Corner Gas (2004) s03e17 Episode Script

Telescope Trouble

Hey, Brent.
Wanna try somethin' new? Cool, little packages.
It's like astronaut food.
It's coffee flavour, for your coffee.
But coffee already tastes like coffee, like a lot.
No, it's not the flavour ofcoffee.
It's to flavour your coffee.
You put it in your coffee for a burst of authentic flavour.
Irish Cream.
What's in Irish Cream anyway? It's booze.
There's booze in here? No.
So it's fake? Yes.
But authentic.
I tried one.
I liked it.
Kinda fruity.
It's becse it's jam, Oscar.
How are things at NASA? You can tell me tt your dog ran away Then tell me that it took three days I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say You think there's not a lot goin' on Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong And that's why you can stay so long Where there's not a lot goin' on If the door's broken, you should take care of it, Brent.
I've been working on it all morning.
There.
Way to throw yourself at the problem.
Well, I shoulda probably got Wanda to make the sign, but I You're an overachiever.
Yeah.
Well, I've been at this a while.
My sign allows the customer to enter with complete safety.
It's all about the customer.
HeHey, what's that? Ooh! That doesn't count.
He's not a customer.
Yeah, more of victim, really.
You wanna sue? I'll be a witness.
My sign isn't workin'.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Just fix the door.
It's a safety issue.
Oh, here we go.
Big Daddy Government makin' it hard on the little guy.
I like that.
I'm Big Daddy Government.
Ah, it's quite a quandary.
Don't know what I'm gonna do.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Fix the door.
Quandary solved.
I can't put my business on hold to fix a door.
I've gotta keep the wheel of commerce greased.
You don't know how to fix it, do ya? I could figure it out, probably, eventually.
Quandary's back.
You should call my door guy.
You have a door guy? Terry.
Oh, he's great.
He comes, he fixes the door.
"I fix doors.
" I'm confused.
What's he do? Oh, fine.
Suit yourself.
But as a business owner, I find that if people can't get into your business, it really cuts down on business.
Yeah, it hurts that big greasy commerce wheel.
Well, I'm not hiring a guy.
I can do it myself.
Ah! Geez, my leg, it's so painful.
Brent, you gotta buy me a coffee for compensation.
You got this Jerry guy's number? You'll love it.
Pulling up your roots, travelling around.
My dad had a great time.
If it's so fun, how come he's not doin' it now? He's dead.
Did he die in the RV? 'Cause then I want a discount.
Look, take it for a week.
If you don't like it, I'll give you the money y back.
Sounds good.
Did he die in the RV or not? Don't change the subject.
Pay the man.
Careful.
Right through here.
Oh, ow! Watch the door.
Thanks.
Oh, whoa, what's this? You know my rule against bazookas in the gas station.
It's my new telescope.
Why do you need a telescope? It makes far away things seem closer.
It's like a magic eye.
Why do you need a magic eye? Prokhop meteor shower.
Every 12,000 years the earth passes through the Prokhop meteor cloud, creating hundreds of noctilucent anomalies.
Will they give off some kinda ray, create a race of supermen? Unlikely.
Interest waning.
Look, this only happens every 12,000 years and I'm not missing it.
Can this meteor thing only be viewed inside the gas station? I'm leaving it here because my kid would wreck it.
He'd tear it apart before you could say Copernicus.
Maybe not before I could, but probably before I would.
It stays here and it stays safe.
Hey, cool bazooka! You want to keep it at the cop shop? Back it out, nice and easy.
It's good to get out on the open road.
Whoa! It's a big thing, hey? Kinda clumsy.
You sure you can handle this? No more smart talk, or I'll turn this thing right now.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
Are you the door guy? That's right.
What seems to be the problem? It's the door.
I'm the guy.
Brent, be nice to Terry.
I had to pull some strings.
There's a waiting list.
He's just a door guy.
He's not Copernius.
Who? Invented meteor clouds.
I think you're overreacting about Hank.
I'm being proactive.
Over proacting, then.
I don't think so.
Do you remember my birdbath? That was a pretty ugly birdbath, though.
Or my TV? Thanks for lending me this.
The ugly birdbath was in the way.
Do you remember what he did to my car? Thanks for lending me this.
Do birds even take baths? No, not in that thing.
It's pretty ugly.
I can't believe you're lettin' this guy fix your door for ya.
It takes away your masculinity.
You've taped every episode of The Powerpuff Girls.
It's a good show.
I'm missing three episodes.
Oh, come on.
Brent asking for help does not take away from his masculinity.
Yeah.
It shows he's mature enough to subordinate himself to another more capable man.
Where does that come from? Who's subordinate? Brent!Yes, sir? Just as I thought.
It's your door closer.
Yeah, he's reallygood.
He's a genius.
He's like Bacurnius.
Who? He's big in space.
Ah, great.
Safe from curious little fingers.
Glad to help.
Don't wanna help anymore, but glad to help.
Hey, awesome! A big tube! Actually, it's a telescope.
Hey, awesome! Thanks anyways.
It doesn't seem so big now.
This will be a breeze.
Actually, this is kind of intimidating.
Let's go.
Put the pedal to the metal.
Gimme a minute.
Just hit the gas.
Easy, easy! What's your hurry? Just let me do this! Fine.
I'm gonna take a shower.
Beautiful workmanship.
The guy's an artist.
Yeah? Well, art's expensive.
I could have done this myself.
Please.
You might have broken a nail.
I would have soldiered on.
Get your car keys.
We're going to your place.
That's your best pickup line? Try to fix my own door and I get emasculated.
Ouch.
I told you it was dangerous.
Metaphorically.
Ah.
Well, this will be safe here.
Shielded by the power of my intense disinterest.
Hey, check it out, Brent.
There's a table that folds in there.
I kid you not, a folding table.
I thought you were headin' out of town.
Change of plans.
Plug us in.
Unless you need to hire a guy to do it for ya.
He told me about the door hinge.
I'll manage.
You sure? Sometimes it's worth a little money to have a man around.
It's your fault he's like this.
You two were always playing with dolls.
GI Joe's not a doll.
He was in the army.
What army lets in a guy with a beard? He was undercover.
It was the '70s.
Ow! Want some help with that door, Sweetie? Hey, I got a bone to pick with you? What bone? Why did ya tell Brent to hire a door fixer? This seems hard for people to get their head around, but because the door needs fixing.
Yeah.
But hiring a guy takes away his respect.
So? So I don't get much respect.
The respect I do get is Brent's extra respect, the crumbs off the table.
You can't take that away.
It's my respect crumbs.
But you've been making fun of him more than anybody.
That's because it's funny.
But I hate myself for it.
The male ego is a fragile thing.
Yeah.
It's like a delicate flower, a rugged, delicate flower.
So you'd rather get hit in the bum by a door? That's just physical.
It's better than gettin' hit on the bum of the mind.
You know, if you folks are lost, there's maps inside.
No.
Here's good.
What about my customers? Oh, they're not bothering us.
Family comes first.
Are you saying you want us to leave? No, no.
I could never kick out my own parents.
I want you to kick out my parents.
But they raised you and gave you life.
Use your nightsticks if you have to.
Send a message.
How do you live with yourself? Can I borrow your nightstick? No.
They did raise you.
Yeah.
And now it's payback time.
Ow!Hey, Hank.
Man! That thing's a menace.
It's like the portal of doom.
Excuse the inconvenience as we grow to serve you better.
Hey, I want to see this meteor shower thing.
Why does the concept of a shower suddenly interest you? Well, it's only every 12,000 years.
If I miss it now, I might not get another chance.
Who knows how long you'll live.
If you eat right, take your vitamins, stay outta my face.
Come on, you owe me.
I got injured while you just stood by and watched.
Every job does have its perks.
Trespassing? Says who? It was an anonymous complaint.
Don't make this get ugly.
Why are you hoing a ruler? Your door guy sucks.
What? I've had the thing less than four hours, it's already busted.
I should fix it myself.
Oh, no, no.
You'll void the warranty and Terry won't service it.
Plus, you would hurt your delicate hands.
Delicate? What are you t talkin' about? Look at that paw, look at that mitt.
That's a workin' man's hand.
Oh, that's soft.
That one is a little girly.
But this one is trouble.
Here's my point.
Call Terry, he'll fix your door.
Counterpoint.
I did.
He can only come between 4:00 and 8:00.
Counter-counterpoint.
Wait until 8:00 and your door will get fixed.
Counter-counter-counter- counterpoint.
I'm off between 4:00 and 8:00 and kickboxing's on TV.
That was one too many counters.
But whatever you say, Girly-Hands.
Hand.
Terrible thing for a son to do.
Put it all behind you.
We've got the whole world to explore.
Let's roll.
Here we are.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Let's go.
We should be watchin' this on the big screen inside.
Like we're gonna see the door guy from here.
I got a clear line of sight.
It's perfect.
Like there, his van's pulling up now.
Or maybe that's a sparrow.
If only we had some kinda bionic eye that made things bigger.
How's that? I can read the ingredients on the chips.
Oh, wait.
Now it looks blurry.
Now it looks angry.
Wow.
Does that ever look like my telescope.
Oh, except this one's got two extra knobs.
Don't worry.
We'll find a place where we're welcome.
Damn straight.
Hey, I think I can handle this now.
Good.
Start 'er up an let's go.
I wonder who ordered all the trees.
To hell with the door guy.
Now you're talkin'.
You never learn, do ya? Just fix the door.
I'm missing kickboxing.
Now, this is gonna require subtlety.
This thing's under warranty.
I'm not supposed to be touching it.
Oo-ooh.
Are you saying I'm whipped by a warranty? Just fix it.
Guys are kickin' each other right now.
Guys will be kickin' each other here if you don't stop pestering me.
You wanna step away from the hinge? Step away from the hinge! Ooo-ooh! Ow! Cheap son of a Hi, Terry.
Lacey.
Ah, a minor problem with the door.
I'm not surprised.
You're not supposed to fiddle with it.
I didn't fiddle.
I caught your friend fiddling.
And now yours is broken.
I don't know what kind of fiddle fest is going on, but I don't like it.
I take my door hinge guarantee very seriously.
I'll try make it out there when I can.
I'm in the middle of a pretty big job right now.
What kinda job? A door hinge job.
Ow! I want compensation.
Now you're really asking for it.
Give us a break.
A guy died in this thing.
Let's.
You gotta Are those s'mores? Sure.
Want one? Want me to run the extension cable? How long does this have to be here? It doesn't leave my sight until the meteor shower tonight.
Hey.
Hey, wanna come watch? It's a once in a lifetime chance.
Who lives to be 12,000? Brent, did you fiddle with your hinge? I beg your pardon, Ma'am? He tried to fix it because Hank was makin' fun of him.
Now I'm Hank whipped? Now my door's broken and you are responsible.
How am I Terry caught you.
Now I'm being lumped in with you.
I hate being lumped.
Fiddler! Hey, Lacey.
Wanna go to a meteor shower? Do I have to buy a present? Never mind.
Oh-oh Lor-oo-oord kum bi ya-aaa These s'mores are so good.
Do you have the recipe? Marshmallows and graham crackers.
Anyway, thanks for dropping by.
Oh, no problem.
That's the nice thing about RV-ing, the people you meet.
And now I will sing the same song again.
Kum bi ya, my Lor-ooord Hey, wanna fry? They're free.
So you're not charging me to eat off your plate now? No, I mean free to me.
Compensation.
Lacey's door broke and I, uh I know.
And the door guy won't comeI know.
because you Yeah? Well, did you know this? What? I don't have a third thihing.
I just thought you'd cut me off again.
I never should have hired that door guy.
You're telling me.
I've suffered mental anguish.
Whatat anguish? It was a t on the bum.
The bum of the mind.
Huh? Look, Brent.
You've gotta get back in the game.
It's a good thing Lacey's door broke.
It's a window of opportunity.
The door's a window? Yeah.
You know what they say.
God closes a door, he opens a window.
You'd think he'd have a guy to open his windows for him.
Pay attention.
You fix Lacey's door, you regain your respect.
That's what I'm sayin'.
Maybe I could help Lacey make a sign.
What's the matter with you? Are you afraid of Terry? No, I'm not scared of Terry.
He's just a door guy with big arms and a tan and a nice truck.
I feel sorry for him, is what it is.
Well, remember, he's not comin', so he can't catch us.
Let's do it.
Look, it's my fault he's not coming.
Let me fix it.
You're not fixing, you're fiddling.
Call Terry and apologize.
Just give us a chance to prove ourselves.
Give us two chances to prove ourselves.
You're leaving? Well, technically, us setting up the RV here is illegal.
We're breaking the law right on your doorstep.
It's very convenient.
We appreciate it.
But where will you go? This is nice.
You know what would make it even better? If we go inside the house? Sounds good.
Sorry about before.
I shouldn't punish you because of one bad apple like Brent.
Let's take a look at that door.
Uh, you know what? It-it-it's funny.
It actually kind of fixed itself.
Really? No, it didn't.
I fixed it.
No, Brent, don't.
Enough lies.
I can fix a door.
You wanna see a door that's fixed? Check out this fixed door.
Lacey, is this how you feel too? I'm sorry.
I guess we just don't need you anymore.
Fine.
But I can't guarantee the hinge.
You're on your own.
I was wrong.
Thanks for fixing my door.
Well, we're business people.
We make our businesses work.
Ow! I'll go apologize to Terry.
Awesome.
Once in 12,000 years and I got to see it.
Ah, this is amazing! I mean I've played a lot of Asteroids, but I've never seen anything like this.
Thanks for showing me, Wanda.
Actually, it was kinda cool having someone to watch this with.
I don't get it.
That barely even sounds mean.
And if you tell anyone, I'll gut ya like a fish.
You shoulda seen it, all these meteors.
Spacurniuswould have been impressed.
Spacurnius? Yeah.
He invented space.
Yeah, that's what he did.
See ya later.
Careful.
You know, it was really nice of Wanda to show me that shower thing, so I got her a new birdbath to say thanks.
Oh! Oh! Is the birdbath okay? My window! Hey, don't sweat it.
This kinda thing happens all the time.
Closed Captioning by I don't know the same things you don't know I don't know I just don't know It's a great big place full of nothin' but space and it's my happy place I don't know Yes you do You just won't admit it Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com I don't know I just don't know
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