Comic Book Men s06e07 Episode Script
Wurst Episode Ever
1 [upbeat music.]
Have you guys ever avoided something out of spite even though you heard it was great? For me, it was anything having to do with "Harry Potter.
" - Really? - Yeah, it did.
Everyone was reading the books, and then the movies came out, like, all seven, eight of 'em, and everyone was like Ev-Everybody flying on a broomstick.
Yeah, like, people running around drinking - their Butterbeers, and, you know - Oh! Ugh.
Like, I-I saw a picture of the main villain.
- I'm like, "That's it?" - I love that.
What do you got? Disneyworld.
Have no interest, nothing.
So you never took your kids, your boys, to - to the the most fun place - No.
The most magical place on the face of the earth? That why your kids aren't happy? You won't take them? [laughter.]
Yeah, who are you spiting here? Everybody.
I thought myself, up until a few minutes ago.
- [laughter.]
- I know you got one, though.
I know you are just spiteful to be spiteful at times.
If I could literally drop a deuce on it, - and sometimes I have - Come on.
Tell us what you're droppin' deuces on lately.
- Yeah.
- "Pokémon Go.
" - Yeah.
All right.
- Okay.
Oh, okay.
I dropped a deuce on my own phone.
- [laughter.]
- Gotta catch 'em all.
[laughter.]
[heroic music.]
[laughs.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men," the only show that puts the "high" in High Valyrian.
- I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
- Okay, make love to my ears.
- What's been happening? - Somebody brought in one of my favorite toys from my childhood, my favorite electronic toys.
- Exact change.
Thanks, man.
- Thanks, have a good one, bud.
- [register clicks and whirs.]
- Have a great day.
- Hey.
How you doin'? - How you doin'? I'm looking to sell my Big Trak with Transporter.
- Okay, um - You've never seen this before? - No.
- That's, the-the, uh Big Trak.
This is one of the first uh programmable toys.
Holy crap I haven't seen one of these since I was six.
- [laughs.]
- This is this is amazing.
- - - What did it do? - It's a tank.
But it's programmable.
You put in codes and make it roll forward, turn.
- Does it work? - Uh, yes.
This part does.
The Transport does not dump, though.
- Can I take it out? - Yeah, absolutely.
- [laughs.]
- Where'd you get it? - Flea market up in Massachusetts.
- Yeah, I mean This thing's gotta be pretty rare.
I have not run across this since since I was a kid.
- I've never seen it, so.
- [laughs.]
- Testament to its popularity.
- [laughter.]
Go back to 1979; there was nothing like this out there.
Remote control cars didn't exist.
They had remote control cars, but not ones you could program like this with a keypad.
What's more fun than a keypad, kids? [laughter.]
This was a revolutionary idea at the time.
You say "revolutionary.
" How many more toys were programmable after that? - Uh, well, there, every - Uh, none.
[laughs.]
How many how many toys after that came with a keypad? - Uh - None.
[laughter.]
- Can we test it out? - Absolutely.
All right, let's, uh back here.
What about your dumper? What about that wagon you're draggin'? - Bring the dumper over.
- [laughing.]
[keypad beeps.]
Green is fire eight times then come back to move here.
Wow, look at the sequence of, uh, buttons you gotta press.
- All right, ready? - [keypad beeping.]
- [wheels squeaking.]
- [laughing.]
Wow.
Exhilarating.
[wheels squeaking.]
I think Big Trak is in the next "Fast and Furious.
" [laughter.]
Come on! [warbling tone.]
[sound stops.]
Uh-oh.
[motor whirring.]
There we go.
[motor whirring.]
Had to think about it.
[musical beeping.]
- Yeah! [laughs.]
- That's it? - What do you mean, that's it? - It doesn't even light up.
It did light up.
- That sucked.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- [laughter.]
Here, I'll give you this back.
Yep.
What, you're not you're not impressed at all? - [rapid beeping.]
- Oh, what happened? Oh, you made it angry.
Well, I'm not worried about Big Traks chasing me.
[laughter.]
That's for sure.
- Like, he'll never catch me.
- Come on.
This thing's in great shape, it works.
You got the he's got the boxes.
I think we should definitely pick this up for the store.
- For the store? - Yeah.
No, if you want this, this you're on your own, buddy.
There is no way - that this is gonna sell here.
- Come on! How mu how much do you want for it? [laughter.]
I was looking for about $150.
- [snickers.]
- [exhales.]
Come on, Ming.
Listen, it it's in great shape.
I appreciate the boxes.
You're missing the manuals, which I understand.
- The dumper doesn't work.
- Mm.
So it's not all-out mint.
I mean, would you take $50? Probably go $120.
Could you go to $60? Maybe $90? $70's the highest I can go.
Mm.
What about $75? - [exhales.]
I couldn't - I couldn't go to $75.
You're not gonna go $75? - I couldn't go to $75.
- Over $5.
[laughter.]
I-I-I mean, I didn't - I-I-I don't I don't - [dollar crinkles.]
Ohh! - [laughing.]
- There you go.
There's the extra $5.
All right, well, he's throwing in the $5.
- Uh, $75 it is, then.
- Okay.
That sounds good.
- $75.
- All right.
- Thanks a lot, guys.
- Thank you very much.
- Have a good day.
- All right, thanks.
Thanks.
I guess you have a stake in this now.
Yeah, you get this dumper - [dumper clanks.]
- [laughing.]
- Yeah.
- Bry gets Big Trak.
- I get this part, yeah.
- [laughing.]
- Where's the garbage can? - [laughter.]
All right, what do you guys think? [laughter.]
- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
- Oh, dear Lord.
It's amazing.
[upbeat music.]
So I made a movie with my daughter called "Yoga Hosers.
" We've talked about it here on the show.
[shimmering tone.]
[door chimes.]
[together.]
Sorry "aboot" that.
- Sorry "aboot" that.
Sorry "aboot" that.
- Sorry "aboot" that.
Sorry "aboot" that.
Sorry "aboot" that.
"Yoga Hosers" is a movie about two little girls from Canada who wind up fighting 1-foot-tall Canadian Nazis made of bratwurst called Bratzis.
- [laughter.]
- So obviously, we're trying to win an Oscar.
[laughter.]
[dramatic music.]
Wunderbar! Wunderbar! [hissing.]
[speaking gibberish.]
Man! We've been touring the movie around the country.
I want it to play here, of course, in the hometown.
So I placed Ming in charge of it.
I was just like, "Dude, make this happen.
You're in charge of the evening.
" Yeah, I mean, if there's one thing I like to do, it's throw a party, and I wanted this to be the biggest event possible.
And I thought I'd give him a little extra and, uh, dress up as as a Bratzi.
- Auf Wiedersehen! - [shrieks.]
You went one step further, reach out to Bob Kurtzman, said, "Make me a Bratzi.
" Bob Kurtzman, the father of the Bratzi, he birthed the concept of little bratwurst.
So dude's been doing it forever.
He's a master of prosthetics, master of rubber.
- A legend.
- Absolute legend.
Did the walrus in "Tusk.
" Has worked on countless of our favorite films, and more importantly, though, for for now, uh, worked on "Yoga Hosers.
" [speaking German.]
I'm not even supposed to be here today! Ahh! [shrieks.]
all: Scheisse! Scheisse! [splat.]
All right, Ming, you ready for this? Uh, I-I'm ready.
I-I've seen your work.
I've always wanted to do this.
I mean, th this is an honor.
You have any makeup on you? You look grotesque.
- [laughs.]
- It's not funny.
[laughter.]
What's the first step? Well, the first step is we're gonna pull this giant condom over your head.
[chuckles.]
[playful music.]
- Giant condom head.
- [laughs.]
Does he have a reservoir tip? [laughter.]
He's ribbed for your pleasure, yeah.
[groans.]
You look like my grandma about to go in a swimming pool.
[laughter.]
- All ready? - Okay, I'm ready.
Okay, this hopefully, this'll fit 'cause it was made for Kevin.
Oh, it actually does fit pretty well.
- Yeah.
- That's awesome.
- What do you think? - You look pretty good.
That might be his new uniform? [laughter.]
When he put me inside that Bratzi costume, I finally knew Justin Long's pain from "Tusk.
" [laughter.]
Like, oh, my Lord, this is horrible.
You can't move and stuff, so the fact that you were willing to go into that hell I had to for the movie to tell the story.
The fact that you were willing to sit there and be turned into a little dickhead, that's amazing.
[laughter.]
How did you learn this? Like, where did you study? I went to a school called Joe Blasco Makeup School in Hollywood, but most of what I learned, I learned from the other artists I came up in the business with, and we'd just work together at shops and everybody fed off everybody.
You gonna put the butt chin on him? That looks about right.
[laughter.]
Ming Chin.
[laughter.]
How does it feel now? Does it hurt yet? [laughter.]
All right, airbrush time.
[airbrush hissing.]
Just about there All right, what do you guys think? Whoa.
[laughter.]
- Wow.
- Well, now we know what he'll look like as an old man.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
- Ah, dear Lord.
- It's amazing.
It looks like he's been hiding out in Argentina for the last 90 years.
[laughter.]
All right, so now we, uh, put you in the costume and then the last thing is to put the hands on.
- All right, to make it 100%.
- Yep.
Awesome.
[laughs.]
- Hey, Robert.
- Yo.
Check this out.
- Have you ever seen this before? - Wow.
Willkommen to ze Red Bank premiere of ze "Yoga Hosers.
" We got someone coming up now.
[door clicks.]
Originally, Jason Mewes was gonna play the Bratzis in "Yoga Hosers," and I asked Kurtzman to design the outfit that Jason was supposed to wear.
And one day, Kurtzman showed me the suit for the first time, and it's just amazing, was full-body suit.
Even had sausage junk under the sausage gut.
[laughter.]
I said to Kurtzman, I said, "This is looks so familiar.
"I don't know how else to say this, but this looks like me naked.
" - [laughter.]
- And he goes, "Good, it worked.
" And I was like, "What do you mean?" And he goes, "Well, every artist tries to find "new inspiration for doing something they've done "a bunch of times, so I figured my job was to turn Jay into Silent Bob.
" And I was like, "This is what - you think I look like naked?" - [laughter.]
And he was like, "You just said that you look like this naked.
" - I was like, "You got me there.
" - [laughter.]
So Jason couldn't wind up playing the part, and I told Kurtz, "I'm gonna play the Bratzi.
" And then Kurtzman goes, "Well, I guess we don't need the bodysuit anymore then.
" [laughter.]
[horn blaring.]
[upbeat music.]
Well, let's say we could have any animal in pop culture history to be the official watchdog/animal at the Stash.
- Who's getting the call? - I already got mine.
Mothra.
[laughter.]
Mothra? It's like it's always watching, just those big eyes staring down at people.
No one's gonna try anything.
You got one? Well, then I'm gonna go with, like, Yogi Bear, then.
Be like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, drop that merchandise.
You're you're no shoplifting as the Stash.
[laughter.]
Say, what kind of guard animal is this? Hey, I know he wasn't scary in the in the cartoon, but he's a bear! - Did you watch "Yogi Bear"? - Yes.
He did not care about anything but what? - "Pic-a-nic" baskets.
- Right.
So he's the worst animal that we could have here.
- [sighs.]
- Come on, Mike.
Streaky the Supercat.
- [snorts.]
- Streaky the Supercat.
Go on, Ming.
[laughter.]
- Hey, guys, how you doing? - Hey, how are you? I was wondering if you guys'd be interested in purchasing my 1980 Spider-Woman corkboard.
- Corkboard? - Yeah.
I've never seen this actual piece of merchandise.
- - I should call Robert over and, uh, see what he thinks.
- Hey, Robert - Yo.
- Check this out.
- What you got? Have you ever seen this before? Wow.
Uh, I've seen a couple of photos of this online, but I've never actually seen one in person.
I know from the one uh, shows the other images on the back.
[together.]
Ooh.
But I've seen the Captain America.
I've never seen these two ever.
I'd much rather have the Spider-Man or the Captain America or the Hulk.
Do you have any of them? [laughter.]
When's the last time in recent history that they - Oh, never, they don't - Produced corkboard merch.
I don't think they do corkboards anymore.
This one you can paint on, which is just amazing, actually.
Ultimately, you're supposed to cover it up, right? You put, like, red baseball medals - Like a - You have baseball medals? - Yeah, you know, I - Real? Participation? - Participant.
- Yeah.
- [laughter.]
- Right? I know this 'cause I had I had that.
I had a Spider-Woman corkboard that my mom bought for me.
My mom brought it home.
She's like, "You like this.
" And I'd never seen Spider-Woman before [laughter.]
But I was a pretty polite kid, so I was like, "I love this.
Thank you, Mom.
" And I hung it up in my room.
But made me go down the rabbit hole to discover who Spider-Woman was.
- Where did you get this? - Well, I'm a collector myself.
And, uh, I go to yard sales looking for rare comics and other memorabilia, and I found this.
So you're not a connoisseur of find cork? - You just happened to find it? - No, yeah.
[laughter.]
You think it's something that, uh, we should, uh, go after? Um, it is Spider-Woman.
She's not that common a character.
And there's not a lot of memorabilia made.
- Right.
- How many of these exist? Maybe less than ten in the world.
'Cause you gotta think about it.
Probably didn't sell that well.
It probably hit the trash.
- Ten in the whole world? - Pretty rare.
You know, how many could they have produced and how many would survive is a big question All right, put a cork in it.
[laughter.]
Oh! All right, what do you want for it? Uh, like to get, uh, $200 for it.
What do you think? - Absolutely way too high.
- Way too high.
- Way too high.
- It's scarce.
But the market's gotta be fairly small for her.
She's gonna have her own movie, or an online, uh, TV show.
There's rumors.
When Spider-Woman finally comes out, - you know it'll be popular.
- I can't pay I can't pay for possible though.
- [laughter.]
- Right, that's all speculation.
How 'bout $100? [sighs.]
Can you do $175? Uh, still too way too high.
Um $120? $150? Best I could do it $130.
Even then, I feel I may be too, uh, kind in in offering that.
All right.
I'll do $130.
- Do $130? - Yeah, I'll do $130 sure.
All right, $130 it is.
[cash register whirring.]
- $130.
- Awesome.
Thank you, guys.
- All right, man.
- Have a good day.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, "Yoga Hoser.
" [cheers and applause.]
Wanted to make this a huge event.
Sell-out crowd, star-studded event, me as a Bratzi.
And the pressure was on even more so.
It was also my 46th birthday, so it had to be good or else I would have been like, "You ruined my 40s," you know.
Willkommen Fraeuleins and Damens.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
- Welcome ze premiere.
Have you seen the movie, bro? That's not the accent.
[dramatic music.]
Wunderbar! [screams.]
More more sinister? More more yeah.
More creepy.
[angrily.]
Willkommen, Fraeuleins and Damens - That's not bad.
- To ze Red Bank premiere of ze "Yoga Hosers.
" And now you gotta hold your gut.
[chortling.]
We got someone coming up now.
Open the door.
Hurry up, go open the door.
[dramatic cymbals.]
Willkommen.
Willkommen, Dummkopfs.
Willkommen.
Herr Brian Johnson.
Herr Zapcic.
Herr Flanagan.
- Willkommen.
- Yeah! What do you guys think it is? Is that French or is that German? I know, that's what I'm saying, right? - [laughter.]
- Deutsche.
I wanna try this, man.
I told him to do, he's gotta do the walk - and the-the thing right? - all: Whoa! Look at this guy right here! - Herr Quinn.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Herr Quinn.
- I thought my shirt was gonna be the ugliest thing here tonight.
- Look at this! Look at this! - Willkommen.
Willkommen.
- Herr Brian.
- Oh, my God! - That far in.
- Do you know what this is? Holy crap.
Oh, my goodness gracious, dude.
Willkommen.
Willkommen.
- [clapping.]
Willkommen.
- It's good to see you.
Show her to her seat.
'Cause I - Okay.
- Before you say something - that's gonna upset her, right? - All right.
- Oh, come on, man! - [laughing.]
Right before the show began, I saw Ming for the first time backstage, and, you know, I just remembered, "I wore that costume" and still, I was like, "You look (bleep) up.
" [laughter.]
- What do you think? - Turn around.
It sounds sexist.
But give me a twirl.
- That looks phenomenal.
- Hey, only for you.
- Happy birthday.
- All right.
You intro and have a (bleep) fantastic time.
- Intro? - Yeah, what you're doing.
Oh, you didn't know? You will intro Harley.
And Harley will intro me.
[cheers and applause.]
Whoo! [percussive music.]
Guten tag.
Willkommen, ladies and gentlemen, Fraeuleins and Dumpkoffs.
Put it together for ze Fraeulein, Miss Harley Quinn Smith, ze star of ze "Yoga Hosers.
" [cheers and applause.]
Danke schoen, danke schoen.
[applause.]
- That is terrifying.
- [laughter.]
He freaked my kid out.
I know that much.
She she and she's in a movie with the original Bratzi.
- Yeah.
- But I was never on set with her.
That was the first time she saw someone in the makeup in real life.
Couldn't get out of her mind the sweaty little sausage in the back room that was like, "Hi, Harley.
" And he was out of the costume by then.
[laughter.]
We were in Indianapolis, uh, showing "Yoga Hosers," and I-I intro'd my dad, like I'm doing now.
But now, since it's his birthday, I figured, let me roast him.
Yeah! - So - [cheers and applause.]
Cool, right? Okay.
My dad likes to talk, as you've noticed.
- Um - [laughter.]
But we tend to be paired for interviews.
And the interviewer will ask a question to both of us, then, like, I'll maybe open my mouth to say a word, and then my dad will just tell a 45-minute answer that, like, probably won't even answer the question being asked, so it will literally be like, "What was your favorite part about working with your daughter?" And then he'll be like, "Well, I was born in New Jersey, - and then all this happened.
" - [laughter.]
And that actually happens all the time.
So without further ado, Kevin Smith.
[cheers and applause.]
I Harley Quinn, ladies and gentlemen.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey! The movie you're about to see is technically a kid's movie.
It was made for children.
Um, it's made for adults, if you're blazed.
You'll really enjoy it.
[laughter.]
We had a screening at the Indy PopCon in Indianapolis, and there was a little girl who stood up at the end of the screening.
I said, "Let me tell you something right now.
" I said, "This is crazy.
"When I made the movie, I made it for you.
"I was thinking about you when I made this movie.
Not you, that'd be creepy" [audience laughing.]
"But just you in general.
"Like, you know, I wasn't thinking about normally "people my age, that's who I think about.
"I was thinking about, like, little girls, tween girls.
"So only person in the world I really give a (bleep) to find out what did you think of this movie?" And the little nine-year-old girl goes, "I liked it when the girls hit things with sticks.
" [laughter.]
And I was like, "That (bleep) going on the (bleep) poster.
" [laughter.]
So, ladies and gentlemen, get ready to watch girls hit things with sticks! "Yoga Hosers.
" [cheers and applause.]
That's all the time we got for this week, man.
For "Comic Book Men," I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Remember, kids, making a movie with your family and friends is what it's all "aboot.
" Good night.
Have you guys ever avoided something out of spite even though you heard it was great? For me, it was anything having to do with "Harry Potter.
" - Really? - Yeah, it did.
Everyone was reading the books, and then the movies came out, like, all seven, eight of 'em, and everyone was like Ev-Everybody flying on a broomstick.
Yeah, like, people running around drinking - their Butterbeers, and, you know - Oh! Ugh.
Like, I-I saw a picture of the main villain.
- I'm like, "That's it?" - I love that.
What do you got? Disneyworld.
Have no interest, nothing.
So you never took your kids, your boys, to - to the the most fun place - No.
The most magical place on the face of the earth? That why your kids aren't happy? You won't take them? [laughter.]
Yeah, who are you spiting here? Everybody.
I thought myself, up until a few minutes ago.
- [laughter.]
- I know you got one, though.
I know you are just spiteful to be spiteful at times.
If I could literally drop a deuce on it, - and sometimes I have - Come on.
Tell us what you're droppin' deuces on lately.
- Yeah.
- "Pokémon Go.
" - Yeah.
All right.
- Okay.
Oh, okay.
I dropped a deuce on my own phone.
- [laughter.]
- Gotta catch 'em all.
[laughter.]
[heroic music.]
[laughs.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men," the only show that puts the "high" in High Valyrian.
- I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
- Okay, make love to my ears.
- What's been happening? - Somebody brought in one of my favorite toys from my childhood, my favorite electronic toys.
- Exact change.
Thanks, man.
- Thanks, have a good one, bud.
- [register clicks and whirs.]
- Have a great day.
- Hey.
How you doin'? - How you doin'? I'm looking to sell my Big Trak with Transporter.
- Okay, um - You've never seen this before? - No.
- That's, the-the, uh Big Trak.
This is one of the first uh programmable toys.
Holy crap I haven't seen one of these since I was six.
- [laughs.]
- This is this is amazing.
- - - What did it do? - It's a tank.
But it's programmable.
You put in codes and make it roll forward, turn.
- Does it work? - Uh, yes.
This part does.
The Transport does not dump, though.
- Can I take it out? - Yeah, absolutely.
- [laughs.]
- Where'd you get it? - Flea market up in Massachusetts.
- Yeah, I mean This thing's gotta be pretty rare.
I have not run across this since since I was a kid.
- I've never seen it, so.
- [laughs.]
- Testament to its popularity.
- [laughter.]
Go back to 1979; there was nothing like this out there.
Remote control cars didn't exist.
They had remote control cars, but not ones you could program like this with a keypad.
What's more fun than a keypad, kids? [laughter.]
This was a revolutionary idea at the time.
You say "revolutionary.
" How many more toys were programmable after that? - Uh, well, there, every - Uh, none.
[laughs.]
How many how many toys after that came with a keypad? - Uh - None.
[laughter.]
- Can we test it out? - Absolutely.
All right, let's, uh back here.
What about your dumper? What about that wagon you're draggin'? - Bring the dumper over.
- [laughing.]
[keypad beeps.]
Green is fire eight times then come back to move here.
Wow, look at the sequence of, uh, buttons you gotta press.
- All right, ready? - [keypad beeping.]
- [wheels squeaking.]
- [laughing.]
Wow.
Exhilarating.
[wheels squeaking.]
I think Big Trak is in the next "Fast and Furious.
" [laughter.]
Come on! [warbling tone.]
[sound stops.]
Uh-oh.
[motor whirring.]
There we go.
[motor whirring.]
Had to think about it.
[musical beeping.]
- Yeah! [laughs.]
- That's it? - What do you mean, that's it? - It doesn't even light up.
It did light up.
- That sucked.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- [laughter.]
Here, I'll give you this back.
Yep.
What, you're not you're not impressed at all? - [rapid beeping.]
- Oh, what happened? Oh, you made it angry.
Well, I'm not worried about Big Traks chasing me.
[laughter.]
That's for sure.
- Like, he'll never catch me.
- Come on.
This thing's in great shape, it works.
You got the he's got the boxes.
I think we should definitely pick this up for the store.
- For the store? - Yeah.
No, if you want this, this you're on your own, buddy.
There is no way - that this is gonna sell here.
- Come on! How mu how much do you want for it? [laughter.]
I was looking for about $150.
- [snickers.]
- [exhales.]
Come on, Ming.
Listen, it it's in great shape.
I appreciate the boxes.
You're missing the manuals, which I understand.
- The dumper doesn't work.
- Mm.
So it's not all-out mint.
I mean, would you take $50? Probably go $120.
Could you go to $60? Maybe $90? $70's the highest I can go.
Mm.
What about $75? - [exhales.]
I couldn't - I couldn't go to $75.
You're not gonna go $75? - I couldn't go to $75.
- Over $5.
[laughter.]
I-I-I mean, I didn't - I-I-I don't I don't - [dollar crinkles.]
Ohh! - [laughing.]
- There you go.
There's the extra $5.
All right, well, he's throwing in the $5.
- Uh, $75 it is, then.
- Okay.
That sounds good.
- $75.
- All right.
- Thanks a lot, guys.
- Thank you very much.
- Have a good day.
- All right, thanks.
Thanks.
I guess you have a stake in this now.
Yeah, you get this dumper - [dumper clanks.]
- [laughing.]
- Yeah.
- Bry gets Big Trak.
- I get this part, yeah.
- [laughing.]
- Where's the garbage can? - [laughter.]
All right, what do you guys think? [laughter.]
- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
- Oh, dear Lord.
It's amazing.
[upbeat music.]
So I made a movie with my daughter called "Yoga Hosers.
" We've talked about it here on the show.
[shimmering tone.]
[door chimes.]
[together.]
Sorry "aboot" that.
- Sorry "aboot" that.
Sorry "aboot" that.
- Sorry "aboot" that.
Sorry "aboot" that.
Sorry "aboot" that.
"Yoga Hosers" is a movie about two little girls from Canada who wind up fighting 1-foot-tall Canadian Nazis made of bratwurst called Bratzis.
- [laughter.]
- So obviously, we're trying to win an Oscar.
[laughter.]
[dramatic music.]
Wunderbar! Wunderbar! [hissing.]
[speaking gibberish.]
Man! We've been touring the movie around the country.
I want it to play here, of course, in the hometown.
So I placed Ming in charge of it.
I was just like, "Dude, make this happen.
You're in charge of the evening.
" Yeah, I mean, if there's one thing I like to do, it's throw a party, and I wanted this to be the biggest event possible.
And I thought I'd give him a little extra and, uh, dress up as as a Bratzi.
- Auf Wiedersehen! - [shrieks.]
You went one step further, reach out to Bob Kurtzman, said, "Make me a Bratzi.
" Bob Kurtzman, the father of the Bratzi, he birthed the concept of little bratwurst.
So dude's been doing it forever.
He's a master of prosthetics, master of rubber.
- A legend.
- Absolute legend.
Did the walrus in "Tusk.
" Has worked on countless of our favorite films, and more importantly, though, for for now, uh, worked on "Yoga Hosers.
" [speaking German.]
I'm not even supposed to be here today! Ahh! [shrieks.]
all: Scheisse! Scheisse! [splat.]
All right, Ming, you ready for this? Uh, I-I'm ready.
I-I've seen your work.
I've always wanted to do this.
I mean, th this is an honor.
You have any makeup on you? You look grotesque.
- [laughs.]
- It's not funny.
[laughter.]
What's the first step? Well, the first step is we're gonna pull this giant condom over your head.
[chuckles.]
[playful music.]
- Giant condom head.
- [laughs.]
Does he have a reservoir tip? [laughter.]
He's ribbed for your pleasure, yeah.
[groans.]
You look like my grandma about to go in a swimming pool.
[laughter.]
- All ready? - Okay, I'm ready.
Okay, this hopefully, this'll fit 'cause it was made for Kevin.
Oh, it actually does fit pretty well.
- Yeah.
- That's awesome.
- What do you think? - You look pretty good.
That might be his new uniform? [laughter.]
When he put me inside that Bratzi costume, I finally knew Justin Long's pain from "Tusk.
" [laughter.]
Like, oh, my Lord, this is horrible.
You can't move and stuff, so the fact that you were willing to go into that hell I had to for the movie to tell the story.
The fact that you were willing to sit there and be turned into a little dickhead, that's amazing.
[laughter.]
How did you learn this? Like, where did you study? I went to a school called Joe Blasco Makeup School in Hollywood, but most of what I learned, I learned from the other artists I came up in the business with, and we'd just work together at shops and everybody fed off everybody.
You gonna put the butt chin on him? That looks about right.
[laughter.]
Ming Chin.
[laughter.]
How does it feel now? Does it hurt yet? [laughter.]
All right, airbrush time.
[airbrush hissing.]
Just about there All right, what do you guys think? Whoa.
[laughter.]
- Wow.
- Well, now we know what he'll look like as an old man.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
- Ah, dear Lord.
- It's amazing.
It looks like he's been hiding out in Argentina for the last 90 years.
[laughter.]
All right, so now we, uh, put you in the costume and then the last thing is to put the hands on.
- All right, to make it 100%.
- Yep.
Awesome.
[laughs.]
- Hey, Robert.
- Yo.
Check this out.
- Have you ever seen this before? - Wow.
Willkommen to ze Red Bank premiere of ze "Yoga Hosers.
" We got someone coming up now.
[door clicks.]
Originally, Jason Mewes was gonna play the Bratzis in "Yoga Hosers," and I asked Kurtzman to design the outfit that Jason was supposed to wear.
And one day, Kurtzman showed me the suit for the first time, and it's just amazing, was full-body suit.
Even had sausage junk under the sausage gut.
[laughter.]
I said to Kurtzman, I said, "This is looks so familiar.
"I don't know how else to say this, but this looks like me naked.
" - [laughter.]
- And he goes, "Good, it worked.
" And I was like, "What do you mean?" And he goes, "Well, every artist tries to find "new inspiration for doing something they've done "a bunch of times, so I figured my job was to turn Jay into Silent Bob.
" And I was like, "This is what - you think I look like naked?" - [laughter.]
And he was like, "You just said that you look like this naked.
" - I was like, "You got me there.
" - [laughter.]
So Jason couldn't wind up playing the part, and I told Kurtz, "I'm gonna play the Bratzi.
" And then Kurtzman goes, "Well, I guess we don't need the bodysuit anymore then.
" [laughter.]
[horn blaring.]
[upbeat music.]
Well, let's say we could have any animal in pop culture history to be the official watchdog/animal at the Stash.
- Who's getting the call? - I already got mine.
Mothra.
[laughter.]
Mothra? It's like it's always watching, just those big eyes staring down at people.
No one's gonna try anything.
You got one? Well, then I'm gonna go with, like, Yogi Bear, then.
Be like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, drop that merchandise.
You're you're no shoplifting as the Stash.
[laughter.]
Say, what kind of guard animal is this? Hey, I know he wasn't scary in the in the cartoon, but he's a bear! - Did you watch "Yogi Bear"? - Yes.
He did not care about anything but what? - "Pic-a-nic" baskets.
- Right.
So he's the worst animal that we could have here.
- [sighs.]
- Come on, Mike.
Streaky the Supercat.
- [snorts.]
- Streaky the Supercat.
Go on, Ming.
[laughter.]
- Hey, guys, how you doing? - Hey, how are you? I was wondering if you guys'd be interested in purchasing my 1980 Spider-Woman corkboard.
- Corkboard? - Yeah.
I've never seen this actual piece of merchandise.
- - I should call Robert over and, uh, see what he thinks.
- Hey, Robert - Yo.
- Check this out.
- What you got? Have you ever seen this before? Wow.
Uh, I've seen a couple of photos of this online, but I've never actually seen one in person.
I know from the one uh, shows the other images on the back.
[together.]
Ooh.
But I've seen the Captain America.
I've never seen these two ever.
I'd much rather have the Spider-Man or the Captain America or the Hulk.
Do you have any of them? [laughter.]
When's the last time in recent history that they - Oh, never, they don't - Produced corkboard merch.
I don't think they do corkboards anymore.
This one you can paint on, which is just amazing, actually.
Ultimately, you're supposed to cover it up, right? You put, like, red baseball medals - Like a - You have baseball medals? - Yeah, you know, I - Real? Participation? - Participant.
- Yeah.
- [laughter.]
- Right? I know this 'cause I had I had that.
I had a Spider-Woman corkboard that my mom bought for me.
My mom brought it home.
She's like, "You like this.
" And I'd never seen Spider-Woman before [laughter.]
But I was a pretty polite kid, so I was like, "I love this.
Thank you, Mom.
" And I hung it up in my room.
But made me go down the rabbit hole to discover who Spider-Woman was.
- Where did you get this? - Well, I'm a collector myself.
And, uh, I go to yard sales looking for rare comics and other memorabilia, and I found this.
So you're not a connoisseur of find cork? - You just happened to find it? - No, yeah.
[laughter.]
You think it's something that, uh, we should, uh, go after? Um, it is Spider-Woman.
She's not that common a character.
And there's not a lot of memorabilia made.
- Right.
- How many of these exist? Maybe less than ten in the world.
'Cause you gotta think about it.
Probably didn't sell that well.
It probably hit the trash.
- Ten in the whole world? - Pretty rare.
You know, how many could they have produced and how many would survive is a big question All right, put a cork in it.
[laughter.]
Oh! All right, what do you want for it? Uh, like to get, uh, $200 for it.
What do you think? - Absolutely way too high.
- Way too high.
- Way too high.
- It's scarce.
But the market's gotta be fairly small for her.
She's gonna have her own movie, or an online, uh, TV show.
There's rumors.
When Spider-Woman finally comes out, - you know it'll be popular.
- I can't pay I can't pay for possible though.
- [laughter.]
- Right, that's all speculation.
How 'bout $100? [sighs.]
Can you do $175? Uh, still too way too high.
Um $120? $150? Best I could do it $130.
Even then, I feel I may be too, uh, kind in in offering that.
All right.
I'll do $130.
- Do $130? - Yeah, I'll do $130 sure.
All right, $130 it is.
[cash register whirring.]
- $130.
- Awesome.
Thank you, guys.
- All right, man.
- Have a good day.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, "Yoga Hoser.
" [cheers and applause.]
Wanted to make this a huge event.
Sell-out crowd, star-studded event, me as a Bratzi.
And the pressure was on even more so.
It was also my 46th birthday, so it had to be good or else I would have been like, "You ruined my 40s," you know.
Willkommen Fraeuleins and Damens.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
- Welcome ze premiere.
Have you seen the movie, bro? That's not the accent.
[dramatic music.]
Wunderbar! [screams.]
More more sinister? More more yeah.
More creepy.
[angrily.]
Willkommen, Fraeuleins and Damens - That's not bad.
- To ze Red Bank premiere of ze "Yoga Hosers.
" And now you gotta hold your gut.
[chortling.]
We got someone coming up now.
Open the door.
Hurry up, go open the door.
[dramatic cymbals.]
Willkommen.
Willkommen, Dummkopfs.
Willkommen.
Herr Brian Johnson.
Herr Zapcic.
Herr Flanagan.
- Willkommen.
- Yeah! What do you guys think it is? Is that French or is that German? I know, that's what I'm saying, right? - [laughter.]
- Deutsche.
I wanna try this, man.
I told him to do, he's gotta do the walk - and the-the thing right? - all: Whoa! Look at this guy right here! - Herr Quinn.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Herr Quinn.
- I thought my shirt was gonna be the ugliest thing here tonight.
- Look at this! Look at this! - Willkommen.
Willkommen.
- Herr Brian.
- Oh, my God! - That far in.
- Do you know what this is? Holy crap.
Oh, my goodness gracious, dude.
Willkommen.
Willkommen.
- [clapping.]
Willkommen.
- It's good to see you.
Show her to her seat.
'Cause I - Okay.
- Before you say something - that's gonna upset her, right? - All right.
- Oh, come on, man! - [laughing.]
Right before the show began, I saw Ming for the first time backstage, and, you know, I just remembered, "I wore that costume" and still, I was like, "You look (bleep) up.
" [laughter.]
- What do you think? - Turn around.
It sounds sexist.
But give me a twirl.
- That looks phenomenal.
- Hey, only for you.
- Happy birthday.
- All right.
You intro and have a (bleep) fantastic time.
- Intro? - Yeah, what you're doing.
Oh, you didn't know? You will intro Harley.
And Harley will intro me.
[cheers and applause.]
Whoo! [percussive music.]
Guten tag.
Willkommen, ladies and gentlemen, Fraeuleins and Dumpkoffs.
Put it together for ze Fraeulein, Miss Harley Quinn Smith, ze star of ze "Yoga Hosers.
" [cheers and applause.]
Danke schoen, danke schoen.
[applause.]
- That is terrifying.
- [laughter.]
He freaked my kid out.
I know that much.
She she and she's in a movie with the original Bratzi.
- Yeah.
- But I was never on set with her.
That was the first time she saw someone in the makeup in real life.
Couldn't get out of her mind the sweaty little sausage in the back room that was like, "Hi, Harley.
" And he was out of the costume by then.
[laughter.]
We were in Indianapolis, uh, showing "Yoga Hosers," and I-I intro'd my dad, like I'm doing now.
But now, since it's his birthday, I figured, let me roast him.
Yeah! - So - [cheers and applause.]
Cool, right? Okay.
My dad likes to talk, as you've noticed.
- Um - [laughter.]
But we tend to be paired for interviews.
And the interviewer will ask a question to both of us, then, like, I'll maybe open my mouth to say a word, and then my dad will just tell a 45-minute answer that, like, probably won't even answer the question being asked, so it will literally be like, "What was your favorite part about working with your daughter?" And then he'll be like, "Well, I was born in New Jersey, - and then all this happened.
" - [laughter.]
And that actually happens all the time.
So without further ado, Kevin Smith.
[cheers and applause.]
I Harley Quinn, ladies and gentlemen.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey! The movie you're about to see is technically a kid's movie.
It was made for children.
Um, it's made for adults, if you're blazed.
You'll really enjoy it.
[laughter.]
We had a screening at the Indy PopCon in Indianapolis, and there was a little girl who stood up at the end of the screening.
I said, "Let me tell you something right now.
" I said, "This is crazy.
"When I made the movie, I made it for you.
"I was thinking about you when I made this movie.
Not you, that'd be creepy" [audience laughing.]
"But just you in general.
"Like, you know, I wasn't thinking about normally "people my age, that's who I think about.
"I was thinking about, like, little girls, tween girls.
"So only person in the world I really give a (bleep) to find out what did you think of this movie?" And the little nine-year-old girl goes, "I liked it when the girls hit things with sticks.
" [laughter.]
And I was like, "That (bleep) going on the (bleep) poster.
" [laughter.]
So, ladies and gentlemen, get ready to watch girls hit things with sticks! "Yoga Hosers.
" [cheers and applause.]
That's all the time we got for this week, man.
For "Comic Book Men," I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Remember, kids, making a movie with your family and friends is what it's all "aboot.
" Good night.