Corner Gas (2004) s02e12 Episode Script

* You can tell me that your dog ran away * * Then tell me that it took three days * * I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say * * You think there's not a lot goin' on * * Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong * * And that's why you can stay so long * * Where there's not a lot goin' on ** Boy, that was a good Air Show.
Yeah, except for the scary part.
I thought that plane was on fire for sure.
Usually when planes catch fire, the smoke isn't bright pink.
Yeah, not usually.
But it's all the more dangerous if it is.
Stupid thing keeps cuttin' out.
Hey, you know what I'm gettin'? A new stereo system, somethin' loud, somethin' state of the art.
Somethin' cheap.
Hey, I got money.
I take care of this truck.
Is that why there's smoke billowing out from under the hood? Yeah.
Well, I'll start worryin' if it turns pink.
You have got to stop this rash of vandalism.
What rash? It's one thing.
Someone knocked over the mailbox.
That was three years ago.
Let's not bury our heads in the sand.
Two acts of vandalism is a rash.
Two geese are not a gaggle.
No amount of crime is acceptable, Karen.
Even one goose is too many.
The problem is, you're in that patrol car.
You're out of touch.
You need to stop, talk to people.
All we do is talk to people.
Fitzy's right.
We need to put our ear to the ground and stop the goose rash.
As long as it's not something stupid like a bike patrol, I am all for it.
Bikes.
That's a great idea.
I like it.
Good thinking, Davis.
Listen, if we get the bikes Hey.
How was the Air Show? Oh, it was a treat.
The Red Baron was there.
Oh.
I told you that was not the Red Baron.
He was "a" Red Baron.
The plane's red, the guy's a baron.
That's the rule.
You should have been there.
At least I should have gone with somebody else.
I had a business to run.
It sure was quiet, though.
Wait a minute.
You stayed open during the Air Show? The one day of the year when we people on the ground pay respect to the people of the sky.
People of the sky? What are ya, an Aztec? Go ahead, make fun.
They shoot coloured smoke out of their plane while you prop up your low self-esteem serving lousy coffee.
Do you think my coffee's lousy? No, it's actually pretty good.
If you had more self-esteem, you'd know that.
What's his problem? Well, Lacey, some people around here think staying open during the Air Show is a bit out of line.
Pthbbbt! Okay.
Way out of line.
He looks shifty.
Well, being a safety inspector requires a certain amount of shift.
Us gas station owners are tricky.
Tricky versus shifty, the eternal struggle.
Well, I decided to take your advice.
No, you didn't, because here you are.
No, I mean what Brent said, about the money.
I've come up with a business idea.
I hope this is better than your last business idea.
That was a good plan.
People like petting zoos, people like kissing booths.
Yeah, but a kissing zoo, that's a bad idea.
What's this idea, a petting booth? Heavy petting booth, there's your money maker.
No.
This new idea is sure fire.
I'm, uh, keepin' it under wraps.
I don't want anyone to steal it.
It's a corn stand.
It's all comin' together.
I got corn, I got a stand.
You've really thought this through.
I've thought of everything.
Do you have a sign? No.
Bags for customers to put their corn in? No.
How about a float? It's a corn stand, Brent.
There's not gonna be a parade.
Hank, running a business requires planning.
You have to think of all the contingencies.
You have to put the customers' needs first.
Your holding tank is leaking.
It's a level five health hazard.
Yeah? So? I hope people aren't freaked out by my shorts.
They're pretty revealing, don't you think? They look like normal bike shorts.
Yeah, but in a revealing way.
I hope people don't think I'm wearing these to show off my body.
No one cares.
I'm only wearing them to prevent chaffing.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, hey-hey-hey! Slow down! What's the point of community policing if we just cruise by people on our bikes? We gotta get down in the trenches, where real people rub up against real life.
That's what being a cop is all about.
Hey.
Did you hear? They're gonna shut down Corner Gas, a level five health hazard.
Wow.
I would have put it at level four, tops.
They gotta dig it up and find the leak.
In the meantime, no paycheque for Mommy.
Oh, no.
I hope that doesn't inconvenience my customers.
I really like to keep them happy.
Pthbbbt! He seems giddy.
I may have miscalculated with this whole Air Show thing.
But I'm not going to overreact.
That's probably best.
I always try too hard and it only makes things worse.
But not this time.
What's this? Oh, it's an airplane.
Just a token to show that I also appreciate things aeronautical.
But that's an American jet.
Canada flies the oh, what do you call it? CF18.
I thought it was called the Hornet.
The CF18 is the Hornet.
Actually, Canada uses both the CF188A and the CF188B, both of which are known informally as the CF18 Hornet.
Pthbbbt! So you don't like my airplane? I know you hate the Air Show, Lacey.
But that poster just made it worse.
Hey, what's up? I had to close for a couple of days, some level three health hazard.
Level five.
What's a couple a levels between friends? What's with the getup? It's not too revealing, is it? No.
Hike 'em up a bit.
We're on community bike patrol.
So, ah, what do you guys do, take turns? I lost the key to my bike lock.
So she says.
If you hate my bike idea, just say so.
First, it was my idea.
Second, I don't hate it.
I just don't think it's effective in a rural area.
Hey, that guy's goin' pretty fast.
I'll be right back.
Sir! Police! Please pull over! Sir! Geez, if somebody came chasin' after me wearin' those shorts, I'd run too.
I might not.
Hey, buddy.
I dropped by to see how your corn scheme was doin'.
But aren't you supposed to be at work? I had to close down for a while.
Why? Is there another air show on? No, the leaking tanks, the whole level five health thing.
Geez, Brent, that's pretty irresponsible of ya.
Just a sec.
Can I help ya? Wow, you're busy.
Yeah.
I got some free time.
Hey, Hank, I got an idea.
There you go, Miss.
Bye-bye.
Actually, I was kinda thinkin' Sorry, Brent.
I had to go with the most qualified applicant.
Hey, Pal, we're busy here.
Buy some corn or move on.
Hey, could you spot me 20 bucks? I got to the bank and they were closed.
Don't worry.
Unlike you, they'll be open again tomorrow.
So how does this sound? I donated money to the school so the kids can buy tickets to next year's show.
Good for you, Lacey.
That's great.
What's she talkin' about?No idea.
The Air Show, next year, school kids.
You bought them tickets? It's just a gesture I, someone on the ground, can make to the people of the sky.
Now there's fewer seats for the rest of us.
Why are you so bent on ruining the Air Show? It's a year away and you're already dreaming up new schemes to scuttle it.
Wow, I can't remember the last time Mom used the word scuttle.
You really got her worked up.
Yeah? Well, at least I'm not running a level six health hazard.
It's a level five, it's like barely a five, a high four, maybe.
Hey.
Some kids just broke a window up by Lumsdens'.
This rash is turning into a spree.
It's not a spree.
It's not even a rash.
We need to ride around on our bikes.
Yeah, about that.
I twisted my ankle.
I don't think I can bike today.
Now you're faking injuries.
You'll do anything to sabotage my bike idea.
My bike idea.
What are you wearing? Too revealing? Well, hear me out.
How do we even know level five is bad? What if it's a 20 level system? Then five is pretty excellent.
This isn't working.
Well, give it a chance.
Five out of 20? I'm a hero, really.
No! The Air Show thing.
I tried reacting instead of overreacting, but it just made things worse.
Ah, let it go.
The town's moved on.
I heard you stayed open on Dominion Day.
Pthbbbt! Yeah.
Maybe I should overreact.
Just let it go.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Hey, you didn't settle up.
You're sweating the small stuff.
Hah! I knew it.
It's not what it looks like.
Oh, don't worry.
I won't tell anyone.
Thanks.
It's all so embarrassing.
Relax.
I used to drink on the job too.
I'm not drunk.
I don't know how to ride a bike.
Right.
Pull this leg.
It plays a rumba.
Hey, you guys.
Hi, Brent.
Listen, Hank, this is kind of embarrassing, but could I borrow 20 bucks? Is this like your official greeting now? Hah-hah-hah.
Scorch! Pow! Hah-hah! Come on, that's my joke.
Sorry.
The Pow now serves a different master.
Here you go, little buddy.
Do you think I should get some kinda uniform, like, ah, maybe a bowling shirt? Ah.
Yech, too tacky.
That's it.
You're doing it.
You sure you're not drunk? You know, you really don't have to do this, really, seriously.
Are you kidding? This is making me so proud.
You're like the son I never had.
Didn't you teach Brent how to ride a bike? Brent was never into bikes, for some reason.
I'll get the next round.
What do you mean? I'll get the next round.
That was funny, because it sounded like you said you'd get the next round.
I did say that.
Oh, okay guys, I'll play along.
I'll be right back with the round that Hank is paying for.
So, what am I gonna do with all this extra corn money? Maybe you could give it to Paul to get his eye fixed.
I was thinkin' of a new stereo for my truck.
What you should do is reinvest the money into your company.
You can make enough to buy four stereos.
But I only want one stereo.
What are you suggesting? Turkey jerky.
You want me to sell turkey? Not turkey, jerky.
They were turkeys, but they've been turned into jerky.
I don't know how to jerky a turkey.
You don't have to.
I know a guy.
He raises turkeys, turns them into jerky.
He's got a big machine, Jerkatron 3000.
It takes care of the whole jerkian process.
I don't know.
Turkey jerky attracts a very different crowd, muddies the brand.
Muddies the brand? Where did you get that? It's the right move.
Go big or go home.
So you think Hank shouldn't just react, he should overreact? I guess that's what I think, what I over think.
So you'll do it, a flyby over Dog River? No, problem, Ma'am.
We're the Snowbirds.
Flyin's what we do.
We're doing a flyby over Dog River tomorrow, to help some little boy in the hospital get better.
Dog River? Is there even a hospital there? There must be.
Who would lie about a thing like that? What was that about? Let's just say I'm planning a little surprise.
I don't know if I like the idea of turkey jerky being sold in the same place as corn.
It muddies the brand.
Exactly.
Look, Berkley, you know I'm good for the money.
Whoa.
His name's Berkley and he sells turkey jerky? Berkeley's Turkey Jerky? I'm sorry, I forgot to warn him.
I'll give you 60 boxes, 2,000 bucks.
Look, Berkley, you seem like a good guy.
How about 500, cash? You couldn't even raise the turkeys for that much, let alone jerky 'em.
Oh, all right.
Let me sweeten the deal, say 510, cash? You could save some time if you just offer him the whole 512.
Well, way to show our cards.
Fine.
500 down.
But Brent, you're on the hook for the rest.
I understand.
The Jerky Man must be paid.
Okay, Berkley, it looks like we got a deal.
Call me Kirk.
No way! Kirk Berkely's Turkey Jerky? Ho-ho, man, this is already worth the 500.
Again, I apologize.
Ho-ho, man.
It's a beautiful day today, huh? Yeah.
I kinda feel something in the air, or that something's gonna be in the air, say at noon.
What's shelt's going talking about?over my head.
Exactly.
Something will be going over your head at noon.
So stick around.
The service is getting worse here.
I told ya we shoulda had corn for lunch.
Davis! Davis! Hey, what do ya say we hit the streets? Yeah, right.
No, I've come around on this bike thing.
Is this some kinda trick? No.
Come on, partner, let's ride.
All right.
Let me get my helmet.
Ready to roll.
My bike! Build me up just to knock me down.
I don't know how you can be so cruel.
What's on your head? Okay, everyone, step outside and watch the skies.
Somethin' big is about to happen.
You know, they call it the wild blue yonder, but the longer you look at it, it's not so wild.
It's kinda dull.
The dull blue yonder.
It'll be worth it.
I'm sick of lookin' at the yonder.
Just wait, just wait.
We shouldn't be standing so close to the tank, it is aNo, pipe down.
level five Any minute now.
Quick, everyone, Hank's corn stand is on fire! A fire? Finally, somethin' worth checkin' out.
No, wait! Wait! Oh! Guys! Wanda, wait! Wanda! Aw, darn it! This fire's a dud.
The corn's not even popping.
Fresh corn Wait a minute.
doesn't pop.
You see, the internal hydration prevents There it goes.
I'll just shut up, then.
Stand back! Nothin' to see here! Oh, hey, popcorn.
I'm glad you two could finally make it.
Davis, your bike idea sucks.
It was Karen's idea.
I want you two back in the patrol car tomorrow.
I get to keep the outfit, though, right? Hey, look, my bike.
Sorry! My corn stand! Yeeouch.
Who's gonna pay the Jerky Man? You don't suppose this will muddy our brand? Are you mockin' me? Are you mocking me? What the Hank! Hank! Hey, Brent.
Who would have thought fire insurance coulda come in so handy, huh? Yeah, great.
Now your stereo's worth more than your truck.
Scorch! Ah, the Pow and the Scorch are back where they belong.
They go where the work is.
Ma'am, we'd like to meet that little boy now.
Oh.
He didn't make it.
I knew we should have done a barrel roll.
Let it go, Iceman.
You lied to the Snowbirds? Geez.
That just made it worse.
That was spectacular! My bike! * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it * I don't know the same things you don't know * Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know *