen, l've been thinking, right, aboutwhat you said about me starting my own business.
- Me too.
What have you come up with? - No, go on, you first.
Well, l tell you what l'd pay for.
Someone to iron my shirts.
- That's the punch line.
- Eh? - Obviously, that is a joke.
- No, l'm deadly serious.
There are loads of blokes like me, Jen, gorgeous, wealthy, busy.
- Deluded! - All right, brainbox, what's your idea? Marriage-guidance counsellor.
Daa-daah! Yeah? Come on! l sorted Rachel out, didn't l? No.
You told Rachel not to get married! (Passionate panting and gasping) How would you react if l was to tell you l was thinking of having an affair? How did you expect me to react? That's why l can't tell you.
Then why are we having this conversation? But we're not.
ln reality.
But l need someone to talk to.
Can't you talk to Adam or Pete about this? No! No, they're totally unreliable! lt would get back to you in no time.
Darling, l'm just going to pick Josh up.
So you want a few tips on how to seduce women? ls there anyone in particular you had in mind? Jessica.
Sorry.
Go on.
You see, l think she wants to.
And l do.
lt's not going to harm you and me.
lt's just asexual thing.
Anyway, she's asked me to call her.
And l have.
We're meeting for lunch on Wednesday.
You don't need my help at all, David.
Really? No.
lt seems to me all you have to do now is book the hotel room.
Right.
And David? Don't book anywhere sordid.
Put your hand in your pocket for once.
David, l've got Alan's office on.
They want to arrange a lunch.
Excellent.
Whenever suits them.
Clear the diary.
They're suggesting today.
Today? No, l can't today.
l've got something on.
Forgot to tell you.
Sorry.
Can it be moved? No, no.
Look, any other day, all right? Oh, and Hazel, l may be back a bit late this afternoon.
When we were at university, how much of a pose was the camera? Oh, totally.
Ask any good-looking woman if she's ever thought of modelling and you'd be amazed how many wanted to sleep with me.
lronic you actually turned out to be quite good.
Brilliant, actually.
Have you ever thought of modelling? Hey, there's Jenny.
Hey, Jen! Hello! You were miles away.
Are you all right? Yeah, fine.
Hiya.
Hello.
Miles Brodie.
l've heard about you.
Rachel.
Glad to see l'm a topic of conversation.
Well, we live very dull and empty lives up here.
l don't know.
l just lost my job.
Oh, not again? Why? Wasting company resources.
Made a daisy chain out of paperclips.
And they fired you for that? Fair enough, really.
1 ,760.
lt took me the best part of a week.
Listen, why don't you join us? Yeah.
Come on.
All right, then.
Ta.
- Johnson.
- Ah, right, sir.
Yes.
As arranged.
Thank you.
l'll just have someone help you with your bags.
Um, the thing is have you seen the film, The Graduate? Ah.
Then l take it you won't be requiring a newspaper in the morning? - Enjoy your stay.
- Thank you.
However brief.
- David.
- Patrick.
Karen's not here.
She's gone out with one of her friends.
Oh, right.
ln that case, l'm going to go.
Before you do, can you help me with something? Yeah, of course.
lf l can.
l don't know Manchester very well.
l need to know where are the really poor parts.
- Are you looking for somewhere to buy? - No.
No! For the rabbit.
You know she broke his leg.
No! Yeah.
l don't know how.
The vet cost too much, unless you're poor.
And David, he said there are some children at this school who are very poor.
Really? So l have to go through all this list to find a very poor boy to take the rabbit to the vet to have him fixed for nothing.
- That's terrible.
- lt's not a very easy job for me.
Ramona, l can help you.
Have you got a cardboard box? Right.
Well, l fancy a shower.
Yeah.
Good idea.
Right, l'll wait here and erm .
.
check if they've got CNN.
David? l fancy a shower with you.
An exhibition? l'm not sure l'd know where to start.
lt's up and running in London.
lt's just a case of the publicity.
l'll give it a go.
And we have to find a venue.
l thought maybe one of those warehouses in Castlefield.
What about the Lowry? What, the museum? lt's a big building.
Can't be that many matchstick paintings.
lf you think we can get it.
See? She's already earning her keep.
Ooh, do we get paid an' all? A figure of speech.
Yeah, well, you never know how it will pan out.
Right, then, you're on! We'll have to have an opening party, for charity, you know.
Something Third Worldy.
Yeah, great idea.
Right.
Sod it.
Champagne! We have reason to believe that an act of illicit sex is about to be perpetrated in this room.
Don't move! (Romantic groove and saxophone) OK.
l will call you tomorrow once l've spoken to the gallery in London, OK? OK.
Make a good team, don't we? What, you, me and Jenny? Er, well, l was thinking of you and me.
Yeah.
We always have done.
We've always had a certain understanding, yeah.
Do you remember Do you remember Rock Against Racism? Underneath the stage while The Stranglers were playing Peaches! Yes, l remember.
- l notice you've got the CD.
- lt's David's.
Ah.
l wonder if it sounds as good.
Better, probably.
The acoustics were terrible.
Brodie, are you making a pass at me? Erm lf l was, what would you say? You're serious, aren't you? l'd say, don't be so bloody ridiculous.
No would have done.
l'll call you tomorrow.
- That's better.
- Hm? You're more relaxed than you were.
You can tell? Oh, l see.
Take me to bed, David.
l had this fantastic session with Girlpower.
- l was going to talk to you about that.
- But it started getting a bit weird.
She was coming on strong, talking about peanut butter.
- Well, the thing is - No, no, no.
But this morning, she denied the conversation ever took place.
l've decided to play it her way and say the whole thing never happened.
- Really? - Yeah.
l even know her real name.
- What? - Heeve.
Brenda Heeve.
- Heeve? - Yeah, Heeve.
lt's Dutch or something.
You're a dark horse.
ln what way? Well, you seemed almost reluctant at first.
Wanting to watch CNN.
(Giggles) No, l didn't, really.
- Do you think l'd have stayed if you did? - (Chuckles) lt's just that l haven't done this kind of thing before.
l know.
l bet most men feel nervous at first.
And once they've overcome their nerves, what do you think they feel then? Guilt.
She has no intention of meeting you.
- ln the end you'll find out she's a bloke.
- Bollocks! Girlpower, my arse.
She's a bloke.
She hasn't exactly been backward.
She made contact first, she told you her name first.
There was all that sexy stuff.
- Well, that aside.
- No, hang on.
l arranged to meet her.
She said where and when.
- Oh, yeah? Public toilets? Gents? - Er, no.
School.
School.
She's a teacher.
A sexy, 26-year-old teacher.
Who, my 50 quid says, turns out to be a bloke.
Done.
Right, yeah, 500, full colour.
Yeah.
When can l have them by, please? Right.
What's your name? Mark? OK, Mark.
l'll let you know.
Ta.
Thanks.
Hey, Jamie Oliver, l thought you were doing dinner.
First things first.
Let's find a baby-sitter.
l've got 1 01 things to do for this exhibition.
So, do them tomorrow.
l'll have 1 01 things to do then, an' all.
We went out last night.
lt'd be nice to stay in.
Fine.
Tell you what.
You stay in, do your 1 01 things, and l'll go out, all right? Robert? l thought that you'd be pleased about all this.
lt might lead somewhere.
To you working all hours! (Phone rings) - l would be pleased, but evenings are our time.
You better answer that.
See you tomorrow.
- Robert! - Jen, it's fine, really.
Shit.
Hello? (Gasps suddenly) David, what is it? Karen, l've done a dreadful thing! l slept with another woman.
You what? l don't know what got into me! l just lost my mind! (Gasps suddenly) David, what is it? Nothing.
Just a bad dream.
Sorry, darling.
Go back to sleep.
Hiya.
Listen, don't unload till l've checked with the manager, all right, Brodie? l suggest you take the whole lot up before we decide what goes where.
Hi.
She has everything under control.
Yeah, well, control freaks generally do.
She's been bending my ear.
Did l get take the invitations to the printers, have l checked the guest list, did l send the invites out first class? Calling you Brodie.
She's only known you five minutes! Do l detect a note of jealousy? Oh, piss off! Bingo, Brodie! We can go up now.
l'll check the doors are open.
lf you get all this unloaded.
Ja, mein Führer.
£430? lncluding VAT.
The NHS doesn't stretch to rabbits.
lt was my fault, so l had to do something.
What's wrong with a friggin' stew? £430! You sound just like David.
Urgh! Urgh! - We could put all of the lndia pictures together.
- Good idea.
For a travel agent's.
lt was only a suggestion.
What about splitting them up into northern and southern hemispheres? l think we should hang them randomly, each work of art in its own right.
l don't think we should categorise them, l really don't.
What, you don't like my north-south idea, then? Eh? Yeah.
What? Look, we'll do this.
There's loads of jobs for you to do, Karen.
l could murder a coffee.
Ooh, cup of tea! Brodie! Right.
l've got it.
Gobi Desertthere.
The first thing people see when they walk in the door.
Great idea.
Genius.
(Squeal of tyres) l thought the thing about having no kids was that we wouldn't have to do any more big shopping.
We've forgotten milk.
Corner shop.
You've left the door open! BOTH: Hector! (Screech) Oh, dear.
Karen's taking a long time with them drinks.
- Hello? - Hello.
Are you lost? l'm looking for a teacher.
What sort are you after? History, physics? l wouldn't choose physics.
Erm, no, it's Miss Heeve.
Her name's Brenda Heeve.
Miss Heeve! Year 8.
Citizenship.
What? What the hell's that? Never did that at our school.
We did the three Rs.
Reading, writing and 'rithmetic! Not spelling, then? No.
This is Helen, l'm Julie, but you can call me Scary, as in Spice.
Ah.
Erml'm Pete, and you can call me Old, as in Spice.
lt's dead here.
Where is everybody? Playing truant.
Some are in lesson.
Why aren't you? We're on our way! Come on.
We'll show you.
(Bell rings) Well, l think it looks just like Hector.
More so before her accident.
This is where you want.
No, no, no.
l'm meeting her at the staff room.
Well, if you want to wait till lunch, but that's not for another hour.
What's she like this teacher? Miss Heeve? Come on, let's wait inside.
Come on.
lt'll be quieter.
You sit here.
Go on! What's she really like? She's dead nice.
Old.
How old? - Maybe 30.
- Well, that's all right.
- Quite attractive.
- Yeah? - Oh, you must be Pete! - Yeah, yeah.
Hi.
lt's really good of you to come.
Didn't think you would.
Well, l had to think twice, especially when l first got here.
l'm not surprised.
l'm just about to start, so er Why don't you sit there? Er l thought we could go and have a chat somewhere else, you know.
Erl'll come to you in a minute.
OK.
Fine.
By this time, l'd decided she was a nutter.
l can see that she might want to meet somewhere a bit public, but in her lesson? Thank you, Matthew, for that account of the Enigma code-breaking machine used in World War Two.
Next, Julie Clements.
When we were first set this project on deception, l thought it would be interesting to look at how modern technology is permitting new forms of deceit.
l therefore decided to use the lnternet to see, to what degree, it would allow me to mislead another person.
Using the nickname Girlpower, l entered a chat room, posing as an attractive 26-year-old wanting a boyfriend.
Here he is.
Come on.
Come up.
So the object of your affection was a 1 4-year-old girl doing a school project! Oh, it was so humiliating.
Especially Especially when they made me take a bow in front of the class.
(Laughs hysterically) Oh, go on! l don't want to go on my own.
No.
l don't want to be in the same room as either Brodie or Jenny.
You don't have to speak to them.
Plenty of other people.
Anyone who's anyone in Manchester will be there.
Please! No! Move! Ramona's offered to baby-sit.
Well, l'll baby-sit and you can take Ramona.
All right, l'll go on my own, but l won't enjoy it.
You have to admit, it's a bloody good project! She well deserved her A.
lt's amazing.
So, Brenda Heeve never existed? lt's an anagram.
''Everbeenhad?'' (Chuckles) Ever been had! No, l mean it's good you can tell that story against yourself.
The joke isn't necessarily upon me.
- Oh, yeah? - You owe me 50 quid.
How do you mean? She may have been 1 4, but she wasn't a bloke.
And l have got a date out of it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry, l'm a bit late.
Perfect timing.
l know you must be really pissed off, and you've every right to be, cos l've been a right cow.
l was getting dressed for this sodding opening and l thought, ''That's no way to behave.
Karen is your mate and she is not going to go cos of you.
She's gonna stay home.
lf l was any kind of a friend, l would apologise and keep her company.
'' And that's what l'm here to do.
So you're not going to go? No, l'm not.
And l'm really, really sorry, Karen.
And if there's anything l can do to help you forgive me, l'll do it.
Baby-sit.
Any time.
Tonight, please, so l can go to the opening.
Right.
OK.
Hey, make sure you're home by 1 2.
Don't be daft.
Ramona can baby-sit.
Really? Don't tell me you haven't got your dress in the car.
No, l haven't! Oh, well, l have, all right.
But just in case, you know.
On the off chance.
Come in.
(Hum of conversation) Ah, thank you.
Thanks very much.
David.
Jessica.
l didn't expect to see you.
Why not? Anyone who's anyone in Manchester's here.
Well, a few footballers and their scrawny wives.
Yeah.
Look at that one over there.
She looks like a Lowry model.
Apart from the way she's dressed.
(Whines like a cat) l haven't seen Karen anywhere.
No, she's not here.
Everything's fine.
Fine.
She's just not here.
One of the twins is ill.
Oh, l'm sorry.
So Do you fancy lunch again? (Gasps) No! No, l can't.
l'm sorry, l'mdieting.
Work's just gone crazy and we can't take lunch.
l'm sorry.
David, l understand what you're going through.
l really do.
But l'm sure it'll get easier.
Don't worry, David.
The guilt will wear off.
l just don't want it to.
Hi, darling.
Karen! l thought you were still at home.
Yeah, well, a friend persuaded me to come.
Hiya.
Hey! Down to you, all this, you know.
Oh, shut up.
Brodie took the pictures.
Got to give him that.
Yeah, but without you Nice one.
l thought about becoming a photographer once.
Oh, God! l remember when you wanted to become an author! Oh, yeah.
Hm.
How hard could it be? You don't even have to focus any more.
There's a button that does that for you.
And Snappy Snaps will do the rest! Well, yes, actually.
This looks like Mauritius.
Oh, yeah, it is Mauritius.
Oh! Oh, wow! - (Longingly) Oh! - lt's beautiful, eh? This is our beach! Our hut was just off to the right! Oh, yeah, that's where l hammered you at Frisbee.
Only because you made up the rules.
Oh, we were happy then, eh? We're happy now.
Yeah, l know, l know.
But ermreally happy.
Carefree.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to begin the charity auction.
Adam, l'm sick of being miserable.
Me too.
Hello.
Karen, l want to bid, but l don't want Adam to know.
Will you do it? Of course l will.
How high do you want to go? - We're a bit strapped after that rabbit saga - Yeah, l heard about that rabbit saga.
The school were delighted to have Hector back, though confused at the changed sex.
Oh.
Well, there's a story l don't think l want to know.
- The proceeds will go to Save The Children.
- We'll go to 250 quid.
OK.
Shall we start at, say, £300? - Oh, God.
- £300.
£300.
- £350.
- No, Karen, l'm out.
Yeah.
l'm still in.
£350 l'm bid.
£350.
- £400.
- £400, the lady on the left.
£400.
- £450.
- £450.
£450 at the front.
£475.
£475, the gentleman in the suit.
£475.
Going once, going twice - £500.
- £500.
- What on earth are you doing? - Oh, keep your hair on.
- l'm bid £500.
- l'm bidding on Rachel's behalf.
Going once, going twice, soldto the beautiful Stranglers fan.
Perhaps you'd like to come with me and choose your picture.
(Applause) You know l said l was sick of being miserable? l did reply, but you'd buggered off.
- What did you say? - Not interrupting anything, am l? l wanted to give you this.
lt's an engagement present.
- How did you know? - l saw you standing by it.
lf you don't like it, l'm sure Brodie will change it.
- No, it's perfect.
Thanks, Karen.
- Karen, thank you.
l'd better go.
David will be wondering where l am.
Well, that's our first present.
l feel a bit of a fraud for accepting it.
Yeah.
You know, l love you, Rachel Bradley.
l love you, Adam Williams.
- Adam - Yeah? Will you marry me? l'd love to.
(Phone rings) Hello.
Hang on.
lt's the bunny batterer.
We wanted to invite you out to dinner on Friday night.
Oh, that'd be nice.
Great.
Listen, can l bring someone? Well, we are going to be inviting Pete.
lf we can get through to him.
l'd rather not come on my own, if that's OK.
Ah, well, er Of course.
He'll be really, really welcome.
lt must be his mother.
Send him an e-mail.
(Beep) At last! A social life! Can l have some rice, Jen? Gentle Oriental instrumental - Ta.
ADAM: Oh, ermore? - Do you want another one, Adam? - No, actually, l won't.
DAVlD: Karen? - Thank you.
Well, it's the future, isn't it? lt's going to change everything.
Cinema, television, telephone calls, sending mail.
- You won't have to go shopping.
- l like to go shopping.
You'll still be able to, but at least you'll have the option.
To spend your life staring at a computer screen like a sad bastard! l am not a sad bastard.
lhave got my own home page.
ADAM: What? - What's on it? - A personal history.
A few photos, a list of my favourite films.
ADAM: Escape To Victory? - ln at No.
2! No.
2? So, er, how many What do you call them? .
.
hits have you had so far? A few teething problems, you know.
Still in its early stages.
None, zip, zilch, nada! - Six, actually.
- Six? Do you know who they are? lt's me.
Yeah.
l've got to check the site, check it hasn't been tampered with.
Maybe it's your design.
Have a word with Robert.
He can give you a few tips.
Look, you don't suffer fools gladly, right? l don't know.
l was married to one for long enough.
You still are.
My point is, maybe that's why you're not a model employee.
You're more intelligent than the people you're working for.
All right, Richard Branson, what's the solution? - Work for yourself.
- Never get the sack again! Maybe we could do something together.
That'd be great! For the price of a local call, you can contact anyone and talk about any topic under the sun.
So, what do you talk about? l talked to this bloke from Stockport for over an hour about how United could regain European dominance.
Hang on.
For the price of a local call that allows you talk to anyone in the world about any subject, you're on to some bloke just down the road about your only topic of conversation? lt's hardly cutting-edge stuff, is it? Well, it beats talking to yourself, doesn't it? Got it! We'll open a restaurant! lnitial outlay pushing a million, a third fail within the first year.
- A sandwich shop? - l'm not washing up.
Escort agency? - Oh, yes.
- Mm! - Hi, if l could have your attention.
- Adam, sit down, please.
- l'm making an announcement.
- l know, but people are looking.
Would you like me to whisper as well? Erm, thanks very much for coming.
There was a reason we asked you.
- l thought you just enjoyed our company.
- No.
Yes.
No.
That's not the reason.
We have an announcement to make.
Ah! Rachel's pregnant! Well, they're trying.
- No, Rachel's not pregnant.
- l am, however erengaged to be married.
To me! - Oh, my God! - Oh, Rachel! (All congratulate) ADAM: Thanks.
(Sighs) lt's great news, isn't it? Yeah, it's fantastic.
Not before time, l have to say.
- She looks so happy.
- l'm really pleased for her.
Yeah, me, too.
They're doing it for all the wrong reasons.
''l'm infertile.
Let's get married!'' Not good.
No.
lf a marriage is going to last, it's got to have strong foundations.
- l know that better than most.
- lt smacks of desperation.
- A touch of clinging to the wreckage about it.
- Mm.
- Do you think we should say something? - You know her better than l do.
Hey, hoo-di-hoo! Tell me honestly.
Are we doing the right thing? - Absolutely.
Yeah.
- Fantastic decision all round.
OK.
(Mouths words) Blimey.
Rachel can't have kids.
Does Adam know? - Of course he knows.
We all do.
- Well, l didn't.
That's the lnternet for you.
Marriage, eh? That's Adam's bachelor days over.
No more going out with the lads.
No more beering it up.
- No more chasing other women.
- Does he chase other women? Come on! He goes out with Rachel.
Would you? - Doesn't drink much, doesn't go out any more.
- They are living together.
- Yeah, but why bother getting married? - What? They're happy, then they can't have kids, next thing, they're hearing wedding bells.
Psst.
Small dick.
Really? (Whispers) Tiny.
Well, that seemed to go off very well, didn't it? Er, yeah.
They all seemed very pleased for us.
Have you finished in there, soon-to-be Mrs Williams? l have, soon-to-be Mr Bradley.
(Computer dialling tone) Manc Guy has entered the chat room.
Hi, Manc Guy, Stu from Stockport.
What if Ronaldo played alongside Yorke? Er, sorry, Stu.
No offence, but l'm all talked out about United.
Cuffman has entered the chat room.
Hi, Manc Guy.
l like your profile.
Argh! Cuffman, you're in the wrong chat room.
Oh, shit! l'm always doing this.
Manc Guy.
Does that mean you're from Manchester, England? - l'm living in Heaton Moor.
- Fantastic! l'm from Heaton Chapel.
So, just to check on your profile, quite a few people who come online tend to bend the truth a little.
No, l really am from Heaton Chapel.
l mean, you sound like just the kind of guy l'm looking for.
26.
Brunette.
Very attractive.
Yeah, right.
She'll be a bloke, some middle-aged pervert living in LA.
No, she's definitely from round here.
OK, some pervert living in Heaton Chapel.
Plenty of them.
No.
Why would she lie to me? Excuse me, who's the big fella who spends all his time down the gym? Oh, cheers, no, it's harmless.
Why would l want to meet her? Why not? lf she is gorgeous, you won't shag her? lt's not like that.
We talk, discuss ideas.
- Talk about life.
- Manchester United! No, but if we were to talk about football, it would be on a higher plane, such as how the infiltration of foreign players has undermined the club ethos as a whole.
Brains as well as looks! Ah, and that's just me! So what is this chat room where you met Helen of Troy? No, her chat name is Girlpower.
- What do you call yourself? - Manc Guy! Girlpower's good.
''What are you wearing?'' What? lt's brilliant.
He met this 26-year-old brunette in this chat room.
At least, that's what she claimed to be.
They hit it off, they talk to each other every other day.
He gave me the address of this chat room and the name the woman goes by.
l just thought l'd borrow her identity.
(Beep) Oh, he's got his lucky boxers on! This is gold! Hang on.
Are you this woman? Tonight, Matthew, l am - How do you spell negligee? - No, l mean, does she exist? Two Es on the end! lf you were a stunningly attractive 26-year-old brunette - a couple of years ago, you were - would you look for love on the lnternet? lt's clearly a wind-up.
l'm just winding him up a wee bit more.
Er, so You know, all this talk, it's making me a bit, well, erm Erm, you know l-l-l think we should meet.
- l think you should stop.
- Oh, come on! l'll let him in on it tomorrow.
Or the day after.
- l want you to stop.
- No! Hey, you could damage the hard disk doing that! (Beep) DAVlD: £25? Yeah, well, that was just to see it.
1 00 quid for the X-ray to establish what's wrong.
lf it's broken, rather than dislocated, it could be as much as 400 quid to get it fixed.
What? lt's a rabbit, not a racehorse.
Can't the vet just put it out of its misery? Give it an injection.
Or hit it over the head? That'd be cheaper.
She won't.
lt's a perfectly healthy animal.
She will not put it down.
(Doorbell) - lt is not perfectly healthy! lt's got a broken leg! Why do you think we took it there in the first place? Ah.
Sorry.
Ahem.
l was expecting Karen.
ls she in? Karen! Someone at the door for you.
A member of the paparazzi.
Oh, my God, hello! David, this is Brodie.
l was telling you about him.
This is my husband David.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Come in, come in.
(Karen giggles) Karen tells me that you knew each other at university.
Ah, yes, that's right.
Wild times! Yes, so l understand.
Hm.
Oh, she's told you, has she? - Some of it.
- Right.
Well, it was a long time ago.
And the years have been kinder to Karen.
Mm.
That's a nice drop.
Chilean, is it? Yes.
Yes, it is.
David, he reads the labels.
Well, l'll leave you to it.
You've got a good memory.
So, off on your travels again? Come to say goodbye? No.
Come to ask you a favour.
Ah! lt's exciting, isn't it? God, l love weddings.
- How are the arrangements going? - lt's off.
Really? l've got to say l'm so relieved.
Karen and l were really worried.
We thought you were doing it for the wrong reasons.
Thank God! No.
The milk's off.
Shit.
Bugger.
l haven't got any more.
lt doesn't matter.
l'll have it black.
Where were we? Bourbon? Ah, Ramona, just putting out some rubbish.
You can take this, too! No, this is for recycling.
That bag.
lt just moved! Hm? You! Karen! Quickly! Come! - What's going on? - Look! The bag! What's in the bag, David? Hector.
l was just taking her out.
For a walk.
ln a plastic bag? Yeah.
With her leg, l thought she might prefer being carried.
- You were going to kill her! - No, l wasn't.
l wouldn't have it in me! l was just going tojust set her free.
lt's the school rabbit.
David resents having to pay 400 quid to mend its broken leg.
l don't blame you.
lt's a pity you're not penniless.
lf you're on income support, the RSPCA do it for free.
Really? Look, l'm not saying you shouldn't be together.
Just that we shouldn't get married.
No! Well, yeah.
Well, just, not now.
Why? Well, why are you getting married? Cos he asked me.
Why did he ask you? l know.
lt's been bothering me, too.
l should talk to him, shouldn't l? To be honest, yeah, l think you should.
Why did you ask me to marry you? Because l love you.
So it had nothing to do with the fact that l can't have children? No.
OK.
Let's try that again without the hesitation.
Face it, Adam.
You offered out of charity and l accepted out of fear.
Are you saying you don't want to marry me? No, l'm not saying l don't want to marry you.
l'm saying l think we should wait.
Call the engagement off? Not necessarily.
We haven't set a date.
We could just let it slide.
You know, have a long engagement.
Why do people do that? Wait two years for the wedding? l don't know.
Maybe it's a a cooling-off period.
You know, like buying a time-share.
So, we're still engaged, but we're not going to get married until the time's right? Yep.
How do we know when the time's right? Bobby? Listen, l've been thinking, right, aboutwhat you said about me starting my own business.
- Me too.
What have you come up with? - No, go on, you first.
Well, l tell you what l'd pay for.
Someone to iron my shirts.
- That's the punch line.
- Eh? - Obviously, that is a joke.
- No, l'm deadly serious.
There are loads of blokes like me, Jen, gorgeous, wealthy, busy.
- Deluded! - All right, brainbox, what's your idea? Marriage-guidance counsellor.
Daa-daah! Yeah? Come on! l sorted Rachel out, didn't l? No.
You told Rachel not to get married! (Passionate panting and gasping) How would you react if l was to tell you l was thinking of having an affair? How did you expect me to react? That's why l can't tell you.
Then why are we having this conversation? But we're not.
ln reality.
But l need someone to talk to.
Can't you talk to Adam or Pete about this? No! No, they're totally unreliable! lt would get back to you in no time.
Darling, l'm just going to pick Josh up.
So you want a few tips on how to seduce women? ls there anyone in particular you had in mind? Jessica.
Sorry.
Go on.
You see, l think she wants to.
And l do.
lt's not going to harm you and me.
lt's just asexual thing.
Anyway, she's asked me to call her.
And l have.
We're meeting for lunch on Wednesday.
You don't need my help at all, David.
Really? No.
lt seems to me all you have to do now is book the hotel room.
Right.
And David? Don't book anywhere sordid.
Put your hand in your pocket for once.
David, l've got Alan's office on.
They want to arrange a lunch.
Excellent.
Whenever suits them.
Clear the diary.
They're suggesting today.
Today? No, l can't today.
l've got something on.
Forgot to tell you.
Sorry.
Can it be moved? No, no.
Look, any other day, all right? Oh, and Hazel, l may be back a bit late this afternoon.
When we were at university, how much of a pose was the camera? Oh, totally.
Ask any good-looking woman if she's ever thought of modelling and you'd be amazed how many wanted to sleep with me.
lronic you actually turned out to be quite good.
Brilliant, actually.
Have you ever thought of modelling? Hey, there's Jenny.
Hey, Jen! Hello! You were miles away.
Are you all right? Yeah, fine.
Hiya.
Hello.
Miles Brodie.
l've heard about you.
Rachel.
Glad to see l'm a topic of conversation.
Well, we live very dull and empty lives up here.
l don't know.
l just lost my job.
Oh, not again? Why? Wasting company resources.
Made a daisy chain out of paperclips.
And they fired you for that? Fair enough, really.
1 ,760.
lt took me the best part of a week.
Listen, why don't you join us? Yeah.
Come on.
All right, then.
Ta.
- Johnson.
- Ah, right, sir.
Yes.
As arranged.
Thank you.
l'll just have someone help you with your bags.
Um, the thing is have you seen the film, The Graduate? Ah.
Then l take it you won't be requiring a newspaper in the morning? - Enjoy your stay.
- Thank you.
However brief.
- David.
- Patrick.
Karen's not here.
She's gone out with one of her friends.
Oh, right.
ln that case, l'm going to go.
Before you do, can you help me with something? Yeah, of course.
lf l can.
l don't know Manchester very well.
l need to know where are the really poor parts.
- Are you looking for somewhere to buy? - No.
No! For the rabbit.
You know she broke his leg.
No! Yeah.
l don't know how.
The vet cost too much, unless you're poor.
And David, he said there are some children at this school who are very poor.
Really? So l have to go through all this list to find a very poor boy to take the rabbit to the vet to have him fixed for nothing.
- That's terrible.
- lt's not a very easy job for me.
Ramona, l can help you.
Have you got a cardboard box? Right.
Well, l fancy a shower.
Yeah.
Good idea.
Right, l'll wait here and erm .
.
check if they've got CNN.
David? l fancy a shower with you.
An exhibition? l'm not sure l'd know where to start.
lt's up and running in London.
lt's just a case of the publicity.
l'll give it a go.
And we have to find a venue.
l thought maybe one of those warehouses in Castlefield.
What about the Lowry? What, the museum? lt's a big building.
Can't be that many matchstick paintings.
lf you think we can get it.
See? She's already earning her keep.
Ooh, do we get paid an' all? A figure of speech.
Yeah, well, you never know how it will pan out.
Right, then, you're on! We'll have to have an opening party, for charity, you know.
Something Third Worldy.
Yeah, great idea.
Right.
Sod it.
Champagne! We have reason to believe that an act of illicit sex is about to be perpetrated in this room.
Don't move! (Romantic groove and saxophone) OK.
l will call you tomorrow once l've spoken to the gallery in London, OK? OK.
Make a good team, don't we? What, you, me and Jenny? Er, well, l was thinking of you and me.
Yeah.
We always have done.
We've always had a certain understanding, yeah.
Do you remember Do you remember Rock Against Racism? Underneath the stage while The Stranglers were playing Peaches! Yes, l remember.
- l notice you've got the CD.
- lt's David's.
Ah.
l wonder if it sounds as good.
Better, probably.
The acoustics were terrible.
Brodie, are you making a pass at me? Erm lf l was, what would you say? You're serious, aren't you? l'd say, don't be so bloody ridiculous.
No would have done.
l'll call you tomorrow.
- That's better.
- Hm? You're more relaxed than you were.
You can tell? Oh, l see.
Take me to bed, David.
l had this fantastic session with Girlpower.
- l was going to talk to you about that.
- But it started getting a bit weird.
She was coming on strong, talking about peanut butter.
- Well, the thing is - No, no, no.
But this morning, she denied the conversation ever took place.
l've decided to play it her way and say the whole thing never happened.
- Really? - Yeah.
l even know her real name.
- What? - Heeve.
Brenda Heeve.
- Heeve? - Yeah, Heeve.
lt's Dutch or something.
You're a dark horse.
ln what way? Well, you seemed almost reluctant at first.
Wanting to watch CNN.
(Giggles) No, l didn't, really.
- Do you think l'd have stayed if you did? - (Chuckles) lt's just that l haven't done this kind of thing before.
l know.
l bet most men feel nervous at first.
And once they've overcome their nerves, what do you think they feel then? Guilt.
She has no intention of meeting you.
- ln the end you'll find out she's a bloke.
- Bollocks! Girlpower, my arse.
She's a bloke.
She hasn't exactly been backward.
She made contact first, she told you her name first.
There was all that sexy stuff.
- Well, that aside.
- No, hang on.
l arranged to meet her.
She said where and when.
- Oh, yeah? Public toilets? Gents? - Er, no.
School.
School.
She's a teacher.
A sexy, 26-year-old teacher.
Who, my 50 quid says, turns out to be a bloke.
Done.
Right, yeah, 500, full colour.
Yeah.
When can l have them by, please? Right.
What's your name? Mark? OK, Mark.
l'll let you know.
Ta.
Thanks.
Hey, Jamie Oliver, l thought you were doing dinner.
First things first.
Let's find a baby-sitter.
l've got 1 01 things to do for this exhibition.
So, do them tomorrow.
l'll have 1 01 things to do then, an' all.
We went out last night.
lt'd be nice to stay in.
Fine.
Tell you what.
You stay in, do your 1 01 things, and l'll go out, all right? Robert? l thought that you'd be pleased about all this.
lt might lead somewhere.
To you working all hours! (Phone rings) - l would be pleased, but evenings are our time.
You better answer that.
See you tomorrow.
- Robert! - Jen, it's fine, really.
Shit.
Hello? (Gasps suddenly) David, what is it? Karen, l've done a dreadful thing! l slept with another woman.
You what? l don't know what got into me! l just lost my mind! (Gasps suddenly) David, what is it? Nothing.
Just a bad dream.
Sorry, darling.
Go back to sleep.
Hiya.
Listen, don't unload till l've checked with the manager, all right, Brodie? l suggest you take the whole lot up before we decide what goes where.
Hi.
She has everything under control.
Yeah, well, control freaks generally do.
She's been bending my ear.
Did l get take the invitations to the printers, have l checked the guest list, did l send the invites out first class? Calling you Brodie.
She's only known you five minutes! Do l detect a note of jealousy? Oh, piss off! Bingo, Brodie! We can go up now.
l'll check the doors are open.
lf you get all this unloaded.
Ja, mein Führer.
£430? lncluding VAT.
The NHS doesn't stretch to rabbits.
lt was my fault, so l had to do something.
What's wrong with a friggin' stew? £430! You sound just like David.
Urgh! Urgh! - We could put all of the lndia pictures together.
- Good idea.
For a travel agent's.
lt was only a suggestion.
What about splitting them up into northern and southern hemispheres? l think we should hang them randomly, each work of art in its own right.
l don't think we should categorise them, l really don't.
What, you don't like my north-south idea, then? Eh? Yeah.
What? Look, we'll do this.
There's loads of jobs for you to do, Karen.
l could murder a coffee.
Ooh, cup of tea! Brodie! Right.
l've got it.
Gobi Desertthere.
The first thing people see when they walk in the door.
Great idea.
Genius.
(Squeal of tyres) l thought the thing about having no kids was that we wouldn't have to do any more big shopping.
We've forgotten milk.
Corner shop.
You've left the door open! BOTH: Hector! (Screech) Oh, dear.
Karen's taking a long time with them drinks.
- Hello? - Hello.
Are you lost? l'm looking for a teacher.
What sort are you after? History, physics? l wouldn't choose physics.
Erm, no, it's Miss Heeve.
Her name's Brenda Heeve.
Miss Heeve! Year 8.
Citizenship.
What? What the hell's that? Never did that at our school.
We did the three Rs.
Reading, writing and 'rithmetic! Not spelling, then? No.
This is Helen, l'm Julie, but you can call me Scary, as in Spice.
Ah.
Erml'm Pete, and you can call me Old, as in Spice.
lt's dead here.
Where is everybody? Playing truant.
Some are in lesson.
Why aren't you? We're on our way! Come on.
We'll show you.
(Bell rings) Well, l think it looks just like Hector.
More so before her accident.
This is where you want.
No, no, no.
l'm meeting her at the staff room.
Well, if you want to wait till lunch, but that's not for another hour.
What's she like this teacher? Miss Heeve? Come on, let's wait inside.
Come on.
lt'll be quieter.
You sit here.
Go on! What's she really like? She's dead nice.
Old.
How old? - Maybe 30.
- Well, that's all right.
- Quite attractive.
- Yeah? - Oh, you must be Pete! - Yeah, yeah.
Hi.
lt's really good of you to come.
Didn't think you would.
Well, l had to think twice, especially when l first got here.
l'm not surprised.
l'm just about to start, so er Why don't you sit there? Er l thought we could go and have a chat somewhere else, you know.
Erl'll come to you in a minute.
OK.
Fine.
By this time, l'd decided she was a nutter.
l can see that she might want to meet somewhere a bit public, but in her lesson? Thank you, Matthew, for that account of the Enigma code-breaking machine used in World War Two.
Next, Julie Clements.
When we were first set this project on deception, l thought it would be interesting to look at how modern technology is permitting new forms of deceit.
l therefore decided to use the lnternet to see, to what degree, it would allow me to mislead another person.
Using the nickname Girlpower, l entered a chat room, posing as an attractive 26-year-old wanting a boyfriend.
Here he is.
Come on.
Come up.
So the object of your affection was a 1 4-year-old girl doing a school project! Oh, it was so humiliating.
Especially Especially when they made me take a bow in front of the class.
(Laughs hysterically) Oh, go on! l don't want to go on my own.
No.
l don't want to be in the same room as either Brodie or Jenny.
You don't have to speak to them.
Plenty of other people.
Anyone who's anyone in Manchester will be there.
Please! No! Move! Ramona's offered to baby-sit.
Well, l'll baby-sit and you can take Ramona.
All right, l'll go on my own, but l won't enjoy it.
You have to admit, it's a bloody good project! She well deserved her A.
lt's amazing.
So, Brenda Heeve never existed? lt's an anagram.
''Everbeenhad?'' (Chuckles) Ever been had! No, l mean it's good you can tell that story against yourself.
The joke isn't necessarily upon me.
- Oh, yeah? - You owe me 50 quid.
How do you mean? She may have been 1 4, but she wasn't a bloke.
And l have got a date out of it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry, l'm a bit late.
Perfect timing.
l know you must be really pissed off, and you've every right to be, cos l've been a right cow.
l was getting dressed for this sodding opening and l thought, ''That's no way to behave.
Karen is your mate and she is not going to go cos of you.
She's gonna stay home.
lf l was any kind of a friend, l would apologise and keep her company.
'' And that's what l'm here to do.
So you're not going to go? No, l'm not.
And l'm really, really sorry, Karen.
And if there's anything l can do to help you forgive me, l'll do it.
Baby-sit.
Any time.
Tonight, please, so l can go to the opening.
Right.
OK.
Hey, make sure you're home by 1 2.
Don't be daft.
Ramona can baby-sit.
Really? Don't tell me you haven't got your dress in the car.
No, l haven't! Oh, well, l have, all right.
But just in case, you know.
On the off chance.
Come in.
(Hum of conversation) Ah, thank you.
Thanks very much.
David.
Jessica.
l didn't expect to see you.
Why not? Anyone who's anyone in Manchester's here.
Well, a few footballers and their scrawny wives.
Yeah.
Look at that one over there.
She looks like a Lowry model.
Apart from the way she's dressed.
(Whines like a cat) l haven't seen Karen anywhere.
No, she's not here.
Everything's fine.
Fine.
She's just not here.
One of the twins is ill.
Oh, l'm sorry.
So Do you fancy lunch again? (Gasps) No! No, l can't.
l'm sorry, l'mdieting.
Work's just gone crazy and we can't take lunch.
l'm sorry.
David, l understand what you're going through.
l really do.
But l'm sure it'll get easier.
Don't worry, David.
The guilt will wear off.
l just don't want it to.
Hi, darling.
Karen! l thought you were still at home.
Yeah, well, a friend persuaded me to come.
Hiya.
Hey! Down to you, all this, you know.
Oh, shut up.
Brodie took the pictures.
Got to give him that.
Yeah, but without you Nice one.
l thought about becoming a photographer once.
Oh, God! l remember when you wanted to become an author! Oh, yeah.
Hm.
How hard could it be? You don't even have to focus any more.
There's a button that does that for you.
And Snappy Snaps will do the rest! Well, yes, actually.
This looks like Mauritius.
Oh, yeah, it is Mauritius.
Oh! Oh, wow! - (Longingly) Oh! - lt's beautiful, eh? This is our beach! Our hut was just off to the right! Oh, yeah, that's where l hammered you at Frisbee.
Only because you made up the rules.
Oh, we were happy then, eh? We're happy now.
Yeah, l know, l know.
But ermreally happy.
Carefree.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to begin the charity auction.
Adam, l'm sick of being miserable.
Me too.
Hello.
Karen, l want to bid, but l don't want Adam to know.
Will you do it? Of course l will.
How high do you want to go? - We're a bit strapped after that rabbit saga - Yeah, l heard about that rabbit saga.
The school were delighted to have Hector back, though confused at the changed sex.
Oh.
Well, there's a story l don't think l want to know.
- The proceeds will go to Save The Children.
- We'll go to 250 quid.
OK.
Shall we start at, say, £300? - Oh, God.
- £300.
£300.
- £350.
- No, Karen, l'm out.
Yeah.
l'm still in.
£350 l'm bid.
£350.
- £400.
- £400, the lady on the left.
£400.
- £450.
- £450.
£450 at the front.
£475.
£475, the gentleman in the suit.
£475.
Going once, going twice - £500.
- £500.
- What on earth are you doing? - Oh, keep your hair on.
- l'm bid £500.
- l'm bidding on Rachel's behalf.
Going once, going twice, soldto the beautiful Stranglers fan.
Perhaps you'd like to come with me and choose your picture.
(Applause) You know l said l was sick of being miserable? l did reply, but you'd buggered off.
- What did you say? - Not interrupting anything, am l? l wanted to give you this.
lt's an engagement present.
- How did you know? - l saw you standing by it.
lf you don't like it, l'm sure Brodie will change it.
- No, it's perfect.
Thanks, Karen.
- Karen, thank you.
l'd better go.
David will be wondering where l am.
Well, that's our first present.
l feel a bit of a fraud for accepting it.
Yeah.
You know, l love you, Rachel Bradley.
l love you, Adam Williams.
- Adam - Yeah? Will you marry me? l'd love to.