Cold Feet (1997) s03e08 Episode Script

Chasing down a rainbow Don't know where it's leading to Adam and Rachel, here follows a wedding video diary of your special day.
Watch and enj Turned out was shooting the moon Righty-o.
Ready when you are.
Oooh, hang on a minute.
Olivia's just been sick.
Somewhere there's a star Andaction! Put the gun down, will you? Josh, you're being really tiresome.
Put the gun down.
PETE: Put the gun down! (Baby screams) Couple of minutes, Pete.
Couple of minutes.
And sweeter than many things Ready? Go.
Adam and Rachel, this will give you some idea of what family life will be like.
Except, of course, they can't have children.
Er, sorry, can we rewind? Aargh! .
.
happy ending come true l don't know about this, Pete.
Come on, everybody's doing it.
Right.
Recording.
Go.
l got the number for the divorce lawyer.
Oh, no! Look, a message for the newlyweds.
Yes? All right.
PETE: And go.
Really good luck.
Somewhere there's a star Will that do? PETE: Oh, forget it! l can never sleep when l'm excited.
- You should do what l do.
- Didn't work.
l've never been married before.
There is one nagging concern.
- Oh, yeah? What's that? - Are you recording this? l'm doing the whole day.
- Forget it! - Hang on.
l'll be discreet.
- Which is spelt - Two Es and a T.
Dating a teacher's doing you good.
OK, my one nagging concern is this.
Your wedding day is meant to be the happiest day of your life - or one of them.
What if it's not? What if you're at the altar and you think, ''l could be happier than this''? Won't happen.
You're not getting married in a church.
Why shouldn't it be happy? How did you feel on your wedding day? Hung over.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Apart from that, you know, happy.
Ecstatically happy.
Hey, no tears.
lf you start blubbing, l'm gonna have to.
l'm sorry.
l just don't want it to be a let-down.
Are you having that sausage? You'll have a lovely time.
Rach, the caterers are here.
That's the good news.
Jenny's still not here.
Oi! lsn't it a bit early to be doing that? Yes! Oh, Karen, come here.
Come and tell me something to take my mind off things.
Do you think it's at all possible that David might be having an affair? David's about as likely to have an affair as the Pope.
Women do find him attractive, you know.
David, l mean.
David? No! No.
He's absolutely devoted to you and the children.
No, David isa husband and a father.
- He's not a - Man? .
.
adulterer.
Why, do you think he might be? Oh, l don't know.
l'm probably being ridiculous.
Yeah, you are.
Thanks, though.
For a moment there you did actually take my mind off it.
Good.
Adam, love, what are you doing? Oh, come on! That's Mummy's lipsticks.
(Doorbell rings) You look like a clown.
Come on.
Listen, go and get some toys to take to your nan's.
Not your Darth Maul mask.
lt scares her.
(Doorbell rings) - All right, l'm coming! l'm coming.
l'm coming.
Oh, it's you.
Just picking up some stuff.
Hiya, tiger.
Go on.
Go and get your toys.
(Rattling) l'm bringing these back.
Great.
Saves me changing the locks.
- Weren't you coming when we were out? - You're supposed to be out.
Help yourself.
Don't steal anything.
Oh! God, doesn't time drag? - What? Waiting for your wedding? - lt's like waiting to take a driving test.
l failed mine first time.
Driving test.
- Think you'll ever do it again? - What? My driving test? No.
Well, we're not divorced yet.
l can't see it happening again.
What about Emma? Emma? Wow, this looks delicious! lt's thrown together.
l had detention after school.
Oh, aye? What have you been up to? No, l was taking it.
Ohl see.
Emma's just been made head of careers.
ADAM: Maybe she can get you one! She's a lovely girl.
- Who's got the garlic bread? - Who do you think? - Oh, fatty fathead! - Oh! Cheeky monkey! - Look, anchovies! l don't want anchovies.
Ugh! JENNY: Oh, l'll have them.
Oh, no! No, no, l'm not kissing you.
Especially not with tongues.
- She's a lovely girl.
- Jenny? Emma.
Yeah, Emma.
That reminds me.
l must give her a call.
Aw, that's sweet.
Right, first drink of the day.
Amaretto or Schnapps? Schnapps! Right, well, that's everything.
Bob.
com logging off.
Going somewhere? Yeah, for the 79th time, Adam and Rachel's wedding.
l told you.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that.
What are you sorry about? Rachel.
She deserves better.
Than Adam? How the hell would you know? The fact that they made me unwelcome had nothing to do with why we didn't work out? No, no.
l think that's just a convenient excuse.
- You won't have a word said against them.
- What's to say? My friends are reliable.
Look it up in a dictionary.
First sign of trouble, you won't see them sneaking out! - You know nothing about your friends! - l know l know they're worth more than you are, Mr Millionaire.
- Yeah, right.
- They're not hypocrites.
Who needs a dictionary now? Shut up.
- You don't know what it means.
- Whatever! Oh, yeah? Ask David, Mr Family Man, cheating on his wife! What are you talking about? We would never have fitted our wedding in here.
Yeah, 300 of our closest friends.
Most of whom we haven't seen since.
- Can l have a box from the kitchen? - l'll go.
We appreciate this so much.
We're just so happy you two are finally getting it together.
You recommend marriage, then? Absolutely.
David, thank you! - You'll never guess what Karen told me earlier.
- What? Rachel, your father's here.
He says he wants a word.
OK.
l didn't expect to see you until the registry office.
We wouldn't have a chance to talk.
Why don't you go upstairs? lt's private there.
No, here's fine.
Your mum sends her love.
She can't wait to see you.
l can't wait to see her.
We're disappointed it's not in church, but that's your decision.
ls that what you came here to say? We've had our differences, but all said and done, you're still my daughter.
The eldest and the first to get married.
l'd like to give you away.
l wanted Mum to be here today.
That's why you're invited.
And that's the only reason.
David? You've agreed to give me away, haven't you? l'm sorry? How long now? 45 minutes.
Mm-hm.
Pfff! What?! W-What? Why didn't you say? We're not dressed.
The car will be here.
Till Grandstand.
Yeah, and we've got enough time for all of Football Focus and half a horse race.
Can l ask you something? - Mm-hm.
- ln your capacity as best man.
lf it's about the speech, don't worry.
No, say what you want.
lt's about masturbation.
When you were with Jenny, you still used to wank, yeah? Of course l did.
Don't you? Yeah, well, all men do.
And anyway, l'm Presbyterian.
Did Jenny? What? Go walkabout in the bush down under? Well, l'm sure she did before we met.
But after that um You're worried about Rachel, aren't you? You're worried you're not pushing the right buttons.
Don't be ridiculous.
No.
lt's just the other day (Heavy breathing) Oh! Oh Ahhh! Ah.
Ohhh l don't mind.
lt just seems odd, doesn't it? When l'm in the house, just before we get married.
- You didn't confront her about it, did you? - What? Ask her? Er ha, ha! lt's a difficult one, this.
Yeah.
l feel the need to know.
l can always ask Jenny, if you like.
What, if Rachel goes walkabout in the bush down under? Huh! Well, OK.
But remember how to spell ''discreet''.
- Rachel's put me in a very difficult position.
- Well, what did you say? - What could l say? Yes.
- What, in front of her father? Clearly she wanted me to.
- What went on between them anyway? - Oh, David, he's not a very nice man.
He's a bigot and a drinker.
- Oh, yeah? - No, not like my mother.
Quite seriously.
He used to hit Rachel's mum.
God, to think l shook his hand.
So l wouldn't feel too badly about taking his place, darling.
- Jenny.
- Hi, Karen.
- Hi, Jenny.
- David.
Hello! Come on! The car'll be here in five minutes.
- What? - lt's not fancy dress, you know.
- What? - Lounge suits.
lt said so on the invite.
- Where? - Small print at the bottom.
l never read the small print.
Oh, bloody hell.
l haven't brought a suit.
Oh, half the men will be dressed like that.
lt might come in handy if we want to put something on top of the cake.
(Stomach rumbles) Oh What? Excuse me.
Oooh! l am not at all sure about this dress.
Maybe l should change.
Rach, do you think l should change? lf it'd make you feel better.
- Do you hate it? - No, l don't.
Oh! l'm going to change.
She's more on edge than l am.
She may have good reason to be.
Listen.
(Whispers) David's having an affair.
- We've already been through that one.
- Oh, my God, does she know? - You're joking.
- No.
Robert saw them.
David was in a restaurant with that Jessica woman.
All lovey-dovey and that.
- (Whispers) Jessica? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
She thought he was up to something.
l just told her she was being ridiculous.
Shit! The car's here.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Nervous.
Come on, mate.
lt's just nerves.
lt's not nerves.
lt's those bloody sausages.
- l had them as well.
- Yeah, well, you only had one.
Besides, the abuse your body has taken over the years - So, is the car here yet? - No.
- Well, have you rung it? - l don't know what firm it is.
Jenny organised it.
Jenny organised the girls' car.
You were supposed to do ours.
Are you sure? Right, l'll do the taxis.
Oh, hey! l don't want a beaten-up old car.
l want to arrive in style.
You know - limo, Cadillac? Taxi's fine by me.
OK, l'll do the girls' transport.
Best man can do the boys'.
All right, Pete? - Do these things have a sell-by date? - l don't know.
Check the small print.
Arrgh! - Arrgh! - Start phoning cab firms.
- Right.
Do you still want a limo? - l just want a lift! - Where are you going? - The loo.
Oh, sorry.
l don't know much about flowers, but these are stupendous.
David! l want a word with you.
Rach, we've got to go.
- Are you still here? Come on! - Don't worry.
l'll be there ahead of you.
(Phone rings) - Marsden.
l've tried the local cab firms and they can't do anything in under half an hour.
- Well, haven't you got a car? - No, and Rachel's took theirs.
Well, no, l'm sorry.
The Merc's at the mechanic's.
Well, German engineering for you.
Yeah.
How are you going to get there? Look, umyou swing by here and l'll keep trying the local firms.
OK.
ls everything all right? Well, the weather's holding.
Adam's not here yet.
Or the best man.
Or my husband.
Well, if you'd like me to give you away Dad, without a groom there's very little point, is there? - They'll just be stuck in traffic.
- Unless he's having second thoughts! Either way, Rach, you should stay out of sight.
- He shouldn't see you before the ceremony.
- Mum, hold these.
Jen, come with me.
- Do you think we should tell Karen? - Oh, God! l don't think l could.
Jenny, she told you.
Yes, she did.
Ho-ly shite! Ho-ly shite! (Door slams) - (Whispers) Oh, God! OK, David's here.
(Sighs with relief) Woooh! Good luck, man.
Time to get married.
Yeah.
Still no sign.
Jenny and l are having a private word.
Oh, my God.
lt's about my dress, isn't it? - You what? - ls it because it's see-through? No, it is not about your dress! Now, go on! - Oh, God! - Hey, do you girls fancy a brew? lt's certainly stylish.
What kept you? Best man tried to poison me, then he took me hostage.
- Where is he? - On his way, hopefully.
KAREN: Rachel, you're on! Hi, guys.
Hey, John, look.
Present for you.
Thank you.
Hello, everyone.
Oh! Can you take that, please? All right, guys? Hi, how are you? Right, here we are, then.
Wait, wait.
l want you two to go in ahead of us.
We're supposed to follow you.
lt's tradition, isn't it? So's So's burning witches.
- So sod tradition and get up there.
- Come on! l'll just take this lot off.
You're lucky we were able to wait.
There's no-one after you.
We had a cancellation.
Ah, just like a driving test.
Why did they cancel? Oh, the divorce hadn't come through yet.
One of them was still married.
Not as strange as you think, mate.
- Do you want to wait for your best man? - Oh, yes Oh, no.
Let's go.
Rachel, you look wonderful.
- Here, don't forget your bouquet.
- David, l Jazz - That's our cue.
Are you ready? David, l've got to know.
Are you having an affair? - Who told you that? - God, David.
Why didn't you just say no? No? Can you just give us a minute? David! Listen, ll just made a dreadful mistake.
l don't know what was happening to me.
l had a sort of brainstorm.
This beautiful woman flattered me and l allowed it to turn my head.
You and Karen are the only advert for a good marriage that l know! lt's terrific to find out on my wedding day that it's a complete sham! lt's not a sham! l adore Karen and the children.
l wouldn't do anything to hurt them.
Look, it only happened once.
When l came to my senses, l put an end to it.
l promise you.
What's happening? - l'll go and check.
- No, it's fine.
lt's her dress.
- The zip's gone, ll think.
- At least it's not see-through.
Where's the toilet? Through that door, second on the left.
Great! Now what? We did only have the one cancellation, you know.
Yeah.
Er OK, should somebody do something, or Like what? l don't know.
Sing a song? Or a slow hand-clap.
Jazz Hi.
Right.
Unless there's anything else? Oh! Sorry.
Sorry.
Did l miss anything? Oh, sorry about that.
- This side? - Yeah.
Andyes.
(Chuckles nervously) (Wedding bells) (Camera shutters click) Hooray! (Cheering and applause) - Thanks.
- Thank you for coming.
- And thank you.
- What for? For being here.
Being you.
l had this fear this morning that when we were standing up there, l'd be distracted.
l wanted everything to be so perfect.
And? And then there was you.
l saw you on David's arm and the worldstopped.
lt was just you and me.
Was that how you felt? What was all that about with you and David? Nothing.
l'll tell you later.
- Pete! We didn't think you would make it.
- Oh, neither did l.
There wasn't a cab to be found.
l finally flagged down a car full of nuns.
You got a lift? l figured you ran.
- l did.
They dropped me at those lights there.
- What, those lights? Yeah.
You should think about getting fit.
And smile! What did he say? Not now! Oh, dodging the issue.
That's typical! No, he told me everything.
We'll talk later.
Take my hand (Camera shutter clicks) (All laugh) Smile.
Keep that off.
Off or on? Make your mind up! Move in closer together.
A kiss? - Hi.
Thanks for coming.
- You look wonderful.
Thank you.
Congratulations, darling.
l'm so happy for you.
Thanks, Mum.
OK, everyone.
The reception is at our house.
The address is on the back of the invitation.
So if you'd make your way over there.
l believe in you PETE: Hey, hey, hey! Can anyone give me a lift? Hello.
- Karen, this is fantastic, my darling.
Thank you.
- Good.
Good.
lt's gorgeous.
Put your presents there, on the table.
Thanks very much.
There's fruit juice if you're pacing yourselves, and a buffet will be served in the marquee.
Adam, how's things? We deserve love in our hearts Bye.
Hey, you, Mrs! What is going on with you and David? - Adam, l can't tell you.
- You said you would.
l know.
But l can't.
That's great.
We're already keeping secrets from each other? All right.
Upstairs.
Jessica? Well, you have to hand it to him.
- Adam! - What? Er, oh, yeah.
And Karen doesn't know? Holy shite! (Knock at door) - Sorry, there's somebody in here.
lt's Jen.
Let us in.
Unless you're having sex.
Well? What did he say? There we go.
Come on.
You say good night.
l have to get you in the bath.
l think we have to say good night.
- Come on, Joshie.
Time for bed.
- OK, you go with Daddy.
Where are Adam and Rachel? - Probably gone to consummate the marriage.
- With Jenny? Night, darling.
l just want to get back to my wedding.
- Are we going to tell her? - Do we have to discuss this now? lf it's over, Karen does not need to know.
Karen does not need to know what? Lock the door.
- Turn that bloody camera off.
- l can't.
lt's cinéma vérité! Off! So What gives? - David's having an affair.
- Yeah, with Jessica.
lt's been going on for ages.
- You know? - Of course.
l rumbled him in lreland.
- And you didn't say anything? - lf anything, l'm discreet! - Honour among adulterers.
Lovely! - So now everyone knows.
Except Karen.
And that is how it should stay.
- No.
- Yes! l just want to get back to my wedding.
l'm sorry.
We've got to say something.
(Laughs) Tell that one to Tim.
- Hi, darling.
- Now Pete's disappeared, as well.
What? He's probably running his best man's speech past them.
Yeah.
l hope you're right.
JENNY: We're her friends.
We have to interfere.
- This is really none of our business.
- David has made it our business.
- Uh-uh.
Your boyfriend has.
- He's my ex, thank you! - l'm single, too, you know.
- Since when? Can we discuss this another time? Karen has got the right to know.
- lt wasn't an affair.
They only did it once.
- l suppose a blow job doesn't count, either.
You are marrying him! Whatever the wrongs and rights, it's over.
Just let it lie.
Am l the only one with any sense? Shh! Somebody's coming.
RACHEL: Won't be a minute.
Rachel, is that you? - Yes, Mum.
- Rachel, l need to come in.
Now.
We won't be a minute - l won't be a minute.
(Toilet flushes) Well, it's all yours, Mum.
There you are.
ls anything wrong? - No, everything's just hunky-dory.
- lnteresting.
l think we're about ready for the cake.
(Whispers) Rachel.
What's going on? David, it's my wedding day.
lf you don't mind, l'd like to enjoy it for just one moment! - Where's the loo, David? - lt's just upstairs.
l've spent weeks trying to think of the right thing to say about her.
Had l been a great mathematician, or physicist, say, l might have found the exact formula that explains the wonder of Rachel.
But l was rubbish at those subjects.
Or if l'd been a star at languages, maybe l could have come up with the words of passion that illustrate just what she does to me.
But, ''¿Qué hay en la bolsa?'' ''What is in the shopping bag?'' doesn't quite hit the mark.
English was my forte.
Even then, nothing l come up with comes close to describing how l feel about the girl that took my breath away the minute l met her.
With Rachel, l can't even get the words in the right order.
So, in closing, l'd just like to thank you all for being here to share this happy day with us.
And to my wife ALL: Aw! (Applause) .
.
l would say, Williams Rachel, you l love.
(Applause) Aw! OK, OK, OK.
The cake! (Cheering) Are you nervous about your speech? No! Well, no more than at our wedding.
Oh, my God! Just start with a good joke or something.
You'll be fine.
Yeah, yeah, great.
Good idea.
- Do you know any? - Oh, shut up.
- Rachel, please, l need to talk to you.
- (Whispers) David! OK.
ln the hallway.
Sorry l've been slow sending them divorce papers back.
l know you want to get on with it.
- Let's not talk about divorce today, eh? Yeah? - Yeah.
Everyone knows, don't they? (Whispers) Everyone except Karen.
Oh, God.
l've destroyed my marriage.
Oh, for God's sake, David.
l'm sorry about you and whatshername.
Um Emma.
l thought it was going really well.
Well, it was.
But l had to finish it this morning.
lt wasn't working.
She was way out of my league.
Thanks very much.
Oh, l didn't mean You're not such a bad catch, Pete.
OK, everybody, while they're cutting the cake, l'd like to call upon the best man.
Hold on.
Where's Rachel? l don't think anyone's going to say anything, although l can't be sure about Jenny.
lt doesn't matter.
You all knowand l know that you know.
Rach, come on.
Pete's about to do his speech.
Are you all right? Karen? What? l want you to sit down.
Excuse me.
Folks, can l have your attention, please? Most grooms thank their best man for getting him to the church on time.
- Thanks to mine, l nearly didn't get there at all.
- Come here.
So rest assured that whatever he says about me is nothing compared to what l was saying about him earlier.
He is an eejit.
But he's my eejit.
Ladies and gentlemen, my best man, the one, the only Pete Gifford! (Cheering) - (Clears throat) KAREN: Shit! Listen to that! Heckled before l've even started! l will not allow this to interfere with Adam and Rachel's day.
- You don't want to discuss it now? - Upstairs! (Laughter) Now, Adam thinks he knows all there is to know about Rachel.
And there's a great deal to know.
l wasn't going to mention it, but earlier, Adam said to me that l can say anything l like.
l'm delighted.
- (Whispers) You said what? - He promised to be discreet.
Now, for example, Adam was worried he might not be man enough for Rachel.
Oh, my God, not the missing bollock! And l'm not referring to just the one testicle he has remaining, but his apparent inability to satisfy her sexually, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, yes.
You see, the other week, Adam caught Rachel upstairs How shall l put this? Umon the bed, amusing herself.
(Giggling) l think you know what l mean.
Ooh, yeah.
Well, Adam, you'll be relieved to know, mate, that the reason Rachel was writhing on the bed with her hands fiddling in her crotch was her jeans were too tight and she couldn't get the zip up.
So that's what it was all about.
But my sources do tell me that she's still not afraid to play with the one she loves now and again.
Regularly.
Wa-hey! What on earth is he on about? (Whispers) David should have been my best man.
How could you .
.
treat me with so little respect? - Karen - Has the last eight years meant nothing to you? Of course they You're prepared to throw it all away on some sordid little affair! Oh, my God.
She was in this house! Karen, lt wasn't hereand it was just the once.
l don't care! l don't care about the details.
lt happened! You let it happen! That's all l need to know.
Jesus! lt is so unoriginal.
Just like every other pathetic, middle-aged man who regards his wife with contempt! - l do not regard you with contempt! - Well, ldoyou! So, yes.
Adam Williams finally gets married.
There's a first time for everything.
But second time for Rachel.
l bet you didn't know that.
Oh, shit! Not that it lasted long.
Well, it did, actually.
But not until the divorce.
That was when Adam found out, when they moved in together.
Then husband No.
1 moved in, as well.
There was three of them together.
Oh, shit.
- lt was like a French film.
- (Giggles) Still, you have to laugh, don't you? Apparently not.
RAMONA: No, Joshie.
Joshie! Mummy, we're playing hide and seek.
Why's Daddy sad? He's not sad.
He's just hurt himself, but he's fine now.
We go back to your room and l count to ten again, yes? Sorry, l'll leave you on your own.
lt's hard to meet someone you want to spend your life with.
When you do, make sure you don't blow it.
Because after that, no-one else comes close.
And who wants second best, eh? Adam and Rachel have got a better chance than most.
They're clearly meant for each other.
Besides, they can learn from their friends' mistakes.
And now, l'd like to ask you all to raise a glass to the happy couple, Adam and Rachel.
ALL: Adam and Rachel.
- So - (Cheering and applause) .
.
l'd best pack a bag.
Slip out before anyone notices and move into a hotel.
No, you won't.
l won't allow that woman to destroy my family.
l despise you for being so weak.
But l don't want my children to suffer.
You will sleep in the spare room.
So, are you prepared to give me another chance? We'll do what lots of people do, David.
Smile in public.
Pretend we have a happy marriage.
But we still can (Door shuts) - .
.
darling.
Oooah.
Thank God for that.
Great speech.
Thanks.
Hey, l just about got away with it, though.
When you started on masturbation We thought artificial insemination wasn't too far behind.
l knew there was something l forgot.
Rachel.
Can we have a word? Yep.
Daddy.
Hi.
How are you? Hi.
How's everybody's glasses? He's told her.
Don't say anything, Jenny.
There's plenty of salmon.
Help yourself.
Can l top you up? And then you were divorced? l'm not now.
Yes.
Thank you.
Later.
But you know we don't approve of divorce.
Yeah, l do.
l just don't know why.
Well, because marriage is for life.
For better or worse? What kind of impression do people have of you? What? What century are you living in? We don't do things for appearances any more.
Nobody cares that l married a black man.
Black? Yes, black.
You had a black son-in-law, Mother.
ls that a problem for you? What about the cultural differences? He was from Stoke.
Have you got something against people from Stoke? There's no need to speak to your mother like that.
There is absolutely every reason! lt's about time we had some bloody honesty.
l was married.
l was pregnant.
Didn't know who the father was.
l had an abortion.
Adam and l can't have kids.
Your younger daughter is a lesbian.
That's why she moved to Australia.
Because she can't live the life she wants to lead in this country.
Hm! Right, l think that's about everything.
Now it's your turn.
ls Dad still hitting you, Mum? Your mum and l have been married for 32 years.
When you've been together as long, then maybe you can lecture us.
You know nothing, young lady.
Well, she knows respect.
Ruth, l won't stop in this house a minute longer.
Come on.
They're nice, your parents.
(Laughter dissolves into sobs) Are you all right? Yeah.
- Do you think l should have bitten my tongue? - Ah! Do you wish you had? No, l don't.
No.
Thanks.
Though l don't know if you should have outed your sister.
Bloody hell.
Oh, my God.
What time is it in Sydney? l thought she was in Alice.
Alice? Ah, in Alice! Lesbian humour.
Thanks.
Oh, hi.
Luce, it's me.
Yeah, l'm married.
Again.
But listen, that's not why l'm ringing you.
Fancy that.
Yeah.
What is it about weddings, anyway? Well, we did it after ours.
l should bloody hope so.
Going to stay for brekky? Well, l thought you had to pick the nipper up.
We'll do that after.
We? lf you want to.
l know he'd like it.
Yeah.
He would, wouldn't he? - Here you are.
- Thank you.
l told Josh you'd do some colouring with him.
Oh butgolf.
Sorry.
l'll ring the lads and scratch.
And do some colouring.
- How did you sleep? - Fine, thanks.
You? No.
The mattress is lumpy.
l'll get a new one.
You might want to decorate, as well.
What? Nothing.
What? l was just thinking how beautiful you are.
How lucky l am.
You don't mind that we didn't consummate our marriage? Ohh After all that booze, l don't think l could've managed it.
(Giggles) Anyway, l wanted to save it until we were feeling fresh.
And how are you feeling now? Mmmm.
l'm feeling fresh.
Oh, give me one of those.
l must warn you all that this is just a rough cut.
Oh, aye? Francis Ford Gifford! And the editing's dodgy cos l did it from machine to machine.
Oh, just show the bloody thing! Come on.
Are you ready? Let love begin.
Let's dance Ah! How did you do that? That's little Adam's magnetic letters on the fridge.
DAVlD: No expense spared.
ALL: Ooh! Very good! Shines in your eyes Who's that? l don't know her.
.
.
the blues far, far away Till the dawn lt means a great deal to them.
ADAM: What were you doing? RACHEL: What's all this about? REGlSTRAR: l do solemnly declare.
- l dosolemnly declare.
(Pneumatic drill hammers) God, those bloody workmen! They made a nice cup of tea.
RACHEL: They did.
Hey, does it actually count? ls it legal if you can't hear the wedding vows? Umyou can lip-read them, though.
Look.
.
.
here to the band We're going to dance the sweet music ADAM: Boo! KAREN: Who took that, then? l did.
ADAM: Can't you tell? As the night passes by To the stars we will fly When we're there We'll pacify Love's sweetest song JENNY: Oh, this is quality, Pete.
Real quality.
Welcome to Chateau Marsden for the arrival of the guests.
- What's that? - Nothing.
lt looked like two naked men.
- lt is.
- They're having a shower.
l transferred the tape onto one of Matthew's tapes.
- Your gay landlord? - Ex-landlord.
So our wedding is intercut with gay porn? PETE: Don't get upset.
He was devastated.
That's one of his favourite films.
Now OK, the cake.
Not much of David and Karen in this.
PETE: Toast the happy couple, Adam and Rachel.
ALL: Adam and Rachel.
Hey, where's my speech? Sorry.
l had the record button on pause.
Oh, yeah.
Marvellous.
So come take my hand That was nice.
We're gonna dance What, is that it? You told me to keep it short.
Oh, you are a genius, you are.
You couldn't hear the ceremony, you missed my speech and the thing cuts out before you reach the .
.
passes by To the stars we will fly When we're there We'll pacify Love's sweetest song While we're dancing the whole night long