Comic Book Men s05e07 Episode Script

1 Why you think there's so many ducks in comics and cartoons? There's Daffy Duck, Daisy Duck, Howard the Duck, Scrooge McDuck, Huey, Dewey, and Louie, Baby Huey I mean, what That's a lot of ducks.
You can't get away from 'em, I guess.
- [laughter.]
- It's a valid question.
Why you think there's so many? I think it's the speech impediment.
Well, ducks don't talk in real life, Mike.
[laughter.]
Why you think there's so many ducks? I just think, uh, they They they look funny.
That weird bill.
They're just naturally comical.
So you go to the pond, you see a duck, you start laughing? [laughter.]
I mean, I don't start busting out right away, but, you know, they're funny animals.
It's like a platypus.
Well, a platypus'd be funnier.
Why aren't there more platypuses? I don't know.
But all right.
He gets paid for this? [laughter.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men," the only show where the force awakens with a lightsaber full of midi-chlorians.
Man, I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
What happened this week? Somebody brought in a toy that I have a big soft spot in my heart for.
[upbeat music.]
Hey, how you doing? Hey, how's it going? Did you guys ever hear of the "Trilogy of Terror"? Yeah.
Maybe once or twice.
Well, I happen to have a Zuni fetish doll.
Oh, my god.
One of the greatest television movies ever made? Easily.
[rock music.]
Behold.
Boom.
Huh? Look at that.
It's horrific, right? I mean, look at the rooted hair.
- Teeth.
- Look at the teeth the beady red eyes.
I haven't even seen this.
I've heard about this.
You've never seen "Trilogy of Terror"? Never.
The "Trilogy of Terror" is about a woman, Karen Black, who receives a Zuni fetish warrior as a gift.
The chain can't fall off, or he'll come to life.
Have you ever taken the I have never taken the chain off.
- Playing it safe.
- That's just creepy.
Would he attack people like that with his teeth? - Will he bite on ankles? - Oh, yeah.
In the movie, he really latches on to her.
She's all sliced and nicked up from the little spear stabbing her all over the place.
I mean, she's a mess by the end of the movie.
As an eight-year-old, I watched that.
[laughter.]
There's cult movies, there's cult toys, and then there's the "Trilogy of Terror" and the Zuni fetish doll.
Creepy looking thing.
There was an innocent time where you could walk into a video store; have your mind blown by a killer doll.
And you're like, "Ah.
" It was like one of the great finds.
So you're saying you saw it on video.
You didn't see it as a TV movie like me and Bryan did? You guys watched it in its original airing? - Yes.
- Really? I know my mother would have never let me watch that.
She would have been like, "This doesn't look like Jesus," and closed the "TV Guide" instantly.
[laughter.]
I don't know, man.
This thing's starting to freak me out.
It looks like it's just pure bad luck.
You don't believe in that, do you? I definitely believe in bad luck.
- You're fearful that a mass - produced toy could bring bad juju into the Stash? Yeah, I don't think I want this thing.
Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm definitely interested.
What do you want for it? Um I was thinking maybe somewhere around $300.
How about $175? Um thinking maybe $250? How about $200? $200 works.
Done.
[register clicks.]
Here you go.
Pleasure.
Take care.
Thanks.
Oh, my god.
There's bad luck starting already.
The register just broke.
[laughs.]
[upbeat music.]
So how about that footage I sent over from the animator last night? How killer was that stuff? - It looked as good as the old - school, the, uh - Rankin and Bass stuff? - Rankin and Bass.
It looks like just like it.
It looked pretty amazing.
I love that it's something nobody does anymore.
I just love that unlike most "Tell 'Em Steve-Dave!" stuff where it kind of falls apart halfway through, uh this is actually happening.
Right now, before we go any further, welcome to the table for the first time, an honorary Comic Book Man himself, the fifth Beatle, if you will.
Give it up for Brian Quinn! [applause.]
Hey, thank you, Kevin.
- Ooh.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Right? Kids, if you like "Comic Book Men," you got three people to thank for it, man.
There was a podcast that birthed this show.
Bryan and Walter do a podcast every week called "Tell 'Em Steve-Dave!" They do it with their friend Brian Quinn.
Tell 'em, Steve-Dave! What hot-button topic should we talk about Walt? There's plenty this week.
That was the origin point for "Comic Book Men.
" And Brian Quinn's on another TV show, "Impractical Jokers.
" Now they came up with an idea about doing an animated film? Really, it was Walt's brainchild to do a Claymation Rankin-and-Bass-style movie like "Rudolph," "Shiny New Year," "The Year Without a Santa Claus.
" I mean, and I think, for us, when we grew up, it was everything.
It was reserved for that special time of the year; only a few times a year did you see clay animation.
What is the project called, and what's it about? We call it "Makin' Clay" right now.
But it's gonna be a holiday movie.
So we all came up with a Christmas-type story, and the stories aren't as heartwarming as, say, the old ones that you may remember.
When can I and the everyone else see the whole movie? We are stockpiling footage.
We've got so much footage right now, so much footage that we're ready to take the next step in the project.
Which is the next step? Voices.
Now we really gotta start thinking about locking down the voices.
I have one in mind that is, um vexing to say the least.
Why? You're worried about a character? Yes, Father Blood; Pater Sanguinem, as we say in Latin.
- The demon? - The demon.
Bad guy's always tough, 'cause if you don't get the bad guy right, then the threat doesn't seem scary or big enough.
It could fall apart without the right voice.
Guys got anybody in mind? I mean, there's basically nothing left in the budget at this point.
What about, like, a little homegrown talent? Like, you know, some of the staff here? You got your Mike Zapcic, your Ming Chens.
- Right.
- Your Sunday Jeffs.
Your Cousin Johnnies.
I'm telling you, these guys got skills.
I mean, it's definitely the most cost-effective way to do this.
'Cause we won't have to pay any of 'em.
[laughter.]
I got some stuff I was seeing if you'd be interested in.
- Is that what I think it is? - Oh.
- Hey, how are you? - What's up, man? I got some stuff I was seeing if you'd be interested in.
- Bunch of loose figures, huh? - Yeah.
We don't do a lot of loose toys, almost ever.
Well, I don't know.
Wow, you got a lot of stuff in here.
Dolls? Yeah, for the most part, yeah.
- Oh action figures.
- Action figures.
No, you were right the first time.
[laughter.]
Got to be something in here, man.
That's Is that what I think it is? Yeah.
I mean, it's broken, but Oh.
It is.
That's a this is Maskatron, right? From the bionic man line? - "Six Million Dollar Man"? - Yeah.
What a great toy, man.
[upbeat music.]
Oh! Oscar Goldman.
Remember Oscar? I do.
Why is it just his face? Maskatron, bro.
Remember? He was "The Six Million Dollar Man's" villain? He used to change his face, pretend he was Oscar, gain Steve's trust - Oh.
- To try to kill him.
I have a girlfriend that's very similar.
[laughter.]
I call her Susannatron.
[laughter.]
Maybe the greatest toy ever made? I mean, that's a bold statement, but It's pretty bold since I'd never heard of it before.
[laughter.]
Come on, man.
Look at that.
That's it, man.
Mike, this is as close to a complete Maskatron.
We've never seen one come into the store.
No, never.
Mind if I take it for a spin? - Sure.
Go for it.
- All right.
One minute, he's the evil cyborg.
- Okay.
- Poom! - He's a bad guy.
- He's evil.
Hence the eyebrows.
Bam! He's your boss.
[laughing.]
He's he's my grandpa [laughter.]
Telling me boring stories.
Bang! He's the greatest astronaut/spy the world has ever seen.
Oh, my Maskatron.
"The Six Million Dollar Man's" true supervillain His Lex Luthor, if you will Who never appeared on the television show.
"Six Million Dollar Man" had this brilliant concept of, like, he's Superman with nobody to fight.
[laughter.]
He had no villain, right? So Maskatron, they added to the doll line because they're like, "I don't know how you guys do it on TV.
We can't sell a doll don't fight another doll.
" [laughter.]
Where did you get this stuff from? I run an online store: vintage toys, video games.
Bought these from different collectors and stuff.
Does he shoot anything? - That's right.
Don't - Yeah.
He would be able to shoot his arms.
- Hit these things.
- Everybody get ready.
Careful now.
- [plastic clicks.]
- Oh, yeah.
- There you go.
- [laughs.]
You never forget.
It's like riding a bike, man.
[suspenseful music.]
There you go.
[laughing.]
[laughing.]
Not many toys you could fire the limbs.
See, it's too bad it's not anatomically correct so you could fire that other missile somewhere.
[laughter.]
I gotta know.
What are you looking to get for it? How, uh How's $150 sound? [sighs.]
Are these even Maskatron's clothes? They are.
But, these are really stained, unfortunately and they're also missing the buttons.
Like, this right up here, and that's what collectors look for.
You gotta take some money off for that.
- Yeah.
- You got to.
How about $125? Look at this.
This is broken.
Was there a piece there at one time? There was.
There's one of these.
Uh, the plastic pieces.
I'm thinking 60 bucks.
Uh [sighs.]
Let me get $100.
$75.
I mean, that is extremely fair.
As you said yourself, you haven't had one come in here.
I shouldn't have said that.
[laughs.]
If you do $80, we got a deal.
All right.
80 bucks.
- Okay.
- You got yourself a deal.
All right.
[register clicking, whirring.]
Thanks, bro.
Yep.
I appreciate it.
Good luck with the rest of your box.
That's why this job is a job that you don't need to drink; you don't need to do drugs.
Because on any given day, you could find something like this, and your pulse rate can go from zero to 60.
- [laughs.]
- Would that be Would that be considered fa a fast pulse? Well, zero That would be amazing.
'Cause zero, you would be dead.
- [laughter.]
- You know what I mean.
You're saying it could bring you back to life, actually.
[laughter.]
Can I see you become the demon? Is to lead his lambs to slaughter! Cross your eyes.
Cross your eyes.
Cross your eyes.
Do you remember the first time you sat down to record "Tell 'Em Steve-Dave!"? You were all together.
- Yeah.
- Do you remember the first day? Like, "All right, we'll do this.
" And was there ever a thought of, like, it would lead or aggregate to this even? I do remember the first time, and Q for the first few episodes said nothing.
I didn't speak at all.
Yeah, he was our tech guy.
You were working the board? That was it.
I had the headphones on, and I was doing this.
- I was going - [laughter.]
How many episodes have you guys recorded? Over 260 episodes, I think.
This coming from a dude who was like, "I'll try it once.
" - Yeah.
- And many episodes in.
Well, that's why Walt agreed to it, I think, because since I quit everything I start, he thought, "Eh, he'll do it for a month, and that'll be it.
" He said it.
He just like, "I'll do it, 'cause he loses interest like a five-year-old.
" And here we are on a TV show now.
[laughter.]
Now, as you know, we are working on a Claymation movie for "Tell 'Em Steve-Dave!" This is the most important thing in my life I have family, and this is more important than them.
[laughter.]
It's the day of our auditions to be the voice of Papa Blood, and we're all ready.
We're very excited, of course.
And, uh, you know, we got a lot of familiar faces here.
Cousin Johnny, thanks for coming in.
All right.
Nepotism means everything.
That's the only reason I'm sitting here.
- [laughter.]
- Johnny did it? Let me tell you something about my cousin Johnny.
This kid's funny, man.
You could see him in "Chasing Amy.
" That's right.
He was in "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" too.
He was the guy that was just like, "Ah, keep on truckin'," you know, in the baby scene in the beginning.
Hey, Jeff? We're ready.
Thanks for coming by, Sunday Jeff.
No problem.
My pleasure.
Sunday Jeff: now, there's a hidden wealth of talent that's heretofore untapped, man.
Because he only works on Sunday.
[laughter.]
You will be playing Father Blood in this scene.
The most evil creation since Lucifer himself.
You're gonna have to dig deep, deep down, and find your inner demon.
Do you have an inner demon? Oh, yes.
Everybody does.
I've got some darkness that I can draw upon.
- Yeah? - Sure, sure.
I have some very repressed memories.
These aren't the screen-used puppets, obviously.
They're gonna look a little bit better than this not much.
They're not gonna have Red Hots for eyes.
[laughter.]
So getting into the scene, it's a Christmas Eve service.
Pastor Applegate is up at the pulpit, and the doors bang open.
Mama! A monster! And what of a witness who uttereth falsehoods? That was your inner demon? - Deeper voice, higher voice: what do you want? Something you think the devil sounds like.
All right.
[gravelly voice.]
And what of witness who uttereth falsehoods? Good.
Good.
[lilting voice.]
Fall away, demon! A blackened soul in this place is heresy of the darkest kind.
[laughter.]
Papa Blood continues walking towards Applegate.
Or one who soweth discord among brethren? Discord among breath-en? - [sputters.]
- It's "brethren.
" Breath-en? [laughter.]
I am an ordained voice of the Almighty, I am.
Uh [laughs.]
All right.
All right.
My bad.
My bad.
[demonic voice.]
A sheepherder of false hearts.
A little higher? And you, the cowing dutiful sheep of the charlatan! It was as if a demon was sitting in On the other side of the table.
I mean, he It was intimidating.
It was unsettling.
More so than usual when Robert's [laughter.]
Papa turns toward the congregation.
And you, the core Sorry.
And you, the cowing Bring it to life before us.
Dutiful sheep Dutiful sheep of a charlatan? Cowering dutiful sheep of a charlatan? [high-pitched voice.]
Leave us alone.
We're not sheep! We're not! You want to go guttural.
Hush and learn that the nature of the sheepherder [deep voice.]
Is to lead his lambs to slaughter.
I wouldn't mind if I could just give you a little direction.
Sure.
Absolutely.
Can I see you become the demon? [garbled voice.]
Is to lead his lambs to slaughter! Cross your eyes.
Cross your eyes.
Cross your eyes.
One thing I did not see coming was how impressed with Mike I was.
And nothing against Nothing against; I just didn't know whether you had it in you, and I was blown away.
Thank you.
So few compliments start out with, like, "I didn't think you had any talent.
" [laughter.]
Hush, little one [laughs.]
And learn of the nature of the sheepherder is to lead his lambs to slaughter.
[laughs drily.]
He surprised me.
He brought a disturbed and jarring Ming Chen to the table.
That's not the face of disturbed.
Look.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Whoo! - Wow.
That was a pretty strong performance.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
We appreciate it.
Not even a thank you? Thank you for what, wasting our time? [laughter.]
Who's going to get the role? Who are you gonna cast? So we narrow it down to two.
Hey, if they discovered a pill that would allow males to give birth, would you guys take it? No, but I would certainly slip it in their drinks.
[laughter.]
There would be nothing better than seeing these two come in to work.
[laughter.]
Oh, and take the pill and then How do you Now he's asking you for the science of it.
It just happens.
It just happens.
Okay.
You wouldn't just take the pill and you become pregnant immediately.
You still need to find a partner.
Right.
[laughter.]
Okay, no, I just wanted to know either way.
I think I could do it.
Whether or not I would want to do it is the question.
Okay, I mean, I would take that pill in a heartbeat, man.
- Really? - Yeah.
And actually, I hope for twins.
[laughs.]
Octodad 'em.
[laughter.]
What about you, Mike? Come on.
- No, I - No? No, I'm too old to have a kid.
No, you're not.
Look at those hips.
You're a total MILF.
[laughter.]
Mike I'd Like to [laughter.]
Come on.
Take the pill.
[laughter.]
[languid music.]
[upbeat rock music.]
So the auditions are over, and, uh you know, we had a lot to go over.
A lot of good candidates to be the voice of Papa Blood.
The hardest decision is, who's going to get the role? Who are you gonna cast? So we narrow it down to two.
Here we go.
- I got these two.
- Mike or Robert? Definitely has going against him a giant calculator watch.
We'll give him Edward Scissors' voice.
Okay, you're right.
Out of the two, I say Mike.
What do you say, Q? When I think we're gonna get the commitment to the role, I think he's going to live as a demon the entire time we need him doing it.
I think he is gonna be that dedicated.
So you're for Robert.
I'm for Rob Bruce.
It's your call now.
- Mike or Robert? - [sighs.]
You guys'll still be friends.
Okay, I'd hate to destroy the friendship I wasn't aware existed.
[laughter.]
So what happened? Who's gonna be the voice of Father Blood? I'll show you the teaser trailer.
There's a teaser trailer already? You guys really do work backwards, man.
[laughter.]
You got to make the movie, generally, before there's even a teaser trailer.
This is exciting.
[whimsical music.]
This holiday season, roast your chestnuts, hang your stockings, and join "Tell 'Em Steve-Dave!" for a - [music dies.]
- Bat? - [moans.]
- [gasps.]
Not so traditional Christmas special.
[hard rock music.]
[cheers and applause.]
[man groans.]
[record scratches.]
Oh, yeah.
[man groans, splattering.]
[crashing, girls shriek.]
[people scream.]
[creature roars.]
[munches.]
[creature roars.]
[light choral music, dogs barking distantly.]
[TV static.]
[garbled speech.]
Nature of the sheepherder is to lead his lambs to slaughter! Okay.
No way.
If I'm not mistaken, those dulcet tones sound very familiar.
Is that you? - That's me.
- You cast yourself? Well, who else am I gonna cast? Do you know how gross it is for a director to cast himself in his own project? [laughter.]
That's actually ingenious, man.
You went through everybody.
You guys all decided that he would be the best? I mean, when it came to pure evil and darkness, there's only one name in my phonebook.
[laughter.]
That's true.
You don't have to ask him to go anywhere.
You just have to ask him to show up.
[laughter.]
I think it's cool.
You created that character.
Why not be the voice for it? That's neat, man.
I applaud that.
Well done.
Took a while, and, boy, you broke some hearts in the process.
Might have told them you were leaning that way, but whatever.
Oh, man! That's all the time we got for this week.
For "Comic Book Men," I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
Brian Quinn.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Oh, kids, you can make friends, you can make art, but sometimes in life, you get really lucky, you get to make some art with friends.
Tell 'em, Steve-Dave.
Ooh.