Corner Gas (2004) s01e01 Episode Script

- Want me to fill it up? - Sure.
You know, i've, uh, never driven across Saskatchewan before.
You still haven't.
About halfway to go yet.
It sure is flat.
How do ya mean? You know, flat, nothin' to see.
What do you mean, like topographically? Hey, Hank.
This guy says Saskatchewan is flat.
How do ya mean? Topographically I guess.
He says there's nothin' to see.
There's lots to see.
There's nothin' to block your view.
Lots to see, nothin' to block your view.
Like the mountains back there.
They're, uh-- Well, what the hell? I could have sworn there was a big mountain range back there, Juttin' up into the sky, all purple and majestic.
I must be thinkin' of a postcard I saw or somethin'.
It is kinda flat.
Thanks for pointing that out.
You guys always this sarcastic? Nothin' else to do.
* you can tell me that your dog ran away * * then tell me that it took three days * * i've heard every joke i've heard every one you say * * you think there's not a lot goin' on * * look closer baby you're so wrong * * and that's why you can stay so long * * where there's not a lot goin' on ** Aw! Brent, this coffee tastes terrible! Oh.
Let me refund your money.
What did you pay for it, zero? Here ya go.
Come again.
I'm not complaining.
The coffee just tastes like it's been filtered through a wig.
When's the coffee shop opening up again? Should be soon.
Lacey's been workin' like a rented donkey Ever since she got into town.
She's not gonna change it too much, is she? Turn it into one of those snooty Toronto restaurants or I have no idea what she's gonna do.
She wants to reveal it all at what She referred to as a gala reopening.
Was it Wear whatever you want.
Lacey.
What kinda name is that anyway? I mean can't it be somethin' normal? Have you talked to her much? She's not a snob, is she? No, she's not a snob.
She wears a tiara.
Really? Well, I don't know.
What do any of us know about her? She's Ruby's niece from Toronto.
What do you need to know? Hey, Wanda.
What do you know about Lacey? She doesn't have cataracts, so you don't have a chance.
Scorch! Pow! I just want good coffee, that's all.
Look, we all want the coffee shop open again.
I miss Ruby's chili cheese dog, But you don't hear me complaining.
You were just complaining two minutes ago.
Yeah, but Hank didn't hear that.
Oh.
Is it unreasonable to be curious about a new person in town? And does she have a criminal record? That's a reasonable question.
Does she do drugs? That's a valid inquiry.
Maybe she doesn't want us in the coffee shop Because she's turning it into a methamphetamine lab.
Get the town kids hooked on the meth and the crack cocaine, Because once they're hooked on that you know what's next.
Marijuana, then jazz music and forget about it.
Why are you teein' off on me? I don't want everybody in town gossiping.
It was hard enough for Lacey To move from Toronto to Dog River, Saskatchewan, Plus everyone's comparing her to her aunt Ruby.
Those are big shoes to fill.
Okay, fine.
But I think you're overreacting.
And Dog River's a good town.
We'll give her a fair shake.
Well, that's fair.
Yeah.
Hi, Lacey.
I was hopin' you wouldn't see this.
The guy who runs the paper's desperate for a story.
You're the biggest news to hit town Since that little space rock landed in anderson's farm.
Killed one of his chickens.
He tends to sensationalize.
It's not that bad.
I suppose.
I mean they could have run a photo of me In a hitler moustache tossing puppies into a wood chipper.
Does such a photo exist? Lacey, I don't believe you've met Hank? Hi, Hank.
Nice to meet you.
My condolences on your aunt Ruby passing away.
She-- She was an amazing woman.
Thank you.
She was.
And her, uh, apple crumble was about as addictive As, uh, crack cocaine, wouldn't you say? Subtle.
Car 1 to car 2.
Car 1 to car 2.
Come in, car 2.
I'm car 1.
I thought I was car 1.
I'm always car 1.
Really? 'Cause my car's got a big 1 on it.
What do you want, Karen? I thought whoever spoke first was car 1.
Can you forget about the car thing? Are you still in position? Yes.
I'm in the surveillance zone Shielded by appropriate ground cover.
You're by the bush.
The surveillance bush.
Fine.
Be sure and let me know if all hell breaks loose out there.
Roger that.
Right side's low.
How about now? Still low.
Now? Low.
Now? Now it's way too high.
Is there something you need, dad? Yeah.
When's that-- Wait a minute.
What does that sign say? Sound it out.
I can read it, smart guy.
But we don't rent movies.
We didn't rent movies.
We do now.
No, we don't.
This isn't a movie house.
It's a gas station.
And convenience store.
Nowhere else in town rents movies.
Folks gotta drive all the way into wullerton-- - - If they want a video.
That's not convenient.
This will confuse people.
They won't know if this is a gas station or a drive-In theatre.
You in show business now? The gas business not good enough? Ya gotta be ed sullivan? We got a really big shew.
What the hell are you thinking? I'm thinking your ed sullivan needs work.
"Destroys local landmark.
" I didn't destroy it.
And it's not really a landmark.
So the only true word in this is "woman"? Actually, that's pretty good for the howler.
I could sue.
Oh, we're not real big on lawsuits here in Saskatchewan.
You've reached the Dog River howler.
Please leave a message.
Yeah.
I'd like to report that you guys suck.
I also have a question for ya.
Why do you guys suck so much? These are just ideas.
We're just thinkin' off the cuff, here.
Well, what's with the melons? Uh, they make a big splat.
Yeah.
Oh.
There, how's that look? Right side's low.
Geez, really? Mm-Hmm.
Maybe I have an inner ear disorder.
Are my legs the same length? Oh, good gravy! You're not gonna hang movie posters all over the place too? Well, we gotta let folks know we rent videos now.
Ridiculous! What's next, a waterslide? Turn the gas station into a big family fun park With movies and ferris wheels And circus elephants blowin' up balloons.
There's elephants now.
Mm-Hmm.
Oh, hey, mom.
HI there.
Do you still carry yeast, or do I have to go to the co-Op? Tell your son to get his head out of the clouds.
And tell my crank of a father to look up the word "retired.
" So is there baker's yeast, or do I gotta go to the co-Op? Who is it? Open up, ma'am.
Police business.
Is this official police business, Or do you just want coffee? Do you have any on? I don't want anybody inside until i'm finished redecorating.
If you're desperate for a good cup, I'll brew some and bring it out.
Okay? God bless you, ma'am.
Call me Lacey.
God bless you, Lacey.
What are you two on about? Your son is turning the gas station into a movie theatre! Yeah, dad tends to overstate things.
I have never overstated a single thing In the history of the planet.
Remember when i suggested we get some nice, simple Corner gas uniforms? You said people would think we were nazis.
I said they Both of you hush up.
Oscar, when Brent took over the business You knew he'd make some changes, so butt out.
Thank you.
And you, your father ran this business for 40 years, So you can show some respect for his opinion.
Geez, you're askin' yeah! A lot, ma.
Well, Yeah! He's never even rented a video.
He doesn't know what he's talkin' about.
I don't want to know.
See, he doesn't understand how it works, but he's against it.
It's like the touch-Tone phone all over again.
Didn't you tell me not to judge something before trying it? When did he say that? Yeah, when did I say that? All right.
You never did.
But it's something most fathers tell their kids.
It's good advice.
You let Brent rent you a video like you're a customer.
Once you find out how it works, Then you can make an ass outta yourself.
I'm not gonna rent a movie.
It's a waste of time.
Do you want me to come over there? Gunfight music ** * Do you know you're my hero? Wow.
Sparrows can do 40.
Hmm.
Karen, are you there? This is car 1.
No, you're not car 1.
But you might want to head back into town.
You need backup? The new girl is brewing real coffee.
You want a refill? Yes, please Aah! Aah! Oh, man, that was good! I knew I missed Ruby, god rest her, But I didn't realize how much I missed that coffee.
Well, you ready? Let's get this over with.
Okay, rent me one of your stupid movies.
Do you have a membership card? What? No? All right.
I'll just fill out one of these forms for you.
Name? You know my damn name.
Of course.
It's Oscar LeRoy.
It's LeRoy, right? Now i'm just going to need an address.
Address? I live right over there, ya idiot! I'm sorry, sir, I need a street address.
I don't know the damn street address.
Your mother knows the number.
You know where the house is! I don't think I know the number either.
Is it 608? Or 806? Maybe it's just 86.
I'll just put "big house by the west road.
" Okay.
Do you have a credit card? I'm outta here.
All right, hang on.
Here you go, It's a classic.
It's not dirty or gross, is it? It's about fishing.
Oh.
Do you really think your dad's gonna like He might, if he owned a vcr.
You're smart.
What? How am I supposed to watch Without one of those movie machines? You and mom don't have a vcr? I had no idea.
I'll rent you one, nine bucks.
Just give me the machine.
Do you have your membership card? Just give me the machine! All right, relax.
Here.
Now i'll need a $200 deposit.
You'll need $200 for dental work If you don't give me the stupid machine! You know, Is it a good idea to rent that to your old man? He's wound tight enough as it is.
It doesn't matter.
He'll never figure out how to hook that up to the tv.
Wow.
Lacey's been really busy.
I wouldn't recognize the place.
A waste of money, change for change sake.
It looks like martha stewart blew up.
I feel mildly violated.
Hi, you guys.
Hello, dear.
What do you think? Good, good.
Wonderful.
Yeah, it looks good.
High time for a change.
It looks like martha stewart was here.
I feel mildly refreshed.
Gosh! I am so glad you like it.
I was really worried about what people would think, After I was attacked by the media.
Media? The paper, the Dog River howler.
That's not media.
That's gus tompkins.
He's as sharp as a sock full of soup.
I don't think he's ever got a story right.
Aw, folks will get used to the changes around here.
Yeah.
Besides, where else are they gonna go? They're gonna drive all the way into wullerton For coffee? That is so sweet.
I'm going to go get a mop.
All righty.
What the hell did she do to this place? Just settle down, Hank.
It's just a little different.
Different? We're in the seventh circle of hell, here.
Look at this.
Where's the old clear salt and pepper shakers? You can't see inside, how do you know which is which? One is black and one is white.
Take a leap of faith.
Well, what if it's a trick? Shake some on your hand.
That's unsanitary.
You eat gum off your shoe.
What's that got to do with anything? There's freaky abstract art on the walls.
She put-- She put these weird cloths on the table.
You mean tablecloths? It's too much.
She's turned the coffee shop into a gay bar.
Who is? You guys can pretend everything's okay, But i'm gonna fight this.
It's her place.
She can do what she wants with it.
I got two words boy cot.
I'll put this place out of business.
If you could put companies out of business by just not being a customer, Why am I still able to buy mouthwash? Yeah.
And deodorant.
Clean underwear.
Books.
Pants that fit.
Nail clippers.
Dandruff shampoo.
Um, dental floss.
Toilet paper.
Pickup trucks.
You don't know what we're doin', do ya, dad? Shut up.
So, here we are, Finest drinking establishment in all of Dog River.
It's nice, kinda homey.
If you grew up in a home full of pickled eggs and pinball.
What can I get you? Rye and water.
What a shock.
I meant her.
I feel like something celebratory, Something to signify a fresh start and a new future.
Beer? All right.
But can you make it imported? So, how do you think things went today? Pretty well.
Ah, a few people complained about the pink walls, Which was odd, because they're not pink, They're dusty rose.
Some say toe-May-Toe, some say toe-Mah-Toe.
Right.
But, just for the record, around here it's always toe-May-Toe.
One thing's for sure, Hank hated it.
Why do you say that? Bllppp! I can read people.
Oh, hey, dad.
Return that video by tomorrow or i'll charge you a late fee.
Good luck collecting that.
Dad rented Oh, that's one of my favourite movies.
Did you like it? Yeah, sure.
It was pretty good.
You got the vcr hooked up? Of course, a piece of cake.
Really? What was your favourite part of the movie? The shark parts.
Which-- Which shark parts? They were all pretty good.
The shark in the water there being all mean and whatnot.
Did you like the part Where the shark fought the dinosaur? Yeah.
Yeah, it was okay, I guess.
How about where the shark grows legs and climbs up On the beach and has a sword fight with the sheriff? Ah, that part was a little far fetched for my taste.
My favourite part was when the shark went back to his home planet.
It made me cry.
Yeah, it choked me up too.
I gotta go.
He must have the director's cut.
I wish Hank would stop this stupid boycott.
I've known him since we were six.
I'll talk to him.
I can probably reason with him.
That'd be great.
There, just like when we were six.
What the hell are you doing? You don't need tools to hook up a video machine.
How would you know? We use them at the church sometimes.
What are you doing? You'll do it wrong and it will blow up in my face.
The video machine has three plugs, Red, yellow and white.
The tv has three holes, Red, yellow and white.
Honestly! Oh, it's one of the japanese models.
Sure, yeah.
They just do the-- The plug thing, the japanese ones.
I swear you're getting dumber.
I am not.
Come on.
Pickup trucks? I didn't know what you were doing.
You're not going to intimidate me with your Strong-Arm goon tactics.
I'm standing by my principles.
Your principles.
Are you lech walesa? It's a coat of paint and tablecloths.
Get over it.
The walls are pink, Brent, pink.
You're drinking your coffee in a barbie dream house.
It's not pink.
It's dusted tomato.
Don't you think you're overreacting? I mean, come on, a boycott? Look it, i'm not clubbin' baby seals in here And i'm not using honduran children to make sneakers.
You could be clubbing baby seals with hondurian children, I don't care about that.
But this? Come on! First of all, it's not Second, this has gone on long enough.
The walls are a different colour And you can't see inside the salt shakers.
But the coffee's still great.
And there won't be any more changes.
Lacey, tell him.
Lacey, tell him there's not going to be any more changes.
You're not done with the changes? I'm getting the feeling there are yet to be further changes.
Emma! You set this up wrong.
There's supposed to be a sword fight.
Who's dumber now? Huh, Emma? There it is, my last change.
What do you think? Hank, if you still boycott the place after this, I'm gonna break more than your sign.
You did a real good thing here, Lacey.
Let's go inside.
I want to buy a round of coffee.
When I say "round of coffee," I just mean Brent and me.
Everyone else is on their own.
I don't care what it says on the dashboard, I'm always car 1.
Fine.
So you were able to survive the big boycott, were ya? Does Hank always get so worked up over nothing? No, just most of the time.
Ah.
So what can I get ya? Oh, i'm starvin'.
Can I get the chilI cheese dog, please? Oh, i'm sorry, I took the hotdogs of the menu.
Www.
Verticalsync.
Com * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * it's a great big place * * full of nothin' but space * * and it's my happy place * * I don't know yes you do * * you just won't admit it * * I don't know the same things you don't know * We're on the interweb at cornergas.
Com * I don't know * * I just don't know **