Comic Book Men s04e02 Episode Script
Walt's Treehouse
(Theme music playing) Pretty safe bet to say that Batman's one of the most popular superheroes ever, right? Both: Yeah.
Let's take a little vote.
Should Batman kill? I've always marveled at his ability to hold back.
- So no kill.
- No kill.
- Mike? - He has killed before, so Who? He he let the Joker die.
Well, the Joker didn't die, but he didn't do anything to save the Joker when the Joker killed Robin.
- Mike, yes or no? - [Laughter.]
- Yes, he should kill, yes.
- Yes? Wow, Mike, - going out on a limb here.
- Wow.
I think he should too, because if I was Batman, I would be pissed at whoever's in charge of these jails.
I'd be like, would you stop letting them out, for Christ's sakes? What do I have to do? Do I got to kill 'em? [Laughter.]
- I guess I got to kill 'em.
- Yeah.
[Laughter.]
[Heroic music.]
[Laughs.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, the only show that got a clean bill of health from Doctor Who, doctor fate, doctor strange, and doctor doom.
- I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
- All right, man, you sling comics for a living.
It's hard work.
Tell me about it.
One of the things I often fantasize about is losing my memory and rediscovering comic books again.
Mm.
Hi.
What can I do for you? - Hi, how are you? - Good.
I'm looking to piece together Frank Miller's the Dark Knight Returns.
- Really? - Yes.
Are you a Batman fan? Brand new to it, but yes, I am.
Oh, a newbie, huh? Excellent.
Excellent choice, Frank Miller's Dark Knight.
Yes.
The greatest Batman story maybe ever told.
He's 55, still kicking butt.
- Oh, you've read it? - I've read it.
- Oh, okay.
- It's my first one I've read.
What happened was, my boyfriend let me borrow a copy.
- Okay.
- So now I want my own.
I think we do have a set of Dark Knight Returns, - don't we? - Yeah, I'll go grab it.
This is great.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited.
- Yeah, so cool.
- It's not the trade.
- Okay.
- All four individual issues.
Great, that's exactly what I was looking for.
[Laughs.]
Oh, you see that? I heard some chuckles back there.
[Girls laughing.]
Your friends are giggling at your passion for Batman.
Yeah, we have some nonbelievers in the back.
I had to drag them here on our way to New York City, - but - Are you girls totally like, - "O-M-G, she's a nerd"? - [Laughter.]
I don't think your friends realize that this set right here is Batman: The dark knight returns parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 in the original comic book form, first prints.
- Oh, my gosh.
- First print, I don't now you realize that, you're - [Laughter.]
- Much more impressed, right? - No, I see smiles here.
- I see smiles, I love it.
What first prints means is that these came out in 1986.
Oh, that was a good year, the year we graduated.
Older than us.
[Laughter.]
That type of Doe-Eyed neophyte to the world of comics is quite like who I was when we first started hanging out, and you handed me a copy of the dark knight returns, and I came back the next day like I'd been baptized.
[Laughter.]
Oh, man, I cannot tell you how excited I am for you, because this is just a doorway into a new world of adventure, action, intrigue.
- Less friends.
- [Laughter.]
So none of your friends are into comics? - Not particularly.
- [Laughter.]
I mean, you guys aren't into comics.
What are you into? - What are you into, Adrienne? - Drinking.
[Laughter.]
- Just definitely not comics.
- [Laughter.]
- Oh! Oh.
- [Laughter.]
She was actually a pretty brave newbie.
She was taking a stand, you know? She was putting that freak flag right in the ground and saying, "I'm here and I'm proud.
" So all her friends wanted to get drunk, but she was like, "it's Miller time.
" Oh! [Laughter.]
- Na-a-a-a.
- [Laughter.]
See, Frank Miller, he wrote the dark knight returns.
You guys are nerds.
[Laughter.]
I mean, I don't want to keep your friends here.
Looks like they're ready to get to New York.
All: Yeah.
- I'm gonna have an ear load on the way back.
This is a great first pick.
So just ring it up? You're all set? Yup, I'm all set.
60's great.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Now we have to get back on the road.
Enjoy New York, girls.
Don't have too much fun.
We have sights to go see.
We will.
I don't know about these guys, - but - [Laughter.]
- Enjoy, bye.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, guys.
- See you guys later.
- Gentlemen, how are you today? - How you been? - Holy mackerel.
- What's going on? Hey, how are you, buddy? Good to see you again.
You remember this guy, right? Wow.
Look at this.
What is all this crap? This is the G.
I.
Joe U.
S.
S.
Flagg.
Oh, my God, that's right.
You're a doctor, right? - Yeah.
- That's right, I remember you.
So, yeah, doc had come in with one of the few toys I had not gotten to play with as a kid.
So your rosebud of toys.
Yes, that's a perfect analogy.
This man has just brought in the creme de la creme of toys.
Hey, boys, come back here and check out what we built.
Gaze upon perfection.
This man has just brought in The Planet Of The Apes Treehouse, the creme de la creme of toys.
The numero uno at the top of every young boy's list.
Look at that face on that kid.
I mean, that's every boy in America in 1974, right? If they got it.
[Laughter.]
That's you? You actually cracked a smile in the '70s? [Laughter.]
'Cause I can't see it.
Oh, I was cracking smiles in the '70s, but unfortunately, I wasn't this boy.
I had a childhood filled with toys and everything I put on my Christmas list I usually got.
I was a good kid.
Santa was very good to me, but for whatever reason, this is the one toy that I never got as a kid that I wanted.
Never was able to get it, though.
This was the Barbie dream house of boy toys.
Like, you'd look at the girls who had the Barbie dream house, you're like, "how come we don't get anything like that?" They gave us the Mego Batcave, but they also gave us the Mego Planet Of The Apes Treehouse.
Oh, it was sweet.
And it comes in a massive box.
I mean, it comes in a box that just screams my parents love me.
[Laughter.]
I assume you're here to sell it, but why on earth are you here to sell this today? You know, I've had this for a couple years now, and it's time to make some room for some new things.
A couple of my buddies and I are going down to seaside heights this weekend, so I figure I'd get a couple of cash dollars in the pocket.
Huh, you're selling this for beer money? [Laughter.]
You're a doctor, for Christ's sakes.
What, have you lost your license since the last time we say you? [Laughter.]
You're gonna lose this for a weekend of, like, debauchery on at seaside heights? No, I remember last year when I came in and I had the U.
S.
S.
Flagg aircraft carrier, ming was, you know, so excited about that thing, and it was cool putting it together with him.
Now, you know, this, I figured this is something that you would relate to.
I remember talking to you on the side last year about how you like Megos and the different figures, and you know, what's a figure without a play set? - Oh, so you have figures too? - Yeah, they're all inside.
Would you mind if we popped it open, kind of set it up, you know make sure it's all working order.
I think that's fair.
This is one of those moments, to make this happen.
- [Laughter.]
- That's good.
So it's painfully obvious to the doc and everybody else, apparently, in the room, that I definitely want this.
But I want to make sure all the pieces are there.
I want to make sure it's a working Treehouse, the elevator, you know, everything's in working condition, and the doc let me put it together.
Ohh.
Oh, man, I've spent my whole lifetime waiting for this moment, I think.
Well, here it is.
[Sighs.]
- You mind if I do the honors? - All yours.
Now, do you need the instructions - to put this sucker together? - Eh, I mean, you know, we could figure it out over time.
- Oh.
- It's pretty simple.
I mean, the apes did it.
Perfect.
We make a good team, bro.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
These here.
Doc and Walt sittin' in a tree.
- [Laughs.]
- "Hey, doc, let's play A-P-E.
" [Laughter.]
- Ohh.
- Oh, there they are.
The little furry cuffs.
I told my mom, man, I was just like, "mom, can you make furry cuffs for all my shirts?" When I was going to school.
Thank God she didn't do it.
[Laughs.]
- That's it.
- It's good.
Final piece, huh? - This is a great play set.
- Oh, man.
It's the best play set.
They've never been able to top it in all these years.
What a piece of crap.
[Both laughing.]
Seriously.
Hey, boys, come back here and check out what we built.
Gaze upon perfection.
Huh? - Oh, this is it? - This is it, man.
It does seem a little meager in appearance.
- It's very bare bones.
- They were apes.
They weren't interior decorators.
[Laughter.]
All right, doc, Treehouse - Treehouse.
- With the three figures.
What are you looking to get for it? - Really? - Comes with the box.
After the afternoon we just spent together? Original box.
'Cause again, remember, kids would assemble it, throw the box away, so this is really what makes it a complete set.
I consider us friends, so I can say this without insulting you.
Would you take 250 for it? It's not an insult, I'm not Ooh.
- Oh, it was that bad? - Yeah.
[Laughter.]
I'm insulted, it's not even mine.
[Laughter.]
How about this, 335, and you throw in Come on, man.
Um Yeah.
Done.
Thank you, brother.
Is the magic still there? I mean, what are you gonna do with it now? I can't lie, the magic is still there.
I mean, I don't even have to play with it.
I just look at it in the box and it does something.
It must have been very magical when your wife was like, "put that crap back in the box and get it in the garage.
" [Laughter.]
Ghost of Christmas past here.
I got a gift for you.
Oh, my God.
This is what screams Christmas to me.
It's kind of nice to see the Apes franchise make a return.
You know, it was a big part of our childhood.
So what's your favorite ape movie.
I'm gonna go with escape from the planet of the apes.
I'm with you.
- Are you? - Oh, I love that movie.
I think probably the most dramatic, strongest of the franchise, and the most Sci-Fi-Ish, in as much as they do travel back through time, but to our present.
Oh, I love that movie.
What about you, Mike? I love beneath the planet of the apes.
- Ohh.
- Not the most popular.
- Second in the franchise.
- Yes.
And they change the leading man right off the top.
What about you, ming? What is your favorite of the O.
G.
Ape franchise? I got to go with the first one.
The first one that started it all.
I thought heston was great.
It had all the iconic lines.
It started off everything.
What about you? Favorite ape movie? - Mm, Congo.
- [Laughter.]
Anytime I get to see apes committing mass suicide, like, by jumping in lava, I'm there.
- You like, "Amy sad.
" - [Laughter.]
Doctor Frankenstein is gonna create Frankenstein's monster 2.
0, but he only has three corpses to work with.
Let's say they're us.
What part of your body do you think makes the cut? All right, well, I mean, I work out.
I got a nice lower body.
I got nice glutes.
- [Scoffs.]
- I got what? - Really? - Yeah, like, you know, the glutes.
- It's better than yours.
- It's it's better - than mine - Yeah.
But I don't know if it's Frankenstein worthy.
[Laughter.]
All right, then where are you going? - Where's your perfect - I mean, come on, I think it's pretty obvious.
They're only using one part of my body.
I think I'm the brains of the outfit.
He's gonna be a wheelin' dealin' negotiating machine, this new monster.
A wheelin' dealin' machine with a nice ass so far.
[Laughter.]
That's what we got.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? - Hey, how you doing? - What's going on? Ghost of Christmas past here.
I got a gift for you.
Oh, my God! This is the Rudolph: The Island of Misfit Toys action figure collection.
I remember the figures came out separately, but I've never seen them in this kind of display before.
It was a wholesale club exclusive, whole set, all together, released in 2001.
This is what screams Christmas to me from my childhood.
It's not a Christmas tree.
It's not Santa Claus.
It's these little Clay creatures.
- It's this little Santa Claus.
- [Laughter.]
Well, yeah, it's this Santa claus.
If I missed even a minute of this 'cause remember, watching this back when I was a kid, - there was no VCRs.
- Yeah.
There was no DVR where you could rewind it if you got in late or had to go to the bathroom.
- Right.
- You had one shot.
If you missed it, Christmas was basically ruined.
I remember, one year I missed it, I immediately turned Jewish right afterwards.
- [Laughter.]
- I was like, "what's the point?" The original must see TV, man.
'Cause kids, we didn't have instant and streamings and the "facebookings" and twitters.
[Laughter.]
Only had one chance and that was it, and so you waited, and when they announced like, you'd look through TV guide as Christmas got closer.
What's TV guide? Yeah, the kids are like, "you lost me, old man.
" [Laughter.]
"What's Christmas?" [Laughter.]
I have to ask you, 'cause I can't figure it out for the life of me.
Why are you bringing it in here today to sell it? Gotta start clearing stuff out.
I got this man cave, huge man cave of shelves and shelves of stuff.
This doesn't have any place? There is no room for Christmas in this man cave! Well, you know, I got the Transformers, I got the Joes.
You know, '80s, come on, '80s.
Oh, my God, I'm so sick of that, Transformers and G.
I.
Joe.
Like, what what about this made it so magical? Like, I like it, but I don't I'm not frothing at the mouth.
I don't if I miss it, eh.
It's pure bliss in Clay.
It's pre-computers.
It's all done by hand.
It's all done with the absolute most Attention to detail, love, and care.
This, this is more powerful than anything that G.
I.
Joe ever brought to the screen.
I don't know about that.
Or Transformers.
These don't transform into anything, they just sit there.
They transform a boy into a man! - Oh, okay.
- [Laughter.]
- Can we fire him? - Yes.
- He he appreciates nothing.
- [Laughs.]
This is the classics, kid.
Stop motion was the original C.
G.
- Yeah, but I - I mean, look at it, it's so stiff and just it's cheesy.
- You're burying yourself.
- It just doesn't look good.
- Just admit it.
- Keep digging.
Go outside after this.
What, are you fight him? You're like, - "oh, let's take this outside.
" - [Laughter.]
"You like Rudolph!" He's like, "yeah, yeah, yeah, there's something special about him.
" - Quick, take a picture.
Take a picture.
- [Laughter.]
Well, obviously, you got me over a little bit of a barrel here.
You know I love it, so how much do you want for it? Thinking 150.
I guess I shouldn't have said I loved it, huh? A negotiating machine.
So far we're back to just having a nice ass - [Slapping.]
- Hey! On that monster.
[Laughter.]
Would you take 75 for it? Let's meet in the middle? 90 bucks? You're on.
I think that's fair, 90 bucks.
- $90.
- Excellent.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you, sir.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
Are you excited? This is like Christmas - right now? - Eh, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I feel like I want to do some holiday shopping, decorate some trees, put some lights on my house.
Yeah, yeah, maybe we could hang some mistletoe above us.
- [Laughs.]
- What is wrong with you? It's cool with Mike.
[Laughter.]
Hey, you guys like superhero battles? That's the only battles we like.
Got something you might be interested in.
Wow, man, this is unbelievable.
Where did you get this? If you guys could take any technology from any Sci-Hi TV show or movie can't use it to benefit yourself, you've got to use it to help humanity which piece of technology would you take? I'd use the Tardis to time travel back to Ford's Theatre, and I'd save Lincoln, and I'd kill John Wilkes booth.
Somebody's always going back in time to kill - "I want to kill somebody.
" - Yeah, - they're gonna kill somebody.
- [Laughs.]
"I want to go back in time to Ford's Theatre, totally stick out like a sore thumb.
" Have you ever even shot a gun? You'd probably miss him.
You'd probably hit Mary Todd Lincoln.
Ohh.
How you doing? Hey, you guys like superhero battles? - No.
- [Scoffs.]
- No? - That's all we d that's the only battles we like.
I got something you might be interested in.
It's Marvel's greatest superhero battle book.
- I remember that book, man.
- Great book.
Very fond of it.
So you got some signatures on here, huh? No way.
Is that Jack Kirby's signature? That is Jack Kirby's signature.
- And Stan Lee? - Of course.
And John Romita.
That's amazing.
- Wow.
- God, man, this is unbelievable.
Where did you get this? I got it from my grandfather.
He unfortunately passed away.
He left it to me.
Jack Kirby's signature on anything is amazing.
- That's pretty big.
- Yeah.
Jack Kirby was the guy, along with Stan, who created the foundation for everything that people are digging on today, right? That's absolutely true.
The Avengers.
Yeah, he was there.
X-Men, he's the first artist to ever draw the X-Men.
Fantastic Four, Hulk, I mean, the list is endless.
You know, there's a reason nobody will ever call themselves "king" - other than Jack Kirby, right? - Mm.
It's true, they call him Jack "king" Kirby in comics, and there's been no other, like, "the new king," or, like, "he's been gone a while so how 'bout this guy's now king?" Nobody's ever replaced him.
I've written comics.
I think I'm gonna go by Bry "the king" Johnson from now on.
[Laughter.]
What's your favorite superhero battle? Has to be Spider-Man versus Punisher, man.
- Really? - Punisher is my he's my guy.
I would think that Spider-Man would mop him up - ten out of ten times.
- He would, [laughter.]
He would.
Do you think that book lived up to its name? You're questioning some of the stories they chose to be in the greatest battles? Uh, I remember, wasn't there, like, a kingpin versus I can't remember no, it was X-Men versus The Blob.
Is it the same blob from the Steve McQueen movie? No, different blob.
The X-Men's villain blob, whose power is to be fat.
I'm not gonna go by "the king.
" [Laughter.]
I just thought of a new name for myself.
[Laughter.]
- Why you looking to sell it? - I want to go to film school.
Yeah? Okay, all right.
We may be able to help you out today.
What are you looking to get for it? About 750.
So you're thinking about community theater? [Laughs.]
Or maybe just going to see a movie.
[Laughter.]
I mean, I could offer you 300.
- That's a little low for me.
- All right, how much more? I know it's still asking a lot.
Yeah, It is.
I could do 350.
- You can't do 450.
- Yeah, it's still more than it's still more than I think the book is worth.
I think 350 is the best I can do today.
- I'm gonna have to remain - Firm on that? - Steadfast on that one.
- That's a little low for me.
- All right, man, well - Thank you, man.
Good luck with the film career, man.
Thank you, man.
All right.
- Nice meeting you guys.
- All right.
Damn.
- Jack Kirby, though, man.
- I know.
- Kills you to let it go.
- Sure does.
Does it ever bother you that your staff spends half their time in, like, a daze and need to regain their senses just because a comic book came in? - [Laughter.]
- I would be disappointed if they didn't behave that way.
I know, like, six knees buckling at once.
[Laughter.]
Oh, your knees buckled too, buddy.
- I'm fat, my - [Laughter.]
My knees can't handle my carriage.
Oh, man! And that's gonna wrap it up for another edition of Comic Book Men.
- I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
Ming Chen.
Remember kids always keep your stinkin' paws off your damn dirty ape.
Good night.
Let's take a little vote.
Should Batman kill? I've always marveled at his ability to hold back.
- So no kill.
- No kill.
- Mike? - He has killed before, so Who? He he let the Joker die.
Well, the Joker didn't die, but he didn't do anything to save the Joker when the Joker killed Robin.
- Mike, yes or no? - [Laughter.]
- Yes, he should kill, yes.
- Yes? Wow, Mike, - going out on a limb here.
- Wow.
I think he should too, because if I was Batman, I would be pissed at whoever's in charge of these jails.
I'd be like, would you stop letting them out, for Christ's sakes? What do I have to do? Do I got to kill 'em? [Laughter.]
- I guess I got to kill 'em.
- Yeah.
[Laughter.]
[Heroic music.]
[Laughs.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, the only show that got a clean bill of health from Doctor Who, doctor fate, doctor strange, and doctor doom.
- I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
- All right, man, you sling comics for a living.
It's hard work.
Tell me about it.
One of the things I often fantasize about is losing my memory and rediscovering comic books again.
Mm.
Hi.
What can I do for you? - Hi, how are you? - Good.
I'm looking to piece together Frank Miller's the Dark Knight Returns.
- Really? - Yes.
Are you a Batman fan? Brand new to it, but yes, I am.
Oh, a newbie, huh? Excellent.
Excellent choice, Frank Miller's Dark Knight.
Yes.
The greatest Batman story maybe ever told.
He's 55, still kicking butt.
- Oh, you've read it? - I've read it.
- Oh, okay.
- It's my first one I've read.
What happened was, my boyfriend let me borrow a copy.
- Okay.
- So now I want my own.
I think we do have a set of Dark Knight Returns, - don't we? - Yeah, I'll go grab it.
This is great.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited.
- Yeah, so cool.
- It's not the trade.
- Okay.
- All four individual issues.
Great, that's exactly what I was looking for.
[Laughs.]
Oh, you see that? I heard some chuckles back there.
[Girls laughing.]
Your friends are giggling at your passion for Batman.
Yeah, we have some nonbelievers in the back.
I had to drag them here on our way to New York City, - but - Are you girls totally like, - "O-M-G, she's a nerd"? - [Laughter.]
I don't think your friends realize that this set right here is Batman: The dark knight returns parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 in the original comic book form, first prints.
- Oh, my gosh.
- First print, I don't now you realize that, you're - [Laughter.]
- Much more impressed, right? - No, I see smiles here.
- I see smiles, I love it.
What first prints means is that these came out in 1986.
Oh, that was a good year, the year we graduated.
Older than us.
[Laughter.]
That type of Doe-Eyed neophyte to the world of comics is quite like who I was when we first started hanging out, and you handed me a copy of the dark knight returns, and I came back the next day like I'd been baptized.
[Laughter.]
Oh, man, I cannot tell you how excited I am for you, because this is just a doorway into a new world of adventure, action, intrigue.
- Less friends.
- [Laughter.]
So none of your friends are into comics? - Not particularly.
- [Laughter.]
I mean, you guys aren't into comics.
What are you into? - What are you into, Adrienne? - Drinking.
[Laughter.]
- Just definitely not comics.
- [Laughter.]
- Oh! Oh.
- [Laughter.]
She was actually a pretty brave newbie.
She was taking a stand, you know? She was putting that freak flag right in the ground and saying, "I'm here and I'm proud.
" So all her friends wanted to get drunk, but she was like, "it's Miller time.
" Oh! [Laughter.]
- Na-a-a-a.
- [Laughter.]
See, Frank Miller, he wrote the dark knight returns.
You guys are nerds.
[Laughter.]
I mean, I don't want to keep your friends here.
Looks like they're ready to get to New York.
All: Yeah.
- I'm gonna have an ear load on the way back.
This is a great first pick.
So just ring it up? You're all set? Yup, I'm all set.
60's great.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Now we have to get back on the road.
Enjoy New York, girls.
Don't have too much fun.
We have sights to go see.
We will.
I don't know about these guys, - but - [Laughter.]
- Enjoy, bye.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, guys.
- See you guys later.
- Gentlemen, how are you today? - How you been? - Holy mackerel.
- What's going on? Hey, how are you, buddy? Good to see you again.
You remember this guy, right? Wow.
Look at this.
What is all this crap? This is the G.
I.
Joe U.
S.
S.
Flagg.
Oh, my God, that's right.
You're a doctor, right? - Yeah.
- That's right, I remember you.
So, yeah, doc had come in with one of the few toys I had not gotten to play with as a kid.
So your rosebud of toys.
Yes, that's a perfect analogy.
This man has just brought in the creme de la creme of toys.
Hey, boys, come back here and check out what we built.
Gaze upon perfection.
This man has just brought in The Planet Of The Apes Treehouse, the creme de la creme of toys.
The numero uno at the top of every young boy's list.
Look at that face on that kid.
I mean, that's every boy in America in 1974, right? If they got it.
[Laughter.]
That's you? You actually cracked a smile in the '70s? [Laughter.]
'Cause I can't see it.
Oh, I was cracking smiles in the '70s, but unfortunately, I wasn't this boy.
I had a childhood filled with toys and everything I put on my Christmas list I usually got.
I was a good kid.
Santa was very good to me, but for whatever reason, this is the one toy that I never got as a kid that I wanted.
Never was able to get it, though.
This was the Barbie dream house of boy toys.
Like, you'd look at the girls who had the Barbie dream house, you're like, "how come we don't get anything like that?" They gave us the Mego Batcave, but they also gave us the Mego Planet Of The Apes Treehouse.
Oh, it was sweet.
And it comes in a massive box.
I mean, it comes in a box that just screams my parents love me.
[Laughter.]
I assume you're here to sell it, but why on earth are you here to sell this today? You know, I've had this for a couple years now, and it's time to make some room for some new things.
A couple of my buddies and I are going down to seaside heights this weekend, so I figure I'd get a couple of cash dollars in the pocket.
Huh, you're selling this for beer money? [Laughter.]
You're a doctor, for Christ's sakes.
What, have you lost your license since the last time we say you? [Laughter.]
You're gonna lose this for a weekend of, like, debauchery on at seaside heights? No, I remember last year when I came in and I had the U.
S.
S.
Flagg aircraft carrier, ming was, you know, so excited about that thing, and it was cool putting it together with him.
Now, you know, this, I figured this is something that you would relate to.
I remember talking to you on the side last year about how you like Megos and the different figures, and you know, what's a figure without a play set? - Oh, so you have figures too? - Yeah, they're all inside.
Would you mind if we popped it open, kind of set it up, you know make sure it's all working order.
I think that's fair.
This is one of those moments, to make this happen.
- [Laughter.]
- That's good.
So it's painfully obvious to the doc and everybody else, apparently, in the room, that I definitely want this.
But I want to make sure all the pieces are there.
I want to make sure it's a working Treehouse, the elevator, you know, everything's in working condition, and the doc let me put it together.
Ohh.
Oh, man, I've spent my whole lifetime waiting for this moment, I think.
Well, here it is.
[Sighs.]
- You mind if I do the honors? - All yours.
Now, do you need the instructions - to put this sucker together? - Eh, I mean, you know, we could figure it out over time.
- Oh.
- It's pretty simple.
I mean, the apes did it.
Perfect.
We make a good team, bro.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
These here.
Doc and Walt sittin' in a tree.
- [Laughs.]
- "Hey, doc, let's play A-P-E.
" [Laughter.]
- Ohh.
- Oh, there they are.
The little furry cuffs.
I told my mom, man, I was just like, "mom, can you make furry cuffs for all my shirts?" When I was going to school.
Thank God she didn't do it.
[Laughs.]
- That's it.
- It's good.
Final piece, huh? - This is a great play set.
- Oh, man.
It's the best play set.
They've never been able to top it in all these years.
What a piece of crap.
[Both laughing.]
Seriously.
Hey, boys, come back here and check out what we built.
Gaze upon perfection.
Huh? - Oh, this is it? - This is it, man.
It does seem a little meager in appearance.
- It's very bare bones.
- They were apes.
They weren't interior decorators.
[Laughter.]
All right, doc, Treehouse - Treehouse.
- With the three figures.
What are you looking to get for it? - Really? - Comes with the box.
After the afternoon we just spent together? Original box.
'Cause again, remember, kids would assemble it, throw the box away, so this is really what makes it a complete set.
I consider us friends, so I can say this without insulting you.
Would you take 250 for it? It's not an insult, I'm not Ooh.
- Oh, it was that bad? - Yeah.
[Laughter.]
I'm insulted, it's not even mine.
[Laughter.]
How about this, 335, and you throw in Come on, man.
Um Yeah.
Done.
Thank you, brother.
Is the magic still there? I mean, what are you gonna do with it now? I can't lie, the magic is still there.
I mean, I don't even have to play with it.
I just look at it in the box and it does something.
It must have been very magical when your wife was like, "put that crap back in the box and get it in the garage.
" [Laughter.]
Ghost of Christmas past here.
I got a gift for you.
Oh, my God.
This is what screams Christmas to me.
It's kind of nice to see the Apes franchise make a return.
You know, it was a big part of our childhood.
So what's your favorite ape movie.
I'm gonna go with escape from the planet of the apes.
I'm with you.
- Are you? - Oh, I love that movie.
I think probably the most dramatic, strongest of the franchise, and the most Sci-Fi-Ish, in as much as they do travel back through time, but to our present.
Oh, I love that movie.
What about you, Mike? I love beneath the planet of the apes.
- Ohh.
- Not the most popular.
- Second in the franchise.
- Yes.
And they change the leading man right off the top.
What about you, ming? What is your favorite of the O.
G.
Ape franchise? I got to go with the first one.
The first one that started it all.
I thought heston was great.
It had all the iconic lines.
It started off everything.
What about you? Favorite ape movie? - Mm, Congo.
- [Laughter.]
Anytime I get to see apes committing mass suicide, like, by jumping in lava, I'm there.
- You like, "Amy sad.
" - [Laughter.]
Doctor Frankenstein is gonna create Frankenstein's monster 2.
0, but he only has three corpses to work with.
Let's say they're us.
What part of your body do you think makes the cut? All right, well, I mean, I work out.
I got a nice lower body.
I got nice glutes.
- [Scoffs.]
- I got what? - Really? - Yeah, like, you know, the glutes.
- It's better than yours.
- It's it's better - than mine - Yeah.
But I don't know if it's Frankenstein worthy.
[Laughter.]
All right, then where are you going? - Where's your perfect - I mean, come on, I think it's pretty obvious.
They're only using one part of my body.
I think I'm the brains of the outfit.
He's gonna be a wheelin' dealin' negotiating machine, this new monster.
A wheelin' dealin' machine with a nice ass so far.
[Laughter.]
That's what we got.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? - Hey, how you doing? - What's going on? Ghost of Christmas past here.
I got a gift for you.
Oh, my God! This is the Rudolph: The Island of Misfit Toys action figure collection.
I remember the figures came out separately, but I've never seen them in this kind of display before.
It was a wholesale club exclusive, whole set, all together, released in 2001.
This is what screams Christmas to me from my childhood.
It's not a Christmas tree.
It's not Santa Claus.
It's these little Clay creatures.
- It's this little Santa Claus.
- [Laughter.]
Well, yeah, it's this Santa claus.
If I missed even a minute of this 'cause remember, watching this back when I was a kid, - there was no VCRs.
- Yeah.
There was no DVR where you could rewind it if you got in late or had to go to the bathroom.
- Right.
- You had one shot.
If you missed it, Christmas was basically ruined.
I remember, one year I missed it, I immediately turned Jewish right afterwards.
- [Laughter.]
- I was like, "what's the point?" The original must see TV, man.
'Cause kids, we didn't have instant and streamings and the "facebookings" and twitters.
[Laughter.]
Only had one chance and that was it, and so you waited, and when they announced like, you'd look through TV guide as Christmas got closer.
What's TV guide? Yeah, the kids are like, "you lost me, old man.
" [Laughter.]
"What's Christmas?" [Laughter.]
I have to ask you, 'cause I can't figure it out for the life of me.
Why are you bringing it in here today to sell it? Gotta start clearing stuff out.
I got this man cave, huge man cave of shelves and shelves of stuff.
This doesn't have any place? There is no room for Christmas in this man cave! Well, you know, I got the Transformers, I got the Joes.
You know, '80s, come on, '80s.
Oh, my God, I'm so sick of that, Transformers and G.
I.
Joe.
Like, what what about this made it so magical? Like, I like it, but I don't I'm not frothing at the mouth.
I don't if I miss it, eh.
It's pure bliss in Clay.
It's pre-computers.
It's all done by hand.
It's all done with the absolute most Attention to detail, love, and care.
This, this is more powerful than anything that G.
I.
Joe ever brought to the screen.
I don't know about that.
Or Transformers.
These don't transform into anything, they just sit there.
They transform a boy into a man! - Oh, okay.
- [Laughter.]
- Can we fire him? - Yes.
- He he appreciates nothing.
- [Laughs.]
This is the classics, kid.
Stop motion was the original C.
G.
- Yeah, but I - I mean, look at it, it's so stiff and just it's cheesy.
- You're burying yourself.
- It just doesn't look good.
- Just admit it.
- Keep digging.
Go outside after this.
What, are you fight him? You're like, - "oh, let's take this outside.
" - [Laughter.]
"You like Rudolph!" He's like, "yeah, yeah, yeah, there's something special about him.
" - Quick, take a picture.
Take a picture.
- [Laughter.]
Well, obviously, you got me over a little bit of a barrel here.
You know I love it, so how much do you want for it? Thinking 150.
I guess I shouldn't have said I loved it, huh? A negotiating machine.
So far we're back to just having a nice ass - [Slapping.]
- Hey! On that monster.
[Laughter.]
Would you take 75 for it? Let's meet in the middle? 90 bucks? You're on.
I think that's fair, 90 bucks.
- $90.
- Excellent.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you, sir.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
Are you excited? This is like Christmas - right now? - Eh, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I feel like I want to do some holiday shopping, decorate some trees, put some lights on my house.
Yeah, yeah, maybe we could hang some mistletoe above us.
- [Laughs.]
- What is wrong with you? It's cool with Mike.
[Laughter.]
Hey, you guys like superhero battles? That's the only battles we like.
Got something you might be interested in.
Wow, man, this is unbelievable.
Where did you get this? If you guys could take any technology from any Sci-Hi TV show or movie can't use it to benefit yourself, you've got to use it to help humanity which piece of technology would you take? I'd use the Tardis to time travel back to Ford's Theatre, and I'd save Lincoln, and I'd kill John Wilkes booth.
Somebody's always going back in time to kill - "I want to kill somebody.
" - Yeah, - they're gonna kill somebody.
- [Laughs.]
"I want to go back in time to Ford's Theatre, totally stick out like a sore thumb.
" Have you ever even shot a gun? You'd probably miss him.
You'd probably hit Mary Todd Lincoln.
Ohh.
How you doing? Hey, you guys like superhero battles? - No.
- [Scoffs.]
- No? - That's all we d that's the only battles we like.
I got something you might be interested in.
It's Marvel's greatest superhero battle book.
- I remember that book, man.
- Great book.
Very fond of it.
So you got some signatures on here, huh? No way.
Is that Jack Kirby's signature? That is Jack Kirby's signature.
- And Stan Lee? - Of course.
And John Romita.
That's amazing.
- Wow.
- God, man, this is unbelievable.
Where did you get this? I got it from my grandfather.
He unfortunately passed away.
He left it to me.
Jack Kirby's signature on anything is amazing.
- That's pretty big.
- Yeah.
Jack Kirby was the guy, along with Stan, who created the foundation for everything that people are digging on today, right? That's absolutely true.
The Avengers.
Yeah, he was there.
X-Men, he's the first artist to ever draw the X-Men.
Fantastic Four, Hulk, I mean, the list is endless.
You know, there's a reason nobody will ever call themselves "king" - other than Jack Kirby, right? - Mm.
It's true, they call him Jack "king" Kirby in comics, and there's been no other, like, "the new king," or, like, "he's been gone a while so how 'bout this guy's now king?" Nobody's ever replaced him.
I've written comics.
I think I'm gonna go by Bry "the king" Johnson from now on.
[Laughter.]
What's your favorite superhero battle? Has to be Spider-Man versus Punisher, man.
- Really? - Punisher is my he's my guy.
I would think that Spider-Man would mop him up - ten out of ten times.
- He would, [laughter.]
He would.
Do you think that book lived up to its name? You're questioning some of the stories they chose to be in the greatest battles? Uh, I remember, wasn't there, like, a kingpin versus I can't remember no, it was X-Men versus The Blob.
Is it the same blob from the Steve McQueen movie? No, different blob.
The X-Men's villain blob, whose power is to be fat.
I'm not gonna go by "the king.
" [Laughter.]
I just thought of a new name for myself.
[Laughter.]
- Why you looking to sell it? - I want to go to film school.
Yeah? Okay, all right.
We may be able to help you out today.
What are you looking to get for it? About 750.
So you're thinking about community theater? [Laughs.]
Or maybe just going to see a movie.
[Laughter.]
I mean, I could offer you 300.
- That's a little low for me.
- All right, how much more? I know it's still asking a lot.
Yeah, It is.
I could do 350.
- You can't do 450.
- Yeah, it's still more than it's still more than I think the book is worth.
I think 350 is the best I can do today.
- I'm gonna have to remain - Firm on that? - Steadfast on that one.
- That's a little low for me.
- All right, man, well - Thank you, man.
Good luck with the film career, man.
Thank you, man.
All right.
- Nice meeting you guys.
- All right.
Damn.
- Jack Kirby, though, man.
- I know.
- Kills you to let it go.
- Sure does.
Does it ever bother you that your staff spends half their time in, like, a daze and need to regain their senses just because a comic book came in? - [Laughter.]
- I would be disappointed if they didn't behave that way.
I know, like, six knees buckling at once.
[Laughter.]
Oh, your knees buckled too, buddy.
- I'm fat, my - [Laughter.]
My knees can't handle my carriage.
Oh, man! And that's gonna wrap it up for another edition of Comic Book Men.
- I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
Ming Chen.
Remember kids always keep your stinkin' paws off your damn dirty ape.
Good night.