Corner Gas (2004) s03e01 Episode Script

Is that one of those little electric cars? Yeah.
The guy stopped for free air for his tires.
Real nice.
Tiny little thing.
I got cousins bigger than that thing.
That car could wear my cousinspants.
Electric cars, wave of the future.
Yeah? Well, if nobody buys gas in the future, then I won't have any cash.
Then who you gonna borrow money from? George Jetson? Electric cars are a fad.
I've seen them all come and go, cars that float, cars that run on manure, heli-cars.
Heli-cars? What are you, a Bond villain? The wave of the future.
You can bank on it.
That's why you're always broke.
You make stupid decisions.
Stupid as a fox.
Approximately.
You can tell me that your dog ran away Then tell me that it took three days I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say You think there's not a lot goin' on Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong And that's why you can stay so long Where there's not a lot goin' on All right, here.
Let's look up the stock for EAN.
Who's Ian? Electric Auto National.
They make the best electric motors on the market.
You read a two-year-old Business Weekat the dentist and now you're a market expert.
It was Modern Hotrodand it was very informative.
I'm tellin' ya, it's a fad.
Here, EAN.
The stock's at 7 bucks, right? Well, we'll just watch and see if it goes up or down.
It doesn't go up and down in front of ya in the paper, ya moron.
I'm gonna go track this on the Internet.
Internet.
There's another fad that'll be over in a week.
Hey, guys.
Have everythingng you need? Yeah.
And more.
More? What do you mean? There's dried ketchup on the edge of my plate.
Oh.
And-and it's not your ketchup? I rarely put ketchup on salmon.
Davis, I don't know how that happened.
It's put me off my lunch.
Ah, don't be such a baby.
Besides, it's not as gross as this dried egg yolk on my knife.
And I'm guessing that you didn't have eggs with your lasagne? No.
Oh, gosh.
Sorry.
Lunch is on me.
I gotta get some air.
I'll be right out, Queasy-modo.
Why you wearin' a dress? Did somebody die? Oh, no.
Did somebody die? Do you remember my Grandma Lanigan? Oh, no.
Did she pass away? No.
But she bought this for me.
And it's not a dress, Mr.
Gucci.
It's a skirt.
Ah, well.
Don't you think a skirt is a little la-de-da for a gas station? I'm not the one in the powder-blue blouse.
It's not a blouse.
And it's not powder-blue, it's sky-blue, like the sky, where there's jet fighters and lightening.
And it's not a blouse.
You're the boss, blousy.
That's right I'm the boss.
And don't you forget it.
Oh, did you bring back the milk? No.
I forgot to buy milk.
Are you being sarcastic or did you really forget? I forgot.
Milk wasn't on the list.
There was no list.
I sent you out to buy milk.
One item is not a list.
I ran into Hank.
He got me all wound up.
Oh, Hank just called.
He told me to tell you 8.
50.
That was it.
He said, "Tell Oscar 8.
50" and then he giggled like a ninny and hung up.
It's gone up a buck and a half already? That's a crock a bull, and I'm not buyin' it.
Apparently you're not buying milk either.
At first he's bugging me about wearing a skirt to work.
But then I go to sit down and he holds his hand out like this and escorts me onto the stool.
That does sound strange.
And Brent doesn't strike me as the gentlemanly escort type.
That's it.
It was like he was some kinda weird gentleman or something.
Creepy.
It's probably 'cause of the skirt.
Explain.
It's instinct.
Males evolved protecting and caring for females.
So, the more feminine you look, the more protective and gentlemanly they're prone to be.
So you're suggesting a primordial genetic predisposition towards chivalry? I believe I am.
She might have a point.
I wear this masculine uniform every day and Davis treats me like one of the guys.
No.
Come on.
Davis, I am not pulling your finger.
Fine.
I'll pull it myself.
Brrrrph! I don't buy it.
I mean I understand genetics.
But Brent? I'm not even sure what substance he's made out of.
Well, it's just a theory.
What's with the rubber gloves? Dishwasher's broke.
Oh, well.
A little hard work never killed anybody.
Hard work kills people all the time.
You never heard of a heart attack? Aneurysm, hernia? Burst blood vessel behind the eye? Well, it's nice chatting with you.
Hello? Oh, hi, Hank.
Oh, well, I'd love to, because I have nothing better to do.
Hank wants me to tell you 9.
20.
Are you guys playing telephone bingo or something? I'm gonna get some milk.
I'm gonna give that little jackass a piece of my mind.
Hank talkin'.
Hey, my dad wants you to call him.
He doesn't know your number.
Okey-doke.
Listen up, jackass.
I'm gonna teach you a thing or two about investing.
Hello? Hm, busy.
Coming, coming.
Sorry.
Just doin' dishes the old-fashioned way with elbow grease.
You're washing dishes with grease.
It's a figure ofpeech.
I need to borrow this for an experiment.
I'll have it back in a second.
How will she get it back in one second? That might be a figure of speech too.
You still feeling queasy? I'm not queasy.
I'm fine.
Really? You look like you found a gob of raw pork in your pudding.
I know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work.
Solid as a rock here.
Is it hot in here? Whoo, I could go for a cigar right now.
You? Why are you doing this? I've never seen this side of you before.
I've never seen this side of you before either.
We're getting to know each other.
Let's celebrate with a glass of room-temperature cream.
There's some dirt at the top of my glass.
That's why I didn't fill it up all the way.
Can I get you anything else? Maybe a piece of rhubarb pie.
Sure.
You might want to hang onto that then.
You want me to use the same fork for my dessert? Can't catch your own germs.
I just saw on the Internet that some people think birds evolved from dinosaurs.
Huh? Feathered dinosaurs, do you believe that? I've based everything I know on it.
Hah.
Oh, man.
Corner Gas.
Yeah? Hang on.
It's for you.
Hank talkin'.
Hey, cool, thanks.
Are you gettin' calls here now? Should I just hang a hammock for ya? My cousin's watchin' that EAN stock for me.
He's gonna call me whenever it goes up.
So this nothing-better-to-do thing runs in your family? That EAN stock's up to 10.
50, 10.
50.
If you see Oscar, tell him 10.
50.
I don't wanna get in the middle of this.
Don't say anything else.
Just say, "Hank says 10.
50.
" Fine.
But if he brings up feathered dinosaurs, I'm all over him.
Okay, smart guy, pick your stocks.
I don't have any stocks.
I don't have any money, remember? You and I are each gonna pull $10,000 off the fictional money tree and invest it.
Ah, a challenge, huh? All right, you're on.
This sounds like it would be the perfect game to play somewhere else.
It's not a game.
Yeah.
So how do we play, huh? Do we take turns? Maybe we should get some dice.
Oh, Hank says, "10.
50.
" Oh, well.
So Did I miss anything? No, not really.
Oh.
Oh, you know what? The milk guy came.
So could you fill the dairy cooler? Oh.
Well, I, ah, suppose I could, since I, ah, do work for you at this fine establishment.
Um, you know what? I, ah, have been meanin' to check the thermometer in the cooler anyway.
So never mind, I'll do it.
Thermometer.
Check your hormone-ometer.
Hey, Lacey.
How's business.
Our dishwasher's broke and I am sick of doing dishes.
My-my hands are sore, my shirt's wet, and I'm not good at it.
Anything else? My fingers are wrinkly.
And I think I'm allergic to latex.
Can that kill you? Me? No.
You, maybe.
Need a hand? Hi, Wanda.
Have you got any of that pink stuff that makes you not wanna vomit? Ah, feelin' nauseous, huh? Yeah.
That's the worst feelin', like a cold slimy worm crawlin' up the back of your throat.
Oh, what is wrong with you people? We're just expressive.
Hey, how's the skirt experiment going? It's like Brent's hypnotized by this or something.
He's a slave to the skirt.
Wanda's losin' her marbles.
She's wearin' a dress to a gas station, she's got some kinda flowered jewellery in her hair.
Well, maybe she's just feeling summery.
Then where's the tube top? No, I'm-I'm startin' to worry about her.
I'll ease up on her until she gets her ducks on the same page.
If you're gonna stand there, you could help me with these dishes.
Oh, geez, I'd better not stand here tn.
Brent's a sucker for the skirt.
Maybe I should ask for a week off or something.
You two amaze me.
Do you really think men are that easy to manipulate? Blue cheese.
Buy me the pink stuff on your way out.
This is gonna come back and bite me, isn't it? I would imagine.
Okay, I'll take 1,000 shares of that TRG and 500 shares of that GMS, and 2,000 shares of that MLD.
You just bought $10,000 worth of stocks in 20 seconds.
Congratulations.
You're the stupidest man in the world.
Oh, yeah? Let's see you do it faster.
Fast is not the point.
You have to know what you're investing in.
Study the numbers.
Hank, your cousin just called.
He said "11 bucks.
" Give me a 1,000 of this one, a 1,000 of this one, and 2,000 of these.
Well, I don't know.
You want to take a whole week off? That's a lot of time for me to work by myself.
It's just one week.
You can handle it, a big, strong, and instinctual male like yourself.
Um, yeah, yeah, you know what? You've-you've been workin' too hard lately.
Maybe, ah, you should take a little rest.
Thank you, Mother Nature.
Okay.
All done.
Thanks so much.
Here.
I didn't help you for money.
I helped you because we're friends.
Oh.
At least I thought we were.
Oh, no, Emma, wait.
Oh, great.
I just shot myself in the foot again.
You shot your own foot? Figure of speech.
Okay, where's my hat? I have no idea where your hat is.
Maybe you should check the cabinet, or someplace else.
Ah, here it is, behind this rubber spider.
Eeek.
Now to today's big movers, ELO I got it.
BGC Uh-huh.
AWP Uh-huh.
have all bottomed out.
Ah! Up next, a close look at possible insider trading at Arc Research.
Inside, huh? I've got him on the ropes now.
Can you believe it? Lacey tried to give me 20 bucks.
It's nothin', it's not real, it's all fake.
So relax.
What are you doing? It's pretend money from the tree.
Now I'm on the inside and I'm gonna take Hank to the cleaners.
Did you take a blow to the head or something? Oh, never mind.
What's your thing? I helped Lacey wh her dishes and she tried to pay me.
Can you believe it? What people do with their own money is their own business.
Shish, I gotta go.
I try to understand.
I don't understand.
You don't wanna help you own father.
No, I'm just not sure how to go about it, like what's the process? How do I go about lending you fake money? Just pretend to give it to me.
Reach up and take $10,000 off the fictional money tree and hand it to me.
But why can't you do that yourself? Did some fictional hooligan steal your make-believe ladder? It's against the rules.
We can each take 10 grand, that's it, that's the rules.
Without rules, nothin' makes sense.
With rules this makes no sense.
What are you gonna do with this money? I got a hot stock tip.
I'm sinkin' the whole Yeah, I bet sinkin' is the right word.
Fine, I'll get you your invisible cash.
Hold my monkey.
Okay, I got a big mitt full of cash.
It feels like about 10 G's.
Large bills okay? Thank you.
Was that so hard? Aren't you gonna count it? Smart guy.
Where's my receipt? Aaah! Hah-hah, yes.
The snake in the drawer's never let me down.
My revenge is complete.
What? No, it's not that.
I forgot to mail my credit card payment.
Oh, this is gonna cost me.
You're gonna have to do a lot better than a fake snake if you wanna even the score.
Fake snake? Hi, Emma.
I just came by to say sorry for before.
And to make it up to you, I brought you a peace pie.
A piece of pie? No, a peace pie.
A- a pie to make peace.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
I- I guess I did overreact a bit.
Mmm, it sure looks good.
Uh-huh.
What? Oh, it's nothing.
Well, it-it's just kind of interesting that you'll accept this pie from me, which is $1.
50 a piece or $12 for the whole pie, but you wouldn't accept $20 for helping me with the dishes.
Oh, I see.
You're trying to make a point.
No.
This isn't a peace pie, it's a point pie, a patronizing point pie.
Please.
Pathetic.
I don't need this.
I'll take it because I'm hungry and I love pie, but that's the only reason.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Enjoy.
Ho-ho.
If it ain't Oscar No-Dough-Leroy, huh? Oh, yeah, Smart Guy? I borrowed 10,000 more.
What? That's cheating.
That's legal loop-holing.
Yeah, I put the whole Pretty soon I'll be on the corner of Easy Street and Something-Good Avenue.
Cheater Street and Something-Bad Avenue.
It's called capitalism, Jackass.
You don't like it? Go back to Cuba, Comrade.
Come in.
Hey, Emma.
I was wondering if I could borrow your Weed Weasel? My what? Weed Witch? Weed Wizard? Mulch Monkey? Garden Gremlin? Yeah.
Sure.
Oh, that's a pretty skirt.
Is that the one Brent was talking about? Geesh, he's got it bad.
Yes, this is the skirt.
Yeah, Brent thought you were crazy wearing a skirt at a gas station.
And then with that flower in your hair, he thought you'd gone off the deep end.
But I think it's cute.
He thought I looked crazy? No, no.
He thinks you are crazy.
So much for prehistoric instinct.
I have to lie down now.
I just ate a whole pie.
And Arc Research continues to plummet since insider trading was confirmed earlier today.
You got inside information, ya use it.
All of a sudden that's cheating? Some might call it legal loop-holing, huh? Hey, look.
My EAN stock's up to I believe that doubles my original investment.
This game sucks.
Oh, it's not a game.
Do you see any dice, huh? Hey.
Did you give me the week off because you think I'm crazy? No, I-I just-I thought you could use some rest, is all.
Plus you were scaring me.
That makeup was unnerving.
Well, you're just not used to seeing me all dolled up.
I've seen dolls that weren't that dolled up.
Huh? Well, I'm not crazy.
And I'm not takin' the week off.
What do you think about that? I'm workin' here on my week off.
Yeah, that proves you're not nuts.
Oh, I'm sorry about everything that happened.
Me too.
Let's just forget it.
Here's your pie plate back.
Thanks.
What? You didn't wash it.
Oh, well, I didn't want you to think I was going for some sorta cash grab.
Come on, tell him.
I'm gonna tell him.
Listen, ah, I can't pay you back.
I lost all the imaginary money.
You're fakerupt? My stock tip was a dud.
Yeah, so I win, because he's got no mo money, he can't pay you back.
But it was fictional, nonexistent, imaginary money that wasn't even real.
I don't know how else to put it.
Yeah, but it's not fair to you, Brent.
I mean that 10 G's was probably your imaginary rainy-day fund, right? Well, I don't know, Hank.
I think Dad and I are probably even.
He raised me, taught me everything I know.
That's gotta be worth It's worth more than that.
How about 20? Deal.
All right.
Here's another 10.
Heh, heh! Sucker.
This reeks.
I mean come on, what about our friendship? That's-that's gotta be worth somethin'? You can owe me.
Ouaah! We've gotta fix that squeak.
It drives me nuts.
Oh, yeah, I'll get some oil and Oh! That bugs you, does it? Ah! Don't even start! Oops, sorry.
I did it again.
Aa-aa-ah! Raw bacon, raw bacon, raw bacon, raw bacon! Closed Captioning by I don't know thsame things you don't know I don't know I just don't know It's a great big place full of nothin' but space and it's my happy place I don't know Yes you do You just won't admit it Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com I don't know I just don't know