Crunch Time (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Business

1 [music "Strawberryfire"] Strawberry design In her mind Strawberryshine Her mind is a plane or window pane It's all the same Took a trip on a stereo song Drifting along with the radio on Stop! We don't need to hear about some threeway.
Technically it was a fourway, there was three girls and one - [smack] - God damn it! You said you wanted to hear everything! Everything that's pertinent.
Pertinent to what?! To whatever the hell it is you did in that lab to create that black fucking hole! This is what we did in the lab! Fourways? No.
Lucid dreaming.
Do you guys realize that you spend 220,000 hours out of your life asleep? That's 9,000 days.
25 years.
Wasted.
Completely unconscious.
And then people like you You try to make sense of the cold scary world, figure it all out, try to carve out a little bit of happiness.
You never even know.
That with just a few simple tricks.
You could have everything you've ever wanted.
Everything! Right up here.
In that lab.
We were dreamers.
[music "Strawberryfire"] - [screaming] - [gasps] Hey! Whoa! Hey, Larry! Larry? My dick's gone, man.
My dick is missing.
What'd you do with my dick? Uh I don't know.
I can't seem to find it in the simulation.
Wha You lost my dick?! When did you last see it? Oh, shoot, I left it at the movie theater.
- What do you mean? - Okay, okay, I think Yeah, I see what I did there.
- I'm seeing - Hey Hey, hey, hey.
LARRY: Here's your penis.
- And - No, no.
- Hey.
- LARRY: Here it comes.
This isn't happening.
GIRL: Wanna just have sex with each other? Don't put those on.
You don't need those.
Have fun in there, Berk.
Oh, come on! Larry! Damn it! [smack] Somebody needs to get you a stress ball and half a Xani.
MULLINS: Hobbs.
Just tell us about the business.
[scoffs] What business? - You know about the business.
- Yes.
We know all about the business.
[instrumental music] [slap, bottle bounces and rolls on floor] How did the business begin? We needed money.
Almost $20,000 to be exact.
[sniffing] [clearing throat] Here's a story.
Couple of nights back, around four in the a.
m.
, I'm in bed.
That's where people are at 4 in the a.
m.
traditionally, they're in bed.
And I'm with my wife, my lovely wife.
Who, bless her heart, has a deviated septum, which causes her to sound like I dunno.
Hans Zimmer composing a snuff film.
It's an absolute tumult.
Aaaanywho.
There I was.
Finally drifting off into complete dream land.
When suddenly, I'm jolted upright by a phone call.
Building-wide power surges.
Random blackouts.
All caused by Your lab.
Do you mean the building with his father's name on it? You're on full scholarship, is that correct? Actually, it's a research grant.
And you'd like to keep that research grant.
Because what happens oftentimes with research grants They just disappear.
They just dissipate like the wisps Okay.
What do you want? I want $18,730.
Because that's what it cost me to replace the transformers that you guys fried, alright? I have had to cut the gay and lesbian alliance budget in half.
Now it's just the lesbian alliance.
What do you guys up to? What's going on in the lab at 4 a.
m.
? Just experiments.
With, uh - puppies.
Brain waves.
- Yeah, puppies.
You know, there's an old academic saying "If your fingers smell like shit, it's probably because they've been up your own asshole.
" - I'm calling your father.
- No! No, no, wait, wait.
Please.
- Then I need that $20,000.
- I thought you said 18,730.
- I'm rounding up.
- [speaker beeps] Margie, do me a favor.
Could you get me Monty Wittington - on the phone? - No, no! Do not call him.
It's, uh Sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's just There's only one thing that my dad hates more than my failures, and that is hearing about my failures secondhand, so uh Don't worry about it.
I'll get you the money.
Okay? That's be great.
You've got one week.
You get me that money.
Or punchie over here loses his research grant.
[laughts] Now, get the fuck out of here.
[scoffs] Absolute chuckle fucks.
Shit, shit, shit.
Where are we gonna come up with $20,000? - Wait, you're not calling your father? - Hell no.
No way.
What about your allowance? It was a lump sum, we blew through it with the lab.
And the thousand dollar dinners you've been taking Hannah on? I know and she mostly just ordered salads and water.
Sam.
I'm gonna be blunt with you.
You're becoming an impediment to my research.
Oh, I'm an impediment? You're an impediment.
I don't think you know what impediment means.
Does it mean asshole? Because that's what you're being.
- I funded your research.
- Your father funded it.
- Whatever; I'll come up with something.
- You better.
Because I swear to God, if I lose my grant, I'm naming you in my suicide note.
God, you are dark sometimes.
LARRY: Alright.
Let's see what's going on in that adorable little brain of yours.
Probably a bunch of kibble, but we'll give it a try.
Hey, guys! - Look at Mr.
Peanuts.
- Shut the hell up, Larry.
Sam has something he needs to tell you.
Oh.
Cool.
What's up, Sam? We've gotta sell like half the lab.
Why? Oh no.
Is it my fault? It's my fault isn't it? It's my fucking fault.
Not entirely your fault, but you are a big factor.
- Start packing everything up.
- No, no, no! Guys, we were just starting to work together as a team! Everyone had their role.
A girl came into the lab.
That was kinda nice.
Connor, you started making consistent eye contact.
I'm sorry, Larry.
The dream is dead.
You loaded the gun.
Sam pulled the trigger.
We're selling everything.
Starting with Mr.
Peanuts.
- Sam.
No.
Sam.
- No.
No.
Not Mr.
Peanuts.
Come on, Connor.
- Nope, nope.
- Mr.
Peanuts The hospital was very nice.
But there was this Latino woman who always seemed to fluff my pillows wrong.
I think she was Filipino, but I'm glad you're home.
[phone ringing] AUNT: Be a dear and get that for me.
Sure.
[phone ringing] Hello? Como estas, Hannah? - [crazy laughter] - [chainsaw revving, screaming] Por favor, no! Santa! Hannah, are you okay? Yeah, just I haven't really been sleeping lately.
Oh, is something wrong? It's just a lot of life changes.
Bad dreams.
I'm thinking about quitting the Masters program.
Oh no, honey.
Why? It's just so much debt with all these student loans, and for what? A piece of paper that says I have a Masters? But college is the best time of your life.
What I'd do to go back.
Take exciting courses.
Write fun papers.
Go through another lesbian phase.
I'd pay anything to have that experience again.
Wait.
Say that again.
I want another lesbian phase? No, no, no.
The other thing.
I'd pay anything to have that experience again.
[music] How much is this worth? Oh, we could get like 50 bucks for that.
Okay.
[glass breaking] - Put it in the dollar bin.
- Knock knock.
Hannah! Hey, it's good to see ya.
How have you been? Just great.
Definitely not dreading every time I go to bed.
Uh, good.
The hell's going on here? We're having a garage sale.
What? Why? Because your boyfriend turns every dream into a god forsaken nightmare.
He's not my boyfriend.
Well, technically, you did promise me one more date.
That's how you remember it.
We are out of money.
And after a power surge from the Brain Frame fried a transformer, we're stuck in the hole 20 grand.
- Only eighteen thousand seven - I'm rounding up.
What if I said you could keep the lab, pay your debt, and make some on the side? So.
It was your idea.
I don't want to take sole credit.
But Yeah, it was my idea.
Solely.
[chalk scratching on board] One thousand what? Dollars.
One thousand dollars.
For what? For people to use the Brain Frame recreationally.
For fun.
For people to have experiences that they can't have in the real world.
Yes? Larry.
- Are puppies involved? - I guess.
If people want dreams with puppies.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
What do you think? Like all of your ideas, I think it's fantastic.
Multa bella! [kiss smack] Connor.
- I hate it.
- What? Why? Because it goes against everything I believe in.
Everything you believe in.
Coming from the guy who used my aunt's cancer to get me to take back that troll.
She's kidding.
Listen.
The night you guys hooked me up to that machine may have been the most terrifying experience of my life, and you're not forgiven.
But It was real.
It was so real.
I can still feel it.
Just imagine if we could offer people an experience that they actually wanted We could change the world.
And make a shitload of money.
I didn't create this to make money.
I created it to push the boundaries of science.
Not so we could watch you ride the train to bone town - with Casper Van Dien.
- Casper Van Dien? Who else did you guys see inside my head? Who else would we have seen? - Well, for one, not you.
- Oooh.
Look, Hannah.
You're smart and you're savvy.
I'll give you that.
But this would never work with my strict code of ethics.
Fine.
Then, I tell Dean Samuelson.
So how's the money gonna work? Is it gonna be like a threeway split evenly? - What about me? - You're an intern, Larry.
- Can I keep Mr.
Peanuts? - Sure.
- Yes.
- Alright.
Obviously it goes without saying this is a secret.
Of course.
And the second something goes wrong.
We stop it.
Alright.
I'm in.
Yeah! [chaotic stormy music] - [church bells ringing] - [tape rips] [upbeat music] Hey, would you want to take a second, okay.
Could you just take a second of your time to [music] Hi, could you just You want a flier? OK, you get a flier.
[laughter] Hey, you look like someone who could use some cheering up.
I'm not going to your Bible study, bitch.
Excuse me! Fellas! Do you dare to dream? Ow! Ahem! Hey.
How would you like to have the time of your life all while being unconscious in my lab? You're gonna love this.
- Tell your friends! - You have to pay me.
Of course, it's a business proposition.
- Oh yeah.
Right.
Okay, fuck you.
- Oh! Come on! - Fucking creep.
- Oh! Really?! God! [car alarm] [music] Have you no respect for science?! [panicked yelling] [car alarm] Hey, hey, hey! [car alarm] Damn it! Well, that couldn't have gone any worse.
Hey, at least Larry passed out all the fliers, right? Yeah.
All of them.
Every last one of them.
So I guess we just wait? [door opening] What in the living fuck is this?! - You guys stole my idea again! - What? Oh, you're all just gonna pretend like you don't remember.
Remember what? The other night? In Hannah's head? When you acted like a doctor and tried to make a move on me? I was kidding.
- But for the record, she was all for it.
- No I wasn't.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about in the alley.
When I said Hey guys, I know this is very scary, but once it's over, I think we should make a business out of it.
[speaking Spanish] [speaking Spanish] - Okay, that definitely didn't happen.
- It doesn't matter.
The point is, you guys are doing this completely wrong.
Care to enlighten us, Berkman? I would love to.
First of all, who made this? - Well, that'd be me.
- Okay.
I just got a couple notes for you.
Why don't you go back to the 1800s, say hello to your great grandfather, and bite his dick off.
Because this makes me wish that you were never even born.
I mean, "Live your dreams for real"? This sounds like a club where you circle jerk to motivational posters.
Okay.
You try selling it.
[paper crinkling] I already have.
- In fact, I've got our first customer.
- What? - You got a customer? - Yep.
He's right outside.
And he's willing to pay $200.
Well, we were gonna charge a thousand.
But I guess we could bring it down.
For beta testing.
Good.
But - I want credit.
- [scoffs] Yeah.
Why not? Sure.
- It was your idea, Berkman.
- It was a great idea.
- Well played, Berkman.
- You're very smart.
Thanks, guys.
Alright.
I'm gonna bring him in.
And I'm gonna warn you.
He is one sick puppy.
Puppy.
So no judging.
Come on in, Elijah.
[door creaking] Hey, guys.
I'm Elijah.
You can call me Eli.
Hi, Eli.
Alright, why don't you tell them the fantasy you were telling me? I, uh I have this girlfriend.
I had this girlfriend.
- Who dumped me.
- You want to win her back? No, she's long gone.
Lives in Scottsdale.
But, Berkman said he had this idea where you guys could do something up here.
And maybe I could experience some intimacy again.
Oh, a coital fantasy.
Exactly.
A fantasy where we make love like we used to.
In front of her husband.
- What's that? - Her husband, Paul.
He's crazy successful.
Seems like a great guy and everything, but And when did the relationship end? In high school.
Yeah, she dumped me really good.
And I just want to experience the rush.
Of being with her one more time.
In front of Paul, her family, I mean her extended family: aunts, uncles, cousins.
Our entire graduating class of 2003.
And what the hell? Former Houston Rocket center Hakeem Olajuwon.
I'm a huge fan.
Okay.
Let's hook him up.
Okay, that part was definitely not my idea.
He was um a unique client.
[scoffs] What can I say? We got a freak.
As if you have never had a dirty dream about an old fling.
Give me a break.
CONNOR: Okay, remember.
We need three of us to keep him stable.
We've got ex-girlfriend, her husband, and watch out.
His recurring nightmare is - pretty weird.
- How we looking, Larry? I've got fantasy land and all her players dialed in.
Okay.
His theta levels are spiking.
He must already be in the Brain Frame.
- Larry, which hatch are we in, again? - Hatch número three, boss.
This isn't exactly what I had in mind for our business.
Oh.
Says the girl who negotiated him up to $500.
Touché.
But, look, after we're done with sick Eli, I have some ideas I want to talk to you guys about.
Yeah, I actually have a few things I wanted to talk to you about also, maybe we could get coffee or some Italian food [click] [liquid gurgling] What is this? Where am I? - Linda?! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy.
Easy, Eli.
Remember, we talked about this.
Okay, this is just the simulation that helps partition your dreams for you.
- It's ingenious, really.
- Looks like a shitty sewer in here.
- It's not a shi - We're working on upgrading it, buddy.
But don't worry about that.
All you've got to concentrate on now is sweet, sweet Linda.
- I really do miss her.
- Of course you do.
And you should.
But you can tell her that yourself.
Because, she is waiting for you right behind this door.
[dental drill whirs, pained screaming] - What was that? - Nothing.
Hey, Larry? I thought you said hatch number three.
Oh, that's my bad.
Yeah.
Sorry, sometimes the, uh, dyslexia gets the best of me.
That's uh, one hatch.
One hatch.
- Spit it out, bud.
- Ha - Hatch one! - Hatch number one.
What's behind hatch number three? - Oh, nothing.
- It's that one's broken.
So we use it for storage.
Here we go.
Linda awaits.
Okay.
Oh God [music builds] [dramatic music] [audience cheers] ELI: Oh God.
She's just like I remember her.
Of course she is, Eli.
Are you ready? - [audience cheering] - - This is wrong, right? - Of course it is.
But if this is the only way I can keep my research going, - then we're gonna do it.
- I don't like it.
- I don't think Hannah likes it.
- Nobody likes it.
Except maybe Berkman.
Imaginary ladies and gentlemen of Eli's subconscious! How you feelin' tonight? [cheering] You think Hannah's really committed to this whole break-up thing? I mean, she came back, which is a good sign.
But she, she's been acting pretty cold towards me.
Sam! Relax.
Don't let your anxiety bleed into this dream.
Okay.
Okay, cool.
Cool.
May I have your attention, please.
Are you ready for the main event? [cheering] Center stage! Lying down in her childhood bed.
Put you hands together For Linda! [cheering] And to my left: the sickest, twistedest piece of shit I know.
Eli! Yeah! We have a special guest with us tonight, ladies and gentlemen Linda's husband.
Neurosurgeon.
[laughter] Father of three.
One's adopted.
[jeering] The guy who just beat cancer.
[laughter and jeering] Audience, why don't you tell him what you think of Paul?! [overpowering boos] But tonight's not about Paul.
It's Eli's night.
Eli.
The stage is yours.
[inspirational music] Linda? You ready to do this? Oh, Eli.
You know I am! Hey, Paul! Get ready to see how a real man does it! Linda, why would you do this? We-we have a wonderful marriage! [clothes tearing] - Yes! - Woo! - No! - Yeah! - [cheering] - You like this, Paul?! No, no! No! Linda! [pleasured moans] Linda, no! - I love you so much! - I want a divorce! Oh! Shots fired by Linda! [music and cheering] [muffled music and cheering] SAM: [panicked breathing] Yeah! Ah! Who are you?! Sam Wittington.
What is it that you can't understand about the Pythagorean Theorem? Why can't you be smart? - Like your father? - Sam.
Who is that woman?! Oh, it's just my fifth grade math teacher.
Ladies and gentlemen! We're having some minor technical difficulties, please, uh, stick with us, we'll be right back shortly.
Larry.
What the hell's going on? I have no idea.
His brainwaves are still stable.
It's Sam.
He's causing this.
Damn it, Sam! Stop making everything about yourself! I don't know what's happening.
Oh! What's happening to me?! [screaming] Let's have a look at those fangs.
I mean teeth.
No! No! Larry! Cancel the simulation! Now! Get me out of here! Get me out of here! Ah! [vomiting] What the hell was that?! Just a minor hiccup.
- Then why is my dick bleeding?! - Well, that's a new side effect.
I will be able to help you with that, sir.
Get the fuck away from me! Whoa.
Eli.
Eli.
Hey, hey.
We don't take Discover.
- Yet.
- I'm not paying you.
You people are sick! Sick! [door slams shut] [door opens] And you couldn't even get Hakeem.
[door closes] [vomiting] Anyone else have a bloody penis? I guess you could say it was Sam's fault.
- It was definitely Sam's fault.
- It's always Sam's fault.
Sam.
What do you think triggered your anxieties to invade Eli's dream? - Sam! - I don't know.
Come on, man.
That's not good enough.
I can't have you back in the Brain Frame.
What? Why? Because you just cost us half a grand, and now I have to make sure that Eli doesn't quit my co-ed soccer league.
You guys said you need three people in there to guide the dreamer.
Who else are you gonna get? - Not Larry.
- Definitely not Larry.
Yeah.
I'd be a trainwreck in there.
I've got some serious demons.
See? I'm your only option.
No, no, no.
Mm-hn.
No.
No.
Not me.
I'm not doing it.
I'm the one who got us almost killed by Mexican Santa, remember? Whoa, first of all, the proper term is Latino Santa.
And second of all, you're the only one of us who's been under that thing.
Yeah, he's right, Hannah.
Your empathy could be the critical component needed for keeping the dreamers stable.
No way.
No.
Way.
- What else are we gonna do? - I don't care.
- Look, I'm not doing it.
- We'll pay you more.
- What are you talking about? - I'm negotiating.
She is a business woman.
- You don't have the power to negotiate.
- How much more? Well, after the jackoffs pay the Dean their 20k.
You get - thirty percent.
- Forty percent.
- Thirty five.
- Deal.
But I get the CFO title.
- Touché.
- Alright.
All this negotiating is fantastic, but it doesn't change the simple fact that we don't have any customers.
- [phone buzzing] - Oh.
That's our three o'clock.
He's early.
Come again? Oh, you guys didn't think I just got one customer? No.
Check the iCal I set up.
We have two more today, three tomorrow and one on Saturday.
- At 200 bucks a pop? - Yeah.
I think you're right.
We can probably bump it up a little bit.
Oh, but this guy doesn't want any weird sex stuff.
He just wants to ride a dragon that sounds like Sean Connery.
So why don't we pull up some clips from DragonHeart? Okay.
Larry, let's get to work.
[in a Sean Connery voice] Sit down.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Hello.
[door closes] Okay.
Um Look, it's not that I was hurt that Hannah took my role.
It's just that she never even acknowledged my feelings.
You know what I mean? I have feelings too.
- The thing about Hannah is - [door opening] Mullins, Hobbs.
We need you now.
It's the lab.
But you [door closes] [alarms] Where the hell is our feed? We lost it 10 minutes ago.
Who do we have in the field? Oh my God! Come on! Open the door! [screaming] [mysterious music] [silence] [instrumental music]