Cold Feet (1997) s04e06 Episode Script
Series 4, Episode 6
l am not a number.
l am a free man.
You what? Well, Rachel's on her way to New York.
l can come and play.
- l'll pick you up in 20 minutes.
- (As Jimmy Savile) That's the spirit, young man! Oh, hi, Pete.
Yeah.
Oh.
l thought l might play golf this morning.
David, you always get pissed off when me and Adam do things without you.
We were only saying this last night.
What were you doing last night? We'll pick you up in 20, all right, mate? - Come on, hurry up, David's waiting.
- l know, l know, l just can't find my wallet.
Why aren't you going? - With Rachel? - Yeah.
And listen to her and Jenny talk about babies for ten days? No, l'd rather stay here with you, take Rachel's advice, have some fun.
Oh, while you still can.
Oh! Let's go.
A car auction? l thought we were going to have some fun.
Have a look around.
See what's tasty.
lt's Karen's birthday in a couple of days.
l still need to get her a present.
- What are you thinking, driving lessons? - l could get her something special.
No, she already has a car.
Not a Ferrari, she hasn't.
Now, that is not a bad idea.
Wheee! Oh, Karen.
This is just like olden times, eh? You know? Now David's home.
- Well, there's certainly more washing.
- Yeah.
But l don't know.
lt's nice.
Maybe it's because l'm Catholic.
But from the bottom of my heart, l do believe in the sanctity of marriage.
You don't have to be Catholic to believe that.
Just single.
- No, l do believe it.
(Phone rings) Hello? Mark.
Hello.
Not a subject l'd normally um But Karen and l, we actually had sex the other night.
Ah! Ha, ha! lt started as a massage.
Was it good? - Yes, my back had been - The sex.
Oh, l see.
Well Um, how much detail do you want? - Oh, my God.
- What? Well, Rachel's away, Pete's inactive.
You're the only one who was having sex.
Yes.
The same thing had occurred to me, too.
(As Loyd Grossman) Now, speed is not a priority for the driver of this car.
However, safety is.
Four doors, allowing easy access.
Plenty of boot space in the back for those bulkier items.
The question we ask is, who would drive a car like this? Over to you, David.
- What? ADAM: A boring old fart.
What about a new parent? - You'd get a travel cot in here.
- Something to think about.
lf you'll excuse me, this, however, is more my kind of car.
You know, Pete's right, Adam.
A Volvo makes sense.
Sold to the gentleman in the check shirt.
Ha, ha! Phwoar! Lovely! Whoo-hoo! (Rock music blares from car stereo) (Beeps horn) Ho-ho, wow! Look at you! Well, that's what l'm hoping.
You know, people will.
Well, women.
- What do you think? - l think they will.
ls it yours? - Well, it's my little present to me.
- Mmm! - Don't fancy a spin, do you? - Yeah! Maybe when l get back.
Why, where are you going? l can always give you a lift, you know.
- For a run.
- Oh, right.
You should come with me.
You've been slacking off a bit lately.
Yeah, l know.
Well, all right, but don't work me too hard, OK? - OK.
We won't.
- We? - You all right, Gifford? - All right? (Whistles) You all set? - Yeah, we're just waiting for Pete.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we'll have to, if he comes running with us! Second thoughts, l tell you what, l won't bother.
Probably pull something.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
You two, run along.
- All right.
Come on.
- Bye.
Oh, that's perfect, Ramona.
Thanks very much.
l'd run out.
l know.
l use it.
Sorry.
Can l open this one? - No, Josh, that's Mummy's present.
- No, David, let him open it.
- Oh! - Oh, look, more bath oils.
lsn't that lovely? No.
lt's massage oil.
Mmm! This is from me.
The present's inside.
Sorry, l don't understand.
- What do you think it is? - A picture of a horse.
Yes, well, it is, obviously, buthmm? OK.
lt's a painting of a horse, and you're having it framed? - No.
- Riding lessons? - No.
- Pony-trekking in the Dolomites? No.
lt's lt's a racehorse! lt's your very own racehorse.
The idea came to me when Pete was buying his car.
ADAM: You want to get her a Ferrari? No A racehorse.
Karen will be delighted.
- Yes? - Yeah.
Yeah.
lt's justl don't really l'm just a bit surprised.
lt's stabled at Chester racecourses.
lt's running there.
We could have a day out.
Lovely.
PETE: He's practically moved in.
l wish l had hit him.
ADAM: Good thing you didn't.
Anyway, l thought you liked Suggs.
(Pete groans) l do.
l just don't like him going out with Jo.
- Can l drive the car home? - No.
- Please.
- No.
No.
- Oh, pretty please.
- No, it wouldn't be fair.
- Why? - You'd only want one and you can't have one.
Oh! Nappies on special offer.
Perhaps you'd better stock up.
(Baby crying) The prices! Good job we're not taking a holiday this year, after all.
Yeah, l don't go down the pub like l used to.
ADAM: Hey, shall we get a video tonight? WOMAN: Oh, l'll be too tired.
Let's just stare at the wall, and talk endlessly about His Nibs.
- (Echoing) Nibsnibs ADAM: (Thinks) Oh, my God.
- Pete! Pete, listen.
- What? What? Look All this time Rachel's away, l thought it was a chance to have fun.
But it's my last chance to have fun.
You know, l've got to make the most of it.
Well, yeah, OK.
How? - Poker school.
- Yes, yes.
Brilliant.
JO: Two, please.
- Two.
- Thank you.
- l'll have one.
One plus Veron - no chance.
Dealer takes .
.
two.
OK, David? l'll bet 40.
RAMONA: OK.
l'll see your 40.
l'll raise you 50.
Which gives you 90, Pete.
PETE: Yeah, all right.
- Why not? - So, is it you who owns a racehorse? Yeah.
Well, it's my wife, actually.
lt's running at Chester next week.
You should all come.
- Maybe you should get a box.
- No, the stable arranges transport.
Hospitality.
- Oh.
- That's what owners do, entertain their friends.
That's a great idea.
Yeah.
Yeah, l could invite some clients, get the company to pay.
Great, lovely.
Cheers.
l think they'd be rather impressed, rubbing shoulders with a racehorse owner.
Well, you'd better get Karen to stand next to them, then, hadn't you? (Laughter) Right.
Well, l hope you haven't got any plans for tonight.
Yes.
Sleep.
No.
No, sleep's for wimps.
Right, you take Chapters 1 to 3, and l'll take 4 to 6.
What about the rest? Well, we'll do those later.
Has anybody ever told you that you are extremely irritating? Never mind.
When it's all done, l'll buy you lunch.
Oh, yeah? You reckon we'll be done by lunch time? - Pete.
Pete! - What? - Let's sandbag Suggsy.
- You what? When l've got a good hand l'll give you a nod.
We'll keep raising.
lf Suggsy wants to play, he has to stay with us.
Then boom! We clean him out.
Oh, come on, that's not very nice.
- lt's just a game.
- Yes, precisely.
Well, Jo might be impressed if you beat him.
- Oh, l've given up on her.
l'm looking elsewhere.
- Well, you did OK after Jenny left.
- You were riding left, right and centre.
- Yeah, but now l want a proper girlfriend.
You know, someone to date.
The thing is, l don't know how to any more.
- How to what? - Oh, nothing.
- Date women.
- Oi! Don't put yourself down.
You're always telling me.
- Oh, he can pull them, all right.
- Trouble is, l can't keep 'em.
- Simple.
Buy them gifts, let them come first.
- Well, isn't Rachel the lucky lady? Yeah.
l can give you some pointers if you want.
l mean, not that l know anything.
Well, it looks like you're doing all right.
Come on, l want your money! Come on, get in there.
You never told me it was your birthday.
l used to have to remind people.
Now when they remember, l wish they'd forget.
(Laughs) Oi! Are you going to do some work? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Right then, where are we up to? OK, l'm up to the chapter on balancing home and work and l need an example of how one impinges on the other.
(Baby cries) Well, it sounds like you've just found one.
Mmm.
- l'll see you.
- l'm in.
- OK.
- l'm out.
- We used to play poker a lot.
What happened? - We had exams, didn't we? l got married, we had little Adam.
Then you got married.
ADAM: Yeah, anyway, it's great.
UmOK.
Your five plus five.
ADAM: Folding? - Folding.
Come on, the lrish! And you always took it too bloody seriously.
Spoken like a true loser.
Full house.
ALL: No! Awww! Come to Dada.
- How much it worth, that hand? - £1 .
26.
- Oh, that's a big one.
ADAM: Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo! - Come on, who's dealing now? You know, this is the one time l really miss drinking.
l used to have another bottle just before l went to bed.
Anotherwhen l got up.
(lnhales sharply) You had it bad, didn't you? What, so you can have it good? Have you talked to your friends about it? No.
lt's difficult, isn't it? Yeah.
David's really good about it.
We don't have alcohol in the house.
lt's different when we go out with friends.
They ask me what l want to drink.
l feel like l've got this neon sign flashing above my head.
l hate it.
At least they ask you.
l can't stand it when people come up to you and they order you a glass of water like there aren't any other options.
Or even worse, when they know, so they don't offer you anything at all and you're parched.
Yeah.
Right, well, come on, then.
- We've still got the photos to sort out.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Get up.
Nearly there.
- Come on, Suggsy, what's it gonna be? PETE: Oi! Oi! No bullying.
You've gotta know when to hold 'em - Too rich for me.
Know when to fold 'em Hey, what are you gonna do, raise or see? Hmm.
- l think l'll raise.
- Oh, come on, l can't afford that.
Oh, dear.
Tell you what, l'll let you off.
But if l win, l get to drive your car.
- No way.
- You can't see me.
No.
Someone lend me just a couple of quid.
Something.
Just - Oi, oi! No borrowing.
- Well, no bullying.
- That's all there is.
Pete.
- Right.
Yes, thank you.
There you go.
That Plus - The lot.
- Right.
Fine.
There you go.
Read 'em and weep.
- Yeah! - Yes, Gifford! (Laughter) - Full house won't do it.
- But four sixes will.
ALL: Aww! - l don't believe that amount of luck.
Wipe-out! And once again, Gifford loses all his money to Williams.
But you don't get to drive my car.
Right, l've had enough.
Good night.
JO: Me, too.
Yeah, cheers, Adam.
Come on, Ramona.
- OK.
- Well, that was fun, eh? Let's do it again.
- No, not me.
l think we're busy.
- Yeah, this week we are.
- Or go to a casino.
- Thanks.
No, l'd better stay with Karen.
- Come on, where's your sense of fun? - Listen, l'll go to a casino with you.
- Right, Ramona, you're on.
- OK.
We can play with Pete's money.
PETE: Piss off! - Ciao.
(Front door closes) And this is mine.
- (Laughs) - What's so funny? You can't use that.
That is pornographic.
MARK: No, it's graphic.
lt's to illustrate the joy of sex.
KAREN: Yeah, for women, not men.
MARK: Men can read it as well.
KAREN: Do you fancy her? MARK: Ershe's all right, l suppose.
- Bit young.
How old are you? - Excuse me.
A gentleman shouldn't ask, a lady shouldn't tell.
- Ah, but you see, l'm no gentleman.
- And l'm no lady.
(David clears throat) KAREN: Hello.
Sorry, l didn't hear you come in, darling.
Hi, David, hi.
Hello, Mark.
We've almost finished.
We have one more picture to find.
Do you think that's pornographic? Well, it certainly seemsunlikely.
Er, sorry, David, you've got it round the wrong way.
Oh.
Right.
DAVlD: (As Peter Scudamore) And with one furlong to go, it's Montezuma's Revenge.
But coming up on the outside, it's Lady Perfect.
Lady Perfect taking up the running.
- She moves fluidly.
You can see that.
- She's winning.
- David, it's not a race.
- And besides, your horse is third.
ls she? DAVlD: Ah.
Well, they all look the same to me.
You know, from this range.
- So, you're keen on racing, are you? - No, not really.
l've never been.
Oh.
She's keen on horses.
You said you wanted one since you were little.
Yeah, a pony.
She's only two.
Ah, she's catching up now.
MAN: No, she's running fifth.
DAVlD: Hey? - lt's a great-looking string, Harry.
- Thank you.
Ah, here we are.
Yes.
Um, l've got a few clients coming to Chester.
The firm's taking a box.
So, umwhat do you think of her chances? Oh, er, l'm not a betting man.
Oh, right.
Though, speaking of money Your account.
Yes.
Yes, of course.
Jolly good.
How much? - That is rather a lot, isn't it? - Didn't you know that when you bought her? Harry did mention the figure which l thought was per month.
lt turns out it's per week.
£200 per week.
That is £800 per month.
David, per year, that's lt doesn't bear thinking about.
Maybe l can sell it.
So, you're out for dinner.
First date.
Make conversation.
OK.
l like a girl that likes beer.
Pete! l find it hard to do deep stuff, you know.
OK.
Don't panic.
Films are always good.
Seems like chat, but reveals a lot about you.
OK.
Erwhat's your favourite film? The Piano.
You're joking? What a load of old bollocks that is.
Boring rubbish.
lt's a chick flick.
You're not serious, are you? No.
Crock of shit.
But l'm in character.
Well, don't be.
Just be yourself.
Right, what's your favourite film? You wouldn't know it.
Between The Lines.
You're joking! Jeff Goldblum works for an underground newspaper in Chicago.
- Boston.
- Oh The answer to the question whether rock and roll - .
.
is not, like some people claim, hither - .
.
but thither.
- Wow! - l can't believe it! Rachel, well, you know what a sore loser Pete is, despite the practice.
l won £24.
Hey, excuse me, you're the one on holiday.
l get the presents.
Anyway, l lost it all at the casino.
Ha, ha! Hee, hee! Whoo! ADAM: Was it fun? Well, she enjoyed it.
l didn't.
But don't worry, l will have fun before you get back.
Well, l'll have to.
Nothing.
No, no.
l didn't mean anything.
No.
PETE: Well l guess the only person l ever really loved was Jenny.
But hang on! l did have this massive thing for Samantha Fox.
Was she at school as well? - What? - Cultural differences.
Cheers.
Cheers.
So, how about you? That's good.
Act as if you're interested in them.
Women are suckers for that.
No, no, no.
l am interested.
Oh, sorry.
Not used to it.
- Um, what was the question? - OK.
How many times have you been in love before? Um, let me see.
Once.
And what happened? Oh, you know, the usual.
Scared of commitment.
- You or him? - We were engaged.
Hang on, l thought you said that he was scared Oh, he was.
He wouldn't set a date for the wedding.
So l gave him an ultimatum and he gave me the elbow.
lt's funny how things happen.
lt seems kind of surreal now.
That's why l came over to England, to get away from the lousy no-good bastard.
And is it working? (Doorbell) Well, Suggs is helping.
Hey, good session.
- l reckon you are ready for a road test.
- Oh.
l've got someone in mind, actually.
Here we are, angel.
Sit down, please.
Other one.
David, sell the horse.
Ten grand a year is a lot of money.
We could put Joshy through school for that.
Not that we want to, of course.
Anyway, it's your birthday present, darling.
l'm not going to sell it.
Well, l will accept shopping vouchers to the same value.
l just wanted it to be something we could share, you know.
The joy of victory as Lady Perfect romps home 1 0 furlongs clear.
You know this roulette? l don't understand it, you know.
One night you win.
And then, the next night, l lose everything.
You know with racing, David, with a good horse, you could make a killing, huh? l mean, do you think that this Lady Perfect is worth a bet? Not on your wages, no.
lf we have to pay the stabling for a few months, we won't be able to afford a bet, either.
l may have worked out a very clever way to offset some of those expenses.
Have a good day.
Now, like us, a number of firms will be having a box at the Chester races, but we have an opportunity to stand out from the crowd in a way which will reinforce .
.
the recognition of our company name, a positive image and client loyalty.
How? By having our own horse called DZQ lnternational.
Sporting the company colours, running in the 4:45, and, hopefully, joining us in the winners' enclosure.
How much? Thank you.
Thank you all very much for your time.
Oh, piss.
So, tonight, l thought, greyhound racing.
Er, can't go out tonight.
- Why not? - Busy.
- What doing? - Nothing.
- OK.
lt starts, l think, at 7:30.
- Look, l'm going out with Jo and Suggs.
- All right.
Let me nip home and get changed.
- You can't come, Adam.
Huh? Look, l've got a date.
Right? Jo's working this shift at the gym and there's this other aerobics instructor.
- She's set you up with an aerobics instructor? - Yep.
- Well, let me come.
- No.
- Oh, just for a minute.
l won't stay.
- No! Adam, l've got to get changed.
Pete! (Door opens) - Hi! Those idiots! They wouldn't even know a good opportunity if it you know, grabbed them by the mouth and French-kissed them.
Still, we might as well enjoy our day at Chester.
lf the damn horse does well, l suppose we can always sell it.
- What's for dinner? - You'll have to fend for yourself, darling.
- What? - l'm meeting with Mark to put the book to bed.
- l thought you had.
- lt just needs tucking in a bit.
But l won't be late.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(Sighs) ADAM: Oh, yes, l could get used to this! l'll just save the world and then we'll make love.
Check yourself in the mirror.
All in all, looking surprisingly appropriate.
Hello! My God, is she flirting? Oh, my gosh.
She is.
- She is! (Tyres screech) This is unbelievable! Nice car.
Yours, too.
- (Thinks) What are you saying? - l'm Deborah.
Max.
(Thinks) Max? Nice to meet you, Max.
My name's Max.
Holy God.
(Horn blares) (Suave) Hi, my name's Pete, what's your favourite film? No.
(Upbeat) Hi, my name's Pete, what's your favourite film? You're joking.
JO: Well, are you sure that's where you parked it? - Of course l am.
- lt's easy to forget.
l park it under a lamp so l can see it from my window before l go to bed and say good night.
- You say good night to your car? - Do l heck? - All right, Gif? - No, l'm not.
Someone's nicked my car.
Oh, bummer.
You reported it to the police? - Yeah, too bloody right l have.
- They'll be on the case.
What else can you do? Put it out of your mind, relax and enjoy yourself.
SUGGS: Hey.
- Here's Liz now.
Are you OK? - What's her favourite film? l don't know.
Ask her.
Just not straight away.
All right? Hi.
This is Pete.
Well, we did it.
You did extremely well.
And better than that, of course, you did it on time.
Yeah.
So, by a small way of thank you, Karen, l bought you this.
l thought l was getting paid.
lt's also a belated birthday present.
So, there you go.
Mark, that is toothat's too much.
Well, l thought it elegantly understated, myself.
l can't take that.
l don't understand.
Why not? Well, you wouldn't give that to one of your staff, would you? lf it was their birthday, then probablynot.
But you actually work much harder than them, so there you are.
That's not what this is about, though, is it? Karen, l like you.
We've got an awful lot in common.
And not just the old obvious.
And that's it.
What, that's it? No, no, that's notthat's not it.
No, this is really by way of an inducement, you see? l want you to work for me full-time.
Please.
- This is a disaster.
- Well, if you forget about your car for a minute.
lt's not my fault.
She brought it up.
- When? - Her favourite film.
Oh, yeah, Gone ln 60 Seconds.
- lt's shit.
- Pete, we're having a nice time.
- No, the film.
- Oh, yeah.
Can you have a lasting relationship with someone with completely different taste? Well, Suggs liked it.
PETE: Yeah, he did, didn't he? - l think l might just go home.
- Pete, don't do that.
What are you going to do there except stare out the window at where your car was? Yeah, you're right.
l probably wouldn't be able to sleep.
Come on.
Do you know l have one of your birthday presents in bed with me.
l hope this isn't a Godfather moment.
No, not the damned horse.
No.
The massage oil that Josh gave you.
l'm not actually sure l approve of our six-year-old son helping to spice up our sex life.
l'm sure that Josh would like us to be happy.
Hmm? Erm Excuse me, sir, but whose birthday present was this? Oh, just a bit, then l'll do you.
l should go.
Pussy, sit down.
Relax.
Sorry.
- l seem to be out of soda.
- That's OK.
l prefer it straight.
(Sighs) See you.
Do you know any other aerobics instructors? (Jo and Suggs laugh) - Well, there's Brian.
- Brian? Funny! My car.
Look, look, look, that's my car! My car! - Are you sure it's yours? - Course l'm sure.
How are you going to get in? With these.
- Are you going to steal it back? - Course l'm not going to steal it.
lt's mine.
You two, get in.
Oh, shite.
Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite.
Police? l'm having a nightmare.
- Do you chew gum? - No.
Well, the thief does.
Right, bag that for fingerprints.
And DNA.
Gifford, the police don't give a monkey's about stolen cars.
(Siren) So they're stopping us for you riding in the back? lt's illegal to carry passengers in the back.
WPC: Sir, look at this.
POLlCEMAN: That's interesting.
Apparently, this car's been stolen.
Yes, that's right, Officer.
l reported it.
Peter Gifford.
The name l've got here is Adam Williams.
Let's go down to the station, shall we? - Wanker! - Come on.
l would have told you.
- Bullshit! - Well, l might have.
Pete, l'm sorry, but if you'd lent it to me in the first place, this wouldn't have happened.
lf you hadn't nicked it, this wouldn't have happened.
- Will you tell him he's overreacting? - You did get it back safe and sound.
- Get out of it! Adam had no business stealing it.
- Stealing it! He only borrowed it.
- Right, like you borrowed my Faithless CD? - What? Look, there's no point you two falling out.
Right, we'll hear no more of this, OK? - Good man.
- Do you need a lift? - Yeah.
- Get the bus! Well, l must say, l hadn't expected an answer so quickly.
When do you want to start? l can't.
l'm not taking the job.
- ls it the money? - No.
The hours? You know, we can come to some form of an arrangement.
No.
lt's not that.
ls it me? lt's just too much of a commitment.
Right, you want an assistant.
That's easily managed.
- Gill, can you send - Mark! l just don't want the job.
OK? l'll shine on l wanna keep on Watching over you, my love Have you ever had a perfect moment? Hmm? You know, when everything seems just right.
When there's nothing in the world that anybody could do to make things better than they are.
You mean, apart from during sex? - l'm serious.
- So am l.
l don't know.
Um Pete said he had one when they were on holiday in France once.
lt was late in the afternoon.
You know, magic hour.
We were on this camping holiday, and it was terrible.
lt was awful.
Everyone had bad colds.
lt was freezing.
And then, l'm fast asleep and l hear pftttt! lt's little Adam.
He's had the squits.
And we've run out of nappies.
There's no shops nearby.
l come out of the tent and this incredible dawn is breaking.
Beautiful.
And then l hear a little giggle from inside the tent, which became laughter.
And it was little Adam.
And l'll never forget.
lt was just a perfect moment.
- That's it? - Yeah, that's it.
l like getting pissed.
What? We need to talk.
ANNOUNCER: Let's move on now to our fourth race, which is the Showcase Handicap.
- Come on! - Come on, come on, come on.
ADAM: Come on, get up there! - Go! Go! - Oh, yes.
Oh, yes! ADAM: Come on! Aww! - This is going to be an expensive afternoon.
- Tell me about it.
- Which race is Karen's in? - The last.
- ls that the race or where it'll finish? - Yeah, good point.
- Let's get a beer.
- Something we don't have to pay for! - Go on, you fool.
- Oh, shut up.
Ah, darling, l think it's going pretty well.
- Charles, Lisa.
So glad you could make it.
- Hello, David.
Hello, look out for my horse in the last race, Lady Perfect.
Right.
- My horse.
- Well, you know Joshy! Hello, darling.
Ramona.
Come and have a drink.
What do you fancy? ln the next race? l think maybe Velvet Runner.
He likes firm ground, he's good over this distance and is drawn on the inside.
Um You mean something to drink.
- Help yourself.
- Thank you.
Andy, so glad you could make it after all.
Come on in.
Darling, l think Lady Perfect is turning out to be a rather inspired present.
Nice-looking filly over there.
Yeah.
Carrying a few excess pounds, though.
And knows we're talking about her.
- Hiya, Jo.
- Hi.
Hi.
Where's Suggsy? He's ermhe's not coming.
Actually, we split up.
Oh.
Why? Well, it's no big deal.
(Laughs) Thank you.
Thanks very much.
(Sighs) Hello.
Hello.
Oh, you look a little surprised to see me.
No.
Well, yeah, actually.
l didn't know you were coming.
Your husband invited me.
He didn't say.
Geraldine not with you? No, no.
Horse racing, er Well, it's not really her bag.
You're wearing the necklace l bought you.
Yeah.
Hello.
Yeah, can we have £20 on number three, that's Velvet Runner, to win.
- £20, number three.
- Yeah.
Ticket, Joshy.
Thank you very much.
OK.
Come on, let's go get an ice cream.
So why did you split up, then? Oh, you know, l just figured we didn't actually have that much in common.
So what made you decide that? So, have you got your eye on anything? Oh, l don't know, the favourite.
- So you're up next? - Yeah.
Hey, listen, Mark, l think it would be better if you left.
- Why? ls it something l said? - No.
lt's just l think it would be better.
No, no, no.
l didn't come here for the racing, l didn't come here to network.
- l came here to see you.
- l know.
Karen, l think l'm falling in love with you.
Karen! Karen, darling, it's time to go.
- Hello, having a good time? - Yeah, very much.
Come on.
DAVlD: Right, down to the parade ring, everyone.
Ah, this is the life, Karen.
(Mutters prayer) - lt's only a race, Ramona.
- Yeah, for you, maybe.
There he is.
- Have you put your money on yet? - No, but l think we should go soon.
- The going should suit her.
- Good, good.
Right, let's have a look at her.
l'm so sorry! Are you all right? l do beg your pardon.
So sorry.
- God, l hope that wasn't ours.
- The favourite.
Not any more.
Ah, here she is! - l bet David's loving all this.
- Oh, yeah! Look, we're going to go and put our bets on.
- Yeah, put a tenner on for me.
- Are you not coming? No, no, l think l'll stay here.
Oh, right.
Come on, Joshy.
Hup.
Hoodlah-hi-ho.
Good luck.
- You all right? - Yeah, l'm fine.
Sorry, just a bit nervous.
Me too.
Come on, let's go and watch it with the others.
(Race commentator over tannoy) PETE: Here we go.
Here we go.
Come on, come on, Lady Perfect.
Ah! (Mutters) RAMONA: Come on! (They scream excitedly) Yes! We're going to win it! No, no, no No! Oh, my God! - Bad luck, bad luck, bad luck.
- Never mind.
Don't worry, darling.
Are you all right, Ramona? DAVlD: Just another two furlongs, she'd have got there.
Ramona.
Ramona, are you all right? No, it is not all right, David.
l needed to win.
Needed? How much have you lost? - l don't know, £500 or £600.
- You bet that much? No, not just betting.
Roulette, cards, everything.
Look, Adam took me to a casino, OK? - l got buggered by the beat.
- Sorry? B-B-Beaten by the bug? Oh, right.
Anyway, l need to win it back.
lt's all my savings.
Ramona, that's terrible.
l know.
But it's not Adam's fault, OK? lndeed, it's yours, but Look, Ramona, if you can promise me faithfully that you will never gamble again .
.
l will make good your losses.
Make good? - The money, yes.
- Oh.
Oh, David, that's wonderful.
- Thank you so much.
- Not at all.
Not at all.
You can pay me back £1 0 a week.
Oh.
- Harry.
- Mr Marsden, could l have a word? - Where's Jo? - Gone for a pee.
Ooh-ooh! - What's the matter with you? - Nothing.
- Eh? - Max? Max, l should have known you'd be into racing.
- l don't think l - His name's Adam.
- Adam? - Mmm.
l guess l must be thinking of someone else.
Yeah, probably.
lt wasn't you who came back to my flat the other night? No! Took me to bed and couldn't deliver the goods? No.
Drives a red MGB? Fine.
- l did not sleep with her.
- You were pissed! Couldn't deliver the goods.
l wasn't drunk.
l was driving.
Your car - that's what got me into trouble.
- Oh, so it's my fault now, is it? - No, no.
l was just trying to have a bit of fun.
- By shagging some bird.
- No.
Well Oh, here we go.
l'm going to be a father soon.
This was my last chance.
No-one need ever know.
lt's not like l'd see her again.
Ha! Good thinking.
So, what actually did happen? (Gasps) - Shall we leave the lights on? - Erno.
No.
- All right, l'll turn them off, then.
- No, no, l mean - l can't do this.
- Why not? Er l Oh ADAM: l could've, you know.
A big bit of me wanted to.
But l didn't.
Because l love Rachel.
Pure and simple.
l suppose l'm more of a Volvo driver than l thought.
Who'd ever have thought that you'd grow up? Excuse me.
Champagne or orange, madam? Champagne, please.
Thanks.
Karen, don't.
Just don't.
- Not here, not here, not here.
- Then where? Karen, there you are.
l've been looking for you everywhere.
Excuse me, Mark, sorry, could we have a moment? Erno.
Yeah, l'm sorry.
Of course.
Karen, l've got some rather bad news.
Lady Perfect has gone lame.
Now, she won't have to be put down.
Although that, of course, would be the cheapest option.
No, no, we'll keep her.
ln a field.
OK? lt'll be cheaper than a racing stables.
Look, l know it's upsetting, darling.
l'm sorry.
This isn't quite the day we'd been hoping for, is it? No.
- l wish Adam'd hurry up.
- Yeah.
- Pete? - Yeah.
Do you think you could give me a lift home? l'm sorry.
l promised Adam a lift.
l can only take .
.
one passenger.
- Sorry.
- No worries, no worries.
OK.
- Look, um - Yeah? Do you want to go to a movie tonight? What are we doing? Practising for my next date? Actually, l was thinking it could be your next date.
OK.
- All set? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Adamcould you get a bus?
l am a free man.
You what? Well, Rachel's on her way to New York.
l can come and play.
- l'll pick you up in 20 minutes.
- (As Jimmy Savile) That's the spirit, young man! Oh, hi, Pete.
Yeah.
Oh.
l thought l might play golf this morning.
David, you always get pissed off when me and Adam do things without you.
We were only saying this last night.
What were you doing last night? We'll pick you up in 20, all right, mate? - Come on, hurry up, David's waiting.
- l know, l know, l just can't find my wallet.
Why aren't you going? - With Rachel? - Yeah.
And listen to her and Jenny talk about babies for ten days? No, l'd rather stay here with you, take Rachel's advice, have some fun.
Oh, while you still can.
Oh! Let's go.
A car auction? l thought we were going to have some fun.
Have a look around.
See what's tasty.
lt's Karen's birthday in a couple of days.
l still need to get her a present.
- What are you thinking, driving lessons? - l could get her something special.
No, she already has a car.
Not a Ferrari, she hasn't.
Now, that is not a bad idea.
Wheee! Oh, Karen.
This is just like olden times, eh? You know? Now David's home.
- Well, there's certainly more washing.
- Yeah.
But l don't know.
lt's nice.
Maybe it's because l'm Catholic.
But from the bottom of my heart, l do believe in the sanctity of marriage.
You don't have to be Catholic to believe that.
Just single.
- No, l do believe it.
(Phone rings) Hello? Mark.
Hello.
Not a subject l'd normally um But Karen and l, we actually had sex the other night.
Ah! Ha, ha! lt started as a massage.
Was it good? - Yes, my back had been - The sex.
Oh, l see.
Well Um, how much detail do you want? - Oh, my God.
- What? Well, Rachel's away, Pete's inactive.
You're the only one who was having sex.
Yes.
The same thing had occurred to me, too.
(As Loyd Grossman) Now, speed is not a priority for the driver of this car.
However, safety is.
Four doors, allowing easy access.
Plenty of boot space in the back for those bulkier items.
The question we ask is, who would drive a car like this? Over to you, David.
- What? ADAM: A boring old fart.
What about a new parent? - You'd get a travel cot in here.
- Something to think about.
lf you'll excuse me, this, however, is more my kind of car.
You know, Pete's right, Adam.
A Volvo makes sense.
Sold to the gentleman in the check shirt.
Ha, ha! Phwoar! Lovely! Whoo-hoo! (Rock music blares from car stereo) (Beeps horn) Ho-ho, wow! Look at you! Well, that's what l'm hoping.
You know, people will.
Well, women.
- What do you think? - l think they will.
ls it yours? - Well, it's my little present to me.
- Mmm! - Don't fancy a spin, do you? - Yeah! Maybe when l get back.
Why, where are you going? l can always give you a lift, you know.
- For a run.
- Oh, right.
You should come with me.
You've been slacking off a bit lately.
Yeah, l know.
Well, all right, but don't work me too hard, OK? - OK.
We won't.
- We? - You all right, Gifford? - All right? (Whistles) You all set? - Yeah, we're just waiting for Pete.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we'll have to, if he comes running with us! Second thoughts, l tell you what, l won't bother.
Probably pull something.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
You two, run along.
- All right.
Come on.
- Bye.
Oh, that's perfect, Ramona.
Thanks very much.
l'd run out.
l know.
l use it.
Sorry.
Can l open this one? - No, Josh, that's Mummy's present.
- No, David, let him open it.
- Oh! - Oh, look, more bath oils.
lsn't that lovely? No.
lt's massage oil.
Mmm! This is from me.
The present's inside.
Sorry, l don't understand.
- What do you think it is? - A picture of a horse.
Yes, well, it is, obviously, buthmm? OK.
lt's a painting of a horse, and you're having it framed? - No.
- Riding lessons? - No.
- Pony-trekking in the Dolomites? No.
lt's lt's a racehorse! lt's your very own racehorse.
The idea came to me when Pete was buying his car.
ADAM: You want to get her a Ferrari? No A racehorse.
Karen will be delighted.
- Yes? - Yeah.
Yeah.
lt's justl don't really l'm just a bit surprised.
lt's stabled at Chester racecourses.
lt's running there.
We could have a day out.
Lovely.
PETE: He's practically moved in.
l wish l had hit him.
ADAM: Good thing you didn't.
Anyway, l thought you liked Suggs.
(Pete groans) l do.
l just don't like him going out with Jo.
- Can l drive the car home? - No.
- Please.
- No.
No.
- Oh, pretty please.
- No, it wouldn't be fair.
- Why? - You'd only want one and you can't have one.
Oh! Nappies on special offer.
Perhaps you'd better stock up.
(Baby crying) The prices! Good job we're not taking a holiday this year, after all.
Yeah, l don't go down the pub like l used to.
ADAM: Hey, shall we get a video tonight? WOMAN: Oh, l'll be too tired.
Let's just stare at the wall, and talk endlessly about His Nibs.
- (Echoing) Nibsnibs ADAM: (Thinks) Oh, my God.
- Pete! Pete, listen.
- What? What? Look All this time Rachel's away, l thought it was a chance to have fun.
But it's my last chance to have fun.
You know, l've got to make the most of it.
Well, yeah, OK.
How? - Poker school.
- Yes, yes.
Brilliant.
JO: Two, please.
- Two.
- Thank you.
- l'll have one.
One plus Veron - no chance.
Dealer takes .
.
two.
OK, David? l'll bet 40.
RAMONA: OK.
l'll see your 40.
l'll raise you 50.
Which gives you 90, Pete.
PETE: Yeah, all right.
- Why not? - So, is it you who owns a racehorse? Yeah.
Well, it's my wife, actually.
lt's running at Chester next week.
You should all come.
- Maybe you should get a box.
- No, the stable arranges transport.
Hospitality.
- Oh.
- That's what owners do, entertain their friends.
That's a great idea.
Yeah.
Yeah, l could invite some clients, get the company to pay.
Great, lovely.
Cheers.
l think they'd be rather impressed, rubbing shoulders with a racehorse owner.
Well, you'd better get Karen to stand next to them, then, hadn't you? (Laughter) Right.
Well, l hope you haven't got any plans for tonight.
Yes.
Sleep.
No.
No, sleep's for wimps.
Right, you take Chapters 1 to 3, and l'll take 4 to 6.
What about the rest? Well, we'll do those later.
Has anybody ever told you that you are extremely irritating? Never mind.
When it's all done, l'll buy you lunch.
Oh, yeah? You reckon we'll be done by lunch time? - Pete.
Pete! - What? - Let's sandbag Suggsy.
- You what? When l've got a good hand l'll give you a nod.
We'll keep raising.
lf Suggsy wants to play, he has to stay with us.
Then boom! We clean him out.
Oh, come on, that's not very nice.
- lt's just a game.
- Yes, precisely.
Well, Jo might be impressed if you beat him.
- Oh, l've given up on her.
l'm looking elsewhere.
- Well, you did OK after Jenny left.
- You were riding left, right and centre.
- Yeah, but now l want a proper girlfriend.
You know, someone to date.
The thing is, l don't know how to any more.
- How to what? - Oh, nothing.
- Date women.
- Oi! Don't put yourself down.
You're always telling me.
- Oh, he can pull them, all right.
- Trouble is, l can't keep 'em.
- Simple.
Buy them gifts, let them come first.
- Well, isn't Rachel the lucky lady? Yeah.
l can give you some pointers if you want.
l mean, not that l know anything.
Well, it looks like you're doing all right.
Come on, l want your money! Come on, get in there.
You never told me it was your birthday.
l used to have to remind people.
Now when they remember, l wish they'd forget.
(Laughs) Oi! Are you going to do some work? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Right then, where are we up to? OK, l'm up to the chapter on balancing home and work and l need an example of how one impinges on the other.
(Baby cries) Well, it sounds like you've just found one.
Mmm.
- l'll see you.
- l'm in.
- OK.
- l'm out.
- We used to play poker a lot.
What happened? - We had exams, didn't we? l got married, we had little Adam.
Then you got married.
ADAM: Yeah, anyway, it's great.
UmOK.
Your five plus five.
ADAM: Folding? - Folding.
Come on, the lrish! And you always took it too bloody seriously.
Spoken like a true loser.
Full house.
ALL: No! Awww! Come to Dada.
- How much it worth, that hand? - £1 .
26.
- Oh, that's a big one.
ADAM: Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo! - Come on, who's dealing now? You know, this is the one time l really miss drinking.
l used to have another bottle just before l went to bed.
Anotherwhen l got up.
(lnhales sharply) You had it bad, didn't you? What, so you can have it good? Have you talked to your friends about it? No.
lt's difficult, isn't it? Yeah.
David's really good about it.
We don't have alcohol in the house.
lt's different when we go out with friends.
They ask me what l want to drink.
l feel like l've got this neon sign flashing above my head.
l hate it.
At least they ask you.
l can't stand it when people come up to you and they order you a glass of water like there aren't any other options.
Or even worse, when they know, so they don't offer you anything at all and you're parched.
Yeah.
Right, well, come on, then.
- We've still got the photos to sort out.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Get up.
Nearly there.
- Come on, Suggsy, what's it gonna be? PETE: Oi! Oi! No bullying.
You've gotta know when to hold 'em - Too rich for me.
Know when to fold 'em Hey, what are you gonna do, raise or see? Hmm.
- l think l'll raise.
- Oh, come on, l can't afford that.
Oh, dear.
Tell you what, l'll let you off.
But if l win, l get to drive your car.
- No way.
- You can't see me.
No.
Someone lend me just a couple of quid.
Something.
Just - Oi, oi! No borrowing.
- Well, no bullying.
- That's all there is.
Pete.
- Right.
Yes, thank you.
There you go.
That Plus - The lot.
- Right.
Fine.
There you go.
Read 'em and weep.
- Yeah! - Yes, Gifford! (Laughter) - Full house won't do it.
- But four sixes will.
ALL: Aww! - l don't believe that amount of luck.
Wipe-out! And once again, Gifford loses all his money to Williams.
But you don't get to drive my car.
Right, l've had enough.
Good night.
JO: Me, too.
Yeah, cheers, Adam.
Come on, Ramona.
- OK.
- Well, that was fun, eh? Let's do it again.
- No, not me.
l think we're busy.
- Yeah, this week we are.
- Or go to a casino.
- Thanks.
No, l'd better stay with Karen.
- Come on, where's your sense of fun? - Listen, l'll go to a casino with you.
- Right, Ramona, you're on.
- OK.
We can play with Pete's money.
PETE: Piss off! - Ciao.
(Front door closes) And this is mine.
- (Laughs) - What's so funny? You can't use that.
That is pornographic.
MARK: No, it's graphic.
lt's to illustrate the joy of sex.
KAREN: Yeah, for women, not men.
MARK: Men can read it as well.
KAREN: Do you fancy her? MARK: Ershe's all right, l suppose.
- Bit young.
How old are you? - Excuse me.
A gentleman shouldn't ask, a lady shouldn't tell.
- Ah, but you see, l'm no gentleman.
- And l'm no lady.
(David clears throat) KAREN: Hello.
Sorry, l didn't hear you come in, darling.
Hi, David, hi.
Hello, Mark.
We've almost finished.
We have one more picture to find.
Do you think that's pornographic? Well, it certainly seemsunlikely.
Er, sorry, David, you've got it round the wrong way.
Oh.
Right.
DAVlD: (As Peter Scudamore) And with one furlong to go, it's Montezuma's Revenge.
But coming up on the outside, it's Lady Perfect.
Lady Perfect taking up the running.
- She moves fluidly.
You can see that.
- She's winning.
- David, it's not a race.
- And besides, your horse is third.
ls she? DAVlD: Ah.
Well, they all look the same to me.
You know, from this range.
- So, you're keen on racing, are you? - No, not really.
l've never been.
Oh.
She's keen on horses.
You said you wanted one since you were little.
Yeah, a pony.
She's only two.
Ah, she's catching up now.
MAN: No, she's running fifth.
DAVlD: Hey? - lt's a great-looking string, Harry.
- Thank you.
Ah, here we are.
Yes.
Um, l've got a few clients coming to Chester.
The firm's taking a box.
So, umwhat do you think of her chances? Oh, er, l'm not a betting man.
Oh, right.
Though, speaking of money Your account.
Yes.
Yes, of course.
Jolly good.
How much? - That is rather a lot, isn't it? - Didn't you know that when you bought her? Harry did mention the figure which l thought was per month.
lt turns out it's per week.
£200 per week.
That is £800 per month.
David, per year, that's lt doesn't bear thinking about.
Maybe l can sell it.
So, you're out for dinner.
First date.
Make conversation.
OK.
l like a girl that likes beer.
Pete! l find it hard to do deep stuff, you know.
OK.
Don't panic.
Films are always good.
Seems like chat, but reveals a lot about you.
OK.
Erwhat's your favourite film? The Piano.
You're joking? What a load of old bollocks that is.
Boring rubbish.
lt's a chick flick.
You're not serious, are you? No.
Crock of shit.
But l'm in character.
Well, don't be.
Just be yourself.
Right, what's your favourite film? You wouldn't know it.
Between The Lines.
You're joking! Jeff Goldblum works for an underground newspaper in Chicago.
- Boston.
- Oh The answer to the question whether rock and roll - .
.
is not, like some people claim, hither - .
.
but thither.
- Wow! - l can't believe it! Rachel, well, you know what a sore loser Pete is, despite the practice.
l won £24.
Hey, excuse me, you're the one on holiday.
l get the presents.
Anyway, l lost it all at the casino.
Ha, ha! Hee, hee! Whoo! ADAM: Was it fun? Well, she enjoyed it.
l didn't.
But don't worry, l will have fun before you get back.
Well, l'll have to.
Nothing.
No, no.
l didn't mean anything.
No.
PETE: Well l guess the only person l ever really loved was Jenny.
But hang on! l did have this massive thing for Samantha Fox.
Was she at school as well? - What? - Cultural differences.
Cheers.
Cheers.
So, how about you? That's good.
Act as if you're interested in them.
Women are suckers for that.
No, no, no.
l am interested.
Oh, sorry.
Not used to it.
- Um, what was the question? - OK.
How many times have you been in love before? Um, let me see.
Once.
And what happened? Oh, you know, the usual.
Scared of commitment.
- You or him? - We were engaged.
Hang on, l thought you said that he was scared Oh, he was.
He wouldn't set a date for the wedding.
So l gave him an ultimatum and he gave me the elbow.
lt's funny how things happen.
lt seems kind of surreal now.
That's why l came over to England, to get away from the lousy no-good bastard.
And is it working? (Doorbell) Well, Suggs is helping.
Hey, good session.
- l reckon you are ready for a road test.
- Oh.
l've got someone in mind, actually.
Here we are, angel.
Sit down, please.
Other one.
David, sell the horse.
Ten grand a year is a lot of money.
We could put Joshy through school for that.
Not that we want to, of course.
Anyway, it's your birthday present, darling.
l'm not going to sell it.
Well, l will accept shopping vouchers to the same value.
l just wanted it to be something we could share, you know.
The joy of victory as Lady Perfect romps home 1 0 furlongs clear.
You know this roulette? l don't understand it, you know.
One night you win.
And then, the next night, l lose everything.
You know with racing, David, with a good horse, you could make a killing, huh? l mean, do you think that this Lady Perfect is worth a bet? Not on your wages, no.
lf we have to pay the stabling for a few months, we won't be able to afford a bet, either.
l may have worked out a very clever way to offset some of those expenses.
Have a good day.
Now, like us, a number of firms will be having a box at the Chester races, but we have an opportunity to stand out from the crowd in a way which will reinforce .
.
the recognition of our company name, a positive image and client loyalty.
How? By having our own horse called DZQ lnternational.
Sporting the company colours, running in the 4:45, and, hopefully, joining us in the winners' enclosure.
How much? Thank you.
Thank you all very much for your time.
Oh, piss.
So, tonight, l thought, greyhound racing.
Er, can't go out tonight.
- Why not? - Busy.
- What doing? - Nothing.
- OK.
lt starts, l think, at 7:30.
- Look, l'm going out with Jo and Suggs.
- All right.
Let me nip home and get changed.
- You can't come, Adam.
Huh? Look, l've got a date.
Right? Jo's working this shift at the gym and there's this other aerobics instructor.
- She's set you up with an aerobics instructor? - Yep.
- Well, let me come.
- No.
- Oh, just for a minute.
l won't stay.
- No! Adam, l've got to get changed.
Pete! (Door opens) - Hi! Those idiots! They wouldn't even know a good opportunity if it you know, grabbed them by the mouth and French-kissed them.
Still, we might as well enjoy our day at Chester.
lf the damn horse does well, l suppose we can always sell it.
- What's for dinner? - You'll have to fend for yourself, darling.
- What? - l'm meeting with Mark to put the book to bed.
- l thought you had.
- lt just needs tucking in a bit.
But l won't be late.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(Sighs) ADAM: Oh, yes, l could get used to this! l'll just save the world and then we'll make love.
Check yourself in the mirror.
All in all, looking surprisingly appropriate.
Hello! My God, is she flirting? Oh, my gosh.
She is.
- She is! (Tyres screech) This is unbelievable! Nice car.
Yours, too.
- (Thinks) What are you saying? - l'm Deborah.
Max.
(Thinks) Max? Nice to meet you, Max.
My name's Max.
Holy God.
(Horn blares) (Suave) Hi, my name's Pete, what's your favourite film? No.
(Upbeat) Hi, my name's Pete, what's your favourite film? You're joking.
JO: Well, are you sure that's where you parked it? - Of course l am.
- lt's easy to forget.
l park it under a lamp so l can see it from my window before l go to bed and say good night.
- You say good night to your car? - Do l heck? - All right, Gif? - No, l'm not.
Someone's nicked my car.
Oh, bummer.
You reported it to the police? - Yeah, too bloody right l have.
- They'll be on the case.
What else can you do? Put it out of your mind, relax and enjoy yourself.
SUGGS: Hey.
- Here's Liz now.
Are you OK? - What's her favourite film? l don't know.
Ask her.
Just not straight away.
All right? Hi.
This is Pete.
Well, we did it.
You did extremely well.
And better than that, of course, you did it on time.
Yeah.
So, by a small way of thank you, Karen, l bought you this.
l thought l was getting paid.
lt's also a belated birthday present.
So, there you go.
Mark, that is toothat's too much.
Well, l thought it elegantly understated, myself.
l can't take that.
l don't understand.
Why not? Well, you wouldn't give that to one of your staff, would you? lf it was their birthday, then probablynot.
But you actually work much harder than them, so there you are.
That's not what this is about, though, is it? Karen, l like you.
We've got an awful lot in common.
And not just the old obvious.
And that's it.
What, that's it? No, no, that's notthat's not it.
No, this is really by way of an inducement, you see? l want you to work for me full-time.
Please.
- This is a disaster.
- Well, if you forget about your car for a minute.
lt's not my fault.
She brought it up.
- When? - Her favourite film.
Oh, yeah, Gone ln 60 Seconds.
- lt's shit.
- Pete, we're having a nice time.
- No, the film.
- Oh, yeah.
Can you have a lasting relationship with someone with completely different taste? Well, Suggs liked it.
PETE: Yeah, he did, didn't he? - l think l might just go home.
- Pete, don't do that.
What are you going to do there except stare out the window at where your car was? Yeah, you're right.
l probably wouldn't be able to sleep.
Come on.
Do you know l have one of your birthday presents in bed with me.
l hope this isn't a Godfather moment.
No, not the damned horse.
No.
The massage oil that Josh gave you.
l'm not actually sure l approve of our six-year-old son helping to spice up our sex life.
l'm sure that Josh would like us to be happy.
Hmm? Erm Excuse me, sir, but whose birthday present was this? Oh, just a bit, then l'll do you.
l should go.
Pussy, sit down.
Relax.
Sorry.
- l seem to be out of soda.
- That's OK.
l prefer it straight.
(Sighs) See you.
Do you know any other aerobics instructors? (Jo and Suggs laugh) - Well, there's Brian.
- Brian? Funny! My car.
Look, look, look, that's my car! My car! - Are you sure it's yours? - Course l'm sure.
How are you going to get in? With these.
- Are you going to steal it back? - Course l'm not going to steal it.
lt's mine.
You two, get in.
Oh, shite.
Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite.
Police? l'm having a nightmare.
- Do you chew gum? - No.
Well, the thief does.
Right, bag that for fingerprints.
And DNA.
Gifford, the police don't give a monkey's about stolen cars.
(Siren) So they're stopping us for you riding in the back? lt's illegal to carry passengers in the back.
WPC: Sir, look at this.
POLlCEMAN: That's interesting.
Apparently, this car's been stolen.
Yes, that's right, Officer.
l reported it.
Peter Gifford.
The name l've got here is Adam Williams.
Let's go down to the station, shall we? - Wanker! - Come on.
l would have told you.
- Bullshit! - Well, l might have.
Pete, l'm sorry, but if you'd lent it to me in the first place, this wouldn't have happened.
lf you hadn't nicked it, this wouldn't have happened.
- Will you tell him he's overreacting? - You did get it back safe and sound.
- Get out of it! Adam had no business stealing it.
- Stealing it! He only borrowed it.
- Right, like you borrowed my Faithless CD? - What? Look, there's no point you two falling out.
Right, we'll hear no more of this, OK? - Good man.
- Do you need a lift? - Yeah.
- Get the bus! Well, l must say, l hadn't expected an answer so quickly.
When do you want to start? l can't.
l'm not taking the job.
- ls it the money? - No.
The hours? You know, we can come to some form of an arrangement.
No.
lt's not that.
ls it me? lt's just too much of a commitment.
Right, you want an assistant.
That's easily managed.
- Gill, can you send - Mark! l just don't want the job.
OK? l'll shine on l wanna keep on Watching over you, my love Have you ever had a perfect moment? Hmm? You know, when everything seems just right.
When there's nothing in the world that anybody could do to make things better than they are.
You mean, apart from during sex? - l'm serious.
- So am l.
l don't know.
Um Pete said he had one when they were on holiday in France once.
lt was late in the afternoon.
You know, magic hour.
We were on this camping holiday, and it was terrible.
lt was awful.
Everyone had bad colds.
lt was freezing.
And then, l'm fast asleep and l hear pftttt! lt's little Adam.
He's had the squits.
And we've run out of nappies.
There's no shops nearby.
l come out of the tent and this incredible dawn is breaking.
Beautiful.
And then l hear a little giggle from inside the tent, which became laughter.
And it was little Adam.
And l'll never forget.
lt was just a perfect moment.
- That's it? - Yeah, that's it.
l like getting pissed.
What? We need to talk.
ANNOUNCER: Let's move on now to our fourth race, which is the Showcase Handicap.
- Come on! - Come on, come on, come on.
ADAM: Come on, get up there! - Go! Go! - Oh, yes.
Oh, yes! ADAM: Come on! Aww! - This is going to be an expensive afternoon.
- Tell me about it.
- Which race is Karen's in? - The last.
- ls that the race or where it'll finish? - Yeah, good point.
- Let's get a beer.
- Something we don't have to pay for! - Go on, you fool.
- Oh, shut up.
Ah, darling, l think it's going pretty well.
- Charles, Lisa.
So glad you could make it.
- Hello, David.
Hello, look out for my horse in the last race, Lady Perfect.
Right.
- My horse.
- Well, you know Joshy! Hello, darling.
Ramona.
Come and have a drink.
What do you fancy? ln the next race? l think maybe Velvet Runner.
He likes firm ground, he's good over this distance and is drawn on the inside.
Um You mean something to drink.
- Help yourself.
- Thank you.
Andy, so glad you could make it after all.
Come on in.
Darling, l think Lady Perfect is turning out to be a rather inspired present.
Nice-looking filly over there.
Yeah.
Carrying a few excess pounds, though.
And knows we're talking about her.
- Hiya, Jo.
- Hi.
Hi.
Where's Suggsy? He's ermhe's not coming.
Actually, we split up.
Oh.
Why? Well, it's no big deal.
(Laughs) Thank you.
Thanks very much.
(Sighs) Hello.
Hello.
Oh, you look a little surprised to see me.
No.
Well, yeah, actually.
l didn't know you were coming.
Your husband invited me.
He didn't say.
Geraldine not with you? No, no.
Horse racing, er Well, it's not really her bag.
You're wearing the necklace l bought you.
Yeah.
Hello.
Yeah, can we have £20 on number three, that's Velvet Runner, to win.
- £20, number three.
- Yeah.
Ticket, Joshy.
Thank you very much.
OK.
Come on, let's go get an ice cream.
So why did you split up, then? Oh, you know, l just figured we didn't actually have that much in common.
So what made you decide that? So, have you got your eye on anything? Oh, l don't know, the favourite.
- So you're up next? - Yeah.
Hey, listen, Mark, l think it would be better if you left.
- Why? ls it something l said? - No.
lt's just l think it would be better.
No, no, no.
l didn't come here for the racing, l didn't come here to network.
- l came here to see you.
- l know.
Karen, l think l'm falling in love with you.
Karen! Karen, darling, it's time to go.
- Hello, having a good time? - Yeah, very much.
Come on.
DAVlD: Right, down to the parade ring, everyone.
Ah, this is the life, Karen.
(Mutters prayer) - lt's only a race, Ramona.
- Yeah, for you, maybe.
There he is.
- Have you put your money on yet? - No, but l think we should go soon.
- The going should suit her.
- Good, good.
Right, let's have a look at her.
l'm so sorry! Are you all right? l do beg your pardon.
So sorry.
- God, l hope that wasn't ours.
- The favourite.
Not any more.
Ah, here she is! - l bet David's loving all this.
- Oh, yeah! Look, we're going to go and put our bets on.
- Yeah, put a tenner on for me.
- Are you not coming? No, no, l think l'll stay here.
Oh, right.
Come on, Joshy.
Hup.
Hoodlah-hi-ho.
Good luck.
- You all right? - Yeah, l'm fine.
Sorry, just a bit nervous.
Me too.
Come on, let's go and watch it with the others.
(Race commentator over tannoy) PETE: Here we go.
Here we go.
Come on, come on, Lady Perfect.
Ah! (Mutters) RAMONA: Come on! (They scream excitedly) Yes! We're going to win it! No, no, no No! Oh, my God! - Bad luck, bad luck, bad luck.
- Never mind.
Don't worry, darling.
Are you all right, Ramona? DAVlD: Just another two furlongs, she'd have got there.
Ramona.
Ramona, are you all right? No, it is not all right, David.
l needed to win.
Needed? How much have you lost? - l don't know, £500 or £600.
- You bet that much? No, not just betting.
Roulette, cards, everything.
Look, Adam took me to a casino, OK? - l got buggered by the beat.
- Sorry? B-B-Beaten by the bug? Oh, right.
Anyway, l need to win it back.
lt's all my savings.
Ramona, that's terrible.
l know.
But it's not Adam's fault, OK? lndeed, it's yours, but Look, Ramona, if you can promise me faithfully that you will never gamble again .
.
l will make good your losses.
Make good? - The money, yes.
- Oh.
Oh, David, that's wonderful.
- Thank you so much.
- Not at all.
Not at all.
You can pay me back £1 0 a week.
Oh.
- Harry.
- Mr Marsden, could l have a word? - Where's Jo? - Gone for a pee.
Ooh-ooh! - What's the matter with you? - Nothing.
- Eh? - Max? Max, l should have known you'd be into racing.
- l don't think l - His name's Adam.
- Adam? - Mmm.
l guess l must be thinking of someone else.
Yeah, probably.
lt wasn't you who came back to my flat the other night? No! Took me to bed and couldn't deliver the goods? No.
Drives a red MGB? Fine.
- l did not sleep with her.
- You were pissed! Couldn't deliver the goods.
l wasn't drunk.
l was driving.
Your car - that's what got me into trouble.
- Oh, so it's my fault now, is it? - No, no.
l was just trying to have a bit of fun.
- By shagging some bird.
- No.
Well Oh, here we go.
l'm going to be a father soon.
This was my last chance.
No-one need ever know.
lt's not like l'd see her again.
Ha! Good thinking.
So, what actually did happen? (Gasps) - Shall we leave the lights on? - Erno.
No.
- All right, l'll turn them off, then.
- No, no, l mean - l can't do this.
- Why not? Er l Oh ADAM: l could've, you know.
A big bit of me wanted to.
But l didn't.
Because l love Rachel.
Pure and simple.
l suppose l'm more of a Volvo driver than l thought.
Who'd ever have thought that you'd grow up? Excuse me.
Champagne or orange, madam? Champagne, please.
Thanks.
Karen, don't.
Just don't.
- Not here, not here, not here.
- Then where? Karen, there you are.
l've been looking for you everywhere.
Excuse me, Mark, sorry, could we have a moment? Erno.
Yeah, l'm sorry.
Of course.
Karen, l've got some rather bad news.
Lady Perfect has gone lame.
Now, she won't have to be put down.
Although that, of course, would be the cheapest option.
No, no, we'll keep her.
ln a field.
OK? lt'll be cheaper than a racing stables.
Look, l know it's upsetting, darling.
l'm sorry.
This isn't quite the day we'd been hoping for, is it? No.
- l wish Adam'd hurry up.
- Yeah.
- Pete? - Yeah.
Do you think you could give me a lift home? l'm sorry.
l promised Adam a lift.
l can only take .
.
one passenger.
- Sorry.
- No worries, no worries.
OK.
- Look, um - Yeah? Do you want to go to a movie tonight? What are we doing? Practising for my next date? Actually, l was thinking it could be your next date.
OK.
- All set? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Adamcould you get a bus?