Corner Gas (2004) s02e04 Episode Script

Where did you find these signs that say, "Happy Birthday, Lacey"? I didn't find them, Brainiac.
I made them.
Really? Yeah.
You know, that's some quality workmanship.
You could go into business making signs like this.
Except there's not a lot of people named Lacey.
Kind of niche market.
I don't know whether to smack him or pat him on the head.
Okay, that's it.
I'm officially out of oxygen.
Well, I guess so.
That must be the second balloon you've blown up today.
Hey, do you think Lacey suspects anything? No.
Are you kiddin'? She's gonna love this.
Oh! Here she comes now.
Surprise! Oh, ho, you guys! Happy Birthday, Lacey.
Aaaahh!! Oh, get away! Get away! Aaah! You see, she loves it.
* You can tell me that your dog ran away * * Then tell me that it took three days * * I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say * * You think there's not a lot goin' on * * Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong * * And that's why you can stay so long * * Where there's not a lot goin' on ** I'm sorry, you guys.
This is kind of embarrassing.
You throw me a nice party and I throw a fit.
Maybe a surprise party wasn't the best idea.
Especially if you're feeling old.
I'm not feeling old.
Oh, well, good.
Because you don't look that old.
It's all relative, Lacey.
What is old, anyways? The mountains are young compared to the stars.
The fruit fly is I'm afraid of balloons! Afraid of balloons? Uh-huh.
Whoever heard of that? Wanda? It's called globaphobia, the persistent, irrational fear of balloons.
It's more common than you think.
It'd have to be.
What happened, Oscar? He started it.
I'm telling ya, Stan, I set the course record.
And I'm telling ya I need verification.
Are you calling me a liar? You don't have any witnesses.
Well, you're about to witness yourself losing a customer.
I let you play for free.
Not anymore you don't! Jackass! He banned me.
You sound like a crazy man.
I'm gonna build my own mini golf.
Oscar, you can't go around making something every time someone makes you angry.
You've got to stop with this revenge.
This is not about revenge.
This is about gettin' even.
Why is the fear of balloons called globaphobia? It should be called balloonaphobia.
What's it called when you're afraid of globes? That's called cheeseaphobia.
It's all very random.
If you're afraid of globes, it should be called globaphobia.
It makes no sense.
Phobias are irrational.
They don't have to make sense.
Don't you guys have any? What, fears? Not really.
I mean just the standard stuff, you know, pirates, vampires, sasquatch, intimacy, commitment.
What about you? None come to mind.
Being intimate with a sasquatch.
I'm like Wanda.
I don't have any fears.
What about bees? I don't have any bees, either.
Oh, fear of bees.
Right, yeah.
It's weird you'd forget your fear of bees, what, with you being deadly allergic to bees.
Right, yeah.
I'm just You're still allergic to bees, right? Yeah, of course.
That's why I don't have any.
What's that about? Oh.
We were ten years old.
Brent and I were playing miniature golf.
I made a noise and Brent missed his putt and, well, he got really mad.
So I told him I had seen a bee and that I'm allergic to bees.
But I'm not.
I have carried that secret with me for, lo, these many years.
Swear you won't tell him.
Tell him what? Thanks, Wanda.
Thanks for what? Oh, okay.
I get it.
This conversation never happened.
I wish that were true.
You need something to take your mind off your anger, something to relax you, the way that cooking relaxes me.
Oh, great.
I should take up cooking.
Maybe I'll start a string of restaurants, wear an apron and a floppy white hat.
I didn't say you should cook.
You don't think I can cook? You can't cook.
You don't have I'll show you who can cook.
the patience.
Honestly, Hank, I really don't know what you're talking about.
And I appreciate your pretending not to know what I'm talking about.
I'm going to pretend that you're not here.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay.
Hey.
You guys hear about Lacey's globaphobia? Lacey's afraid of balloons? That doesn't make any sense.
Well, phobias are irrational.
But it should be balloonaphobia.
Exactly.
What if you're afraid of globes? Your phobia's nameless because the balloon people scooped it up already? Fear is natural.
It's what makes us human.
It's what separates us from the animals.
That and opposable thumbs.
And pants.
Rollerblading.
Any kind of bipedal locomotion.
We can make fire.
Animals can't make fire.
Well, if you don't count dragons.
Actually, there's a lot that separate us from animals.
You had me at pants.
Sorry I wrecked your birthday party with balloons.
I just-I never thought they'd be scary.
You know, I can understand streamers.
And those party hats are pretty pointy.
Oh, it's just bizarre.
I'm terrified of balloons.
I don't know how it happened.
Happy Birthday, Lacey.
Look, a zombie brought you balloons.
That never happened.
I'm saying that's how it might have happened.
Anyway, the point is, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Do you really believe that? No, but that's a good thing to say in situations like this.
Karen.
What's up? You wanted to file a complaint about the Mini Putt? That was three hours ago.
You're just gettin' here now? Davis figured it was a stupid waste of time and you'd complain about how your taxes pay for our salaries.
When he discovered you were involved, he sent me instead.
Apology accepted.
So, what happened at the Mini Putt? Forget that.
I got cookin' to do.
Cooking? Do you think what Davis says is true? I doubt that No, I mean wait.
Davis thinks He thinks I was referring to what he said about our fears making us human.
Because I have no fears, none.
I'm not scared of anything.
So what does that make me? That makes you kinda scary.
Bzzz, bzzz.
Did you tell him about that bee thing? Bee sting? What are you talking about? Hey, Hank? Huh? Do you think it's strange that I have no fears? No.
It probably just means you're not fully human.
Oh.
We could ask everyone in town to try and scare ya.
Ah, no thanks.
That doesn't make Haassizaaah!Oh! See, you're scared of stuff.
Being scared is just a Lacey, you got a second? Sure.
Oh, geez, this is awkward.
What is? I was thinking that maybe, uh, you and I could You and I could? Oh, geez, this is hard for me to say.
Oh.
It's just there's a place I'd like to take you.
Oh.
Oh, Davis.
Well, uh, I'm flattered.
But Davis? Come in, Davis.
Go ahead, Karen? We got a 10-19 in progress.
Trouble at the Mini Putt? I'm on my way.
Anything? It kinda tickles a little bit.
Not afraid of spiders.
Okay.
Well, don't worry.
We'll find somethin'.
I can hardly wait to see Emma's face when she tastes my cooking.
Um, listen, Oscar, I would prefer if we didn't tell anyone I was cooking for you.
Done.
Don't you want to know why? Does it seem like I want to know why? I read that career women shouldn't exhibit traditional woman skills like cooking, because it can undermine our status and we can lose respect from male colleagues.
Whatever you say, Toots.
You sure this is a good idea? It was your idea.
Oh, yeah.
We have to see if you're afraid of heights.
Let's take the elevator right the very top of this thing.
Are you new to Saskatchewan? There's no elevator, just stairs.
Not afraid of heights.
Movin' on.
Well, dig in.
Hey, it's actually good.
Try it, Wanda.
What, are you scared? Oh, I wish I were, Oscar, I really do.
Hey, you're right.
That is good.
And I did it all by myself, too.
No help from Emma.
Well, hey, Mom.
Davis.
What's up? After Oscar's rampage, I went down to Stan's to apologize She punched him out.
He was being a jackass.
Emma, Emma, Emma.
Anger doesn't solve anything.
Pot, this Kettle.
Kettle, this is Pot.
I talked Stan out of pressing charges.
But Emma's not allowed back there anymore.
Is life without mini golf worth living? Can you even call it living? Oscar, I'm impressed.
This is really tasty.
Davis, if you're hungry, help yourself.
All right! Look, there's somethin' I have to say.
I'm not allergic to bees.
I'm not even afraid of bees.
I'm sorry I lied.
Please leave me alone now.
I just need some more practice.
Can I help with the cleanup? No.
You're a guest, Davis.
Brent, help me clean up.
How long do I have not live here before I'm a guest? How ya doin'? Scared? No.
Not claustrophobic either? Hm, too bad.
Ah, what are ya gonna do? Oh, my God! Oh.
Hey, Wanda? What? Would you open this can of peanuts for me? So a springy fake snake jumps out of me? Nice gag, Alfalfa.
What's next, the fake gum that makes my teeth black? No.
I'm saving that for Hank.
I'd like a peanut.
Aah, geez! Dad, you were with me when I put the snake into the Never mind.
Is there something you need? It's your mother.
She wants me out of the house while she cooks up a roast.
I think she's jealous of my cooking skills.
It's like somehow, in a way, me being a cook has taken away something that was her own.
That's nice you're concerned about her feelings.
Concerned? Heh! It cracks me up.
Oh.
Hi, Davis.
Sorry, I can't chat.
We're just swamped in here today.
I can't help but feel that you're avoiding me.
Oh, no.
That's silly.
I gotta go.
Look, I really want to take you somewhere.
It's in the city, but it kinda has to be tonight.
Okay.
But just this once.
All right.
I'll pick ya up at 7:30.
And, uh, don't tell anyone.
You can count on it.
Hey, Emma.
Keepin' outta trouble? Mind your own business.
Lacey, you want to come for dinner tonight? Oh.
Is Oscar cooking? No, I'm cooking.
I can't.
I have a date.
No, not a date, a thing with, um, someone.
You're a terrible liar.
I'm a good liar.
Hey, Hank.
Brent.
Look, uh, there's somethin' I have to tell you.
God, I don't even know where to begin.
Um You're not really afraid of bees? Okay.
I'll start there.
Brent, I'm not really scared of Hey.
How did you know? Who squealed? Wanda? When did you figure it out? Probably 26 years ago, about two minutes after you told me you were allergic to bees.
Look at me.
I'm Winnie the Pooh.
I realized at that moment you were either not allergic to bees or an idiot.
I later replaced "or" with "and.
" That's pretty lousy, Brent.
I don't know if you'll ever be able to make this up to me.
Free gum? Done.
Oscar, do you think I'm a good liar? Ha ha! You're a terrible liar.
The whole town knows it.
Really? Before the balloon thing, that was the book on ya, "Lacey can't lie.
" And you think everyone has a crush on ya.
No, I don't.
Liar.
Hmm.
Wanda, you say you're not scared of anything? Well, I got somethin' in this box that's gonna terrify ya.
DNA proof we're related? Just close your eyes.
Okay, open 'em.
Hank, no one is afraid of globes.
Still, though, I-I don't I don't like the way it sits there just spinnin'.
Like could you could you just take it take it away now! Oh, okay, fine.
I don't know.
Well, hey, when did you guys get that? What? Hoowdaah!Stop doing that! Admit it.
You hate it that I'm good at cooking.
It bugs you.
It does not! Damn pots! I'm gonna make my own pots! You're acting like me.
You take that back or I'll ram this spatula down Oh, sure.
Violence, that's your answer for everything.
I thought cooking was supposed to relax you.
Oh, Karen.
Oh, hi, Karen.
Oh.
I thought Oscar was doing the cooking tonight.
What if he was? Nothing.
Nothing if he was.
What's going on, Karen? She's not doing the cooking for me, if that's what you're thinking? Good cover, Lacey.
You two, sneaking around behind my back.
Is my cooking not good enough for ya? You want something a little more spicy.
Is that it? I let you do the cleaning.
Everyone on earth could be descendents of the last surviving battlestar.
I didn't see where that was going.
Now that you've explained it, I see it goes nowhere.
Did you tell anyone that you were coming with me? Well, I kinda told Emma, but she didn't believe me.
That's 'cause you're a lousy liar.
I am not! Why are you afraid of people knowing I'm with you.
I just don't need people laughing at me, that's all.
Why would people be laughing at you.
Oh, they'd laugh if they knew.
Well, that's a fine thing to say.
Here we are, my globaphobic support group.
Oh! Yeah.
I got it pretty much under control, but every once in a while I need a little help.
Why? What did you think? Oh, nothing.
I-I wasn't thinking anything.
Aw, Lacey.
Did you think I had a crush on you? No.
You're lyin'.
And you'll all be happy to know that I decided to let Oscar cook tonight.
Great.
Oh, uh, Emma, no.
I - I mean, um No.
That's okay, Wanda.
Dig in, everyone.
You too, Oscar.
Eat.
Hm, it's, uh it's, uh what's the word I'm looking for? Repellent? Yeah.
It tastes like bug repellent.
No one leaves this table till they're done.
And how are you doin'? You know this could undermine my credibility as a police officer.
Keep scrubbin', Toots.
Hey, did this support group of Davis's teach you anything? Watch this.
They taught you a magic trick? No, Brent, they taught me how to not be afraid of balloons.
Oh.
Well, that's great.
The helium ones still bother me, though.
So floaty.
Well, you know, phobias are mysterious things.
Who knows how this weird balloon phobia of yours developed in the first place.
Experts have varying opinions on fear.
It's good I don't have a fear of people poppin' up outta nowhere.
The cash register cable was loose.
Anyway, no one really knows how phobias develop.
All I know is I don't have any.
You're lucky.
Fears are so silly.
Yeah, especially yours.
Hey, come on.
What about agoraphobia? Ah, yeah, fear of open spaces.
That is ridiculous.
Why would somebody be afraid of open space? Open space, open space Closed Captioning by * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it * I don't know the same things you don't know * Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know *